Digimon Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction ❯ Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 ❯ Poke-Sailors - MSMT3K Episode 102 ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

"You didn't see anything?"
"No sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!"
"Good!" - Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz, Spaceballs

Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000
Episode 102
TODAY'S TERRIFYING TALE: Poke-Sailors by Hachi Machi

DISCLAIMER - O - RAMA: The Senshi used herein belong to Takeuchi-sama.
The fic belongs to Hachi Machi, and believe me, he's welcome to it. Everybody
else is the property of whomever has the misfortune of owning them. I make no
claim on any of these characters or fics - nor would I want to. Well, the
only one character there is that I own is Tuxedo Jack - I own him because I
created him! Geez... okay, disclaimer over. I am making no money from this fic;
please don't sue me; I have no money anyway; etc., etc., etc. Am I done here?
I think so.

We've treaded through the crap; now it's time for fanfic funzies!

********************************************************< br>
In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere deep in hell, I think,
The generals and Queen Beryl are
Hatching plans that really stink!

They caught a bishounen named Tuxedo Jack,
Just an average guy who always wears black
Their evil plans needed a good test case,
So they whacked him on the head and then
They shot him into space! (Tuxedo Jack: YOU IDIOTS!!!)

(Jadeite) We'll send him lots of fanfics,
(Nephrite) The most there can possibly be, (la-la-la)
(Zoisite) He'll have to sit and read them all
(Malachite) And keep his GPA above three (la-la-la)

(Beryl) Poor Tuxy Boy, he can't control
When the fanfics begin or end, (la-la-la)
He'll lose his relative sanity
Along with the Senshi I caught with him!

SENSHI ROLL CALL!
Setsuna! (We'll be part of the Dead Scream if we don't get out of here!)
Hotaru! (Hotaru plus glaive equals mass destruction!)
Teenage Rini! (Mommy, wow! I'm a teenager now!)
Amy! (Not a lemon, please...)

If you're wondering how they eat and sleep,
And other science facts, (la-la-la)
Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Amy later,
Now I need to sit back and relax!"

For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! (Twang)

********************************************************
(The bridge of the SOS)
(Setsuna and Tuxedo Jack are sitting down in their bathrobes on black
leather chairs. Both have a large cup of coffee in their hands and are
talking quietly. Setsuna wears a very dark red robe with the sigil of Pluto,
and Jack's is jet-black with a small gold rose sigil on his right lapel.)
SETSUNA: So the holodeck has been checked out?
JACK: Completely. It can do what we need to do.
SETSUNA: And will it need a molecular stabilizer to hold together if Beryl takes it?
JACK: Definitely. We're going to need to make one somehow. Do you know how?
SETSUNA: No clue. Since you asked me, I'm assuming that you don't know either.
JACK: *sips* Hey, I'm a bishounen from the 21st century. I'm still
technologically back there, but I adapt quickly.
SETSUNA: Maybe... did you ever see "Star Trek: Voyager"?
JACK: Yeah... what are you getting at?
SETSUNA: Do you think that this satellite came with a computer system?
JACK: It had to! I mean, it's got to maintain its orbit somehow, and it can't
rely on us - we'd just take it home.
SETSUNA: Let me try something. (To nothing in general) Computer: inform me of
general vessel status.
(About three seconds of silence ensues. Setsuna's face drops just a bit.)
SETSUNA: Well, it was worth a try.
(A voice sounds from nowhere and everywhere; it is the ship's computer.
Strangely enough, it has the voice of the computer from "Star Trek: The
Next Generation".)
SHIP'S COMPUTER: Working. Repeat command.
SETSUNA: Hey, it worked! All right!
JACK: Here, let me have a go at it. (To computer) Computer, detail relative
location and couse.
COMPUTER: Current location: high orbit around Delta Centauri. Course and orders:
maintain high orbit and communications blackout except with Admiral Beryl.
JACK: *Raises eyebrows* Admiral? What is she, Starfleet?
SETSUNA: Who knows. - maybe she thouht we'd never find this. (To Computer)
Computer, detail defenses on board this ship.
COMPUTER: Enhanced shields, torpedoes, lasers, cloaking field, anti-
teleportational field. Cost of usage: 1 unit oxygen unless used for defense.
JACK: Beryl's planned for everything. Computer: break orbit and head for Earth.
COMPUTER: Unable to comply.
JACK: Elaborate.
COMPUTER: Engines will fire only on Admiral Beryl's command or to maintain
orbit. She controls this ship.
SETSUNA: What about Sailor Teleport?
JACK: Worth a try. Computer: Deactivate anti-teleportational field.
COMPUTER: Unable to comply.
SETSUNA: We should have known. Damn. Computer: elaborate.
COMPUTER: Captain Jadeite has specified that the anti-teleportational field may
not be dropped except by Admiral Beryl.
JACK: Okay... computer, detail onboard medical facilities.
COMPUTER: Enhanced sickbay, level ten; Emergency Medical Hologram, Mark
Two; medical replicators, which can replicate to level eight matter density.
JACK: What's level eight density?
SETSUNA: Dunno. This technology's pretty advanced.
JACK: She probably stole it from Marrissa Picard and Starfleet, then outfitted
the SOS with it.
SETSUNA: Makes sense. Computer: can the replicators make molecular stabilizers?
COMPUTER: The standard replicators in crew quarters are capable of replicating
molecular stabilizers that can be as small as one nanomicron.
SETSUNA: Good. *Hears something* Computer, save and end query. *Shushes Jack*
Not now! Something's coming!
JACK: You're right - must be Rini and Hotaru. We can't let them in on this.
It'll put them in too much danger.
SETSUNA: *Nods* Watch it - here they come! *Sips her coffee. Someone enters - but
it's not either if the aforementioned Scouts; it's Amy, dressed in her sapphire
bathrobe.*
AMY: Good morning, everyone! *Walks to the coffeepot and pours herself a small
cuppa* How'd you sleep on your first night on the SOS?
SETSUNA: It has a name, you know.
AMY: I know; it's such a mouthful, though. *Sips* God, that's good. French
Roast?
JACK: I don't know; I brewed whatever I found in the cabinets. Beryl didn't
label anything.
SETSUNA: Where are Rini and Hotaru?
AMY: I don't know. Think they're still asleep?
JACK: (Darkly) There's one way to find out... Setsuna, should we?
SETSUNA: She'd never screw it up. If anything, she'd refine it to perfection.
AMY: What? What is it?
JACK: Are you sure? We've only got one shot.
SETSUNA: Let's do it. We need all the help we can get.
AMY: Do WHAT? What are you two doing that's so damned secret?
JACK: Amy, calm down. Computer: Locate Rini and Hotaru.
AMY: Computer? There's a ship's computer?
COMPUTER: Ensign Rini and Lieutenant Hotaru and in the main holodeck.
JACK: Computer, save and end query. *Computer bleeps* Amy, you can't tell
either Rini or Hotaru about this ever, no matter what.
AMY: But why?
SETSUNA: Look, Amy, we're developing a plan to get us off this godforsaken
satellite. Their innocence figures into it. If they don't know what we're doing
until it's too late for them to change it, there's a chance we can get out of
there. *Yellow button flashes* Great. Now we've got the Keating Five on our backs too.

