Buffy The Vampire Slayer Fan Fiction ❯ Fear Becomes You ❯ The Trouble With People ( Chapter 11 )

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Chapter #12: Step 1: Acceptance

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“The first step to overcoming fear is to accept that you are afraid. To accept what you fear. When you can do this, and only when you can do this, can you make steps to move past your fear.”

Re-reading that, Spike frowned then looked up from his book and at a reflection which would always be disturbing to see but had been put aside for the moment.

What fears did he have? Or, at least, what fears would he admit to having? To himself if no one else.

He knew he feared abandonment. Which fit in well with Dru leaving him, come to think of it. Spike's frown deepened and he looked down. Maybe that was why she'd done it. Never mind the fact that she`d done it before. Before it had never seemed so final. So maybe she'd come back on her own when he was cured. . . . Maybe . . .

Spike shook his head and got back on track.

What else was he afraid of?

This took thought and some serious soul-searching. And Spike winced. Bad phrase that. He didn't have a soul. He refused to have a soul.

Was that a fear? To have a soul? Spike knew he really didn't want one, so it must be.

Okay so two down. How many did he have? It couldn't be that many.

What else was there? What else did he not want?

He knew he didn't want to be weak. And humans were definitely weak. Weak-willed. Weak-minded. Physically weak. Pathetic.

And that was probably it, Spike realized in a flash of clarity. That was probably why he was human. He didn't want to be weak. If he hadn't minded being weak he would've gotten the soul which would've been horrible and he would've been pathetic but at least he would've been the kind of pathetic that could fight back.

Now, could he accept that he was afraid of these things?

It took a second to realize it. He already had.

Spike blinked at his reflection, somewhat startled to discover this.

And how had that helped?

Looking back down at his book, Spike flipped through the pages in search of the right section. Maybe he'd done something wrong.

 

 

Things got better as the week passed and he got more used to people but they never became too much better. Xander still had problems.

He just wasn't used to his new size yet and he didn't think he ever would be completely. After all, how could he? He was used to being a relatively big guy, not huge but not small either, and then something like this comes around and totally throws him for a loop. It was crazy.

Walking down the path to Giles' house after school, Xander got to the door of the house just as Spike was turning into the drive. Turning the knob to find it locked, Xander took out his key and stuck it in the lock. By this time Spike had gotten to the doorstep and he waited almost patiently for Xander to open the door. Pushing the door open, he started to step inside only to have Spike rudely push past him and into the house, shoving him into the doorframe.

“Geez. Rude, much?” Xander said as he rubbed his shoulder where he had impacted with the frame, a little annoyed but getting way too used to Spike's rudeness to really care much. He continued into the house, closing the door behind him, dropping his backpack next to the couch, and heading for the kitchen for a drink.

“Hey G-man,” Xander greeted Giles as he walked into the kitchen, not really paying attention to what Giles was doing in there. He headed straight for the fridge where he took out a soda and turned to lean against the counter as he popped open the top.

“Xander!” Giles said, sounding more than a little surprised. The older man jumped up from his seat at the kitchen table and stood in front of it as though to hide what he was doing.

Xander looked up at him just in time to see Giles sweeping a pile of papers and a bottle of gin behind him. Getting a little suspicious, he turned to Giles and tried to pretend he had seen nothing. “Yeah. Me. What's up?”

“I - I, um,” Giles stuttered, seeming a little too nervous.

Xander peered at him closely. “You okay there, G-man?”

“Ye - yes, yes. I am. I just - Xander.” Giles turned to Xander seriously, seeming to calm himself, and spoke, “I'm afraid I have some business to attend to tonight. Do you think that you—and - and Spike, of course, mustn't forget him—Do you think you two could possibly vacate the house for just tonight?”

Now Xander was really suspicious, but if Giles wanted him out of the house then there really wasn't anything he could do. “Alright. Sure. Let me just go tell Spike, okay?”

Giles seemed a little too relieved. “Yes. Yes, thank you.” But he didn't sit back down, continuing to block the table's contents with his body, even going as far as to move with Xander as Xander walked past to block Xander's view from all sides. Xander tried to shrug off Giles's weird behavior, but he couldn't help but be worried. He'd seen the alcohol.

“Hey, dipshit,” Xander said, coming into the living room and leaning forward against the armchair behind Spike's head.

Spike growled as best he could with his human vocal cords but otherwise ignored him.

“Hey. I said, hey,” Xander said and reached out to poke Spike's head.

Swiping a hand at him irritably, Spike still didn't turn to look behind him, but he did ask, “Wot?”

“We need to leave,” Xander told him.

“No,” Spike replied simply and continued to watch the TV.

“Giles needs the house to himself tonight,” Xander tried.

“Don't care,” Spike replied.

Xander huffed irritably. Trust Spike to be difficult. “Giles says if you don't leave he won't feed you anymore.”

At this, Spike finally turned to him with narrow eyes. “Yer makin' that up.”

Xander kept his features serious. “You wanna bet on that? `Cuz I can go ask him, easy.”

Spike growled to himself again, but didn't take the bet. Getting up from his seat, he snatched his coat from its spot hanging on the couch and stalked out of the room angrily.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vamp Meal on Wheels

Giles drunk.