Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ Rules ❯ Chapter 12 ( Chapter 13 )

Rules

 

Chapter 12

 

When everyone returned in January, they all had stories to share. Tales of amusing or embarrassing family members, lists of gifts given and received, and, in Ethan's case, the announcement that he and his girlfriend had broken up.

 

"But don't feel sorry for me," he had assured Annie before she could get too upset. "It was mutual. We just weren't working. We're still friends and everything."

 

"Still," Mark had argued, taking on a very serious expression, "you've been dumped. This calls for a 'Women Suck' party."

 

Although Ethan had tried to point out that he had not been dumped and Light had attempted to remind Mark that he had a woman of his own right next to him whom perhaps he shouldn't offend, the sophomore would hear no arguments. After all, he explained, a "Women Suck" party was just an excuse to watch violent TV, eat greasy foods, and act like the barbarians they all were deep down inside.

 

"Sounds fun!" Annie had proclaimed. "Count me in!"

 

"Um, Annie …" Ethan had begun.

 

"Down with boobs!"

 

"No, no, no," Mark had cut in, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as if imparting some deep wisdom. "Boobs are good. We like boobs, especially jiggly ones."

 

"Yay for boobs! Down with commitment and expressing our feeeelings!" She drew out the last word while scrunching up her nose into a comical sneer.

 

"There you go."

 

And that was how the four of them plus Elijah ended up in Ethan's dorm room, watching hockey on his small TV and eating pizza and wings. Although, to be honest, only the two American men were watching the game. The other three had quickly given up on it and had piled onto Ethan's bed in a mismatched heap.

 

"Seriously," Annie sighed, "how can you enjoy that when you can't even see the puck half the time?" She found a more comfortable place on Light's chest to rest her head. "Guess my extra X chromosome is getting in the way after all."

 

"No, it's not that," Light assured her. He uncrossed his ankles and recrossed them in the other direction. Surprisingly, having his legs up against the wall like that was actually comfortable. "'Lij and I don't have that problem, and we agree with you."

 

Elijah nodded and made to comment, but his attention was drawn to Ethan as he reached for another slice of pizza. The junior removed the slice and then immediately slapped it onto the top of the box, cheese-side down. A few seconds later, he pulled it away, revealing a perfect triangle of grease, just one of many already decorating the cardboard. Elijah grimaced violently and pulled himself into his ball a bit more tightly.

 

"Guess you, 'Lija, and I aren't barbarian enough," Annie commented.

 

"Nothing wrong with that," Light replied with a small smile.

 

"I bet Elijah is wondering why he missed us when we were gone." She lifted her head a little to look at the blond. "You did miss us, right 'Lij?"

 

Elijah pulled his face out of his knees to smile at her. "Yes. Very much." His cheeks pinked slightly at the confession.

 

Annie grinned at him, but then her smile fell away and she frowned. "Summer's going to be hell for you then, isn't it?" she observed. "Three whole months. I mean, last year Mark and I were here doing internships and volunteering, but this year I'll be working at Johns Hopkins and Mark has a job at home." Her eyes strayed to the two men yelling at the television. "And you can forget about Mr. 'I'm an only child and my parents are loaded' over there. He goes somewhere different and yet still fantastic every year." She sighed dramatically, "It must be nice to be rich instead of poor like us."

 

Her comment caught Ethan's attention, and he turned to her with a severe frown. "Annie, you are not poor," he warned in a low voice. "You should watch what you say." His eyes flicked briefly in another direction before returning to her.

 

The blonde sophomore understood his meaning immediately, and her entire face colored. "God, I'm sorry," she said in a rush. "That was really stupid of me. I didn't mean to upset you."

 

Light blinked for a minute, not understanding whom she addressed, but then he heard a soft, "It's okay," from the other person on the bed and he remembered. To them, Elijah had absolutely nothing, only what other people had given him out of charity. They didn't know that he had once had more money than any two of their families combined. The thought made Light smirk privately, but as he thought about it more, he realized that even if Elijah wanted to reclaim his fortune, he couldn't. He really was poor now, destitute even, and entirely dependent on other people.