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Greetings, useless characters! How was your first night on the SOS?

(SOS)
JACK: (To Scouts) Let me handle her. (To Beryl) Beryl, honey, it was great -

(Negacave)
ZOISITE: Got knocked up, did you?

(SOS)
JACK: *Face reddens in anger* NO! The bed was great, the food's good - did you
intend for this to be an escape hatch for you?

(Negacave)
ZOISITE: Well, I got some.
BERYL: Actually, yes, this was my back door... but this method works infinitely better, no?

(SOS)
JACK: It's debatable. So what have you got to say?

(Negacave)
BERYL: Tell 'em, Nephrite!
NEPHRITE: Starting tomorrow, we'll be calling only once a week.

(SOS)
(All cheer wildly)

(Negacave)
NEPHRITE: That's because from now on, you'll have to have an invention ready
whenever we call - or we send you an Oscarfic.

(SOS)
(Jack's face goes chalk-white, Setsuna starts mumbling gibberish,
and Amy just stands in shock.)

(Negacave)
BERYL: Thought that that would get your attention. Now, where are that little
pink-haired brat and her stepsister-from-hell?

(SOS)
SETSUNA: In the holodeck. Leave them out of this fic - their psyches need some time off.
JACK: I'll take an extra fic in exchange tonight in bed.

(Negacave)
BERYL: Hmmm... Deal! After all, Serenity still hasn't caved and I will need to
show force eventually... better later than now.

(SOS)
JACK: So what crapola do you have lined up for us today, o queen of
incompetents, morons, fools, and spades?

(Negacave)
BERYL: Tell 'em, Malachite!
MALACHITE: Today's typographic stinker is called "Poke-Sailors" and it's by
Hachi Machi. Zoisite, my love, send them the fanfic!
BERYL: That's my line!

(SOS)
JACK: Well, crap...
(Klaxons erupt on the bridge)
ALL: WE'VE GOT CROSSOVER SIGN!!!!!!!

Door Sequence version 1.02
Door 6: Satellite standard-issue dogbone door.
Door 5: A Pokeball. You open it and let out Squirtle. It uses Water Gun on
Setsuna. After a hentai comment from Jack about wet bathrobe contests, which
earns him a nasty smack in the head from Setsuna, you continue on.
Door 4: The plastic doors from E.T. You disinfect yourself and pass through.
Door 3: It's a locked oak door. You kick it once in the center and it opens.
Door 2: It's a Game Boy Color. The mouth emerges, screams "Get Into It", and
you leap through the mouth.
Door 1: It's a snack bar. You purchase a few things and then enter the theater.

(The dark theater is the same as yesterday - luxury accomodations, good food, but
horrible fics. The seating order is as follows from left to right: Amy, Jack, Setsuna.)

JACK: Well, this is going to suck.
SETSUNA: Has anyone seen my jujubes?
AMY: No - why do you ask?
SETSUNA: I lost half a box here yesterday.
JACK: I think that I've found them. *Grim frown*
SETSUNA: Ah, thanks. Would you hand them to me?
JACK: I'm not so sure that you want them.
SETSUNA: Why? Why wouldn't I want my jujubes?
JACK: Because I just sat on them. *Grimace*
SETSUNA: *Retching sounds*
AMY: Shut up! The fic's starting!

>From: "Blaine"

AMY: Blaine... isn't he the leader of the Cinnabar Gym?
JACK: Yeah. Let's use that Squirtle from the hallway on him.
SETSUNA: He'd do well against Endymion.
JACK: How so?
SETSUNA: Endymion's grass type is vulnerable to Blaine's fire type.
JACK: You're a Pokemaniac?
SETSUNA: *Sweatdrop*

>
>PokeSailors

AMY: Poke them Sailors _where_?
SETSUNA: Amy, it's too early for hentai.
JACK: Oh, it's never too early for hentai.

>by Hachi Machi

JACK: Oh God... that's a type of lemon...

AMY: Isn't that what translates to...
SETSUNA: Bestial...
ALL: *Whip out Hammerspace barf bags and throw up*

>
> It was an early day in Tokyo.

