Crossover Fan Fiction ❯ Oh my Saber Urusei Onegai Azumanga Saga Z 1/2! ❯ Angel attacks, no Buffy needed! ( Chapter 3 )

You know the drill: All characters featured here are the sole property of their respective creators, not mine, and I swear I'm not making any money or any other profit out of this fan work of fiction. So there, hentai crew.

Any similarity with any real events, and living or dead persons, events and institutions, out of maybe harmless parody purposes, is sheer coincidence.

No one under the age of 18 should be reading this, or there will be Heck to be paid. You children go to wait for Powerpuff Girls Z to be licensed here. Is that understood? Okay? Fine.

 

 

 

Episode 2: Angel Attacks, no Buffy Needed.

 

It was another beautiful, peaceful morning at the Masaki Shrine in the green hills outside Tokyo. The birds chirped on the branches of the big, old majestic trees surrounding the temple, and the sun was proud and bright high in the sky.

 

Also, an unearthly beautiful young woman, entirely naked save for a flimsy pink apron that her boyfriend had had a long terrible bad time convincing her to put on at least, happily sang to herself with her gorgeous Kikuko Inoue-like voice, while hanging Katsuhito Masaki's and Keiichi Morisato's just washed clothings to dry.

 

Suddenly, though, she jerked and tensed. That strange reaction to apparently nothing at all surprised Keiichi, who had been sitting on the porch fixing a motor. The student of Mechanics looked at her, curiously, and again, a bit still excited by her nudity (you never got really used to having a supermodel looking goddess walking naked all day around you, which had introduced Keiichi to a state of semi-permanent hard on between fuckings when he wasn't at the college). “Hey, Belldandy” he called out, slightly worried. “You okay there?”.

 

“K-Keiichi-san…” she shuddered a bit against her own will. “There is… a problem, I believe…”. She turned around to see him. “They have sent… someone. An angel. I think it is Sachiel…”.

 

“The what of what now?” Keiichi arched his thick black eyebrows, puzzled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tokyo Bay.

 

 

 

A huge shadow passed through the waters, swimming several feet under the quiet surface and sending ripples up through it. And for once, it wasn't Godzilla. Sorry, Godzilla fans.

 

However, once burned, or rather forty hundred times burned, by now, the Japanese Defense Forces (mere euphemism for `Japanese Army', but hey, you knew that already, you otaku), were more than Godzilla-trigger-happy by now, so as soon as Giant Ass Huge Thingamabob had shown up in the radars approaching the coastline, the signals of alarm had been sent all through the city, and the evacuation had started sooner than you can say `Last one to get to the refuge is stomped worse than the American `Zilla remake'. Several artillery units, tanks and battalions had been deployed around the beaches in another effort to uselessly sacrifice soldiers' lives to a monster they didn't have any business fighting, but eh, life's tough like that.

 

(Cue dramatic music from the first EVA episode here).

 

 

Elsewhere, a thin and average young man with short black hair, wearing a white shirt and black pants and shoes, carrying a small Pikachu backpack, walked to a public phone, the last one in the city after all the Kaiju attacks, Yakuza drunk destructive sprees, and everyone and their dog in Japan having a cellphone by now. He tried to make a few calls, but finally had to give up and hang it.

 

“Ah, I don't get it” he mused. “I wonder how everyone just ran away yelling when the train that brought us here stopped”. After that convenient bit of expository monologue, he sniffed himself under an armpit. “I mean, I remembered the deodorant this time…”.

 

Then, he sat down on a sidewalk, watched the desolate, lonely streets around him and moaned. “This isn't my day. Again. Don't tell me the busty woman won't come for me after all…”.

 

He pulled out a small photo, showing an extremely shapely young lady with long black hair (I'm taking a cue from Manga Misato here, so don't expect for Purple Hair Misato here. Anyone wanna make somethin' of it? Huh? Huh? `Thought so. Now, we return you to your normally scheduled lemon), and leaning towards the camera, winking an eye, showing off her big, succulent cleavage, wearing nothing but a yellow top and blue jean shorts.

 

`To Shinji: Wait for me at 10:00 AM on the Hideaki Anno bus stop near the train station. Kisses, Misato. And notice the cleavage! Notice it! NOTICE IT!!”.

 

“Man, she really wanted my attention, didn't she?” he asked himself. “She must have known otherwise I wouldn't come here to meet Dad again… What is she of my father, anyway?” the 14-years old boy wondered. “His lover? That shameless womanizer… It has been only nine years, seven months and twenty six days since Mom died! Her tomb's still warm!”.

