Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ Drunks on a Ship ( Chapter 2 )

Chapter Two: Drunks on a Ship

 

[The camera cuts to captain's quarters on the Black Pearl. Knuckles is attempting to map a course which is proving difficult inasmuch as that his compass doesn't seem to work, and he is apparently so far beyond drunk that it isn't even funny anymore, but we're going to milk it for comedy anyways.]

 

Knuckles: Ssho…if we go…that way for…shhome…hmmm.

 

[Knuckles grabs a bottle on the desk next to the map, and takes a sip. He glances into the bottle.]

 

Knuckles: Huh. I'm out of rum again. Letshh go get another! Hic!

 

[With great effort, Knuckles lifts himself out of his chair and boldly steps forward. Right onto another empty bottle of rum. The camera pans out, and we see that the room is littered with empty rum bottles. Knuckles staggers out of the captain's quarters and treks down some stairs and past the crews quarters.]

 

Knuckles: Shhleeping like…like….baaaaabies! Chillun's!

 

[Knuckles finally reaches what will now be called The Rum Room. Knuckles grabs a bottle off a rack {Author's Note: No, not Rouge's. Calm down} and uncorks it. Sand pours out.]

 

Voice: You're out of time, Knuckles.

 

Knuckles: And out of rum, thankssh you veeery much…

 

Voice: You know, if you sobered up this conversation would be a lot easier.

 

Knuckles: Shober?

 

[A wall of water slams into Knuckles' face.]

 

Knuckles: The hell was that for? And…who the hell's in my ship?

 

[Knuckles wanders into the corner of the room. He sees a very wet individual, covered in…clams and seaweed and all sorts of underwater knick-knacks.]

 

Knuckles: Forty-Seven?

 

[47 turns. His face is severely messed up. There's like, a starfish humping his face or something.]

 

47: Knuckles…

 

Knuckles: I'm going to assume this isn't a dream…

 

47: Thanks. You have no idea how long it takes normally to get people to accept that and move on with the whole point of my being here.

 

Knuckles: Which is?

 

47: Not yet. Small talk first…I see you got the Black Pearl back.

 

Knuckles: Oh yes. Yes I did. With some assistance from your son.

 

47: Sonic?

 

Knuckles: Okay, so he is your son. Now, can I ask…how on earth does that even work?

 

47: It's best if you don't ask.

 

Knuckles: Kaaay…so, what brings you here?

 

47: He sent me.

 

Knuckles: Sauron?

 

47: No…Da-

 

Knuckles: Darth Vader?

 

47: No, you tard. Big the Cat.

 

Knuckles: Oh. So, I see he added you to his crew.

 

47: I joined. They promised benefits. Pay my way through college. See new places. Be All I Could Be and that sorta thing.

 

Knuckles: Well, that's exciting and all, but I really need to get back to my crew…ta-ta!

 

[47 jumps up and blocks Knuckles from leaving.]

 

47: You made a deal with him too. He brought this ship up from the depths of the ocean. He forged your tax returns. He erased the world's memory of those jewel hunting stages in the Sonic Adventure games. You owe him your soul.

 

Knuckles: Would he be interested in taking some…(Knuckles looks around the room)…rum instead?

 

47: I warn you…if you mess with Big…he'll release the beast.

 

Knuckles: Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

 

47: Oh, grow up.

 

Knuckles: Fine, ruin my fun. When's Big going to release…the beast?

 

47: Oh Knuckles, you fool. Time's already up.

 

[47 places his hand on Knuckles' right hand. The camera focuses on Knuckles' hand. A black spot appears in the center of his palm. Knuckles looks up, but 47 has already vanished.]

 

47's voice: He's coming Knuckles…

 

[Knuckles gulps and then begins a mad dash to the top deck of the ship, screaming the whole way.]

 

Knuckles: GET UP! UP! WAKE UP! MAN THE STATIONS! LOWER THE SAILS! RAISE THE ANCHOR! JIGGLE THE SQUIBS! GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT SHIP MOVING!

 

[Pirates scurry around the ship frantically, heaving and hoisting and whatever else.]

 

Knuckles: Faster! Move as if the devil himself was after you!

 

Crewmember #5: Dubya is in this movie?

 

Knuckles: Now is not the time for political commentary! MOVE!

 

Boris: Ahh…Comrade Captain…where do you want to go?

 

Knuckles: Land. Land would be very nice.

 

Boris: Well…which port?

 

Knuckles: Notice that I did not say “port”, I said “land” and I meant motherfucking “land”. NOW MOVE IT!

 

[As the Black Pearl shudders forward, the undead monkey from the first film shows up again. He flings around the rigging and then grabs Knuckles' hat.]

 

Knuckles: Bitch, that's mine!

 

[The monkey chatters than tosses the hat overboard.]

 

Arthas: HAT OVERBOARD! TOSS THE ANCHOR! WE HAVE TO SAVE THAT HAT!

 

Knuckles: Forget the hat! We're not stopping!

 

[All activity on the ship stops. Everybody turns to stare at Knuckles.]

 

Boris: But…comrade…that's your special hat…

 

Knuckles: KEEP MOVING!

 

[The stunned crew returns to its duties, and the ship heads off. The hat bobs off in the water, where it bumps into Wilson, going the other way. The scene cuts to a small fishing vessel. Two seamen {Author's Note: Stop giggling} pull Knuckles' hat onboard their boat. One of them tries it on.]

 

Seaman #1: Hola! Yo tengo un gato en mis pantalones!

 

Seaman #2: La misma cosa que mi madre!

 

[As the seamen continue to blather, the camera pans out and something moves beneath the water's surface. A solitary ominous drumbeat echoes across the water. The seamen continue to babble like idiots.]

