Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ Two of a Kind ( Chapter 3 )

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 3: Two of a Kind)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

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Chapter 3:

L watched the members of the task force working together and bantering in a friendly manner, as he typed, and felt a cloud of sullenness descending upon him.

Matsuda was capering about, laughing, joking and doling out drinks and food requests to his companions. He was the most empty headed of the group... and yet... he seemed to enjoy life the most. He always had a ready smile, which irked L to no end, but he was beginning to wonder if exceptional intellect was more of a curse than a blessing.

Did being a genius reduce your chances of being happy?

He thought of Light and chewed on a nail. He would be content with someone like Light as a friend... they were well-matched and had an easy time communicating...

 Perhaps the key to it all was that only people of similar intellectual levels could form real bonds with each other. The greater your intelligence, the smaller the pool of people who were qualified. And, in that reduced group, only 10-20% were, statistically speaking, going to be a compatible match in personality. For someone like L, that meant his chances of gaining a friend in his lifetime would be approximately 1.5%. For someone like Matsuda... 85%.

That was just... depressing.

L reached halfheartedly for a chocolate covered tea biscuit, and crunched through a bite with a long suffering sigh.

The only way around such formidable odds would be to desensitize himself to stupidity, and find things to like about a larger percent of the population.

L pondered his comrades, trying to determine which member would be the least painful first step. Matsuda? No. Not yet. Matsuda would stay in reserve as a last resort in case he UTTERLY failed and just needed someone to be nice to him for his efforts.

Mogi? Hmm. Though ranking just below the police chief in intellect, L was still annoyed at the stocky man's dismissal of Kira being a student based on absolutely NOTHING. Aizawa kind of irked him in general with his constant challenges to everything L said, so he was out too. That left Ide and Yagami-san.

Yagami he was reluctant to approach as he was sort of put off at the possibility of things going badly with someone he actually sort of looked up to. That would be a last last resort.

So it was Ide.

But what would they talk about?

He wasn't sure he could recall the man ever speaking. Though whether that was due to reality, or that he'd just never said anything memorable was a toss up.

"Good afternoon, Ide-san," L said, shuffling over and shoving his hands in his pockets. "What is it you are currently working on for the case?"

The nearly eyebrowless man looked up with mild surprise. "I'm running a list of the students in Kanto region who have a schedule matching the holes in Kira's killing schedule."

"Ah. Not more than a 73% match though... Remember that Kira can alter the time of death, so some of the killings will overlap into even his course schedule."

"R-Right," Ide said, looking a little flustered, his eyes darting discretely back to his screen where he was running a search for matches higher than 90%.

L felt his eye twitch slightly, but maintained a friendly demeanor nonetheless. Desensitization, he reminded himself.

"I am trying to get to know the different members of the task force on a more personal level in order to strengthen our bonds and allow us to work even better together," L fabricated lightly. "What is it that Ide-san chooses to do in his free time?"

Ide gaped at him slightly. "I- um..." he looked down and to the side. "I study botany," he offered uncomfortably.

"For any particular purpose?" L asked. He scratched the top of his left foot with his right. Botany? He was somewhat mollified. It was an intellectual pursuit.

"I like to watch things grow..."

"Ah. Did you perhaps mean gardening then, Ide-san?"

"..." The eyebrowless man managed to look a very complicated version of uncertain. "I like tomatoes..."

"Tomatoes are quite good," L conceded, wondering why he was reaching a sticking point already, and on such a thing. "Do you play Chess or Go, Ide-san?"

"I..." Ide looked perplexed. "Ryuuzaki-san... why are you talking to me like this? I mean- well- am I... am I a suspect?"

L almost laughed out loud. Pained, hysterical laughter. "No, Ide-san. As I said previously, I am just getting to know..." Ide was looking at him like he wanted to inch away but was afraid to. Now why would he do that? Was conversation with him so abhorrent?

"I'm sorry Ryuuzaki-san, but I should get back to work. This list won't check itself." Ide turned back to his computer, shoulders hunched as if he were rather flinching from an expected blow.

"With the right programming it could," L muttered under his breath as he shuffled back to his seat in defeat. He grabbed a handful of rainbow colored twizzlers and chewed forlornly at the ends. Ide glanced up at him every so often for the next hour with a slightly freaked expression on his face. Every time that happened, L's mood soured even more. He tried to fill the hole of discontent that was growing within him with a variety of his favorite treats, but he was starting to feel ill. Stupid Ide.