AMY: So it's in spring, or early summer, or late winter, or what?

>It was morning and the flowers were
>beginning to open up.

AMY: I stand corrected.
JACK: Heh heh heh... "open up"... *WA-TAK!*
SETSUNA: Don't. Even. Start.

>But not all was well in the land of the rising sun.

JACK: No, all was not right, for anime and manga sales in the U.S. had dropped
thirty percent. It was time for _drastic action_.

>"AAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

ALL: Megami-sama!

>Usagi screamed. "I'm late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

AMY AND SETSUNA: Why am I not surprised by this scene?
JACK: Several million other fics begin that way.

> She
>grabbed a piece of toast and ran out of the house.

JACK: Crashing into the door, since she forgot to open it...

>It was a typical day in
>Anime land.

(A crashing sound is heard)
SETSUNA: Okay, I think that the Fourth Wall's gone.
JACK: Good God, with a sentence like that, how could it not go the way
of the dinosaur and French poodle?
AMY: Jack? The poodle isn't extinct.
JACK: (Viciously) One can only hope.

> Across the street, Usagi could see Miyuki running with a
>playboy bunny on a skateboard.

AMY: *Opens mouth*
SETSUNA: Amy, if you make another hentai comment before I finish my coffee,
you will not be able to speak for the rest of the fic.
AMY: *Shuts mouth*
JACK: *Opens mouth*
SETSUNA: Same for you, buster.
JACK: *Closes mouth*

>Up on the hill, A-ko and C-ko were running
>to their school.

AMY: So it's a Sailor Moon/Pokemon/Miyuki-chan in Wonderland/Project
A-Ko crossover now?
JACK: *Begins to cry* Make the crossovers stop!
AMY: There, there... *Hugs Jack*

> Suddenly, Usagi felt something roll under her foot and she fell on
>her plump little butt.

SETSUNA: This is not going to turn into a lemon. This is NOT going to turn
into a lemon. THIS IS _NOT_ GOING TO TURN INTO A FRIGGING LEMON.
JACK: *Looks into Setsuna's coffee cup, which she has drained* One can only
hope...

> "Ow..." She sat there for a second rubbing her sore
>posterior

JACK: I'll be glad to take her hand's place...
SETSUNA: JACK! *WA-TAK!*

> before crawling over to what had tripped her.

AMY: It was a cabbit from Tenchi Muyo!.
(Crash)
SETSUNA: What is it with the you and the Fourth Wall in this fic?

>It was a little red
>and white ball.

SETSUNA: And she went and played croquet with it.

> She picked it up just as Ami ran past, telling her to hurry
>up.

AMY: Hurry up, Usagi! Don't want to be late! (Manic glee) Don't want to be
LATE for SCHOOL which ensures a GOOD FUTURE!!!!!!!
JACK: Amy, calm down. Freaking out isn't going to do you any good.

>She stuffed the ball in her bookbag and forgot about it.

AMY: But come lunchtime, she opened it and a donut popped out.
SETSUNA: She then ate the donut and threw away the Pokeball.
JACK: The "Ash versus Mankey" sketch, ladies and gentlemen.

>****************

JACK: *Whips out Hammerspace .45 automatic and fires 16 shots* Fanfic's
dead! Let's go!
(All get up to leave)
BERYL'S VOICE: SIT DOWN! *Lightning courses from nowhere to stop in front
of each person's feet. Grumbling, they sit back down.*

> "So class, as you can see, x is equal to the cosign of 12 plus 4 (6).
>Then the sigma of that set is taken..." Miss. H explained as she stood at
>the
>board.

AMY: She's lost me for once. Variable X is the cosine of 12 plus 24? And
what the hell is a sigma?
JACK: Smile and nod, Amy, smile and nod.

> Growl... Usagi clutched her stomach. "Oh, I need a snack." She
>looked at Ami's notes and saw that she had already filled 2 pages worth.

SETSUNA: Unfortunately, the notes she took were scribbled unintelligibly.
Ami spent the next eight days trying to decode them, dying of dehydration
in the process. The End.
AMY: Ookay... *Sweatdrop*

>Her own paper only had a kawaii scribble of her and Mamo-chan.

JACK: In an impossible position!

SETSUNA: JACK NO BAKA HENTAI! *WHACK*

> She sighed
>and reached a hand into her bookbag for a bag of Cheesy Poofs.

JACK: So now it's a Sailor Moon/Pokemon/Miyuki-chan in Wonderland/Project
A-ko/South Park crossover?
AMY: Something tells me that this author's been reading way too much Jay
Dee Archer.

>She had
>brought home a surplus amount form when she and her friends had gone to
>America. She found the bag and pulled it out. But to her dismay, it was
>empty.

AMY: (Televangelist voice) Fill that empty soul of yours! Fill it to the brim!

> Ami giggled. "Golly, Usagi. You eat so fast and so much that you
>don't notice what you eat."

SETSUNA: Not one word, you hentais.

> "I swear." Usagi whined. "I didn't eat this."

JACK: (Thinking) Hentai mind working doubletime... must.. keep... riff... in...

>She reached into
>her bag to find her lunch. She screamed as her hand made contact with
>something furry that moved.

JACK: (Usagi) It's OSCAR!!! HOW'D HE GET IN HERE?!?!?!?!?
(All scream wildly for a few minutes before they settle down.)
SETSUNA: DON'T do that! *WHACK*
AMY: This is not a SI lemon with Oscar.. I hope... please?

> "Usagi!!" Miss H yelled. "Is there a problem?"

