Digimon Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction ❯ Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 ❯ Sailor Moon Meets Seinfeld - MSMT3K Episode 101 ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

"Oh bugger." - M.C. Beaton

Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000
Episode 101
THE FIRST FIENDISH PLOT: "Seinfeld meets Sailor Moon" by Wyvern

DISCLAIMER - O - RAMA: The Senshi used herein belong to Takeuchi-sama.
The fic belongs to Wyvern, and believe me, he's welcome to it. Everybody
else is the property of whomever has the misfortune of owning them. I make
no claim on any of these characters or fics - nor would I want to. Well, the
only one character there is that I own is Tuxedo Jack - I own him because I

created him! Geez... okay, disclaimer over. I am making no money from this
fic; please don't sue me; I have no money anyway; etc., etc., etc. Am I
done here? I think so.

Oh yes, Serenity and Endymion have taught Rini NOTHING about sex before
this, so Setsuna is trying to keep the hentai riffs down for her and Hotaru's
benefits. Okay?

That crapola being done, here we go!

********************************************************
< br> In the not-too-distant future,

Somewhere deep in hell, I think,
The generals and Queen Beryl are
Hatching plans that really stink!

They caught a bishounen named Tuxedo Jack,
Just an average guy who always wears black
Their evil plans needed a good test case,
So they whacked him on the head and then
They shot him into space! (Tuxedo Jack: YOU IDIOTS!!!)

(Jadeite) We'll send him lots of fanfics,
(Nephrite) The most there can possibly be, (la-la-la)
(Zoisite) He'll have to sit and read them all

(Malachite) And keep his GPA above three (la-la-la)

(Beryl) Poor Tuxy Boy, he can't control
When the fanfics begin or end, (la-la-la)
He'll lose his relative sanity
Along with the Senshi I caught with him!

SENSHI ROLL CALL!
Setsuna! ( I can't stop time here...)
Hotaru! (Death Reborn... oh, wait a minute...)
Teenage Rini! (Look at me! I'm kawaii to the core!)
Amy! (Us? Survive this tripe? The odds are off the scale!)

If you're wondering how they eat and sleep,

And other science facts, (la-la-la)
Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Amy later,
Now I need to sit back and relax!"

For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! (Twang)

********************************************************
(Scene: Crystal Palace, Crystal Tokyo. Time: Just after the Black Moon
Crisis. Serenity and Endymion are sitting in their throne room listening to the
Outers and Rini talk about who did what best during the crisis.)
SERENITY: Yes, yes, we all did well, but let's put it behind us and relax.
ENDYMION: After all, there's not any impending crisis now...
(Just then, the four Inners rush in. Amy is carrying a printout and Raye
holds a pair of henshin sticks.)
AMY: Serenity, we've got a problem!
SERENITY: What? What's wrong?
ENDYMION: Wiseman didn't survive somehow, did he?
AMY: Worse. We're detecting a Negaverse energy signature - one that we
thought was gone.
SETSUNA: I feel it too...
HOTARU: Oh my... it's like I was Mistress Nine again...
RAYE: And even worse... we know who it is.
SERENITY: Who is it?
RINI: (Fast) I know who it is - I felt this when we were in the Arctic during
the fight with the Oppositio Senshi.
HARUKA AND MICHIRU: We remember this too! Anshar was with us -
HOTARU: It's...
ALL: Beryl!
(An image of Beryl flashes up in the middle of the room. It begins to speak.)
BERYL: Thaaaat's right, everybody! Heeeeeeeeere's Beryl! I'm back, and I'm
pissed! This time, the Imperium Silver Crystal is mine!
SERENITY: (Eyes flashing) What makes you think that we're going to give it
to you?
BERYL: This!
(A portal opens up under Amy and she falls in. The same happens to
Setsuna, Hotaru, and Rini. General confusion reigns in the throne room until
Beryl booms out a sound.)
BERYL: Silence! They are not dead, nor are they with me. They are
somewhere that you cannot get to.
ENDYMION: (Furious) What are you doing to my daughter?
BERYL: Nothing... much... that won't kill her...
SERENITY: You will never obtain the crystal, no matter what!
BERYL: Fine. Tell that to your daughter and the others when they get back
from reading the fic that the generals and I have lined up.
SERENITY: Generals?
BERYL: Oh, yes - I don't think you remember them. (To someone offstage)
Hey! You four! Get into the camera!
(The camera zooms out to reveal the four generals: Jadeite, Nephrite,
Zoisite, and Malachite. They stand in that order, with the first two on the
left of Beryl and the other two on the right.)
BERYL: You remember them all now, don't you?
RAYE: Jadeite... don't let her do this!
JADEITE: Mars... no matter how much I love you, I still have my queen to
consider.
LITA: Nephrite? How can you be a party to this?
NEPHRITE: The stars bid that this happen - and so it did. Tell Molly I love
her...
MINA: Malachite? That can't be you... can it?
ZOISITE: Back off, sailor brat. Malachite's mine.
BERYL: The crystal for the four. Your choice.
(Beryl's image fades out.)
SERENITY: We're not letting her win. We will find them... we will rescue
them...