He brooded for a while, not really feeling much like working on the Kira case. At this point, he didn't think he could see where Kira was doing anything wrong. Kira was getting rid of people, and that meant there would be less of them around for L to be forced to deal with. How was THAT evil?

"Ryuuzaki?" Yagami-san's respectful voice broke into his thoughts. "Are you feeling all right? You don't look yourself..."

L's head perked up and he felt a wash of gratefulness flow through him. He shouldn't have bothered with the others. He should have tried with the most intelligent and perceptive one first, it only made sense. "I'm just feeling a bit discouraged, Yagami-san." His heart lightened a fraction as he spoke what was really on his mind. "All this time we spend here together, all focused at our tasks and are we really any closer to finding Kira? To ending this? It is... difficult to be around so many new faces." Difficult to be around people, he amended in his head.

Police Chief Yagami nodded sagely.

"Speaking of Kira, where is Light-kun?" L mused, not realizing he'd said it aloud.

---

At quarter to six, Light walked into the hotel room the task force was working out of and was immediately hit with an unpleasant aura.

There was an uncharacteristic tension coming from all sides of the room, but it was more concentrated in the opposite corners housing L and his father.

L was on the couch, having a conversation with Matsuda, while listlessly chewing on some confection or other, looking markedly ill. His father was typing at one of the terminals, his back to them, his fingers hitting the keys with surprising force.

Light paused in the doorway, eyebrows drawing together. This wasn't right. He looked out the door behind him, shook his head, and viewed the scene anew.

Matsuda bounded up to his face, making him take a quick step back. "Yagami-kun, Yagami-kuuun!" he chirped with relief. "Thank goodness you're finally here!" Light opened his mouth to ask why but Matsuda rushed on. "Something's wrong with Ryuuzaki, you have to fix him."

Light hid his flash of annoyance. What, am I supposed to know how to do everything?

Matsuda latched onto his arm, his lower lip poking out. "He hasn't been himself today. He was-" Matsuda lowered his voice, "-talking to people."

Light tugged at his arm in an effort to gain it back from the dark-haired man's grip. He clung tight. Light did his best to ignore it and made his way over to L.

L looked... wilty.

"Ryuuzaki, Matsuda here tells me you have not been yourself today," Light said stiffly, trying one more futile tug.

L looked up at him, eyes lighting up in one brief, dying flicker before they sunk back to the flat dead look they'd acquired. "Hmn," he responded in a noncommittal fashion.  "But what is or isn't like me, I wonder? Perhaps Matsuda-san could enlighten me on that." L's eyes drifted to Light's trapped arm, his expression sharpening momentarily before they drifted away again.

"See?" Matsuda said in a stage whisper, "He's acting weeeeird."

"Matsuda," Light pitched his voice cloyingly, interjecting before L jumped off the couch in an act of violence, "Maybe it's best if you leave me alone to talk to Ryuuzaki. You know how shy genius types can be..." He smiled apologetically.

"Oh," Matsuda yipped, "Of course Light-kun! I'll- I'll just be over there then."

When the fluffy haired man had scampered off, L leveled Light with an unfriendly look. "You're a genius type too, Light-kun."

"No need to flaunt it to the underlings," Light said amicably, his hands wide. "It makes them uncomfortable."

"Matsuda looked plenty comfortable, and rather informal, if you want to get down to it."

Light smiled and sat down next to the detective. "It is annoying," he said patronizingly, "but that is the sacrifice of being popular." He turned to face L and added sweetly, "I'll correct him in his form of address if that pleases you, Ryuuzaki." He was pleased to note a blush coloring the emerging scowl on the older boy's face.

"Do what you want," L said. "It makes no difference to me."

Light flicked his eyes around the room, confirming that no one was watching them. He leaned into L's personal space, feeling a surge of glee at this new game. "Are you sure, Ryuu?" his voice was layered with concern. "You look upset."  His hand reached up to brush the side of L's face.

L turned a brighter shade of red and started to choke.

Task members began to turn around.

L jumped up and tried to make a hasty exit, but Light caught a slender wrist in an iron grip. "What's wrong, Ryuuzaki?" He added a dash of bewilderment to his concern. L's flesh shook in his hand like a caged animal. "Where are you going?" Smooth white skin, delicate in the grip of his hand. His thumb stroked the underside and he felt the muscles work against him.

