D. Gray-man Fan Fiction ❯ Invention Is The Mother Of Neccesity ❯ Out Of The Darkness ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Invention Is The Mother Of Necessity
A Fanfiction By SailorLight22
Chapter 5 - Out Of The Darkness

Okay, here it is, another chapter!

****************************************************
Allen gasped as he tried to catch his breath. He could feel Kanda's rapid heartbeat, so fast and loud that it almost echoed in the darkness. As the flush of the moment faded, he shivered, for the first time noticing the chill of stone against his back.

Feeling his slight tremble, Kanda stepped back, allowing the shorter boy to stand. Still unable to believe what they had just done, he reluctantly let go of Allen, prepared for any possible reaction.

As if sensing his discomfort, Allen turned unseeing eyes upwards. Seeking to reassure both himself and Kanda that there was no reason to fear, he slowly raised his arms to enfold the taller boy. Gently drawing his face down, he pressed his lips to Kanda's.

Sighing in obvious relief, Kanda returned the kiss, his former hunger replaced with a more gentle urge. Breaking away, he spoke quietly as he stroked the other boy's soft hair. "Are you all right, Moyashi? Did I hurt you?"

Allen chuckled wryly. "Hurt is the last thing you did to me, Kanda." Blushing at his own words, he smiled. There were still some things about their.. situation that concerned him, but he knew that Kanda would allow him to explain his fears in his own time.

"Should I be sorry, Moyashi?" Kanda asked, hoping that Allen did not regret what they'd done, the things that they had both felt. The memory of Allen's sweet voice crying out his name warmed him, and he felt an almost comical smile spreading over his face as he felt the younger boy shake his head quickly.

"No! Don't ever be sorry, Kanda. You didn't force me, I wanted it too. That was.. it was wonderful."

Slipping an arm around Kanda's waist, he buried his face into the front of his jacket, smiling. He knew that sooner or later they would have to leave this room, but for right now, he was content to take in the delicious scent of the older boy.

Flushing with momentary embarrassment, he remembered how good it had felt to be held, to be loved by the swordsman. The faint tingle of desire that he felt at the memory was overshadowed by a new feeling, one of affectionate peace.

With a startled gasp, he realized that he no longer felt the awful compulsion to be with the other youth. There was still a small, longing pull towards him, but nothing like the almost painful sensations from before. He pulled quickly away from Kanda, causing him to frown with worry.

"What is it, Moyashi?" He asked, almost fearfully. He wondered if perhaps they should go somewhere else, somewhere more suitable for talking. 'God knows, we still have much that needs to be said.' He mused, pulling the boy in the general direction of the exit.

As Kanda guided him to the door, Allen braced himself for the flare of light that they were sure to see. After being in the darkened room for so long, even the hallway's low lights seemed like a million suns, bringing sudden tears to his eyes.

Brushing a hand across his face, he squinted. Though the were deep underground, it seemed that they had indeed been in the small room for some time. There were no sounds to be heard, and the almost constant tread of booted feet was also absent. Wondering what time it was, Allen glanced around for a clock.

Seeing his questioning expression, Kanda understood. Though it had seemed like forever, he knew that it had most likely been only an hour or so. Pulling his jacket open, he lifted an ornately fashioned silver watch from a hidden pocket. He flipped it open, and was unsurprised to see that it was 1 AM.

At Allen's gentle nudge, he turned the watchface to him, allowing him to see the time as well. Still keeping his voice low, he spoke again. "Do you want to go? You seem to be worried, should we talk?"

Allen lifted his eyes to meet Kanda's troubled gaze. "I think we should." He replied, "Would you like to come to my room with me? It's quiet there." Kanda nodded, and they began the long journey back to the exorcist's quarters.

As they walked, Kanda wondered if the things that he'd said and done had caused the white haired boy's sudden worry.'Was it too much, too soon?' He thought, hoping that once they were in private again, the smaller boy would feel more relaxed. Feeling something brush his hand, he looked down to see Allen blushing slightly. He smiled at the boy's innocent face, and slipped his hand into the other boy's, squeezing lightly.

