Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ Brilliance Tarnished ❯ Life with Matsuda ( Chapter 11 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Raito had planned on not thinking about it for at least a week. 'It' being his little altercation with L.

He had planned on not dwelling on it overmuch. So his attempt to obtain the detective's feelings had failed. It certainly wasn't worth investing further effort. With the way the dark-haired boy had reacted, it was certainly not negotiable.

Raito had only choked L a little. Why was a little choking considered more unforgivable than rape? What was the issue? He doubted that he had even left real bruises!

He suppressed the prickle of irritation and leaned forward, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror with perplexed disgust. His hair was perfect and shining, as usual, but his face. There were the darkening smudges of circles under his eyes, and he looked pale and even a bit ill. L was even ruining his complexion! It was absurd.

It was absurd, but he had been incapable of purging the matter from his mind for even an instant. It had kept him from sleeping properly. It had deprived him of his usual peace-of-mind, haunting his thoughts mercilessly. He’d made the best of his liberation by finding Ryuk an entertaining replacement for Kira in the week that he had been apart from L. Even so, he couldn’t seem to quiet the scratching feeling in the back of his mind. His skin felt perpetually antagonized, as if it needed to be torn off before he would be rid of the raw feeling lurking beneath it.

What was happening to him? Such a loss of control. How did L manage to wrest his control away from him, make him lose his mind so thoroughly?

“Raiiito!” Sayu's voice echoed up the stairs, startling him. “Dinner is almost ready!”

Raito straightened, leaving the bathroom to descend the stairs. “I'm coming,” he replied in his best brother-really-cares voice. It was more difficult than usual to summon the facade. All he felt was anger. Anger and confusion.

“I'm sorry that it's just us tonight. Mom called right before you got here and said that they were staying an extra night with Aunt Otoha because she still seemed--”

“Uh huh,” he interrupted as he entered the kitchen, unable to bear hearing any more.

Sayu turned from the stove to look at him, dark eyes shining with anxiety. “Raito, can I ask you something?”

Raito smiled encouragingly at his sister, although he was immediately on his guard. “Of course, Sayu.”

“That cute little Misa...I know you said that you two weren't together anymore, but what...what happened?”

Misa, of all people. “She left, Sayu. You know how it is in the modeling business. She found some fellow in America that was more her type, she said. An aspiring actor.”

Sayu's eyes shimmered sympathetically at him. “Oh, Raito! How have you been able to bear it? You must be crushed. How do you cope when someone you care about doesn't want you anymore?”

His answer was prepared. This kind of dialogue was as easy as breathing for him, but suddenly he lost his train of thought, breath catching as everything stopped within him. How do you cope when someone you care about doesn't want you anymore? The words lodged oddly in his chest, preventing him from answering Sayu for a long moment.

Raito cleared his throat, fixing his glance on the food simmering in the pan. “You just...walk away, don't you?” His voice sounded very distant, as if it belonged to someone else.

“But what about your feelings?” Sayu cried.

Confused, he looked into her eyes. I don't have feelings, he almost said. The fact that he had almost spoken those words aloud unsettled him even further. “But...what - but it's over,” he managed to force out.

Images from his memories were overwhelming the sight of Sayu's face, his recollections of L completely obscuring his vision. That face, and the knowledge that there was no one else in the world like the detective. There was no one else who knew him.

“I don't want to discuss this anymore,” Raito murmured, feeling as shaken as he had just after choking L.

“You're fine with giving up on the person you love?” Sayu pressed, completely oblivious to the pan she was supposed to be monitoring.

Raito took the spoon from her and began stirring the chanpurû
, trying to prevent it from burning. Trying to block broken dark eyes from his mind. “It doesn't matter!” he snapped. “What is love, Sayu? What is love but self-deception? Self-interest? Selfishness? It's sex, and shared resources, and utilitarian drives. There's no such thing as love.” He ground his teeth, unable to see the food anymore, but continued stirring as if his life depended on it.

