Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ Misgiving ( Chapter 33 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 33: Misgiving)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Why won't this story end? :O Looking back, there were so many author's notes where I was convinced the conclusion was right around the corner!

I'll let you in on a secret though - I have no control over this story. (!!!) The DN boys dictate what is to be written, and I record it. It all began when Light manifested his MPD (multiple personality disorder) for the first time ((leading to him getting tasered)). I realized then that what I had planned for the end would not occur, and that much more story had yet to take place. Several times, this has happened. (Mikami's entrance for instance). So.....yeah. It ends when it ends, but I an working to wrap it all up with a neat little bow. And confetti. (and moar pr0n)

You know, it is very hard to write Light without his memories. (He has lost his total!freak vibe, yet that sharpness he has to his character was present underneath the obedient schoolboy persona all along, so that will come back to the fore in time.) And L, of course, must be written differently as well in his interactions with him. Oi. Personality changes after 30+ chapters. Egad. This is life though - most people are not stagnant, and interact differently depending on the individual they are around. happyfunyayz.

A/N 2: For those of you who are concerned about Light seeming to forget L...

He hasn't. Not really. It will become more clear, but in his disorientation, he was a bit poleaxed. He'll sort out his head and everything will come back into focus. MPD really can cause amnesia, sometimes only temporary, and Light is slow to piece things together as Kira was very much a part of his interactions with L. Kira formed to take away his guilt and accountability, so his brain is now taking a new detour in Kira's absence and hazing over things like his raping of L. So, he remembers the discordance between them, and the fighting, but not quite why it occurred.

Ah....... I hope you enjoy the update! :S

((reviews are love))

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Chapter 33:

Ryuuk was true to his word. Rather, his last words. He was immensely gleeful the entire time they remained in the car.

L made a mental note never to trust anything the Shinigami said ever again.

Before Wedy stopped the car, L requested that she give him just a moment, once they'd arrived. She looked puzzled, but agreed, waiting in the car with Light. He got out, not being able to stand the confines of the car any longer, then tapped on the trunk, indicating he wanted it open. The latch released and he hiked it open, only then speaking to the Shinigami in a low voice.

"Did you have fun, Ryuuk?" he asked pleasantly.

The black-winged Shinigami hovered in the air next to him as he rooted around in the trunk for the bag he'd left there. He had thought of the blindfold, prior to having it tossed to him by Wedy, only he'd neglected to move it to a more convenient location. It had been in the dark blue bag along with a few other items.

"Er...yes?" The death god sounded perplexed, obviously expecting him to act annoyed.

L unzipped the bag after finding it amidst Wedy's other things. He picked out the blackened sunglasses he had been feeling around for and held them up as if to examine them, saying, conversationally, "Would you say that you enjoyed it more or less than a steady supply of apples?"

While the Shinigami seemed to consider this with grave concentration, L located the hat that was also within the bag then zipped it closed. Not deeming it necessary to continue the conversation after having made his point, he slammed the trunk closed and got back into the car.

"Drive around to the rear entrance," he told Wedy. "But first, circle the block." He didn't need any curious onlookers paying them any mind. It wouldn't have been necessary if he had had the bag riding in the car with them in the first place, but he had been too distracted to think of it earlier. He wondered if Aiber had suggested Wedy look for the blindfold in the bag he'd stowed, knowing that part of the plan. She would have called him as a heads-up when L had not returned in his estimated time frame.

"All right."

Light was silent beside him.

L had thought they would be passing this time differently... he'd anticipated questions, accusations, but not this stillness. Certainly he had planned to explain things, as he had previously promised, but it was not something he had looked forward to, so he was loath to bring it up himself. Was the brunette sullenly humoring him by going along with this, and felt explanations would be useless lies? Or perhaps Light merely did not wish to discuss anything in front of Wedy, a stranger?

L chewed at his thumb. How many times have I wished for Kira to no longer be a part of Light? How many times have I hurt or felt fear when suffering his attentions? His entire manner had been becoming unstable up until now. Even after Kira stepped back into the shadows of his soul, Light had exhibited some of the same brutality in his behaviors. When they got close, his eyes practically glowed with the need to control, possess, and hurt.

Kira wanted to seduce him and then rip him apart, bathing in his blood and turmoil.

Light, with the Kira aspect pulled back into himself, was possessive, forceful, and dominating - showing only slightly more consideration for him, but never stopping when it would keep him from what he wanted. Even if he might feel some guilt later over his actions, he would still resort to such rough measures as rape.

