Digimon Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction ❯ Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season 1 ❯ Sailor Moon: Redux - MSMT3K Episode 103 ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

"How can I tell that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the
discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of
mind?" - The Ruler of The Universe ("The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe"
by Douglas Adams)

Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000
Episode 103
BERYL'S BASTARD OF A BRAINCHILD: "Sailor Moon Redux" by Jack Staik

DISCLAIMER - O - RAMA: The Senshi used herein belong to Takeuchi-sama. The fic
belongs to Jack Staik, and believe me, he's more than welcome to it. Everybody
else is the property of whomever has the misfortune of owning them. I make no
claim on any of these characters or fics - nor would I want to. Well, the only
one character there is that I own is Tuxedo Jack - I own him because I created
him! Geez... okay, disclaimer over. I am making no money from this fic; please
don't sue me; I have no money anyway; etc., etc., etc. Am I done here? I think so.

Break time's over; let's continue with the Pokerap! Charmeleon, Wartortle,
Mewtwo, Tentacruel, Aerodactyl...

**************************************************** ****

In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere deep in hell, I think,
The generals and Queen Beryl are
Hatching plans that really stink!

They caught a bishounen named Tuxedo Jack,
Just an average guy who always wears black
Their evil plans needed a good test case,
So they whacked him on the head and then
They shot him into space! (Tuxedo Jack: YOU IDIOTS!!!)

(Jadeite) We'll send him lots of fanfics,
(Nephrite) The most there can possibly be, (la-la-la)
(Zoisite) He'll have to sit and read them all
(Malachite) And keep his GPA above three (la-la-la)

(Beryl) Poor Tuxy Boy, he can't control
When the fanfics begin or end, (la-la-la)
He'll lose his relative sanity
Along with the Senshi I caught with him!

SENSHI ROLL CALL!
Setsuna! (No baka hentai!)
Hotaru! (Let's go watch "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"!)
Teenage Rini! (Do you feel lucky, punk?)
Amy! (No Oscarfics... please...)

If you're wondering how they eat and sleep,
And other science facts, (la-la-la)
Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Amy later,
Now I need to sit back and relax!"

For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! (Twang)

********************************************************
(Fade in to Bridge of Satellite of Senshi. Rini and Hotaru are standing
around, Rini with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. Hotaru has a
small cup of herbal tea.)
RINI: How long has it been since they went in there?
HOTARU: *looks at her watch* About three days.
RINI: Even they can't stay in there forever. I mean, what could have been
so bad about that last fic that they hated it?
HOTARU: *sips* Maybe it wasn't the fic.
RINI: Huh? What do you mean, Hotaru?
HOTARU: Maybe it wasn't the fic, but rather what happened with whatever
they were doing inside the holodeck.
RINI: Maybe. Hey, I wonder what they're doing in there?
HOTARU: Who knows? Let's check it out.
(Rini and Hotaru walk over to the holodeck's main doors.)
RINI: (reading panel) Program Meiou-One. Must be something that Puu made.
HOTARU: Think we should go in?
RINI: *Evil grin*
HOTARU: I'll take that as a yes. Computer, open main doors to Holodeck 1.
COMPUTER: Unable to comply. Doors sealed.
RINI: What? That must be Puu's command that did it!
HOTARU: Maybe I can undo it. Computer, open doors to Holodeck 1 on emergency
order of Lieutenant Hotaru. Access code -
JACK: *Sneaks up behind them* Belay that order, computer. *Rini and Hotaru
jump. Jack grins.* Trying to get in to Setsuna and Amy, eh?
RINI: I just wanted to see Puu...
HOTARU: And know what they're doing...
JACK: Well.. come on to the kitchen and I'll tell you. *Takes Rini's hand and
leads them to the kitchen. Rini and Hotaru sit down on barstools as Jack
moves to the refrigerator.*
RINI: So what are they up to?
HOTARU: Not another plan to get off this satellite...
JACK: Nope. *Grin* A surrprise for all of us. All I'm going to say is that
you'll need some formal oufits... and I mean dresses.
RINI: Not dresses! *Raspberry*
JACK: If you want to see it, you'll wear a dress. Let's just hope that the
terrible Negacreeps don't call... *Button flashes* Well, speak of the devil.
The Dixie Chicks are making a house call. Rini, will you get that?
HOTARU: I'm closer. I'll get it. *Stands up, walks over to the button, and
pushes it.*

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Who are you calling a Dixie Chick?