“ Raito! That's not true. Love does exist! How can you say that?” Sayu sounded hurt. Disappointed in him. He was slipping again.

He couldn't seem to throttle back on the urge to speak nearly enough. He was grinning as he stirred, grinning with Kira's face. “It's just fucking and fighting, Sayu, nothing more than that.” Please don't let her try to look at my face, he thought desperately, trying to beat back both his true self and his thoughts and memories of L. The urge to be violent spiked through him. Stop tormenting me, you prick. I'd choke you again right now if you were here. I'd give you something real to complain about.

Sayu divested him of the spoon with some effort and leaned to look into his face. Fortunately, he had regained control by that time and was able to smile tightly at her, Kira safely hidden deep inside of him once again.

“Raito, you're scaring me a little,” she said gently, resting a hand on his arm.

“I apologize, Sayu. Misa meant a lot to me, and there was nothing that I could do to keep her with me. It has been tough for me since she left. You're right. You know your brother – always thinks he can handle everything with perfect aplomb!” He forced a laugh, patting her hand before removing it from his person.
Sayu frowned at him, perturbed, and turned the stove off. “If you want to talk about it, Raito—“

I just want to see him once more, Raito thought suddenly, fervently, completely oblivious to anything else Sayu might’ve said in that moment. “I’m sorry, Sayu, but I need some air. I’ll be back in a while.”

“But Raito, it’s ready, and it would just take you a few minutes to—” she began to protest.

Raito ignored her, grabbing his jacket from the rack near the door. He was only thinking about one thing.


L glanced up to see Matsuda texting with a singular intensity. For no reason he could name, it made him feel vaguely unsettled, but he supposed that even the awkward puppy had to have friends. It wasn’t technically breaking any rules since L had lifted the cell phone ban some time ago. After all, he knew who Kira was and where he was likely to be. No surprises there.

Kira. Raito. L covered his eyes for a moment as if merely rubbing them or wiping his face, but was in actuality trying to block out the sight of Raito’s desperate, maddened expression, block out the voice that wildly, jaggedly screamed, “You can’t live without me!”

Watch me, Raito, just watch me. I don’t need you. I should have done this weeks ago. The dreams would pass. The ache would go away. They were just—

The door to headquarters opened, startling him out of his thoughts. Everyone was already present, so who could—

The new arrival made a beeline towards Matsuda, raising a graceful hand to the youngest, stupidest detective of the task force, burnt amber eyes warm and charming. L’s eyes helplessly followed the arc of that gesture, clung to the familiar lines of that form, staring in amazement at the last person he had ever expected to see.

Regaining his senses, L turned away sharply, peering at his computer screen with burning eyes that saw nothing but Raito’s smiling face. His throat had closed up on him, and his heart was hammering with panic. He had no idea what to do with this violation of his space, this deliberate flaunting of the last prohibitions he had left for Raito. A strange, prickling heat washed through his body, leaving him dizzy.

Slowly, he turned his head just enough to slide a surreptitious glance over at the small group greeting Raito. Not once did those eyes glance in his direction. It was as if he didn’t exist. Matsuda had latched onto Raito’s arm and it seemed like nothing would be done anytime soon to dislodge him.

L turned his face back to the computer screen, clenching his teeth. The room that headquarters had been located in had been changed after his altercation with Raito, and so had the code. The only way Raito could have located headquarters and managed to enter was with inside assistance. Matsuda. L did his best to block out the murmur of jovial voices behind him as anger sparked and grew inside of him. There was no way that he could work like this. But there was no way that he could leave, conceding his own territory to the invader.

Hunching his shoulders, he decided to reorganize the folders on his hard drive.




Raito smiled warmly at Matsuda as he accepted the mug of coffee the young man offered him, maintaining his charm at maximum. He leaned close to speak into the clueless detective’s ear. “I really owe you, Matsuda-kun. Ryuuzaki can be so petulant and immature. I wish he were more like you, frankly. You’re a man that inspires admiration, after all.”

