Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Behind the Scenes ❯ Tearing Hearts ( Chapter 1 )

"I don't know...he's just not my type, you know." She smirked at the blonde, then looked at the computer before looking back at him. Yamato just shrugged in response.

"Maybe...but..." He paused before continuing dreamily, "Koushirou's not so bad, either..."

"True, true, gotta agree with you there." She smiled at him, barely holding back a giggle. "He looks so cute when he's studying." "And when he's helping people with their homework...or explaining something complicated in a way that no one can understand...or hacking into something...or..." Yamato trailed off, blushing slightly as he realized just how much he was rambling on.

"So, how long have you been drooling over him?"

"Since I met him." Simply put, done without thought.

"Er.."

He blinked, looking at her with an innocent confusion. "What?"

"That's been...three years?" she questioned slowly, looking at him carefully, trying to make sure that she'd heard him correctly in the first place. That was confirmed by the soft blush that lit his cheeks and the nod that he gave in response. "And you haven't told him?!"

"I...I can't!" he protested, blue eyes going wide. "He's not like that...and...and even if he wasn't, he'd never like me..." He trailed off, trying to think of what he could say. "I'm just..."

"Tall, blonde, and beautiful?" the lavender-haired girl supplied.

The blonde shook his head as soon as she said those words, answering softly, "I'm not beautiful..."

"You are." She rolled her eyes as he shook his head and looked away.

"He'd never think so."

"Ever try to find out?" Honestly, she had never known that Ishida Yamato, teenage rock god, was so self-conscious about these matters.

His eyes widened in fear at that prospect, and he shook his head wildly. "I couldn't!"

Her exasperation at his protesting was so thick that it was nearly visible. "And why not?"

"I..." He sighed, cutting off, having no idea what he really meant to say. His lips twitched ever-so-slightly as he thought. "Let's just say I didn't get courage for a damned good reason, all right?"

"But how much of a friend are you being by not telling him?" Her retort was so quick, so effortless, and so blunt, it could only be described as being a Miyako-ism. He bit his lip, not really used to this, and not sure what to say.

"I...I...I..." He choked up, and the fact that the girl was tapping her foot at him wasn't helping; in fact, all that it served to do was make him even more scared to answer, and he looked away.

"Well?"

The blond sank down, drawing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. "I can't," he whispered simply, as though that were all the explanation he needed...and, to him, that was the only explanation he needed.

"Why not?" That caught him. Miyako stared at him, hazel eyes letting him know that he was not going to get away with such a simple answer. He bit his lip, too afraid to answer, subconsciously knowing that his reasoning would sound too stupid, especially to her. That, of course, only made the situation worse, and she snapped at him, "Answer me now, Ishida Yamato! Or I'll give Motomiya Jun your home phone number!"

That made Yamato's eyes go wide, and he curled up a little tighter. "H-He'd just..."

"He'd just what?" She sounded...curious, if maybe a bit annoyed.

He blinked back a few tears, trying to collect himself, before finally whispering, "He'd just break my heart..."

"How do you know?" She was getting fed up with this...spinelessness that he was displaying, quite honestly. This was the guy who had told Daisuke off when first forced to work with him? It just wasn't possible. She barely held onto a sound of disgust as she saw his lip tremble.

"He'd never want me...I know he wouldn't. I'm not good enough for someone like him."

Hazel eyes rolled again as he said that. "He's just a guy, Yamato."

Yamato's eyes widened at that, and he shook his head wildly* "He's not just a guy, Miyako...he's...he's..."

"What?"

Yamato blushed, his voice soft as he started going over just why he was so hopelessly in love with Koushirou. "He's perfect...smart...well-mannered..." He cut off, shaking his head. "I...I'd never be good enough to be with someone like him..."

"You are."

He shook his head, protesting, "I'm not!"

Of course, for all of his protests, she remained firm, bullheaded, almost, in her insistence otherwise. "You are."

"No!" He turned his face away, whispering softly, "What could I possibly have that he would want?"