(SOS)
JACK: Well, you ARE loud, annoying, and ugly...
RINI: And your heads are wide open spaces...

(NegaCave)
BERYL: *Sits in stunned silence*
NEPHRITE: Well, what have you got for us this time, oh useless characters?

(SOS)
HOTARU: We've got the RevengeFic-O-Tron. *Gestures at a machine to her right*
Put a fic in... *Jack passes her an Oscarfic, which she throws in. The machine
begins to sputter and after a few seconds spits out a small sheaf of paper.*
Still has a few bugs, albeit, but it works. *Looks at the fic's title* Oh, great.

JACK: What?
HOTARU: It's the first page to "AAA Celebrity Deathmatch" by Nav.
RINI: Well, there you have it. What've you got?

(NegaCave)
NEPHHRITE: We're exempt. Ha ha!
BERYL: *Recovers* So, you ready for hell today?

(SOS)
RINI: Bring it on, Negabitch.

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Just as annoying as your mother. Hmmph. Well, your fic today is a
godawful piece of trash written by Jack Staik called "Sailor Moon Redux". Is
she on a diet pill or something?

(SOS)
RINI: DIET PILL?!?! WHY YOU LITTLE... *Charges the screen*

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Send them the fic, Jadeite!
JADEITE: With pleasure. *Presses the button*

(SOS)
RINI: I'LL KILL HER! *Starts pounding on the screen*
JACK: Worry about that later... *Klaxons go off and lights flash* because right
now we've got FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!

(Door Sequence)
Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door.
Door 5: Star Trek-like doors. They hiss apart and you move on.
Door 4: Van doors. They pop open, the right first and then the left.
Door 3: It's Dark Helmet from SpaceBalls. Setsuna knocks him out with her staff
and you head onwards.
Door 2: It's an A/C vent. It pops off with a clatter.
Door 1: It's a Gringotts safe. A goblin appears and magicks it away.

(Theater. Seating order: Rini, Hotaru, Jack.)

RINI: Well, it appears that they just don't quit.
HOTARU: It just keeps going... and going... and going...
JACK: Now think that Energizer bunny on Ex-lax.
ALL: It just keeps going... and going... and going...

>From: Jack Staik

HOTARU: Master of the obvious.
RINI: How would you know his e-mail?
HOTARU: I'm a bit psychic, remember?

>
>This is a multi-part message in MIME format.

JACK: Ooh! Mr. Mime! Mime mime mime mime mime! *Imitates Mr. Mime from Pokemon*
RINI: Jack? You're scaring me.

>--------------C95CF6D4027003FB82B175C6

HOTARU: The hell? Has the fic short-circuited?

>I found this in my files, and since I've been working so much lately,

RINI: On my weapons...
JACK: A little dark, are we?
RINI: Who, me?

>I
>haven't had a chance to write anything new. So, just to keep the C&C
>coming in ....

JACK: Oh, he wants comments and criticism?
RINI: I'll give him a comment! *Shakes a fist*
HOTARU: And I'll give him criticism! *Holds up a Hammerspace e-mail bomb*

>
>--------------C95CF6D4027003FB82B175C6

HOTARU: The fic's camera got broken somehow.
JACK: I say that the author dropped it into water.

>
>--------------------
>Sailor Moon Redux

RINI: So mama's on a diet pill?
JACK: Among other pills... (Thinking) I better tone down the hentai. These are
little girls, after all. They're only about seventeen.

>by Jack Staik, Bookkeeper-At-Arms

JACK: And Tuxedo Jack, Bishounen-at-Arms.
RINI: And Sailor Mini-moon, Bishouji-at-Arms.
HOTARU: And Sailor Saturn, Up-in-Arms.
RINI: Against this fic?
HOTARU: Duh.

>--------------------

HOTARU: Hey, a message in Morse code!
JACK: I'll translate. *Clears throat* This fic sucks, don't read it, leave the
theater now. *All get up to leave*
BERYL'S VOICE: SIT DOWN!
(All sit down, grumbling)

>
>FOREWORD: The basic concept came from Gregg Sharp; namely,
>Sailor Moon without the offensive sentai crap. This is my
>own idea in that direction.