"B-Bathroom," L flung out, eyes wide and marginally frantic as tried to pull away. "Too much junk food," he added for the benefit of the others as he tugged his hand free, which Light allowed.

L moved remarkably fast when he wanted to. In seconds, he was gone, and the others murmured to each other about how odd L had been acting. When they settled back to work, Light allowed a satisfied smile to curve his lips. Ryuuzaki was proving very fun indeed.

Light got up and stretched, making a production out of talking to each member of the task force for the 'latest', ending with his father. "I think I should go check on Ryuuzaki," he said earnestly, "to make sure he's ok."

The police chief's lips compressed into a thin line. Aha, Light thought, so L is the cause of his displeasure... interesting...

"That isn't necessary," the chief said, "I'm sure he's just fine."

"Father, you said it yourself, L is the mind of the operation, the heart even. Isn't it wise to make sure we don't dismiss every behavior of his as a quirk? He could be upset about something -"

"LIGHT." Yagami stared at his son. "L is nothing like us. He doesn't need -" he waved his hand dismissively, "-the same things most people do. He doesn't require the same care or connections. If you go, you'll only be bothering him when he wants to be left alone."

Light reeled from the ridiculousness of what his father was saying. Indignation shot through him like a hot wind, nearly balling his fists at his sides. Not like us? No, father, not like you. I am closer to L's sort than anyone, and further from the rest of you than I will EVER allow you to know... Who are you to say what people like us want or need?

"Father, that is a rather cold way of looking at things, don't you think?"

"He suspects you to be KIRA," his father growled. "He said as much, though I believe it was unintentional."

Real surprise showed on Light's face.

"He insults you to such a degree behind your back - do you still want to go to him?"

"I am sure that I am not his only suspect," Light said patiently. "I take heart in the fact he is thorough enough in this investigation to not rule me out simply because of this sort of reaction." He gave his father wide, earnest eyes.

His father backed down with a harsh sigh, running a hand through his greying hair in resignation. "If it doesn't offend you... I will try not to let it get to me."

Light nodded and excused himself.

---

L leaned back in his cushioned rolling chair until his head hung backward over the edge and he was staring at the wall behind him. Damp bangs clung messily against his skin from the water he'd splashed on his face not long ago. The coolness had calmed his pitching stomach, making it seem reasonably safe to leave the bathroom.

He didn't actually manage to get sick, though it was the closest call he'd had in over 7 years.

Mostly, L just wanted an excuse to flee the social awkwardness that had been ratcheting up in intensity until he was sure it would expand out of control. It was a convenient excuse, seeing as it was mostly true.

For now, he was in the monitoring room. He'd had the thought to review the recordings of the past several hours, to nitpick every interaction to see if the problem of failure lay in those he'd engaged or whether he really was as inept as he was suspecting.

Only he couldn't quite manage to make himself go over them.

He told himself it was just because he didn't want to go to all the trouble of interrupting the recording schedule, that it would be more efficient to wait until the cameras cycled to the next set of backups, but he was pretty sure he was lying.

He didn't want to see himself on film.

But, he had an itching desire to review the scene he'd had with Light. Just as strong was the desire not to. Was it merely the timing that had made that interaction feel so claustrophobic? So... personal? Or was Light really going out of his way to be obnoxious?

L chewed carefully at his thumb. He hadn't liked that he had gotten so flustered. But between all the staring eyes, and the unexpected... caress? to his wrist, he'd panicked. Slightly.

Was Light toying with him? Trying to get a rise out of him for amusement? He could almost swear he'd seen amusement in those honeyed eyes though nothing else had belied it. He didn't like the thought of Light playing with him as if he were trifling enough to be but a mere pawn. They were equals. Light should know that. So was it a power trip then? Ow!

L frowned at the newly formed crack in his thumbnail.

---

Yagami-san checked his watch in the dim light of the task force's glowing computer screens. It was almost 9pm, and there had been no sign of L for hours.

Light had come back in a quiet mood, his search for the detective yielding no results. The room had remained unusually silent since then.

Yagami-san loosened his tie uncomfortably.


---

"L?" the voice was distorted, the connection maintaining a bit of static.