AMY: Yes, drill sar-GEANT!
SETSUNA: Amy, are you acting like Torgo again?
AMY: nO, ThiS iS LiKe ToRgO.
SETSUNA: *Sweatdrop*

> "There's a rat in my bag!!!"

JACK: Yeah, and there's the cat in the hat.
AMY: Who's been sent to have fun, and that's that.
SETSUNA: You two...

>Usagi and eight other girls jumped up
>onto their desks and started yelling.

AMY: GIRL POWER!!!!!
JACK: GERONIMO!!!!!
SETSUNA: I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!!!

> Melvin fainted because a few panties
>were exposed.

JACK: A few? I hardly call nine sets a few. *Gets a nosebleed and passes
out* *THUD*
AMY: He's worse than Melvin...

>Ami reached into the bookbad and pulled out... a Vulpix.

AMI: Vulpix, go!

> Vulpix hopped out of Ami's arms

SETSUNA: And promptly crapped everwhere.

>and walked over to Usagi's desk.
>Usagi looked down at the cute pokemon and went all giggly and bubbly.

AMY: Is Usagi drunk or something?
SETSUNA: No, it's just the universal effect of kawaii.
JACK: Maybe kawaiiness should be made illegal.
RINI'S VOICE: I heard that!
(All sweatdrop)

>She
>hoped down and picked Vulpix up.

SETSUNA: Spelling riffs are cheap, okay?
AMY: But... but... please?
SETSUNA: NO!
AMY: Poopy.
(Jack wakes up and staggers back into his chair.)
JACK: Urrrgh... this fic sucks worse than Manos: Hands of Fate!
SETSUNA: Manos?
JACK: I'll tell you later.

> Miss H came over and petted it.

JACK: All over every part of its -
SETSUNA: NO HENTAI!!!!! *WHACK*
JACK: Aaaagh.....

> "Usagi,
>you can't keep this animal in the classroom."

AMY: (Miss Haruna) However, there is a handy-dandy kennel around that corner
where you can store him for 500 yen a day.
JACK: (Miss Haruna) So I'll take him!
SETSUNA: (Miss Haruna) So kick him outside and sit down. You've still got a
spelling test to take!

>Vulpix whimpered at Miss H
>and she smiled. "Is he yours Usagi?"

AMY: (Usagi) No, he's not MY baby!

> "Not mine. Wait a minute."

JACK: (Usagi) And we'll do the Macarena!

>She began digging around in her bag.
>She found the pokeball she had fallen on earlier.

SETSUNA: (Thinking) Please no lemons please no lemons please no lemons...
AMY AND JACK: (Thinking) Please a lemon please a lemon...

>"I thought I knew what
>that was. Wow."

SETSUNA: (Stoned) That was some good stuff, man!

> "Well, it's only ten minutes until lunch." Miss H said. "I doubt
>you all will settle down, so go ahead and leave early. Usagi, you take your
>little friend home and

AMY: Attend to him, ifyaknowwhatImean!
SETSUNA: AMY!

>return on time."

AMY: (let down) Oh.

> "Yes. Miss H." Usagi turned to Ami. "Wanna come with."

JACK: Of couse she does! But you think that she'd wait till she's older...
SETSUNA: I don't get it.
AMY: Laugh while you can. When she gets it, you're going to hurt.
JACK: *audibly gulps*

>Ami
>smiled and nodded.

JACK: Just as we've all been doing all through this fic.

>
>**************
>

AMY: Whoops, spilled the plot points! Lemme sweep those up...

> Usagi walked the whole way home holding the Vulpix and making a face
>that would make her neighbor, Nuku Nuku, jealous.

SETSUNA: Great. It's now officially a crossover between Sailor Moon,
Pokemon, Miyuki-chan in Wonderland, Project A-ko, South Park, AND Nuku-Nuku?
JACK: Where'd he get the money to pay everyone?

> Ami was punching numbers into her computer.

AMY: *Pantomimes punching* Six! Seven! Eight! Take that, you lousy piece of
V-Tech crap!

>"I've accessed Professor
>Oakido's computer.

JACK: (Ami) And you should see all the po -
SETSUNA: NO!!!!!
JACK: (Ami) Pokemon he's caught. (Normal) Geez, what'd you think I'd say?

>It says that Vulpix is a fire type pokemon. If you
>fight
>with it, it will become Ninetails."

SETSUNA: What a load of crap! It evolves only by use of the Fire Stone!
JACK: And you would know this HOW?
SETSUNA: *sweatdrop*
AMY Fight _with_ it or fight _using_it?

> "Fight?" Usagi asked. "Why would I want to do something like that
>with this cute little thing."

JACK: Like Kirby for Nintendo 64, Vulpix's kawaii exterior hides the machinery
of death that makes it the perfect killer.

> "If you are going to keep it, you should at least give him a name."

JACK: I'll give him a name! A few nasty ones!
SETSUNA: And I'll fill out his death certificate!
AMY: Boy, you two are dark this morning.

>Usagi thought for a minute and came up with one.

JACK: I bet it's Mamoru!
SETSUNA: No, probably Motoki.
AMY: I'll bet you it's probably something like Pyro.
JACK AND SETSUNA: You're on!

>"Myro! Its such a
>great name."

AMY: I win!! ^_^
JACK: What kind of a stupid ^$^#ing name is that?
SETSUNA: More importantly, who'd be STUPID enough to name anything MYRO?

> As Ami and Usagi talked, they did not notice a pair of gleaming eyes
>watching them from a tree.

SETSUNA: It's Phobos and Deimos!
AMY: Setsuna, he said a pair of eyes.
SETSUNA: I know, but I don't want a lemon...

>The eyes looked them up and down.