L curled up more tightly upon the seat, teeth firmly pressing into his thumb.

Both of them were very dangerous people.

Yet in some perverse way, he felt needed and desired by them. When their eyes fixed on him, he knew that nothing else mattered to them in that moment. As scary as their attention could be, as painful and nerve-wracking and violating as it was... part of him craved it.

It is better for everyone if Kira is gone, he reassured himself. The world is a safer place. I am safer - no longer having my mind warped into accepting such twisted feelings nor being forced to accept such untenable actions being taken upon my person.

Kira, being so tied up and intertwined through Light's being, would have a vast impact on the personality of Light were he to be removed entirely. Even though Kira was a collection of behaviors that Light naturally possessed - they were borne of and exacerbated by circumstance and time. With Light's memories of the death note being removed, those parts of him were silenced and, as of yet, had no reason to come to the fore.

Light would now be the most docile and most wholly pure that L had ever seen him.

When the dust of this reconstruction had settled, what sort of person would Light be?

Which of his morals that Kira had degraded would become important to him again, aside from his respect for life? Would relations with another male suddenly become abhorrent to him? Unthinkable? Had Light given up the death note for him, only to unwittingly sabotage what they had between them? Wouldn't that be ironic? As ironic as everything else...

"Yagami-kun, we've arrived," L said as the car turned in at their destination.

L couldn't help the formal address. The old Light would have gotten angry with him for imparting distance between them, but the new Light almost seemed to demand it. He hated how sick that made him feel. That the twisted mind Kira had left him with entertained thoughts of forcing Light to deal with him - of forcing a kiss to those lips and not allowing him to avoid what they had had together. This desperate possessiveness was foreign and ill-fitting.

"What do you want of me?" Light said in that soft, measured voice.

The brunette's mind and perceptions had certainly not dulled. No, never that. He could still easily address two things with one simple utterance. He'd anticipated that L would ask something of him before they were to leave the car, and he must also have perceived L's focus bent upon him.

L ached with the desire to kiss him.

He felt it in every fiber of his body.

You were only supposed to become sane with Kira removed... I thought that was what I wanted...

"Ryuuzaki?" Light asked quietly, blindly, turning his head towards where he expected L to be.

L's hands fisted at his sides, his eyes fixing on the sensual curves of the other boy's lips, feeling himself tilting towards them. They looked so innocent when not bearing snide mockery or lascivious intent. So soft... so full...

He brushed against them with his own, gently, the misery of the situation sharpening in his chest as the tentative touch of their mouths sparked a fierce longing throughout his body. It was a craving. He wanted... no, needed, to feel the brunette's closeness... he needed to soothe this restlessness and to allay his fears. He wanted to justify his actions, to know that his jealousy was not undesired.

Light did not reject the touch. His response was hesitant, however. Withholding. Uncertain.

With trepidation, L sought to make the kiss more intimate, wanting to unearth the part of Light he was familiar with. He knew that now was not the right time for this, there were so many things to consider - things to be done and yet, it was happening anyway and he could not stall his actions. He parted Light's lips and slid between them into silken warmth, feeling the brunette shudder slightly in response as he gave up his mouth to L.

Never before had Light been so complacent and demure as this - giving instead of taking. Aggression was absent from the movement of lips and tongue. So different from before... as if he were another person entirely...

"Well, now, Aiber never mentioned that," Wedy commented dryly from the front seat. "I'd tell you to get a room, but seeing as you already have one reserved..."

L moved away with a slight cough. He was about to reprimand the woman, but her eyes in the rear-view mirror simply looked amused, so he merely asked her to refrain from mentioning it to anyone. A quick glance at the blindfolded brunette revealed the tail end of a flush fading upon his cheeks.

It was either a good sign, or a sign of embarrassment at having such a thing witnessed. With the old Light, it would have been the former, as he did not get flustered over things such as public intimacy. But was the Kira aspect of him what made him so bold?

"Yagami-kun, I need you to keep your eyes closed for a moment."

---

Light obediently kept his eyes closed, as requested, and Ryuuzaki removed the blindfold from his eyes. His lips were still tingling from the unexpected kiss, and the feelings it had evoked. The touch of the dark-haired boy's hands upon either side of his head, wrapping around to undo the knotted cloth, did much the same.