 

Then the Earth trembled and shook below his feet, almost sending him down. “Ah. Earthquake again. I love Japan” he deadpanned, before hearing the whistlings of planes through the air, and the giant steps in the distance.

 

Shinji looked around, and saw a lumbering, gigantic humanoid monster of black skin and long limbs, with a tiny white head, coming from the beach, stomping all over an army and ignoring the planes throwing bullets, missiles and kitchen sinks on it.

 

“Oh wow!” the boy gasped. “KAIJU! KUSO! KOWAII! ¿Y AHORA, QUIEN PODRA AYUDARME?”.

 

As if answering to his rampant abuse of multilingual confusion typical of most anime fanfics, he then saw a bright blue Renault Alpine A310 (thank you, Wikipedia!) speeding madly towards him, and screeching to a mad, sudden halt in front of him, and one of its doors opened, and out peeked the head of the gorgeous woman from the picture, smiling at the boy.

 

“Hey, hello, Shinji!” she chirped out cheerfully. “Come on, jump in! We gotta run for it before Big Boy arrives here!”.

 

“Katsuragi-san...?” Shinji craned his neck forwards. “Is that you?”. He asked mainly because she was wearing a red jacket and skirt with a black shirt buttoned to the neck, and no cleavage shown. He mainly was familiar with her cleavage, since he really hadn't looked at the rest of the picture that well.

 

“No, I'm freakin' Moldiver, Defender of Anime Series without Fanfiction Devoted to Them!” Misato barked. “Of course I am Misato Katsuragi, boy! Now jump in and stop wasting time!”.

 

Convinced, and since he wasn't Emo enough to wish to die right yet, Shinji quickly and jumped into the seat next to the driver, closing the door behind him. “What's going on here?!” he asked. “Is this the end of the world?!”.

 

“Well, maybe” she admited, shrugging. “Get ready” she said.

 

“Uh, for what?” Shinji blinked, then saw the small memo pinned on next to the car's steering wheel. `From Yukari-chan to Misato-chan, please drive more carefully, you scare even me!'. He sweatdropped. “Oh, I get it…”.

 

“TURBINES TO SPEED!!” Misato yelled with a sudden maniacal high pitch, and sank a foot on the accelerator… “MISATOMOBILE, GO, GO, GO!!”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Shinji finally regained some sense of consciousness, and some semblance of himself after the horrible experiences of a Lovecraftian rollercoaster of driving horror, he found Misato had stationed in front of some underground setting full of highly technology.

 

“Grandma…” he sobbed, shaking violently and crying rivers of cartoon tears, “Tell her to stop… She hurts us, Grandma…”.

 

“Oh, for the love of--!” Misato slapped him back to sanity. “Snap out of it, Shinji! We were being chased, we had to go fast!”.

 

Straightening out with a final, loud sob, the teenager forced himself to nod. Misato walked out of the car full of bumps and marks, including some dead chickens splattered over its front, and signaled for him to follow her inside. “So? Come on, Shin-chan. Your Dad waits for you”.

 

“Well, I waited for him for nine years, seven months and twenty five days, so I guess he can wait for a little longer” Shinji grumbled as he followed her.

 

“Oh wow, you have a spine after all!” she marveled while using a pass-card to open the door in front of them. “So, the reports were wrong after all!”.

 

“What do you mean with that?” he asked.

 

“Oh, nothing! Nothing!” it was her turn to sweatdrop now. “Forget I said anything, please! Now, don't worry, I'll get you to your Daddy in five minutes flat, tops…”.

 

 

 

 

Two hours later:

 

“I told you, we're walking in circles!” Shinji whined again as he continued following her through a maze of cold and lonely halls.

 

“We're not!” Misato shouted back. “We're about to arrive there, we're at only three doors away from him!”.

 

“You said the same a friggin' hour before!” the teenager dispaired, pulling his hair out. “And look, we passed next to that very same `In case of Fire break the Glass' sign ten minutes ago!”.

 

“That's another one!” she differed. Misato huffed, and took another look at the map of the NERV headquarters she held in her hands. Damn, I knew we shouldn't have trusted that Ryoga Hibiki guy with making these, she bitterly thought.

 

Right then, another door opened behind them, making it to stop, and they spun around to see another very shapely woman, with short blond hair, wearing nothing except a skintight blue one piece swimsuit with lots of cleavage, and a white lab coat open over it, stepping out of a room to face them.