L dangled the corded phone next to his ear with a bland expression canvasing his face and swiveled his chair 180 degrees. He had toyed with the notion of ignoring the insistent rings, not wanting to talk to anyone he could think of, but only one person had the number anyway. "...yes, Watari?"

"Are you planning on rejoining the investigation any time this evening?"

 "..." He was displeased with being bothered. Interruptions were feeling much like nails on a chalkboard in him right now.

"The members of the task force are starting to ask after you."

Of course. L felt the anger from earlier bank and rally as quick as brushfire. They couldn't get at him directly, so they would plague him through Watari. People. Why was it always people that did him in to extremes? Did they have any idea how irritating it was to be a super genius and not be able to figure out the first thing about socializing successfully??

Blunder after blunder, it was maddening. Not only did he utterly fail at his attempt with Ide, he'd totally pole-axed himself with Yagami-san with such a stupid, STUPID, mindless mistake. Of COURSE Light's father would be upset if he knew his son was a Kira suspect. That was exactly why L hadn't mentioned it to anyone.

"L?"

L dragged a weary hand over his face in disgust. Stupid. stupid.... "Which members, specifically?"

"Well... I was requested not to say specifically..."

Huh. That was interesting at least. "In that case, I would have to assume it was Yagami-san." The others must be getting off track. Or perhaps the older man wanted to call a truce for the sake of the case.

The quality of Watari's silence confirmed it.

"You can let him know that as soon as I work through some things on this end, that I need my utmost concentration for, I will rejoin them." He had no intention of going down there until at least 2am. Hopefully by then, they'd have all vacated the space and he could work in peace. There were rarely stragglers past 1:30am.

"There was someone else as well..." Watari said with slight resignation. It seemed he could tell L was just avoiding the mess of them with a canned excuse. "Light has requested a chance to speak with you. He said, and I quote, 'Please inform L that when he is done hiding, there is something I wish to discuss with him' end quote."

L felt his mouth drop open in indignation. "Hiding?! Who the hell-" he continued his tirade mentally, -does he think he is?! Kira or no Kira I'm going to kick his head so hard he won't even know who the hell he is, the condescending little-

"Should I tell him you accept?"

L tapped his fingers on the desk in an angry staccato. "Sure. Fine." How did Light always manage to work things his way? He must've figured out how hard it was for L to ignore a challenge, thus flushing him out. The cocky bastard.

Despite himself though, he was curious. Was this regarding his new status as 'suspect'? Surely he knew of that already... Or was there something else on his clever mind?

---


The room used as the base of operations was dark.

L breathed a sigh of relief. It was only the dimmest flicker of disappointment that touched him that he would not hear what Light had to say after all. It was rather late by now, intentional on his part, and he hadn't expected the other boy to accept the timing anyway. L allowed himself a small smile. His lordship would just have to talk to him some other time. When it suits me, he thought with satisfaction.

He navigated in a careful shuffle through the room, his feet encountering some odd items he'd rather not try to place. Pillow. Paperwork. Instant noodle cup?? He was just extricating his offended toes from the container with a small noise of disgust when someone spoke.

"It is rude of you to keep me waiting, Ryuuzaki."

L froze. That voice. He'd recognize that arrogant, silky tone anywhere. "Light-kun. I didn't expect you to be awake at this hour." Especially not hours after the time he'd set. L was still night blind, but turned to face the brunette's approximate location.

"I did not decline your invitation, did I?" The tone was chock full of haughty disapproval.

"Nor did you accept it." L hunched his shoulders, folding in on himself a bit. "I'd have thought you'd be home by now, tucked into your bed like a good little schoolboy." L surprised himself with the insult, and the tone his voice held. It sounded unlike himself.  But the annoyance he felt at Light's chiding was likely the culprit.

"Casting aspersions on my age when you yourself are acting so immature? To make me wait on your pleasure? Really, Ryuuzaki, you disappoint me."

L could now make out the soft glow of electronic luminescence upon his face. The curve of a cheek, the slow spread of a condescending smirk, and the glint of half-shuttered eyes. The other boy was reclining on the sofa, 20% pale blue contour and 80% shadow. This was the first time he'd seen anyone in this sort of... environment. It made him uneasy somehow. "Are you suggesting I made you wait on purpose, Light-kun?" He let his eyes grow wide. He may not have his own vision completely at his disposal, but Light surely had his. It wouldn't do to forget that.

There was a faint rustle of cloth, and an impression of blocked air and space.

