Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Deep As You Go ❯ Dark Time ( Chapter 4 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: Guess who owns everyone? I dunno, but it's not me.

Author's Notes: Lookie, another chapter. I warn you, it's a bit more angsty than the previous ones. It'll also be the last for at least a month. I'm going home for Christmas break while my computer gets the hard drive flushed (for the second time in four months -_-;;) and I have to use my parents extremely slow one. So I probably won't even get to start the next chapter till I get back. Still, I'll try to update as soon as possible.

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Ken sat on the edge of his bed, a lit cigarette in his hand. His eyes were half- closed and focused solely on the burning end of the cigarette so that he wouldn't have to look at the apparition pacing in front of him.

"The way I see it, you're a damn coward," the Kaiser explained. "Running away from that insect Motomiya. He can't do anything to us."

Ken didn't reply.

"He left you, after all," the Kaiser added. "Didn't even see fit to tell you more than a few months in advance. Who knows, maybe he was thinking about it all year, about how much he wanted to leave you behind--"

"No!" Ken snapped, then, ashamed of his weakness, lowered his head. "He--he couldn't."

"He wanted to leave you," the Kaiser hissed, leaning down so that his cold breath touched Ken's cheek. "Why deny it? You know he wanted to get away from you. You're so....clingy. So helpless without him. It's pathetic. When he told you he was going, you waited until he left the room and then sobbed into your pillow like a damn girl. Like a little girl who had her dolly taken away. It was disgusting. And then, the day he left, you locked yourself in your room and sobbed like the weakling you are. What happened to the Ichijouji Ken that no one could touch? The marble genius? Reduced to sad sack of weeping flesh. It makes me want to puke!"

Ken kept his head bowed. Enraged, the Kaiser slapped him. Ken's head jerked to the side, then returned to its submissive position, as if he hadn't the will to resist the blow. Ken took another puff on the cigarette.

"You make me sick. Always crying like a five year-old. Why don't you have any will of your own, Ichijouji?" the Kaiser growled. "He's only one boy. So why do you let him have power over you? You don't need him. You have me. I'm the one who protected you when he left you broken by the wayside, adrift alone in a relentless sea of existence. And did he even care? Did he ever apologize? No. He just expected you to take it and be happy. And you, my dear bedraggled kitten, slammed your door and cried. Without me, you would've let the hole he left consume you. I dragged you out. I gave you power. I am the only one who gives a damn what happens to you, do you understand?"

"I--" Ken stopped and brought the cigarette up to his lips one more time. "I'm not letting him get to me."

"But you are. You wanted to talk to him today, didn't you?" The Kaiser took Ken's silence as an affirmative. "You see? Have you forgotten those days and nights of loneliness? Have you forgotten the way you had to hold back tears every moment to keep the others from ridiculing you? You may have, but I haven't. I rescued you from all that, and now you're falling right back into his web like a good little fly should."

"It's not like that!" Ken argued, getting to his feet. "I don't plan on letting him anywhere near me."

"That's a good boy." The Kaiser pressed himself up against Ken, his lips inches from the other boy's. "Now, tell me you love me."

"I--I--" Ken stuttered weakly. The Kaiser ran a gloved hand along on his cheek.

"Go on, pet. Say it."

"I....I love you," Ken said quietly.

"That's a good dear." The Kaiser kissed him, dry lips devoid of any warmth. "And what do you think of Motomiya?"

"I--" Ken stopped and shook his head. "No."

"Tell me," the Kaiser ordered, his voice cold.

"I....I h-h--"

"You what?" The Kaiser's voice was vaguely threatening, and the hand that had been running along Ken's forearm suddenly stopped its soft caress and grasped the skin roughly.

"I hate him," Ken whispered brokenly. "I hate him!"

"Yes," the Kaiser purred, pulling him close. "Exactly. That's it exactly."

Ken closed his eyes and was about to surrender himself to the Kaiser's touch when someone knocked on the door. In less than a second the semi-transparent form of the Kaiser disappeared and Ken stumbled, nearly falling. The person at the door knocked again.

