Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ Here Comes the Bride ( Chapter 1 )

Pirates of the Caribbean:

 

Hot Bat's Chest

 

(A Tale of Double-D Proportions)

 

 

Written by: Greg Paraubek

 

Based on the sequel based on the movie based on the Disney theme park ride

 

 

HAMMER AND SICKLE STUDIOS PRESENTS A PARODY BY VOLKOV “A Really Bad Joke about Someone's Chest” SONIC KNUCKLES ROUGE AND MILES “Tails” PROWER SHADOW G-MAN FEATURING AMY ROSE CERVANTES MEGABYTE AGENT 47 KERRIGAN ARTHAS BORIS BIG THE CAT GORDON FREEMAN WITH DR. IVO “EGGMAN” ROBOTNIK AND OMOCHAO BASED ON THE SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE THAT WAS BASED ON A THEME PARK RIDE BUT STILL MANAGED TO GROSS A FREAKING FORTUNE BY DISNEY SCREENPLAY BY GREG PARAUBEK WRITTEN, PRODUCED, IMAGINED, DIRECTED, AND UTTERLY DISGRACED BY GREG “VOLKOV” PARAUBEK

 

THESE FILMS ARE RATED R FOR: STRONG VIOLENCE, BLOOD AND GORE, ALCOHOL USE, PERVASIVE ADULT LANGUAGE, SEXUAL THEMES, NUDITY, AND WHATEVER ELSE THE DIRECTOR CAN TOSS IN TO FURTHER ANNOY THE RATINGS COMMISION

 

 

Intro: Welcome one and all to my…fifth parody. Man, that makes me feel old. As you have no doubt guessed by now (if not, you may be legally retarded), this is a parody of “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest”. So, enjoy. And before you continue, pirates are way cooler than ninjas.

 

Note/Disclaimer: All the characters and what-nots are trademarks of their respective owners. I own the story, however. That's mine. As though anyone else would want to take credit for it…

 

Chapter One: Here Comes the Bride

 

[The camera fades into some teacups. It's raining. The camera quickly shows a collection of random (and increasingly damp) objects. Finally, it settles on a bouquet. The camera zooms out to show that the flowers are being held by Rouge, looking sad (and wet) in a white bride's dress that male members of the audience can't help but notice is very clingy. The scene cuts to these serious looking British redcoats, who in traditional redcoat style, make an unholy nuisance of themselves and bust down the door to Rouge's wedding. She turns and drops her bouquet; her husband to be, Sonic, is in chains.]

 

Rouge: Sonic! What…what's going on?

 

Sonic: (not at all looking at her face) They look very nice today…

 

Rouge: Hey! Hey! Eyes up here! What's going on?

 

Sonic: Oh, you are so about to find out…

 

[A dark shape wearing a British officer's uniform moves through the crowed of redcoats, as Rouge's father, the Governor G-Man approaches.]

 

G-Man: Rouge? Whats-s-s going on (swallow) here?

 

[The dark shape emerges from the crowd; it's Shadow.]

 

Shadow: What's happenin'? Well, Governor G-Man…after all this time that's all you have to say?

 

G-Man: S-s-shadow…

 

Shadow: That's Lord S-s-shadow to you. I am here to arrest a certain…Sonic the Hedgehog. As well as his friend, Mister Miles Prower. Is Mister Prower available?

 

Rouge: (righteous indignation) What are the charges?

 

Shadow: Bitch, I wasn't talking to you. I'm charging Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum with allowing a pirate to escape from his execution. The penalty for that is…(dramatic pause)…death.

 

[Everybody gasps.]

 

Rouge: No!

 

Shadow: Oh yes. I'm sure you all remember a certain Knuckles the Echidna?

 

All: Captain Knuckles the Echidna!

 

Shadow: No, seriously. That joke got old after the first film.

 

Rouge: Captain Knuckles the Echidna would be most disappointed in you…

 

Shadow: Listen, he's a pirate. I don't give a rat's ass if he's disappointed in me.

 

Sonic: Come on! You're destabilizing a multi-million dollar industry based on the concept that incessantly saying “Captain Knuckles the Echidna” is funny!

 

Shadow: IT ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! You're just rehashing jokes from the first movi…err…from…earlier. Alright, how about this? The next person who calls him Captain Knuckles the Echidna will become intimately acquainted with the concept behind the term “soap-on-a-rope”. We good?

 

Voice in the crowd: Did he say “Snakes on a Plane”?

 

Shadow: SOAP ON A ROPE, YOU TARD! (pause) The hell's a “plane” anyways?

 

Rouge: You can't arrest Sonic!

 

Shadow: Oh, you don't like that do you? Well, I have another paper that lets me arrest you. And the next person who whines about all this is also going to get arrested! Now, move out!

