Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ Brilliance Tarnished ❯ Deeper ( Chapter 10 )

A/N: I KNOW. I can only write around school, what can I say? It is majorly cramping my existence. I wish I had all the time in the world, but I have very little. I've had half of this written for 2 months, too. Haha. Oh, and the chapter naming scheme is NOT my fault. My beta is a bad influence. XP

Raito scrubbed himself fiercely in the shower, still burning with anger from how L had treated him. Was that truly how the detective felt? But it couldn't be - not when the physical reactions were always so strong. At least that body was incapable of deceit, even if the face and mouth always lied.

He smirked slightly as he thought that L must feel much the same. He himself was a professional liar, so his companion was surely forced to live in uncertainty as to his motivations and actual feelings. Even he sometimes wasn't certain of where to find the truth within himself.

His smirk faded as his thoughts dwelt upon the truth for a moment too long. He should be happy to have accomplished as much as he had, to have gotten away with as much as he had, but he was still dissatisfied because of the lack of progress where L was concerned. So little vulnerability. So little emotion. Raito still didn't have what he wanted from the dark-haired boy. What more did he have to give, to sacrifice, to lure L in?

The truth. The truth was...he honestly felt...

Raito slammed the handle of the shower to turn it off and stepped out, toweling off briskly. His dilemma waited just outside the bathroom, lounging on the bed and watching television. What tactic to employ... His glance locked onto his own reflection in the mirror, and he wrapped the towel lightly about his hips, arranging it as provocatively as possible. If he couldn't have what he wanted, he would torment L as part of his vengeance, at the very least. If his presence in a state of undress wasn't enough, he'd simply do something more...obnoxious.

He took a moment to blow dry his hair before leaving the bathroom. Crossing L's line of vision languidly, he moved to recline upon the bed beside the detective, affecting a complete lack of concern. After considering for a moment, he bent his knee slightly, making the towel slide up his leg to reveal his thigh.

L remained motionless beside him, even though their bodies were almost touching. Those dark eyes were fixed upon the television screen as though the fate of the world depended on it. Raito determined all of this through the use of his peripheral vision, knowing that even a surreptitious glance would give away his game of the moment.

He sighed and closed his eyes, putting one arm back and behind his head. By the feel of the air upon his skin, the towel wasn't leaving much to the imagination...

The door to the room was suddenly flung open, startling him slightly. He rolled over on his side to see Matsuda standing there, panting. "Raito-kun! I heard you were back and I wanted to make sure that you...were..."

Raito's state of undress seemed to slowly penetrate the dark-haired man's brain, and a flush suddenly blazed over that puppy-like face. "Oh...you're...you're...I'm sorry, I-" Matsuda's sentence devolved into a fit of stammering.

"It's perfectly fine," Raito interjected kindly, draping one arm over his own hip to draw more attention to the perfect lines of his body. "Ryuuzaki has been utterly boring in the hour I've been back. He hasn't done anything but ignore me, Matsuda-kun! But I know that you would never do such a thing."

Matsuda's dark gaze darted to the motionless L before returning to skim over Raito's lean thighs. "I...no, no, of course not, Raito-kun! If you would like to do...or go, I mean...somewhere..." That earnest face was bright red, expression completely flustered...but betraying desire.

Raito felt L shift suddenly beside him. "You don't want to play his games, Matsuda. It's better that you ignore him." The detective's voice was cool and cutting.

Raito rose and slowly approached Matsuda, shaking his head. "Don't listen to him..." He leaned close to Matsuda and said sotto voce, "He's just jealous that you and I are such good friends." A meaningful glance directly into Matsuda's panicked eyes at close range, accompanied by a sensual smile. "I'm certain that you'd be more fun than he is. We should spend more time together, don't you think?"

Matsuda looked as if he were about to faint. "I would...like...that-"

Raito more felt than heard L come up behind him. His bare shoulders were taken firmly in hands that were anything but gentle, fingers clamping down hard. "I think perhaps that Raito is exhausted and needs to rest," L grated out, voice close enough to Raito's ear to make his skin tingle.

He leaned back against his former captive, conforming his back to every curve of L's front. "Are you going to entertain me, then? You're irritable at best, Ryuu." He laid his head back against the shoulder behind him, glancing at the tensely stoic face of his companion. This position would also give Matsuda ideas and display Raito's long, graceful throat in the most tempting fashion.

"He'll see you later, Matsuda," L said dismissively, steering Raito away and back towards the bed.