(Scene Change. New Scene: 21st century Tokyo. A lone boy is walking
down the street to the site of an ongoing Sailors vs. Youma Deathmatch.
He has in his right hand an emerald-and-ruby rose.)
BOY: Tuxedo Jewel Power! *With a rush and a roar of magic, the boy's
black shirt and blue jeans disappear as his body glows with power. A jet-
black tuxedo with a top hat and black mask appear on the boy's translucent
body, followed by a black cape with a red interior. A cane with a jeweled
head materializes in his left hand, and a blood-red rose pops into his right
from Hammerspace. After a few seconds, the boy moves onwards towards
the fight.*
(Scene change: the Scouts are fighting a monster. Tuxedo Mask attacks
the monster and gives Sailor Moon a chance to dust it.)
BOY: Ah, well. Another youma, another chance. *He turns away from the
Scouts, but a portal appears under him and he is sucked in.* Oh, crap...

(Scene change. New scene: A godforsaken cave deep in the earth, just
after the Black Moon Crisis. Beryl is sitting on a clone of her throne while
the four resurrected generals sit at computer terminals trying to find fics for
the Scouts.)
BERYL: Who's got a fic? Has anyone got a fic yet?
ZOISITE: I've got one, my queen. *Projects the image before Beryl's
throne*
BERYL: Excellent, Zoisite! You'll get those implants you wanted. *Snaps
fingers, and Zoisite's chest suddenly grows about two cup sizes*
ZOISITE: Thank you, my queen.
BERYL: This will be the first in a long trek through hell for those meddlesome
little brats unless Serenity pays up...
(A portal opens and the tuxedo-clad teen falls out. He stands up and
brushes himself off.)
NEPHRITE: I see our guest has arrived.
JADEITE: No, just a main character in this godforsaken series.
BERYL: Ah, Tuxedo Jack. I trust you enjoyed your little trip?
TUXEDO: Beryl! What is this, some sick farce?
BERYL: No joke. We want you to join... the team... and punish... some
people... with fanfics.
TUXEDO: *Eyes narrow* Okay, I'll help out on one condition: just who do
we send the fics to?
BERYL: (Thinking) No harm in saying it to him - after all, he did never talk to
them. (Out loud) We're sending them to the SOS.
TUXEDO: SOS?
BERYL: The Satellite of Senshi.
TUXEDO: (Horrified) You can't be doing this!
BERYL: I'll take that as a no, you won't help out. Malachite, send him up!
MALACHITE: Very well, my queen. *Whips out Hammerspace mallet and
whacks Jack upside the head. A matter of moments later, Jack is teleported
to the SOS.*
BERYL: Are they there yet?
JADEITE: The boy is. The girls are not.
BERYL: And you did put up the teleport shield as well as the cloaking field?
JADEITE: (exasperated) Yes, my queen. Both devices are activated and
cannot be destroyed or deactivated without your code.
BERYL: Good. (smirks) Let's sit back and watch the fun...