 

[After one last gratuitous shot of Rouge's chest, the scene cuts. The camera focuses on the rigging of the Black Pearl, Captain Knuckles the Echidna's ship {Author's Note: Guess that means it's soap on a rope for the narrator. Wait…that's me. Crap}. Staggering around on the deck, hauling a keg of vodka, is the ship's second-in-command, Boris.]

 

Boris: Fifteen comrades on a dead man's chest (takes a swig). Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of vodka! Drink and Stalin had…(swig)…something…something…motherland! Comrades! Hic! Where's me fuzzy hat at?

 

[Boris staggers some more as a loud bell tolls. Boris, showing remarkably un-Russian behavior, ignores his drinking for a minute to see what's making the noise. Crows fly overhead. The camera follows the crows as they fly towards what the movie claims is a “Turkish prison”, but is obviously the fucking Barad-Dur from “Lord of the Rings”. Christ, it even has Sauron's eye on the top gazing suspiciously for lost jewelry. The camera shows us some random scenes of torture, also stolen straight from “Lord of the Rings”, and then cuts to the water's edge. A bunch of Turks are throwing coffins into the water. The camera follows them as they float away. A crow lands on one of them, pecks a few times, and then gets totally vaporized. Captain Knuckles the Echidna pops out of the casket.]

 

Knuckles: Note to self: Never fart inside a sealed a coffin.

 

[Knuckles reaches inside, and puts on his jaunty little hat {Author's Note: This hat will be a recurring and very important plot point}. He rummages inside the coffin. There's a popping noise, and he pulls out a leg (not his own). He nibbles on it for a second, then stops.]

 

Knuckles: Well, let's get moving.

 

[He dips it in the water, and paddles off. The audience remains unimpressed and fondly recalls his entrance from the first movie. The camera cuts to the Black Pearl, as Knuckles climbs onboard, still clutching the leg. The crew crowds around, with some notables like Boris, Arthas, the mute Gordon Freeman, and his parrot, Omochao.]

 

Boris: Well, that didn't go entirely according to plan did it?

 

Knuckles: Everything goes according to plan always, when Captain Knuckles the Echidna is around!

 

Boris: That's nonsensical…

 

Knuckles: Get used to it. 90% of what I say for the rest of this adventure will make zero sense.

 

Boris: Okay…well, what did you bring us, Comrade Captain!

 

Knuckles: I have brought you…this!

 

[Knuckles whips out this sad looking little scrap of paper that looks like somebody either (a) wiped their ass on it or (b) wiped their nose on it or (c) did both. The crew looks disappointed.]

 

Boris: Oh…umm…that's…that was so worth all that effort…

 

Arthas: Yeah, we were expecting cool stuff!

 

Boris: You were hoping he'd bring Johnny Depp back with him!

 

Arthas: Mmm…Deppy-cakes…

 

Boris: QUEER!

 

Arthas: COMMIE!

 

Crew: SHUT UP!

 

Crewmember #1: Yeah…we're getting kinda annoyed of these stupid missions…

 

Crewmember #2: And all the Aztec gold is underwater…

 

Crewmember #3: And the British Navy is chasing us all over the place…

 

Crewmember #4: By golly, can't we get some cream or something? My butt itches something fierce.

 

Crew: Aye!

 

Knuckles: Wait…butt cream?

 

Crew: Aye.

 

Knuckles: (blinks) You mean…you want…butt cream?

 

Crew: Aye!

 

Knuckles: Okay, how about I get to decide what we do?

 

Omochao: Freaking retard! Freaking retard!

 

[Knuckles whips out his gun and points it at Omochao, hovering peacefully over Gordon's shoulder.]

 

Knuckles: What did that parrot say?

 

Omochao: I'm…I'm not a parrot…

 

Arthas: Can you just, you know, show us what's on that paper?

 

[Knuckles is about to do so, when that damn little monkey from the first film runs by, grabs the paper, and scurries along the rigging. Knuckles, showing remarkable restraint, shoots at it about six dozen times. The monkey drops the paper and Arthas picks it up.]

 

Arthas: (looking at the paper) It's a…dildo?

 

Boris: Paaaaaansy…

 

Knuckles: Okay…obviously we have all been on this boat without women for way too long.

 

Boris: (taking the paper) It's a key!

 

Knuckles: Ah-ah-ah! But that is where you are wrong! That is a drawing of a key!

 

Boris: Oh.

 

Knuckles: Yes, so, what does a key do?

 

Arthas: Opens things!

 

Boris: I bet you'd like that…

 

Knuckles: Quiet! Yes, keys unlock things.

 

Boris: So…whatever this unlocks…has valuable stuff in it? So, we're going to find the thing that this key unlocks?