 

"I'm not offended," the quiet voice continued, "and as for this summer …" His voice dropped to a near whisper. "… I'll manage."

 

With his last words, Elijah's eyes predictably saddened, but to Light's surprise, it seemed to be a deeper, softer melancholy than the prospect of loneliness should have evoked. He refused to meet Light's eyes but instead focused on Annie, giving her a shrug and an obviously fake smile.

 

As Light looked at that smile, he couldn't stop the thoughts that ran through his head. Not long ago, an expression like that, one that barely hid the sadness and pain in the other man, would have filled Light with a sort of maniacal glee. He had hated those large, empty eyes when they were black instead of blue, and any discomfort in them had made him quite content. But now, he didn't like what he saw. He didn't want to see those eyes unhappy, didn't want to know that the heart behind them was hurting. In spite of the wedge between them that Kira represented, Light and Elijah were friends, and Light wanted his friend -- the only real friend he had had in possibly his entire life -- to be happy.

 

In a burst of activity, Light sat up, forgetting about Annie on his chest until she squawked loudly. "Sorry," he apologized.

 

"It's okay," she answered, rubbing the spot on her head that had bounced painfully on the mattress. "Just warn me next time. What's up anyway?"

 

"I had something I wanted to say." An unfamiliar embarrassment gripped him as he looked between the blonds. "I guess it's a kind of announcement, although that sounds a bit pretentious."

 

"What is it?" Elijah queried. His expression had returned to its usual blankness.

 

"I've decided to try to get an internship here this summer instead of returning home. In fact, I was considering asking Professor McCormick if she would rent a room to me so that I don't have to fight to get an apartment."

 

Annie positively squealed, causing all the men in the room to wince violently. "How fantastic! I know Julie will say yes. And then you and 'Lij can hang out together all summer and neither of you will be lonely."

 

"That would be a side-benefit, yes," Light confessed with a smile. He turned to Elijah, fully expecting to see the sadness replaced by one of those rare wide grins that the older man occasionally wore. Light would never admit it to anyone, but he loved seeing those smiles, even if they were at his expense, which they usually were. What he did see, however, drowned his own happiness instantly.

 

"Are you sure? Won't your family miss you?"

 

The sadness had not budged; if anything it had intensified. It took Light completely off-guard. Elijah didn't want him around this summer?

 

"They're okay with it," he answered the second question. "In fact, Sayu is already planning to visit me and warned me that she'll be spending half her time here going to concerts. I told her not to book her flight until I actually got an internship, but I have a feeling she won't listen."

 

"Your sister sounds cute," Annie giggled. "Too bad I won't get to meet her."

 

Light turned a small smile to her, but his mood had plummeted. Why had Elijah reacted like this? Why was he still refusing to smile?

 

"You could get an internship or a job back home," the horrible soft voice continued. "That way you could still have a nice addition to your résumé, and you could stay with your family."

 

Frustrated, Light grit his teeth and shut his eyes. He didn't want to go home for the summer. Couldn't Elijah see that? The winter break had been bad enough. Light had grown so used to having intelligent companions like Elijah and Ethan around that going home to the so-called investigation team had been a severe shock. He had been home less than a day before they started attacking him with questions and requests. What do you think of this data, Light? Light, can you check these files and see if you have any interpretation other than what we had? We're stuck, Light; do you have any ideas? Light, could you please do our jobs for us, and tie our shoes and wipe our noses while you're at it because we're just too damn stupid to do it ourselves?

 

Whatever loneliness Elijah might have felt during that time from the middle of December to the middle of January, it was nothing compared to the torture that Light had endured. Twice he had slammed a Death Note open and had been seconds away from writing Matsuda's name before realizing that killing that idiot very well might lead someone to him, especially since the moron was already supposed to be dead. And Misa. If she hadn't had the Eyes -- and again, if she weren't connected to him in such a way that her death would be suspicious -- he would have killed her twenty times over already. Sometimes he thought he'd rather write his own name in the Note than go back to her for three entire months.