"Are you sleeping with him?" Matsuda blurted out.

L's hands spasmed upon Raito's shoulders, but the detective didn't pause, nor did he answer.

Raito twisted to look back at Matsuda with his best pained expression. "He doesn't like to touch me. He doesn't even want to acknowledge our relationship, Matsuda-kun. It's so lonely-"

Matsuda's eyes widened, expression anguished and hungry. "Raito-kun, I would—"

"GOODBYE, MATSUDA," L announced loudly and firmly, peeling off of Raito to push the intruder out and slam the door in his face. With that accomplished, the dark-haired boy whipped around to face him again, approaching quickly and aggressively. "What is wrong with you?" his companion growled, gripping Raito's shoulders and shaking him.

"If you're going to ignore me, I'll do just what you suggested and seduce Matsuda. You don't mind, do you?" He smiled tauntingly into the dark eyes that burned at him.

"Would sex with Matsuda really be that agreeable?" L ground out, crushing Raito's shoulders again.

He knocked L's hands away, irritated at the continued infringement. "At least he'd appreciate it," Raito snapped. "You could watch, if you wanted. Isn't that what you're best at? Maybe then you'd see how it's actually-"

L suddenly took hold of him and shoved him off balance, sending him sprawling across the bed. "I am sick of your antagonism and provocation-"

Raito noticed distractedly that the towel had come undone, revealing one hip completely and barely remaining draped over the other. It was difficult to be aware of peripheral things when the passion in L's face and demeanor took his breath away. "If you won't do it, then I will go and find him," he promised with a sneer, having to force it out.

L came down on top of him, jaw clenched, hands finding and confining his wrists. "Why do you push me this way? I hate it, and I hate you! What the hell do I care if you want to have sex with Matsuda?"

"Why did you interrupt me then, if that's the case?" Raito asked pointedly.

"Because it sickens me to see you act that way," the dark-haired boy panted, eyes narrowing slightly as they continued to swallow only his image.

"What you really want to say is that you don't want me to be with anyone else. Isn't that so? If you accept my offer of a relationship, I'll only have sex with you. But you can't accept my offer only to tell me that we won't have sex." He made his voice gentle. Coaxing.

L closed his eyes briefly, frustration flashing across his face. "You're always trying to manipulate me. I hate that, too."

"Then leave," Raito murmured flatly, unable to look away from the face above him. "You'll never change me, L."

"You won't even try," his former captive breathed raggedly, opening his eyes again to continue glaring. The glare had lost its edge, however, softened by other feelings.

"I want to be inside of you," Raito murmured, doing his best to be entreating.

Dark eyes widened and their owner drew back slightly, anxious again.

"What happened to the impassioned anger?" he asked, taking one of L's hands and guiding it beneath the remaining flap of the towel at his hips.

The detective shivered as his fingers found Raito's hard, silken flesh, and seemingly against his will, his fingers stroked over the heat they found there.

Raito gasped and raised his hips slightly, encouraging more exploration. "Ryuu, I don't really care how we do this, but..."

L hunched over and spread Raito's thighs with trembling hands, mouth lowering without warning to enclose the ache that plagued him. He gasped and his hips jerked, hands finding their way into L's dark, tousled hair. L's fingers kneaded Raito's hips as that mouth worked upon him, tongue stroking maddeningly. His body was shaking with reaction, embarrassing him, but it only seemed to urge his companion on.

For L to be doing this for him, after the trauma he had been subjected to...Raito understood that it was an unspeakably precious gift. He couldn't fathom why the other boy was giving in to him in this way, what moved that mind to bend to him.

He tried to keep his hands gentle and unimposing where they rested upon that dark head, not wishing to hurt L in that way at the moment. Something cruel in him rejoiced, however, in the mouth that embraced him willingly. I will take everything from you, he thought with delight. Raito looked down to watch and revel in L's sublimation. I want to pin you down and pound into you until you're crying. I want to drown you in me and force you to take it all in. His pleasure intensified as he imagined L's face, his then he shook his head slightly, denying the urges. Stop it! I don't want that. That would hurt him.

...I want to hurt him.

The realization had never quite disturbed him before, but it did now.

He gasped and cried out L's false name as he lost control and was overwhelmed by that determined mouth. When the aftershocks faded and he opened his eyes, L had straightened and was gazing down at him with unreadable eyes, mouth quirked down in some kind of unhappiness.

