Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Zanpaku-to? ❯ Seeking Forgetfulness ( Chapter 18 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach. I just borrowed the characters. I do own Atonomatsuri (the bird) and Piecrust (the jerk).

 

Seeking Forgetfulness

 

Facing the Hollow again, Zaraki felt a moment of restlessness. He must be dreaming again. Damn the dreams. He was standing in a blasted wasteland at least 50 metres away from the Hollow. He remembered the last time he had fought against the Hollow and lost. The strange feeling of familiarity remained. The Hollow was not attacking; it seemed to be observing Zaraki. Still feeling edgy, Zaraki drew his zanpaku-to. The Hollow did not move, continuing to watch him. Moving closer to the Hollow did not make it attack; it only continued to look at him.

 

Zaraki was puzzled. Why wasn't it attacking? Why was it watching him so closely? Hollows didn't normally stand around. It should be attacking him, trying to kill him and absorb his reiatsu. He was now standing 20 metres from the Hollow.

 

“You, Hollow. Do you want to fight?” Zaraki challenged the Hollow. “See if you can cut me.”

 

The Hollow remained immobile. The immobility made Zaraki decide to act. He rushed at the figure and tried to cut it, to kill it, destroy the thing. It vanished. Turning around, Zaraki saw it on his left. He moved to kill it and it vanished again.

 

“Come and fight me you gutless Hollow. I'll beat you this time. You want to kill me? You'll have to try harder this time.”

 

“Harder this time,” the Hollow repeated. The voice sounded familiar. Zaraki whirled around to his left, to find the Hollow standing 20 metres away.

 

Running at the Hollow with his zanpaku-to poised to slice through the mask, Zaraki skidded to a halt as the Hollow vanished again.

 

“Harder this time.” The voice came from his left. Instinctively Zaraki turned in the direction ready to slice through the assault he was sure was coming. The Hollow did not attack, just stood there like a monstrous statue.

 

“Why did the Hollow say that? Or was it Atonomatsuri who said that. Hey, bird. Get out of my dreams. I think I'll wake up now. I don't want to have these dreams anymore.” Zaraki struggled with his thoughts and struggled to wake up. It wasn't working.

 

Giving up the attempt he walked slowly until he was 10 metres from the Hollow. “What do you want?”

 

“Harder this time,” the Hollow said again.

 

Moving a further metre closer, he demanded, “What do you want?”

 

“What do you want? Harder this time.” The Hollow did not move.

 

“Can't you say anything else?” Zaraki's temper was becoming shorter as he moved closer to the Hollow. At five metres the Hollow vanished again. Turning slowly, he noticed that the Hollow had again appeared on his left.

 

“Harder this time. What do you want?” The words reverberated through the mask of the Hollow, becoming louder.

 

“I want to be stronger. What do you want?” Zaraki answered the question without thinking.

 

“Harder this time to be stronger. What do you want?” The Hollow moved closer and this time Zaraki backed away. He hated these freaking dreams. They made as much sense as Atonomatsuri when she was being her usual pleasant self.

 

“I want to be stronger. What do you want? What do I have that you want?” Where that question came from, he didn't know. Something compelled him to ask.

 

“Harder this time to be stronger. What do you want? I have what you want.” The Hollow sidled closer.

 

The words disturbed Zaraki. “It's a dream. Means nothing. Got to wake up. This is a dream. Hollows attack. They don't parrot everything you say. That's funny. I'm beset by birds. A parroting Hollow and a decomposing vulture.” Zaraki's thoughts were becoming a little haphazard as he tried again to force himself awake.

 

With a jolt, he finally woke. He was breathing heavily; sweat beading his forehead and his body unnervingly damp with perspiration. The room was dark. Pushing off his coverings he rubbed his face with his hands as he waited for his breathing to slow. When he had these dreams, he was pleased he was alone. No one to ask why he was sleeping uneasily. No one to question him, to ask if he was scared. It was better to be alone. He leant across and switched on a light. His eyes stung at the brightness and he dimmed it so the light barely illuminated the room.

 

For a moment he remembered when Retsu had talked to him after his nightmare the night he stayed in 4th Division. It had been good to have a distraction from the thoughts that the dream had raised. Retsu was different to what he had thought. She was an honest direct person. It was almost as if they were friends. Zaraki had difficulty in accepting the thought. From hardly knowing the woman, to becoming friends. Friends with Retsu. He'd never imagined it. He's thought all his friends were in 11th Division. Now it seemed he was preparing for another change. More friends. He shelved the notion as unimportant.