Matsuda blushed darkly, eyes shining and enchanted as they stared into his. “An-anything for you, Raito-kun. He hasn’t treated you right from the beginning, you know, and…the offer from before is still open. I’d be happy to, you know, spend time with you.”

“You’re so sweet,” Raito murmured, lowering his lashes as he lightly brushed his fingertips over the back of Matsuda’s hand.  

The witless wonder became even more flustered, averting his eyes and picking up a random file folder to flip through. “I-I-It’s my pleasure. I’ll get back to work now.” With that, Matsuda fled to the other side of the room, but not without stealing several smitten glances back at Raito.

Raito made sure to catch them and return them, for L’s benefit if nothing else. Although an undeniable gravity was trying to drag his gaze to seek out his former captive, he avoided doing so with all his strength, instead moving to take up residence at a vacant workstation not too far from Matsuda’s.

Want to look. Want to touch and crush. Like various types of flora, L gave up his best, most intoxicating scent when bruised. Raito fought the urge to lean back in his chair as the heavy syrup of his need and addiction to L filled his body. The desire was pounding in him so forcefully that he wondered if it had been a mistake to return to headquarters. Worse, he didn’t even have any real work to do. Regardless, he had to make some attempt so that the others wouldn’t wonder. He began researching recent news articles, acting as if he were interested in trying to find trends that might reveal any hint of Kira.

As his fingers darted across the keyboard, his mind was filled with reminiscing and future plans of conquest. It’s not over, L, he thought feverishly. It can’t be over. I won’t allow it to be. Soon you’ll see that there’s only one reasonable choice.




L glared at Watari’s lack of concern and pointed angrily at camera 3, which had the best view of Raito’s angelic face. “I cannot work like this! It has been like this for a week now, and I can’t take it anymore! Can’t you do something?”

Watari arched a brow. “Sir, I regret to remind you of this, but you never failed to reject my advice and assistance with regard to this particular individual previously, so why should you seek it now? You’re just going to have to handle it on your own. Can you not ask him to leave? Did something happen between the two of you?” Watari peered at L suspiciously.

L glanced away briefly, doing his best not to recall the humiliation or anything else associated with Raito. If he did, it would certainly blaze across his face and give him away, and he did not wish to provide Watari with any details whatsoever. “No, I’m just…I’m done with him, and I already told him that I didn’t need his help anymore. Besides, he’s…” …all over Matsuda.

“He’s what?” Watari prompted, swiveling in his chair to more fully face L.

“Just distracting, that’s all,” L muttered, glaring resentfully at Raito’s profile.

Watari stared pointedly at L before saying slowly, “This is why you should have spent more time around other people.”

L sighed explosively and left the monitoring room without another word to Watari, knowing that it was useless. He wasn’t even certain why he had bothered to go to him in the first place, other than some misguided feeling of trust or affection for his caretaker. Raito was a problem that would not go away without his intervention. If the brunet had directly challenged or cornered him, it would have been far easier to deal with, but so far the other boy had painstakingly avoided him and had never once acted as if L even existed. It was maddening. He had begun to long for that honey-amber gaze to settle upon him, for just one glance, one flicker of reaction to his presence.

Is that your game? he thought angrily at his former captor. What rankled the most was that it was actually working. Even though he knew that it was almost certainly Raito’s objective to manipulate and rattle him, he was unable to remain indifferent to it. But it wasn’t just being ignored – it was that Raito was positively doting on Matsuda as if they were lovers. Even the other members of the task force had taken note, though nothing had been verbally acknowledged. The display made L nauseous, but there was nothing he could do about it unless he found a way to remove Raito.

The sick thing was that being able to see Raito every day still fed something inside of him – something that had been left starving and frantic after their last encounter. But his sleep was more disturbed, not less. Since returning, Raito was in his dreams and nightmares even more frequently. They woke him up more often than not, leaving him disturbed and restless.