"What's the matter?" Raito asked gently, reaching up a hand to lightly trace the curve of the detective's cheek. Small gestures were important. Trust me. See, I care about you. I do. I want to root into you, feed on you, and prevent you from ever living without me.

"Nothing," L muttered.

What was the matter? The fact that he always ended up enjoying everything he did with Raito. That was what was the matter. Even when he hadn't wanted it. Even when it hurt. Those sly eyes were trying so hard to seem sweet, kind, but he had learned enough about Raito now that he could faintly detect the satisfaction and pleasure lurking beneath the seeming. The brunet was loving this, enjoying L's submission like an exquisite meal at the finest restaurant.

Raito was cruel. Cold. Calculating. Selfish. Amoral. Hurtful. Yet a contradiction of all of those things, too - a beautiful contradiction that could still surprise him. Just to catch his former captor out in one moment of impulse, of living in the moment...that was his pleasure. And every time they came together like this, he had the chance to see it.

He wiped his mouth, the taste of Raito still on his lips, and watched those pleased amber eyes follow his movements and dwell upon him. He watched purpose kindle in them. He knew what was coming next.

Raito sat up, moving to pull L's shirt off. He allowed that, as well as being divested of the rest of his clothing. The brunet then pushed him down into the bed, straddling him so that he could roll his hips against L's teasingly.

He resolved not to moan, which only made Raito work harder. The brunet slid down his body, bangs brushing the skin of his abdomen and making his stomach flutter. Raito gently massaged the base of his sex, hot, moist breath slowly enveloping him without allowing contact with the mouth or tongue to relieve his pain. Raito hovered there, breathing on and around him, condescending to brush him with only the faintest flicks of his tongue from time to time.

"Raito!" L exclaimed, exasperated, not to mention embarrassed at the way his body was twitching and thrumming at the agony Raito was putting it through. "Would you please-"

That mouth closed around him, its wet heat drawing upon him fiercely and repeatedly. L's breath rushed out in a near-sob as the intensity and surprise of Raito's response flattened him. He remembered this feeling from the last time Raito had almost overcome him. His body was rushing to meet that demanding mouth as he cried out helplessly and thrust into its temptation.

Sensing how close he was, Raito forced his thighs to open wider and intensified the pace and strength of his ministrations, making L want to scream. He had never felt anything as strongly as these things Raito pushed upon him.

Suddenly, just as he was about to break, Raito stopped. L's eyes flew open in disbelief. His body was one screaming, aching, throbbing mass of desperate nerves, and all he wanted was to release the tension into Raito's mouth. He stared in shock as he watched Raito open a tube of lubricant and prepare elegant fingers with the obvious intention of...

"You're not going to...I thought you were-"

"I told you that I wanted to be inside of you," Raito said quietly, leaning forward and reaching towards L's body.

L made to get up, bringing his arms under him. "I'm not sure I'm-"

Raito surged forward and pinned him, thrusting slick fingers into his body before he could even blink.

L gasped as he spasmed, then groaned through clenched teeth, elbows giving out and putting him flat on his back again. Even the feeling of Raito's fingers inside of him was going to-

"I want to feel you clenching around me when you give in," Raito whispered into his ear, withdrawing his fingers and slowly beginning to push into L. "I love that feeling of being buried in your body, of it being incapable of escaping me as it loses control. Of you being incapable of escaping me as I claim the greatest intimacy from you." Every several words, Raito slid further into him, pushed his legs further apart to settle more fully into him and upon him.

He couldn't even think when Raito was doing this to him, much less reply, and those words alone, uttered in such a low and intense voice, would have been enough to undo him. But being pleasurably tortured at the same time made it impossible for him to deny Raito anything, to resist anything.

"Yes," L moaned through clenched teeth, uncertain as to what he was agreeing to or answering. He only knew that his body was a whisper away from its goal.

"Do you want me?" Raito whispered into his ear, sending a jolt through him.

"What...do you...think?" L forced out raggedly, unable to catch his breath. Hands cupping his face forced him to open his eyes. Raito's eyes above him were honeyed amber, asking him a silent question behind the voiced one.

"I think you never tell me the truth," Raito said quietly, softly kissing L's lips as he slowly moved against L's body again.

Quite suddenly, L found that he couldn't hold on any longer. The pleasure Raito forced upon him snapped through his body, burning out his consciousness, his ability to think, his ability to choose, and he found his arms and legs wrapped tightly about the brunet, urging Raito on with helpless cries and hips perfectly aligned to receive every thrust to maximum effect.