He was beginning to remember things with greater clarity.

More and more of his history with Ryuuzaki was spilling into his head. Things that seemed impossible to have misplaced.

It was terrifying to have one's memory be so clouded and surreal. To remember the gist of a thing with no events with which to back it up was disorienting.

Once in the silence in the car, he'd opted for using the time to think instead of asking Ryuuzaki endless questions. Some of it he would figure out for himself. Questions could come later.

His mind had fixated upon the death he had witnessed, and how the boy beside him was somehow responsible. A killer who had been keeping him under surveillance for suspicion of being a mass-murderer. At least, according to Teru, that was the case. But how much belief should he place in the words of a man who had abducted him? Abducted him and... that part was still hazy. But it was obvious that the man had harbored illicit feelings for him - his manner had spoken of it - and he had made advances on him previously.

That same manner, he felt echoed in the dark-haired boy beside him. It made him slightly anxious, and he was nearly reminded of something that had happened with Teru. He could only guess that his mind was blocking it out.

But Ryuuzaki... when he had kissed him, Light felt like he was holding his breath. It was such a tentative touch of lips, scary in its intensity and the force with which Light found he wanted to kiss him back. But Ryuuzaki was a murderer - and believed him to be one as well - how could he allow himself to act upon something like desire?

I can't be Kira.

No matter what Ryuuzaki thinks, and Teru thought, I am not a murderer.

Ryuuzaki baffled him in some ways. How had he come to partake in a relationship with his prime suspect? Light had mulled over it and that elusive feeling that he had wronged the detective somehow. He could remember a great deal of their interaction, of working on the Kira case, of... he felt his face redden as he recalled a plethora of instances where he and the other boy had been intimate.

He still felt somewhat disconnected from everything, but it was obvious that he cared about Ryuuzaki. A lot. And he was certain Ryuuzaki returned the sentiment...

But he could not shake the pervasive feeling that they had been fighting lately, and that it had gotten ugly. To the point where he was unsure of where he stood with the other boy and at times believed his life might actually be forfeit. What had it been about? Just what had happened between them?

Damn it! The frustration reared up, blazing and acidic. I was there! I should know these simple things!

He clenched his fist and then loosened it. I must be patient, he counseled himself. I'll remember on my own. It's preposterous that I would even have to consider asking anyone what happened.

"Yagami-kun?"

Ryuuzaki seemed to have been trying to gain his attention. The formal address bothered him. When everything was fine between them, he was simply 'Light'. "Yes?"

"I said, could you put these on? Then you can open your eyes if you wish."

Ryuuzaki pressed something into his hands. Molded plastic. He felt along the edges and determined that they were some sort of glasses. He put them on, and opened his eyes, experiencing a brief moment of panic. "Why can't I see anything?"

---

L straightened the large sunglasses with the blackened lenses upon Light's face. The side panels sported wide, blackened lenses as well and would block his sight utterly. "It's ok, you are wearing sunglasses that are painted so that you cannot see through them. They are less conspicuous than the blindfold, and serve the same function."

He put a hand on Light's shoulder and urged him to lean forward so he could place the hat upon his silky hair. Between the low-hanging brim of it and the over-sized lenses, a great deal of Light's face was obscured.

L undid the brunette's seatbelt. "You are blind," he instructed, "so act accordingly. Wedy is going to escort you to the room. I would do it myself, but the whole point is to keep you from being seen, and I would attract too much attention."

Light nodded slightly. "That hat of hers is not exactly inconspicuous."

Wedy made a scoffing noise from the front seat. "What does he think I am, an amateur?" She had already traded the hat for a black, gauzy scarf which she draped and pinned in an artfully dour fashion, concealing most of her shiny, platinum blonde hair.

"It's taken care of," L said. Then, anticipating Light's next question, "Do whatever she asks, and I will be along shortly."

Light looked like he wanted to say something further, but refrained.

"If you are concerned about feeling dizzy or sick - don't be. Wedy will take you by the arm, so just lean on her if you need to."

The door on Light's side opened, and Wedy reached in to help Light out of the car. "Try to see around those glasses, and I will shoot you in the kneecaps," she told him sweetly as she pulled him to his feet.

L gave her a warning glare.

She rolled her eyes. 'Let me have at least a little fun,' she seemed to say. She frowned at her charge who had stiffened perceptibly. "Oh, buck up kid, I'm joking," she said to Light, thumping him squarely on the back. "I'm a professional. I'd use something much less obvious."