JACK: And he got lost halfway there, no doubt.

>What this author knows about Sailor Moon

RINI: Is nothing!
HOTARU: Why am I not surprised?
JACK: I wouldn't be.

>comes from three
>tapes watched several years ago and assorted fanfics; my
>knowledge is insufficient to take it much further.

ALL: *Sing a chorus of "Take it to the Limits" by the Eagles*

>So no
>writing asking for sequels or prequels.

JACK: Sailor Moon: Episode One.
RINI: The Fan-dom Menace.
HOTARU: *Groans*

>If anyone wants to take the concept and run with it, you
>have my blessing.

JACK: Oh, oh, he's running... he's running...
HOTARU: He dodges a flying tackle...
RINI: Touchdown!
ALL: *Imitate crowd cheering*

> * * * * * * * * * *

RINI: Ten stars? What's Roger Ebert smoking?

>Artemis heard the girls talk excitedly among themselves in
>the next room.

JACK: Nope. Not gonna say it.
HOTARU: Minako had brought many bottles of beer. They were rapidly getting
drunk and throwing up all over everywhere. Eventually, they died of alcohol
poisoning. The end.
RINI: And I thought my riff was dark...
HOTARU: Don't worry. It's coming from a master.

>The dreams of a thousand cold years were coming to fruition;
>the Inner Senshi were reunited, the Dark Kingdom could be
>destroyed, and, in the distant future, shining Crystal Tokyo,
>the true successor to the Moon Kingdom, could reign over a
>happy and peaceful human race.

JACK: Ah. So it's World War Three all over again?

>But everything was so *wrong*!!

HOTARU: That's an understatement.
JACK: (Thinking) Must... restrain... hentai riff...
RINI: I don't know... I mean, you're a nice guy and all, but the timing just
isn't right.
JACK AND HOTARU: NANI???
JACK: Rini? Hentai riffs coming from you?
RINI: I'm a little OOC today.
JACK: So can I make a few of my own?
RINI: Be my guest.
JACK: Cool!

>"Spill it, Luna," Artemis said harshly. "What happened?"

RINI: (Luna) Well, I had this dream that I was a thirteen-year-old kid, and you
were you, but I'm not sure what really happened...
JACK: Please, no Oscar riffs.

>"I'm not really sure," the black cat said guiltily. "I have
>only a theory that I worked out by using the Mercury
>Computer. It seems to fit the observed facts -"

HOTARU: Facts? In this fic?
RINI: Of life.
JACK: That Bill Clinton is faithful to Hillary.
(All break out in hysterical laughter)
JACK: That Al Gore invented the Internet.
(Laughter rises in intensity)
JACK: That Dan Quayle is the most intelligent man on earth.
(Rini laughs so hard that she vomits all over a corner of the theater.)

>"Dammit, Luna!" the white tomcat hissed. "Stop the double-
>talk! Where are the Sailor Senshi?"

HOTARU: (A la me) In... HELL!

>"Those *are* the Sailor Senshi!"

JACK: Oh my God... THEY'RE THE SENSHI? As if we didn't already know that.

RINI: Phffft. No big deal.

>Artemis went to the door and peeked out.

JACK: (Artemis) Whoo-hoo! I got a good view here!

>The blonde - Usagi, they said her name was - looked
>decidedly unfeminine in a muscle-shirt and camouflage pants.

RINI: The hell? Is she Ranma or something?

>Looking at her face-on, you might mistake her for a boy
>unless you noticed her small breasts.

(All break out in laughter.)
RINI: Man, that's an understatement! Even _I_ have more cleavage.
JACK: (Dryly) I don't doubt it. Let's continue, shall we?

>Or she turned and you
>saw the single long braided ponytail reaching clear to her
>ankles.

RINI: Waaaaaait a minute... Mama wears two pigtails and odangos!
JACK: Smile and nod, Rini, smile and nod.

>The blue-haired girl with the blue eyepiece of the Mercury
>Computer - Ami, he recalled - had a cheerful expression,
>with oddly deep and wise eyes. The denim jacket and jeans
>and plain white t-shirt didn't diminish her femininity in
>the least.

