Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ Black & White ( Chapter 25 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 25: Black & White)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: I want to send out a heartfelt thank you to my regular reviewers. I appreciate you so much!

Oh, and to 'Passing Reader': Happy (belated) b-day, good luck with the move, and thank you for your support! :D

A/N 2: Warning for darker themes and potential violence in the upcoming chapters. (Not to spoil you guys or anything! I just felt I needed to put that out there. ciao!)

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Chapter 25:

The pale, green-tinted light of the banker's lamp was the only illumination in the darkened, modernistic room.

Light Yagami...

He brushed fingertips over the photograph Misa had reluctantly allowed him to keep.

Even in a staged school picture, the boy possessed something unique and compelling. When he saw it, reason did not matter. He had to have it. She'd looked at him strangely at first when he'd asked for it, but she'd easily been swayed by his outpouring of devotion for Kira.

So... this was the face of God?

Such perfection? But didn't that only make sense? He felt humble before such an icon, unworthy of the object within his hand that bore his holy visage. He lifted the thick matte paper closer, entranced by the secrets he could see within the uncommon golden color of his idol's warm eyes. He could see the weight of knowledge disguised by the youth he yet possessed.

Teru touched his lips to the image devoutly, eyes closing as he drew breath against the sinful feeling that coursed through him at his daring.

He lives, he breathes, he walks this earth. God was not dead.

God had sent him a messenger, a means with which to find him. God had gifted him with truth. And even she had not known right away. The little fool who claimed he loved her. She was not privy to any prior knowledge; they'd been made aware of his life at the same moment. She was not more important than him...

If he truly loved you, he would not have found his way to me, he thought spitefully.

The thought of his God spoiling himself on her...

His fist clenched. She wasn't worthy! She wasn't meant to receive his graces or feel his mortal skin! Teru's hand shot out and struck the desk organizer to the floor with an ungainly clatter.

And she was there now. In his presence. He'd watched, as agreed, from a nearby building as she met with L's subordinate. She was careless. So careless. She'd seemed surprised when he called and said he was ill at ease over the inconsistency of the names. He'd listened in on their conversation...

That boy is dangerous, he'd seethed. Too intelligent. Too cunning. Why would you leave him alive? Why would you tell me to?

And he could not disobey her, or the thing that haunted her would snuff him out.

Misa had given him ownership. He'd even traded for the eyes, and still he could not move without her consent.

She was a fool. To give him all the power, to lose her own enhanced sight...and yet, it would get her in to see God. She had eliminated things that might be a burden to him. By enlisting my help.

His jealousy spoke itself trough a tremor in his writing hand.

It would be so easy...

Just to write her name and take her place before him...

But the Shinigami would know. It had made things very clear, and he would be committing suicide to do such a thing. Death through these pages will lead to my own. Death through other means, however...

He bit his lips nervously. Would God condemn me for erasing her? Would he judge me the same as all who eventually fall dead at his feet?

He picked up the photograph, quailing at the brilliance of the boy's smile. He touched again the sensual lips and the elegant arching of his brows and felt his very soul shudder.

Yagami Light...

He would make certain Misa made contact before acting. They'd agreed upon a time beforehand in case they tried to incarcerate her. Perhaps she would be able to relate something useful, or tell him anything about the shining brunette that might sate the fire burning in his blood.

---

Misa had thrown a small fit when she learned that Light could not actually leave his room to see to her accommodations, but when he did nothing more than give her a helpless shrug, she eventually went with Ryuuzaki without further fuss.

Light closed the door on them and heard the lock slide home as L engaged it.

Their departure left him equally relieved and restless. The crap he'd had to say at the end just to get the blonde to cooperate had left a bad taste in his mouth. Like sludge to accompany the taste of unwanted kisses. He could also still feel her clinging on him and his skin recoiled at the remembrance.

He walked back into the dark bedroom and into the mid-sized hotel bathroom. He turned on the light and went to the sink. The bland white tile was cool even through the layer of his socks. It reflected well the temperature of his feelings towards his 'girlfriend'. This had been one of the hardest acts he'd had to put himself through. He grabbed his toothbrush, running it under the faucet and applying a liberal amount of toothpaste to the bristles.

