Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ What I Didn't Know ❯ Dynamics ( Chapter 11 )

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 11-Dynamics

It didn't take long at all to adjust to university life. I much preferred it to high school, even if it did mean I still had to live at home. That turned out to be for the best anyway, since it allowed me to keep an eye on Sakura when our father worked long hours, just like I always had. That bit of normalcy and consistency in life was welcome.

It was after a busy day filled with soccer practice, lectures, and my part-time job that I was trying to slog through my chemistry assignment. I'd enrolled in one of the more difficult classes, thinking that I'd enjoy the challenge, only to find that it was a complete nightmare. Maybe I was just tired, but nothing was making any sense.

Yuki stood behind me as I worked at my desk, trying to get me to take a break. I couldn't. I had to understand this. If I stopped now, I'd just have to start all over again later. I was so close to getting it. I only needed a few more minutes, and then it would all become clear.

"To-ya," he said softly, "you're going to make yourself crazy. Just put it away for now."

"In a minute," I answered brusquely.

I felt his hands on my shoulders, and his fingers began kneading my stiff muscles. "You're so tense," he said, still in that quiet, gentle tone. "I don't know why you're pushing yourself like this."

The repetitive, soothing movements of his fingers massaging me was distracting, but, God, it felt good. Where did he learn to do that? "I can't slack off," I said, turning the page in my text. "My course load is really demanding."

"Because you signed up for it," he reminded me. "You don't have to take on so much. It's only the first term." His persuasive fingers kept moving, the pressure increasing, but I tried to shrug him away as I scribbled formulas in my notebook. When I looked at what I'd written, it was all just a bunch of gibberish. "We should go out," he said as I turned to a fresh page and started over.

"Uh huh, in a minute." Okay, if the molality of the solution per liter is... which means the number of grams is.... Dammit, I know this stuff.

"I keep hearing about that new jazz club near campus. We could check it out."

"Yeah, that sounds good." But if the density is... then what is the mole fraction? That's a very good question. Concentrate, Kinomoto.

"You like jazz."

"Uh huh." Okay. I almost had it.

"And Sakura-chan has decided to join a motorcycle gang and terrorize Tomoeda."

"Yeah, that's fine."

Yuki suddenly reached in front of me and slammed my textbook shut.

"What the hell was that for?" I asked, twisting around in my chair.

"I'm calling an end to this," he said, crossing his arms determinedly. "You have the rest of the weekend to study."

"But-"

"No buts," he ordered. "I don't want to see you walking around like a zombie because you're working yourself to death. We're going to do something fun tonight, whether you like it or not."

I just stared at him for a second before I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. There was nothing in the world funnier than Yuki trying to be stern. It just didn't suit him at all. "You're right," I said, quickly composing myself. "I'm sorry."

"No, I know," he said, giving me an indulgent smile. "But you do need to slow down and take it easy once in a while, or you're going to burn out."

I knew I'd signed up for too much, but that was what I needed right now. I needed to be doing something at every moment. It was the only way I was going to figure out what I wanted.

I liked working at the campus bookstore. It was the first job I'd kept for longer than a week, only because I was seeking stability. Floating from one thing to another was fine when I was in high school, but now it was time to get serious. The steady hours and steady pay were good, even if I didn't see myself continuing such a line of work in the future. But it would do while I waited for my calling to make itself known to me.

The classes I'd signed up for weren't much help, either. I'd thought taking these science courses would give me some ideas. Despite my present frustration with my chemistry assignment, it was something I both enjoyed and excelled in. Science was something that made sense to me. There was something comforting about the logic of it. No matter how uncertain the world seemed at times, there was always an underlying reason for everything. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Matter can be neither created nor destroyed. It's all about balance. See, comforting. Well, to me, anyway.

Add chemistry to my classes in philosophy, literature, history, and economics, and it was a buffet of choices for someone with a big empty plate staring back at him. But nothing seemed right. I didn't want to be a doctor, or a writer, or an archaeologist. I didn't want to work in an office or a research center. All I knew was that I wanted to do something where I could help people. That sure narrowed it down, didn't it?

"So, are we going?" Yuki asked now, and I realized I'd been lost in my own thoughts again. I didn't mean to withdraw like that.