Absorbed in his thoughts, he mechanically went down to the lobby to get a cup of coffee, still not up to facing Raito and Matsuda in person. A cup of coffee would be a perfect explanation for his absence – as if he really needed one. Even his way of thinking had become skewed since the events with Raito.

After collecting his coffee, instead of heading back to headquarters immediately, he decided to take a detour to the restroom. It wouldn’t do to settle in – secretly working on his other cases while pretending to hunt Kira – only to have to disturb his train of thought for a restroom break.

As soon as he set foot in the restroom, he knew something was off. The sound of hitching breath was the first clue. The second was what sounded distinctly like Matsuda’s voice pleading in a low, breathy tone, “Raito-kun, please…let me!”

L froze, paralyzed by horror. It couldn’t be what he thought it was. Couldn’t be. He had lost his mind. He was hearing things.

A low, familiar laugh answered that plea, raising the hair on the back of L’s neck. “Are you always so eager?” came the gentle taunt.

Without thinking about what he was doing, L lurched into motion, rushing towards the offending stall. As he lifted his foot and aimed a forceful kick at the door, he realized that he was feeling an overwhelming rage towards the occupants of that stall and wanted nothing more than to break in and beat them senseless. He heard the lock break as his foot impacted the door and sent it swinging violently inward, provoking a pained squawk from Matsuda before it bounced back. As the door swung open again, this time more slowly, L was able to see that Raito was pinned against the wall of the stall by the other detective, shirt open and slacks undone.

Raito’s languid gaze found L, captured him, and dismissed him, all in a matter of moments. With a sensuous smile, the brunet leaned into Matsuda and said huskily, “It seems we can’t continue here. Maybe later, at your place…?”

L had no idea what expression was on his face. Had no idea what his body might have been doing, because he could no longer feel anything. Every atom of his being was focused on Raito, his vision blacked out around the edges. He couldn’t see anything else. Couldn’t think anything else.

“You’re such a whore,” L heard himself mutter hoarsely.

Those eyes slid back to him, acquiring a cold, predatory glint. “Oh, and what’s with this puritanical attitude? I seem to remember that you’re not much different when you’re on your back with your legs spread.”

Matsuda’s expression became uncertain and he edged back from Raito just the slightest bit.

L thought distantly that his blood pressure must be quite elevated by this point. It felt as if the back of his neck and skull were being crushed in a vise. Suddenly, he was much closer to Raito, and Matsuda was pressed back in the corner of the stall as far away from the two of them as he could manage. Blood appeared at the corner of the brunet’s mouth, and those mocking eyes seemed startled. Startled by something he had done? Where had the blood come from? Why were they so close? The lips moved, but L couldn’t hear anything but the roaring of rage and pain in his mind. He had to shatter that face that took such pleasure in cutting him apart.

He had to…without warning, everything went black, and L knew no more.


Raito held the unconscious L in his arms, finally able to gaze upon him freely. There was peace in just being able to finally embrace the slender, fragile frame. He felt something like tenderness for the detective at this moment, despite the fact that he had just been punched quite hard. Twice. That L could lose himself so completely at seeing Raito with someone else, attack him, and then pass out from the emotional overload was just…too precious for words. It made him smile as he hadn’t smiled in weeks.

“Raito-kun…? What..?” Matsuda was still there, looking between Raito and L anxiously and wringing his hands.

“Matsuda-kun, I think poor Ryuuzaki has taken leave of his senses momentarily. I’ll take care of him until he wakes up. I’ll return to headquarters in a bit, so just go ahead without me.”

Matsuda spared him an uncertain look before nodding and leaving the restroom.

Allowing Matsuda to slobber, paw, and fawn at him was worth it, if only for that fractured expression that had been on L’s face for too short a time. Raito had obviously won the first battle, but he wanted to see his former captive lose control again and again, more profoundly, just like this time.

