Crossover Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction ❯ Reason And Accountability ❯ Is It Still An SI? ( Chapter 6 )

FIVE

The following morning Komachi’s ahoge was sticking up a lot more than usual. Like Tanya Degurechaff up there, or even as much as Nyaruko, who pretty much extended that metaphor as far as it could go. I was feeling really sleepy, like my previous nights of weird nightmares had left me physically exhausted, so I applied one of my 108 skills and a can of Max Coffee after my breakfast with the cutest little sister in anime. Or in the top 10, anyway. Kyon’s little sister was super adorable, but not a genius like Komachi. I gave her a lift to her middle school and rode the extra mile to my own, usual morning stuff, sat in my anti-protagonist chair near the interior wall and noticed several things. Kawasaki, while late, was hotter looking that usual. Had she been working out? Other than the usual white color, she was a yamato nadesico, only with that slightly edgy almost-yankee way she glared at people. Wait. Why was her hair that silver color? And her eyebrows? And lashes? That’s not… oh dear. I looked around abit more and all my story characters were here as I’d written them. Are you still an SI if you’re in your own story? Do I smell toast? No, I do not smell toast. So not a stroke. Am I still dreaming? Probably. Maybe that tomato was a little bad after all. I surreptitiously pinched my leg. Ouch. Or did I dream that it hurt?

I honestly have no idea how I feel about this.

Classes were usual stuff. No weird comments on building your own reality, or third impact lectures, or the first world war arriving later and being dominated by aerial witches, creatures from space with octagons, flying witch girls in need of pants. None of that. It was just normal stuff. I think I would worry a lot less if I wasn’t such a light novel reader that I knew how bad it could be. Taunting Misato is probably, on second thought, kinda mean. If I ever see her again I am totally going to heal her organs, including her abused liver, and reverse that hysterectomy from Third Impact in Antarctica.

The day was going mostly okay until my hot for teacher sensei, Hiratsuka Shizuka showed up as that just out of reach pre-30’s woman smoking hot sex appeal in a lab coat. I think that maybe Komachi is right about me overdoing this character. There is no way she’s single… though all the threatening text messages in the Chiba Village arc showed an obsessive person that explained a great deal. I wonder which guy made her that way? She’s gotta be an alpha widow. She never talks about a guy, but she’s a school teacher so why would she?

“Hikigaya, come to my office after class.” She said just before the bell rang for end of period. I sighed.

I am sure she wants to chew me out, but which time?

“That’s some high praise you’ve got for bears,” she accused, holding out my bear essay. I read through it, same as my most polished version. I looked at her fuming.

“Weren’t you supposed to be the Modern Japanese teacher? This is my essay for science, on the biology of mammals, specifically bears.”

“I’m the student Counselor. Your biology teacher brought it to me. What’s all this stuff about being a prideful loner?” she demanded, looking angry as she smoked. Smoking a cigarette, I will note, like it has offended her and lighting it on fire and consuming its essence was her primary revenge. Say what you will about Japanese women, but they know how to hold a grudge. I smiled my evil smile.

“I kept thinking about this after I turned it in and you know what? I really wanted to re-write it. I’ve got some paper here. Give me ten minutes.” I took out the paper as she glared. I started writing.

