D. Gray-man Fan Fiction ❯ Circus of Night ❯ The Lotus Eater ( Chapter 6 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: The lovely cute ukeness belongs to someone other then me…though…I wouldn't mind getting a Kanda for myself…he looks oh-so-useful!

Warning: Slight violence, not much though

Note from Israfel: Look! It's a new chapter and oh so fast! I am quite happy about how this chapter came out though I didn't know how to start it, but it seems to have come out nicely…

CircUs of NIghT

~The Lotus Eater~

Survival is for the strongest, the one's who are not weak, who can continue on no matter what they face.

Survival means sacrifices…

Survival is to move on, to give up some of the most important things one owns, it can mean losing everything though…

…even ones mind…

He is standing on the street corner, asking those who pass by for money, for a coin, for something, anything! He hasn't ate in days… It's nothing new though, because he has gone without food for almost a week once, he knows that if he gets desperate enough he can try and steal something…

Another woman passes by, shielding her own children from the sight of him. To her, he is nothing more then trash, something that deserves to wither and die. He is left on the street corner once more, deciding to turn and ask another passer by for money…

He is ignored again and the pain in his stomach reminds him that he can't continue on like this forever. Another person comes and goes, hurrying off at a faster pace as a blast of cold air hits them…

He calls after them, pleading with them…

The seasons change and he finds himself still existing, still living…

…but his mind is starting to turn sour, he is starting to despise everyone.

They all say something about his arm, his hand.

He pretends he doesn't care, pretends that how his arm looks doesn't bother him. It does though, because when he is alone, away from everyone, from the people on the streets just like him, he cries, and wonders if his parents will take him back if he just removes his arm…

More time has passed.

So much time that he no longer knows how old he is, no longer remembers what his parents looked like. All he knows is how to take for himself, how to pretend to be civil and caring.

He has lost the part of him that cared about others.

Others no longer matter to him. What matters is food and shelter, the day in and day out things that make up his life, that enable him to have a place to sleep with out worry, that enable him to eat enough to sustain his weight.

He has lost most of his humanity, but that doesn't bother him, that doesn't matter because he has not become so low as to sell himself…

…he never wants to become the child that stands on the corner and asks the man if he could use him…in any way he wants…

He has grown, has become old enough to be hired somewhere.

A Circus…a place that he internally despises but pretends otherwise.

He brings people their meals, does simple but often tedious jobs. He is working, trying to remember why it is that he still cares about existing. He knows that he needs to eat, needs a place to sleep at night, but he still doesn't understand why he cares…

He has stopped caring about what others think of his arm, though it still hurts when comments are made…it will always hurt. He has given up on trying to hide his hand constantly, he is ashamed of it but at the same time he is starting to derive a sick sense of satisfaction out of the looks he receives…

It is here that the dog comes up to him…

…and licks that hand, like it is normal, like there is nothing strange about it.

It is also here that he meets Mana…the man that gives him his humanity back.

He is older once more and no longer surprised by his existence.

He has found someone to care about, someone to care about him.

He has found a home, be it a moving one, but a home it is… A place that he likes, a place that means he does not have to worry about what will happen during the night. He is thankful for that man, thankful for being cared about…

…almost thankful for his arm…

He likes himself even, happy with his life, with the simple tricks he has been taught. He is even beginning to like the smiles that his performances bring.

He is told that he is loved, and cannot be happier, cannot want nothing more in life…

Though he feels like it might not last…

Death…

He hates…

Hates how he was given humanity, hates how he had started to care. He wishes that he had never stayed with that man, wishes that he had continued to live on the streets.

He knows that he would have still gone with Mana even if he knew what would happen.

What it would feel like to grieve…

…and then that man shows up, the one that tells him he can bring Mana back.

And as a child he tries, as a child he hopes, he wishes for his only loved one to come back, wishes for his life to become happy again.

…and then he learns of even more pain…

A man has come, a man that wears black, that smokes cigarettes, that spends the night drinking, that comes home every night with a new woman. The man has asked him if he wants to survive, if he wants to learn how to use his arm.

…he is taught a new meaning to the word Innocence…

…and he tries to regain his humanity, tries to become happy again, because he hates how he was when he no longer cared, when he only looked out for himself.

He cannot tell this man though, cannot tell him how he is hoping, praying to be loved again.

He hates that hope though, because he has promised himself that he will never care about anyone again, not as much as he cared, still cares, about Mana.

He is older…

Old enough to have developed a civil personality, to have developed who he really is…until the next death he has to face.

He has been sent to the Dark Order, a place that he has been aspiring to get to, been training for, a place that will be where he tries to redeem himself.