He lifted his eyes to those of his reflection. They were narrowed. Cold. Empty. And filled with the darkness of his mood.

Blank now.

Was it reflexive?

He began brushing his teeth, surveying the change he could affect just with his eyes. Benign? Happy? Yes, he could go through all of that as quick as thought. But there was more that was required to fake the finer things. How did you fake passion? You couldn't, unless you were aware of that feeling, were familiar with it in the first place. Even so, he'd refused the simpler method in his interaction with Misa. He did not want to sully L by using his image to fake it.

That had probably led to a less than convincing performance, but it seemed to be enough for his 'girlfriend' to be satisfied.

He spat mint foam into the sink and ran the water again.

Not enough.

He eyed the shower. There was probably time. His skin was practically twitching with the imagined feel of contamination. It had been a close call, he thought as he stripped off his shirt. Misa had actually defied him by going to L. He was grateful the black-haired man had been so quick on his feet in response. It had enabled him to avoid being alone with her, which he rather dreaded. It had been a problem even before his incarceration. She sought increasing intimacy from him, and he'd been running out of excuses.

He had no interest in her provocative clothes or bared skin. Not a flicker of desire for her pouting lips or her chest pressed against his.

It felt forced. Unclean.

He scowled as he scrubbed his skin with the soapy washcloth. The thought of sharing a bed with her made him feel ill. In the absence of passion, such a thing was only done for breeding. That held even less appeal than the act itself.

Why was it different with L?

Was it because he was male? Do I have that sort of preference? He didn't think so; he could think of no other men he found appealing. It was only L. Only L out of everyone.

"Stupid," he muttered, rinsing himself off.

He grabbed the bottle of shampoo and squeezed a wasteful amount into his hand. Working the lather into his soaked hair, he finally started to feel clean. How much longer? he wondered. He needed a better plan in regards to Misa. He had to make her useful. Now that she knew he was alive, he had no impediment to his original thought of securing her notebook and offering that one to L. He could, in that way, avoid exposing Ryuuk's existence while answering the ultimatum. There wasn't much time left. As for the second notebook - L could not demand that in any set amount of time as it belonged to the second Kira. Whether that Kira was active or not would be irrelevant for a little while. Perhaps he could get his own notebook out to another 'Kira' to maintain the second Kira's presence. So long as it wasn't Misa. She wasn't very good at it, and her foul-ups carried too large a price.

He finished his shower quickly, thinking unpleasant thoughts about the dinner date he'd made. It seemed the natural thing to offer as Misa's self-appointed 'boyfriend', and it had gotten her out of his hair, but the prospect was less than thrilling.

He was towel-drying his hair when he thought he heard the suite's main door open. He stopped and listened. It was quiet. "Ryuuzaki?" he called, wrapping the towel around his waist. He nudged through the partially open bathroom door and into the dark bedroom. He'd left the bedroom door half open as well. What he could see of the sitting area was vacant as well. "Are you-"

Light felt the air leave his lungs as he was pushed roughly against the wall. A hot mouth consumed his, stealing whatever breath he had left. His body responded immediately to the one pressing against him so aggressively, quickening as it recognized his assailant. His eyes closed as fingers wound tightly into his wet hair and tilted his head back. Desire flared sharply within his abdomen as a bold tongue forced his lips wider, plunging deeply into his captured mouth.

"Why is your hair wet?" L asked him, pulling back slightly, but not releasing him.

"I took a shower."

"Why?" L's thigh pressed between Light's provocatively.

"Do I need your permission for such things?" he ground out.

"Yes," L growled, leaning in and biting his bared neck.

He almost told L to stop - to not mark the skin, but it really wouldn't damage his story. It would just make dinner with Misa that much more awkward. "Ryuu...zaki," he groaned as the other boy sucked at his skin and a hand trailed over his chest. Still, this wasn't typical behavior for the dark-haired insomniac. He needed to make an effort to determine the cause before this went much... further...

Was it that he'd been caught by surprise that made this feel so unbearably delicious?

Or was it L's jealousy that tasted so sweet?