AMY'S VOICE: Not one word, you three.
(All remain silent)

>The black-haired girl called Rei wore a Shinto temple-
>maiden's garb.

JACK: Consisting of hot pants and a leather strapless bra.
HOTARU: So basically it's a Starlight outfit?
JACK: Yep.

> She had an intense air about her, as if
>everything were serious. She hovered a few centimeters
>above the floor in lotus position; no one seemed to notice.

RINI: Whoa! Did Douglas Adams come in here?
JACK: What, you thinking that she's Fenchurch?
RINI: Well, she is floating...
HOTARU: *snicker* Arthur Dent as Darien... *snicker*

>The girl with the ponytail who he learned was named Makoto
>seemed full of energy.

JACK: (Pikachu) Mako! Makochu! Ma! Mako! Makochu!

>Her leotard in green and silver at
>least seemed close to the appropriate colors. She briefly
>vanished, only to reappear a second later, soft drinks in
>hand for all assembled.

RINI: It's the amazing teleporting Mako-chan!
HOTARU: Another fine product from Staik Industries.
JACK: Makers of the Interocitor a.k.a. the amazing Technicolor Cheese Wedge.

>Only his own protege, Sailor Venus, *looked* like a Senshi,
>or had the abilities that senshi were supposed to have.

JACK: As opposed to what? A poorly dubbed DiC version?
(All shudder)

>"Then where are their uniforms? Their special attacks?
>During that battle with the Dark Kingdom Generals, they used
>attacks I never heard of! And displayed abilities no Sailor
>Senshi ever possessed!"

RINI: And also threw giant cheese wedges!
HOTARU: Okay, no more cheese refs.

>Luna sighed. "As I said, I only have a theory."

JACK: Energy equals matter the speed of light squared!
HOTARU: Jack, Einstein thought that up.
JACK: I know, but it'd sound cool coming from Luna.

>Artemis nodded. "Well, maybe it'll help."
>Luna began; "When Usagi Tsunkino was a child, her parents
>were killed in an accident. She went to live with the Kumon
>family, relatives of her mother. They were poor martial
>artists, barely able to maintain their family dojo.

RINI: Kinda like the Tendos?

>"About a year later, Kumon-sensei acquired the secret of the
>Yamasenken, a powerful and exotic martial art.

HOTARU: Exotic dancing is a martial art?

> So powerful,
>in fact, that he accidentally destroyed his own dojo, dying
>in the process.

RINI: Definitely like the Tendos, then.
JACK: But they don't die.
RINI: Details, details...

>"The sole survivor of the Kumon family, Ryu, taught Usagi
>the Yamasenken as well as his own family's Art, and they set
>out on a quest for the creator of the Yamasenken. A quest
>Usagi is still on."

HOTARU: The quest for the Holy Grail.
RINI: (A la the Old Man From Scene 24) _What_ is you favorite color?
JACK: (Usagi as Sir Robin) Red. No... *Makes bouncing noise* bluuuuuuuuuuuuue.....
*Makes splatting noise*
HOTARU: The "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" skit, ladies and gentlemen.

>Artemis nodded. "Go on."

JACK: (Luna) That's it. There's not much more.
RINI: *Evil grin* That's all there is; there is no more.
JACK: AAAAAAHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOO! *Head explodes, flinging Star Trek: Starship
Creator CD-ROMs everywhere. Fortunately, it reassembles after a few seconds.* Not again...
RINI: Cool!
HOTARU: Hey! Star Trek!

>"The Yamasenken techniques involve some immensely powerful
>maneuvers - and advanced techniques of ki manipulation are
>part of its fundamentals."

HOTARU: Great. Now Usagi's making a guest appearance in DBZ.

>"Ki manipulation?" Artemis asked. "But even the basic
>techniques take years to master. An advanced form can't be
>mastered at her age."

JACK: But it can be mastur... *ZZZAP!!!* OWWW! RINI!!!
RINI: I didn't do it.
JACK: Then who...
HOTARU: *Evil grin* I have to have some fun, don't I?

>Luna snorted. "That's what I believed, too. But the
>techniques of the Yamasenken are apparently unique, and
>Usagi began as a child."

HOTARU: Not one word, Jack. *Hands crackle with power*
JACK: Don't worry. I have no desire to have my head explode again.

