Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ A Devil's Affections ( Chapter 27 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 27: A Devil's Affections)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Your reviews this time were especially deep, thought-provoking and wonderful. Several of them really moved me, and I want to thank you for that. I found myself wishing I could speak with the people that wrote such poignant things... if any of you have LJ, look me up? There is a link on my FF(dot)net profile.

p.s. Time has not allowed me to reply to all of you yet. We had company visiting all week, and any spare time I used for writing. I'm working on the end which is turning out to be quite interesting. ^^ But, I thought I should get this update out there, and do responses later. (Expect them! XD)

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A/N 2: Addressing the questions others have had...

(Abi) About the soup... (I LOL about that!) Light did indeed eat some without complaint in ch. 22 after announcing he hated it in ch. 8. You could see that as an inconsistency, OR you could see that as Light being his usual, snotty self in ch. 8, saying things that aren't necessarily true in order to get what he wanted. After the food was ordered, he did decide he wanted the chicken skewers - saying he preferred them to the soup may not have gotten him his way.

About the girlfriends.... you got me. (reference: Light says to L that his list of girlfriends would be a long one, despite Graham saying earlier that Light had not been known to date before Misa.) You could do mind tricks to make it be consistent, such as Graham or other students being unaware of Light's dating activities before Misa ... but even then, it was something that wasn't meticulously planned out, and was written in the moment.

Thank you for mentioning those though. It keeps me trying even harder to not slip up. :)

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About the death Note and memories.... There was an author's note last chapter. (That bit is a little AU. I tried to avoid going AU on anything, but in this area I found it necessary. My apologies for that!)

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Chapter 27:

L lay in the darkness, his skin feeling smothered by the weight of the blanket his rapist had so kindly placed over his abused body.

'I'm sorry.'

Twice he'd heard those words. The first instance, he hadn't been certain of as it filtered through his hazy mind while he was coming back to himself. It seemed an impossible thing, so out of place, but he'd kept quiet and feigned sleep and by the end he'd heard it once more.

The incongruity of it was nearly as prominent as it had been with the brunette's later behavior.

He'd read before that rape was about power, about demeaning someone in order to elevate yourself. What cause would Light have had to then apologize? What tactic could it embody when he believed L to be asleep? What sort of logic would explain that action, or the fact that Light had held him close afterwards and even seen to his comfort?

If it was all about power, and Light's restless behavior was due only to his anticipation of punishment...

Then Light would have kept him bound. He would have prolonged his victory because he knew he would reap what he had sown - any illusions of L's having been shattered irreparably. He would wring everything he could from the situation for as long as he could. He could have done so much more... with L immobile, he would have access to the laptop and even a phone. L had listened to Light's footsteps as he'd moved around. They had paused at the doorway. He had considered the laptop. He had. But why then had he dismissed it?

L sat up, wincing at the discomfort of his wooden limbs.

Could it be that Light was reticent, having come back to himself after not being in control? Was all of this merely his reaction to Kira's work? If it were so, then Light would be playing everything safe. And, he will apologize to my face. He will want his appearances. He will weave his dismay and regret about every action, working to save face and save his life.

L glanced at the bathroom door, wincing again at the stiffness in his neck where he'd been bitten so harshly. The skin felt swollen and, when he touched it, left faint streaks of red on his fingers. The shower had been running for some time now. Curiously, he saw no light beneath the door. He had the urge to open it. He had the urge to confront the boy inside and see for himself what lies that mouth would choose to offer him.

There was also the urge to wrench him out of there by the back of his neck - to pay back at least a little of the pain and humiliation he'd received.

But the anger wasn't as blinding as he would have expected. Even as he regarded the raw, chaffed skin of his wrists or the darkening bruises on his torso and legs. He felt oddly... detached.

Am I suffering from shock?

If so, what a delightful defense mechanism the human body housed. It was a shame that the effect was sure to wear off and leave him incapacitated. Should I confront him head on before that happens? Am I even in my right mind to?

L pulled his boxers up over his hips and tugged his long sleeved shirt back into place with clumsy hands. He shifted towards the edge of the bed and stood experimentally, his legs shaking beneath his weight. The stab of pain that jolted within him at the movement made his stomach heave.