Raito strained to hold L upright against himself with one arm while fixing his clothing with the other, taking a moment to dampen a paper towel with soap and water in order to wipe off the skin that Matsuda had contaminated. He then gathered L into his arms for carrying, leaning close to inhale the scent of that dark hair, to press his face into that vulnerable neck. The detective was not as heavy as he had feared. Too light, in fact. He would easily be able to get L to the room that he had reserved here for convenience. It was probably a bad idea, but it was a golden opportunity to force L to listen to him for just a few minutes, and he couldn’t resist taking advantage of it, even if the consequences might be unpleasant. What did he have to lose?


L stirred weakly, groaning. He felt sick and woozy, his mind clouded, and he couldn’t remember anything immediately. He was in a bed – he knew that much. A familiar scent, at once welcome and disturbing, filtered into his awareness. There was also an unusual weight upon him.

He had been… and then he’d overheard familiar voices…Raito. Raito and Matsuda! He opened his eyes, trying to surge up, but a clang and a jerk at his wrists prevented him. He realized that the weight upon him was a person, a person suddenly lifting his head in startlement—Raito. Those eyes fixed on his face, intense and unreadable.

“I just want you to listen to me for a few minutes,” Raito said quietly.

L glanced up at his wrists, realizing that he had been unable to get up because he was handcuffed to the headboard. He felt a surge of bitter fear. “Well, here we are again. Amazing how you have to restrain me to take advantage of me when I’m apparently as much of a whore as you are.” His tone was sarcastic and biting.

“I shouldn’t have said that. I was angry. You always try to deny—“

“You were angry?? And how exactly should I feel when you invade my space, disrespect my wishes, and interfere with my work by going for the weakest link?” he shot back venomously.

“Is that why you punched me and fainted?” Raito asked softly.

L looked away from the edge of those eyes for a moment, jerking his wrists against the restraint in frustration. “Get away from me. I already told you that I don’t want to see your face. Are you here to give killing me another go? Do I need to get a restraining order?” L could feel his body beginning to tremble at the fury of his emotions and at Raito’s proximity. He had to get away.

Raito’s gaze sharpened. “I wasn’t interacting with you at all. You’re the one that kicked the stall door in and attacked me. Why did you do that?”

L gritted his teeth. The brunet’s body heat was unbearable. “Because you were about to defile the restroom and I’d hate for anyone else to have to be discomfited by your grotesque display and lack of restraint.”

A sly smile crept across Raito’s face and the brunet tipped his head down to hide it, but L suspected it was only habit and not a real attempt to disguise anything. Being in this position was unfortunately reminiscent of other things, and even though his mind knew that he no longer had any connection to Raito whatsoever, his body was still responding as if nothing had changed between them. He hoped fervently that Raito didn’t realize it before he could extricate himself from the current situation.

“Grotesque, is it?” that voice was warm and liquid, oozing into the cracks in L’s resistance. “Is that why you behaved so aggressively? It wasn’t that you couldn’t stand Matsuda being the one there with me? Didn’t you wish that—“

L interrupted harshly. “Matsuda isn’t the issue – it’s you I can’t stand! You disgust me!” He tried to kick Raito off of him and felt his shoe connect solidly with Raito’s shin. A moment’s satisfaction, at last!

Suddenly, the brunet’s eyes narrowed with anger. “You really do have to get a grip on that temper of yours, Ryuu. I do so hate it when you provoke me into reactions that we both regret.”

“Don’t even bring that up—“ L warned in a low voice, glaring back into eyes that were beginning to look like Kira’s. He would not be intimidated by this person anymore. He would not.

Raito straddled L without retreating from his personal space. “I think we need to talk about it since it obviously upset you,” the brunet insisted in a steely tone.