"L," he said, opting for the name with fewer syllables. "Explain." Much less eloquent than, 'Ryuuzaki, whatever has gotten into you? Could it be that you are jealous?' But he refused to gasp anything out, which was more likely had he decided to be verbose.

"I suppose you didn't do anything in the shower after all, if this is any evidence," L said, cupping him through the towel.

Light actually felt his face flush. L was never this forward. It was kind of hot, but he'd die before admitting as much. "Of course I didn't, you crazy bastard," he gasped out. Dammit. So much for that little rule. "What's gotten into you? Jealous?" He sneered the last. Tried to. It sounded merely breathless and mildly biting to his own ears.

"Yes," L said. "I'm torn between kissing you and smacking your head into this wall."

"I'd prefer the first option," Light said helpfully.

"I'm sure you would."

"Or either, really, as even being pinned against a wall tends to become a bit boring after a whi-Nnnnn-" Light moaned, his little speech being rudely interrupted by a firm squeeze of L's hand between his legs. He clenched his teeth and his eyes closed, at the mercy of those pleasurable fingers. "You... bastard," Light wheezed.

"Misa demanded dinner in less than an hour. Aren't you happy?"

"No," Light said. "Why the hell don't you sound out of breath?"

"Self-control."

"Bull-ahhh shit." Goddammit. Again?

He snaked his hands under L's clothes. His tormentor tried to evade him, but he was persistent. L's muscles twitched beneath his fingers, and he shuddered when Light ran hands up his back. The hold on Light's hair weakened and he smirked. "Self-control, my ass," he said, dragging L's mouth to his.

L's body drew taunt as a bowstring the moment Light took his arousal in hand. The dark-haired boy leaned heavily against him as Light stroked him with clever fingers, his breath puffing in hastening caresses against the brunette's neck. Light closed his eyes, enjoying the sensual feel of it and the other's heart beating rapidly against his chest. "You want to know what I told her?" he asked.

"Later," L breathed out in a husky voice.

"Or you could tell me your best guess?" he teased silkily. "Whatever you want, as long as you keep talking in that sexy voice. I'm sure I could cum just from that."

"Shut up, Light," L groaned into his neck sounding mortified. "How do you even say things like that?" He seemed to sense Light opening his mouth to reply, because his grip on Light's flesh tightened, eliciting a gasp instead.

"Mmm... Ryuuzaki," Light moaned loudly, cackling internally at the wave of embarrassment he could feel flooding through his partner at such a simple thing.

"I'm going to kill you," came the weak reply.

L was close; his voice often hitched like that or lost strength at such times. It was arousing to hear, as were his short, panting breaths. Light let the sensations roll through him, winding around his core. His own legs were beginning to shake under the weight of L's body pressing against him and the hand that brought such sharp stabs of pleasure, which radiated throughout his stomach in warm, dizzying patterns.

L cried out, his fingers clenching convulsively and his body beginning to shudder against his. Too erotic, he thought hazily. The building ache in his groin spiked sharply, forcing a gasp from the depths of his chest as his head fell back against the wall. His legs buckled at last and he slid to the floor, partially dragged down by the weight of his dark-haired partner.

"It's funny," Light said, his head lolling lazily to the side.

"What is?" L mumbled, seemingly too tired to move.

Light didn't mind. He twirled circles in the other boy's dark hair, strangely content to annoy the detective in this way and evade his half-hearted swats. "Misa was afraid you'd throw me down and ravish me."

"And whose fault is that? You probably told her something strange." L blew at a chunk of bangs that had fallen into his eyes. "Besides, that was hardly a ravishment."

Light chuckled. "She thought it up herself, really. After all the dirty glares you were throwing around, she decided that I was sleeping with you."

L jumped up in surprise. "What?"

Light propped himself up on his elbows. "It gets better. She thinks I seduced you so that you wouldn't throw me in the incinerator. Not only that, L is a great evil bastard who is keeping me alive to be his bitch and laugh at me."

"..."

"What, you don't find that funny?" Light laughed. "At least it keeps her thinking L is a separate person so she doesn't kill you in a jealous rage."

"That could only happen if she were the second Kira." L's wary, analytical voice was back.