He staggered to the bathroom door, deciding it would serve the other boy right to be barged in on.

...his own fault if I get sick in front of him.

His thoughts were muddy. L realized he actually felt rather ill and couldn't muster up much conviction or anything else past his awareness of it.

The door was unlocked. He wrapped his hand around the door frame, resting against it as he flipped the light on and tried to weather the thick steam as it made his head spin. He really didn't want to get sick. He would prefer not to.

Tension simmered in the air. He'd felt it as soon as he'd entered - the pregnant pause that indicated the other boy's focus had snapped onto him with surprise. There was no motion from the silhouette in the shower.

Now that he was in here, L wasn't sure what to do. He still hadn't ruled out the need to empty his stomach, but was starting to suspect it would be less pleasant for himself than for the brunette who would inevitably witness it.

He took small steps to the sink. It was ridiculously hot in here. He turned on the faucet and dragged a line of toothpaste upon the bristles of his toothbrush, just for something to do. The sound of his brushing was lost in the clatter of droplets hitting shower tiles. Should I say nothing? Should I let him approach me with all of his petty excuses on his own time?

"I want to shower," L found himself saying in a dull, informative voice as he leaned upon the sink.

He thought it an inappropriate thing with which to break the silence, but it was so hot he couldn't even ascertain why he'd mentioned it, though it was the truth. His brain felt like it was melting, as if he were suffering heatstroke and that was the cause of his sluggish, sickly manner. He rinsed his brush and put it back in the holder. The smell of mint seemed overwhelming. His stomach was lurching. He left the balmy heat before Light could reply, intent on escaping it before it made him feel any worse.

The cool air of the bedroom was a blessed change. He breathed it in and lay back down, thankful that the spinning of his head was slowing and his stomach was settling. The running water stopped shortly thereafter.

He could almost fall asleep if it weren't for the fluttering anxiousness that was skirting his consciousness.

What was he going to do with Light?

And for what reason had he been showering in the dark like that?

The bathroom door opened quietly. Light emerged, his face devoid of expression, a towel wrapped around his waist. He immediately went to the closet and grabbed clothing at random, pulling it on over damp, bare flesh with military precision. His fingers were quick upon the buttons of the shirt, slowing only on the final one. Stalling...

Light turned his head slightly, face in profile, eyes averted. "The shower is free," he said over his shoulder. There was no inflection. No guilt, no concern, no fear, no anything. Empty.

No games to start?

"Is that all you have to say for yourself?" Ah, there was the prickling of annoyance that would bring in the flood of his own anger.

"What would you have me say?" the brunette responded, the flat cadence of his voice was the same as before.

"..." L recognized this mood. It was the self-depreciating mode he'd seen the other boy fall to at times, often followed by a swift spat of anger. "Anything would suffice," he said stonily. He would force the brunette to speak if he must. He wouldn't allow this sort of disregard. To be offered no explanation for the behavior he'd been made to endure...

L couldn't describe the expression that flickered for a moment across Light's face, that lingered in his golden eyes.

"Perhaps I should ask how you are feeling?" Light said offhandedly, stinging him with the words though there was no skillful cruelty in the way they were delivered. "Or would that be tasteless of me?" Light's tone was sharpening. He was trying to incite L's anger, warming up to the task with carefully chosen words.

L had no desire to suffer the inevitable turn of the exchange had he indulged his first, outraged response. Instead he said, "Help me sit up."

Surprise flashed naked across the brunette's face before being being buried beneath the veneer of apathy. "If you wish."

L did not need the assistance. He wanted to force the other boy to deal with him, and he wanted to ruin that reserved poise. He wanted Light close enough for him to discern any subtleties of expression or body language he might otherwise miss.

Light's wary approach belied his unease. His averted eyes further spoke of it, contradicting his otherwise cool exterior. He hesitated to touch L, but did so, his hands feeling less than steady as he did as requested.

"You would not be surprised if I said that I hated you...?" L queried sharply before Light could pull away. Those hands jerked slightly.

"No," he responded, his tone more guarded than before.

"But it bothers you," L said bluntly, latching onto the brunette's discomfort, wringing it relentlessly with his scrutiny. "Why is that?"

Light looked away.

"Why were you showering in the dark?" L pressed.

Light was silent.

