Buffy The Vampire Slayer Fan Fiction ❯ Fear Becomes You ❯ All Very Self-Help ( Chapter 10 )

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy or its characters and if there are actually books out there with the same titles as the books in here then it's just a coincidence and I don't own those either.

 

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Chapter #10: All Very Self-Help

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Spike had to be honest with himself. Nobody was going to turn him.

Other than Angelus and Drusilla there were no other Master Vampires in town that he could possibly ask. There were no other Master Vampires in town period. All that was left were minions and there was no way in hell that he was going to become one of them.

His earlier anger with Angelus depleting, Spike opened the Watcher's front door with a sigh. He just didn't know what to do anymore.

Drusilla was gone. Angelus wouldn't help him. The Slayer and her little gang were useless. He had no contacts or power as long as he was human. He had nothing.

He dropped down into his armchair with another sigh and stared listlessly at the dark screen of the television. What was he going to do now?

Curled up at the end of the sofa, Xander didn't look up from her book. “Hey,” she greeted absently.

Spike grunted in response, still lost in thought.

What was he going to do now? He couldn't stay like this.

He was Spike. William the Bloody. Part of the Scourge of Europe. Things like this were supposed to happen to other people not him.

“Oh hey,” Xander looking up from her book as she seemed to remember something, “I have something for you,” she said, putting aside her book and reaching over to grab something from a plastic bag on the side table.

“Yeah?” Spike asked and turned to her, his curiosity dragging him from his thoughts.

“Yeah. Here.” Shifting over in her seat, she held out a hardback book for him to take.

He reached over and grabbed the book from her hands. Sitting back, he turned it around to read the cover. Fearless: How to Overcome Your Fears and Start Living Your Life.

Spike blinked, confused. “Wot's this?”

“Self-help book,” Xander answered, already turning back to her own book.

Spike shot her an annoyed look. “I can see that. Wot's it for?”

Xander looked back over at him. “Well, you remember when you asked about what would happen if we just stopped fearing whatever it is we're fearing?”

He remembered. She hadn't had an answer for that one. “Yeah?”

“Well, I asked Giles that and he said there was a possibility that it could work. So we went to the bookstore and got some books,” She held up her own book for him to read the cover. Facing Your Fears: A Journey into the Unconscious

Spike looked down at his own book somewhat skeptically. “An' these are supposed t' help?”

Xander shrugged, putting her book down. “It's better than nothing.”

“Right.” These people were even more hopeless than he'd thought. There was no way a self-help book was going to work.

“I've actually been reading some of mine and it doesn't seem too bad,” she said, “Incredibly cheesy and embarrassing, but not too bad. And who knows? Maybe it'll work.”

Spike snorted derisively and opened his book to take a peek at the first chapter. Phobias, Insecurities, and More

There was no way he was using this.

It was good to know that there was a possible cure on the way, but he was not lowering himself to the level of using some useless self-help book. He'd just do it by himself.

“Xander, is Spike back yet?” the Watcher asked, coming in from the kitchen as he wiped his hands on a towel. Noticing Spike's presence, he stopped. “Oh good. You're just in time for dinner. Both of you go wash up.”

Spike didn't protest the order, carelessly tossing his book to the side and getting up to go wash his hands. He hadn't eaten since breakfast and he was starving, his stomach starting to emit those strange soft growling noises.

Human hunger was an odd feeling to feel again after so long, but it seemed he was starting to get used to it.

 

 

The next day, Xander and the others were in the library, Buffy and him crowding around Willow at the computer. Willow had done some hacking and they were in the middle of constructing an entirely new life for him, from birth certificates to school records and on. Giles was in his office pretending not to notice them doing anything illegal.

They already had a name for him—Alexandra Harrison—which was close enough to his real name that he wouldn't forget it but far enough away to not raise any questions.

She'd had a relatively normal life. Average grades with an average home-life, nothing worse than a few detentions on her permanent record and a broken wrist from her years playing soccer on her medical records.

The problem had come in when it came to back-story and place of residence. They'd needed some reason for Xander's home address to be Giles' place, without getting into any creepy territory, so Xander was now the daughter of one of Giles' close friends from college. Her parents had just recently died in a car accident in LA and so she was moving to Sunnydale to live with her godfather Giles. There were no other family relations as both parents had been the only child and all grandparents had died years before.

Her first day of school was Monday. It was now Wednesday and Xander wasn't looking forward to it in the least.

Because really. Who would actually look forward to something like that? Not only was it school, it was the final step towards the complete death of his life as Xander. Once he had stepped through those school doors, he would be dead and gone and some strange new girl would be taking his place. It would be admitting that yes, he had changed, and that yes, it was permanent. That this was the new him.

