Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ Frayed Bonds of Trust ( Chapter 26 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 26: Frayed Bonds of Trust)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Everyone! It was great hearing what you thought, and what your responses were to the poll!! I was so happy XD

I replied to pretty much every review this time (all but the last few), so let me know if you didn't get anything. This site is doing weird things for me lately (and i hope none of my responses were eaten!). 'Passing Reader' - mentally prepare a little.

Note on the notebooks: Some of you requested more info regarding location, who has what, do the Shinigami have to stay with the owner at all times, etc... At the end of the chapter, you can find my author's note on all of that. (I didn't feel it necessary to precede this chapter, so catch it after you finish if you want.)

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Chapter 26:

Light walked into the other room, leaving Misa in the common area. It was dark... broken only by the glow of a laptop, behind which his eyes placed L.

"Misa is tired and wishes to return to her room," Light said simply. Misa was the most benign thing that they could be talking about.

"Oh? Is that what she wishes?"

...or it could have been, had L allowed it.

L's dark eyes flicked up at him. They were empty, and yet so full at the same time. There was a palpable wall standing between the two of them, engorged on the jealousy, the mistrust, and the intensity that constantly felled them.

Light felt his head tilt in arrogance. "Perhaps not, but it's what I want."

L's thoughts were a mystery as his gaze weighed upon Light.

"Not that you would believe it," he continued, moving to the foot of the bed and looking down upon the detective. Shoulders tensed slightly under the muted white of his shirt. Gloom encased everything, and even that looked muddy and grey. "Though if you'd rather, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to suffer my company tonight."

L's lips compressed into a thin line.

"It would serve you right if I were to agree," the detective muttered harshly, closing the laptop and plunging them into darkness.

"Is that what you would like?" Light pressed him cruelly. "Then you could watch it all and tell me for certain if you thought I was faking it."

L brushed past him and out of the room without a word.

Light could hear his voice in the other room, could tell from the cadence that he was putting on his 'social mode'. He heard Misa laugh, and it spiked through him like hot nails. He ground his teeth. L was playing the game back at him, was he? Ridiculous! That the detective thought he could be swayed to jealousy over a pawn like Misa!

But it wasn't that, was it? No, it was merely L's interaction with someone other than himself that was making his blood boil. It had irked him earlier, hearing that L had obliged Misa with a shopping trip. Did she hang upon his arm and try to act all cute with him? He could see L's embarrassed, awkward smile in his head. He could picture the scene, Misa trying things on while L waited and asking for opinions. Had people seen them and mistaken them for a couple?

He wanted to snap her neck. L was his.

Light moved stealthily to the doorway, keeping in shadow. They were still there. He could just make out L's face. The tension seemed nonexistent as the two of them conversed. It was a far cry from the face he'd seen only moments ago. Acting like that, people would perceive them to be a couple. It was infuriating! He wanted his mark on L to be carved so deep that no one would ever make that mistake. Must I really break you to pieces?

There was a brief moment, before he could move back, that L's eyes seemed to find his in the darkness and lock on. Knowing. Had L known he would be standing there watching? Had he?

The dark eyes broke their hold, leaving him even more restless than before as the detective resumed his interaction with the girl. Light clenched his fist. Oh, you are playing games with me, aren't you, Ryuuzaki...

He contemplated all of what he might do to thwart his dark-haired adversary's lead. Misa was the best pawn for either of them to use, it seemed, regardless of her relative unimportance. Should I make a scene with her in front of you? Force you to endure a lengthy goodbye kiss? Or should I take it even further...?

L must have felt the tenor of his thoughts because he began leading the blonde to the door.

Light languidly bit at a fingernail, his eyes narrowing. L would walk her to her room... make sure she was locked in tight... and then he would be back.

Perhaps he had given L too much rein, if this mutinous behavior was any indication. Having secured the illusion of control in their sexual encounters seemed to have made the detective overly confident. Perhaps now was time to pull things back to the way he wanted.

---

L returned to the room he shared with Light much later than he intended.

There was an odd feel pervading the space that slowed his steps to ones of caution. Incongruously, the bedroom was ablaze with light, a stark contrast to the mood the brunette had displayed prior.