“Bears are mammals, and omnivores by necessity though carnivores by preference. Evolution has forced them to adapt to a number of different environments, and food sources. Bears, being the largest land predators that survived the last ice age’s end, adapted to the loss of their primary hunting game by adding grubs, fruits and berries and fish to their diets. Many of these food sources no longer acted as herds and were best gardened and browsed from set territories, so bears became territorial. Male bears would pick a large area without other male bears, and female bears would overlap surrounding a dominant male, limiting their interactions with other females but making themselves available to the male when they were in season. This Momma Bear survival strategy has worked well for bears though all surrounding females would have the offspring from the singular male, whom I will simple refer to as Chad-san for the purpose of simplicity. Chad-san is satisfied by his harem of females and their cubs, being his, he does not kill. When the cubs are old enough they are driven off to find new territories or perish as nature intended, and the females come into season again to repeat the process. Chad-san has access to his harem of surrounding females and the females enjoy his attentions as required. They browse their gardens of fruits and nuts and fish and grubs and it is a stable system for breeding new bear cubs and maintaining their population. There is considerable overlap in this survival approach with other mammal species, including herd animals, lesser forest species, and even primates, using territory and various methods of dominance to insure all females get the best possible genetics from the local Chad-san, the dominant male. Humans of course, use the monogamy system so low value females only get access to a single low value male they are married to, rather than Chad-san, provided the females actually support monogamy if they have any choice, rather than sneak off and become single mothers or lie about the paternity of their children to a husband who may grow suspicious when the child show no characteristics of his own. This tendency explains the nature vs nurture paradox in child rearing, and why adulthood asserts the true genetics over the training during adolescence and childhood. Bears do not have to worry over such things since a new dominant male Chad-san who has defeated the former Chad-san in single combat will immediately kill the cubs of all nearby females, who then in their assumed-grief ovulate for breeding immediately and are usually impregnated within days, establishing the new regime. Other mammals which have an Alpha Male (Chad-san) as their primary breeding also do this method of infanticide, including Lions and primates, though not wolves. It is reasonable that this method of reproduction and infanticide is present across all mammal species, in general, since such patterns also exist in Japanese history, particularly during times of civil strife, raiding neighboring settlements for females and food, burning the village, enslaving or killing the children. The whole of mammal evolution seems to point to the dominance of violence in reproduction and while morally abhorrent, remains a curious fact of the animal kingdom.”

I watched Shizuka read my little essay and smirked as her eyes widened at points. She was a Japanese literature teacher. She knew her histories, because historical accounts produced a lot of important literature. Every school child knew about the various raids and factions, particularly during times of famine, where the darker side of humanity emerged doing terrible things to the neighbors who had the temerity to be lucky or work harder or survive just a little better than they had. Invade in the night, slaughter the men and boys, take the women and girls as slaves and rape victims. Take all the food. Burn the village to the ground. Take their livestock. Gain through violence. That’s the real ugly side of Japan. A serious lack of empathy when stomachs were empty.

“Do you have references for this?” she finally said.

“Yes. There’s a whole bunch of papers, lots of them in English, including from Jane Goodall, various bear experts in Alaska and Montana, and some who study the hot spring macaques here in Japan,” I explained, grinning. Shizuka went from annoyed to vaguely sick. “Biology isn’t very nice. Especially field observations of wild animals. They stop being cute and start being worryingly referential.”

Shizuka shook herself off from a series of dark thoughts that reflected in her eyes and expression before handing me back my paper. “Get the references on there and I’ll clear it with your science sensei.”

“How did that thing go yesterday?” she asked me. She was referring to Bubbly-chan, Yuigahama.

“She was satisfied. By the way, how are things going with that Battle you talked about?” I asked her.

“Oh that? Don’t worry. I’m keeping it all in here,” she pointed to her full and bountiful breast (how is she still single?), “And I’ll decide the victor based on my judgement and prejudice, so don’t worry about it.” She turned away and grinned. I sighed. This is what happens when women have any kind of power.

“So what do you think about Yukinoshita Yukino?” she asked me.

“She’s very annoying,” I answered without hesitation. 

“She IS an extremely talented student,” Shizuka corrected me. This did not change my opinion. “She’s gifted and talented, and gifted people have their own problems. She’s gentle and just most of the time, but the world is neither gentle nor just. I’m sure it must be hard for her to live here.”

“Is that why you want me to fix her? Trick her into thinking she’s fixing me, but I’m the one with a truly rational mind while she hides in her room like a princess in a tower.”

“Is that how you see her?” asked Shizuka, surprised. I guess she needs reminding.

“She’s waiting for a prince to rescue her. And put up with her cold and derisive commentary. Nobody will ever meet her standards. And she might get tricked by someone who pretends they do, who can act the way she wants. Until he’s plundered the treasury and fled the kingdom.”