>"So what does that have to do with the dearth of Sailor
>Senshi among our ranks?"

RINI: (Wheel of Fish host) ABSORUTERY NATRING! YOU... SO... STUPID!!!!

>"I believe - and the Mercury Computer agrees that it's a
>possibility," Luna answered, "that when I gave Usagi the
>Moon Locket and tried to transform her into Sailor Moon, her
>trained and focused ki resisted the change and somehow
>destroyed the power template for Sailor Moon.

JACK: Too... too much to com... comprehend... yaagh! *Head explodes again,
throwing little animated Rinis around the theater. They look up, see the fic,
scream once, and die. His head reassembles.*
RINI: Nice one.

>"When the power entered her, it had no template to shape it,
>so it simply reshaped itself to her previously existing
>abilities.

HOTARU: Which were pigging out and failing tests?

>"Techniques that she knew before as theory became actual.
>Her strength and speed increased. Her senses became more
>acute."

JACK: While she grew less and less kawaii every day.

>"But what about the rest?" Artemis demanded. "Were they all
>trained in exotic martial arts?"

RINI: (Luna) No, but they were trained in exotic danc... *ZZZAP!!!* HOTARU!!!!
HOTARU: No more hentai!

>"No - but I believe that Usagi may very well be the Moon
>Princess. If so, her template would have been the central
>one, the one all the others would be based on. Any changes
>in that template would affect them all. Her power-up may
>have destroyed all the templates for the Sailor Senshi. Only
>your Sailor Venus seems unaffected, and that may be because
>she was awakened first."

HOTARU: (Mercury computer) File corrupted. Save anyway?

>"So when they used the henshin sticks -"

HOTARU: Don't even start, you.

>"They were flooded with magic power. This power was without a
>template to shape it, so it simply shaped itself according to
>the inclinations of the host."

JACK: (Thinking) Hentai mind working doubletime...

>"Hmmm ... " Artemis thought hard. The situation might yet be
>saved. "What abilities are we talking about here?"

RINI: (Luna) Poor acting, bad singing, dubbing in particular...

>"Usagi's abilities are an amplification of her martial arts
>style," Luna explained. "Before her power-up, she had been
>training much of her life. And she had become good - the day
>before I gave her the Moon Locket, I saw her defeat six
>armed men with her bare hands."

HOTARU: (Luna) And a big-ass katana, but that was used at the end...

>Artemis whistled appreciatively. "And those energy crescents
>she was throwing -"
>"It's called the Kijin Raishu Dan - the Demon God Assault
>Bomb. An advanced maneuver of the Yamasenken, one which
>Usagi had failed to master before receiving the Moon Power.
>Her foster brother Ryu has completely mastered that
>technique."

JACK: Ryu? What is this, a Street Fighter crossover?
RINI: Any second now, I expect Haruka to come through the door and act like M. Bison.

>Artemis looked apprehensive. That such power could exist
>apart from magic - a power *anyone* could learn - made him
>nervous. "And with the Moon Power, she's fully mastered the
>Yamasenken?"

HOTARU: (Luna) Yep. And she uses it to make such lovely julienne fries!

>"And other forms as well," Luna confirmed. "Without the Moon
>Power, she is still a formidable warrior. With it, she's all
>but invincible."
>"And the others?"

RINI: (Luna) Forget the others. Let's talk about you and me, baby.

>Luna continued. "The girl Ami - with the Mercury Power - was
>a very intelligent girl before her power-up, but isolated.
>Her need to expand her intellect and desire to be less
>isolated enhanced her genius and changed her into a
>telepath."

JACK: Amy, my dear, I didn't know you were a Betazoid.
AMY'S VOICE: We'll take this up later!

>"'Telepath'?"

RINI: Repetition. A fanfic is never complete without repetition. A public
service mesage brought to you by the Repitition University of Repetition.

>"A telepath," Luna confirmed. "Of at least seventh order, by
>the Silver Millenium-era rankings. She's destroyed more than
>one youma by simple psychic blasts."

JACK: (Ash Ketchum) Now if I can just get her into the Pokeball, I can get
a new Psychic-type Pokemon!