(SOS)
(Jack falls out of a newly-opened and closed portal. He rubs himself off,
stands up, and detransforms.)
TUXEDO: Damn... I must be on that satellite Beryl mentioned. But who am I
supposed to be with here?
(A new portal opens and closes, dumping the four girls out on the deck.
Rini, who is now teenage - about seventeen, as are he and Hotaru - lands
right on top of Jack.)
TUXEDO: Owww!!!!
RINI: AIEEEEE!!!! *Whips out mallet and whacks Jack. Stows mallet back in
hammerspace. Gets off of him quickly.* Where are we?
TUXEDO: (groggily) Nyuuurgh...
HOTARU: Looks like you whacked him a little too hard, Rini.
RINI: He deserved it, that little...!
SETSUNA: Pluto Planet Power! *Transforms into Sailor Pluto* I... I can't feel
or change time here...
HOTARU: Saturn Planet Power! *Transforms into Sailor Saturn sans glaive*
My glaive! Where is it?!?!?
RINI: Moon Prism Power! *Transforms into Sailor Mini-moon* Hey! I can't
find my henshin stick!
AMY: Mercury Star Power! *Transforms into Sailor Mercury* Well, I'm
normal, at least... *Looks around* Hey, who _is_ that guy, anyway?
RINI: And why is that button flashing? *Walks over to the button and
presses it. A huge hexfield lights up. Beryl's face is onscreen.*
BERYL: So, my little lab rats are all finally here. Zoisite! Prepare the _gift_!
AMY: Beryl! What are we doing here?
RINI: So that's Beryl... boy, she's ugly.
BERYL: Quiet, you! You're going to be pawns in my plans for taking over the
world. Until your mother gives me that crystal.. and maybe Endymion, too,
you're going to stay on that satellite.
SETSUNA: Oh, great. I have a nasty hunch...
HOTARU: This sucks. Big time.
JACK: *Recovers from Rini's mallet blow* We're all up here for a horrific
experiment! It's something so terrifying...
AMY: Who are you?
SETSUNA: What are you up here for?
BERYL: He's Tuxedo Jack, and he's the example of what happens to those
who don't help me when I demand it! He's going to stay up there with you
and share your punishment. Now, Zoisite, send them the fanfic!
SETSUNA: Oh, crap! I was right!
JACK: Yep, we're now prisoners on a satellite - *Klaxons sound, cutting him
off* and we've got to view bad fanfics!
SETSUNA: We've got FANFIC SIIIIIIIGN!!!!!!!!

(Special premiere door sequence)
(Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door.)
(Door 5: A Space Sword - shaped door. It unsheathes and lets the five
through.)
(Door 4: An Aqua Mirrorlike door. It shatters to reveal the next hallway.)
(Door 3: A huge crystal rose. It sinks into the floor.)
(Door 2: A giant white candle. It melts all over the floor. Being careful not
to step in the hot wax, you continue on.)
(Door 1: A poster for Titanic. Hotaru and Rini ooh and aah over it -
specifically, Leonardo DiCaprio - and Jack and Setsuna drag them into the
theater.)

(The five sit down, with Rini and Hotaru to Jack's left and Setsuna and Amy
to his right. Jack, quite obviously, sits in the middle. We see that Jack has
his jeweled rose out and is fingering it unconsciously.)
JACK: Welcome to hell, everyone.
HOTARU: What is this place?
JACK: The Satellite of Senshi.
RINI: And we're supposed to view fanfics?
JACK: BAD ones. She hopes we'll lose our sanity and become even more
valuable bargaining chips.
SETSUNA: Only one thing to do.
JACK AND SETSUNA: RIFF-O-RAMA!
AMY: This should be good.
RINI: What's a riff?
JACK: A quick joke about a line onscreen or something.
HOTARU: Quiet! The fic's starting!

>From: "Wyvern"

JACK: From Russia with love.
AMY: (A la Donald Grant) My orders are to kill you and deliver the Lektor.
How I do it is my business.
SETSUNA: Um, feel free to join in at any time, you two. It's the only way
you'll keep your sanity up here.

>
>(any and all charectars in this fanfic created by someone besides myself)

AMY: Well, that's just about everyone.
RINI: Duh.
HOTARU: Hey, it's the La Brea Charac-tar Pits!
(All groan)
(A rimshot sound is heard through the speakers mounted around the
theater)
HOTARU: Hey, I'm trying! Gimme a break!