Again, her eyes rolled, and she held out a hand, ticking off qualities on her fingers briefly. "Let's see...musical talent, hot looks, a great ass..." He stared at her with wide eyes, shaking his head, all while she just nodded at him. He shook his head once again.

"Miyako, he wouldn't want any of that."

"You know this how?" She asked slyly, a smirk on her lips. "Ever asked him?"

He looked away, looking a bit miserable. "Didn't we already go through this?"

That didn't deter her in the least, however, and she put her foot down there. "Ask. Him."

"I told you, I can't!"

"You can." He shook his head furiously, and she glared at him before saying warningly, "Yamato."

The blonde whimpered, curling up a little more, before saying softly, "I've tried...I've tried so many times, and I just can't do it..." If Miyako didn't know any better, she would have said that he sounded like he was crying.

Not like that changed anything. "Then I'll do it for you."

He shook his head violently, begging her, "You can't...please don't, Miyako...please don't..."

"Why not?"

"No one knows...and I...I can't let them...I can't let him know...I..." His voice was soft, almost inaudible.

"Why?"

He shuddered softly with a sob before whispering, "They'd never trust me again...I...I've kept it from them for three years...they'd never believe another word that I say, and...and he'd never be able to look at me again..." Another sob overtook him, wracking through his body.

The girl stood there for a moment, just staring at him, before slapping him across the face. Yamato's hand went to his cheek as he turned his face away, shoulders shaking as he sniffled. "Grow a damned spine! They're your friends, they won't suddenly hate you because you kept a secret!!" Normally she wouldn't get quite so worked up over something as...irrevocably stupid as this, but the way that he was acting, like his world would end if someone were to find out who he had a crush on...it was beyond ridiculous. He didn't answer, however, choosing to just curl in around himself protectively, and when she spoke, her words were scathing. "How in the world did someone as pathetic and whiny as you get anything done in the digital world? I'm surprised you didn't bawl your eyes out over a pricked finger!"

He looked at her for a moment, eyes showing how hurt he was by that before going blank. He looked at the door, standing stoically, before responding, "I shouldn't have come here..." He shook his head slightly before going for the door quickly, almost at a run.

Miyako ran after him, right on his heels. "What's the matter, can't stand to hear the truth? You're a pathetic, whiny baby!" He didn't respond, instead rounding a corner, not realizing that there were stairs there, and falling right down them. The girl followed him, running up to him where he lay motionless on the ground, eyes closed. "Oh, great." She rolled her eyes, sighing in annoyance before moving to call for an ambulance, then settling on waiting for it afterwards, noticing the blonde's eyes twitch as he groaned, one hand reaching out for something - anything - to hold on to. "Sit," she commanded, not much in the mood to deal with him anymore. "Stay." Idly, her mind made a comment about how it sounded like Yamato was a dog. Consciously, she didn't much care if that was how it sounded.

He looked at her, eyes wide, before whispering very softly, "M-Miyako...you can't...can't...I...I'm scared of..."

She snapped...that was all that it could be described as. "What aren't you scared of?! Dung beetles?!"

The blonde winced, turning his head away as sapphire eyes closed. "I'm scared of hospitals...I...I..." He cut off, visibly holding his jaw shut. The girl growled at him in exasperation, and he spoke with a trace of distance in his voice, as though he were remembering something from ages ago, "They almost killed me once..."

"You could have a concussion and REALLY die if you don't."

His lips twitched a bit. "Taichi's hit me and gotten my head to hurt more than this."

She rolled her eyes before commanding once again, "Sit."

He wrapped his arms around her waist, terrified, looking up at her with frightened blue eyes. "You can't let them take me there..."

"I'll go with you if you have to go, Yamato"

He shook his head for the umpteenth time, wincing in the process as it made his head swim. "I can't go there...I can't..." Miyako sighed in annoyance, and he shivered, looking up at her with wide, pathetic eyes.

"You need help," she said simply.