"Not so. Whether she is the second Kira or not is of no consequence. She can get you killed either way. Be it directly or through another person, which is what she is claiming."

"Hmmn." L sounded displeased. "To answer your question.... no. I actually didn't find it funny because it could too easily be the truth - the first part anyway."

"Which makes it all the more believable," he countered brusquely. "Oh, lighten up. Even if I had seduced you like that, there wouldn't be much in it for me unless I actually liked you. And if I didn't like you, I most certainly would not be sitting here in need of another shower while my hair still hasn't dried from the one I just took."

"I'm not sure I like your way of rationalizing things," L said reluctantly.

Light sighed and got to his feet. He offered a hand to L. "Can't please everyone," he remarked drolly. "Come on, bright eyes," he said as he pulled L to his feet. "Time for a shower and then the fun of dressing for a dinner that is sure to be loads of excitement for everyone."

"You don't want to go?" Ryuuzaki sounded puzzled as he followed Light into the bathroom. "If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who suggested it."

"Ryuuzaki," Light sighed. "Trust me when I say that you do not understand people. At all." He turned on the shower and let it run a moment before getting in.

"...okay," L said after a long pause, "but I still-"

"It would take too long to explain." Light decided not to bother with his hair again, and reached for the soap. "But, here are the essential bits: I do not like Misa, I do not want to have dinner with her, and I do not enjoy her draping herself on me."

"You're right," L said with an edge, "I guess I don't understand, because with the way you were kissing her-"

Light frowned. For being extremely intelligent, L could be rather daft. "Ryuuzaki," he said harshly, leaning close to L's face and staring into his endless black eyes, "I. felt. nothing."

L blinked rapidly. "I-I see."

"Good. I'm glad to hear it." He went back to focusing on his shower and rinsing the suds off.

"It's nice to know you are so good at faking it," L muttered archly.

"Oh, for Christ's sake!" Light spat, turning around. "That's what you're worried about?"

L glared at him like a sullen child. "Not without reason, I think."

Light started to laugh. "This is rich. Richly ironic. The more honest I am with you, the more you doubt me. It's a doomed cycle, isn't it?"

"Stop making fun. I'm being serious."

"I AM BEING SERIOUS," Light snapped. "Do you have any idea what it's like to do the kinds of things we do with someone you don't like? Do you? My skin crawls at the thought of it! You wanted to know why I took a shower before?" He stepped towards L, forcing him back. "I'll tell you! To get the feel of her off of me because I couldn't stand it!"

L inched away from his outburst.

Light dogged him. "And why would I go through that? Huh? Why the fuck would I do that?"

L shook his head mutely, looking like he wanted to be just about anywhere else right now.

"I did it because I'm trying to keep your paranoid ass alive! And you have the nerve to fault me for being convincing!?"

L wisely kept his mouth clamped shut. Light wasn't sure if he could take even one more poorly chosen comment or accusation right now. He felt like he was about to boil over. "And another thing. Maybe you're a little new to all of this, but people don't generally make a habit of fucking people they don't like. I can assure you, if faking was all we had, it would be wildly different."

Light whipped back the shower curtain and stormed out of the bathroom, unleashing another string of curses.

Idiot, IDIOT. There were dozens more things he wanted to throw in L's face, but as it was he felt he'd said too much. He'd almost told L how much it incensed him to be accused of faking it, especially right after the act - which had been partly to blame for his temper exploding. But that was giving away too much. It left him too open and vulnerable to admit that such a thing actually hurt.

I'm sick of you. Sick to death.

Why did these things always happen right when it seemed everything was going well? Was it too much to ask that L learn enough tact to work on his timing? Did it really require massive social skills to understand that constant accusations about the legitimacy of someone's feelings was bound to break them down? To cause resentment? Could L not understand how debased of him it was to think that Light was fighting revulsion every time they were together? Because that was what it would be like had he been faking the sex and the caring.

It pisses me off that you made me care about you.

How much easier it would have been to be Kira for as long as possible, until he burnt out in a blaze of light. How much more noble than being chained to the back of a person who constantly questioned his every move, making him wallow in the blackest, stickiest emotions of them all.