 

Seaman #1: Mais, je pas mange de la peinture ajourdui!

 

Seamen #2: Ahh, questquece ton probleme? Tus dorme avec les poisson del merde!

 

[A loud thumping noise echoes under the ship. The two seamen {Author's Note: Seriously, stop giggling} freeze. The first throws the hat to the second. The camera pans out, and the whole ship is shown, right before it implodes on itself and sinks underwater faster than an Oldsmobile driven by Senator Ted Kennedy. The scene cuts to the inside of the jail on Port Royale. Sonic and the G-Man run down the steps. Sonic bolts over to Rouge's cell.]

 

Rouge: What's going on?

 

Sonic: Lord Shadow promised to free us both if I could find Knuckles, and bring back his compass.

 

Rouge: What does he want with Knuckles' compass?

 

Sonic: I have no idea…but with Knuckles' help I'm sure I can get you out.

 

G-Man: Jus-s-st because you would s-s-sacrifice yours-s-self to help him does not mean he would (swallow) do the s-s-same.

 

Sonic: It's the only chance we have!

 

Rouge: But will you come back?

 

Sonic: Of course I will. And when I do, I'll marry you.

 

Rouge: You mean, for real this time?

 

Sonic: Yes, if you'll still have me…

 

Rouge: If it weren't for these bars (Rouge snakes her hands seductively down her body), I'd have you right now…right in my cu-

 

G-Man: COUGH! COUGH! HACK! DON'T NEED TO HEAR THIS-S-S! COUGH!

 

Rouge: I'll wait for you, big boy…

 

Sonic: Oh God…that's a thought. Well, excuse me, but I do believe that I need to go home and masturbate furiously for a few minutes.

 

[Sonic performs a very awkward run up the stairs. The “I've-got-a-boner-and-I-don't-want-people-to-notice” run. The scene (thankfully) cuts straight to Tortuga (Author's Note: You remember? The pirate port? From the first movie? No? Still thinking about Rouge? Pervs) and Sonic is busy interviewing everybody on the whole damn island.]

 

Sam Fisher: Knuckles the Echidna? I `eard he was dead.

 

[Cut.]

 

Mario: He's-a in-a Singapore! Even though the-a Singapore doesn't exist-a yet. He's-a like that, the Knuckles the-a Echidna.

 

[Cut.]

 

Lara Croft: Knuckles, huh? I got a message for you to give him when you see him.

 

[She slaps Sonic across the face. Cut.]

 

Samus: Knuckles?! I got a message for the little ass-wipe!

 

[She slaps Sonic across the face. Sonic grimaces as blood seeps from the corner of his mouth. Cut.]

 

Peach: KNUCKLES? If you find the bastard I want you to-

 

Sonic: I know, slap him across the face. I get it.

 

Peach: I don't think you do!

 

[Peach whips out her parasol and smacks Sonic across the face with it. Sonic drops to the ground, spitting out teeth. Cut.]

 

Bubba: Well, I'm just a shrimper. Make my life shrimpin'. You know, you can make a lot of good stuff with shrimp. There's raw shrimp, shrimp sandwiches, shrimp salad, boiled shrimp, broil-

 

Sonic: Yeah, yeah, that's fantastic. Have you seen Knuckles the Echidna?

 

Bubba: I can't say I've seen him, but there's an island south of here where a large black ship can be found. I can take you there. We can exchange shrimp recipes.

 

[The scene cuts and Sonic is in a boat with Bubba, heading to an island with the Black Pearl, not at all suspiciously sitting smack dab at the edge.]

 

Bubba: …and shrimp casserole, and shrimp sauté, and tossed shrimp, and…

 

[Bubba babbles on, and from the look on Sonic's face, he's apparently losing his grip on sanity.]

 

Bubba: …cakes, and shrim-

 

Sonic: NOBODY CARES ABOUT FUCKING SHRIMP! JESUS, GIVE IT A REST! ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN SHRIMP! I'm swimming from here.

 

[Sonic jumps overboard, and starts swimming to shore. The camera makes a dramatic aerial shot of Sonic wading ashore next to the beached Black Pearl. He walks up to it.]

 

Sonic: Hello? Knuckles? Boris? Gordon? Anybody?

 

[Shrugging, Sonic wanders into the Fangorn Forest. Wait…dammit, wrong movie again. Omochao flutters by.]

 

Omochao: Ow!

 

Sonic: Oh, a familiar face!

 

Omochao: Sonic…please…you gotta help me…I'm in pain!

 

Sonic: If Gordon's parrot is here…then he and the rest of the crew should be here too…

 

Omochao: I'm not a parrot…

 

[Sonic wanders deeper into the jungle.]

 

Omochao: Yeah, fine, just leave me here to die!

 

[Sonic finds a flask with a hammer and sickle emblazoned on it.]

 

Sonic: Boris'…

 

[A string is attached to the flask, and Sonic, having failed “Not Being a Dumbass 101”, decides to follow the string. Eventually, it leads him to a small clearing. Sonic is puzzled. The audience is puzzled. And then HOLY FUCK IT JUST CAME OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TREE! Sonic leaps back, pissing himself in fear, and falls right into one of those snares that ends up with you hanging upside down out of a tree. The natives close in on the dangling Sonic.]

 

Sonic: Christ! What the hell was that for? Dude, I think I…yeah, I wet myself. Assholes!

 

[Sonic draws his sword and waves menacingly at the natives.]

 

Sonic: Have at ye, scum! I dare you to test the strength of my blade!

 

[Sonic twitches spastically and the natives look at him for a few seconds. One leans over to another, who pulls out a blowgun and shoots Sonic in the neck. The hedgehog slumps into unconsciousness.]