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore. There’s nothing to talk about. If you don’t want me to advise the authorities of what I know of you—“ L’s body was trying to cringe away from Raito’s, expecting to be taunted at any moment for his growing arousal. But if the owner of those frightening eyes had noticed the state of the traitorous body pinned beneath him, he was choosing not to acknowledge it at this moment.

That beautiful face leered at him. “Oh, threatening my life again? Honestly, Ryuuzaki, I don’t even care anymore. If you have no issue with killing me, then do your best.”

L stared up into the brunet’s eyes, fascinated with the subtle interplay of emotion that was occurring within them. The other boy didn’t care about his own life anymore? Is that what he was saying? Raito, the self-preservationist? L struggled to analyze it, but his senses and ability to think were slowly being overwhelmed by Raito’s weight, image, and mere presence.

“What’s the matter?” Raito murmured, something strange softening his gaze. “No cutting remarks to make to that? You would say that my life had no worth anyway, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you want to take advantage of my lack of interest in self-preservation in order to defeat me once and for all? For your justice?” As if hypnotized, the brunet had been leaning closer and closer as he spoke, closing the distance between their faces. But those eyes never left L’s. Lightly, their lips brushed.

L heard himself make a soft noise as he turned his head away, closing his eyes against his will. Whether it was to escape the situation or because he was trying to deny his desire, he didn’t know. But the motion brought him closer to Raito’s scent, left on the pillow. This was the bed that Raito had slept in last night. The knowledge shouldn’t have mattered, but he became momentarily obsessed with the thought that he was lying in the faint impression that the other boy’s body had left only hours before.

He jumped as he felt lips caress his neck, his collarbone. The attention stirred his body more strongly, so he summoned the memory of the brunet screaming at him, of those perfect hands trying to throttle the life out of him. The only things between them were violence and lust. There was no reason whatsoever to respond to Raito in this way.

“Stop,” he forced out hoarsely in the faintest voice imaginable. The situation was wrong, but he couldn’t seem to summon the outrage he had felt only minutes before, or even the rage he had felt when he had seen Raito allowing Matsuda such liberties. Some small part of his mind whispered that there would be no room for anyone else in that cunning mind while it was preoccupied with him.

Raito paused, raising his head to deliver a gentle, teasing kiss to L’s parted lips. Without thinking, he almost tried to capture them with his own before he restrained himself at the last moment. Those amber eyes had darkened, and when they met his, he saw the awareness in them of his own desire, his own damning responses.

“Stop?” Raito prompted softly, brushing his lips over L’s more firmly this time, more possessively.

L closed his eyes, trying to summon the will needed to reject Raito more forcefully. No matter how regretful he is, he still choked me for very little reason, L reminded himself. Besides, Raito could do this with anyone. The knowledge was a bitter splinter in his throat. “Do you enjoy forcing the unwilling? Is that the best food for your ego? It doesn’t matter who it is, after all—” Lips settling fully on his stopped the flow of bitter words. He tried to twist away urgently, knowing that he must not, under any circumstances, allow Raito to kiss him, but the brunet seized L’s face in both hands and worked his way past the resistance.

A sick sense of relief flooded through L’s body as Raito’s mouth moved against his, as the taste of the other boy filled his senses. Every time his former captor pressed forward, even the slightest bit, their bodies ground together, breaking L’s defenses down even more. He was going to lose against his desire for Raito unless an outside force intervened. The knowledge inspired shame in him, but all intimacy with the other boy did the same.

He’s making it okay for me to lose again, L thought bitterly. I’m helpless, handcuffed, so it’s not my fault if I give in to him. It’s not my…

Raito’s hand had slipped into L’s jeans to fondle him, but their mouths remained sealed together, mercifully cutting off any noises that might have escaped him. How kind of the sociopath to spare his pride just the slightest bit. Being with Raito like this felt too good to him, and it was too easy to give in to the sensations wrapping about his body and dragging him down. The sensations that so neatly masked any feelings he might have.