He'd sensed Light's eyes on him earlier, watching from the black shadows, unseen. It had unsettled him, though it also made him feel triumphant - that he had guessed what would light the fuse of the other boy's jealousy, despite all the posturing he was prone to. Light had been trying to remain aloof and deal out sharp barbs, and yet...there he was obsessively watching L's interaction. Jealous. He was such a contrary creature. He was possessive, but loath to admit it. Did he view it as a weakness?

L deposited his laptop on the table.

He eyed the bedroom.

He did not particularly enjoy the prospect of picking up where their last meeting - or the fight before that - had left off. He had been shaken earlier - not sure what to do in the face of the brunette's outburst in the shower. He truly had felt as if he were less than nothing, the words picking sharply at his insecurities. Later on, he felt anger seeping through his numbness... but it was wrapped up in self-hatred and fear and was not entirely useful. He was afraid that even such a display from Light might be calculated. He couldn't stop such thoughts, even as he'd flinched back from the wrathful shaking in the brunette's voice.

So, despite feeling low, he pursued the path to knowledge. It was all he had. He gave Light and Misa space in the hopes that they would spill their secrets and he tested the brunette's intentions by deliberately provoking his jealousy. The first, he was certain had been successful, though it required more careful attention. He had not been able to focus properly as he watched. The second... was perhaps more successful than he had anticipated.

All he could hope for is that Light would have laid to rest his truly ugly mood in the spirit of working things out.

...It wasn't much of a hope.

The chances, in reality, were slim to none. But optimism could often turn the tide, couldn't it?

The doorway loomed before him. He didn't see Light as he approached from the dimness of the common area. In the bathroom, perhaps? He listened and thought he heard the faucet running. Or was that water draining?

He stepped into the room, noting the door to the bathroom was closed before a rough hand closed upon his mouth and nose. An arm encircled his torso and bound his arms to his sides. The noise of surprise strangled itself quietly, devoid of the air it needed to make itself truly heard. L struggled in a panic as his first attempt to draw breath failed.

"You've been gone a while," a dark voice said in his ear.

The water noise had stopped. It must have been the sink draining. A simple distraction. Stupid of him to have fallen for it.

"It makes me wonder what you've been up to."

The voice was one he knew well. One he'd be able to place in an instant had the situation been different. But air, AIR. It was all he could think of. Pressure was building up in his head and it was almost like being underwater. His vision was starting to fade at the edges, turning grey. He tried to kick, tried to wrench his mouth open to bite the hand covering it, but the lack of oxygen was making him weak. He couldn't do it properly. He twitched as his lungs shuddered emptily.

All of a sudden, he was released. He slumped limply to the floor, coughing and gasping in sweet, cool lung-fulls of air.

He dimly registered his hands being pulled behind his back, but marked it unimportant as long as it did not impede his breath.

More alarming was that something was being twisted about his wrists, binding them together. L wrenched at his arms, tried to turn around to see, but darkness dropped over his eyes as cloth bound his sight as well.

The merest sliver of the room's light crept under the blindfold, driving home to him how helpless he had become at this moment as he was pulled to his feet. He held fast against the frantic tremors that encroached upon his chest like a vice and trickled through his arms, ignoring them and his accelerating heartbeat. His mouth was dry, but he spoke as if unaffected, "If you release me, I'll be willing to overlook-"

"Don't make me gag you."

Stiff, unyielding, cutting. L swallowed. It was the Kira aspect of Light's voice that had thrown him off at first. His brain simply hadn't wanted to register it.

"Now tell me..." The voice was curdled pleasantry. "Why were you away so long? I don't believe such a simple task would have taken so much time."

"..." L did not want to admit he'd planned to drag his feet, knowing and wanting it to make Light even more jealous. Misa had been uncharacteristically chatty, which had stalled his return past the point he'd intended to make Light wait, but even then part of him had drifted back to the brunette with slight smugness as he imagined the other boy's growing impatience.

Stupid. Stupid!

If he'd had any idea this was what he'd be coming back to, he would not have done it in the first place. Dammit, he thought desperately. Why can't you react like a normal person?

"I don't appreciate your games, L," LightKira warned.

The brunette was pulling the neck of L's shirt aside - a simple thing that seemed to take forever, deliberate as it was, done with the delicacy required for unearthing vulnerability. It was at odds with his tightly bound hands and the blindfold that felt so heavy over his eyes. L felt anxiety scrabbling in his chest as lips touched his bared skin. Kira was not a pleasant master. Was it too late to coax Light back to the surface?