SETSUNA: Please god no, not a lemon...
AMY: Chill, Setsuna! It's only _looking_!
JACK: At least for right now...

> The insanly
>handsome monkey thought real hard.

JACK: With both heads, and the lower head thought "harder" than the upper!
SETSUNA: STOP THE ^#*$ING HENTAI! *WHACK WATAK!*
JACK: *Lies unconscious on the floor, his eyes with swirlies in them*
AMY: Great. Down one riffer.

>Yes he found his next victoms. Bwe he
>he he.

AMY: Evil laughter - the stress reliever of choice for four out of five villains.

> Then he spotted, a super well endowed blonde, with a choker with a
>heart on it, walking with an old man that had cyborg parts. The old man
>said, "Honey-chan, you should try to keep your clothes on when you
>transform.
>I think Chokei is becoming a hentai."

AMY: Great. Add Cutey Honey to the crossover list...
JACK: Since when wasn't Chokei a hentai?

> Hachi smiled. "Forget the senshi." He began following Cutey Honey
>instead.

SETSUNA: Thank you, God! Thank you, God!
AMY: Oh, calm down. We've still got a fic to finish.
JACK: *Wakes up* So it's a self insertion... in more ways than one?
SETSUNA: I'll let that one go.

>
>**************
>

AMY: Dear lord, Hachi forgot to fill in that space with anything plotworthy!
JACK: He forgot to fill in ANY space with anything plotworthy.
SETSUNA: I didn't know that there was a sixteen letter curse word.

> Back to the protagonists...

ALL: (Chanting) Deep hurting... deep hurting... deep hurting!

> Usagi's mom said that she could keep Myro. She was exstatic.

AMY: Well, if she was so damned "exstaticy", someone had better turn her
antenna to better the reception!

(Rimshot)
(All groan)

> Usagi
>bounded upstairs and into the room.

ALL: (Yakko, Wakko, and Dot) Boingy, boingy, boingy!

> Luna was asleep on the bed.

JACK: Dreaming of Artemis, no doubt.
SETSUNA: That, or tuna fish sandwiches.

> Suddenly, "YIP YIP YIP YIP!!!!" Vulpix started barking.

SETSUNA: So the fox is the hound now?
JACK: Please don't bring Disney into this. They don't need the help.
SETSUNA: Sorry.

>Luna leaped
>into the air and clawed onto the curtains.

AMY: (Usagi) HEY! Those are silk! That's gonna cost a fortune!

> "Usagi, what is that... THING!"

SETSUNA: It's a frigging Pokemon. Get it through your thick head.

> "This is Myro.

SETSUNA: (Usagi) And he's an alcoholic.
JACK AND AMY: HI, MYRO.
JACK: (Myro as Eminem) *stands up and begins to hip-hop dance* My name is
Myro, and I'm an alcoholic, I've got a disease and they don't know what to call it...
SETSUNA: Jack?
JACK: Yes?
SETSUNA: Shut up before I beat you with my coffee mug.

>He's a pokemon."

AMY: (Luna) No, he's a frigging fox. Get it through your thick skull!

> "I know what it is. I mean, what is it doing here. We can't keep a
wild animal here."

SETSUNA: Well, you kept Shingo and Chibi-Usa...
RINI'S VOICE: (Over P.A.) Puu... quit it!
SETSUNA: Calm down, Small Lady! It's a fic!

> "We let Sammy stay here.

SETSUNA: Great. This must be another "mind-probing" fic.
JACK: I should hope not.

> Anyway, I found it and decided to keep him."

JACK: (Lenny from "Of Mice and Men") I will hug him, and pet him, and
call him Luna...
SETSUNA: Don't knock Luna. She's cool.

>Usagi explained. Myro settled down and jumped up on the bed.

AMY: Kris Kross could have used Myro in their "Jump" video.

> Luna climbed
>down from the cutains and walked over to Myro, who gave her a big
>sloppy
>lick on her.

JACK: What? HER WHAT?
AMY: (To Setsuna) Aren't you going to hit him?
SETSUNA: (To Amy) What's the use? It doesn't stop him.

> He then layed down and curled up. "Well," Luna said. "I
>supose he isn't too bad. He is rather cute, for a wild animal."

AMY: Just think about how kawaii their kids would be.
JACK: NO! NO CROSS-SPECIES SEX! OSCAR DID TOO MUCH OF THAT! AIEEE!!!!
*Head explodes, flinging rose bouquets everywhere. A few seconds later, the
head reassembles.* Ow...
SETSUNA AND AMY: COOL!
AMY: Do that again!
JACK: Maybe later... when I'm unconscious... from the pain...

> "Usagi, we should get back to school." Ami said. Usagi wasn't
>listneing.

JACK: Surprise, surprise.
AMY: The only thing she DOES listen to is Darien.

>Instead she was tickling Myros tummy

AMY: Among other parts...
SETSUNA: AMY! *Whap*
AMY: Ow!

>and giggling. Ami
>facefaulted.

AMY: Like this? *Facefaults*
JACK: Oy vey... *Sweatdrop*

>
>***************
>

JACK: This fic's hit me so hard that I'm seeing stars!
SETSUNA: Must have gotten all of us then.

> After school, all the senshi met in the park.

AMY: Just like every single other day that they went to school...

> "Oh, wow." Minako said. "A Vulpix? They are very rare.

SETSUNA: RARE MY ASS! You can catch them on Cinnabar Island or outside of Celadon City!
JACK: Setsuna... calm down. (The Knight Who Says Ni) Or we shall say ni at you!

>I'd love
>to come over to see it, but I have a date." Everyone stared at her. "You
>do?"