Allen smiled at the slight touch, glad that for now, there would be no more awkwardness between them. He knew that Kanda was very subdued in his emotions, but even this small display of affection meant a great deal to him. 'He wasn't so subdued earlier..' The sudden thought occurred to him, and he blushed harder, earning an amused chuckle from his companion.

As they drew near Allen's quarters, neither one noticed a grinning figure hidden in the deep shadows that enveloped one corner.

Kanda slowed, his senses alert, but seeing nothing, he shrugged at Allen's questioning glance. "It's nothing, I just had a chill." Allen nodded, and reached for the door handle. Just as his hand gripped the cool metal, a thunderous screech erupted, seemingly from nowhere, causing the two exorcists to fall back against the slightly-open door in heartstopping shock.

Chaos ensued as Allen scrambled to move in the direction least inhabited by Kanda, who was instantly swearing and brandishing Mugen in all directions. Narrowly escaping decapitation or serious maiming, Allen clutched the swordsman to his chest, pinning his sword arm to prevent further danger.

Kanda continued swearing, his eyes blazing with murderous fury as familiar laughter sounded. "Lavi, you empty-headed imbecile! What the fuck are you doing? Where are you?!" He struggled against Allen's tight embrace, intent on finding the still snickering idiot in question.

Allen, while normally calm in the face of Lavi's antics, was also wondering what the redhaired exorcist was doing there at one in the morning. Seeing that Kanda was fixated on his unseen opponent, he tried speaking to him in a reasonable tone, attempting to calm him.

"Kanda, let's go inside, please?" He murmured hopefully, pulling the taller boy gently towards the room. Feeling his resistance, he continued. "We'll wake everyone up, please, Yuu?"

When Allen spoke his name, Kanda relaxed slightly, allowing himself to be guided inside.

Seeing that Allen had the angry Kanda well in hand, Lavi emerged from his hiding place, his attention still focused on the blazing Mugen. He warily followed the two into Allen's room, closing the door quietly behind him. He then turned, his face almost glowing with the force of his tremendous grin.

"I saw you, Yuu-chan!" He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "You were holding hands and everything! Did you tell him? Are you two together now?" He saw Kanda's eyes narrow dangerously. Pressing on, he backed farther out of reach as he continued his excited questioning, this time looking at Allen.

"Did he? What did he say? Where were you two for so long? Oh my God! You didn't do something naughty, did you? Who started it, you or him?"

Allen's face turned instantly red as he choked. "Did... did you tell anyone else about this? Please say you didn't, Lavi." Seeing the white haired boy's obvious distress, Kanda growled. "Lavi, so help me, if you say one more thing..." He trailed off, looking for a suitable threat, "I swear, I'll... I'll tell Komui you were hiding with Linali."

A look of pure horror crossed the Bookman's face as he pictured the madman's reaction to that news. "You.. You wouldn't, would you?" Raising his hands, he pleaded. "Please, Yuu-chan, anything but that, I won't say anything bad, I swear!"

Allen felt a little sympathy for him. Everyone knew about the elder Li's obsession with his sister, and he knew from sad experience that Komui was capable of extracting terrible vengeance upon anyone that he saw as 'stealing his Linali'.

Sighing in slight relief, Kanda accepted that the idiot was well controlled for now. Turning to look at Allen, he raised an eyebrow, indicating that he would make him leave if Allen wished it. Allen smiled weakly, but shook his head.

Noticing the silent exchange, still more outrageous curiosity filled Lavi's thoughts. Wary of rousing Kanda's anger again, he instead looked to Allen for answers. "So.. Are you two all right now? I mean, are you.." His voice trailed off as he noticed the look on Allen's face. 'Whoa, something is definitely not right' he realized.

Kanda also saw the other boy's expression, and felt a tendril of dread cross his heart. 'So, he truly does regret..?' He wondered, forgetting that the other exorcist was watching them with open interest. Coming to a swift decision, he turned sharply towards Lavi, raising Mugen as he did so.