For every moment of peace and contentment you offer me, I pay it back a thousandfold in hell.

He wanted something upon which to spend his ire. His fingers twitched to smash something. But what they really longed for were the plain, ruled pages that were the vehicle of his divine judgment. Those thin, blue lines... just waiting to bear the names of the guilty... waiting to guide the graceful flourishes of his pen strokes.

Being Kira gave him peace.

It gave him purpose.

He touched the side of his face as his head began to pound. Oh, not this again. The last thing he needed was a headache. He wrested some clothing from the closet, not really caring what it was, and dressed. He assumed this abominable dinner was to happen in this suite; He was moved around infrequently and when it did happen, extraordinary care was taken to alter his appearance so he could remain 'dead'.

His stomach churned at the thought of food, and the thought of enduring Misa again so soon. He tried not to think of L, because that made it worse. His roiling emotions were making him feel spiteful. He almost wished he could bear Misa's affections if only to deal L some of the torment he deserved. Stew in jealousy over someone you're convinced doesn't even care for you.

God, can't you see how fucked up that is, L?

His eyes drifted over the dresser, and curiously, a cell phone lay at its base. It was half-buried under a pair of L's jeans. He never leaves such things out where I can access them... He picked it up and recognized it as Misa's. It had a weird little doll hanging from the phone strap. He glanced at the bathroom door, which remained closed. The shower was still running as well. Still...he had a pang of remorse hit him. Was L actually bathing, or was he standing frozen in the same manner Light had left him?

He pushed that thought aside and flicked open the phone. There were a few calls, sent and received, with a number Light didn't recognize. It was odd that Misa had not assigned a name to it. She was usually a fanatic about that.

He noticed the really long one was made around the time she should have been meeting with L.

Was it an accidental call? The speed at which his heart was beginning to beat made him doubt that.

The shower was still running.

He pressed the send button.

He wet his lips as he listened to the call ring through.

It clicked as someone picked up.

"God?" a male voice asked breathlessly.

Light's hair stood on end. "Who is this?" he hissed. Someone knew Kira was alive? And how could they know it was not Misa, unless they knew her whereabouts and the confiscation of her phone? Besides that, he could have been L calling! He could have been anyone!

"I've been waiting for you... I am your humble servant."

"Do you know who I am?" he intoned. This man was not going to give away his own name so easily. It was smart of him.

"Yagami Light," the man answered reverently. "God."

It gave Light chills to hear such things, but it was not altogether bad. With what bordered on sick fascination, he prodded them once more. "I ask again, who are you?"

The velvety voice spoke, "I am anything you need me to be. Anyone. But I have no name to give that would be worthy of your lips."

Light hesitated as the words slithered through him, not sure he wasn't being hit on. And how to feel about that...? On the one hand, it was sort of freakish, on the other, it was... it was kind of sexy. He hoped the last was a byproduct of his discordance with L. He was out of his mind otherwise. But the adoration... was this not the very thing he craved as Kira?

Adoration, yes, but there was something darker within this man. He was no blind follower. Light sensed that he could be a powerful ally, but deeper senses warned him to maintain a distance.

"I want to meet you, God," the nameless voice said. "Very much." He could almost hear the licking of lips in the pause.

"That won't be possible."

"Not for a while, perhaps. But you'll find a way."

"Just how much do you know?" he asked coldly.

"Only that which was given to me to know."

"..." Light wasn't sure that Misa's phone wasn't tapped. If it were, he would catch hell later. If it were, it was excellent that his 'servant' had forgone his name. He wanted to ask the man things, such as if a Death Note was in his possession, but he couldn't risk leaking that information. Oh, but it would all fit, wouldn't it? If this man had Rem's notebook... but when did the switch occur? Certainly at the beginning or the second Kira's deviating patterns...

"You are not alone," the voice said mysteriously, the moment the running water shut off. "I will be in touch."

The screen went dark as the connection severed. Light wiped the phone of his prints and put it back where he found it. He cursed himself for his curiosity. He would be found out as soon as L looked at the phone log and saw what time this last call was placed. Unless, he'd already done his checking and neglected to do a follow up.