ALL: Minako? A DATE? *Burst out laughing for the next few lines*

> Minako lowered her head ashamed. "No. Accually it's a doctor's
>appointment."

JACK: Probably with the gynecologist... *WHACK* OWW!!!
SETSUNA: Don't. Go. Any. Further.

> "Oh yeah." Rei said with a smirk. "You told me you had to see the
>gynoc..." Minako smacked a hand over Rei's mouth. "WILL YOU SHUT UP?!"
>Everyone else bust out giggling.

JACK: See? SEE?!?!?!
SETSUNA: So you were right. Shut up.
AMY: "Bust out giggling"? So they're going through puberty again?

> "Its just a check-up." Minako folded her arms and pouted her lip.

AMY: Suuuure it is...

> "Well, I have to work at the temple." Rei said.

SETSUNA: When doesn't she have to work at the jinja?
JACK AND AMY: *Nod in agreement*

> "I have an extraculicular Cartography class this afternoon." Ami
>said. "We are going to study maps of ancient Japan today. I don't want to
>miss that."

SETSUNA: Ami, honey, Japan's been Japan for three hundred million years. Trust me, I know.

> "I have to play in a basketball game against Furikan High.

JACK: Not another damned crossover...

AMY: Maybe it's not. Look at the high school's name.

>This is
>my chance to show up their star player, that Akane Tendou."

JACK: Oh, yeah. (Snidely) "Maybe it's not."
AMY: Shut up.

>Mako said.
>Under her breath she added, "And get Tatewake Kuno's phone number. He
>looks
>just like..."

JACK: Freddy Krueger!
AMY: Girl-type Ranma!
SETSUNA: Oscar!
AMY AND JACK: SETSUNA?
SETSUNA: Hey, I'm allowed one or two once in a while, right?

> "Your old boyfriend!" the rest said. They all started giggling.

JACK: (Sarcastically) We could not have been more right.

> "So I have no-one to hang with?" Usagi started to well up.
> "Oh, calm down, meatball head." Rei snapped. "Why not take Myro to
>the Pokecenter downtown and get your license."
> "That's a great idea." Usagi said.

SETSUNA: Since WHEN has _Usagi_ recognized or had any good ideas?
AMY: Maybe hell's frozen over.
JACK: That would certainly explain Beryl...

>
> Usagi and Vulpix stepped off the bus in front of the Pokecenter.
>As she got to the door, two guys walked out.

JACK: No, Setsuna, I am not going to make a yaoi comment here.
SETSUNA: Good idea.

> "Ain't this great Seth?" one said, looking at a certificate he had.
>"Pokemon Master. I've trained six months and I finally have all 151." He
>started dancing and pranceing around Seth.

ALL: (Singing) You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen... Comet and
Cupid and Donner and Blitzen...
JACK: (Singing) But can you recall...
AMY: (Singing) The most famous reindeer of all?
SETSUNA: (Singing) Hachi the red-nosed reindeer!
(All laugh)
JACK: You know, that yaoi riff could still apply here...
SETSUNA: It's been a relatively good fic. Don't spoil it.
AMY: Is that _Seth Triggs_? The Master of MSTing?
JACK: In a _Hachific_?!?

> "Will you stop that, Blaine." Seth looked around to make sure
>no-one saw them. "Please don't do that in public."

JACK: See? SEE?
SETSUNA: Shut up.
AMY: Oh, wow... deja vu...
JACK: Hey, that's Blaine! He wrote a lot of good stuff in the past... And
Seth Triggs! He MSTed "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday"! And he wrote good
Thundercats stuff! And he made the _funniest_ Pokemon comics!
SETSUNA: Cameos. Gotta love them.
AMY: But isn't that a breach of the Fourth Wall?
(A crashing sound is heard)
SETSUNA: One more Fourth Wall breach, Amy, and I hit you with my coffee mug.

> Usagi walked inside and went to a woman behind a counter. "I'd like
>to get a licence please."

SETSUNA: (License lady) Marriage or driver's?

> "Can I see your ID?" the receptionist tok it. "14? Your's starting
>kinda late aren't ya? The minimum age is 10."

JACK: No hentai from me here. Nope, not gonna say it.
SETSUNA: Good.

> "Well I just now got a pokemon." The woman nodded and made a
>license for Usagi.

AMY: (License lady) Well, dearie, you need to give me three thousand yen if
you want this, because you don't really qualify for it.

> Usagi walked out feeling very happy. Then she heard a voice. "If
>you need to know what's going on..."

SETSUNA: (Mysterious voice) Watch the fricking news.

> "Listen to us, little girl..."

AMY: Oh, yeah, like Usagi's really little the way she eats.

> Usagi looked up. On top of the building were two people. A male
>and a female. They had on uniforms with big R's on the front. They had a
>Meowth with them.

JACK: They hated being in this really bad crossover...
SETSUNA: They screamed random henshin phrases and began to transform.
AMY: They leapt out of the fic and beat the riffers over the head repeatedly
for using bad grammar riffs.
JACK AND SETSUNA: Shut up.

> "To guard the universal distruction..." The red headed girl said.
> "To keep the universal peace..." the blue haired man said.
> "We carry out an evil of love and truth..."
> "We are the loving and charming villains."