"Get out." He commanded, pointing the burning sword at the door. Lavi frowned in uncharacteristic seriousness, and merely nodded. There would be plenty of time to hear the details later, he knew. As he opened the door, he spoke one last time, his voice strangely low.

"Don't you see that he's afraid of you, Yuu-chan?"

Kanda's eyes widened as he shot a glance down at his companion. Hearing Lavi's voice again, he glared back at him as he began to close the door.

"Mugen or no Mugen, don't let me find out that you messed this up, or I'll kick your ass, Yuu." With that said, he left, firmly closing the door behind him.

Releasing a breath that he hadn't known he was holding, Kanda looked again at the boy he loved. 'Was that idiot right?' he wondered, 'Is he afraid of me, even though..?'

Allen cleared his throat loudly, shattering the increasingly tense silence. He knew that there were things he needed to say, but he didn't want to say them. Not now, with the memory of what they had done so fresh between them. He could still clearly see the marks of his passion on the pale skin of Kanda's throat, still feel the far-decreased sensation of longing.

"Kan - Yuu.." He began, his voice faltering as he tried to speak, "I.. I don't..", Closing his eyes, he forced himself to go on, to do what must be done. "I don't think we should.. be together."

Seeing the color slowly drain from the swordsman's face, he rushed to explain. "It's not what you.. what we did! It's what you said, after."

Kanda's face clouded as he remembered, recalling the sound of his name on Allen's lips as he'd cried out in ecstasy, and the feelings that had overtaken him, and he'd said..

"I love you, Allen Walker.."

Averting his face, he closed his eyes as he realized the point that Allen wanted so badly to avoid making.

"I know that you don't think you feel the same way, Moyashi." He said, his voice tightly controlled, "But didn't it mean anything to you? Anything at all?"

Allen felt tears welling up as he tried to control his own voice. "It isn't like that! It did.. It does mean something! But later, it might not!" He could see that Kanda wasn't going to accept this easily, and he hated the betrayed look in those dark eyes at his last words.

"It just wouldn't be right, Kanda." He finished softly, forcing himself to meet the taller boy's heated gaze. "After all, there could be a way to undo what's been done, and I might not have.. these feelings for you when it's over."

Suddenly, Kanda felt his control snap. "And what would you have me do, Allen?" He yelled, only slightly lowering his angry voice when he saw Allen jump. "Do you expect my feelings to just disappear? Do you really think of me like that?" Disgusted, he strode to the door, his eyes burning as he gripped the handle tightly.

"I told you then, and I'll tell you again, I won't stop. Not ever." He opened the door, sparing one last glance at the object of his new suffering. "I am insulted that you would expect me to just forget, Moyashi. I meant what I said, before I knew about the effects of Komui's idiotic invention. I love you, and I will never forget."

For a long time after he'd gone, Allen stood rooted to the floor, staring in stunned disbelief as his tears ran unnoticed. That last glance, the face of Kanda Yuu..

The strongest person he knew, unfaltering and unwavering, the image that he'd held for so long of the incomparable warrior was forever gone.

In that last second, Allen Walker had seen the death of that persona, the mythical Swordsman who could never be broken.

Kanda Yuu had been crying.

*****************************************************

As silence once again descended on the pre-dawn corridor, a thin figure stood in equally stunned confusion. She normally had trouble relaxing after the demanding work that she still found so new, so she often walked the corridors at night in her efforts to find rest.

But this night was like no other. She'd turned down this passage many times, and had always felt the peaceful aura of the room's occupant as he slept. Tonight, however, there had been other sounds, a different atmosphere. There had been a scream, and her fragile nerves had almost made her faint. Shaking at the dreadful sound, she'd recognized the voices of two people, and then a strangely panicked third.

After the three had entered the room and closed the door, she'd still been too unsteady to flee, and had witnessed the exit of the often silly hammer wielding exorcist. Unable to avoid eavesdropping, she'd stood silently as he uttered his threatening words, and left.

Sighing with mixed relief, she had resumed her walk down the corridor, only to hear a heated discussion still happening behind the closed door. As she slowly began to make sense of the meaning behind the loud voices, her dark eyes widened in disbelief.