The door shut before L could say anything. He shook his head.

---

"L, I'm boreeeeeed," Ryuuk whined, catching up to him once he had entered the hotel through a different door than the one Wedy and Light had come through.

"Why is that?" L asked absently, only half paying attention. He'd felt it necessary to change the location in which he was going to keep Light, though it would also be cumbersome as he would have to split his time between locations. Bringing the brunette into the hotel the task force used would have been much too risky. If anyone where to happen to recognize him...

"Because you're boring me, obviously," the death god grumped.

"If you suffer from boredom, it merely means that you are boring."

Ryuuk flapped his wings petulantly as he thought about that.

L wondered how likely it was that he would be able to keep the death note a secret from Watari. He'd instructed Aiber to burn the single page they'd used on Mikami, a page with no other names, so that any evidence that they had used it would be destroyed. But how would he explain the second Kira's notebook, and his own partially written name? He'd have to look at it more closely later on to see what could be done, and to see if Light had been correct - that Amane Misa's name would be absent from its pages.

"Where are my apples?" Ryuuk politely inquired. "You promised me, in exchange for me not annoying you."

"Does it look like I have the ability to get them for you right now?"

Ryuuk rolled his yellow eyes, the blood-sheen looking sick upon them. "If my eyes do not deceive me, you have two legs which are attached and functional as well as more than enough arms to get me what I want."

"Thank you for that most pertinent assessment, but you're going to have to wait."

The death god screeched, then took off in a flurry of black wings, wailing as it coasted overhead in the lobby. It was hard not to wince at the racket. Anything L might have said was moot - he was not going to call out to Ryuuk and make a scene. The damn thing was just going to have to occupy itself while he settled more pressing matters.

L met Wedy near the stairs.

The blonde woman was frowning at him, her arms crossed. "You expect me to believe that kid is really Kira?" she said when he was close enough to accept the hotel room's keycard.

"Was."

She waved off the correction. "So it was the great and mighty EX-Kira that I had clinging to my arm like a drunken sailor?"

"I suppose so. Is he still feeling sick?"

"You seem awfully concerned, for you." She eyed him. "I thought this was about securing a prime suspect. Instead, it seems that the kid holds more of a personal interest than a professional one."

"It is none of your concern, Wedy."

"Oh, it isn't?"

He felt his eyes grow cold. "No, it isn't." She was starting to pry, starting to look for a way this new information might be beneficial to her, and he would not have it. "I'm not requesting that you leave this alone. I'm telling you."

She leaned against the wall and inspected her nails, backing down only a little. "I've never seen you like this before. I suppose it is understandable. This is the Kira, after all, the one you presumably had sentenced to death, all healthy and alive, unbeknownst to his family and the rest of the world. Quite a dirty little secret, if you ask me."

"You could always use the death note on her," Ryuuk added helpfully, returning from his flight in good humor, judging by his amused cackling.

L ground his teeth. The impossible thought had already flickered through his mind, brief though it was. He would not kill his subordinates simply because they were being difficult. He would not. "I will say this once, Wedy. If you wish to continue in my service, this topic will never come up again. I will also not hear of it from Aiber, or anyone else. Yagami Light is dead. Officially, I have no suspects in my retention. Are we clear?"

"My, my, L. No need to threaten me." She gave him a bland look. "You act like I was going to blackmail you or something."

L was not fooled, he had seen the sharpness of her gaze only a moment before. "Nonetheless, I felt the need to impress upon you the importance of this. If you choose to break my trust on this matter, it will absolutely not be tolerated."

She shrugged. "You know I'm loyal to you. You're one of the best employers I've had." Her red lips formed a frown then. "L... this is a dangerous game you're playing at. I hope for your sake that you know what you are doing."

Wedy pushed off from the wall and walked towards him, her duty done.

"I hope he's worth it," she said as she passed, causing L to stiffen slightly. He turned to watch her go. "Don't forget the raise though, boss," she said with a fluttery little wave.

---

L couldn't dismiss the tension crawling through his limbs as he climbed the stairs. Wedy and Aiber were unruly at times, but in this instance, it was brought home to him just how deeply he trusted them. No, not that exactly... but how much he entrusted them with. Any mutiny on their part, and it would be particularly devastating, especially now.

In the event of betrayal... would the death note seem a fair option? A viable option?