Redemption…

The one thing he has been aiming for, will be aiming for, for the rest of his life. He wants to save those who have become lost, and he wants to show Mana how sorry he is…

How much his childish mistake pains him.

He is outside of the place he has strived to get to.

And they think he is an Akuma…

The thought pains him as he has to verbally admit that he is cursed, that there is something different about him. It is his curse though that sends the place into a panic…

…a panic that leads to him being attacked…

Attacked by that man…

…the one that makes his chest hurt now, that makes his head spin…

…that he wishes would come and save him…

…that he does not want to forget…ever…

Even though he believes his affection, the love he has sworn to himself he will never feel again, will never be returned. He is crying again and he isn't even fully awake…

Allen can feel his body being moved. He can feel his arms being lifted, can feel something being wrapped around them, binding him tightly. His head is aching and his body is sore.

His throat still burns and his face is wet.

He knows he is crying again…still.

The boy feels something being wrapped around him, can smell the scent of…of…

A Lotus…

And it makes his eyes snap open, makes him shout in pain as he is suddenly blinded by the light.

He feels dizzy, disoriented, and sick, sick with the knowledge that he is going to lose himself and not even know it. Allen looks about the room, about the blurry objects and tries to find something familiar.

He sees the twins again, the sun and the moon. They are wrapping a light colored cloth around his body, wrapping something like his old yukata on him, like the one that was covered in blood. The boy feels nausea run through him again and tries to move, to roll over onto his stomach.

The female twin grabs hold of him and lifts him, pulling him up slightly. She is speaking to him, softly, in that voice he wishes he could hear for the rest of his life… Her words are falling on deaf ears though, he can't seem to hear at the moment and he only stares at the girl.

The boy says something, drawing Allen's attention. He wants to know what they are saying, wants to understand what they are doing, why they are dressing him in another yukata. Isn't he supposed to forget everything…?

Allen is suddenly hit with a wave of sensations, with proper vision, proper hearing, proper scent and he feels dizzy again.

That's right I fainted…

He coughs, gages on the air filling his lungs when he realizes that the scent of the Lotus is strong and the room he is in is filled with them.

So many flowers…

“Feeling a little better?” The female twin asks, her voice sending wave after wave through Allen's body, calming his nerves like morphine. The exorcist gives a small nod of his head, taking a look at what has been wrapped around his arms…

It looks like the type of wrap that Kanda covered his chest with…

Kanda…

Allen shakes his head, trying not to think about the other, to think about what he is going to lose… He wants to… The blond boy lifts his arms as his sister starts to wrap the yukata around him. It's now that Allen realizes that it has no top, or sleeves that is.

“What…are you doing…?” His voice cracks as the sash is wrapped around him, tightly, holding the top of the robe up.

“Dressing you, the Circus Master wants you in something that will show your shoulders…” The boy is the one to respond, the girl is tying a string around the sash; it looks more like an obi to Allen now.

Within moments they are done and Allen is left in a sleeveless white kimono, or yukata, he could never tell the difference between them. The twins stand and offer him a hand, pulling him to his feet.

It is now that he realizes the room they are in has a pond, one that is filled with the lotuses, filled with a strange blue fluid, one that seems to glow when the twins touch it. He is led over to the pond, down the steps and into the blue liquid.

Lavi is sitting in the library again…

…and again it is getting late…

He is beginning to wonder where Kanda is, why he hasn't shown up back at the Order in…months…yeah, it's been months… He keeps forgetting, losing track of time, of how long Allen has been gone, how long ago he was supposed to be saved.

The redhead rubs his eyes, his head aching again. He's beginning to hate the silence, hate being left alone, hate being given time to think. He stands up, ignoring the look Bookman is giving him and leaves the library. Lavi feels disgusted with himself, with how he is acting, with not being able to help.

He isn't sure of what to do, of where to go…

…and he finds himself in front of Komui's office…

Linalee is gone for the time being, away on an assignment, one that he wishes he could be on; he doesn't want to be there. His head is aching still and it's starting to worry him, to make him wonder if there's something wrong with him. Lavi pushes the door open and steps into Komui's office. The Asian man does not look up from his desk, from the paperwork he is doing, completing.

“My head hurts…” Lavi feels flustered, hating how he sounds like a child. He doesn't want to seem like a kid, not right now, not in front of this man.

“The medical department has aspirins, not me…” Komui looks up giving the redhead a weak smile. Lavi ignores the comment and steps into the office, shutting the door behind him.

“Aspirins don't help…” The Asian man stares at him a moment before setting his pen down.

“You think it's more then a headache?” For a moment no one talks, and Lavi is back to feeling helpless, only with words this time. He knows he needs to explain to someone why his head is always hurting but he doesn't know who. He's half afraid that if he confides in someone then they will tell Bookman…

“I won't tell…” The sentence is soft, uttered lightly incase someone might be listening.

