Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ motivation -Death Note ❯ motivation -Death Note ( Chapter 1 )

motivation - Death Note

 

 

A cloyingly sweet smell hung in the air and Light Yagami eyed the coffee table with distaste. Half-eaten dishes of once tempting desserts had been discarded and left to waste, some barely nibbled, more that a few untouched at all. Slices of cake were abandoned and dried out, their sugary frosting gone stiff as old paste. A dish of sweet custard with caramel sauce looked particularly unappetizing after three days of neglect.

 

At the edge of the mess, a teacup coated with milky film stood guard. Someone had built a defensive wall made up of sugar cubes and miniature marshmallows around the edge of the saucer. Like a prize for the man brave enough to breach that wall, a lone strawberry was just beginning to fuzz over, its bright color slowly darkening while the neglected fruit descended to rot and withered spoilage.

 

It was really quite disgusting. Light's mother was a fastidious housekeeper and had raised her children be tidy. Although he understood that Ryuuzaki's mind worked differently than those of ordinary people and respected the man's keen intellect, those qualities did not make for a pleasant roommate.

 

“Are you ever going to clean up this mess?” Light asked as he extracted a piece of gummy candy from between two cushions.

 

“I'll call someone tomorrow,” Ryuuzaki answered, not looking away from the laptop where he continued to run endless simulation programs. Light scowled as he looked over the man's shoulder. Same response as he'd gotten yesterday. It looked like Ryuuzaki was still working on the same problem and still getting the same results. Nothing.

 

You could feel the frustration in the room when the team met. The way that they avoided each other's eyes, the lack of communication or leadership from Ryuuzaki had cast a gloom over the investigators. No new evidence or leads had been presented, and still Kira continued to kill criminals with impunity.

 

Judging by the man's behavior and disinterested manner, Light could only guess that Ryuuzaki must be depressed. He seemed to have lost his drive, his passion for capturing Kira. Light had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't because they'd run out of fresh leads.

 

No, it was disappointment. Just as incarceration had proven Misa Amane to not be the second Kira, Light's own innocence had been confirmed. His heart still thumped hard in his chest when he remembered how his father had pointed a gun at his face informed him that he was about to executed for his crimes.

 

Crimes that he hadn't committed, Light was dead sure of it and could not fathom why he'd asked Ryuuzaki to lock him up in the first place. No one understood how Kira worked, what his secrets or methods might be. They didn't know how the murderer managed to carry out so many brutal executions, what his plans were, or what twisted plan he was trying to accomplish.

 

Light fairly burned with the desire to know the answers.

 

Not Ryuuzaki, at least, not anymore. Instead the world's greatest detective sat pouting like a child because he'd been wrong about his initial assumptions. He'd become fixated on his belief that Light Yagami was Kira and ignored all evidence to the contrary. Being proven wrong by the simple expediency of facts after he'd built such a convincing case had to sting like a bitch.

 

And then there was the other matter, the one that neither Ryuuzaki nor Light had spoken of since that night. For weeks now, Light had hardly been able to look at Ryuuzaki without flushing. His body went hot and cold when he remembered how hard he'd come, or the desperate way his hips had thrust into Ryuuzaki's hot flesh. It was partly anger that Ryuuzaki had used him in such a way…and more than partly humiliation that his body had enjoyed it so much.

 

They were still living chained at the wrists for most of the day, but without explanation Ryuuzaki had relented in certain circumstances. Now the chain was removed when one of them needed to use the toilet and Light was able to shower in privacy. At least as long as at least one other member of the team was present in the hotel suite to keep careful watch on the bathroom door.

 

And now Light slept alone in the bedroom while Ryuuzaki camped out on the hotel's comfortable sofa. Honestly, he didn't know if he was relieved or embarrassingly disappointed that there would be no opportunity to repeat the experience.

 

That didn't mean that Light wasn't being observed. Ryuuzaki still insisted on keeping him close and refused to let anyone else be alone with Light at any time. Frustrating as it was, Light accepted these terms because it meant that he had access to any information Ryuuzaki received and able to take part in the investigation as a full member of the team.

 

And as a member of the investigation, Light took it personally that Ryuuzaki seemed to have lost interest. He'd confronted him on it once, even slugged him hard in the face when he'd realized that Ryuuzaki was completely disinterested in the case simply because Light Yagami was not Kira.