He was disgusted with himself for even entertaining the thought. Even having the thing in his possession was changing his mental process, making him sympathetic to its use. Had it started this way for Light? Did the notebook hold that much sway, that it could transform someone who was extremely opposed to killing into an unrepentant murderer?

He reached the fifth floor and glanced at the numbered plaques as he moved down the hall.

Finding the room at last, he dug the keycard out of his pocket. Light would be confined to the bedroom. They hadn't had time to arrange for anything more than a quick installation of a deadbolt on the outside of that door, unlike the other hotel room.

He entered the tiny suite, seeing the key for the agreed-upon double cylinder deadbolt glinting on the diminutive table which was almost dwarfed by the lamp that sat upon it. He righted the crooked lampshade automatically as he picked up the key. It was time at last - now he could finally talk to Light without interruptions and distractions. He could asses Light's mental state, uncover the events of the past two days, and get an idea of how intact the other boy's memories really were.

L moved across the room to the bedroom door and unlocked it. Pocketing the key, he cautiously pushed the door inward. Light was laying face first on the bed, his head consumed by pillows.

"Light?" L decided to drop the 'Yagami-kun' formality now that they were alone.

No response from the figure on the bed.

L came to his side and studied him a moment. His breathing seemed fairly even. L gently rolled him over, and the brunette's body was limp, his lips slightly parted as he slept.

L decided to leave him be. He would probably feel much better upon waking. He brushed the bangs out of Light's eyes with careful fingertips as he looked down upon his beatific face.

"I think you are worth it," he said softly, recalling Wedy's words. I've always thought you were worth it. Even when he had been Kira, L could hardly regret having worked so hard to keep this boy at his side. Even when he felt mad or desperate, he'd never wanted to rescind the preservation of this life.

He rose and moved towards the door.

It was just as well that Light was asleep. He had things he needed to take care of such as finding a location in which to store the death notes, having a word with Aiber, and locating apples for Ryuuk who, for him, had been rather astoundingly patient. The thought of leaving the brunette for any amount of time made L jumpy, as he had only just gotten him back, but it was best to take care of things now before he woke.

---

It was dark when Light surfaced from the pillows, hair sticking unpleasantly to the side of his face. He sat up, and rubbed a hand across his eyes, feeling a bit groggy.

"You're awake," Ryuuzaki said from the other side of the room.

He was sitting in a chair he seemed to have dragged in from the common area. Light fully expected him to have a book or a laptop perched in his lap, but his hands were empty. Light just blinked at him sleepily, wondering what he could have been occupying himself with all this time. "Were you watching me sleep?"

"Yes."

Light frowned. "You realize that is not the sort of thing people usually do, let alone admit to?"

"Does it bother you?"

"A little," he admitted, then yawned.

"You must forgive me. I'm feeling impatient, but I did not want to disturb you."

"Ah..." Light looked around the room. "Different hotel this time?"

"If it wasn't, blindfolding you would have been a useless exercise." He paused. "I have removed all the literature in the suite that would have given you an idea of our location."

"Great idea," Light said flatly. L really thought he was going to try and run off? Granted, he almost had back at Teru's apartment, but he had not been in his right mind at the time - embarrassingly so. "Do you mind if I shower?"

L shifted on his chair restlessly, but waved him on. "Be my guest."

Light slid off the bed and went into the bathroom.

Upon waking, he discovered his headache had completely disappeared. With it, the cobwebs that had been obscuring his memories. There were still certain gaps, and things that did not quite make sense, but he no longer felt adrift like before. He was starting to feel like himself again. Ryuuzaki was acting oddly, however.

Light showered and brushed his teeth, the routine of it being somewhat soothing. He didn't exactly have his freedom, but it was certainly an improvement over being chained to Teru's bed for the last few days, not knowing what would become of him. He frowned. His abduction was one of the things he planned to ask Ryuuzaki about. That, Teru's death, and Kira. All were foremost in his mind.

Light wrapped the white towel firmly about his hips and secured it, then made his way out into the bedroom. Ryuuzaki had not moved from his chair and his dark eyes tracked Light across the room.

"Ryuuzaki..."

Light sat on the edge of the bed, trying to compose words properly. "I wanted to say that my mind has been... at less than 100 percent previously." That was a pleasant way to put it, he supposed, but he preferred that to admitting his previous behavior made him look like a basket case. And it seemed that he owed Ryuuzaki some sort of apology or explanation for it. "Something about the headache, I believe. I wasn't able to think clearly."