"I despise being toyed with," the brunette said, nipping at his skin with increasing force as he trailed up L's neck.

Each touch jagged through him. "It was not my intention," L tried to say evenly, fearing the pain he knew was coming. Waiting for it only made it worse.

"You were either late entertaining the girl," he implied infidelity, "or late because you thought to win some small triumph against me. Can you guess which one displeases me more?"

Teeth tested his flesh. The wrong answer would hurt, they promised. "We were merely talking," L clarified, not wanting to suffer for a technicality. He heard the slight tremor in his voice and damned the weakness it displayed. "But I would say that the latter is what-"

He broke off in a hoarse cry as teeth broke his skin and held him.

He couldn't see, but had he been able, he knew his vision would be swimming. The other boy had found a sensitive spot, and the sharp pain there was turning his stomach while it made rubber of his legs.

"Wrong answer," Kira stated, licking the wound he'd inflicted with a long, slow sweep of his tongue. "Care to try again?" he murmured in L's ear.

L felt the prickling heat of tears forming in his eyes. He hated Kira. Hated him. It was almost a blessing he wasn't mocked with seeing Light's face attached to that voice or these deeds. "NO," he rasped. "What do you want from me?"

He was starting to shake. Uncertainty was taking over his mind, and his impaired sight only heightened his awareness of every movement of the person behind him. The person who would know well enough that anger was his last rally and defense against things that made him feel weak, scared or desperate.

He waited for a response, the tension riding through his body increasing with every passing second.

He waited to be mocked, prodded, or abused...something....something to break the chill silence...something to dispel the feel of eyes upon him, dissecting him and savoring his discomfort.

He stumbled as he was pushed forward roughly, his eyes blinking wide unseeingly and straining against the darkness as if he could make his vision return through sheer effort. Something struck against his shins, pinning them, cushioned but unyielding. The bed? His stomach lurched.

Kira's body pressed against his back, and the bed against his legs. He couldn't move. Kira's hands smoothed down his own, which lay entrapped behind him, curling around the cloth that cut off the circulation at his wrists and holding him suspended above this precipice. No doubt trying to make the anticipation of what may happen next break his self-possession with anxiety.

"What do I want from you," Kira's voice snaked into his ear, a harsh whisper.

The hands on his bonds dragged downwards and suddenly his balance was a very fragile thing.

"I want everything you possibly have to give." Breath was hot against his ear. "And for what you cannot give me, I want everything I can take." Dark...that voice...dark and harsh and devoid of compassion. L's throat constricted at the sound of it. His heart began beating in a staccato flutter against the cage of his chest.

The laughter came then, slow and self-satisfied.

L felt his panic rising, sloshing over the walls that formed the reservoir of calm, rational thought. "Oh, I don't want to kill you, L." Kira said breathlessly, twisting his bound arms at an abnormal angle. L made a choked noise, as if his protest could stay the progression of that excruciating movement. "I just want to tear you open."

Calm, L thought futilely.

((I'm panicking))

Calm!

Kira's lips sought his, and he fought it, struggling again, madly. It was Light's mouth, but it was savage. Any warmth it contained was a twisted mockery, it was more truly the heat of conquest. Of power. It was brutal and debilitating. It ravaged him with disregard. Taking, taking.

He wanted to ask again: Why are you doing this? But even had he the option of forming the words, he would not have heard any response that could ease the clenching in his chest nor the spinning of his head.

He couldn't fathom this part of Light surfacing now after it had seemed successfully suppressed. Surfacing now, doing what it was doing now, it was destroying everything. His trust in the brunette was shattering. Perhaps it had been too much to hope he could control this part, that he could banish the personality or keep it in check.

He was snapped from his thoughts as he was released and shoved forward, his mind clawing wildly as he fell.