 

He'd lost his motivation, plain and simple. And that made Light angry.

 

Now he looked around at the mess and decided something had to be done. Too much was at stake, too many lives and reputations. The police had already been humiliated by their failure once, Light wasn't about to let it happen again just because Ryuuzaki was acting like a sullen child.

 

Grimacing, he leaned over Ryuuzaki's shoulder and turned off his computer.

 

“We need to talk,” Light said coldly.

 

Ryuuzaki didn't acknowledge his words or even turn around. Instead he reached for a box of brightly colored candies. Pouring them out in front of him, he began meticulously arranging the sweets in neat lines, grouping them by color. Knowing this would likely lead to another fight, Light walked around the crouching detective and deliberately scattered his candy with a swift kick.

 

Slowly, Ryuuzaki raised his chin and stared up at him. “Yes, Light-kun?”

 

The dark circles under Ryuuzaki's eyes seemed more pronounced than ever and his skin was pale. For a moment, Light hesitated. What if there was something more to it than just a peeved annoyance that his pet theory hadn't panned out? Could Ryuuzaki be ill?

 

“I want to talk to you about the case,” Light said carefully. “We're not making much progress and I think it's time we looked for a new direction.”

 

Ryuuzaki tilted his head to the side as if contemplating. “No. I am satisfied with our current investigation.”

 

Satisfied? Light held his breath and counted slowly to ten. He was satisfied that they had uncovered no new leads, that they were no closer to catching the criminal than they'd been days ago? It was if Ryuuzaki had chosen to wait out the killer, hoping that Kira might just show up one morning and turn himself in.

 

Okay, let's start this again. “Ryuuzaki, how can you say you're satisfied? As a member of the investigating team, I have serious concerns about the lack of progress. It's been weeks since we've had any new information to report to the chief and the longer we wait, the more likely it is that there won't be any leads.”

 

Ryuuzaki's expression was very cold. “The full responsibility is still mine, Light-kun. I am in charge of the team, and the direction we take with our investigations. Your concern is unnecessary.”

 

“It's not only my concern,” Light said softly. “It's my father's as well. And Matsuda, Mori…the other detectives.”

 

“They have not said so.”

 

Light knelt so he could be eye to eye with Ryuuzaki. “They respect you and your instincts. That doesn't mean that they aren't troubled by your behavior.”

 

Ryuuzaki leaned back and nibbled casually at a fingertip. “Are you saying they appointed you their spokesman?” he asked in an only slightly sarcastic tone. “I find that difficult to believe, Light-kun.”

 

Throttling Ryuuzaki wouldn't solve the case, so Light only clenched his fists, digging his fingernails into his knees instead of Ryuuzaki's throat. “No, they didn't ask me to say anything. But if you were paying attention, you would have seen that they…”

 

“I have been paying attention.” Ryuuzaki's eyes were like darkened ice, cold and unyielding. “You are the one who is unaware of the situation. And as a very junior member of the team, you are here on my tolerance only.”

 

Bristling, Light got to his feet. Ryuuzaki did the same, but the disinterested look had disappeared and instead his movements were deliberate, almost predatory.

 

“Do you want to be dismissed from this case?”

“No, I…”

 

Ryuuzaki held up his wrist, the long chain clinking. “As I said, you are only here on my tolerance. I am not infinitely patient, Light-kun. And you are still a suspect.”

 

That was completely unfair and Light glared at Ryuuzaki. “I think that's exactly the problem,” he said angrily. “You can't get past the fact that you were wrong about me. That's why you won't consider any other leads and are risking this investigation for your own petty reasons!”

 

To his surprise, Ryuuzaki looked away. “My reasons are not petty,” he said quietly. “But I can't dismiss my former conclusions until I have been satisfied that they were in error.”

 

Light grabbed the other man's shoulder. “Kira didn't stop killing while I was locked up with you watching me constantly. Isn't that proof?” When Ryuuzaki didn't answer, Light dug his fingers into the man's shirt until he felt him shift away.

 

“What about the test my father gave me and Misa?” Light's voice shook. “Do you have any idea what that felt like, having your own father put a gun in your face? Do you know what that must have cost him, knowing that he had to make me, his son, think I was going to die?”