As long as he could stay hidden he would have some chance at remaining who he was. Willow, Giles, and Buffy all knew he was actually Xander and mostly treated him accordingly. The people at school wouldn't do that. They would treat him as a girl and expect him to act like one.

Plus, all of the people that he knew already would treat him like a stranger, because, to them, he was one. He didn't want to have to go through the whole process of meeting everyone he already knew again. He didn't want to have to restart his entire life.

He'd already had a life. Maybe not the best of one, but it had been his and he'd kind of liked it.

That eye-thing had taken it all away. Everything he had ever done or had was now gone. Just like that. One little look at a rock and it had all vanished.

This was still all Spike's fault, no matter what that bastard said otherwise. He should never have even tried to use that thing on Buffy. If it hadn't been for him none of this would have ever happened.

“Okay. And I'm done,” Willow said, lifting her hands from the keyboard.

“Really?” Xander asked, standing behind her and reading over her shoulder, his hands on the back of her chair. “That's it?” He'd somehow thought it would be a lot more painful than that.

“Yep,” Willow said cheerfully and looked up at him, “You are now officially Alexandra Marie Harrison. Congratulations.”

Xander grimaced at the sound of his new name, feeling himself dragged down even further. “Well at least I'm getting a better middle name than LaVelle.”

“Yeah. Way to look on the bright side there, Xan,” Buffy said sarcastically.

“What?” Xander asked a touch irritably, looking over at her. He was trying to stay positive here. “Am I supposed to be excited or something? You guys are just lucky that I'm not going totally berserker over here.”

Willow turned in her chair to face him, looking a little worried. “Why would you be going berserker?”

“Oh I dunno,” Xander said sarcastically, “Maybe because I'm now officially a girl? That's not really something of the good, you know."

“It's not really something of the bad, either,” Buffy said, giving him a weird look. Like he was the crazy one.

“Yes it is,” Xander said, turning to Buffy with wide eyes, shocked by her inability to see the obvious wrong of the situation, “It's totally of the bad. How can you even say that?”

“Oh c'mon,” Buffy said, giving him a look, “You've been a girl for, what, like, two weeks now? And you didn't freak out any other time. How is now any different?”

“It's different. It's way different.”

“Yeah?” Buffy crossed her arms and looked at him in challenge. “How?”

“It's different because it's official,” Xander tried to explain.

“But nothing's changed.”

“Everything's changed,” Xander stressed, “It's official.”

“Does being official really matter?” Willow asked, obviously a little confused by his logic.

“Of course it does,” Xander said, turning to her, trying to make her see, “It makes everything official.”

“Okay and now you're just getting repetitive,” Buffy said, looking a little annoyed.

Which Xander could admit that he kind of was. He just didn't know how to explain it any better than that.

This time was different because it was official. All of those other times had basically been nothing because, in comparison, they were only a minor change. He'd still had his life; it had just been on hold for a while.

Now he didn't even have that. According to the United States government, he was now officially a girl. You couldn't get around something like that. His life as a guy, and as himself, was officially over.

Xander Harris had died and Alexandra Harrison had been born.

“My entire life has just been destroyed, Buffy.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Oh, don't be so dramatic.”

“I'm not being dramatic,” Xander said in exasperation, “How would you like it if you were suddenly changed into some strange guy and had your entire life ripped away from you?”

“Your entire life has not been ripped away from you.” Noticeably not answering the question.

“Oh yeah?” Xander said challengingly, “Name one thing—one thing—that hasn't been taken away.”

“Well . . .” Buffy paused as she thought, taking a bit longer than Xander really liked. Was his life really that pathetic? “Well, you still have us.”

Which was true but not really making him all the happier.

“And when this is over, everything will be back to normal,” Buffy continued positively. “This isn't permanent. You just have to stick it out for a few more days.”

And Xander wished he could go back to being that deluded. It was becoming obvious that Buffy and Willow were refusing to let go of the idea that his change would be miraculously cured overnight. He wasn't going to be cured that easily and that was that. If he could admit to it why couldn't they? He was the one with the problem here.

God. If those self-help books didn't work out he didn't know what he'd do.

He shook his head, turning away from Buffy's smiling face. He needed to get away for a bit. “I'm going to the bathroom.”

 

Getting to where the school bathrooms were, Xander stood outside in the hall and eyed the two doors. The one on his right read clearly `Women.' The other on his left read `Men.' Which one should he choose?

It was a major dilemma because if he chose `Women' then he'd be admitting that he was a girl. But if he chose `Men' then it would just be really awkward if he walked in there and some guy was already there.