"Stop thinking," Kira demanded harshly as L's body hit the mattress. "Stop analyzing me!" L struggled to right himself, his deadened arms dug into his back unpleasantly. He did not want to be in this position. Horizontal was bad. Helpless. He needed-

A hand on his chest forced him down again. Legs straddled him and gave him no leverage with which to work. "Light, stop this," he said desperately, "you aren't thinking clearly-"

"Shut up!" the other boy snarled, clutching L's throat. "You're the one at fault! You're mine and yet you resist me at every turn, try to bend me to your will and I won't have it." His voice lowered, wrapping itself in resolve, "I've obviously been far too lenient, and if I have to make you bleed in order to show you just who is in control here, so be it."

L thrashed but he had nowhere to go. He had no way to stop the hand that was baring his torso and unfastening his jeans.

He had no way to avoid facing the fact that even in his extreme distress, his body could not help but respond to the boy above him.

There must be something wrong with him - that fear and anxiety of this extent were not enough to kill the misbegotten reaction. But it had happened this way before. The last time, he'd had a taser to use to vanquish his shame before it could fully manifest. This time, he had nothing. His assailant's lack of forethought in this had actually called L's bluff.

It had seemed the perfect way to contain him - Light never would have guessed he'd done away with true measures of holding. But L cursed himself for not retaining a backup. Though if that backup had been discovered, it would have negated his bluff in the first place.

"Gnngh!" L clenched his teeth as Kira marked him. Sounds of pain only seemed to drive the other to become more creative, so L struggled for silence. Stray whimpers escaped his throat and mortified him as the brunette alternately offered him torment and pleasure.

It was too much. L panted as his skin ached and burned, shying from touch yet welcoming it. Kira's attentions were blistering, robbing him of strength and self-preservation.

"I love you like this, L," Kira said against his mouth in a passionate whisper. "Exist only to please me."

L shuddered, horrified that those words could affect him, repulsed that he couldn't fully reject the sensual tongue that slid past his lips or the mouth that was suffocating him.

He fell into the gentle motion, the lack of hurt. He lapped it up, just as he was meant to and he hated himself for it. Hated himself for the thready moan that broached his lips as Kira touched him. You're disgusting. Filthy. Depraved.

((Stop it!))

"You don't need anyone else, do you, L..." Kira's voice was rich and heady, seeming to come from everywhere as those slender fingers unraveled him with their motions. "...only me." So self-assured, so confident, telling him what to believe, blasphemous truth that it was.

His protest betrayed him, forming instead a string of sounds that spilled from his mouth in damning affirmation.

The hand that had been upon his throat now stroked his face distractingly, soothingly, as his mouth was spread open and devoured anew. Gentle, encouraging caresses were his companion as he lost himself to the possessive oppression of their linked mouths and his failing body. The opposite of the demanding hand upon his flesh that dragged his pleasure from him in sharp, calculated movements.

His body stuttered as he lost the last of his will.

Blank.

Everything felt blank.

He was dimly aware of his ragged breathing.

The feeling throbbing in his chest was not one he wished to name or acknowledge. It was too bitter to own...

It intensified and curdled as awareness drifted back enough to remind him this scene had yet to play itself out. He swallowed thickly as he heard the fall of discarded clothing. He couldn't move, and he could not feel anything of his arms. Or at least he couldn't until hands rolled him over onto his stomach. All of a sudden, blood rushed back into his limbs in a flurry of hot needles. L cried out in muted pain and writhed as it got worse.

"It will pass," said a voice in his ear.

L couldn't gauge the feeling behind it, but abandoned the attempt when he felt his thighs being parted. That awful feeling in his chest grew uglier as fingers moved to pave the way for further depravation. "No..." he moaned weakly against the intrusion. He tried to force life within his limbs, tried to crawl away, gaining nothing for his troubles but a bracing arm bearing down upon his back.

"Shhh," the voice soothed. It wasn't comforting. It was an order.

He couldn't quantify that voice any longer. Kira? Light? The cadences and tone blended until he could no longer decipher it, his constant companion through this, and to whom being it belonged. For Kira could hide himself so well in faux kindness, just as Light could give himself up to Kira's dark fits of rage.

His hips were tilted with firm hands to meet the press of his tormentor's arousal. He tried to prepare himself for the discordant feeling, but couldn't get past the swirling panic that started to drown him as soon as slick pressure bore down on him, demanding entrance with forceful intent. There was no pause, just the creeping, unyielding push that wouldn't stop. It would split him apart if he fought it. But how could he not fight it?

"Please," he pleaded with little breath. "If you do this, I'll never forgive you."