>
>********************************************** *********
>********
>*************
>****************** *************************************
>*****

HOTARU: Kami-sama, did that thing get hit with the Love-me Chain?
RINI: No, I think it was the machine guns that did it.
JACK: *Imitates machine guns*
AMY: Flat line. Nothing could save this fanfic.
SETSUNA: (A la Bones McCoy) He's dead, Jim.

>
>Tonight at 9:00 it's

JACK: Shinji the 10 o'clock Assassin an hour early with his latest lemon!
SETSUNA: No hentai riffs in front of the young ones! *Bonks Jack with her
staff*
JACK: Owww! All right, all right...
AMY: Who Wants to Be A Millionaire on ABC!
RINI: Now showing at 8 o'clock Central.

>
>SEINFELD MEETS SAILOR MOON!

ALL: Gaah!
RINI: Will someone _please_ turn down the volume?
AMY: *turns it down a bit*
RINI: Domo arigato.
AMY: No problem.
JACK: Seinfeld?!?! She never said anything about crossovers!
SETSUNA: Well, she DID say that they were bad fics...
JACK: We'll probably have to do a lemon or two.
AMY: Don't give her any ideas!

>

JACK: This space for rent.

>Jerry:What is the deal with Tuxedo Mask?

SETSUNA: He's Darien. Now shut up and eat your vegetables.

> He throws that one stupid rose and

RINI: Hey! Stop insulting Daddy!
AMY: I didn't know that roses had brains.
(Rimshot is heard in the speakers)

>suddenly the Senshi know how to fight?

HOTARU: We know how to fight; it just takes a while for our auto mode to
kick in.

>

AMY: This must be where the rose's brain is. Take notes, class!

(All fake scribbling motions.)

>Elaine:Y'know it must really suck for them,

JACK: It being their boyfriends?
SETSUNA: JACK NO BAKA HENTAI!!! *WHACK*
JACK: OWWWW!!!!! *Cringes* Okay! Okay! I'll be good!

>being superheriones and trying

AMY: Herion? Is that a twisted version of heroin?
HOTARU: Maybe it's a herring.

>to keep thier grades up...

ALL BUT AMY: No problem for Amy here.
AMY: *Blushes*

>

RINI: This room is only 4800 yen a night!
SETSUNA: Okay, enough with the "this space for rent" riffs.

>Jerry: Plus, they have to shave thier legs no matter what!

ALL BUT JACK: HEY!
RINI: I WANT a boyfriend, thank you very much!
HOTARU: Well, Haruka doesn't shave her legs...
SETSUNA: And we adults know about her, right?
AMY: Yes, we do. Don't you think that they're a bit young for this?
JACK: And you told _me_ to lay off the hentai... *grumble*

>
>Elaine: huh?

JACK: Buh?
RINI: Gah?
SETSUNA: Err...
AMY: Eek...
HOTARU: Moving on... *sweatdrop*

>
>Jerry: Oh, you know what I mean.

AMY: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, saynomore!
SETSUNA: Not you too... *sweatdrop*

>Usually, during winter when it gets cold,

JACK: It snows.
HOTARU: I love snowballs!
RINI: Ooh! Free snacks! Make mine a Snoball!
JACK: Yeah, that's the stuff! Hostess!

>women can take a break from shaving thier legs for a while,

SETSUNA: He's making it sound like shaving our legs is a full-time job.
AMY: And it takes up a good portion of our lives, too.

>since they just
>wear long pants. Not the Senshi, though.

RINI: Nope, Grandmama never thought about winter gear when she made
the henshin sticks.

>They've got to shave 'em year
>'round. There's no telling when evil will strike, they've gotta be prepared
>to wear those little skirts at all times!

HOTARU: And I bet you just _love_ that sight.
SETSUNA: I know Haruka and Michiru do...
HOTARU: Hmm? What do you mean?
SETSUNA: *sweatdrop* Nothing... nothing at all...

> It must be very frustrating for
>them...

JACK: Yeah, and I tried to help out in the 21st century but NOOOOO!!!