 

“That was merely to see how you'd react under stress,” Ryuuzaki answered distantly. “It would have been interesting if you'd proven yourself to be Kira, but the fact that you did not…only means that the experiment was inconclusive.”

 

Righteous anger made his gut clench and Light couldn't help himself. He shoved Ryuuzaki hard, sending the man sprawling to the ground. This time, Light was ready for Ryuuzaki's defense and managed to dodge a vicious kick, grapping with the man's wrists until he managed to pin him down.

 

“You are such a bastard,” Light hissed between his teeth. “The way you manipulate people until you get the results you want…you're just a big fake, aren't you? The great L, master detective…it's all a lie!”

 

Ryuuzaki glared up at him. “As I suspected, you think like a petulant child, Light-kun. You demand to be treated as an equal member of my team, but you let your emotions rule you instead of using logic.”

 

“Of course I'm emotional,” Light bit out. “You'll destroy my life and anyone else's just to prove yourself right. No matter what I do, I can't prove my innocence because you've already decided that I'm guilty.”

 

Shifting his weight, Light was unprepared when Ryuuzaki managed to free his hands and delivered a stinging uppercut to Light's jaw. It made him reel away, flailing with his arms and he heard Ryuuzaki grunt when his elbow made contact with the other man's forehead.

 

He got Ryuuzaki's knee in the stomach when he tried to recover his balance and for a moment they fought desperately, silently, as if epithets and curses were beyond this fight. Somehow, Light managed to regain the advantage, flipping Ryuuzaki face down and wedging a forearm under the man's chin.

 

“Why me?” he whispered, his lips only inches from Ryuuzaki's ear. “It's not just because Raye Penber died after he followed me, the other FBI agents died at the same time. He showed me his ID on the bus, but I didn't know he was supposed to be investigating me. Hell, my own father didn't know about him.”

 

Ryuuzaki grunted and Light loosened his hold enough for the other man to breathe, but kept his full weight on Ryuuzaki's back. He tried to ignore the smooth, taut muscles under his chest, or the way his pelvis rested flush against his opponent's hips. He just wanted answers, damn it!

 

The body under his own started to relax and Light eased up when he realized that Ryuuzaki wasn't going to attack. Instead, his cheek rested on the floor, his eyes covered by a tangle of dark hair.

 

“It isn't about Raye Penber,” Ryuuzaki admitted. “Although he was the only one that had revealed his identity, it was merely one piece of the puzzle for me. I considered the FBI's involvement to be unnecessary from the beginning, but we had to bow to pressure from the Japanese and American governments and accept their assistance.”

 

That surprised Light; he had assumed that Ryuuzaki had requested the FBI agents for surveillance. “Then why me?”

 

Ryuuzaki pushed himself up, twisting around to pin Light with a piercing look. “Conflict,” he said in a short tone. “Conflict in your behavior that was reported both by Penber's observations and the video surveillance in your home.”

 

Light flushed. He found he wasn't surprised that there had been video surveillance, but until now he hadn't given it much thought. Almost as if the knowledge had been there from the beginning, but somehow tucked away in his subconscious mind. “Did my father know about it?”

 

Nodding, Ryuuzaki crawled over to the laptop that he'd been using before Light had interrupted him. “Of course. He knew that his family was being observed and other than myself, he is the only one who viewed those tapes.”

 

He found he was more angry for the invasion of his mother and sister's privacy than his own. “That's against the law,” Light snapped. “Even during a criminal investigation, placing video cameras in private homes…”

 

Ryuuzaki waived him silent. “Your father gave the permission, as did other members of law enforcement who were observed. However, there was one video that I purposefully did not allow your father to view. Partially because it had no relevance in the investigation…but also because I could not take the chance that he would reveal the contents to you.”

 

Light waited while Ryuuzaki continued to fiddle with the laptop. It was appalling to think that his family had been innocently going about their lives while Ryuuzaki observed them with his cold and calculating eyes. He could only imagine the guilt and self-loathing his father must have experienced, watching those tapes with Ryuuzaki at his side.

 

“There,” Ryuuzaki murmured as the screen began to flicker. “Now you will understand what I mean by conflicting behavior.”

 

The image was of Light himself, lying on his bed with his head propped up on one hand while he read a magazine. He looked completely at his ease, unaware that he was being recorded. Just as he was beginning to wonder what the Light on screen was reading, Ryuuzaki tapped a key and the shot panned closer.