The vicious crushing of his skull certainly was the most responsible for that, the nausea as well. But... so was his shock at witnessing a murder. Was Ryuuzaki really the person he'd come to know, or was he hiding his true self all along?

L's eyes were drifting over his torso as he spoke, but moved up to his face. "I suspected as much. What do you remember about your time with Mikami Teru?"

Light felt that sour twinge in the pit of his stomach as L mentioned the man he had killed so emotionlessly. "He was... a stalker, I suppose, though I'm unsure as to how he came to know me, let alone abduct me from where I was being held." Were you really holding me as a Kira suspect? He kept the question to himself, wondering what L would decide to tell him later on if he did not reveal Teru's thoughts on the matter. "He seemed as if he wasn't quite sane," Light offered. "He kept me in handcuffs, chained to his bed, and called me 'God'."

"Did he make any advances on you?" L was staring him in the eye fixedly.

Light felt slightly ill-at-ease. "I don't really recall..." but as he said that, some images drifted into his mind, kisses, a hand trailing down his stomach. He shook his head, feeling the cobwebs trying to drift down again.

"Light?" L was crouching in front of him. His eyes were sharp, prying at him as if he could see into Light's mind if he only focused hard enough. And, there was anger there... lurking in the depths of his gaze. "You remember something." He had Light's hands cupped between his, anchoring him there, grasping them more firmly to get his attention.

"Kisses, I suppose." He made the words come forth, tossing them out distractedly, trying to appease L. He didn't want to focus on this. "Maybe more. I don't know..."

L reached up and touched the side of Light's neck and his chest, just under his collarbone. "And these?"

Each touch evoked a flash of memory, lips, teeth, bound hands, struggling, the weight of someone pinning him down... Light shook his head, trying to pull his hands from Ryuuzaki's. The throbbing was starting just behind his eyes. "I can't remember - it just cuts out. Let go."

Suddenly he didn't want to be touched and wanted to avoid it at all costs.

L held tighter. "What is it?"

A mouth at my neck and a hand trailing over my naked hip...

"Let go." He tried to jerk his hands out of L's, feeling the frantic beating of his heart that accompanied the memories that were rising scathingly to the surface. Claustrophobic.

My lack of control over what was happening...

L's hands were hot over his, not releasing him but reminding him of it all, and prodding him with that intent gaze. Dragging him towards the hole in his memory.

The feeling of being trapped, of reacting to something I didn't want....

"I SAID I CAN'T REMEMBER!"

At last, Light was able to wrench his hands free, putting them to his head. "Jesus, Ryuuzaki," he said in a faded voice, the fierce pounding lost no time in descending fully upon him and already it was taking its toll. Why did he have to keep pushing like that?

"You have a headache?" L asked quietly, as if he didn't already know the answer.

"What do you think?" he snipped out.

"I'm sorry. I'll go get you something for it."

"Thanks," he said in a tone that was only halfway acidic. It was L's fault the headache had rebounded on him. But, he couldn't have known and he sounded apologetic.

"Lie down, I'll be right back."

Light didn't bother moving, just lay down on his side where he was and tried to clear his mind of all thought. Blank. White. Serene. Damn it, his towel was slipping.

L returned not too terribly long after, maybe five minutes or so, with a glass of water and some aspirin tablets.

"Here," he said, helping Light sit up enough to take them. The tablets lodged in Light's throat on the way down, dissolving and gracing him with their abhorrent, chalky taste. The weird feelings had passed, and the headache was not quite so vicious as it was only minutes before.

"You're a bastard," Light murmured, closing his eyes again. Despite his agitation at L pushing him like he had, the other boy's presence was now somewhat soothing to have nearby. Still, he felt the need to express his displeasure.

"I said I was sorry," L sounded miffed.

"I'd just gotten rid of of the damn thing."

"..."

In the silence, he could practically see L wringing his hands. "What?"

"I've already expressed my regret, I don't know what else to do."

"But...?"

"But... I want to know if this was the sort of headache you had earlier. It seemed to me that when you take your lack of memory into account, you may have experienced an episode of splitting."

"I don't have a split personality, don't be ridiculous."

There was a long pause. "You do, even if you are unaware of it. It's happened before."

"Ryuuzaki, why was I being held here in the first place?"