"Why was the water so hot? Why didn't you try to use the laptop when you could?" A frown tugged at Light's stoic mask. L didn't expect answers now, he was leading up to something, setting a pace with the flurry of questions. "Why do you only apologize when you think I can't hear you?"

The last one threw the brunette off guard, making him react. His mouth opened reflexively, as if to speak or to defend himself, before snapping shut again. Briefly widened amber eyes closed and averted, forced to half mast in a play of being disaffected.

"How do you expect anyone to understand you??"

"...I don't." So sullen...he seemed galled that L had been awake after all. That L could bring up things that were practically said in confidence.

"And that is your misfortune," L said tightly.

If only I could just hate you. How simple things would be. But no, you make me want the reason behind your actions before I judge you. And somehow your strange behavior thus far still has the ability to make me concerned for you. I can be beside myself with hurt and anger and still I am capable of worrying about you. I detest it! It isn't rational.

When L's focus moved outward again, he found Light's eyes upon him, caged and bleak as they studied him. Imperiousness was absent from his posture. He spoke, that cautiousness evident once more, "Misa is not the second Kira."

It was said like an offering, but L didn't for a moment have cause to believe him. Yet as well as he knew the brunette, he was certain this was no lie. "Why are you telling me this?"

"She cannot kill you. She does not have the eyes."

"Are you saying that she once was Kira?"

A pause. "Yes, but no longer."

"How does it benefit you to have me know this?" L said sharply.

A shadow crossed Light's face. "Must it benefit me? Do you think that is the foundation for all of my actions?"

"I do."

"Then I won't argue with you."

L stared into that impassive face. What are you hiding from me? What secret are you curling around and protecting so possessively?

"Even so," Light continued quietly, "Misa is in contact with the second Kira, and may have his ear. I would not do anything to incur her jealousy."

"Thank you for your 'concern', Yagami," L said with faux pleasantness. It was but a thin layer to cover his growing agitation and was intentionally transparent.

Anger flashed brightly in Light's eyes, but he reined it in.

L quite expected the brunette to start abasing him for his disbelief and his mocking attitude, as was typical when L questioned his sincerity, but he did not. The silence again. This silence was getting to L more than he would have thought possible, his mind racing to fill in blanks in the absence of information. But he didn't need his own speculations. They seemed worthless, since they were not the truth, and that rankled.

"What makes you think I would act in a manner that would make her jealous?" L remarked snidely.

Light gave him a droll look. "You did before," he said reflexively. He seemed to realize the second it left his mouth the opening he'd given L.

"Before?" L said, rounding on him with cutting words, "You mean before you erased from my mind any thought I might have entertained about you being a decent human being? Before that?" He knew he was pushing Light. He could feel the turmoil snapping like boiling water beneath the facade. Say something, damn you!

"Yes, before that," the other boy confirmed quietly, infuriatingly. "You're quite right, things will most undoubtedly be different now."

"And why wouldn't they be?" L raged, losing his cool. "You can't just do things like that to people and expect them to come back for more! But you'd know that. This had to be what you wanted, though it is beyond me as to why."

Light's head tilted slightly as he regarded L, digesting his outburst with a considering look. "Or perhaps nothing will change..." he said softly, almost as if to himself.

L was beside himself. You...you bastard!

"Bring me the laptop and then get out," L said coldly, rage shaking through his limbs. That Light could see even the barest evidence of his conflict, that he would take that weakness - that caring - as a sign that his grievous actions would be absolved... That he could even contain that sort of arrogance--

"DO IT," he barked out when Light made no move to comply.

Those eyes unnerved him. They settled on him like a caress as they searched for the key to pulling his mind apart. They were eyes that were not concerned with right or wrong. He could swear they were they eyes Light would have shown him had he not been blindfolded earlier. They had the power to render him motionless, to recall in him that desperate and panicked feeling that had tightened his throat.

He wanted to recoil as Light took a step towards him, but that would have been a mistake. He sat up, and slid a leg off the bed, threatening action. "Don't make me kill you, Light."

Something flickered in those golden eyes. Something convoluted and raw. The intensity of that gaze receded and became more normal, but shuttered.

"I would never make you do such a thing," Light said with a small, fake smile. His lips were turned up, but gave the impression of a frown.