 

It had been entertaining playing the drinking games last night. None of them had become too intoxicated. They were mindful that they had things to do the next day. They had laughed so much and told each other silly stories. When he lost the last game, Ayasegawa threatened to paint Zaraki's office a pumpkin colour. He desisted when Madarame told him it wouldn't suit him. Pumpkin would not complement his skin tones. Zaraki had noticed a mocking tone as Madarame had said the words. Thinking it over, Ayasegawa agreed he would hate to sit in a pumpkin coloured office. The colour scheme was seemingly still undecided.

 

“At least the Captain-General won't expect me to do paperwork while I get my office tidied up.” Looking around his bedroom, Zaraki wondered idly if the clown captain had planted any devices in there. “Stupid idea. Why would he do that? Unless he wanted to watch me …no I don't even want to think about it.” With an expression of disgust at his thoughts, Zaraki picked up a glass to drink some water.

 

“There is no evil without its advantages.” Atonomatsuri was obviously awake. Hearing another adage, Zaraki automatically dismissed the words without thinking about them. He didn't want to talk to the vulture at the moment.

 

“I said there is no evil without its advantages.” There was anger in the repetition.

 

“I told you. I hate adages. They mean nothing.” Without thinking about it, Zaraki answered her, spurred by her tone. He might not want to talk to her, but it was apparent she wanted to talk to him.

 

“Think about what the words mean, Kenny. Adages usually have a …”

 

“I'm not thinking about what the words mean. I'm not even thinking.” Once more he felt obliged to talk to her.

 

“I've noticed. You really are a discouraging case, Kenny.” Atonomatsuri sounded despondent as she spoke. Zaraki ignored the tone of her voice and her words. He thought about getting up. Looking at the time, he noticed it was 11.11 pm. He'd been asleep 1 hour 11 minutes. He needed more sleep, but he was awake now. What could he do to get back to sleep? How could he be certain that the dreams would not return?

 

“Why won't you talk to me, Kenny boy? Have I said anything to distress you? Did the nasty dream alarm you? Poor little Kenny boy. Scared of the horrid dreams about a Hollow.” Atonomatsuri's sarcasm was worse than ever. Her voice dripped venom, but the snigger she uttered was weary.

 

Zaraki chose to ignore her. If he asked, she wouldn't enlighten him. Thinking about it, he could not identify the reason why the squalid creature had become worse over time instead of better. For a brief period it had seemed they had formed an uneasy alliance. That now had elapsed.

 

“Not talking to me? Poor little Kenny. Don't you want to know the big secret? Secrets are the untold truth. It's the secret behind everything.” She was trying to encourage him to talk to her. He may as well humour her, for the moment. He wasn't getting any sleep.

 

“What secret? How long will it take you to give details? Do I have to do something boring to get you to tell me, like listen to you? You'll probably lie.” Zaraki couldn't bring himself to trust the bird much. It took too long to get her to explain anything.

 

“It's an important secret Kenny. Very important. It's a secret about you. I know it. The Captain-General knows the secret too. He won't tell you. Maybe I will. A flower kept in darkness will not blossom.”

 

For a brief moment Zaraki wondered who the flower was. He hoped that Atonomatsuri was not calling him a flower. That would be pretty strange even for the vulture. “What do I have to do in return?” It was obvious that there would have to be some compromise to get any information out of her.

 

“Simply say my name. That's not hard, is it? I think even a person with your inadequate talents can do that, Kenny. Say my name. Call me forth and I will tell you. I will tell you all. Yes, I will tell you all.” Her voice sank to a croon as she said the last words.

 

Not sure whether to trust her, Zaraki pondered the suggestion. If he said her name, she would appear. He didn't particularly aim to see her again. “How do I know you won't lie to me? This could all just be one of your ploys.”

 

“I'm hurt, Kenny. I thought we agreed to have confidence in each other. The getting of treasures by a lying tongue is a vanity tossed to and fro of them that seek death. Why would I try to lead you astray? What benefit would there be for me?” Atonomatsuri answered in a sing song manner, unlike her usual way of speaking.

 

“This is a dumb idea. A really bad idea.” Zaraki thought even as his mouth shaped the word, “Atonomatsuri.”

 

Swiftly the bird appeared beside the bed. Zaraki felt a surge of repugnance and moved as far away from her as possible. He'd forgotten the full repulsive nature of her appearance. She didn't seem quite as decayed as before, though she still looked hideous. For a moment he was glad that the light was dim so he couldn't see all her badly defined features.