 

“Captain Katsuragi!” the blonde said in a very stern voice. “You are two hours late now! The Angel has destroyed half of the city, and the N2 Bomb the UN used to try to stop it wiped the other half off! What do you have to say in your defense?”.

 

“It was his fault!” Misato promptly pointed at Shinji. “He kept on distracting me and making lecherous proposals!”.

 

“WHAAAAA--??!!!” Shinji screamed. “ME??!!!!”.

 

“Ugh. Excuse Captain Katsuragi, please” the blonde sighed. “She's just that irresponsible. And slutty. You're the Third Child, aren't you?”.

 

“Third Child of who?” he asked.

 

“Bah, forget it” the blonde said. “Your father will explain it all. I am Doctor Akagi Ritsuko, Director of Scientific Development here at NERV”.

 

“Pleased to meet you, Doctor” Shinji bowed politely. “But, um, excuse me, but what is a lead scientist doing walking around a secret base in a swimsuit, may I ask?”.

 

“I am forced to provide as much fanservice as I can. This is an ecchi story, after all”.

 

“Oh”.

 

“Now come with me, I'll escort you to meet your father, Shinji”.

 

“How do you know my name, Ma'am?” he respectfully asked, with Misato grumbling going after them.

 

“Like I said, your father will explain it all” she dodged the matter. He threw a lollipop at him. “Here, suck on this one along the way and don't make questions”.

 

“Ooooooo! Lollipop!”.

 

 

Half an hour and five lollipops later, they arrived to a gigantic chamber where a huge purple mecha was held inside of a pool full with a strange red liquid. “Well, here we are” Ritsuko sighed. “You were right, Captain, those maps are bitches…”.

 

“What's that giant thing submerged in all the blood?” Shinji cringed. “Is it a weapon designed to battle creatures like the one who is destroying the city right now?”.

 

“Bingo” Ritsuko nodded.

 

“Does it have an unbelievable power that can cut like butter through all enemies of mankind, bringing peace and safety again?”.

 

“You are right once more” Ritsuko confirmed.

 

“Then, why, I don't know… WHY ISN'T IT OUT THERE BATTLING THAT DAMN THING?!” He yelled, then regained his usual meeky tone. “Sorry. Been under a lot of stress lately”.

 

“Don't worry. I know” Dr. Akagi shrugged. “Anyway, this is Evangelion Unit 01 â„¢, The Ultimate Weapon for the Defense of Humanity against Angels, Last Hope for Our Survival (all legal rights reserved, GAINAX, 1995-2006). She's an artificial humanoid designed to battle the Angels… creatures hellbent on attacking Earth and destroy our species at all costs…”. She made a pause, walked to a nearby water supplier, and poured herself a glass, after which she continued, “However, it needs a pilot to function, or else all its might is worth for nothing!”.

 

“And there is where you come in, Shinji” a cold, imposing voice called from above, and the boy looked up to see his 48-years old father, in a black suit, wearing dark tinted glasses and white gloves, standing on an upper catwalk overviewing them, closely followed by his loyal right hand man Waylon Smithers… I mean, Dr. Kozo Fuyutsuki, an old frail man who held his arms crossed behind his back.

 

“Father!” Shinji gasped. “You… you……………….. you look dumber with that goatee now, did you know?”.

 

“Really?” Gendo Ikari paused to caress his black goatee with a hand, thoughtfully. “But women like it… Anyway, Shinji, what matters now is, you must help us. We need you to pilot the EVA 01 NERV has built, and destroy the Angel that is menacing all of our lives”.

 

“WHAT?!” his son screamed. “You must be joking!”.

 

“You know I never was one for joking” Gendo darkly replied. “Do you think I would ask this to you if I had any other choice? There are no alternatives, Shinji. All of our lives depend on you now”.

 

The teenager blinked, then slowly asked, “Father… can I ask you three questions?”.

 

“Sure. Go ahead”.

 

“Okay. One, what have you been smoking? Two, where can I get some? And Three, who does she think she fools to think she's a blonde with those huge thick black eyebrows of hers?” he pointed at Ritsuko, then apologized to her, “Sorry again, Ma'am, but I had to get that out of my system”.

 

“No worries. They say all the time” Ritsuko coolly replied, lighting a cigarette.

 

“So, you are reluctant to cooperate…” Gendo pondered.

 

“You could say so…” Shinji replied. “Maybe another day, when you haven't spent the last nine years, seven months and twenty five days away from me”.

 

“I see. You are as grudge-bearing as you were when I left you. It is still about that choo-choo train I didn't buy for you, right? Very well”. He turned to his second-at-command. “Fuyutsuki, this pilot is a dud. Bring on Rei”.