"If I didn't know better...I'd say you wanted this...as much as I do," Raito panted as he thrust again and again.

L found he couldn't speak, not even to argue, as he shuddered in the brunet's arms. It was all he could do to breathe. He had wanted this so badly that it made him sick. His body relaxed slightly, finally spent.

Raito's thrusts slowed, gentled, and shortened, but his former captor didn't quite stop, remaining seated deep inside of him. The slight movements were sending jolts of electricity through him, making him twitch involuntarily as the other boy rocked into that place inside of him over and over.

It made him nauseous. It made him feel faint. It made him delirious. It made him want to rewind time only to do it all over again.

Lips touched his again. He opened his eyes, not really wanting to see the face that reminded him of his own sickness, that laughed at all of his failings. "Let me inside," Raito whispered, pressing another, slightly deeper kiss into his mouth. L wished he had enough presence of mind to make a tart remark that Raito was already quite inside of him, but he couldn't say it.

"Don't you have feelings for me?" Raito withdrew enough to ask sweetly.

Danger. L could almost see the halo the brunet was doing his best to project. "Should I?" he countered hoarsely, heart clenching.

Raito's body, which had firmed up again, moved more certainly inside his. "Would you let me do this if you didn't?" Those eyes were confident, but deep within...a flicker of uncertainty.

"Do you really think anyone has a choice with you?" L asked a little sharply. "Don't you just push your own desires onto everyone else? Speaking of which, please stop."

"What if I don't want to stop yet?" Raito asked, half-teasing.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about. Only your feelings matter to you. How could anyone be with you?"

Raito pulled back, withdrawing abruptly. He paused only a moment before turning away and getting out of the bed. "You're right, of course," he replied shortly, heading directly for the bathroom again.

No argument? No taunting? No anger? L brooded over Raito's behavior as he began to clean up and dress, trying not to be concerned. He wasn't about to cater to the brunet by trying to soothe him.

Raito clenched his fists as he took yet another shower, trying not to feel anything. L's words had hurt. Humiliation, yet again. The worst part of it all was that it wasn't acting, and that those cold words had taken him by surprise, tearing apart the warmth he had been feeling.

His only comfort was that he had definitely succeeded better this time than he had the last. L was also losing control. He could close his eyes and see that vulnerable face, naked of all defenses.

So that's what you really look like.

Raito replayed their encounter in his mind, patiently pulling out the clues to L's feelings for further analysis.

Though L tried to avoid the intimacy initially, he welcomed me quite enthusiastically once he forgot himself. I do believe that this is the most that he has ever lost control. So what is it that I am missing? What is it that-

A light knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, and he heard it open a second later. "Raito-kun does realize that serial killers, even retired serial killers, are not appealing partners, does he not?"

Raito tensed, freezing in his ministrations. L's tone was facetious, but there was the honorific and the barb of the words themselves. "Have you come merely to harass me, or is there some point that you wished to make?" he asked coolly, feeling needled. I have to stop him from getting to me like this.

"A pretty face does not a beauty make," L said soberly, shutting the door.

Fists clenching again, anger surged through him. He was not going to let that go. Raito wrenched the shower curtain aside and rushed out, flinging the door open to deal with L.

L turned around, surprised and wide-eyed.

"Don't you dare give me that self-righteous, hypocritical bullshit about spiritual beauty! I don't need your fucking approval, you OCD, socially dysfunctional prick, and you like being fucked by me! You beg for it! You don't want anyone else, especially not some virtuous and noble fool! You revel in what I do to you!" Raito felt his teeth clench and watched as his hand lashed out to grab the base of nearest lamp, hurling it to floor with all his strength.

L opened his mouth to respond, face flushing with rage.

Raito was faster. Without realizing it, he had closed the distance between them, and his closed fist connected with that defiant face, knocking L to the ground. Before he knew it, he was on top of the other boy, his hands wrapped about L's throat, clenching and shaking. Throttling. "You can't live without me!" someone screamed, voice cracking into an almost unbearable register. Was that...his voice?

Terror had replaced the rage in the pale face below him, and those long-fingered hands desperately tore at his, trying to force him to release the vulnerable throat that he was so helplessly crushing. With a gasp, Raito released L's throat, suddenly realizing that he didn't want to kill the detective.