 

“What's wrong Kenny? Don't like the way I look? You made me this way. You conjured your mind and me to look the way we do. A diamond may appear ugly before it is cut and the true beauty revealed.” Atonomatsuri glared at him, apparently upset by his reaction.

 

“Should I cut you? More than happy to do that.” Atonomatsuri hissed at his offer. “How did I make you this way? I had nothing to do with it. You're talking drivel as usual.” Zaraki wondered how he could get her to leave him alone. Why had he listened to her? At least when she was only talking to him, he didn't have to look at her. Now he was faced with the reality of the manifestation and he preferred his memory.

 

“I thought I'd explained it to you before, Kenny. Don't you remember? Here is a noble mind overthrown, except there is nothing noble about your mind. It's a mess.”

 

Zaraki decided to disregard the adages and quotes. Talking about them wasted breath. “I remember the lies and partial truths. How can I remember everything? You didn't explain that I caused your appearance. You seemed intent on telling me lots of other stuff that wasn't relevant. I recall that you wanted to talk about the number of bells in my hair.”

 

“Yes the significance of the number 11. As I mentioned before it is a master number and had magical significance. You may remember, in the Christian religion, if you remove the traitor, Judas Iscariot, from the twelve apostles you are left with the number eleven. I believe this to be a very significant coincidence. In the human world, the sun spot cycle is repeated every 11 years. Interestingly enough 11 is often believed to be the number of `The Peacemaker...” Atonomatsuri seemed ready to provide a monologue about the number 11. Zaraki was sure he wouldn't enjoy it. He was certain that Atonomatsuri would and was using it as a method of control.

 

“I wear 11 bells because I'm the Captain of the 11th Division. When you started going on about the significance of the number 11, I was amused. Why would I think up a complicated reason for something that was blindingly simple? You always have to find the elaborate reason for everything.” Zaraki had finally decided to challenge Atonomatsuri, but not to a fight. Her air of smug omnipotence made him even more determined to show her his truth and his reality.

 

“Our own life is the instrument with which we experiment with truth. I know there is a deeper meaning than you are espousing. I will make you confess the truth one day and acknowledge the lie. It is more than you are the captain of the 11th Division. It has to be more.” Atonomatsuri's eyes seemed to flash challengingly in the half light. Zaraki had not seen her look so disconcerted before.

 

“Can we avoid the garbage and talk about the secret you were finally going to reveal? That was the only reason I summoned you. Or do I have to go through the non-stop insults, adages, deviations and further insults? Atonomatsuri, this time could you tell the truth without the rest?” The use of her name seemed to soften the bird somewhat. She ran her beak over her feathers, preening slightly as she considered the question.

 

For a moment, Zaraki's sight darkened. Light flickered at the corners of his peripheral vision. When his sight returned he quickly realized what had happened. He groaned, attempting to reject what his eyes revealed.

 

The bird had taken him back into his mind.

 

Zaraki looked around his mouth open and his mind racing. His mind again! For the love of light, why this? This was worse than the dream about the Hollow. Shutting his eyes he counted to 11 before opening them. It was possible his eyes were playing tricks because of the lack of sleep. If the bird was so convinced of the power of 11 maybe it would perform a significant act and get him out of his mind. After he reached 11, he opened his eyes slowly. He was still sitting in the rocky badlands of his psyche.

 

“This is the way the world ends,

This is the way the world ends,

This is the way the world ends,

Not with a bang but a whimper.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about? What stupid rhyme is that?” None of this was making sense to Zaraki. Nothing had made sense since he started having the dream.

 

“It's just part of a poem. Nothing to scare the great Captain Kenny. It means as little as your mind. Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they're open. No one would ever suggest that described you.” Atonomatsuri shook her head, sadly.

 

“Okay. I've had enough of that. What's the secret? I didn't summon you just for the delights of your conversation. If I wanted to enjoy a conversation, I'd talk to someone else.” Zaraki stood up, deciding that he felt in more control if he was standing. It also gave him a height advantage over Atonomatsuri. A minor advantage, but strategy dictated that any gain should be exploited.

 

“The secret? Ah, well. Nothing is as burdensome as a secret. You know you have to pay a price before I tell you. Secrets are expensive.” Waggling her head, Atonomatsuri flicked a glance at Zaraki, as if trying to guess his reaction.

 

Instinctively, Zaraki reached for his zanpaku-to and then realized he would not be wearing it. He had been sleeping, and wearing the zanpaku-to when he slept was the idea of an idiot. He dropped his hand, only to find the hilt of his blade, fit into his palm. An exclamation left his throat.