>"A telepath and genius, with the scanners and databases of
>the Mercury Computer," Artemis said quietly, his mind seeing
>the potentials.

HOTARU: (Artemis) Wow... we can use her to win a fortune at Aqueduct!
RINI: (Luna) And not only that, she can also help us win at canasta too!

>Luna nodded. "Already, she's the de facto leader of the
>group. Her tactical and strategic abilities are quite
>formidable."

JACK: And I like to use big words to make you seem small!

>"The rest - the rest," he said impatiently.

RINI: (Artemis as a New York Mobster) Where's the dough, mac? I want the money!

>"Calm yourself!" Luna admonished.

JACK: (As another New York Mobster) I'll get da dough! I'll get da dough! I
just needs a liddle more time!

>"Sorry," Artemis said. down the toilet isn't exactly conducive to relaxation.>

ALL: *Imitate a toilet flushing*

>"Rei received the Mars Power," Luna continued. "Before her
>power-up, she served in her grandfather's temple, and had
>developed her spiritual gifts to a high level. With the

>Mars Power, those gifts have been magnified enormously.

HOTARU: (Luna) Twelve hundred percent, to be exact.

>"Without the Mars Power, she could do things like ward
>spirits and even see the future to an extent. With the
>power, she can penetrate most disguises and psychic
>camouflage, sense exact locations of specific individuals
>from great distances, astrally project, and even create
>solid objects from spiritual force. Her Spirit Javelins are
>rather effective against Youma."

RINI: I've this funny feeling that I've seen this power before...
JACK: You've been reading my reserved copy of Harry Potter Four, haven't you?

>Artemis was impressed so far. This group seemed formidable
>even before their power-ups. "And the other one - Makoto,
>was it? The one with the Jupiter Power?"

JACK: Warning! El-Hazard crossover imminent!

>"She was a street brawler," Luna answered. "She had some
>martial arts training, but nothing on Usagi's level."

RINI: Usagi gained a level! Attack: 25. Defense: 32. Speed: 34. Special -
HOTARU: Rini, this isn't Pokemon.

>"So what did the Jupiter Power do to her? I noticed she was
>- fast." He saw her run to the kitchen and back so fast she
>might as well have teleported.

JACK: She's a female Flash.
RINI: -er.
HOTARU: BOLT 3! *ZZZAAAPPP!!!!!**Rini gets fried by the bolt but instantly
recovers.* Lay of the hentai, honey.

>"An understatement," Luna confirmed. "The Jupiter Power took
>her desire to be tough enough not to be hurt, and her desire
>to run away from problems, and made those traits tangible.
>She's little slower than a bolt of lightning. Few human eyes
>can follow her. And she's all but indestructible; cars have
>destroyed themselves running into her, and bullets bounce
>off."

RINI: Faster than a speeding bullet...
HOTARU: More powerful than a locomotive...
JACK: Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...
RINI: Look up in the sky! It's a bird!
HOTARU: It's a plane!
JACK: It's... SuperJupiter! Up, up, and away!
(All laugh)

>Artemis whistled in awe.

ALL: *Whistle*

>"It sounds like these girls might be tougher than the Sailor
>Senshi we were supposed to train!"
>"They have fewer restrictions on their abilities," Luna
>commented.
>Artemis sat deep in thought.

RINI: And knee-deep in his crap.
HOTARU: EWW!!! RINI!!!

>"Now how can we turn them into proper Sailor Senshi?" he
>said.

JACK: Use Calvin's transmogrifier. He'd be happy to loan it out.

>"I don't believe that would be wise."
>"It's necessary!" Artemis argued. "The Sailor Senshi weren't
>just a military force; they were a political and propaganda
>tool. They allowed the concepts of unity and cultural
>conformity to be sold to the masses in a pleasing shape. A
>sentai that dressed alike, had complimentary abilities, and
>followed the lead of the Moon Princess aided us in creating
>a single unified culture over an entire solar system that
>followed the lead of the Moon Kingdom. If we're to recreate
>the Moon Kingdom, we need that tool!"

RINI: (flatly) Wow. Clones.
HOTARU: (deadpan) This rules. It's a great plan.
JACK: (Mercury computer) Backup exists. Use template to recreate file?

>"And how are you going to get that tool?" Luna asked.

JACK: Look in the toolbox. Duh.