He looked away from her again. "You can't let them take me there..." She growled, getting pissed off at the entire situation, and his eyes closed, a few tears slipping from them and down his cheeks.

"Maybe while they're there they can find out what happened to your backbone," she offered nonchalantly, and he shuddered violently, looking up at her in horror before quickly turning away. "What?" He shook his head slightly, and she sighed once more.

When he answered, his voice was a mere whisper, so soft that it was nearly inaudible. "N-no one knows...no one is supposed to know..."

"What??"

"You can't know...you can't...I...I can't...can't tell...i-it's..." She sighed, and he continued. "I don't want anyone's pity, and if anyone knew...that's all I would have..."

"Yeah. SO, when did you develop this ability to read minds and see the future?" she asked, sarcasm dripping from her words.

"I already know that's what would happen..." he said sadly. "It has happened once...and I don't want it to happen again." He whispered, voice soft again, "I just want to be normal...and I never get the chance for that...never..."

She sighed again. "Yeah. Whatever. Where's the real Ishida Yamato? The guy who had a real heart and a real spine and who didn't cower and bleat like a sheep?"

He laughed softly, mind going over the irony. "He's a myth. Ishida Yama is and always has been just a broken little boy who could never do much of anything that he wanted to."

"Bullshit," she spat out, glaring at him. "Broken little boys don't get the crest of friendship and save two worlds!"

"How else would you explain someone who was born with problems in his spine and lungs?" he asked simply.

"That has nothing to do with what you are!" she cried out, not quite hearing what he said at first, but it quickly sank in as he looked up at her sadly.

"Do you know how many times I've wanted to give up?"

She sighed once more. "Forget it. I thought I was talking to a chosen child." She rolled her eyes in his direction. "I think I still have to go find one. After all, you don't care that the others need you. All you care about is your own pathetic whining."

"And I suppose I mistook you for someone that I could trust." He looked at her before continuing, "If anyone finds out...I will know who it was."

Another sigh escaped her. "Whatever. If you see someone worthy of the crest of friendship, let him know we need him." He made an indistinguishable noise, and she continued. "Someone who has the balls to think of other people more than himself."

The cryptic smile that he gave her would have sent chills through her if she still cared as much as she had at first. "Who ever said that I think of myself?"

"I'll just go tell the emergency people it was a mistaken alarm."

He shrugged, responding nonchalantly as he grabbed the railing shakily and pulled himself up, "Do whatever you wish..."

She continued as though he had never even spoken. "Since obviously helping others is something forbidden."

He smirked, looking at her, "I never said it was forbidden...just as long as the 'other' isn't me."

"Of course," she responded, disdain in her words, but he didn't catch it, instead focusing his attention on the door to the outside distantly. "So when they find you dead in the gutter, 'He didn't want help.'"

He gave her that cryptic smile again. "Now you're getting it."

That made her lose all reason, and she turned on him, slamming him into a wall. "You want to die that badly, I'll kill you right here and now, and we can hand the entire digital world over to Ken, will that make you fucking happy?"

He brushed her hands away, starting to walk to the doors, softly throwing his words over his shoulder. "I don't want my blood on your hands, Miyako." She slammed him back up against the wall before he could get too far, and he stared at her sadly. "What does it matter? What does it matter if I die today, or tomorrow, or next week?" He snorted softly. "What's another try at it, Miyako? What's another try to go right along with the other hundred?"

She sighed again. "Fine. I had this crazy notion you'd want to come and help them."

He didn't answer her, but, instead, remained silent for a few minutes before whispering, "Maybe I'll get it right his time, Miyako. Maybe it will be different and I'll actually get it right, and then none of you will have to worry about poor, stupid, whiney, spineless, messed up Yamato ever again."

"I give up." A sigh escaped her again. "I just give up. They need you and nothing I say gets through to you. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of it all." She pulled out her D-3 and her D-terminal, dropping them to the floor. "I quit."