AMY: To protect the world from devastation...
JACK: To unite all people within our nation...
AMY: To promote the goodness of truth and love...
JACK: To extend our reach to the stars above...
SETSUNA: Crap, not another bad Team Rocket motto.
JACK: Nope, not Team Rocket...
JESSIE AND JAMES: (Over P.A.) We heard that! Take this! *An Arbok and a Weezing
appear in the theater along with a Lickitung, Victreebell, and a Meowth. They
attack the riffers.*
SETSUNA: Mewtwo, go! *Throws a Pokeball. Mewtwo pops out and immobilizes them with
its Psychic attack.*
AMY: Go, Blastoise! *A Blastoise pops out of her Pokeball and uses Hydro Pump to
pin the five Pokemon to the wall.*
JACK: I choose you! Fushigidane! *A Bulbasaur pops out of his Pokeball and whacks
them to regions unknown.*
ALL: Return!
SETSUNA: Now who's the otaku?
JACK: Bite me.
(All Pokemon return to their Pokeballs. The riffers sit down and continue.)

> "Musashi!!"
> "Kojiro!!"

AMY: Amy!
JACK: Jack!

> "We are the Rocket Gang, travel any stars in the galaxy and..."
> "A white hole- a white future is waiting for us."

AMY: Team Riffer, blast off at the speed of light!
JACK: Surrender now, or prepare to fight!
SETSUNA: Oh, shut up.

> The Meowth jumped up. "Meowth!! That's Right!!!"

SETSUNA: Oh, all right. Setsuna! That's right! *grumbles*
JACK AND AMY: Thanks, Setsuna!

> Usagi recognized them. They could only be up to no good. "Moon
>Prism Power, Make Up!!!" She spun around and her fuku appeared on her.

JACK: Damn! For once I wish that the henshin sequence would screw up and there
would be no fuku... *WA-TAK!*

>She
>and Myro leaped onto the buiding with them. "What do you want, Rocket
>Trash."

JACK: (Kojiro) We want directions to the nearest McDonald's!
AMY: (Musashi) I want a henshin stick!
SETSUNA: (Meowth) I want Luna!
JACK: No animal hentai!

> "We want your little Vulpix, cutey." Musashi said.

AMY: Cute? Usagi? *Breaks into hysterical laughter*
JACK: Rini, maybe, but NOT Usagi.

> "No way. It's wrong to pick on poor helpless animals. Team Rocket
>has been know to have caused the death of many pokemon too. I hate
>that. I
>will stand and fight for the good of all pokemon. I stand for truth, love
>and Kindness. I'm Sailor Moon. And on behalf of the moon, I'll punish
>you."

JACK: Who agrees with me that Serena's new seiyuu sucks?
(All nod and voice affirmatives. The Fourth Wall shatters again.)

>She posed and pointed at them.
> Musashi and Kojiro's eyes began twitching. "Did she just deliver a
>long speech?"
> "Well we shall show her."

JACK AND AMY: (Kojiro and Musashi) We shall say "ni" at you!
SETSUNA: *Sigh and sweatdrop*

> Kojiro leaped forward and made a kneeling stance. "Since long ago
>in time gone past, we of the Rocket Gang have strived to be the very
>best.
> The best there ever was."
> Musashi posed the same way. "To catch them is our real test. To
>train them is out cause..."

SETSUNA: Hey, it's the dub theme!
AMY: It's sing along with badly dubbed villains!
ALL: I will travel across the land, searching far and wide... each Pokemon to
understand the power that's inside...

> "We will travel across the land, searching far and wide!"
> "Teach Pokemon to understand the power that's inside."
> "Pokemon!!" Kojiro yelled.
> "Gotta catch 'em all!!!!" They yelled together.
> A sweat drop formed on Meowth's head. "Eh, that's...right?"

AMY: (Meowth) Does it look like I care?

> Usagi stuck her tounge out. "Let a pro show you how its done." She
>leaped into the air and fireworks blasted off behind her.
> "Fighting evil by moonlight! Winning love by daylight! Never
>.running from a real fight! I am the one named Sailor Moon! I will never
>tu..."

ALL: CRAP!
SETSUNA: Another Japanese/dub crossover!
JACK: DiC really (BLEEP)ed up Seasons one and two.
AMY: Let's get them when we get off of this satellite.

> Musashi yawned. "Not that old number again."
> "Hey," Usagi whined. "I sat through yours."

AMY: (Usagi) And I had to go to the bathroom too!

> "That doesn't matter. We are going to battle." Kojiro threw a
>pokeball out. "Go, Weezing!!" The huge polution ball leaped out and
>confronted the little Vulpix.
> "Er... OK, Myro... do something." Usagi said.

JACK: (Usagi) Myro... something attack!

>Myro took a breath
>and blew out a flame at Weezing. Unfortunatly it was the size of a
>lighterflame. Musashi, Kojiro, Meowth, and Weezing fell over laughing.

ALL: *RAOTFALTAO (Roll around on the floor and laugh their asses off)*

>Suddenly, they were engulfed in flame.
> "Ahhhhh!!!!!" Meowth cried. "How did he do that!!!" Then Weezing
>exhaled some fumes.

AMY: Fire plus Weezing equals explosion attack!
JACK: Ten to one says that it was Rei and not Vulpix.
SETSUNA: I don't take sucker bets.
JACK: Amy?
AMY: Not a chance.
JACK: Damn.

> "NO DON'T!" Musashi yelled. The fumes ignited and exploded. They
>all flew away.
> "LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET'S BLASING OFF AGAAIIIiiinnnnnnnn..."
> Usagi cheered and ran to Myro. "That was great!" But Myro gave her
>a confused look, as if to say that he didn't do it.

SETSUNA: (Myro as Bart Simpson) I didn't do it.

> Rei climbed onto the
>building, she had a swirl of flame around her finger as she smiled.

SETSUNA: But she only has the flame around her hands in her attack sequences...
JACK: Don't think too hard. Your head will explode like mine.

> "I was
>sweeping when I had the feeling you needed help."

AMY: Maybe it's nearly over. It had better be.
JACK: We can only hope...