Light was standing before him. L could just make out the lofty incline of his face, the superior look. He was rather close.  "That's exactly what I'm saying, Ryuuzaki. And to what do I owe this disrespect?"

That gave L pause. It wasn't intentional disrespect, and served no real purpose... it was merely a reaction to... to...

Light's fingers lightly brushed his wrist, choking off his inner dialog, tracing the vulnerability of sensitive skin just above his palm.  "Is it because of earlier?" Light asked in a soft, low voice, leaning closer. L felt his mind grow unfocused, the tenor of the words seeming to echo within him.  "When I did this?" Fingers slipped around to encircle L's wrist. Strong, supple hands. A small shudder chased it's way down L's spine. He was quite sure that he was able to feel the body heat of the other boy, as if they were only inches apart.  Only he couldn't be certain, as his eyes appeared to be closed.

"Why does it upset you so?" Light all but breathed into L's ear.

The resulting thrum that shot through L's stomach was so intense that it made him jump back, startled. What the-?!

Light still had hold of him, relentless in his grip. "What's wrong, Ryuuzaki?" Did his voice sound smug? He was coming closer. L realized his heart was beating fast in his chest. What was this game? He didn't like it. He wasn't in control.

"L-Light-kun. I am going to request that you release my hand."

"Are you scared, Ryuuzaki?" He kept saying the name, it was becoming a mantra in L's head. Each time, spoken like a caress. Each time affecting a change to the very structure of his cells, burning them up like a virus. "Is it because you suspect me to be Kira?" Such an angelic voice there, ringing with innocence. "Or is it something else?" his voice lowered and seemed to curl up at the edges. Amusement.

L's hands were shaking. He knew it was folly to hope that Light wouldn't notice. "You are one of many suspects, Light-kun." L tried to speak as blandly as possible. "You merely possess the intellect and the potential, and we must investigate all possibilities."

"Hmmm," Light murmured in the near dark, making him shiver. "You sound so calm as to almost be convincing. Whatever has you rattled so?"

"I'm wavering in my resolution," L said faintly. The only thing that might deter Light from his present course, whatever that was, would be the scent of truth.

Light made a noise of interest. "Regarding?"

"Kira."

L was mollified to find his hand being released.

"What of Kira?"

"This may sound... uncharacteristic of me, but-" L took a breath, "-I cannot seem to find him as guilty as I once had." There, words were helping him regain his focus. Despite the horrid conviction of those words.

"Go on," Light's voice was like dark velvet.

The lack of illumination was good for hiding the guilty flush that overtook his skin. "I've always understand why he's doing what he is... it's just that now I can't seem to disagree."

Silence was the only response.

L initially felt more at ease locking onto his other problem. But the difficulty it presented was troubling on a deeper level. Self worth. Hypocrisy. Loyalties.  "How am I supposed to hunt down someone who is doing work I might be coming to believe in?"

There was a click, and suddenly the room was awash with light. L threw a hand up to cover his eyes. Stark, white light. To reveal in ugly nakedness the blasphemy of the truth he'd uttered. It was crushing.

"Do you mean that?" Light asked, his voice intense.

L looked at him through parted fingers. There was no teasing now. But should he admit it again? This sign of his own weak moral character before someone who may in fact be the renowned executioner of the damned?

No, no, no! What was he thinking?? The investigation. The investigation. His personal views were of no consequence. He couldn't compromise his livelihood and reason for living for a stroke of insanity. For a smokescreen.

Kira or Kira's adversary... either way, admitting it to him again was untenable. The repercussions of that truth being believed were too great.

He felt expression leak from his face until it was utterly empty. His mask was now firmly in place. "If I meant that, what kind of justice could I hope to bring to the world, Yagami-kun?"

Light responded in turn with a dulling of his own features, shuttering away the intensity that was likely his unadorned face. He then turned it into a rueful smile.  "Indeed. Where would the great L be without Kira as an adversary."

Light's mask was the earnest schoolboy with effusive expression, L decided. The polar opposite of his own empty, dead eyes and impassive face. Just like the portrayal and lack thereof of their full mental abilities. Light kept himself veiled in that respect, whereas L hid nothing.

"Tirelessly bored, no doubt," L mumbled under his breath. He wondered at this side of Light - the one he could talk to, despite their facades and posturing.

"No doubt," Light echoed softly.

---

TBC