Tuxedo Jack wasn't good enough!
RINI: You're a Tuxedo Man?
JACK: Tuxedo Jack, at your service.
RINI: Ooh! A touch of home.

>
>(goerge enters)

RINI: And the "goerge" is rising in my stomach.

>
>George: I found a talking cat, Jerry!

SETSUNA: (Jerry) And I found a good parking space next to my building!
HOTARU: (Elaine) Get out!
JACK: (Kramer) Ooh, a talking cat. Think it can beat Little Jerry in a fight?
AMY: What the hell was that?
JACK: Wait for it.


>
>Elaine: GET OUT! (pushes him)

HOTARU: Oh, wow... deja vu...
JACK: Nah, this is just a mind-probing fic.
AMY: Among other parts... *snicker*
SETSUNA: Amy, I'm warning you... *shakes her staff*

>
>George: No, really.

HOTARU: (deranged) I'm not insane! I'm not crazy, I tell you!
RINI: You do that far too well.

>I'm walking through this alley,

SETSUNA: And this man sticks a gun in my ribs and tells me to give him all
my money.

>and ther'es this cat

>with a crescent moon on it's forehead. And she TALKS!

AMY: Repetition. Isn't repitition wonderful?
RINI: (Flatly) Yeah. Just like the Black Moon Crisis. *Shudder*

>I tell you Jerry,

HOTARU: (Deranged again) I'm not insane! I'M NOT INSANE!!!
RINI: Calm down, Hotaru! You wanna lose it during the first fic?
HOTARU: I thought that maybe it would stop...
JACK: Dream on, babycakes.
HOTARU: WHAT did you call me?!?!?
JACK: Erm... nothing... *sweatdrop*

>this cat is my chance! I start showing it off,

AMY: Whoa, baby!
SETSUNA: AMY NO HENTAI!

> doing the talk shows, who
>knows where it might lead!

SETSUNA: Straight to hell.
JACK: Maybe even to being up on one of these satellites.

>
>Jerry: It must be very frustrating to be a talking cat, as well. I mean,
>here you're as smart as a normal person, but you're a cat! Who's gonna
>take
>you seriously?

AMY: We did and look what happened to us!
(All except Jack nod in agreement.)
JACK: I never heard a cat talk, and now I'm not sure I want to.

>
>(kramer enters)

AMY: Where's his hair from? The Planet of The Apes?
JACK: No, the land that time forgot.

>
>(everyone claps)

(All clap wildly)
SETSUNA: This is starting to hurt my hands.
(All stop)

>
>Kramer:oops, wrong apartment

AMY: THERE'S that screwed up voice!
JACK: I told you to wait for it.
RINI: He's like Ryoga Hibiki.
JACK: And HOW do you know about Ryoga?
RINI: Don't ask.

>
>(kramer leaves)

SETSUNA: Well, that was short.
HOTARU: And stupid.
AMY: And pathetic.
RINI: Just like mama when I first met her.
AMY: No argument here.

>
>(everyone claps)

(All clap enthusiastically again.)
JACK: Okay, that's getting old.
(All others nod in agreement and stop clapping.)

>
>remeber ther's only 5 more months before we pull the plug!

HOTARU: Isn't that called euthanasia?
JACK: (A la Dr. McCoy) He's dead, Jim.
SETSUNA: (A la Jim Kirk) But that's impossible!
RINI: We already did that gag.

>Watch "Seinfeld!"

JACK: And then shut it off midway, go and get some snacks, put in a movie,
you know the drill.

>
>
>-Wyvern

RINI: Is this over yet? I've got to go to the bathroom.
SETSUNA: Hold it in, Small Lady, hold it in.

>"...it's child's play for a genius like me. I AM SUCH A GENIUS!"

AMY: I know I am. Big surprise.
JACK: NO SELF-PLUGS!
RINI: Repitition. A fanfic -
SETSUNA: We've already done that one.

>-Washu,
>TENCHI MUYO!

SETSUNA: Is a hentai old perv.

JACK: SETSUNA!