"Sure. Just a second." I pulled a more appropriate shirt out of my closet and buttoned it over my white t-shirt so I wouldn't look like a complete slob. "Should we ask Sakura to come with us?"

"She'd probably be bored," he replied, and there was a slight edge to his words. I brushed it off as impatience.

"Yeah, but let me check." I went to her room and knocked on her door. "Hey, kaijuu," I said, letting myself in before she answered.

"You're supposed to wait to be invited in," she scolded, not turning around from her desk.

Kerberos was sitting in front of her television playing some video game, and he made an irritated shushing noise at us. "I'm trying to get to the next level," he said.

We all ignored him. "Sakura, we're going out. Want to come?"

"I don't think so." She said this distractedly as she focused on the pink sheet of stationery in front of her.

"What are you writing?" I asked.

She hastily turned the sheet over and gave me a glare. "None of your business."

"Are you writing to that gaki again?"

"What part of 'none of your business' did you not understand?"

I sighed. We'd been through this before. "I don't know why that gaki-"

"He is not a gaki!" she said defensively.

"Is too!" my inner twelve-year-old shot back.

"Is not!"

"Whoa, separate corners, guys," Yuki broke in.

"Is that why you don't want to come?" I asked, hoping I sounded like an adult again. I was so tired of seeing her moping around. Even since that gaki left the country, she'd had this wistful expression. She was too young to be pining away for anyone, and the fact that it was that little punk just made my blood boil. She'd never said so, but I knew.

"Besides," she said now, still glaring at me. I glared back. So much for being the grown-up here. "Otou-san said I could invite Tomoyo-chan over tonight. She'll be here soon."

"Well, okay," I agreed slowly. Tomoyo would probably bring an armload of videotapes with her again, giving Sakura more to moon over.

"Really?" she asked sarcastically. "Is it really okay with you? You're not going to stand over me and watch my every move?" Where did that attitude come from? Oh, that's right. Growing up. And it was all just beginning.

I tried to soften my approach. "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm fine." Sakura waved her arms around as if this proved anything. "See? You don't have to smother me."

"Sakura-chan," Yuki said gently. She looked at him, her green eyes large and round, and immediately all the hostility left her posture. That was all it took. He had that effect on people. He whispered something to her, and she listened attentively before nodding.

"Okay," she answered softly. Her tone was totally different than it was with me. But I was used to that. Then she gave him a sweet smile, and I knew I'd been had.

She probably thought I didn't see her stick her tongue out at me as we left her room. I had to stop myself from returning the gesture before shutting the door. Very mature.

But I could sympathize with her. Twelve had been tough for me, too. I'd had more responsibility around the house. 'Tou-san was working longer hours, which meant that most of the time, I was looking after my five-year-old sister. There she was, so little and trying to understand why her mother went away and why her father was so busy all the time, and it fell to me to explain things to her. Things I still hadn't understood myself.

When things got to be too much for me to handle, 'kaa-san would pay me a visit. She'd tell me how proud she was, that I was such a good little adult, that she was glad 'tou-san had me and Sakura to help him.

Then, as I'd approached my fourteenth birthday, her visits became shorter and less frequent. She wasn't going to be able to see me as much anymore. That was how she'd put it-that she was seeing me, and not the other way around.

It will be easier for you, she'd said. Someday we won't be able to see each other anymore. It was as if she knew the choice I'd eventually have to make.

Soon after that, she stopped visiting me altogether.

And then I'd met Kaho.

At first, Kaho had been someone I went to for guidance and comfort. With her kindness and understanding, she was almost a mother substitute for me. Which made the way our relationship progressed all the more inappropriate. Maybe there was a twisted part of me that was attracted to her because she reminded me of my mother. Maybe I really did have some deeply rooted oedipal issues.

I stopped thinking about that before it went down an even weirder path.

"Am I smothering her?" I asked Yuki now.

"You're just being an older brother."

"That's not what I asked."

He looked at me and shook his head, but his next words contradicted the gesture. "Maybe a little. But that's just how you are."

That wasn't very reassuring. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

"Leave her alone?" I scowled at this suggestion. "She's growing up. She's not going to need you as much anymore."

But that was my job. If she didn't need me, then, honestly, what was I supposed to do?