 

“Oh my god,” Light murmured.

 

Ryuuzaki smiled faintly. “Yes, your father was quite surprised to see you reading pornography, Light-kun.” Light shot him a furious glare. “But I did remind him that it was considered normal behavior for a teenage boy. You obviously can't be expected to study all the time.”

 

He knew his face was red. “I don't even remember buying that,” he said, hating himself for sounding like a prissy old woman.

 

“You don't?”

 

He had the feeling that Ryuuzaki was enjoying his embarrassment. “Maybe I got it from a friend at school,” he said sullenly. He really didn't recognize the magazine; it wasn't something he would have bought even if he had been looking for porn. For starters, there wasn't anything explicit and…

 

“Ahh, tricked again by the cover,” the Light on screen said. He watched himself tuck the magazine into a hiding place before getting ready for bed.

 

“Did you have cameras in the bathroom too?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“You pervert!”

 

Ryuuzaki gave him a cold look. “I am not aroused by voyeurism of bodily functions. The cameras were discreet; I only needed to determine that the occupant of the lavatory was engaged in expected behavior. Would you care to view those tapes?”

 

Light felt his face go even redder. “I'll take your word for it,” he muttered. The idea of watching his parents, or his innocent little sister, going to the toilet made Light nauseous. He had the feeling that Ryuuzaki was amused by his discomfort and figured that was the purpose of offering in the first place.

 

“This is what I found to be conflicting,” Ryuuzaki said, turning the screen towards Light. “When I first suspected you, it was because of all the possible suspects you seemed to have not only a keener intellect, but a strong knowledge of police procedures. In addition, you spend most of your free time occupied by intellectual pursuits and studying. Quite simply, you do not engage in an active social life outside of school functions.”

 

“In other words, I'm boring,” Light said sarcastically.

 

“Perhaps.” Ryuuzaki's expression didn't give anything away. “My original profile of Kira was that of a young male possessing above average intelligence, but with a strong sense of justice and knowledge of law enforcement. The suspect most likely lived at home and did not pursue relationships with other individuals outside of his already limited social contacts.”

 

“That's just a classic profile for a serial killer,” Light said, annoyed. “Kira, by his own actions already falls outside that spectrum. His methods are unknown, as are his motives. The fact that he exclusively targets criminals…”

 

“Not exclusively,” Ryuuzaki said, jumping after Light's comment like a pit bull on a piece of meat. “The FBI agents.”

 

Light nodded uneasily. “That was out of character with Kira's usual pattern.”

 

“I disagree.” Ryuuzaki stared hard at Light, making him self-conscious of every twitch, every breath. “You are forgetting my first broadcast, with the false L that was presented to Kira. He did not hesitate to execute him and in that act revealed his location and ability out of sheer hubris.”

 

Turning back to the laptop, Ryuuzaki started the tape again. “Until this point, all of your behaviors seemed in character with a normal, if studious, high school male. Even your interest in pornography was expected. Nothing unusual, nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Then…why me?” Light watched as his screen self went about his before-bed routine. He must have done something to earn Ryuuzaki's suspicion, if he knew what it was…maybe he'd be able to give a reasonable explanation.

 

And Ryuuzaki would be able to concentrate on Kira, instead of obsessing over Light Yagami.

 

“As I said,” Ryuuzaki murmured while the screen Light got into bed and turned off the lights. “Sheer hubris made Kira reveal more than he intended, as well as to murder non-criminals. There is another facet to the textbook profile of a serial killer, and that is ego. Kira has demonstrated that he feels he is above the law, better than the officials that enforce the law and thus, better able to dispense with justice on his own terms.

 

“That, Light-kun,” Ryuuzaki concluded, “is a monstrous ego indeed.”

 

The view of the camera shifted, bathing the scene in soft green light. Night vision, Light realized queasily. It wasn't enough for Ryuuzaki to watch him during his waking hours; he had to observe him sleeping as well?

 

The Light in the bed shifted restlessly, stretching out and turning as if he wasn't comfortable. Light stared hard at the screen, seeing his own features illuminated and ghostly. Eyelids twitching, his gaze seemed to flit from camera location to camera location, almost as if he knew that he was being watched. Then, unexpectedly, the Light in bed threw off the covering blankets.