L was too dazed to do more than feel vaguely puzzled when their kiss was broken. He opened his eyes to watch muzzily as Raito unbuttoned the jeans and pulled them off of L’s slender, pale hips, along with his boxers. He felt himself blushing harder as he gazed upon the evidence of his attraction to Raito, as he was gazed upon by Raito before their eyes met. L closed his eyes quickly again, not wanting to be a party to anything between the two of them. He shuddered as he felt that hot breath surrounded him, clenched his teeth as a wet heat slid slowly down his length, holding him tightly. After only a brief moment, he was released.

“Do you want me to continue?” Raito’s voice asked, roughened with desire.

L opened his eyes reluctantly, just before Raito began to tease him with small licks and kisses. He jerked each time that mouth connected with his body in any way, unable to maintain the illusion of aloof stoicism. If he failed to answer, surely it would resume.

Raito glanced up at him, then leaned back, sliding off of the bed to rise. L watched with slight alarm, unable to believe that the brunet might actually leave him there, but then the clothing began to come off. That inspired an altogether different variety of anxiety within him, churning with a twisting excitement. Raito was going to take him again. He braced himself, even more aroused than before. His body was aching for what he dreaded as his companion returned to the bed, entirely nude, lubricant in hand.

But instead of picking up where he had left off, his former captor laid himself down on the bed apart from L, yet still in plain view. The bottle of lubricant was opened and applied to Raito’s arousal with long strokes of the hands that had just been caressing L. He watched hungrily as the other boy shuddered, able to clearly see that face and those reactions. But the burnt amber eyes remained closed.

“I want to be inside of you,” Raito murmured huskily in a low voice, almost whispering. Those hands moved slowly, stroking the brunet’s arousal with a sensuality that was painful to watch.

L felt his mouth go dry, unable to tear his eyes away from the beautiful form so close to him, yet so far away. He couldn’t touch Raito even if he wanted to, and there was no sign that he himself would be touched again anytime soon. His body was aching unbearably, wrapped up in the other boy’s every reaction, every twitch.

Raito bit his lower lip, gasping, and increased his pace. “Ryuu, please…take me in even deeper. I want to go right through you.” Hips rose to meet the stroking hands now, pace ragged and increasingly desperate. “Swallow me,” Raito pled urgently, expression twisting into one of pleasurable torment.

L watched with burning eyes, his body tight with the agony of unspent pleasure that was continuing to build, almost past the point of sanity. His breath was rushing in and out in rough gasps, and he was panting hard with Raito as if they were doing this together. But there was no relief for him, only an increasing need to tangle himself with the other boy. The desperate, shameful words were gathering behind his teeth. It didn’t matter anymore that those hands had once choked him. All he wanted was for them to descend upon him and relieve him of the torment.

Raito’s teeth were obviously clenched now, expression tight and desperate with what looked to be almost pain. “Only…you…can…” The rest of that broken sentence was lost in a low, sobbing moan as the brunet lost control, body convulsing and bowing as he shook with the spilling of his pleasure into his own hands and across his flat, tawny stomach.

L held his breath, almost choking on his need. He watched those eyes open lazily, watched as they skimmed over his desire-wracked body. “You’re always so good, even if it’s only in my mind,” Raito said smugly, offering L a vulpine grin welling with satisfaction and sexuality. “Did you enjoy the show, Ryuuzaki? Why, I do believe you’re actually wet.”

L felt his face burn with humiliation as Raito leaned close to examine his frantically aroused body, trying not to quiver as the other boy’s breath touched him. He would not speak.

“I might be able to help you if you ask nicely,” Raito teased, gaze heavy with innuendo and intent as those eyes bore into his.

“Do what you want,” L ground out, struggling with himself not to give in and beg shamelessly.

“Oh?” Raito inquired archly, obviously amused. The brunet bent and lightly ran his ruinous tongue and lips over the inside of L’s upper thigh, feathery hair brushing the part of him that needed to be touched the most. The drawing pressure of the wet, lingering kisses was the most devastating.