He looked at her and shook his head. "They need you, Miyako. If you hadn't noticed...I'm old news." He went for the doors again, pausing as he got there. "You wanted to know why I feel that Koushirou would just break my heart if I told him that I like him?" He paused again, eyes distant. "Well...that's the sort of impression that on gets when someone tells you that you and everything that you feel are worthless..." His eyes remained distant as she kicked the D-3 away from herself. "He said that to me after I confided in him...I told him one of my most important secrets...and he treated it and me like trash." He turned to look at her, tears in his eyes. "Miyako...if someone wasn't going to break your heart, would they honestly do something like that?"

She looked at him with anger in her eyes before bluntly answering him, "I don't know you."

He took a step back, turning away. "It's stupid for me to still love him...but I..."

"Fuck you." She glared. "Fuck them all. Why should I be anyone's friend when the chosen child of friendship is such a bastard?" Without another thought, she walked out of the school.

He trailed after her, not realizing what he was doing. "I was a mistake, wasn't I? They chose wrong for me...that's what I kept saying three years ago, you know...how could I, the person who knows nothing about friendship because the whole world has shunned him his entire life, be given the crest for the one thing he knows least about? Miyako...I..." He didn't get to finish, however, as she slammed the door in his face. He slid to the ground, whispering softly, brokenly, "I do need help..."

He watched as she headed for home, sick and disillusioned of the whole thing...what Yamato had been saying, being a chosen child...all of it. As he began to trail back to the school, she got home and began to pack a bag, ready to get away from everything, leaving a note before running off.

The blonde slowly made his way back to the computer lab, sinking into a chair, a tear sliding down his cheek. "I'm sorry...I never meant to." He shivered slightly. "Miyako..."

It was about then that Koushirou walked back in from...wherever he had gone off to. For the life of him, Yamato could no longer remember where that was. The red head looked around the room, spotting the older boy, and he spoke with slight disgust evident in his voice. "Oh. What are you doing here?" The blonde jumped slightly, looking at him with broken eyes before quickly turning away. The redhead sat down before asking, "Have you seen Miyako?"

"I...I..." He looked away, guilt in his eyes.

"Huh?"

Blue eyes refused to meet the black pools that he loved so dearly, so hopelessly. "I got her pissed earlier..."

"What?"

The blonde looked down. "I didn't mean to...I just..."

Koushirou rolled his eyes, obviously not believing a word that Yamato said. "Sure."

The blonde whispered sadly, "I know it's my fault." Koushirou ignored him, grabbing his own D-terminal to email the lavender-haired girl, only to be stopped by Yamato's words. "Sh-she won't get it...she...she threw hers in the hall earlier..." Koushirou frowned, and Yamato hugged his knees to his chest. "This is all my fault..."

The redhead rolled his eyes at the blonde again before stating coldly, "So go fix it."

"I don't know how. The...the only thing I can think of is the exact same thing that she was trying to stop me from doing."

"What?" He sounded...merely curious, not very worried or interested at all. Yamato shook his head, and Koushirou tapped a foot.

The blonde shuddered, hugging his knees even closer as he thought of how to reply. "It wouldn't help our situation out any if you knew, anyway." Koushirou growled, and Yamato jumped, whimpering softly.

"Spineless tramp." He muttered it so softly that Yamato wasn't even sure that Koushirou had said anything at all for a few moments.

When the words finally sank in, he barely managed to keep from letting the hurt show, making himself as small as possible. Yet, he couldn't keep himself from saying anything. "And what exactly would it help right now for you to know that she was trying to stop me from thinking about killing myself and to stop being a coward? Want to tell me that? What the hell would it help for you to know that?" Koushirou snorted in response, and Yamato continued on. "Like I said, it helps nothing for you to know that. Am I right?"

"You can't help the hopeless," the redhead responded simply.