L sat up on his elbows, gasping, and struggled to escape the pinning weight of Raito's body.

"No," he breathed, pushing his companion down again. He knew what would happen if he let L go like this. "I'm so sorry, Ryuu...zaki, I...I..." He relaxed, laying his head on the dark-haired boy's chest and listening to the wildly thudding heart. "You scared me," he finished hoarsely, vaguely aware that his throat was going to be sore later from screaming so violently.

No response from his former captive but trembling.

"Please," he murmured, shutting his eyes tightly. "Please, Ryuuzaki, I lost control. I thought...you were going to leave me."

"You're insane," L choked out, trying to push him off with panicky, ineffectual hands.

"But I...I...can't stand these goddamned feelings that you inflict upon me," Raito ground out, clenching a fist in L's shirt as the anger spiked briefly. He forced himself to release the fabric, to smooth it gently. "You...why do you torment me like this?"

"Me? Torment you?" The incredulity and outrage in L's rasping tone was almost palpable. "You...just choked me, Yagami! Just bloody choked me! I don't want you anywhere near me!"

"Then why did you come to my apartment!" Raito belted out in resentful anguish, surging up onto his hands so that he could stare down into the other boy's face. He was stricken by L's appearance, which once again resembled that of a doll that had been roughly used.

The dark eyes that looked up at him had a tremulous, skittish quality. Brimming obsidian, luminous with...unshed tears? "A...mistake," those trembling lips managed to deliver, that voice roughened by the force he had just exerted upon L's neck.

"Oh...oh," Raito whispered, slowly reaching out a hand that trembled just as much as L's lips. He tenderly stroked one pale cheek, brushed those bloodless lips. Watched the detective flinch back from every movement, every touch. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, feeling the regret and pain, disturbed by how the shaking inside of him matched L's appearance so perfectly.

The feeling that he was always overwhelmed by when he was inside of L, when he saw him vulnerable, when he suspected that L felt something for him...that feeling was bleeding in his chest again, filling him up. The strange moved feeling.

L closed his eyes, expression one of pain. "Are you done trying to kill me? I think it's safe to say that I understand your feelings perfectly now-"

"No!" Raito cried, causing those eyes to flutter open again. "You don't understand anything about my feelings! That was...the last thing I wanted to do!"

The other boy's dark gaze was heavy with grief. "I think you know that this was unacceptable, Raito. There's nowhere to go from here. I don't want you here anymore. Go wherever you want."

Go wherever you want. Raito sucked in a shaking breath, stunned. Numbed. "You won't..." ...forgive me? No, he knew he couldn't even ask that of L, the person he had already abused so deeply. The person whose pain he had reveled in, delighted in as a delicacy he consumed.

Aren't we more than this? he wanted to bite out. More than the pathetic voicings of the temporary, superficial feelings that humans so often hand out so cheaply to each other? But Raito knew that he had violated more than one taboo. He couldn't expect that such transgressions would just be pushed aside, especially by someone as logical and self-possessed as L. Even if he had already had the detective's body, mind, and soul in his hands...it wouldn't have been enough to dispel the consequences of such violence to L's person.

L shook his head in response to the unfinished question, averting his eyes. "Leave me alone, Raito. I don't want you to touch me anymore. I don't want to see you anymore. I can't deal with someone like you." Hands pushed more strongly this time and Raito gave way, allowing L to free himself.

Mechanically, Raito rose and donned fresh clothing, trying not to watch as L left the room. After the door closed, he stopped, staring sightlessly at the floor. He couldn't stop hearing the words of complete rejection. "I can't deal with someone like you." But...Ryuu...what about these feelings? "I don't want to see you anymore." I hate these feelings.

Raito glanced at the destroyed lamp on the floor as if in a dream, trying to remember exactly why he had tried to strangle L. He hadn't thought of it at all. His hands had simply moved of their own volition. It was strange that he could have such strong feelings for someone, and yet...do something so counterproductive.

Like an arpeggio of misery, a myriad of images and thoughts cascaded through him of the things he would never know, and never again know, with L. The only person he cared about. The only person who knew his true self in any measure.

His hands...strange traitors that they were. He stared at them, unable to comprehend.

A miracle...to feel such misery. He had never known pain before those dark eyes condemned him.

Raito would never achieve his goal now. He had ruined everything by losing control of himself, and all because of the very same feelings that had driven him to possess the detective.

A/N #2: NO, this is not the last chapter! I couldn't do that to Light. ;_;