Lips laid kisses along his shoulder. "...never truthful," the other boy murmured.

L's momentary surprise was his undoing. He'd dropped his guard for only a moment, but it was enough for the other boy to breach his body's defenses. He clenched his teeth as the heat of the brunette's flesh forced its way inside, making him gasp as he was stretched to accommodate more and more of that unbearable desire.

It was terrible. Untenable. He wanted to curse the brunette as the other paused, now fully sheathed, the warmth of his body covering L's own. But the smooth feel of passion-slicked skin touching his backside and pressing him into the mattress caused distressing sparks of pleasure to manifest amidst the pain, so he cursed himself instead.

And it was so much worse when the other began to move.

Silence was impossible.

Any discomfort was transforming itself insidiously into craving. Even when the other boy became more rough, thrusting into him in a manner that should have caused misery, it all warped itself into fuel for this unwanted desire.

"I knew you wanted this," Light's voice was heavy in his ear, breathless and lustful.

"You're wrong," L ground out.

"Am I?" The tone was liquid, sure, so disarming in the sensual quality of it.

Light rolled him onto his side then, raising L's Leg and penetrating even deeper, even harder. L cried out, unable to staunch the sound.

The blindfold was hot on his burning face. It reminded him that the room was not dark to the other boy's eyes as it was to his. He was utterly exposed and at the brunette's mercy. His body shook under the barrage of those punishing thrusts, under the sick pleasure that slid throughout his every nerve.

He felt his flesh twitch even before the brunette took it in hand.

"Is this evidence of your disinterest, Ryuuzaki?" The humid voice sent tremors racing through him, bringing the cloud of mindless oblivion that was the precursor to losing control. He wouldn't. Not like this.

Light's skin burned like a brand along his back, as did his stroking hand, and his fevered lips upon L's cheek.

Not...like...this...

"I hate y-" L tried to get out, only to find the words swallowed when wandering lips graced his with an indulgent kiss.

A kiss.

It was only a kiss.

L's body snapped under the force of his release. He agonized that something so simple as a kiss had peaked his pleasure so wildly - that such a thing could break through his reserve, that such a thing had felt somehow more intimate than everything else in that moment.

He was laid bare to sensation of Light's body moving within his, brushing sensitive areas everywhere as the other boy sought his own satisfaction deep within L's body. He couldn't help the pale moans he uttered as pleasure continued to fizzle through him, or the jerks of his body as Light rhythmically touched a place that dragged a second orgasm impossibly closer.

"Ryuu...zaki..." Light breathed through clenched teeth as his body tensed. He buried himself within L several more times,before he lost the ability and his body spent itself. L shuddered once more, burdened by the sensations and the erotic vocalization of the name that only Light ever used, and then he was was aware of nothing.

---

Light held L's limp body close to him as he fought to regain his breath.

The other boy's dark hair was damp and clung in fine tendrils to the flushed skin of his graceful neck.

Light felt a sudden surge of annoyance for the shirt that lay twisted about L's arms and shoulders, but knew he was only projecting his irritation to a more easily acceptable target. He undid the knot of cloth at the back of L's head and flung the makeshift blindfold away. He would not be forgiven for this.

Despite what he had said earlier, he knew that he would not.

Light curled about L's pale, lean body and tried not to think about it. Tried not to be caught in the endless circles of logic his mind wished to pursue in order to justify this.

This, the evidence of his feelings for the other boy, displayed in the worst way possible. The abomination of his hurt and his jealousy as they twisted together. Perhaps L would think he'd lost control again, that Kira had possessed him. Perhaps he should play along with the prettier lie that that presented.

I am an ugly human being.

Wasn't love supposed to redeem the piteous creatures that humans were, and transform them into something glowing, noble, and better than the sum of their faulty parts? Wasn't that the ideal that was so often purported?

Why then?

Why had such a thing been able to darken his soul to this extent?

"Why is it that you cannot understand me?" he whispered, closing his eyes and hiding his face in soft black hair. If only he were not susceptible to jealousy, to rage, to this fear of the strong emotions he'd developed for the boy in his arms and the desire to conquer that by being in control. If only Ryuuzaki hadn't accused him so many times of not caring, of faking. If only L had not attempted to make him jealous...