Had Misa involved someone out of fear of getting caught?

But where had she found this person? How did she know she could trust him?

Light frowned and rubbed the bridge of his nose, his whole body feeling tense and jittery. The answer to the second was: she didn't. Misa was never thorough enough. It was a strong play in her favor to have recruited someone of intelligence, it had thrown L off track... But...he was an unknown factor. How did she plan to control him? Even on borrowed power, this man could cause a lot of trouble.

---

Dinner was every bit as painful as Light had anticipated and more.

A pall was cast upon their tiny gathering; they were but three solitary beings guarding their dismal places at the table.

L was silent - poking at some sweet or another he'd ordered from room service, but didn't seem to want. As for himself, Light was staring down at his plate, a cloud of nebulous thought crowding out all of the things which should be concerning him, in favor of things he should leave be. Misa wore a strained smile and tried half-heartedly to gain his attention while she doggedly worked to fill the uncomfortable silence.

He noticed L's mouth twisted down in the makings of a frown. His face was otherwise blank and calm. Too calm.

Light tried to bring an end to the surreptitious glances he kept sliding L's way, but that was proving impossible. Why can't I gauge...

He turned to Misa in frustration, rallying himself to deliver more than the monosyllabic responses he'd resorted to since the beginning of this affair. He engaged in something he supposed could qualify as a conversation, but it wasn't enough to occupy or ground his mind and he felt it begin to wander almost immediately.

He regarded the girl as her mouth continued to form words that were of no interest to him. Misa was, unfathomably, wearing a different outfit. Something that was almost entirely black lace. He'd inquired earlier as to where she'd come by such attire and she said perkily that Ryuuzaki had agreed to escort her to one of the clothing stores on the first floor. She'd batted her eyelashes at him, as she was still doing now, and asked if she looked sexy.

He'd made the appropriate response, but just did not feel up to putting the proper effort behind it. She had wilted visibly, but he could not do much more than he already was. He was horribly distracted by the tense air between himself and L. For once in all their time spent together, he could not determine if the dark-haired insomniac was really upset or just angered beyond words. L was also studiously avoiding eye contact, making things that much more grating for the brunette.

He felt... guilty. He did. But he also stood by everything he'd said.

So where did that leave them?

Having one of the most awkward dinners he had ever suffered through. This must be what dysfunctional families felt like at meal times.

And then there was that phone call. Between that, the headache, and both of his companions, Light very much wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. Fuck manliness. This was a denouement of such ill-fated circumstance, he wanted no part of any of it. It could not get any worse. Unless my self-proclaimed 'servant' really is in possession of a Death Note...

"I thought about what you said, Misa," L said succinctly, breaking his silence for the first time. He rose from his chair. "I can afford you some privacy without leaving you alone. I'll just be in the other room. Remember, though, that the room is always monitored by an outside source."

...Or L said something like that.

Light looked at the hardly touched dessert and back at L's blank face in shock. You're abandoning me? L skillfully looked everywhere but at him. Hey, look at me! Don't just turn around... you... oh, you bastard.

"Isn't that great, Light?" Misa said encouragingly as he watched L shuffle into the other room.

That depends. Is L trying for a display of trust or a low-balled way of getting even?

He smiled, and it felt a bit cracked. "It's perfect," he said.

"Light..." she blinked at him in concern. "Are you ok? You've been acting strange. And you've hardly eaten."

"I'm fine." He was glad the mark that L had left upon his neck was hidden beneath the collar of his black dress shirt. He needed no extra sources of irritation, like an impromptu foray into the realm of his lie to Misa. Her concern over his physical and 'sexual' imprisonment was due to tip over into jealousy and anger at any time, especially if she saw evidence of it. Right now it was just a concept, and not really real to her. Between the stiffness of this entire dinner and his lack of appetite, a love bite would essentially be a stick of dynamite to explode the situation out of his control. It would be the last straw to make Misa want to kill 'Ryuuzaki' off for 'traumatizing him' and making him submit himself to heinous acts. "I just have this pounding headache..."

"Do you need to lie down?"