> "Thanks Rei." Usagi gave her friend a hug and Myro jumped around
>barking.

SETSUNA: More evidence that this fox could have worked for Kris Kross.
JACK: We've done this riff before.

>The End

ALL: Finally!

>2/ 25/ 99

SETSUNA: That was the day hell froze over.
AMY: It's over?

>
>
>
>
>

JACK: It's official. We beat the fic.
AMY: Let's go.
(All get up and leave theater.)

(Reverse door sequence)

(Scene change. New scene: Main Holodeck of SOS. Setsuna holds the molecular
stabilizer in her hands as Jack sits by a keyboard with Amy.)
JACK: *Typing* Okay... did the sphere cut perfectly?
AMY: Not quite... give me a minute...
SETSUNA: We'd better hurry. Rini and Hotaru want back in.
(Pounding is coming from the doors, which are shut and sealed)
RINI: (Muffled) Come on! I want my holodeck!
HOTARU: (Muffled) You want I should get medieval on this door?
SETSUNA: (Yelling) Give us ten minutes! And if Beryl calls, keep her busy!
JACK: Amy, is it done yet?
AMY: One second... *Uses a handheld laser to cut a spherical holo-crystal*
There! *Hands the laser to Jack and the crystal to Setsuna* We'd better hurry.
Beryl will no doubt be expecting us.
SETSUNA: This had better work... *Shoves stabilizer into crystal.*
(All leave Holodeck. Rini and Hotaru burst in.)
RINI: Computer, run program Tsukino One.
HOTARU: You think that they'd get the hint.
RINI: Nothing ever tells those adults.
(The scenery - a grey-walled holodeck with blue lines - melts into a tropical
beach. Holo-swimsuits appear in Rini and Hotaru's hands.)
RINI: Be back in a minute. *Pops into a holo-changing booth and changes into
her suit. Hotaru does the same. A matter of minutes later, they come out and
walk for a distance... to some massage tables manned by handsome lifeguards.*
HOTARU: Beryl sure did leave some good programs with this satellite.
RINI: *Sigh* Too bad we didn't get to this sooner.
(Fade from Holodeck to Bridge. Setsuna is standing there, holding the holo-
crystal. Jack and Amy are in their chairs, holding small glasses of red wine.)
SETSUNA: I didn't think that this would work, but apparently...
AMY: Let's just hope that Beryl doesn't notice until it's too late... *sips*
JACK: Anyway, when do you think that she'll call? *Button flashes* Well, speak
of the devil. Bowser's wife and her Koopalings are calling. *Pushes button*

(NegaCave)
BERYL: So, my little floor mats, how was the fic?

(SOS)
AMY: God-awful. It was like getting food poisoning off an eight-course meal.
SETSUNA: Where do you find this stuff?
JACK: My head exploded.

(NegaCave)
BERYL: If I told you where I got the fic, the rest of the Senshi would destroy it.

(SOS)
JACK: Crap.
SETSUNA: Anyway, you know how Serenity won't give you the Silver Crystal?
AMY: Well, we got Rini's.

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Let me see!

(SOS)

SETSUNA: Gladly. *Opens her cupped hands to reveal the crystal.*
JACK: One Ginzuishou for five people off this Godforsaken satellite.

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Let me see that... it's fake! Zoisite, push the button and give them the
unending horror!
ZOISITE: Yes, my queen. Malachite, dear, let's go check out these new implants,
ehh?
MALACHITE: *Grins like an idiot*

(SOS)
SETSUNA: How the hell'd she know it was fake?
JACK: Who knows? We're still stuck here.
AMY: Maybe we should all go to the holodeck and see what Rini and Hotaru are doing.
SETSUNA: Good idea. Maybe it's that DiCaprio kid.
AMY: Setsuna - we're out of the fic. Don't riff.
SETSUNA: Righty - ho.

(FWOOSH)

\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
------0------
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \

(Fade to black)

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Well, MSTing number two done. Megami-sama, was there ever such a crossover?
Eight series in one fic. Geez. Next up will be an interesting little Sailor
Moon fic called Sailor Moon: Redux. It should be quite... (A la Doctor Evil,
complete with finger-to-mouth bit) evil. (Normal) Anyway, I'm going to settle
in for a nice game of Maelstrom using my Beavis and Butthead sound collection
and my Star Trek sprites.

The plot to get off the satellite has failed! What's next for our intrepid
senshi and bishounen? Sitting on the beach and drinking to beat Barney Gumble?
Acting like Ned Flanders? Actually giving Beryl Rini's Ginzuishou? Find out
next time!

Anyway, I am pleased to announce the schedule for the first season of Mystery
Sailor Moon Theater 3000. Courtesy of Blaine, Ken Hoinsky, Keith Dawe, and
everyone's favorite SI author, myself, I have a fairly good lineup for the next
several fics. Ja ne, everybody, and as soon as I get done with the schedule,
I'll start the nect fic!

Tuxedo Jack
TuxedoJack@juno.com

Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000

Season One
Episode 101 - Seinfeld Meets Sailor Moon (Released 7/17/00)
Episode 102 - PokeSailors (Released 7/20/00)
Episode 103 - Sailor Moon: Redux (Estimated Release Date: 7/21/00)
Episode 104 - Whimsical Sailor Street (ERD: 7/25/00)
Episode 105 - Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Parts 1 through 3 (ERD: 8/2/00)
Episode 106 - Bishoujo Senshi Royal Rumble (ERD: 8/4/00)
Episode 107 - AcAnime Fanfic Awards 2000 Act One (ERD: 8/9/00)
Episode 108 - Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Parts 4 and 5 (ERD: 8/13/00)