If only he could stop blaming everyone but himself for the way things went wrong.

He grimaced as he heard the replay of L's pleading, of his own callous disregard. He could be so shortsighted. He'd needed, and he'd taken. L had reacted, though he fought, and Light had washed his own concerns away on that one line of thought. Because L had reacted. He'd disregarded L's feelings and trust... all the important things had paled beyond his goal of possession.

He didn't want this clarity of thought.

Not now.

Not now that reality had wormed its way in, souring his victory and turning it rancid with regret.

"I'm sorry," he uttered faintly, not caring if he was heard. L was going to have to dispose of him now, surely. In hindsight, it was the cracking of their foundation he'd heard in the background of gasps, moans, and ragged breathing. It was the sound of their unsteady relationship falling to ruin.

What use did the world have for a god that was such a failure?

What moral ground did he hold over those he disposed of?

How could he revel in the tearing down of the person he liked best? How could he want that so badly and then hate himself so desperately once the craving was sated?

Was I always this fucked up?

Have I been projecting all this time - finding fault with everything around me when the deepest fault has always been within myself?

No, no, it was too simplistic. For there were far more grievous faults in those around him. The murderers... the rapists...

((Crimes to which you could now claim ownership.))

Am I becoming them?

I'm now guilty of the same. Does purging the world of filth require you to become that which you despise? That which you would seek to remove? If I cleansed the world, I would be the only one left; I would be the only one left to mar a pure world. My goal would have me destroy myself in order to achieve its completion.

Or is it just for a corrupt god to rule, so long as the lies that surround him are seamless and his subjects never discover the truth?

Lies, lies, lies.

I used to hate lies. I still do.

But lies are all that I will have left.

No wonder Kira had become a separate persona. What I've been doing has been at odds with my nature. I saw it as soon as I began to piece myself back together. Kira was the method by which I would achieve my goal and remain whole. When the new world was created and complete, Kira would have stepped back into the shadows, and 'Light' would step to the fore, self-righteous and pure.

How laughable it was.

How perfectly pathetic.

Even if I were of a mind to abandon it all, he thought with disgust, I cannot. Ryuuk... is there no way around Ryuuk? ((What does it matter? L will want you destroyed after this.))

He ignored that other inner voice and the unease that settled within him with cold grasping fingers. Tried to ignore it... but couldn't. Restlessness itched through him. He sat up, putting distance between himself and the body of the one he'd betrayed. It was as if touching the purity of that white skin would further taint it. Touching it might turn it black.

Light stared at his hands.

Nothing was different. ((murderer...)) But they felt different. ((rapist...))

He glanced at L. Dark eyes were still closed. His breathing was still even, suggesting sleep.

Bruises blossomed on his pale skin like sickened roses. It was a beautiful contrast. Just as the inky black of soft hair was lovely against the whiteness of his cheek and the smooth curve of his neck.

Light almost moved to touch, but the tawny color of his hand ruined the scene. It did not belong.

He pulled the edge of L's white shirt down to cover his skin, as far as it could go without waking him. He unbound reddened wrists then stood so he could fold the bed's blanket over the other boy as well.

"I'm sorry," he murmured again, as if the words were a mantra that had the power to erase deeds. The room felt claustrophobic and garish with its blazing light.

Light walked to the doorway of the room, looked out into the common area where he could plainly see the unguarded laptop on the table. He stared at it a moment, then turned away. He didn't care.

He stepped back into the bedroom, glancing at L's unmoving form. Still asleep? That won't last long. You never did like to be unaware.

He cut the light, plunging the room into calming, secretive darkness. It was a relief from the illumination that seemed to expose everything so coarsely. He moved across the floor quietly and shut himself into the bathroom. He stood a moment in the near dark, the night-light offering paltry brightness, wondering if he should bother flipping on the light switch as he stared at the specter of himself in the mirror.

Deep shadows made holes of his eyes, and clung to his naked body in ghoulish accent. He stared into his own face and felt that it was not his own. All of his sins seemed branded upon this other person, worn like a cloak of achievement, present in the self-satisfied smile that turned those lips upward. He stepped closer and looked into that face, into the shaded eyes that gleamed with reflected light, and thought that he could very nearly apply the word evil.

(.(Stand before a darkened mirror if you want to see the true face of humanity).)