Yamato stood at that, heading for the door, pausing upon getting there. "Koushirou-san...thank you for making it abundantly clear that you have never, would never, and could never give a shit about me." That said, he left, trying to think of just where he would be able to find Miyako, all while trying to ignore the feeling of his heart breaking. He left the building, absently rubbing his chest as he walked out into the rain, not even noticing it as it poured down on him. He also never noticed that he was crying, nor did he notice how far he'd traveled. One hand continuously rubbed over his chest. His eyes wandered, looking around, and he briefly noticed a familiar girl with lavender hair some meters away from him. He called out softly, "Miyako?" She looked over, saw him, and turned and ran away from him. He ran after her, coughing as he did so, calling out again, "Miyako, wait! Please wait!"

"Go away!" He managed to catch up to her, wrapping his arms around her frame.

"I'm sorry."

"No!"

Yet he refused to let her go. It was almost as though he was clinging to her because his entire life depends on holding onto her. "Miyako, I'm sorry for being such a stupid, spineless jerk."

"No you're not," she answered coldly.

"I am..." He insisted. "And...and I know I won't change overnight...but I need help...I need help almost as much as our friends need our help now. I'm so sorry, Miyako. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I swear." She looked at him, quivering slightly., and he looked back, eyes filled with infinite sadness. He tried to smile, but failed miserably. "Please, Miyako, I can't do this without your help...everyone else needs us. W-we can't let them down..."

"A-all right," she said slowly, and he tried to smile again, once more failing miserably. He clung to her still, tears falling unnoticed down his cheeks. "L-let's get out of the rain."

Yamato looked at her in confusion. "Rain?"

"Yeah, the wet stuff."

He looked completely sad, completely confused, and even rather dazed as he stared at her. "But...it-it's not raining..."

"It is," she said simply.

He blinked, more tears falling from his eyes without him knowing about them. "I-is it? I don't feel rain, though..."

While he didn't notice the tears, however, Miyako had. "You're crying."

"I...I am?" He sounded even more confused, and she nodded. "But I don't..." He stopped, cutting off as he rubbed a hand over his heart again, eyes closing as he did so.

"Yamato?"

He broke down then, collapsing a bit. "He doesn't care, Miyako...he doesn't care about me at all...he...he never did and he never will..." She frowned, just holding him, and he cried for a bit in her arms, before going completely silent. They remained like that before he finally spoke. "It...it was stupid of me to try to find out if he cared...I knew that he wouldn't...I knew it was stupid, and I still did it. I don't know why I expected things to turn out any differently than they did." He paused. "I...never again. I'll never love again..." The words, his voice, the way he looked...the only word that could describe it all was dead...utterly and completely dead.

"Never say never," she responded seriously, looking at him with worry.

He shook his head, voice still rather dead. "I mean it...never again." She shushed him, and he shivered, clinging to her before saying softly, "We should go." She nodded in response, and the two walked back to the school in complete silence. When they got inside, they walked through the hall, Yamato bending down as they got to where her D-3 and D-terminal still lay on the ground, picking them up and handing them to her. "You'll need these..." She nodded at him, and they continued to the computer room, Yamato still holding a hand over his heart while Miyako held his free hand. He looked at her in surprise. "Th-thank you..."

She smiled at him, getting an extremely weak smile back from him, and went inside, Yamato following and trembling. She walked over to the computer, pushing Koushirou away, saying angrily to him, "Let the real chosen children work...not cold-hearted sons of bitches." The redhead stared at her in shock, as did Yamato, but neither had time to say a word as she pulled out her D-3 and looked at the blonde. "Ready to go, Yamato?" He nodded mutely, and she smiled, holding her D-3 out to the computer. "Digital gate open!" The two went through, and when they got there, Yamato looked around, worriedly asking, "Where are they?"

The lavender-haired girl looked at her D-3 before pointing towards the tracks. "Looks like it's this way." Yamato followed her to what he could only presume was a mine car, and the two got in, Miyako steering them along while Yamato remained wrapped up in his saddening thoughts, putting on a semblance of normalcy as Miyako finally tracked down their friends and called out to them.