The kind, gentle Allen-kun, and the perpetually angry Kanda? Her pale cheeks burned as she imagined what the samurai must mean by "Didn't it mean anything?". She'd still been standing just out of sight as he had jerked open the door, frightening her again as he'd stormed off without noticing her.

The look on his normally composed face had been one of pained fury, but that had not been what shocked her. It was the tears that had been running down his cheeks as he'd passed her by. She had yet to really get acquainted with the tall boy, but from what she'd gathered, he was a very cold and methodical person, the last person she would have expected to see in such a state.

Wondering if she should try talking to Allen-kun, she shook her head. If the swordsman had been so upset, then the gentler boy was probably not in the mood for talking. She sighed, and returned to her room.

Perhaps it would be better to ask one of the other exorcists, one that knew the two of them, before she butted in. Removing her uniform, she climbed into bed. Though she still felt sympathy for the troubled couple, her experiences with the Black Order had taught her that things were seldom as they appeared, and she wondered again at the implications of what she'd seen and heard.

Closing her eyes, she relaxed. In the morning, she would seek out Linali. The pretty girl would undoubtedly know more about the situation than she could gather from snippets of overheard conversation Sighing, she drifted off, her mind still racing with thoughts of the unlikely pair..

*********************************************************** *

Shaking with barely-contained emotions, Kanda entered his room, slamming the door behind him. When the loudness of the impact failed to satisfy him, he cursed and struck the wall beside him with equal force.

'I should have known better.' He thought, pacing. The memory of Allen's words released a flood of bitterness. "If he thinks to spare me pain, then he truly is a fool." He growled.

Even with the other boy's rejection still fresh in his mind, thoughts of him continued to plague Kanda. The way he'd felt, the sound of his voice in the darkness as he had clung to him so tightly..

Closing his eyes, Kanda ran his hands wearily over his face, for the first time noticing the wetness there. Disbelief flared, but soon subsided. "Damn him," He growled, "Damn him and his weak conscience. And damn that meddling fool Komui as well!"

Removing his coat and pants, he shivered as the chill air struck his wiry frame. Gathering his bathing supplies, he stalked into the bathroom, shedding his undergarments as he went. Stepping into the shower's warm spray, he allowed himself to relax slightly.

Was Allen truly so eager for loneliness? To refuse an offer of understanding, of love, just because he was afraid that he couldn't return the feeling? Kanda was no great scholar in matters of the heart, but even he understood that sometimes love involved risks!

The more Kanda thought about it, the less sense it made. Surely Allen wouldn't deny that he had felt something, some connection between them, or he never would have given in so easily. Kanda knew that despite what he said, Allen Walker was no weakling.

As the water ran over his tense muscles, he felt a moment of sadness that after this, there would be nothing left of what they had done. Forcing the thought away, he stepped out of the shower, slinging a towel carelessly about his hips. Donning his sleepwear, he dried his hair, pulling a comb roughly through its length, ignoring the painful snags.

Sighing in frustration, he turned off the lights and began his nightly relaxation exercise. Taking several long, slow breaths, he could feel the slight effects of years of practice taking hold. As he continued to seek solace, he couldn't help but notice that something still felt wrong.

He snorted, seating himself on the bed. Obviously, the things he'd said and done with Allen had unhinged his good sense. However he looked at the current situation, he still could not bring himself to renounce his love for the younger exorcist. 'There must be some way to make him understand,' He thought, feeling the long day catching up to him.

His mind still refused to accept that the feelings he had confessed to Allen were wrong. Thinking back, he was certain that the boy really had felt something for him, before this ridiculous ordeal had even begun. No one could have allowed such a thing to happen without some emotional attachment, especially not the innocent Allen Walker.

He frowned, disgusted with himself. After all, the other boy had refused to even consider the possibility that he could return Kanda's feelings, hadn't he? No matter what he'd said, the fact that he had rejected the samurai after so short a time made no sense. "I wish that you knew what I feel, Moyashi," He whispered, ignoring the cracking of his voice, "I wish that you would just let it be, just let me love you until you know for sure what you truly feel."