 

“What?” the old man gasped. “But, Commander Ikari...!”.

 

“It's an order, Fuyutsuki!” Gendo insisted. “If she is alive, then she can pilot it!”.

 

Fuyutsuki gulped down, and minutes after, three redheaded Nurse Joys came bringing a stretcher with a severely wounded, bandaged young, also extremely shapely, quite busty for her age, fourteen years old girl with short blue hair, wearing some sort of skintight white battle outfit. “Ah… ahh…” the girl moaned in pain.

 

Gendo rushed to her side. “Rei, the emergency pilot is a pathetic, girly, sad and hopeless failure…”.

 

“Hey, I'm still here” an offended Shinji muttered.

 

“… Would you pilot Unit 01 for us and for Everlasting World Peace?” Gendo continued asking her, completely oblivious to his son. “Will you do that for us, Rei?”.

 

“Ahh- ah hah…” the girl nodded with a lot of effort, and tried to stand up, only to slip down and fall down to the floor with a loud thud. “… Ouch…”.

 

Shinji groaned, and looked back at Misato and Ritsuko's pleading faces, which looked at him with huge Bambi eyes. “Ohh, okay, okay, I'll do it!” he finally spat. “Stop the theater to make me feel guilty, okay?”.

 

“YEAH!” Misato clapped happily. “YAY, SHINJI…!!”.

 

“We'll never forget your brave sacrifice, Third Child…” Ritsuko sniffed some tears back.

 

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence…”.

 

“Then, go there and make him sorry, son” Gendo patted him on a shoulder. “We're all counting on you here!”.

 

“Little… help here, please…” Rei weakly pleaded from the floor.

 

As Shinji sat on the control cabin of the EVA, which was quickly filled with the red liquid to substain him inside, freaking him out at first, he asked through the intercom, “Hey, why can't any other of you pilot this, anyway?”.

 

“Only teenagers can pilot Evangelions, Shinji” Ritsuko replied through the communication window. “That's an unwritten rule of anime, only people under 17 can pilot any sort of giant robot or similar. Now, the EVA will react according to your actions. If you want it to walk, just move your legs. If you want it to throw a punch, just move a fist. It's so easy, even Rei mastered it in only one day”.

 

“Then why is she so hurt?” he asked, distrustful.

 

“She slipped in the bath” Akagi lied. “Now, ready for launch! GAMBARE!!” she yelled as the purple titan was shout outside to the mean streets of Tokyo.

 

Well, at least it wasn't half as bad as Misato's driving, Shinji thought as he clumsily guided the Evangelion in his first baby steps, stepping on a few cars and yapping dogs. It was a bit like driving a bicycle. If he only managed to get a full gist on it before meeting the so-called Angel, then he could—

 

Moments after that, he cursed his hopeful thinking as the Angel appeared out of nowhere and jumped on him, ready to rip him and the EVA apart with its huge claw-like hands.

 

“Weeeelllllll….” In the depths of the Geofront, crossing his gloved hands in front of his face, Gendo somberly pondered, “If he can't do it, you go in the EVA 00 to finish the job off, Rei”.

 

An unintelligible low moan from the pilot was all of her reply, laying on the stretcher with the Nurse Joys taking her pulse, while Ritsuko and Misato shared worried looks.

 

Finally, Misato spoke. “So… no lemon in this part, after all, huh?”.

 

“ `Afraid so” the scientist replied. “However, at least I got to give some fanservice. How's that? I'll get the biggest paycheck out of this ep!”.

 

“You bitch” Misato grumbled. “But just wait for the next episode. Take it from here, preview advance…”.

 

 

 

 

NEXT EPISODE:

 

Misato's voice: Next, in `Oh my Saber Urusei Onegai Azumanga Saga Z ½, the big battle is over! And Shinji is left without a place to stay, so I kindly offer him my hospitality!

 

Shinji's voice: But you only want someone to clean your mess for you!

 

Misato's voice: Ah, but you won't go unrewarded for it! All big heroes get their fair payment, and you'll get yours from me, Shin-chan! In the next episode, `The Breast', the lemon returns with a major vengeance!

 

Ritsuko's voice: And good thing, too, since without it, this chapter was painful to read…

 

Shinji's voice: Ano… wasn't the title supposed to be `The Beast'?

 

Belldandy's voice: Oh, my. We didn't get to do much this time, did we?

 

Keiichi's voice: I guess not…

 

Misato's voice, happily: And now, I *am* Fanservice!