"If I do, I'm never getting back up." I also would never choose to be horizontal with you around. "Listen, Misa. You know your friend Rem?"

She blinked at him. "...yeah?"

Light had debated this back and forth ever since L decided to vacate the area. It would look more suspicious to bring this up as soon as he left... but it could not be helped. "I was wondering how she is. Is she seeing anyone new?" He needed more information, and this might be his only chance. If L questioned him later, so be it. Even if the detective tried to track down a 'Rem' through any of the schools and found no one, it was not unlikely it was just a nickname in the first place.

"Well..." Misa hesitated, seeming to hesitate under the pressure of conveying something useful while remaining as vague as possible. Really, Light scoffed, it isn't that difficult. "There might be this guy... I don't know him that well, but he seems reliable."

"Oh? That's nice," Light decided to proceed with a vaguely bored air. This was supposed to be small talk, after all. He occupied himself with consuming more of his meal. He cut the meat up into tiny strips. "How did she meet him?"

"Online."

"Interesting." Bite. Chew. Swallow. "I didn't think that happened much anymore."

Eating was tedious. But appearances were important. He had no doubt L was watching their every move. He was always watching.

Knowing that assuaged Light's disquiet somewhat, in regards to the detective and their discord, but the trepidation he felt over this new player - his servant - was growing.

"Yeah," Misa continued blithely, "and it was a total coincidence. But I think it might just work out. She says he's got really great eyes, unlike me."

Light froze mid-chew. The food tasted like ash in his mouth.

She... couldn't be... that stupid...

She'd given up her Death Note? Given it up entirely?? For that was the only way she would have lost the eyes, and the only way someone else would be able to make the deal...

Certainly, it was good that she did not have the power to kill L, or see his real name, but that hardly mattered when now they were faced with an unknown factor such as this! If Misa had stayed as the second Kira, then everything until now had been controlled. Had the new owner been there when L met Misa earlier? Did he know L's name? He meant it when he'd said he would kill Misa if L died, so Rem would have to adhere to that fact. It would be in her best interest to prevent the new Kira from killing L as well.

But still, there were so many ways it could go wrong.

Was the new Kira sympathetic to Misa, or was he just playing along to retain the power she'd offered? Would he kill someone by her request alone?

"Light?"

He wanted to slap her across her face, to shock the insipid devotion out of her eyes and wake her up to the situation she had placed them all in. He was furious. It was also a monkeywrench in his plan to gain ownership over Rem's notebook so that he could pawn it off as the one he'd been using. That way he could delay L ever finding out about Ryuuk and possibly escape termination through the dark Shinigami's impatient hand. "I'm sorry, I was just surprised to hear that," Light said, smiling saccharinely. He held a hand up to her cheek and brushed the skin beneath her eye in a light caress. "You know that I think your eyes are the most beautiful I've seen."

He hoped L choked on his jealousy.

Misa's eyes dimmed a little, showing disquiet. Despite her desperate will to believe he loved her, even she had her doubts. She was seeing the double meaning more clearly this time, perhaps because he'd led her into this conversation, he'd shown her how such things worked. Because of this, she was expecting him to say things contrary to his true meaning. She had seen beneath the lifted little edge of his facade, and it had stymied her confidence.

Oh, if only I could drive the stake in your heart even deeper, he thought as he turned the brilliance of his smile up a few notches, watching it have an adverse effect for the first time. If only I was at liberty to tell you how I truly feel about you and your love.

And what is it that you love about me? My face? My body? All the exterior components that are nothing of what I am?

A streak of cruelty surfaced in him, and he found himself laying a kiss on her lips, loving that he could pain her with the very thing she'd always been demanding of him. You fool. How can you claim to love someone you don't even know? You are infatuated with a shining shadow of me, and you never thought to look further.

He pulled back after a moment.

Enough was enough. He really should re-spin the mirage of his fake self for her - it would be much less troublesome than letting her bask wretchedly in the truth. And she would latch onto his lies, he knew, because he could be very convincing and people never cared much for truth anyway.

Lies were so much more beautiful and warm. And lies are all you ever wished of me, are they not?

---

Misa looked up into cold, citrine colored eyes and was overwhelmingly relieved when the warmth they usually held filtered back into them.