>"We have Sailor Venus," Artemis said. "We can use her
>template to restore the Sailor Senshi to their proper
>state."

RINI: Of denial.
HOTARU: Of ignorance.
JACK: Of kawaiiness.

>"And if they don't agree?" Luna asked.

JACK: Tough $h|+. We were here first.
MAGIC VOICE: Watch the language!
JACK: Ah, bite me.
MAGIC VOICE: Ungrateful little...

>"We won't tell them. Besides, I know a few tricks with that
>Mercury Computer; it can affect neural patterns with the right
>reconfiguration. We can use it to edit their memories. They'll
>think it's their own idea."

RINI: (Mercury computer) File edited. Save?

>

HOTARU: Therefore I am not.

>The powerful mind of Ami Mizuro settled over Artemis'
>consciousness. He sat immobilized.

RINI: Still knee-deep in his crap.

>I don't like your plans, and I'm not terribly keen on your
>goals.>

ALL: (As soccer announcer on Spanish TV) GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!!

>"But it's for a greater good!" he whined.

RINI: (Spock) The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

>perfect, but cold and heartless, with brainwashed drones
>living comfortable lives like mice in a cage. World peace,
>in return for stagnation and a lack of freedom of even basic
>thought.>

JACK: So Big Brother won after all! I wonder what the ACLU would have said, those liberals...

>"But Evil would be banished!"

RINI: (Artemis) To a hall closet somewhere deep in the Crystal Palace!

>happened to it? The Evil returned, a thousand times
>stronger, and they were utterly defenseless against it.
>Good against Evil is a conflict that can only be fought in
>the heart.>
>"You can't allow the Dark Kingdom to triumph!"

HOTARU: We already have, babycakes. We're on this fricking satellite.

>to resurrect the Moon Kingdom succeed.>
>Artemis felt something strange, like tiny pinpricks in his
>mind. "What's happening?!?"

RINI: (Artemis) Oh, man, why'd I eat the Mexican Science Diet today?

>few corrections.>

JACK: (Mercury computer) Spellcheck complete. Save file?

>

HOTARU: (deadpan) Suuuure it is...

>* * * * * * * * * *

JACK: Roger Ebert's insane, giving this fic ten stars.

>Artemis and Luna trotted out of the other room and went to
>their respective humans, Minako and Usagi.

RINI: Back and forth, back and forth, make up your mind!

>"Say, Artemis," Minako said. "I was wondering - how come the
>rest of the girls didn't get fuku's and magic phrases like I
>did?"

JACK: (Artemis) They were lucky. Now shut up and let me alter your memory.

>"The Powers shape themselves to your desires and personas,"
>Artemis explained. "What did you want to be before becoming
>Sailor V?"

HOTARU: (Minako) A Spice Girl!
JACK AND RINI: *Run around screaming in horror*
HOTARU: SIT DOWN! IT WASN'T THE FIC!

>"I wanted to be an idol!" Minako said dreamily. "With a fan
>club and movie deals and maybe even my own manga and TV
>show!"

RINI: Yes, we'll take Idol Package 131-D with the TV Show option.

>"And now you're practically a stereotype of a magical girl,"
>Artemis said wisely.

HOTARU: Aren't we all?
JACK: I'm not.
RINI: No bets.
JACK: I've got the equipment to prove it.
RINI: No comment.

>"And magical girls have fan clubs and movies and manga and
>TV shows!" Makoto said helpfully.

JACK: (Makoto) But we're magical girls, and we don't have any of those!

>Sailor V nodded understandingly. "Oh, I get it!"

HOTARU: (Delivery guy) Then sign here, please.

>Luna hoped no one saw her shudder. Artemis wasn't even aware
>of what Ami did to him!

JACK: Please, God, not another "Artemis' Lover" story...

>Ami smiled briefly. Everything seemed to be going well;
>there was no need to let the rest know about what she had
>discovered about the source of their powers, or the goals of
>the moon-cats.

ALL: (Spanish TV Soccer Guy) GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAL!!!!!!!

RINI: Okay, we did this one before.

>After all, what they don't know won't hurt them.

RINI: I'm standing here, and I don't know what's above me.
HOTARU: There's a safe falling on her, and she doesn't know it.
JACK: *Makes splatting sounds*
RINI: I told you there's always ONE exception.