Lavi moves over to sit on the couch, falling into the seat in an undignified manner. He looks at Komui, that feeling in the back of his mind stirring up again, the one that he knows is an emotion he is pretending not to have. He looks away, up at the ceiling, at the high walls, at the bookcases, at anything and everything so that he doesn't have to look at the other.

When the room has been silent for what feels like forever the young man gives in and closes his eyes.

“I…care about him…about Allen…”

“I know that,” Komui offers up a small smile that the other does not take notice of.

“I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to actually care about anyone. I'm to fake emotions…” The redhead opens his eyes and looks at the Asian man, and feels something strange happen inside of him. “I can't be a bookman if I care…”

Komui leans forward in his desk, his eyes glinting lightly, like whenever he has created some invention, whenever he has realized something. “Pretend not to care…”

The phone next to him rings startling both males. Lavi feels something constrict in his chest as the other answers.

“Oh, hello, I haven't heard from you in a long time…”

Allen is staring at the flowers, at the liquid he is standing in. The twins are next to him, glowing, ethereal, like the sun and the moon they embody. He isn't sure what to do, but that isn't what's making him nervous…

…it's that he has been told he has to chose the flower he is to eat…

…and every flower affects ones mind differently.

“Chose already.” The Circus Masters voice is sharp, demanding and it makes Allen cringe, physically. He is past the point of caring about his actions, past the point of caring about anyone other then himself, he just wants to survive…

He closes his eyes before reaching over and plucking a Lotus out of the liquid.

Allen can hear his breath, can feel his heart hammering against his rib cage, and all he can do is think about what he's about to lose. The female twin takes hold of his arm as the boy takes the flower. He is lead out of the pond and towards the Circus Master.

He can feel his fear lapping at his heart, crushing his mind even more. He wants to cry, to curl up and hide in the corner of the room, to run away. He can't though, and the hand that fists his hair, that shoves him to the ground tells him so.

Allen shouts as he feels some of his hair being torn out. His eyes are starting to tear up and the empty feeling he has been in is vanishing, slipping out of his grasp only to be replaced with the knowledge of what is going to happen.

“Shut up and sit still!” The woman's voice is like ice, pouring into his veins, cementing him to the spot she has dropped him on. He glances around the room, at the blond boy as he pulls things out of a cabinet, at the girl as she picks vials out of another, at the woman who has the Lotus now.

Allen drops his eyes back to the ground, to his lap as he moves to sit more comfortably. A white cloth is laid before him by the girl with hair like his own. She does not look at him. She sets different vials up, in a line, five of them, all different in appearance, all deadly in there own right, all terrifying in sight to Allen.

The girl stands and moves off to the side.

Her brother is before Allen now, setting a stone bowl down, with a stone inside it for mixing contents up. He places a cup of boiling water down beside the other; he does not look up at him.

The boy stands and moves off to the side, to stand next to his sister.

The Circus Master flicks the bright lights off as she moves towards Allen. The room is thrown into darkness for a moment and all he can see is nothing…nothing except the glow of the water that the Lotuses are in.

She moves over and kneels before him, the twins taking a seat behind her on either side, their heads bowed. Allen can feel something inside him crying out now, begging to be set free. He knows that he'll die if he lets go, if he lets that part of him free.

The woman sets a cup down, one of molded, frosted glass, in the shape of a flower. The look on her face is that of disdain as she picks the vials up, one by one, mixing them in the stone bowl. Allen closes his eyes as the Circus Master starts to pluck the petals off the lotus, putting half inside of the stone bowl.

He is worried, anxious beyond belief.

“Tell me something, Flower…” The woman's voice causes Allen to snap his eyes open, to glance at her face. “Why did you come here? Don't lie, I will look into your mind if you do.” Her voice is deadly, cold and solid. There is nothing about it that is inviting and it makes Allen wonder why he thought Kanda's voice had always been so…so…cruel…

“I was ordered to…” He closes his eyes, an image of Komui floating to the fore front of his mind. He can see everyone clearly, everyone he's ever met, ever spoken to back there…back…home…

“Why?” Allen opens his eyes in time to see the woman began to crush the lotus petals in the stone bowl, mixing the boiling water in slowly.

“…to see if there is Innocence here…” The Circus Master gives a small laugh, a hollow aged sounding one. For a moment there is only silence, silence that is only broken by the sounds of the flower being crushed, by the stones scraping against each other. Allen stares at the vial that has not been mixed in with the others, at the strange, swirling liquid inside of it.