 

“Of course your zanpaku-to is here. Not all the laws of the physical world apply. In fact you can make the rules, but that requires thought. The mind can be fascinating. Yours is monotonous. Still running through the same thoughts of destruction, death, and revenge. Occasionally there is a glimmer of original thought, but you are returning to lazy habits, letting others think for you. You have refused to listen to me, unless you have no other choice. It is important that you listen to me. My advice is essential for your survival.” Atonomatsuri raised her voice, the pitch rising also. Her expression indicated anger and concern.

 

“I don't want to talk about that. I want to know the cost of the secret. If it's listening to you, the price is too high. If I want advice I will consult the I Ching.” His reaction to the statements made by Atonomatsuri shocked him. It seemed that close proximity with the bird, increased his hatred.

 

Atonomatsuri brindled. Her face assumed a sneer that highlighted the decay. “Kenny, Kenny. I'm disappointed. The I Ching requires interpretation…”

 

“And you don't? At least the I Ching has commentaries which explain the gist. I'm still trying to work out the meaning of some of your obscure observations. I'm so damned sick of you, your frigging adages and crappy appearance. Go and die somewhere. Get out of my head and out of my life.” Walking away from Atonomatsuri seemed the only solution. Zaraki walked as fast as he could; knowing all the while that he was trapped, and his anger was born of impotence. Being returned to his mind was bad.

 

Eventually he stopped walking. There was little reason to pretend. He could not escape. Grumbling to himself he looked around. As his dreams had indicated, his mind had changed. It was still a disaster. Chaos reigned. But the former asteroids in the sky were beginning to transform into planets. The broken and torn items were beginning to reform.

 

“I'll ignore your rude and hurtful words. I'm aware that it's because you're so pleased to be here once more, alone with me.” The words came from Zaraki's left. He didn't bother checking to see Atonomatsuri. He didn't want to look at her.

 

“Your mind has improved, but it could be because of my influence. You have to think carefully to restore your mind. Mind over matter. Does the mind matter? Age is strictly a case of mind over matter....if you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Your mind doesn't matter.”

 

The random spate of words made Zaraki pause. Did any of the words she uttered mean anything? Or was it yet another puzzle that the blasted decomposing flying carcass had designed to torment him? If he asked her, would he receive an intelligible answer? Instead he bent and picked up a sake bottle that was lying next to the teddy bear. He shook it with little hope, only to hear the splash of liquid within. With a feeling of relief at perhaps gaining some aesthetic against Atonomatsuri's words, Zaraki quickly opened the bottle and raised it to his lips.

 

“Don't drink that. It's a bad idea to drink that. I would definitely advise against drinking that. Put it down. It's dangerous.” Beak outstretched, Atonomatsuri tried to knock the bottle from Zaraki's hand. He lifted it higher and paused for a moment.

 

“If you tell me the secret and let me out of here, I won't drink it. I won't even ask the reason. Deal?” While he made the offer, Zaraki had little hope that it would be accepted.

 

“I'll tell you a secret it if you don't drink it.” The wheedling tone in Atonomatsuri's voice was ugly to Zaraki's ears. Ignoring the impulse to respond immediately, he considered her counter-offer.

 

“You said a secret, not the secret.” If he wasn't careful the secret she revealed would not be the secret she promised.

 

Atonomatsuri tried to look innocent, and failed. “A secret is a secret.”

 

“Death! No it isn't. I'm going to drink this unless you tell me the important secret. The one you used to get me to summon you.” Zaraki started tipping the bottle to his mouth.

 

`Stop. I don't want to tell you that secret yet.” While trying to dash the bottle from his hand again, Atonomatsuri accidentally cut it with her beak. The blood dripped from the wound onto the teddy bear. Atonomatsuri grabbed the teddy bear in her beak and backed away, shaking her head nervously. “This is not good. This is very bad.”

 

Quizzically, Zaraki looked at the vulture. “What's so bad about that, aside from the fact you cut me? I wanted to cut you. Are you trying to avoid giving me an answer again? Is that's what's so bad?” Was this an overreaction or was it another means of control? She didn't want to tell him anything that would be of use.

 

“You bled on the teddy bear. When we fought here before, no blood touched the teddy bear. I made sure of that. Now it has. Blood is thicker than water. Your blood is tainted. The bear bears blood.”

 

As he looked closer at his zanpaku-to's physical materialization, Zaraki was amazed to see that she was trembling. Her feathers were quivering and the clock faces in her eyes had turned from white to yellow. “So what? There's blood. I've bled on things before. Unlike Kurotsuchi my blood isn't acid. It won't hurt the bear. I don't know why you're carrying on like this. Is it another excuse? So you don't have to tell me a secret, or the secret, or any secret?”