 

“Interesting, isn't it?” Ryuuzaki whispered in his ear. “Almost as if you knew you were under surveillance and couldn't sleep because of it.”

 

“You're just assuming,” Light whispered back, and then wondered why they were whispering. It wasn't as if his screen self could hear them. But…watching together was intimate; as if together they shared a secret voyeuristic interest.

 

Ryuuzaki's mouth twisted in a sardonic smile. “Just watch. You will find this…entertaining.”

 

He gasped when the Light on screen suddenly stripped off his pajamas and started to fondle himself openly. Of course, he was in the privacy of his own room and had no reason to suspect that privacy had been breached. His face on the screen had a slight smile as well, as if he not only knew he was being watched…he was enjoying it.

 

“So I jerk off,” he muttered, turning away from the laptop. “Ryuuzaki, you're such a fucking asshole.”

 

“But Light-kun, I had already assumed that you masturbated when alone, this was hardly new information.”

 

“Then turn it off,” he snapped. God, this was worse than when Ryuuzaki had caught him jerking off in bed. And then it had led to more, it had led to Ryuuzaki touching him, doing more than just touching him. Playing with his cock, holding him down, sliding on top of him…

 

“I'm gonna turn it off,” he said, reaching for the laptop when he heard his own voice start to moan.

 

Ryuuzaki grabbed his wrist, wrenching his arm behind his back. “Not yet, Light-kun. You asked what made me suspicious; I think it's time you were shown.”

 

Light bucked hard against the restraining hands and flailed behind him, aiming for Ryuuzaki's face. This time, he wasn't so lucky and heard the chain that bound them together clatter ominously.

 

“Knock it off!”

 

Light hissed when the chain was pulled tight, wrapping around his free hand until both wrists were bound together. For good measure, Ryuuzaki pulled the slack of the chain over Light's shoulders, using it to secure his upper arms with his wrists behind his back.

 

“You asshole!”

 

“Quiet, Light-kun,” Ryuuzaki said sternly. Kneeling behind Light now, he leaned forward to tap the keyboard and start the playback from where the on-screen Light had begun to touch himself. “Now, watch this with me. Tell me, in your own words of course, if your behavior on tape is abnormal for you.”

 

“This is abnormal enough,” Light muttered. Obviously, Ryuuzaki wanted to humiliate him by making him watch. Some kind of revenge for not being Kira? Light wasn't sure, but the whole thing was leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

 

A soft moan made him drag his eyes back to the screen and from there, he was captivated. The Light on screen was lying with his shoulders propped against the headboard, legs spread wide as he played with his erection. In the murky light of the night vision, he could see himself quite clearly…and see all there was to see.

 

It's like I'm putting on a dirty peepshow, he thought, feeling the blood rushing from his face to his cock. Ryuuzaki was right behind him and silent now, as if waiting for Light's commentary. Which he sure as hell wasn't going to get, not now. Light was too pissed off to be objective, but who wouldn't be pissed off?

 

On screen, he stroked his cock slowly, moving his hand up and down with an easy rhythm that seemed embarrassingly familiar. His other hand cupped his balls, toying with them, lifting them almost teasingly for the camera's unblinking eye. The crevice behind his balls looked shadowy and mysterious; the night vision's resolution just wasn't good enough and kept him from exposing the tight pucker that he knew was probably twitching…

 

“You look like you're enjoying it, Light-kun,” Ryuuzaki whispered, his breath soft and warm on the back of Light's neck.

 

“I'm not enjoying it,” he whispered, wincing a little when the on-screen him moaned and tilted his head back in pleasure.

 

A hand slid down his chest, rubbing against slightly stiffened nipples. Light jerked involuntarily, surprised by how good it felt. He felt Ryuuzaki's smile, the man's lips barely touching the back of his neck.

 

The head of his cock was glistening, just catching the faint light of the bedroom. His mouth went a little dry when his on-screen self spread his thighs further apart and started pumping his erection with hard strokes. He was fascinated, watching the head slip between his own fingers, and his balls pulled up tight as the recorded image of their counterparts were lifted and squeezed with erotic caresses.

 

“Damn,” he whispered, watching his own face as he grimaced, nearing climax.

 

Ryuuzaki's cool hand touched his nipples, teasing them until Light arched his back and had to bite back a groan. “Look at yourself.” Ryuuzaki's voice was a sensual purr in his ear. “That is the Light Yagami I expected to meet. Instead, you pretend to be so innocent and righteous. You could be neither, not with such a dramatic performance.”