As the brunette turned to leave the room, L saw all the expression slide from his aristocratic face as if it had been nothing but water.

---

The next morning dawned premature and excruciating, a fitting end to a sleepless night.

"Li~ight!" Misa sang petulantly from her place at the table, "It's late, couldn't you come to see me before now?"

Light found that his usual ire at the girl's frivolous attitude was notoriously absent. He couldn't even muster much annoyance. It was disconcerting to say the least.

"I told you I can't leave the room," he corrected her. "That is why Ryuuzaki escorts you here instead." It should have been harder to remain civil.

Misa flounced her black, goth-loli skirt, another purchase from her late night shopping trip with L, and still...

Nothing.

Not even a flicker of 'So-help-me-god, you annoy me to no end,' his usual reaction to her primping and attempts to be charming.

She batted her eyelashes at him and smiled cutely, taking his arm prisoner. The only pang he felt at that was unease. He'd had no idea how cutting L's displeasure with him could be. It was warranted, yes, but... I shouldn't have said that...

'Maybe nothing will change.'

He had correctly guessed at L's turmoil, that the feelings the detective possessed might offset his own punishment or death...but the fault lay in musing aloud. It hadn't been intentional. He had been taken by the swift flood of L's outburst, he'd seen the anger for what it was - a testament to the conflict between L's feelings for him and the detective's need to assuage his pride with retribution.

The anger... a sign that L did not like the tenor of his own thoughts...a sign that L felt weak for his indecision. A sign that he might have no choice but to let this go, because killing me would harm him as well.

It was perhaps unfair that he was aware of the possibility that L loved him, when it was not a confession made to his own ears. They both knew it put L at a disadvantage; a sticking point for the detective, as was evidenced. But Light had no intention of leveling the playing field. That would be beyond foolish. Nothing was to be gained from such an admission, were he even capable of voicing such an inconceivable thing. Caring... would you laugh, Ryuuzaki? Or would you strike my face, believing me to be mocking you with such a lie?

If love was a thing they both held towards each other, then it was most certainly a sentiment with a myriad of faces.

L's was composed of camaraderie - as was his own - but it felt straight-forward and honest. It was nothing like his own; the mire of dark, tar-like jealousy, and the sick, damaging will to possess - even at the ruination of the object of his desire.

Even Misa had her own form of 'love'. It was flitting and insubstantial, something that dwelled on the surface, blind to reality... yet it was strong enough. And most of all, harmless, showing him again how twisted his own mind seemed to be.

"Light, are you listening to me?"

Had she been speaking? He looked at Misa with benign eyes, and recalled something about breakfast. "It is ok to order anything you would like."

"But the Belgian waffles are huge. I really want them, but it would be a shame to let so much go to waste..."

"Just order them. I'm sure Ryuuzaki wouldn't mind finishing them as long as there was enough syrup for them to drown in." Light's back tensed as he invoked the name. They had not spoken since the night before. In fact, when L had ordered him out of the room, he couldn't bring himself to go back in, even to sleep. Luckily for him, the couch had not been horribly uncomfortable.

"That would be fine as long as you request a second plate."

Light could hear, under the pleasantness, L's annoyance with the suggestion. Despite the dark-haired detective's protests to the contrary, he harbored an avid dislike for Misa. He was also very particular with regards to his food, and the thought of sharing off of the same plate as someone else would likely set him into convulsions of disgust.

Ironic then, isn't it, that he shared food with me back in the beginning?

The map of L's feelings was spread clearly before Light. So many signs that he could look back upon and acknowledge. But it did him no good. He had broken the other's trust, and now pride was the roadblock between them. Pride. It is as large a force within L as it is within myself. What I did to him...would I not react the same? Would I not sacrifice everything else before my pride?

L made his way over to Misa's side to peer at the menu. "Gourmet blueberry syrup," he read, rolling the concept on his tongue. "Order four servings of that, two chocolate muffins and a pot of black coffee with a triple quantity of creamer and a half pound of sugar cubes on the side."

"Whaa??" Misa recoiled.

"Oh, well, I'm not feeling very hungry this morning." He glanced at Light briefly, just enough to lay blame and dismiss him, then he shuffled back over to the couch to continue his game of Sudoku.

