Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ Ever Wonder...? ❯ Funny Take 1...ACTION! ( Chapter 1 )

BISHLOV NOTES:

Ehehehe. Here I go again. Let me offer you a brief explanation about the history of this fic.

1st Upload - this fic was first uploaded under CCS category of FF.net quite some time ago by touya_mou. Unfortunately she got kicked out probably because she placed this under the wrong category.

2nd Upload - touya_mou begged me to post this again so I took pity on her and took this under my chicken wings. Unfortunately the category "Lists" of the said site was deleted and so was this fic.

3rd Upload - I reposted this under CCS of the said site but this time I placed some dialogues so I won't get kicked out. Unfortunately (again) the story was deleted (again) due to reasons known only to the powers that be of the said site.

4th Upload - This would be it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Mediaminer's got nicer people in charge. Is it just me or does anybody else thinks that this fic is cursed?

These are my ideas on how Kinomoto Touya spends all of the money he gets from his odd jobs. There's no truth whatsoever with what's listed here (as far as I know) so don't go on asking CLAMP about these.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own CCS or any of its characters. CLAMP does. This is just a product of my imagination. Any similarities to other fan fictions are unintentional.

~ ~ SCENE

< > ACTIONS

EVER WONDER WHAT TOUYA DOES WITH HIS SALARY?

By bishounen lovah a.k.a. touya_mou

STRAIGHTFORWARD:

SAVES THE MONEY FOR HIS COLLEGE FEES.

~At the University ~

Fujitaka: Class, your paper is due on Monday. It must be ten pages long or more.

Class (including Touya) : <groans>

Fujitaka: Touya, since you're my son I expect you to do better. Thirty pages for you.

Touya: Hoe!!!

Sakura: <whacks Touya on the head> Hey! That's my line!

HE'S GONNA THROW AWAY HIS BIKE AND REPLACE IT WITH A COOL CAR PERHAPS A FERRARI OR PORSCHE.

~Sakura and Tomoyo walking home from class~

WHOOSH!!! (Blur of yellow zoomed past the girls.)

Sakura & Tomoyo: <tries to hold on to their hats and skirts>

Tomoyo: What was that?

Sakura: I think it was Kero-chan.

WHOOSH!!! (Red sports car zoomed past the girls.)

Sakura & Tomoyo: <hold on to their hats and skirts again>

Touya: COME BACK HERE YOU STUFFED ANIMAL!!! GIVE ME BACK MY PUDDING!!!

HE'S SAVING UP SO HE CAN FOLLOW KAHO MIZUKI TO ENGLAND.

~London Airport~

Kaho: Touya! Over here!

Touya: <rushes over to her and hugs her tightly> I am so glad to see you again. Kaho, there's something I want to tell you…

Kaho: No wait. Let me go first <shrugs out of bear hug>. Touya, I can't be with you anymore. I found someone else.

Touya: Nani?

Kaho: I'd like you to meet my fiancé…Eriol Hiiragizawa.

Eriol: <steps out from behind Kaho> I do believe we've met before, Kinomoto-san.

Touya: Hai <stares at Eriol>.

Kaho: I hope you're not upset if I fell in love with another guy.

Touya: Oh no. I don't mind. In fact I came here to break things off with you.

Kaho: Nani! <bug eyes>

Touya: <stares deeply in her eyes> Kaho…I'm gay.

Kaho: NANI!!! <jaw drop>

Touya: <turns to Eriol> Can I buy you a drink, Eriol-kun?

Eriol: Uh, sure.

Kaho: <sweatdrop> H-HEY!!! THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND, DO'AHO!!!

EH? HONTO NI?

HE'S GONNA SECRETLY LURE FUJITAKA, SONOMI DAIDOUJI AND HER GRANDFATHER TO A DESERTED ISLAND UNDER THE PRETENSE OF FREE VACATION. AND HE WON'T SEND A BOAT FOR THEM UNTIL THEY RECONCILE THEIR DIFFERENCES.

Sonomi: This is your entire fault, Kinomoto.

Fujitaka: Nani?

Sonomi: Yeah, you. If you hadn't taken Nadeshiko away from us this would never had happened. Tell him, Ojiisan.

Old man: <holds up palm leaves> Do you think these would make a good loin clothe?

HE'S GONNA HIRE THAT DUDE HOST FROM SURVIVOR TO ACCOMPANY FUJITAKA, SONOMI AND THE OLD MAN. HE CAN STOP THEM FROM KILLING EACH OTHER AND PROBABLY LET THEM PLAY AN IMMUNITY CHALLENGE OR TWO.