 

Light couldn't answer; he was too busy staring at himself. When Ryuuzaki's hands moved lower and slipped under the waistband of his sweatpants. He twisted his shoulders, trying to shrug the other man's touch away, but Ryuuzaki gripped him firmly.

 

“Watch this, Light-kun,” he said, nipping at Light's earlobe. “This is the best part.”

 

His mouth dropped open and he gasped aloud. The Light on screen had gotten to his knees and braced his hand against the wall behind him. With his other hand, he continued to pump his cock, thrusting his hips and cursing softly as he jerked off almost directly in front of the camera.

 

He couldn't breathe, the room was suddenly too hot and he leaned back against Ryuuzaki. His pants had been pushed down to expose his cock and Light was torn between watching the performance on the laptop and watching his own cock sliding between Ryuuzaki's pale fingers.

 

“N...no…” he managed to groan, realizing that Ryuuzaki was deliberately matching his strokes to those of the on-screen Light's hands. Behind him, Ryuuzaki's erection was pressed against his bound hands, the rough texture of his jeans rasping along the skin of his wrists as he ground himself into Light's back.

 

Then his image on the screen gasped, pumping furiously and pale fluid spurted out to coat his fingers. Light whimpered, pressing the back of his head against Ryuuzaki's chest as he lifted his hips to thrust into the man's hands. Sliding one hand under Light's balls, Ryuuzaki murmured something in Light's ear just before one of his long fingers pressed the tight rim of Light's anus.

 

He came hard, thrashing and struggling as Ryuuzaki's fist tightened around his swollen cock. It seemed to last forever as he pulsed in Ryuuzaki's grip, feeling his balls tremble and throb while he ejaculated violently. Finally spent, he went limp in Ryuuzaki's embrace, eyes closed and his hair stuck to his sweaty forehead.

 

“Very good, Light-kun,” Ryuuzaki whispered tenderly. “Very honest, I would say. But look at what you've done.”

 

Dizzy, he opened his eyes and saw his own face staring back at him from the laptop screen. Come dripped down the display, making it look like he'd blown his load on his own face. Light shivered, oddly aroused as his satisfied image licked his lips, searching for milky fluid he couldn't taste.

 

“Seems a pity that he can't taste you.”

 

Light twisted angrily, trying to glare at Ryuuzaki who only gave him a lazy smile in response. He brought a damp finger to press against Light's mouth and chuckled when Light clamped his lips tight and turned his face away.

 

“So that's really how you feel?”

 

“Let me go,” Light growled, clenching his teeth. He squirmed, feeling his moist cock sticking to his thigh, reminding him of how little self-control he had. Light's stomach churned and he had to take a few deep breaths to keep from embarrassing himself even more.

 

Ryuuzaki stared at him for a moment, evaluating his reaction, Light was sure. Silently, he pulled the chains away from Light's arms, pausing as he released Light's wrists and tracing a pale finger over the reddened skin.

 

“I apologize, Light-kun,” he said quietly. “I didn't mean to hurt you.”

 

Rubbing his wrists, Light couldn't meet Ryuuzaki's eyes. “It's nothing,” he muttered. “I didn't even feel it.”

 

Awkward, he pulled his sweatpants over his limp and sticky cock, grimacing at the dampness between his thighs. Now that it was over, he felt cold and strange, as if the heat of his blood had turned to ice. Pulling his legs up, he managed to give Ryuuzaki a half-hearted glare.

 

“You get off on humiliating me, don't you? Must be some kind of sick joke.”

 

Ryuuzaki didn't smile. “No.”

 

Staring at his hands, Light didn't know what to say. All of his life, he'd tried to be the best. Honor roll student, excellent athlete, and the model son of a respected and respectable family. He was honest, he was earnest, he believed in things like justice and hard work. But this man, this genius of detectives, made him feel like a schoolboy playing cops and robbers.

 

And his touch sent Light's heart racing, made him dizzy and confused with feelings that didn't seem decent. Instead it made him peer into the darkness and wonder what was on the other side.

 

“Then why?” He needed to know. “Do you really believe that I'm some kind of monster, a murderer? Are you doing this to make me confess or brainwash me into saying I'm something that I'm not?”