 

“You don't understand. You bled on the bear. We've got to clean it, quick. Use the liquid in the bottle. Use it to wash off the blood. Hurry!” Atonomatsuri was holding the bear up to Zaraki, an imploring look in her disconcerting yellow eyes.

 

“This is just an excuse to make me empty this bottle so I won't drink it, isn't it?” Zaraki laughed harshly at the bird. “Good try. You keep telling me I don't understand. It's possible I don't understand because you don't explain. I'm drinking this. I'm not wasting it to wash some blood off a benighted teddy bear.” Again Zaraki raised the bottle to his lips.

 

“It's not sake in the bottle. Please, use the liquid to wash the blood off before it dries. We don't have long. The bottle will refill later. Don't drink it. You won't like the result. It will make you forget everything. I told you, the objects you find in your mind are symbols. Quick Zaraki. I'm begging you.” The vulture had moved closer, her neck stretched to the full extent as she proffered the bear to Zaraki, imploringly.

 

The use of his name made Zaraki pause, as did the tone in Atonomatsuri's voice. She sounded desperate and for once the words held the ring of truth. Sighing and disappointed, he poured the liquid over the teddy bear. As soon as the liquid touched the bear, the blood vanished as if it had never existed.

 

“It's not too late.” Atonomatsuri shut her eyes, her whole form relaxing after she saw the blood disappear. “The liquid made the bear forget he was stained with blood. That was close.” She moved away from Zaraki and placed the teddy bear on a shaky bookshelf that Zaraki hadn't noticed before.

 

“Where did that come from? What was the crisis with the bear? What do you mean the sake would make me forget? What's the damned secret? Why don't you explain anything?” As he asked the questions, Zaraki found his voice becoming louder and he moved closer to the bird. He put out his cut hand to pick up the bear. Atonomatsuri blocked his hand with her beak.

 

“Don't touch the bear while you're still bleeding. Haven't you worked out anything, you fool? The bear should not be marked with blood. As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.” Atonomatsuri's fury was intense.

 

Zaraki felt his temper rise in response to hers. “Answer the bloody questions, you useless collection of decaying flesh. How am I supposed to know anything about this? You won't tell me. Who else can? You hate it when you have to tell me anything. You resist as much as possible. Give me an answer, now.” Zaraki had drawn his zanpaku-to as he spoke and held the point at the eye that looked like a stopped clock.

 

Atonomatsuri backed away, until she was hard against the bookcase. She still appeared furious, but her fury was tempered with fear. “Which question do you want answered? Everyone pushes a falling fence. The book case was here originally, but it was just shards of wood.” Shutting her beak tightly, she lifted her head, trying to move her eye away from the point of the blade.

 

“I didn't want that question answered. Answer all the questions or you'll need an eye patch. I don't think it'd suit you.” Zaraki moved the point of the blade centimetres from Atonomatsuri's eye. This time he was unwavering in his resolve to get the answers he sought.

 

Atonomatsuri shut her eyes and leant her head back as far as she could. “The eye patch doesn't suit you either, Kenny. The liquid in the sake bottle is the liquid of forgetfulness. It's a symbol. I keep telling you that everything that is in your mind is a symbol for something, a concept, idea. If you drank it the liquid, you would forget everything. Remember, many people seek forgetfulness in the bottom of a bottle. That bottle, that liquid is a symbol of the things you have forgotten, the things you want to forget and the things you cannot remember, no matter how hard you try. I've answered your question.”

 

Thinking about the explanation made Zaraki feel odd. “You haven't answered all the questions. If you give me the answers, then I won't blind this eye. Start talking.”

 

------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------

 

Author's Note:

 

Zaraki won't be kept in his mind as long as last time, Atonomatsuri permitting. The story is approaching a rather interesting point, one I have been planning for some time. The next chapter will provide the opportunity to convince the vulture to divulge an important secret.

 

I know there was micro second of romance (?). If you blinked, you may have missed it. I'll try not to let it happen again.

 

The poem excerpt that Atonomatsuri quotes is by T. S. Elliott. I'm not stating the title because that would spoil my fun and I like my fun.

 

The `I Ching' is a Chinese method of divination which can be consulted for advice on specific matters. You think of a question as you throw coins and then look up the resulting trigram in a book. There is usually an explanation of the meaning and a commentary.

 

Review please. I appreciate the support and try to listen to any ideas.

 

MS