The uncharacteristic sadness filled him again at the thought of never holding that small hand again, of never having the chance to see the boy's face in the moment of release as he clung to him..

Cursing, he lay back, willing himself to sleep. The morning would come soon, and he was determined to show that little fool the error of his decision. 'There must be some way to make him see that there is no need for him to lie, to say that he feels something that he doesn't,' Kanda reasoned, his mind finally succumbing to his body's weary state. 'I'll just have to figure out what to do to show him..'

His last thought before he fell into the clutches of sleep was of Allen, and one last sigh escaped him as he began to dream..

********************************************************** *****

Allen sighed, his tears long since run out. 'God,' He thought, closing his eyes in prayer, 'Please help me, what should I have done? Was he right, should I have waited until I know for certain that I feel nothing for him?'

Silence was his only answer, the room's stillness mocking him. As he struggled to remember a time before this awful pain, he realized that in a way, Kanda had been right after all.

'When I told him that I'd often thought of him, it was true,' He mused, recalling vividly the many times that he'd felt curious about the older boy, the times that he'd wished that there was some way to be closer to him, to know more about his thoughts and feelings. Sitting upright, he tried to concentrate on the feelings attached to those memories. Surely if it had been love, he would have seen it!

Shaking his head, he frowned.

Truly, he'd never thought of doing anything like this, with anyone. But he'd also never really been in love, so how was he to compare these feelings? He knew that Komui had said that the effects of his machine could be overcome by the real emotion of love, but how would he know if he'd loved Kanda before all of this, or if he'd merely come to love him as a way to escape?

He couldn't bear the thought of using Kanda's feelings to his own ends, of taking the boy's emotions and leaving him with nothing in return. There was nothing he could possibly say or do to justify doing that, ever!

Despite the pain he felt, he still thought about what had happened between them, the warmth of Kanda's hands on his skin, and the choked sound of his voice as he'd sworn never to stop loving him, the way his name had sounded in that smooth voice as he'd moved against him..

Sobbing, he clutched his pillow to himself. Though he truly did feel regret at allowing the swordsman to hurt like this, he couldn't deny that his own feelings were unclear. Until Komui found some other way to remove the influence of his machine, Allen would just have to endure this, and so would Kanda.

Rising from his bed, he gathered his nightclothes. As he entered the bathing chamber, he felt a pang of sadness. The scent of the samurai still clung to his clothing, and that small reminder of his touch was agony.

Swiftly, he filled the bathtub with water, as hot as he could stand it. Lathering a cloth, he began roughly scrubbing his body, the unfamiliar aches serving to further remind him of what the two of them had done. The fading marks on his neck and shoulders were also reminders, and he flinched as he remembered the feeling of Kanda's lips there.

It seemed to him that the lovebites went far deeper than what he could see, as if the dark boy had marked his very being. He sobbed again at the thought, and quickly rose from the tub, drying himself with the same rough motions that he had used to wash.

Pulling a long shirt over himself, he lay in the darkness of his room, his mind still filled with thoughts of the boy who'd claimed to love him. Even after he'd known the truth, and Allen had rejected him, he'd still professed his love.. And though Allen truly didn't know if he was capable of returning that love, he secretly hoped that Kanda wouldn't forget, that there truly were some feelings that he could offer the boy that had suddenly become so important to him..

He closed his eyes wearily, his body feeling oddly cold, though he'd never minded it before.

Falling into an uneasy half-sleep, he allowed his mind to wander...

The warmth of Kanda's hand in his own, the feeling of his heartbeat through his coat as he'd held him, the sound of his moans as he'd lost himself in passion, so many wonderful things, all shadowed with that awful pain..

His dreams were clouded with that same pain, as he replayed the memories over and over in his mind. The look in the older boy's eyes when he'd rejected him, the tears that he had caused to fall..

And the most horrible thing of all, the words that Kanda had spoken in that place, the words that Allen had heard in his highest moment of pleasure, and again in the deepest level of his suffering..

"I love you, Allen Walker.."