Jeff: And it's time to vote off…the weakest link.

Bishlov: <whacks him on the head with her keyboard> I said 'Survivor', you nincompoop.

Jeff: Oh right. Eherm. Tribal Council. It's time for you to decide who will go home as the ultimate survivor.

~Voting area~

Sakura: <holds out paper to camera> I vote Otousan of course. I could use those 1 million dollars to feed Kero-chan.

Eriol: <writes on paper>

Syaoran: <holds out paper to camera then leans to the left> Dang it, Tomoyo. Hold that camera steady will you?!

Rika: <holds out paper too> I vote for the grandfather. I'm a sucker for old men.

Terada: Dang it <snaps fingers>! Defeated by several decades. I knew I should have dyed my hair gray.

Yukito: <writes on paper>

Touya_mou: I vote for Sonomi because she's the only girl among the trio.

Bishlov: Feminist!

Touya_mou: Not really. She just gave me one of those kawaii hand phones in exchange for my vote.

Bishlov: ^_^0

Tomoyo: <hands camera to an elephant> I vote for Ojiisan. I think his loincloth is so kawaii!!! Ohohohoho!

….

HE BUYS TONS OF HAIR CONDITIONER AND SECRETLY LEAVES THEM AT YUKITO'S DOORSTEP WITH YUE'S NAME ON IT.

Man: Ano…

Touya: Just a sec. Hmm…should I pick this one or this one?

Man: Ano…

Touya: <shoots impatient look at the man> What?!

Man: You've been here for three hours. We need to close the store now.

Touya: Oh…okay then. I'll buy these <heaves ten gallons worth of conditioner on counter>

Man: <sweatdrops> will there be anything else, sir?

Touya: Hmm…maybe I should give him some shampoo too <goes back to shelves and stays there for another three hours>

HE HIRED A CHEF WHO SECRETLY LEAVES HIS 'MASTERPIECES' AT YUKITO'S DOORSTEP (YUP, RIGHT BESIDE YUE'S CONDITIONER.)

Touya: Psst.

Chef: …

Touya: PSST.

Chef: <turns around and sees a bush walking towards him> Sacre bleu!

Touya: <head popping out from the bush> Oy, keep it down. Did you do what I told you to do?

Chef: <huffs> Oui, oui, monsieur. I left the food right beside that big drum.

Touya: Are you sure they're delicious?

Chef: <huffs again> Most certainly. They don't call me Iron Chef French for nothing.

Touya: Good, good. Now…NANI?!

Chef: BLEU!!! My creations! They're walking away!

Flick: Hurry up, bugs! Hopper's gonna squish the queen any minute now.

SECRETLY COMMISIONS SOMEONE TO MAKE A GIGANTIC ALARM CLOCK FOR SAKURA.

BONG! BONG! BONG!!!

Sakura: @_@ H-hoe! <Stands up only to collide with a life-size gong> HOOOEEEEE!!! Who the heck are you?

Guy in Aladdin suit: I am Abu, memsahib <bows deeply>. Sahib Touya ordered me to wake you up.

Sakura: ONIICHAN!!!

HE'S GONNA BUY SAKURA LOTS OF CUTE STUFFED TOYS. MUCH CUTER THAN THAT WINGED STUFFED LION SHE HAS IN HER ROOM *WINK WINK*

Sakura: Hoe? It's raining sheep again! ERIOL-KUN!!!

Eriol: <points finger at his bewildered face> I didn't do it. I'm innocent I tell you…INNOCENT!

GONNA COMMISSION SOMEONE TO MAKE AN OUTRAGEOUS COSTUME FOR TOMOYO TO WEAR. THEN HE'S GONNA BUY A STATE-OF-THE-ART VIDEO CAMERA AND FOLLOW HER AROUND AND SAY 'KAWAII' ALL THE TIME.

Touya: Eherm. I want you to have this <hands gift to Tomoyo>

Tomoyo: Nani? <Opens box>

Touya: It's my Cinderella costume. Maybe next time you can use it as a pattern so that kaijuu won't have to wear those tacky clothes.

Tomoyo: NANI!!! <Shoves wig in Touya's mouth>

Ojiisan: Say, Tomoyo-dear. I heard you liked my loincloth…

Touya_mou: <bonks bishlov on the head with keyboard> ENOUGH WITH THAT LOIN CLOTH ALREADY!!!