 

A soft hand touched his cheek, stroking his hair and Light glanced up.

 

“Do you think I'm playing with you, Light-kun?”

 

He shivered, feeling too exposed. “I honestly don't know.”

 

“I am not.”

 

It was too much and Light surged forward, grabbing Ryuuzaki by the front of his shirt and pinning him to the floor. “Then what are you doing? You accuse me being Kira even you have proof I'm not. You chain me to your side because you don't trust me, but you make sure I know everything you know. You fuck me…”

 

He took a deep breath, shaking so hard that he could feel his fingertips throb. “You fuck me and then pretend it didn't happen. You violate my privacy and make me come…and then you apologize for hurting me?”

 

Ryuuzaki stared up at him, his gaze intense. “Are you Kira, Light Yagami?”

 

Light pushed away, but Ryuuzaki was fast, grabbing Light's hair and holding him still, their faces only inches apart. “Are you?”

 

“What's it matter?” Light hissed. “You don't believe me anyway.”

 

“If you are Kira,” Ryuuzaki whispered. “I will protect you. But I must know the truth and I must have it from you, Light Yagami. I can conclude my investigation that Misa Amane was acting alone, that the appearance of a second Kira was only an attempt to cover her crimes. Although we cannot determine the method she used, your name will be clear.”

 

Light stared at him, horrified. “You can't do that!”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because it's despicable,” Light snarled. He pulled away violently, disgusted by Ryuuzaki's manipulation. “You sick bastard, she's an innocent girl!”

 

Ryuuzaki sat up, his face expressionless. “Are you in love with her?”

 

“I already told you it's one-sided!”

 

“And it's nothing but coincidence that she saw you at Aoyama on the exact same day you were there in search of Kira? That she fell in love with you at first sight, tracked you down although she couldn't have known your name, and you agreed to be her boyfriend for no other reason than she asked?”

 

Frustrated, Light rubbed his eyes and tried to think. “I don't remember why,” he had to admit, “but I won't hurt her just to give you a scapegoat, Ryuuzaki. I'm not Kira.”

 

A hand appeared in front of his face, offering to help him up. “I still have questions,” Ryuuzaki said softly. “But for now I am willing to believe that possibly you are not Kira.”

 

He hunched his shoulders and didn't take Ryuuzaki's hand. “What made you change your mind?”

 

Ryuuzaki seemed to be contemplating something. “Perhaps I want you to be Kira, to the point I'm willing to make you into him even if you are not. Then I would be able to leave you in the hands of the authorities…and forget you. Your presence is a distraction for me.”

 

The words stung, buried themselves under Light's skin and burned in places that he couldn't soothe. Slowly, he got to his feet and turned his back to Ryuuzaki. It was getting very late and he was exhausted. It made him sore to the bone, thinking that Ryuuzaki wanted him to be a murderer, just so he'd have an excuse to lock him away…forever.

 

“I get it,” he said dully. “I'm just in your way. You must hate me an awful lot to go this far, Ryuuzaki.”

 

He shivered again when those cool, soft fingers stroked the back of his neck. “What I feel for you is not hatred, Light-kun. This would be easy for me if it was so, but I am ambivalent. My instinct tells me that you are Kira. It says that you are dangerous, lethal to me, and still…I want you.”

 

Light didn't think about it, he turned and caught Ryuuzaki in a sudden embrace, holding him tight, kissing him hard. Soft lips opened under his, a surprised tongue met his and then there was nothing else but the slick wet pressure of the kiss and the heat building quickly between their bodies.

 

Breaking away from Ryuuzaki's mouth, Light buried his face against the other man's neck. “Want me then,” he said, his voice thick. “Want me more than you want me to be Kira. When we catch the bastard…you'll know that you can trust me. Let that be your motivation. Do whatever you have to, use me, use anyone you have to…just don't stop until you drive out Kira and send him straight to the hell he deserves.”

 

Ryuuzaki's hands slowly drifted to his hair. “Is that truly what you want, Light-kun? To capture Kira no matter the cost?”

 

He nodded. “Yes. Absolutely.”

 

His face drawn with regret that Light couldn't see, Ryuuzaki sighed. “Be careful what you ask for,” he whispered, holding Light tenderly…as a lover. “You will have to bear the burden of my motivation.”