"C-coming!" Ken shouted, trying to get himself back in order. He ran a hand through his hair and smoothed out his coat, then repositioned his mask and strode towards the door, unlocking it and opening it a crack. "What do you--"

He stopped, mouth suddenly dry. Daisuke was standing in the hall, staring up belligerently at him. Ken hurriedly tried to close the door, but it was too late. Daisuke stuck his foot in the crack and started to force the door open. He was stronger than Ken, who helplessly sunk into a chair as Daisuke strode into the room and closed the door.

"Geez, Ken, what was that for?" Daisuke asked. "I just want to talk to you, you don't need to slam the door in my face."

"Maybe I don't want to talk to you," Ken said coldly. Daisuke flinched, those words had stung. The Kaiser suddenly appeared, lying seductively on Ken's desk and applauding Ken's response.

"That's exactly the way, love," he encouraged. "Tell the nasty boy what you think of him and then you and I will have playtime."

"Ken--" Daisuke struggled with his inner feelings and sighed. "All right. What'd I do? Tell me, and I'll apologize and fix it and stuff. I just want us to be friends again, okay?"

"I think it's far too late for that," Ken said stiffly. "You can leave now."

"At least tell me what I did wrong!" Daisuke said. "C'mon, Ken, please? I wanna fix things. I wanna help you."

"Help me?" Ken wrinkled his nose and got to his feet, turning away for a moment before whirling to face Daisuke again with burning eyes. "Is that it, then? You want to.... help me? Everyone wants to help me!" He violently crushed his cigarette into the nearby ashtray. "I'm sick of it, do you understand? I'm sick of all of you and your stupid, whining, pathetic help! Have you ever thought that maybe I don't need help? That maybe--that maybe I'm happy with things being the way they are!"

There was a long period of silence after this declaration, broken only by Ken's heavy breathing. The Kaiser slithered off the desk and wrapped his arms around Ken's waist, kissing his neck softly. Ken shivered slightly at the touch.

Daisuke, meanwhile, was watching Ken in confusion and worry. He could see Ken moving his neck slightly as if someone was touching him, but there was no one there. Ken's eyes were flickering to the empty space to his right, as if he saw something that Daisuke couldn't.

"You can't be happy like this, Ken," Daisuke said slowly. "You--oh, hell, I'll just say it--you're acting like when you were the Kaiser, and--and I'm afraid that maybe you're gonna end up hurting yourself if you keep this up. I don't want that to happen. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before I left."

"But it can't," Ken replied coldly, squirming a bit as the Kaiser's hands moved down his chest, lips kissing his cheek. "When you left, I found myself with a choice to make. I made it. I like it."

"I know you don't." Daisuke looked him in the face. "I know when you're lying, Ken. I always have. You can fool everyone else, you can fool yourself, but you can't fool me. Something happened while I was gone and you want me to fix it, but--but you won't let me. Why?"

"I told you. I like it this way." Ken choked for a moment as the Kaiser kissed him on the lips, then moved back to kissing his neck.

"Ken? Why do you keep moving like that?" Daisuke stared.

"Like what?" Ken snapped.

"You're acting really weird..." Daisuke shook his head. "Let's just talk, okay? I promise I won't try to, uh, help you or anything. We can just talk. That's okay, right?"

"Get out," Ken replied. "I don't want to talk. As far as I'm concerned, I hope I never see you again."

"My, my, aggressive today, aren't we?" the Kaiser murmured, blowing in Ken's ear. "I like it."

"But Ken--" Daisuke tried again.

"Shut up! I told you to leave." Ken glared at him. Daisuke stared despondently back, then turned to go.

"A-all right. But I'm not gonna give up on you Ken. That's just not something I can do." With that, Daisuke turned and left the room, closing the door behind him and wondering why his face suddenly felt so wet.

Ken stared at the closed door for a moment, barely breathing. He had started shaking again, and tears began to run down his cheeks.