Eventually, after a few tense moments of considering each door, he gathered up his courage and decided to just take the plunge. He was a woman now—he could admit to it—so the door to his right it would be. Besides this wasn't even his first time using the girls' bathroom. It was just always a hard choice.

Now he stood in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection. This was his face from now on. It was probably time to start getting used to it.

God. He didn't want to have to get used to it.

This wasn't his face. This wasn't his body. He didn't want to do this anymore.

Slowly, Xander reached out to touch his reflection in the mirror, letting fingers do a slow slide down the reflection of his face, and tried to blink back to tears that suddenly wanted to form.

He was a guy. Guys didn't cry.

Except he wasn't a guy. He was a girl. And that was the problem.

Swallowing roughly at the thought, Xander let his hand drop back to the sink, staring at his reflection, and blinked furiously.

That was him in the mirror.

It was a few quiet moments of staring and blinking, things only getting worse—because that was him in the mirror; that would always be him in the mirror—before he heard the bathroom door open behind him. Whoever had entered paused in the doorway before stepping into his line of sight and he could see Willow approaching him in the mirror. “Xander?” she asked, her reflection showing her concern. “Xander, what's wrong?”

Xander sniffled wetly and whispered, “I'm in the girls' bathroom,” as though that answered everything. It did. He furiously blinked back more tears.

Willow's concern seemed to grow at this answer and his reaction to it. “Xander . . .”

“The girls', Willow,” he repeated just to make sure that she got it, “The girls'.”

Willow didn't really have anything good to say to that. “I know.”

Nodding, Xander bit his lip and clenched the sides of the sink, closing his eyes and hunching over. This was just really too much for him. He wasn't used to this much emotion. How did girls deal?

Why couldn't he just go back to being in denial? He'd liked denial. It had been working good for him so far. Why did it have to fail now of all times?

Maybe girls just weren't as good as deluding themselves as guys were. They were more emotional so that could make sense.

“You always seemed so okay with everything,” Willow finally said after a few quiet moments, “And happy. Are you not happy?”

“Happy?” Xander choked out, opening his eyes and turning to his best friend, “Willow . . . I'm a girl. How on earth could I be happy?”

“Well . . .” Willow hesitated, “I guess I didn't think that this would be that hard. Being a girl isn't really that horrible, is it?”

“Did you not hear Giles when he said mental torture?”

“Oh no,” Willow shook her head, “No, I did, I just. . . .You seemed to be handling it so well.”

“Of course I did,” Xander mumbled bitterly, turning away. He'd only had buttloads of experience with his parents, after all. He'd thought that at least Willow would be able to see past that.

Apparently not.

Xander wiped away the tears with his arm and sniffled again.

“I'm sorry,” Willow said. And she truly did look sorry. “I guess I just can't even imagine what it's like, huh?”

“No . . .” Xander said and softly shook his head, “The only one that could possibly understand is Spike and he's an asshole.”

“Yeah . . .” Willow agreed, looking down.

Xander sighed. He guessed he was just going to have to deal with this without them.

 

 

It had been a long and boring day.

Spike was, in a way, still getting used to the idea of being awake in the daytime and asleep at night. It was a weird concept to him and it had been playing on his body for the last week. His body would say that it was time to sleep but his mind would know that it wasn't. He'd tried to combat the sleepiness by going out and searching for Dru, but now that he didn't have that, and that all he had to do was sit about on his arse in his enemy's house watching bad daytime telly, it was getting harder to fight.

He was bored and tired and thinking of taking a nap, but knew that that would just mean he would be bored and awake and hating it in the middle of the night when he wasn't allowed to be up.

And wasn't that sad. He, a Master vampire, had a bedtime. And even worse - he actually followed that bedtime.

He had to. They had made it more than clear that unless he cooperated he wouldn't be getting any freedom or food. What else could he do but comply?

This was horrible.

Spike sighed miserably, raising the remote to turn off the telly. Then stared for a moment at the blank screen.

He could see his reflection in the glass. Distorted and small, but still. It was a reflection.

Wonderful. Another reminder.

Dragging his eyes away, he searched the room for anything to do. His eyes finding themselves inexorably drawn to the self-help book the bint had given him last night, he paused. Was he really that bored and desperate?

A second's thought gave him the answer: Yes.

Hating himself for it, Spike reached over and grabbed the book. This had to be a new low for him.

But who knows? Maybe the bint would be right and it actually could work. Anything to get out of this miserable existence.

Flipping to the first chapter, Spike settled in to read. He had a few more hours before the bint and the Watcher were due home. There was no way that he was going to be caught reading this.