 

No, if he didn't get an internship, he'd look for a job. Hell, he'd wait tables if he had to. Anything to keep him from going back to that hellhole of idiocy a day earlier than necessary. He knew he'd have to go back eventually -- L still needed to pursue Kira -- but if he could postpone that and stay here where he had actual peers and a semblance of happiness, he would.

 

If Elijah would let him.

 

"What the hell, 'Lij? What's your problem?"

 

Light opened his eyes to find Annie actually glaring at the older man. The blonde's normally sweet face had gone hard and cold. "You're acting like you don't want Light to stay this summer," she continued, accusingly. "Stop trying to convince him to go home and be happy already!"

 

Elijah's eyes dropped away from hers. "I apologize," he murmured. "Of course I am happy that Light will be here this summer. I just wanted to make sure he had thought of all his options. That's all."

 

He was lying through his teeth again, and Light knew it. Annie realized it as well, for she began, "Elijah …" But he cut her off before she could go very far.

 

Unfolding himself from the bed, he stated, "I think I'll be going home now. I've had fun, thank you Ethan, Mark …" Both of them had turned to look at him, and he nodded to them as he spoke their names. "… but I should go. Julie has been teaching me how to cook, and I wanted to try to make a recipe for her tonight." He scratched his leg with his foot in a very familiar way and attempted to smile.

 

The other four just looked at him. True, Julie had been trying to teach him how to cook, mainly in the hopes that it would help him appreciate a wider variety of food, but they all knew that he had no real interest in it. This excuse of his had no substance to it whatsoever. Light's heart clenched at Elijah's empty, dull eyes, and by looking around the room, he could tell that the other three had finally noticed the pain in their friend's face. Still, in spite of this, no one moved as he put on his shoes and walked to the door.

 

"See you later," he said softly and then disappeared into the hallway, pulling the door closed behind him.

 

For half a minute, Light debated between running after him and letting him alone. He didn't want to push and pry, but he didn't want to seem uncaring either. Dammit, he swore to himself. Why do relationships have to be so complicated?

 

With a half-growl of frustration, Light leapt to his feet. "I'll be right back," he announced, not caring if anyone heard him, and strode to the door.

 

"Hey, Light."

 

Pausing with his hand on the knob, Light looked back at Ethan who had spoken. If he was going to tell him to let Elijah be … . But no, he and the other two were looking at him with gratitude in their faces.

 

"Thanks," Ethan said.

 

Light managed a smile for him through his worry. "Wish me luck." He pulled open the door and rushed down the hallway.

 

Luckily for him, Elijah did not walk very fast, so Light caught up to him before they had even left the building. He quickly dashed in front of the other young man and stood before him, blocking the exit.

 

"Hey, 'Lij, wait."

 

Elijah briefly looked up at him with dull eyes before returning his attention to his shoes. "Yes, Light, what do you want?"

 

"I want to know what's wrong with you."

 

"Nothing."

 

"Bullshit," Light said gently. His tone forced Elijah's eyes upwards again, and the two looked at each other for a moment. "I know you weren't having the best time," Light continued, "but at least you weren't upset. That is, until we started talking about this summer. As soon as Annie brought that up, you looked like you wanted to cry or something." The blond tried to turn away, but Light reached out a hand to his shoulder and stopped him. Still speaking gently, he said, "You and I both know I'm a bit arrogant, but I don't think it's just my lack of humility talking when I say that you like having me around. So that's not what's upsetting you. What is?"

 

Elijah shrugged, simultaneously showing his unwillingness to talk while trying to dislodge Light's hand. Light refused to let go. He momentarily debated whether or not to put his other hand on Elijah's other shoulder, but he decided that would be too much physical contact for the other man.

 

"Elijah," he tried again, "I said I wanted to help you, and I meant it. But I can't help if you don't tell me what the problem is."