He saw that I didn't take to that. "She'll always need you," he corrected himself. "Just in a different way."

"How do you know that? You don't even have-" You don't even have a family. I couldn't believe I'd almost said that. "-a little sister," I finished lamely.

"Maybe not, but she's the closest thing I have. I love her almost as much as you do. And if she says she needs a little breathing room, then I think we should give it to her."

He slipped that "we" in there to make me feel better. "Of course you take her side," I said, but I felt one corner of my mouth lift, taking the annoyance out of my words.

"It's not about sides," he reminded me.

"I know."

As we headed downstairs, the doorbell rang. "I've got it," I called to the rest of the house.

It was Tomoyo, just as Sakura had mentioned. "Good evening," she said with a shy little smile.

"Good evening, Tomoyo-chan. How are you?" Yuki replied with his typical friendly ease as I held the door open.

"Fine, thank you. I'm staying with Sakura-chan." She awkwardly held up her large overnight bag. "I brought some videos she wanted to watch."

I knew it. "She's in her room," I told her, jerking my thumb toward the ceiling. "You can go on up."

"Need some help with your things?" Yuki asked. Damn, I should have thought of that. Her bag did look heavy, and I was a clod not to offer to carry it for her.

"No, thank you." She smiled again before hefting the bag over her shoulder and going upstairs. She was one of the most polite and soft-spoken people I'd ever known. 'Kaa-san had been like that, too.

I'd been about to shut the door when Tomoyo's mother came up the walk. She was finishing up a call on her cell phone and signaled an apology to me as she told the person on the other end that she'd get back with them tomorrow. "I'm sorry," she said, stashing the phone away. "I was going to walk up with Tomoyo, but...." She didn't finish her sentence as she shifted her briefcase to her now-free right hand. "Your father should be expecting me," she explained. "We have a little business to discuss."

I stepped aside to let my mother's cousin in. Actually, I supposed she was my cousin, too. Which also made Tomoyo my cousin. I wondered why that hadn't occurred to me before. Probably because we'd never really been treated like family by the Amamiyas. "How are you, Sonomi-san?" I asked.

"I'm well, thank you." Her violet eyes regarded Yuki with barely concealed curiosity. "I'm sorry; I don't think we've ever been introduced." She managed to be straight-forward without being rude. It was impressive, and a little intimidating.

"I'm Yukito Tsukishiro," he answered. "Touya's... friend."

Now her eyes imperceptibly glanced between the two of us. "Oh, I see," she replied. "I'm Sonomi Daidouji. It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you, too, Daidouji-san."

This was strange, our little group standing just inside the front door. "Can I get you anything, Sonomi-san?"

Before she could respond, my father appeared. "Sorry, sorry," he said with a sheepish smile. "I had to finish what I was doing before I lost my place. We can talk in my study, Sonomi-kun. Would you like some tea?"

"No, thank you. I can only stay a few minutes. I have the papers you need, but I want to go over them with you, in case...." The sounds of their conversation drifted off as they walked away, and then I heard a door close.

"I wonder what that's about," I mused to myself. I didn't realize I'd said it aloud until Yuki gave me a poke in the ribs with his elbow.

"I suppose we could stay and find out," he said, and he pretended to resign himself to the fact that we were never going to leave this house.

"Well, you can, if you want," I said as I sat down to pull on my sneakers, "but I'm going out." If there was anything I needed to know about, 'tou-san would tell me. And if there wasn't, I could pester him relentlessly until I wore him down.

"Place is probably closed by now," Yuki muttered under his breath, but then he looked at me and grinned.

I did want to go. I'd been too busy and distracted lately. The fact that I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a minute made it abundantly clear that I needed a night out. A break. A chance to wipe my mind free of everything school and family related. I needed to relax and have some fun. I'd never been very good at letting myself do that.

"Although," I said, keeping my tone completely serious, "I haven't even started my philosophy paper." I added an exaggerated sigh for effect, but I knew it was too much, because his response was to laugh.

"Neither have I," he admitted. "If you come over tomorrow, we can work on them together."

That sounded like a setup for something else entirely. I raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. "We've been spending an awful lot of time together. Aren't you sick of me yet?"

"Not yet," he replied with feigned seriousness. "But I'm sure it's just a matter of time."

Everything always was.

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