 

Knuckles: Nonsense! We don't have the key, so obviously, we can't unlock whatever it is this key unlocks without having the key that does the actual unlocking. Rather, we have a picture of the key that does the unlocking of the item that the real key, which we do not possess, unlocks. Whichever is greater.

 

[The crew and the audience stare at Knuckles stupidly.]

 

Crewmember #2: So…we're…going…after…the…key?

 

Knuckles: It makes perfect sense!

 

Omochao: If you're retarded…

 

Knuckles: Exactly!

 

[The crew mutters in agreement.]

 

Boris: All right then…so…which way do we head?

 

Arthas: Hehe…head.

 

Boris: PANSY!

 

Knuckles: We go…in a…general…(looks around)…direction of…hmm…THAT WAY!

 

Crewmember #1: You mean…back to the prison island you just escaped from?

 

Knuckles: I mean…the other way! Set sail!

 

Boris: Uhh…okay…you guys heard the Comrade Captain! Make sail for the other way!

 

[The crew busies themselves around the ship doing pirate-y things. Boris leans against the railing, and Arthas walks up.]

 

Knuckles: (loudly, wandering off) By the way, is there any rum hereabouts?

 

Arthas: Is it just me, or is Knuckles crazier than usual?

 

Boris: Of course a pansy like you would say that Comrade Captain is crazy.

 

Arthas: Oh, ha-ha. But seriously…just look at him.

 

[Boris looks towards Knuckles, staggering on the deck, twirling his moustache, patting his hat, whining for rum, and in general, looking like he's a few fries short of a Happy Meal, if you know what I mean.]

 

Boris: Your point has been made.

 

[The Black Pearl sails off dramatically into a scene change. The camera cuts to show Port Royale, then swiftly cuts to the interior of the headquarters of the East India Trading Company. Some random hench-person is painting a picture of the world on the wall. Considering this is like, the 1700's, the guy manages to include such landmarks as Los Angeles, Seattle, Disney World, etc. A guard marches Sonic, still in cuffs, into the office.]

 

Guard Numero Uno: Lord Shadow, the prisoner is here, as requested!

 

Shadow: (motions towards the cuffs) Those won't be necessary.

 

[The cuffs fall of Sonic. A moment of silence passes.]

 

Sonic: Were you aiming for a “Star Wars” reference…or…what?

 

Shadow: We'll just say that was my intention.

 

Sonic: Oh good…I was afraid I was being dragged in here for some kinky British bondage sex.

 

Shadow: Amusing as always. In any case, Mr. Hedgehog, the British East India Trading Company is in need if your services. We need you to act as an intermediary in a business transaction with our mutual acquaintance, Captain Echidna.

 

Sonic: Who in the what?

 

Shadow: Apologies. That was far too many big words for you to understand. My boss, Jabba the Hutt, wants you to do a job for me. It involves Captain Echidna.

 

Sonic: Ohh. Wait…how do you even know him?

 

Shadow: We've met before…and the encounter left its mark on the both of us…

 

Sonic: What mark did he leave on you?

 

Shadow: I've repressed those memories. But if you really want to know, I suggest you talk with my psychiatrist.

 

Sonic: Gross.

 

Shadow: In any case, I want you to find him and recover something he has in his possession.

 

Sonic: And how you expect me to do that?

 

[Shadow walks over to a small chest and opens it. He pulls out some papers.]

 

Shadow: Letters of Marque.

 

Sonic: Letters of Mark?

 

Shadow: No, of Marque. There's a “q” in there somewhere. In effect, Knuckles will receive a full pardon for all his past…misdeeds, and he will become a free privateer under the service of the English crown.

 

Sonic: That was a lot of plot exposition…

 

Shadow: Thank you.

 

Sonic: But…I doubt Knuckles will think that “free” is the same as “working for the British”.

 

Shadow: Come on! He'll be doing the same stuff! He just has to call himself a “privateer” instead of a “pirate”.

 

Sonic: Yeah, he's really not going to like that.

 

Shadow: It doesn't matter. Knuckles the Echidna is a dying breed. Pirates are facing extinction. He must find his place in this new world…and so must you, Mr. Hedgehog. You and your fiancée will be executed if you don't accomplish this mission.

 

Sonic: So…you want me to turn over Knuckles and the Black Pearl?

 

Shadow: Oh, so just because my fur is black you think you can make racist jokes?

 

Sonic: Dude, the Black Pearl is his ship. You know, the property you want.

 

Shadow: A ship? Oh no…we're after something far more valuable. A compass.

 

Sonic: Okay, now I'm lost.

 

Shadow: Let me try to make this clear to one of such obviously inferior brain power: Bring me the fucking compass, or I will personally execute both you and your exceptionally busty bride. Capiche?

 

Sonic: So you noticed?

 

Shadow: How could I not? She looks like she's smuggling volleyballs in there…