He turned from the mirror and went into the shower, deciding he could see well enough to forgo the overhead light. Beneath the scalding spray, he wondered if he would ever again feel clean.

---

L stared into the darkness of the room, having been awake for some time, the running water of the shower a backdrop to his conflicting thoughts.

---

TBC

A/N: As promised... Here is a little clarification.

Note on the notebooks:

NOTEBOOK AND MEMORY

In this fic, I am choosing to operate by the principle that memories of the Death Note, Shinigami, etc., can be regained and retained by merely touching the notebook. I believe this is canon, but if not, consider it to be an element of AU.

SHINIGAMI

The Shinigami are not required to spend all of their time with the human they are possessing, the owner of the notebook. They can, but they don't have to. Rem sticks with Misa a lot, by choice, as does Ryuuk with Light, though Ryuuk is more prone to wandering. Even when Mikami takes ownership of Rem's note, Rem spends most of her time with Misa (this is mentioned right before Misa meets up with L, when Misa asks if it is ok that Rem is with her instead of... (it was a vague hint at there being a different 2nd Kira from Misa herself))

Rem and Ryuuk both have their own notebooks. Done. The ones they loan out are Jealous' (to Misa) and Sidoh's (to Light). For the sake of sanity, if I refer to 'Ryuuk's notebook', or 'Rem's notebook', I probably mean one of those, and not the Shinigami's personal notebook unless I specifically say that it is. ((Ryuuk wears his personal notebook on his hip.)) OK!

NOTEBOOK - LIGHT

Now, Light has Ryuuk's (really, Sidoh's) notebook which he has hidden. He couldn't know way back when he was brought in by L (bondage!), that he would be unable to do anything on his own, or use the note. OR even that he would be brought under lock and key in the first place. Luckily for him, he defaults to hiding it, so this was not really a problem.

NOTEBOOKMISA, MIKAMI

Misa has Rem's notebook (Jealous') and actively uses it, up until recently. As Light discovers, she no longer has the Shinigami eyes, and no longer has the Death Note. She has given up ownership of the notebook to Mikami, and he has traded for the eyes himself. Misa touched the notebook after giving it up, so she does regain her memories of it, but she loses the Shinigami eyes as soon as she forfeits ownership. She had to give up the note entirely instead of lending it to him or else Mikami would not be able to make the eye trade, which was necessary to keep her out of suspicion for being the second Kira since she'd already been killing by face alone.

Basically, Misa figured that to be convincing as the second Kira, Mikami would need all the tools at his disposal. She had to give up the note or else he would not be able to trade for the eyes. She had been killing people that way - people that weren't broadcasted - so if that were to suddenly change, L could suspect another change in ownership. This would leave Misa in the cone of suspicion as having at some point been the second Kira. L could assume that she was lending the power to someone else, and was still very dangerous (and guilty). The entire point of everything was to keep Misa out of suspicion and out of harm's way. Neither she nor Rem would mind Mikami taking a fall if he got caught. It was not their concern.

In addition, Misa has the plan to try and get at L. 'L' was supposed to meet 'the second Kira' directly, at which point Mikami could see and write the name. When they meet, Misa points out that neither of them are who they are supposed to be. (In Misa's p.o.v. this is true as she knows him as Ryuuzaki and cannot see is name. By L's p.o.v., this is utterly false; he believes she is the second Kira at the time but plays along when she says she is not.) Misa was certain that Ryuuzaki was not L, which she stated (and Mikami was able to hear by phone) so that plan changed - she demanded to see the 'real L' and Light as well (thanks to Ryuuk).

Other than some specifics regarding the 'detective L' and Light, Mikami was given free rein to divert attention from Misa. It worked very well. (Yes, both she and Rem were afraid that she would not be able to keep up with being the second Kira. It was only a matter of time before she messed up and L was already honing in on her)

IN CLOSING

I hope this wasn't too convoluted. It was pieced together from questions people asked, my answers to them, as well as a lot of guesswork on my part on what had people confused. (Some of your questions were not specific on that, so I tried to just cover it all). Thank you for voicing your questions in the first place! I endeavor to make everything clear in the story itself, but I suppose it is inevitable that I am not always successful. :) If any of you have questions in the future, ask away. :D