 

"It's …" Elijah began quietly. He paused for a moment, lifting his eyes to the ceiling in an obvious expression of thought. Light allowed himself to hope, but then the eyes came down again and his hope faltered.

 

"It's nothing."

 

Light's fingers tightened, and his brows crashed together in a frustrated frown. "Bullshit," he replied, all gentleness gone.

 

"Light," the other interrupted before he could say anything else. "Let it go." Elijah laid a hand over Light's and finally met his gaze with sad, powerful eyes. "Let it go," he repeated. "Please."

 

Slowly, Light allowed his fingers to loosen. Elijah carefully slipped the tips of his own fingers underneath and removed the brunet's hand from his shoulder. He took a step back and smiled, and while it was not a happy smile, it was no longer fake.

 

"I'll tell Julie you want to rent a room this summer," he said. "I'm sure it will be fine. She may even insist you stay for free, knowing her." He slipped around Light to the door behind him. After pushing it halfway open, he turned and added as a final comment, "Don't worry. Finding space for you won't be an issue."

 

Long after the door had clanged shut, Light stood there in the foyer. For no reason he could ascertain, an evil dread had gripped his heart and stomach. Elijah's final words kept echoing in his head. He didn't know why, but for some reason they had sounded to him like a prophetic declaration of someone's tragic fate.

 

xXx

 

Elijah sighed and sipped at his hot chocolate. Without thinking, his hand reached out to the bag of mini-marshmallows next to him and grabbed at least a dozen. He dropped them into the mug one at a time.

 

That conversation was not supposed to have happened yet. They weren't supposed to be thinking about summer plans when second semester had only just begun. When there was snow on the ground. But then again, his friends were different from most students. They wisely looked farther ahead than the end of the week and kept their dreams and goals in mind at all times. They planned in advance, took opportunities if they presented themselves, and forcibly made them if they were scarce. After all, bright futures lay before each one of them, and they had their entire lives in their hands, waiting to be shaped and molded.

 

He had two and a half months.

 

Elijah closed his eyes and forced the tears to remain where they were. Crying would change nothing. He had agreed to this knowing what was expected of him, knowing what would happen and when. Just because he had changed did not mean the arrangement had changed.

 

And at the end of a year?

 

Who knows?

 

No, he mustn't think of that. That was neither hope nor salvation. It was only the amused response of a being who firmly believed he wouldn't get as far as he had. It meant nothing beyond that.

 

But it really was so very hard not to hope.

 

The door that led to the garage slammed shut, and Elijah knew that Julie was home. He listened to her stomp the snow off of her boots in the mud room before walking to the kitchen and dropping her bag and keys. "Elijah?" she called, the question evident.

 

"I'm in here," he called back. Quickly, he grabbed a huge handful of marshmallows and dropped them all in his mug. Sure enough, when Julie appeared, she immediately picked up the bag and closed it with the twist-tie that had been sitting beside it.

 

"How was the 'Women Suck' party?" she asked, moving the bag to a table out of his reach.

 

"Dull," he answered. "I already knew I dislike hockey, and the food was disgusting." He wrinkled his nose to emphasize the point. "Even if I liked pizza, I wouldn't have eaten that stuff."

 

Julie laughed and sat down on the couch next to him. "Well, at least you got out of the house. Sometimes I think you spend too much time here."

 

He looked down into his damp marshmallows. "I like being here," he said quietly.

 

"I know," she replied gently. "But a young man like you should be out enjoying life. At least a bit."

 

"What life?" he whispered and immediately regretted it. Closing his eyes, he prayed that his mother had not heard, but he could tell from the slight movement of the cushions as she sat up straighter that she had.

 

"What?"

 

"Well …" His forefingers danced on the side of the cup as his mind furiously worked to save him from the trap he had set for himself. "I … I still don't know who exactly I am. I mean, I'm perfectly happy being Elijah McCormick, but that's not the name I was born with. How can I have a real life if I don't know that? Whose life would I be living?"

 

"You'd be living your life," she answered easily. "Why does it matter what your name is?"