“You’ve taken the metaphor right off the edge of the cliff, Hikigaya.”

“I like to read adventure stories. Maybe someday I’ll write them.”

“I thought you always say “to work is to lose”?” she accused me.

“I looked in the mirror recently and I don’t look like Chad, so I’m not going to be a house husband.”

“Oh, and what will you do then? Office drone like your parents? Work endless days of boredom and never see your family?” she taunted. That hit rather hard.

“Ouch.”

“Sorry, Hikigaya. That was below the belt. Forgive me. But what are you going to do?” she apologized.

“First, I won’t have a family, so they won’t exist to miss me. I won’t be letting them down by working long hours. Second, by not having a family I won’t have to work nearly as hard because I can have a small apartment rather than a huge one or a house with a mortgage I need to pay off before I die or retire. No family, lower expenses.”

“Really? You won’t meet a special someone and sparks fly and before you know she’s got an announcement to make?” she teased.

“Again, I have a mirror. I look like that poor guy from Toradora, or the one from Haganai. No sane girl will want me, and any that wants me will quickly lose interest in a going nowhere salaryman. Unless I can make a good living writing books, and I suspect the pay for those is a lot lower than people pretend. Manga artists of popular series all seem to live pretty cheap, so I guess that aren’t paid much either, and manga are very popular.”

“So you have been thinking about this realistically. I’ve kept you long enough. Here’s your hall pass.”

I returned to class and it was pouring rain by the time lunch arrived. I ended up eating my lunch at my desk, not my preference, watching the rain out the window, and all the people in the way. The popular kids were clustered around the Protagonist’s seat, facing the best girl seat beside it. Naturally this was the bitch queen with the drill hair curls, blonde, and doted on by the school prince with the fake smile. As characters I’d created them because I needed antagonists who would become uneasy shonen jump allies later. With a dark past, and maybe some redeeming traits or secrets which mar their popularity and appeal. Stuff that makes them imperfect. I of course, hated them instinctually. And unfortunately, this is where Bubbles found herself. They were her friends, and she was dangling her lunch basket behind her finely shaped… derriere. Okay, I know she’s going to thicken when she gets old, but she looks good now. I’m not planning a marriage here, even if she is. And I’m not going to take advantage of her, even if she really wants me to. Well, probably not. She might lose interest once she knows me for a while.

The banter got mean and then drills started getting nasty at Bubbles and I am starting to feel some anger. There are many ways to handle this. What was the princes name? One of them just said it.

“Hayato. Get your woman under control. She’s both loud and rude. Bubbles, you’ve got a lunch date, right? Get going,” I finally said. Yuigahama looked around at me and blinked then backed away as Hayato soothed his wretched queen. His hench-clowns started objecting, especially the dumb guy with the hair band.

“Shut up, hair band.” Ebina was watching with wide eyes and looked enraptured. That boded poorly.

Her nose chose that moment to erupt in a fountain of blood and drills finally had something to do beside glare at me for telling her off. Ebina babbled about Tops and I just died a bit inside. This is why I hate public interactions. I picked up my lunch and sauntered out, finding Bubbles and Snow Woman talking quietly, then turn and head toward the club building. Good for them. Maybe they’ll be friends.

The rest of the day was more classwork and lectures and a pop quiz before it was over and time for club. I sighed. I had a book to read, at least. If we had no clients today I’d read an hour and then head home to cook dinner for Komachi. She was MAD at me yesterday for coming home late. Thought I was hurt and in the hospital, or bleeding in a gutter after getting hit by Truk-kun. Truk-kun was deadly. Several students had been taken by Truk-kun this year, alone.

Instead of a quiet room, I found the girls standing at the door peering in and looking worried.

“What?” I asked. They jumped.

“Hikki! You startled me!” insisted Bubbles.

One very embarrassing conversation with a fat chuunibyo victim waving a novel at us, I finally went home, cooked dinner with Komachi, read some of it and went to bed, exhausted.