Misa's head turned to follow him. "You want me to order? But I'm not--"

"It'll be fine," L said, waving a hand at her, which was all they could see of him over the back of the couch as he reclined. "It is charged to the room, so it doesn't matter who places the call. Light, give her your order."

Light knew L did not want him placing the call. The detective did not want to give him access to an outside line. It was an empty precaution. The phone had been in place next to the couch last night. Usually L was very careful to keep it unplugged, and out of Light's reach. Did L somehow still trust him? Or had he merely arranged for calls from this room to not go through to the outside world? The attempt would have been recorded, however. Yes, that made more sense. It was a test. L was giving him ample opportunity to hang himself with an attempt to escape.

"Is there anything healthy in there?" Light indicated the menu. "I'd hate to see the effects Ryuuzaki's taste in food would have on me, if his own appearance is anything to go by," he joked, in an oblique attempt to incite the other boy into acknowledging him.

Misa giggled and offered him a better view of the selections. Light skimmed them but was focused on L. He could feel a reaction taking place over there.

"God forbid if your appearance was anything less than perfect," L remarked blithely from the couch.

Light frowned. "Are you implying something, Ryuuzaki?"

"Yes, I do believe I'm calling you vain."

Light bristled. Vain?? Sure, he cared about how he looked, but was that not taking it a bit far?

"Hey now, Ryuuzaki," Misa stepped in, "my Light is not vain! He can't help that he is attractive."

The pages of the Sudoku book rustled as L moved on to the next puzzle. "Vain," he repeated off-handedly, not bothering to provide examples for something he implied was so obvious. "Oh, and conceited. But that's stating the obvious, is it not?"

"He is not!" Misa snapped. "Light is wonderful, and you know it!"

L poked his head up over the couch. "Do I?" he asked drolly. "Why would I have cause to think such a thing? You only believe it because you're blinded by your infatuation."

Misa huffed with indignation.

Light's gaze lingered on the other boy. L was, for the first time that Light could recall, wearing something other than his standard, low-neck white top. He'd had to don a shirt with a high enough neck to cover his bite-bruised skin.

It was a simple black turtleneck, something Light would tend to wear, but it looked strangely appealing against L's white skin and blended with his unruly, spiked hair. L had formed the habit of tugging distractedly at the high neck with his finger. He also seemed unused to the generally tighter fit of the garment, as compared to his usual baggy attire, which made him fidget self-consciously.

It was... endearing.

And Light could not shake the impression, nor the urge to be close to the other boy and crush him in an embrace and bury his face against soft, black, shampoo-scented hair. Even if L was being inordinately difficult at the moment.

"I AM NOT INFATUATED, I AM IN LOVE!"

"Misa, don't get angry," Light said diplomatically, "you know he's only teasing you."

She gave him a skeptical look. "Are you sure? He sounds serious to me."

"Ryuuzaki is a fan of deadpan humor. He's really rather good at it, which is why you can't tell that he's joking."

"Eeeh?" She glanced over at the couch with interest, but L had gone back to his puzzles.

"Misa, I'll have the egg croissant and the melon fruit cup." Light brought her back to the task at hand. "But you should order a second pot of coffee. Ryuuzaki can drink an entire one by himself."

"Awww, so he wasn't kidding about me ordering?" she whined.

Light conjured a believable smile. "Of course not. He probably figured that with your cute voice placing the order rather than one of us, we would get our meal much faster."

She blushed. "But your voice is so much nicer, I think that they would certainly..."

"Nonsense. All of the kitchen staff that have answered the phones thus far have been men."

"Still..." She glanced cagily at the couch. You were able to seduce Ryuuzaki, she mouthed. She paused. Though he doesn't seem to like you very much right now.

Light just maintained the smile and showed her to the phone.

It was on an end table next to the couch, so he got a good view of L reclining, his baggy pants riding low on his hips and exposing a strip of his midsection. The shirt clung to him, innocently showing off his body which was actually quite striking when it was not buried beneath excessive amounts of drab material. Peeking out from the bottom edge of the shirt was ruddy blush of a new bruise. A thrill echoed through Light as he remembered marking that skin, feeling tender flesh beneath his teeth and holding L's body down as it bowed beneath his attentions...

Dark eyes awakened him with their staring.