 

"It doesn't," he conceded, "but I don't have anything from which to base my future. I have no birth certificate, no driver's license, no diplomas of any kind. I may be smart, but I can't get a job without a résumé, and I can't build a résumé without a past." Finally he lifted his eyes and looked at her. Yes, that would do.

 

Julie had dipped her head as he spoke. "I see," she replied when he fell silent. "You're right, of course. Things would be much easier if we knew who you were and could get proof of it. But sweetheart …" She lifted her head again and smiled at him. "Just because your life will be hard without those things doesn't mean it will be impossible. And it doesn't mean you should give up on yourself or your future."

 

No, I should give up on my future because I won't have one come spring. He bit his tongue briefly to stop himself from saying anything else that was dangerous. When he trusted himself again, he said, simply, "I know."

 

"And Rich and I will always be here to support you, no matter what."

 

"I know that, too."

 

She slid a little closer to him and brushed some loose bangs from his eyes. "Then don't worry about it, okay? Just live and be happy."

 

Elijah nodded slowly. Then, out of nowhere, he suddenly had the completely foreign desire to be held. For a moment, he fought it, but he quickly realized that he soon would no longer have the option to give into his impulses. Before Julie could react, he put his mug on the table next to the couch and threw himself at her, curling himself up slightly to fit his tall frame against her shorter one. He buried his face into her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her waist. She sat still for a moment in surprise, but soon her arms circled his shoulders and held him securely in place.

 

After several minutes of silence, Elijah noted, "You're not asking questions."

 

"Do you want me to?"

 

"No."

 

"Then I won't."

 

Several more minutes passed before he broke the silence again. "Back when you asked me to come live with you, you said I was a puzzle."

 

"Yes, I did."

 

"But you haven't tried to solve me."

 

"No, I guess not."

 

"Why?"

 

Slowly, one of Julie's hands began to move up and down Elijah's back. She rested her head on top of his. "The first few weeks you were here, you were very closed-off. You didn't trust me, and you didn't want to talk. I decided at that time that what you needed most was acceptance. You needed me to love you and care for you. You didn't need me asking a bunch of questions and trying to get into your head and dissect you. I guess, as time went by, I subconsciously decided that I didn't need to solve you. You were opening up and learning how to be happy, and really, that's all I ever wanted. To make you happy."

 

Elijah squeezed his already closed eyes even tighter. "Why?" he whispered. "Why are you so wonderful?"

 

She chuckled, causing his head to bounce a bit. "I don't know. Just lucky, I guess." She stopped smoothing his back and instead began to sift her fingers through his hair. "Or maybe you just bring out the wonderful in me. As sappy as that sounds." She tugged playfully on one lock.

 

"Mom …" he said, but he couldn't go on. Everything that had been building in him was rising to his throat, pushing against his chest, and threatening to overflow from his eyes. Perhaps it was because Julie made him feel so secure, but the locks on his defenses were breaking and his self-control had all but completely dissolved. The first tears were flowing down his face before he could stop them, and within seconds, he was crying so hard that his body shook and his lungs burned.

 

Julie said nothing. She just held him tighter and let him cry. Elijah couldn't believe it. Why wasn't she fussing over him, trying to get him to stop and demanding to know what was wrong? Wasn't that what women did? And if that wasn't it, surely she should be yelling at him, telling him that boys don't cry and that crying never solved anything. That's what he would have done in her place. He could barely stand the shame he felt at himself for breaking down like this.

 

But Julie just held him, and as he continued to sob violently against her, his mind began to dissolve, allowing his emotions to have full control. He still cried, but it hurt less because he no longer fought it. And eventually, when he was too tired to cry anymore, he became aware of the warmth of her body all around him. It wasn't like the warmth of a blanket or a heater; it was a living, breathing warmth that comforted him all the way to his soul. Nothing he had ever experienced could compare.

 

Above him, Julie leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "It'll be all right, darling," she whispered. "I promise you, it'll be all right."

 

And for the first time, for just that moment, Elijah believed.