L choked back his moan and his body broke into unrestrained trembling. He was so very, very close. It was driving him mad. He fought the words trying to take shape upon his lips. He would not beg. He fought his body with every ounce of his will as Raito’s ministrations continued, lazily switching from one thigh to the other.

“Oh, I’m impressed. You’re still fighting your body so fiercely, Ryuu.”

Teasing. Taunting. That voice was like an extension of the brunet’s fingertips, stroking over him and finding all of his secret, vulnerable places and taking advantage of them mercilessly. He felt lips on his hip and his shuddering intensified. When Raito began to trail kisses across his lower stomach, he knew he was done for. Every brush, every sensation was a burning, shaking torture of monumental proportions.

As if sensing the snapping of his will and endurance, Raito’s mouth quickly took him in and began stroking him, pushing him violently over the edge. He heard his own voice rising and falling in desperate abandon, but he was unable to control himself anymore, especially not after finally being given in full measure what he had longed for so fiercely for what seemed like hours.

Even after the tension had left his body, he couldn’t seem to stop shuddering. Raito pressed close to him, arms wrapping around him, and kissed his lips lightly as if they had been lovers for years. It disturbed L that all of this felt so natural and inevitable, even down to the way the other boy held him after their lust was spent.

“That was listening to you for a few minutes?” L asked hoarsely as his arms began to ache.

“You didn’t want to listen,” Raito murmured, nuzzling into the curve of L’s neck.

“Why do you insist on keeping up this charade?” he demanded, discomfited by the pleasure and rightness of being close to the brunet.

“It’s not a charade,” the other boy replied quietly. “I don’t want to stay away from you anymore. I…can’t.” The warmth and weight left L’s side momentarily and he heard the bedside table drawer open and close. When Raito’s weight returned, he felt those hands at his wrists and was suddenly no longer restrained.

L rubbed his wrists, scrutinizing Raito’s earnest, somewhat dark expression. “But I’ve already told you…” …that I didn’t want to see you ever again.

...because I’m not strong enough to stay away from you, even if you hurt me.

Raito shook his head slowly. “No, no one else will do. I don’t feel anything at all with them. The only way I can become aroused with other people is by thinking about you. That seems rather pointless, don’t you think?”

It took a moment for that to sink into his thoughts as L was still quite disturbed at having realized that he was incapable of remaining apart from Raito if they were in close proximity with each other. He blinked as he absorbed the other boy’s confession, and the apparent sincerity with which it was delivered.

L looked down at his hands, rubbing his wrist thoughtfully. He couldn’t face Raito right now, couldn’t give him any answers or commitments. But he knew that things couldn’t go on like this. “What do you want from me?” he asked flatly.

“For us to go back to the way we were before,” Raito replied fervently.

The brunet’s intensity beat against L’s skin; he didn’t have to look up to perceive it. It was always battering him and crisping the outer layers of his being. Raito had always been the only person who could break his skin and split him open like this. Wasn’t that even more reason to deny his former captor’s request, to flee in whatever way possible? If he remained within reach of this beautiful, sad excuse for a human being, it would be his downfall. He would never escape.

“I can’t talk about this right now,” L muttered, gathering his clothing and getting to his feet. He avoided looking at the bed or Raito as he dressed, not wishing to be confronted with his latest shame. Worst of all, he still hungered for the other boy, still longed to be borne down and inescapably possessed by him.

Raito was strangely silent.

L risked a quick glance as he finished dressing and was surprised to see that those amber eyes were dull and downcast, their owner sitting motionless as if he weren’t even alive. He felt a pang of concern for Raito, but his sense of self-preservation wouldn’t allow him to say anything more. It could be an act. Couldn’t it? He was looking at a professional liar, after all.

He escaped the room before he could be stopped, but really, the damage had already been done. More than ever, Raito was inside of him.

More than ever. I have to find a way out.
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