It was a mistake... Light had only been surprised. She was imagining the rest.

Still, it left her feeling a little out of sorts. She gazed into his beatific smile and couldn't shake the idea that she had displeased him. "Do you think about Rem so much? Am I not important to you? You know I'd do anything for you, Light..." Just tell me what to do. Please.

His hand was warm on her shoulder. "Don't you worry about that. It was just a passing thought I'd had, that is all. She was such pleasant company when we'd met previously. I was thinking how nice it might be if we could all get together again, but that would not be possible anyway, things being what they are."

So... he was unhappy that she had given the notebook to Mikami? At least, that was what she thought he was trying to say. Had he wanted to speak to Rem about something? Or... had he wanted Rem's notebook?

"I could... bring her by?"

"I'm sure she will be too occupied with her new relationship. Besides, no one is supposed to know I'm alive."

She admired Light's ability to spin the conversation. He really made it sound like Rem was just a friend of hers. It was sort of depressing also, because it was something she wasn't very good at herself. She wished she could just jump to the point and have him tell her exactly what was expected of her. She missed that about the beginning of their relationship. But... strangely, he seemed more affectionate since being held here by L... and she had to admit, she was almost glad it had happened if it let her be closer to him in that way.

Was that... wrong?

She bit the inside of her lip and stole over to Light, slipping her arms around him in a desperate hug. He remained motionless while she buried her face in the stiff cotton of his shirt, as if she had taken him by surprise. She knelt at his side and scrunched her eyes closed, praying that he would banish the cold at her back by turning and completing the circle of the embrace. She wanted reassurance. She needed it. He was her idol, and she'd come too far to think he might not have a use for her any longer. Could he sense her thoughts? Did he know she desired his imprisonment if only it let her receive his affections? Would he discard her for such a thing? I...wouldn't blame him, but...doesn't he know it's only because I love him?

She felt tears well up in her eyes as finally, finally, he turned and his arms moved to hold her.

"How long is the second Kira expecting you to be here?" he asked softly.

---

"I'm expected back in the morning," the blonde girl said.

Light looked upon her bowed head apathetically. Morning... I don't have to wonder much at what you thought might happen in that time. "It is a shame I won't be able to spend those hours with you." He stroked her hair, feeling the sudden tension at his words start to fade again. "You know it wouldn't be allowed," he murmured.

"I..." Misa's hand on his leg tightened a little and then went limp. "I...know."

Light felt detached, as if he were a spectator in this little scene, and not a participant. Just like L, who would be watching via the cameras. And in a way, he was...because this was not himself with Misa, but a great actor who was seeking to exploit every bit of dramatic flair at his disposal.

Yet, close to his heart was the dread of facing L again after another of these scenes - the basis for their argument. It didn't sit right, and he found that he wanted to punish the other boy for it. He wanted to make this situation with Misa stab at his dark-eyed friend's emotions and caring until he felt the same discomfort Light felt.

No, more.

He wanted L to be hurt more so that he could claim to be in control of things. So that he had some sort of anchor in the swirling abyss of untested feelings that were consuming him piece by piece.

It was frantic, this desire to retaliate. It was unstable. And it was unfettered enough that it blew freely like paper in a storm, plastering against and obscuring other feelings. It was masking his disgust for intimacy with Misa enough that he could engage in it, yet remain whole. He could go through the motions without being present, focusing only on the misery he sought to wring from the detective.

He was careful to make sure she knew that more than kisses would not be borne. He would not defile himself with her. He could feel the chaos and hatred that would ensue, and the blame he would pile on the other boy - making it all his fault. It would damage them, it would.

Why do you bring out this part of me, L?

Enemies, friends, it's all the same. It's all steeped in this intensity and it makes me want to break you as I choke on it.

Lust or fear in your eyes... either one lets me breathe. Either one makes me want to devour you until there is nothing left.

---

TBC

A/N: On a lighter note..... Mini poll!

Do you prefer reading LxLight or LightxL?

I have not dismissed the thought of doing a few short stories or one-shots when this is complete, so.... I'm wondering what the masses tend to go for. ;D