“There is no Innocence here, not the kind you seek, and not that of a person… This is a tainted place.” For a moment the boy feels like there is something more to the woman's words, something more to what she has said…for a moment though because he is reminded that she can kill him, can destroy him…

Survive…

…such a small voice, one that belongs to a child, to a kid that has learned all to well the cruelty of mankind.

Allen can't help but feel his old self, the one before Mana, falling, slipping back into place, back into his personality…a part of him is glad to lose his memories.

It means he cannot become what he used to be, he will retain his humanity…

“I live outside of reality, using my own abilities. I am not Noah, I am not an Exorcist or an Akuma, I am none of those and I plan to never interact with them, but the likes of you seem to make that impossible…” The Circus Master looks up, glaring at Allen with a ferocity that would put Kanda to shame. “You exorcists are like cockroaches, every time I exterminate one another shows up, stronger then before…”

He feels a lump growing in his throat and he isn't sure if it is caused by fear, dread, or sheer panic. The woman pours a little more of the boiling water into the stone bowl before pouring it into the glass cup. The liquid, the crushed petals steam and glow, swirling about in an eerie sort of manner.

Allen's right hand is grabbed and the remaining petals are put into it. They are soft to the touch, smooth and silky and for a moment he isn't sure why he is so scared of such a thing. He knows better though, knows that their beauty is their poison…

“Eat…” The word gives no room for argument, for disobedience and before the boy knows what he is doing the petals are in his mouth…

…and they taste so strange, so very, very strange…

The last vial is mixed into the cup, changing the color to something that Allen cannot even explain, to something that is a rainbow, that is white, that is black, that is everything and yet…completely clear…

He is handed the cup and told to drink, and drink he does, letting the liquid slip past his lips, and down is over used throat. He can feel it, can feel the warmth of the drink, can feel it take affect on his mind. He is already fading and he's only had a few mouthfuls of the liquid…

Allen, that's his name, he still knows that…he is fifteen, he is in love with another guy, one he works with… what do I do again…?

The boy swallows and continues to drink more from the glass.

He works with lots of people, named Linalee, Lavi, Komui, Miranda, Krory… He helps others, fighting, fending off… what do I fight again…?

He pauses and looks down at the cup, at how it is just over half full.

He trained with his Master, trained and learned how to use his arm, he was found just after… who was that man again…?

Allen takes another mouthful, his head is beginning to feel light and he wonders if he can finish the glass.

He used to work somewhere, doing odd jobs, that was how he met… Who did I meet?

“Keep going, Flower, you only have a little left.”

He knows that voice, it's supposed to scare him… Why does it make me want to cry?

The boy takes another gulp, trying to finish the drink up as fast as possible.

Who was that person that I cared for…? What was his name…Ka…Kan…?

Allen pulls the glass back from his face. His head is fuzzy and he can't picture things properly anymore. He feels disoriented and can't even recall what he was drinking anymore. The cup is taken from him and he looks up, staring at the people before him.

He feels like he is forgetting something, something important. The boy closes his eyes and tries to picture the face of the man he knows he was thinking about just a second ago. The image is illusive and every time he thinks he has landed on a fact, on a memory that is real, it slips away. He feels like he is trying to catch water with his bare hands.

“Tell me Flower, what is your name?” The Circus Master's voice is sharp, sending a dull pain throughout the boy's head. He feels his chest tighten and something inside of him tells him that he should fear this woman.

“Name…my name…is…” Allen closes his eyes and thinks. His body is starting to lean forward but before he falls over hands grab hold of him.

“It's Allen…I…think…Jamie… Jamie…Allen…I'm not sure…” The boy pulls his eyes open and stares at the room as it moves before him, as it shifts and distorts its self. “May…may I go to sleep?” He cannot shake the feeling that if he sleeps he won't recall what he has forgotten but he also knows that if he does not sleep he will never remember his name again.

“Fine, sleep.” Allen watches through hazy eyes as the woman stands and moves away from him, slipping farther into the dark room they are in.

The hands that are on him are gentle and it makes his head spin. He looks at each side, at the girl and at the boy, a sense of familiarity about both of them. The two give him a weak smile as they began to lie him down on the floor, pushing the vials and items off to the side.

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray dear lord,

My soul you'll keep,

May you watch me through the night,

And wake me with

The morning light…

And he has no memory of who he is praying too

Hmm…I finished…Listening to: Air, Light lights up the Light for Piano, Requiem, Kyrie II all by Yoshihisa Hirano along with a couple others that I have no name for, but they are from FFVII/Advant children… hmmm curious of them just leave an email name and I'll send it to you. I'm quite happy that I got to this chapter done sooner, mainly because I knew what I was typing, so long as I am happy and know what is to go into the chapter I will type, it takes me about five hours to make one. In any case the next chapter is Ownership of the Damned…

Au Revoir,

~Israfel~