>"Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when I fall into a sewer and
>die."-Mel Brooks

(All sit in stunned silence)
RINI: Wow.
HOTARU: And I thought I was dark...
SETSUNA: *Whips out the two theater masks of Tragedy and Comedy from
Hammerspace* So the smiley face is the author dying... and then tragedy is
him stubbing his toe?
JACK: No argument with the first.
AMY: That'd be pretty funny, actually.
JACK: Seeing the author die?
AMY: No, seeing him dead in a sewer.

>"Ah, the dream of every anime fan...to be that 'ordinary high school
>student'..."-Edwyn

AMY: The hell? Raye's got great grades!
SETSUNA: I think it's done.
RINI: (Bouncing up and down in her seat to try to hold it in) Really?
JACK: One can only hope.

>
>
>
>
>

JACK: It's over.
SETSUNA: THE SAILOR SCOUTS WIN!
HOTARU: Again.
(Rini shoots out of the theater.)
AMY: Think that she'll break the speed record?
SETSUNA: What is it?
AMY: Serena's 50 yard dash to a pie in six point eight seven seconds.
HOTARU: No contest - Rini wins.
JACK: Let's make like trees and leaf.
(Rimshot)
(All groan and leave)

(Reverse door sequence)

(Scene: SOS Bridge. All Scouts except for Rini are lounging around in plush
chairs and sipping drinks - except for Hotaru's, they're alcoholic drinks. Jack
is sitting on a bar stool, slowly nursing a good, stiff... lemonade.)
SETSUNA: That was fun - it wasn't at all what I expected.
JACK: Oh, really? What did you expect?
SETSUNA: Hordes of tentacle demons.
JACK: *Audible gulp* That would be bad.
HOTARU: Think she'll send up more?
AMY: Maybe. Or maybe Serenity's handed over the Silver Crystal to Beryl...
(Short silence)
ALL: Nah.
(Rini enters stage right, looking refreshed and happy.)
RINI: Hey guys, guess what? There are bedrooms here! And a kitchen, and
five bathrooms, and a spa, and a pool, and an arcade, and a holodeck...
(Everyone perks up a bit.)
JACK: Holodeck?
SETSUNA: Hmmm...
JACK: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
SETSUNA: Maybe. If you're thinking that we can use it to - *Yellow button
flashes* Oh well. Later. Looks like Jackson Five are calling. *Presses the
button*

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Are your spirits broken yet, my little sailor brats?

(SOS)
JACK: Not a bit, Beryl honey. As a matter of fact, we had a great time!

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Bad news for you girls. Serenity hasn't caved and given me
Endymion and the Crystal yet, so you're going to be stuck up there a little
longer. Jadeite, if you could push the button...
JADEITE: What button, my queen?
BERYL: THIS button, fool!

(FWOOSH)

\|/
\|/
\|/
-0-
/|\
/| \
/|\

(Fade to black)

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Wow, my first MSTing! There's not much to say - this will be posted to a
MSTing vault, and expect to see more of the same coming soon - I'm going
on a trip this weekend and I should be able to get two of the four other fics
I have lined up done.

Anyway, I've got a Sailor Moon/Pokemon crossover next, and it's by Blaine.
It should be pretty good - I'm also going to try to get a few lemons in to
scare the girls a bit and egg on the latent hentais in Amy and Jack. (Or
perhaps not so latent... hee hee hee...)

There's a very good story I want to MST soon- it's a Gundam Wing/SM
crossover. Let's just say that poor Rini has to learn to pilot a Gundam... in
about five minutes.

Wyvern, where the hell are you? I got through to your e-mail and got an
automated response saying that I could MST this fic, but no web site was
listed... and when I mailed it again saying that I was done and included a
copy of this, it got sent back. Hope you get back soon!

Tuxedo Jack
TuxedoJack@juno.com

Please, no flames to that address. Send those to jackchiles@usa.net. That
account I can afford to lose. Everything else is welcome, especially more
fodder for Beryl's cannons! Heh heh... her big cannons...
(SETSUNA: NO BAKA HENTAI!!! *WA-TAK*)

Tuxedo Jack's Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000
Episode 101: Seinfeld Meets Sailor Moon
Episode 102: PokeSailors (Coming soon! - July 2000)