Light wet his lips nervously, certain that they knew the track of his thoughts. They regarded him steadily, but he could not determine anything from their black depths. He merely had the sensation of falling, with guilt riding him hard, and shame - that he could be so sick as to relive with fierce desire what was essentially the raping of the person closest to him.

But you did not hate it, Ryuuzaki, not entirely.

If you had, you would not have responded so strongly to my touch...

Misa's voice on the phone was but a buzzing in the background. Her back was turned to them as she rattled off their order. She was unaware of the sudden stillness between them, the tension borne of their locked gazes.

I'm just justifying myself, aren't I? That's what you hate, isn't it? The way I skirt accountability almost reflexively. You want me to suffer for my actions. You want me to feel regret. You want apologies, explanations.

But how can I give you that when half of me wants to do it all over again?

It seemed as if one of them would speak - one of them would surely be forced to break the ruinous silence as it coiled about them and squeezed.

Ryuuzaki...

"All done!" Misa announced cheerfully.

Her voice shattered the filaments stretching between them, the building necessity of achieving a resolution, whatever that might be.

The broken connection flashed white hot in Light's face, temporarily blinding him with anger. ((Not all dead yet, are we?)) He crushed his outward reactions with a steel fist, scrabbling to banish any evidence of their existence. He knew, before he could see L's face again, that the detective had witnessed it all. He hadn't been fast enough to mask it.

It seared his stomach; watching the piqued interest in those eyes fade as they become flat and lifeless again, dismissing him.

Above all else, he could not abide being ignored.

Inevitably, that was L's way of dealing with him when he was displeased or angered to a great extent. This silence reflected the dissonance between them much more than heated words could. Lack of communication heralded the decay of their interaction.

The very thought made Light feel panicked.

Had I actually assumed that we would always orbit each other? That either of us could withstand anything the other chose to inflict? That our similarities would bind us past our differences?

What do you need from me? Would an apology really suffice?

'I'm sorry I hurt you enough that you would consider throwing me away'?

'I'm sorry I made you hate me'?

Ryuuzaki... The name was tearing a hole in his chest with the intensity in which he spoke it in his mind, and with the lack of being heard, and the lack of being watched with those endlessly black eyes. His chest was a cage for those burning syllables.

"Misa," L said, "remind me again when the second Kira is expecting you to return? We wouldn't want them to think we were holding you against your will."

"Ummm, not for a few hours still." She gave L an assessing Look. "Why? Are you trying to get rid of me?"

The dark-haired detective smiled at her. "Of course not." She did not look convinced. "In fact, I have a few questions for you. Who is Rem, and who is the person you were in contact with yesterday before and during our meeting?"

She gaped at him like a fish, her little mouth forming an 'O' of surprise that made Light want to shake her until some sort of sense fell into her brain. She doubly fouled by glancing his way before trying to answer.

Dropping hints to L to try and keep himself alive was one thing. Being exposed on all accounts by Misa's thoughtless reactions, giving L more excuses to lock him up forever or have him killed was quite another. Not only that - the more L knew, the closer he would be to discovering Ryuuk. He cringed. That thing... He did not want to die by its hand.

"Surely you could tell from the camera feed that Rem is a good friend of Misa's?" L would have undoubtedly already watched the exchange, but it was good to get that out in the open.

"If I want your input, Yagami, I will ask for it," L rebuked him. I don't need your lies, he was saying. "Right now, however, I do believe my questions were addressed to Amane-san."

"He's right, though," Misa said, ducking her head. "Rem is one of my best friends. Light met her before... before you made everyone think he was dead."

"Aren't you jealous?" L queried.

"Huh? Of Rem? Why?" Misa's brows drew together in confusion.

"For the simple fact that Light is showing interest in the relationship status of another girl. Aren't you afraid he will cheat on you or leave you for your friend?"

"Pfftt!" She laughed. "No, I'm not."

Light urged her mentally to add something, anything to derail L's train of thought. Couldn't she see where he was taking this???

"Amane-san always struck me as the jealous type," L reflected. "Could it be that the reason you are not so regarding Rem is because Rem is not human, and therefore is not perceived as competition?"

Light almost smacked himself in the forehead. Almost.