His memories told him it was because his father had pulled him off of the Kira investigation - he had been worried that the two of them were becoming involved and that L would take advantage of his son. L had named him a suspect in order to supersede his father's decision. But Teru's words, as unbelievable as they seemed, had echoed with a ring of truth. 'You are Kira.' Perhaps L really did suspect him? And what else would explain the fact that the detective had faked his death? There was something off about the whole thing. It didn't add up.

"Why do you think I was holding you?"

"You declared me to be a suspect."

"Correct."

"But you don't really believe it, do you?" He couldn't. It was preposterous. Laughable even. "I haven't killed anyone. If anything, you are more guilty of being Kira than I am."

Light opened his eyes to L's silence. The detective's expression was blank. He was hiding.

"You know me, Ryuuzaki," he laughed a little to knock the desperate edge off of his voice. "You know I do not condone killing. I believe in the system and would never take a life with my own hands."

"Yes, Light-kun, I am aware."

Light frowned. "Why 'Light-kun'? What have I said that is amiss?"

"Nothing, Light. I misspoke." L stood, keeping his eyes off of Light. "If you'll excuse me, I have some things to take care of."

Light sat up, anger seeping into him. L was lying! "What things?" he challenged.

L strode towards the door. "It is none of Light-kun's concern."

"The hell it isn't!" Light slid off the bed, intent on following, but his first steps faltered, and by the time he got to the door, the deadbolt slid into place.

---

"I haven't killed anyone. If anything, you are more guilty of being Kira than I am."

L couldn't hold in his temper any longer. Oh, how it galled him to hear Light say such things to him!

If only he knew!

But he couldn't know. That was the whole point, wasn't it? Now that Light's memories of Kira were gone, to keep Kira from being a part of him he had to keep from Light the fact that he WAS Kira.

L couldn't enlighten him, no matter how tempted he was to set the record straight.

He had to make the best of this opportunity Light had given him, giving up the death note and losing his memories.

It was just so HARD. Being around Light when he was like this was like treading water. He didn't know how to proceed, and he couldn't entirely be himself because there were secrets that must be kept. This version of Light made him feel inferior in new and wretched ways. Those eyes regarded him differently, no matter how similar Light acted to his previous self otherwise. His high-handed stance on killing, his unwavering belief that nothing could sully his hands...

L clenched his fists and let his head rest upon the suite's pathetic excuse for a table.

Before, it was always his social awkwardness that was the sore spot when dealing with Light. It had been difficult to bear, but in some ways, just Light's unwavering attention eased that wound. But this, this was his morality being called into question. Light viewed him to be inferior by something he had done himself without remorse, countless times over. It was a great hypocrisy, formed of his absent memories. L knew this, knew that he should not take it to heart, but Light's quiet disapproval stabbed at him, ripping open a brand new wound. All the more painful that L had done it because of him. For him.

And how long until Light noticed his altered behavior, and the evasions?

Light was still himself, sharp as ever. He'd no doubt started to notice.

No, he had started to notice.

But I'm being obvious. I can't just change how I address him and not expect it. I can't act the part so flimsily.

I have to get my head around this. I wanted this. I asked him for this. I wished for Kira's death in him a thousand times over. I wanted to be able to manage him and keep him with me without constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering when Kira might stab me in the back. Without Kira, however Light acts will be more genuine. He can't be making a play against me, trying to falsely gain my trust, for I am no longer an enemy.

His eyes burned, an indication that he was not convincing himself. He curled his arms around his head.

Light was Light.

It was foolish to think of the past Light as his Light, and this new Light as not his. Foolish to think of the plans he and his Light had made, the knowledge they'd shared as being conspired secrets to keep from a stranger - from this new version of him. To consult the previous version in his head as if he were somehow the true one.

It was so ridiculous that these minutia were making him feel like he was cracking apart, still deprived of the Light Mikami Teru had stolen from him. Wasn't it?

Ludicrous, that he missed Kira's stifling embrace and that with Light in the very next room, he felt more out-of-reach than ever.

---

TBC

A/N: Poor L. :/

Looks like he misses aggressive bondage-porn!Light.

P.S. I was really trying to keep up with responding to all of your reviews, but it is proving too difficult. So, I will focus on the more in depth ones, and do my best with the others. My apologies for failing. :x

Also..... pr0n next chapter!!!! XD IT IS WRITTEN (and beta'd as of tonight. woo!)