PLAIN CRAZY:

HE'S SECRETLY BIDDING FOR A COMPLETE SET OF BRONTOSAURUS FOSSIL FOR HIS FATHER.

Touya: Hmmm…I'm a million dollars short <counts money inside wallet>

Nakuru: TOUYA-KUN!!!

Touya: Cut it out, Akizuki <raises hand to remove Nakuru's arms around his neck>. I can't breathe.

Man behind podium: Going once, going twice…SOLD! 50 million dollars from that young man with the girl hanging over his back.

Touya: <faints>

HE'S PLANNING TO RENOVATE THEIR HOUSE SO THEY CAN FIT FUJITAKA'S BRONTOSAURUS FOSSIL.

Touya: I don't hear any hammering <lies back down on the hammock and sips his lemonade>

Nakuru: Kuso! You're a slave driver do you know that?

Touya: Hey, you're the one who got me into buying those pile of bones. I'm too bankrupt to hire actual carpenters so this is your punishment.

Nakuru: Do'aho.

Touya: What did you say?

Nakuru: Nothing, master.

Touya: Good. Wake me up when you're through demolishing the neighbor's house.

HE'S SAVING UP TO BUY A MEDIEVAL CHASTITY BELT FOR SAKURA.

Touya: It's either this or I send you to a convent, imouto.

Sakura: Hoe?

<Enter singing nuns>

Nuns: How do you solve a problem like Sakura…

HE'S SAVING UP TO BUY A MEDIEVAL CHASTITY BELT FOR SYAORAN (PLUS A DOG COLLAR WITH MATCHING LEASH.)

WHITISK!

Touya_mou: What was that?

Touya: Don't you know the sound of a whip when you read one? <whitisk!>

Syaoran: Hey, watch it!!!

Touya: You've wasted enough of my time, gaki. MUSH! MUSH! <whitisk, whitisk!>

HE'S GONNA BUILD A MUSUEM THAT WOULD ONLY FEATURE HIS MOTHER'S PICTURES. THEY SEEM TO HAVE TONS OF THEM *WINK WINK*. AND PERHAPS IF THEY CAN'T MAKE THEIR HOUSE BIG ENOUGH, NADESHIKO WOULDN'T MIND SHARING HER SPACE WITH FUJITAKA'S BRONTOSAURUS BONES.

Nadeshiko: <sitting on top of the humongous skull> And then…hic…I fell on top of him…hic…You know what, Bronto-kun, if I didn't…hic… marry that guy I would be…hic…famous now.

Bronto-kun: …

Nadeshiko: Want a swig of my…hic…beer?

Bronto-kun: …

Nadeshiko: Okay but you…hic…don't know what you're…hic…missing.

Bronto-kun: ^_^0

GONNA BUY ANOTHER COLLAR AND LEASH FOR NAKURU.

WHITISK! WHITISK!

Touya: Faster, Akizuki! Faster, gaki! Mush! Mush!

Syaoran & Nakuru: <glares at Touya but kept on running on fours>

Touya: <whitisk!> Faster, my snow dogs. We need to outrun Cuba.

WHITISK! WHITISK!

Touya: Oh hey, Santa. Fine reindeers you have there.

Santa: Yours seems to be well bred too. OHOHOHOHOHOHO!

Tomoyo: <whacks Santa on the head> Hey! That's my laugh!

GONNA BUY ERIOL ANOTHER MAGICAL STAFF BUT THIS TIME SHORTER. SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE PROPORTIONATE TO THAT BOY'S SIZE.

BRRR! BRRR!

Touya_mou: What the heck was that now?

Touya: Don't you know the sound of chainsaw when you read one? <pulls on cord again>

Touya_mou: <shakes head in despair> Freak.

BRRRrrrrrrRRRRRRrrrRRRRR!!!

Touya: Come on Eriol. Come out, come out, wherever you are…AHA! So that's where you've been hiding <peers inside Penguin Slide>

Eriol: AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! <Runs out, staff at hand> Stay away from my staff, you sicko!

Touya: <runs after Eriol, circling the slide again and again and again…> come on, now. I'm just gonna trim it down a little bit. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

GONNA HIRE AN ASSASSIN TO KILL BISHOUNEN LOVAH.

Bishlov: Nani? Who goes there? <Looks outside and sees Red-haired man>

Gasp!

BATTOUSAI!!!

…AND THEN THERE WAS PEACE ON EARTH.

^.^