"Er... what?" Misa laughed nervously. "You're weird, Ryuuzaki. I'm not jealous because I trust him."

"Hmm..." L said, getting up and starting to pace tight circles in front of the couch. "You say you trust him, and yet your first conclusion upon meeting with Light again was to suspect he had been unfaithful and had used seduction as a means to avoid being put to death."

"H-How do you know about that?" She whipped her gaze onto Light, startled.

Her eyes were wide with the need to understand how the detective was aware of the details of their private conversation. Light merely shrugged and shook his head. He could hardly explain to her that his loyalties had always lain with the other boy instead of with her.

"Amane-san, who were you in contact with yesterday?"

Blonde hair swung as she turned to face L. "A friend."

L stopped pacing and ghosted up to her. "Who is this friend? What is their name? Their gender?"

She rapidly shook her head back and forth.

"The second Kira then," L concluded. "Where you aware, Amane-san, that your 'boyfriend' has been in contact with this person?"

Light felt his surprise wash through his body like a brisk, balmy wind. I knew he would check the phone again. This is only to be expected... But it was unexpected for L to trot out this information in his interrogation of Misa.

"And for what reason would the second Kira have a prolonged conversation with Light? Do you really believe the second Kira to be trustworthy, Amane-san? If they could make contact with the original Kira, don't you think they might cease to have a need for you?"

The girl stuttered uselessly.

"Perhaps you would like to tell me, Yagami-kun? What the second Kira is like?" Midnight eyes swiveled to gaze upon him. Light felt his chest constrict. Even in this situation, he could not look into those eyes or upon that face without seeing it blindfolded and flushed, without hearing the echoes of his cries.

Regret, was it? Was that the name of this stabbing pain that slid within his breast upon considering his loss of the other boy? It was crushing... But it also made him want to bring the detective back under his control, forcefully if need be, so long as he could have him. Oh, this side of me that you bring out, Ryuuzaki... I look at you now, so superior as you work, so logical, and it makes me want to drag you down to my level, to debase and defame you. I want to crush your mouth to mine and feel you struggle against me with every fiber of your body, knowing that eventually you'll still lose to me.

Light ignored L, addressing Misa instead. It was a safer alternative. "I... must apologize to you..." He took her hands in his. "When Ryuuzaki left your phone unattended, I-" He broke off, stirring the drama of the performance and breathing life into it. "I couldn't help myself... and I... breached your privacy by going through your call log-"

"Light... you were jealous?" Misa's blue-grey eyes brimmed with shining hope. Here was the flicker of caring she had attributed to him and had been chasing the shadow of all this time. She was too easy to play like a fool. Too easy. Too trusting. Too simple and stupid. It was piteous.

"I just kept wondering who you'd been talking to since I was gone," he fabricated. "When I saw a call placed near the time when you had met with Ryuuzaki, I thought perhaps you had found someone new."

"Oh, Light, even if years had passed, you'd be the only one I'd think of." Her eyes brimmed more effusively as she pled the contents of her heart so openly. "You're everything to me. I could never be with anyone else."

Ryuuzaki's gaze on him burned. It stirred guilt in the pool of his apathy towards the girl. It accused him wordlessly of being the terrible human being that he was. It told him so clearly how heartless and wretched he was, how despicable.

The underpinnings of Light's sense of self were loosening, shifting within his self-worth. Morbidly, he wanted to become all of what Ryuuzaki was expecting of him and more, to truly earn the slanderous titles he was being named by. Light opened his arms to the girl, welcoming her into his cold, empty embrace, and folded them around her small body as she shook with emotion. Her head bowed under his chin. Only then did he seek out the detective's eyes, locking onto them with an intensity fueled of the swarming darkness of his soul. Those beautiful, dismal eyes that accused him of being the devil. I love you, he mouthed with lurid humor, feeling too out of his head to resist the impulse to see the look on L's face.

---

TBC

A/N: Oh, Light... :/

A/N 2: I know I said way back a gazillion chapters ago that I thought the fic would end in another few... (blame Light's sudden MPD issues for that mis-claim!) BUT, this time, for real... the fic will end around chapter 30 or 31. 30 chapters is the plan, but if it becomes too massive for one chapter (an extra long one), I'll split it into 2.

I found fireballs at the store today!! My heart sings! :D