>--------------C95CF6D4027003FB82B175C6--

H OTARU: That's it. I'm calling an electrician for this fic.
JACK: Don't bother. It's over.
(All exit the theater)

(Reverse door sequence)

(Bridge)

(Rini and Jack sit on a couch and are engaged in animated conversation.
Hotaru is sitting in a nearby recliner and is listening while sipping a blend of
cinnamon and apple teas.)
RINI: Aw, come on. Can't you give me even a little hint about what the surprise is?
JACK: *grins* Nope. Just have a dress ready.
RINI: But I _hate_ dresses!
JACK: Well, there is the computer's autofitter... it'd design a nice dress for
you... have you got one, Hotaru?
HOTARU: *chokes on tea* M - me? Yes, yes, I do... somewhere in that closet of mine...
COMPUTER: Commander Jack.
JACK: Yes, computer?
COMPUTER: I have an incoming transmission from the Holodeck.
JACK: Put it through. *sighs* Girls, can you plug your ears a minute?
(Rini and Hotaru cover their ears. The computer states the message from Setsuna and Amy.)
JACK: Well! I didn't expect it to be done so soon. Think they should know?
SETSUNA'S VOICE: Not yet. Next Friday night, that's when we'll tell them.
AMY'S VOICE: Wait until Zero Night.
JACK: But then they'll have no time to prepare!
SETSUNA'S VOICE: We'll give them two hours. They can unplug their ears now.
We're done. *Rini and Hotaru unplug their ears* So, girls, how was your day?
RINI: Not too bad, Puu. Beryl sent us a doozy of a fic, though.
SETSUNA'S VOICE: And how bad was it, Small Lady?
HOTARU: Remember "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"?
SETSUNA'S VOICE: Yes.
HOTARU: This was darker.
AMY'S VOICE: Nani... that bad?
RINI: That bad. We'll get Beryl for this... *Button flashes* Well, here's my
chance. The Power Rangers are calling. *Pushes button*

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Well, Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, how was the fic?

(SOS)
JACK: You sure find some doozies. Let me guess. The FTP server for the
University of California.

(NegaCave)
BERYL: WHAT? How'd _you_know?

(SOS)
JACK: Back in my time, I used to poke around on it and riff some fics I found
there.
HOTARU: (Catching on) And some of them were the ones that Beryl's sent!
JACK: Righty-ho!

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Aaargh! Well, the next fic won't be as easy! Push the button, Malachite!
MALACHITE: Yes, ma'am!

(SOS)
JACK: Well, crap. What could be worse?

(NegaCave)
BERYL: Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! Two more people will be joining you for
their sins against me!

(SOS)
JACK: Great. I spoke too soon.

(FWOOSH)

\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
------0------
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \

(Fade to black)

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Chalk one more up to my repertoire of MSTed fics. Well, I'm in Dallas right
now, and this fic is late on the release date. I'm going to have to work
extra-hard to get my next done by Monday.

I can't believe it! No one sells PCMCIA Type II or III RAM cards! I need one
for my palmtop so I can continue MSTing and keep all of my old ones with me.
Anyone knows where I can find one over eight megabytes for sale, just mail me.
The Senshi and bishounen are no longer going to be solo on the satellite!
Who's going to join them? Alan and Ann? Helios and Masanori? Seiya and Yaten?
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank? Or maybe Steve Urkel and Laura Winslow? Find out
next time!

Tuxedo Jack
TuxedoJack@juno.com

Mystery Sailor Moon Theatrer 3000

Season One
Episode 101 - Seinfeld Meets Sailor Moon (Released 7/17/00)
Episode 102 - PokeSailors (Released 7/20/00)
Episode 103 - Sailor Moon: Redux (Released: 7/22/00)
Episode 104 - Whimsical Sailor Street (Estimated Release Date: 7/25/00)
Episode 105 - Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Parts 1 through 3 (ERD: 8/2/00)
Episode 106 - Bishoujo Senshi Royal Rumble (ERD: 8/4/00)
Episode 107 - AcAnime Fanfic Awards 2000 Act One (ERD: 8/9/00)
Episode 108 - Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Parts 4 and 5 (ERD: 8/13/00)