"You damn weakling!" An unexpected backhand from the Kaiser sent Ken sprawling. Ken collapsed on the bed as the Kaiser began to rage at him. "Is this what all your strength amounts to? You play my role to his eyes and then slip back into your own and cry again in solitude? You deserve all that you get. Believe me, pet, you can't keep up a double role for very long. We will be one, or you will shrivel into nothing!" Ken raised his head slightly, trying and failing to fight his tears. The Kaiser sneered at him. "You are the most pathetic insect I've ever seen. Spend the rest of the night crying into your pillow, I don't care. I'm going to go get drunk and play some poker with Oikawa and Vamdemon." With that, the Kaiser disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

Ken struggled for an elusive breath as he rolled onto his side, battling with the illusions in his head. Wormmon appeared out of nowhere, nuzzling the pale, trembling hands.

"I told you he wasn't good for you, Ken-chan," the illusion whispered. "So why does he still hold you bound?"

"I don't know," Ken choked out. "I-I wanted to tell Daisuke everything, I really did--but I can't. He left me, he didn't even care about me and I was all alone again, cold and alone with-with only the Kaiser to turn to for help--"

"You have me," Wormmon reminded him. "You have all the other Chosen Children. How can you be alone?"

"Because--because he's the only one who ever made me feel like part of something. The only one I ever felt the connection with, the beating of a heart--He flew across the sea and our hearts couldn't beat in time anymore--" Ken closed his eyes, trying to calm himself.

"Things will get better soon," Wormmon promised. "Don't cry, Ken-chan."

Ken whimpered and reached for Wormmon; his hand passed through the illusion as if--

--As if it wasn't there at all.

Curling himself into a ball, Ken sobbed quietly and for once wished that he had something substantial to hold onto.

~~~

Takeru lay with his head against the pillow, his eyes half-closed. The bed was so comfy, and he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. He sighed and turned onto his back, closing his eyes and preparing to let sleep overtake him.....

SLAM!

Takeru half-jumped as Daisuke stalked in, looking ragged, his cheeks stained with half-dried tears.

"I....take it things didn't go well?" Takeru ventured. Daisuke sighed and collapsed into a chair, running his hands through his unruly hair.

"No...I think I just made things worse." Daisuke shook his head. "I'm so stupid! You and Iori told me not to, you warned me and I didn't listen and Ken....Ken...." He looked up at Takeru, eyes full of despair. "He said he never wanted to see me again. He kicked me out of his room.....I don't know if I can fix things this time."

"Don't despair, Daisuke," Takeru tried to reassure him. "Just give Ken some time to cool down. I'm sure he didn't mean whatever it was he said."

"Easy for you to say, Mr. Child of Hope." Daisuke leaned back in the chair. "I don't get it. I wasn't t gone that long. It was only a year. So how'd this happen? I thought he'd be fine without me."

"I think you underestimated how much he liked you, Daisuke," Takeru ventured. "I mean, you were the first to forgive him after the Kaiser fiasco, and you've pretty much stuck by him ever since. Last year was the first time he'd ever been away from you and....well, you know Ken. He's shy and he's nervous around people. When you left I guess he felt like he was all alone in the world and he got....scared."

"But it wasn't like I died or anything!" Daisuke argued. "I was just across an ocean, that's all. And we wrote letters and talked on the phone. It wasn't like I ran off because I couldn't stand being near him anymore or anything." Takeru shrugged.

"Well, maybe Ken thinks you did."

"He wouldn't be that dumb," Daisuke argued. "Ken's gotta know that I wouldn't try to get away from him. Just because I decided to leave for a while..."

"I don't know. Maybe Ken got upset because he thinks people are always leaving him?" Takeru suggested. "I think you should try talking to Wormmon. Ken's been ignoring him lately, but he was still the last one to really talk to Ken since he started acting strange."

"Maybe..." Daisuke sighed and leaned back, staring at the ceiling. It couldn't hurt, could it? Talking to Wormmon tomorrow after class certainly couldn't make things worse than I've already made them....

~~~

The room was in shambles. The drawers had been pulled out of the dresser, scattering clothes across the floor. The desk drawers, too, had been violently thrown across the room, littering the floor with notebooks and pencils. The ashtray lay overturned in the corner, ash staining the carpet. The garbage can was lying on its side, trash mingled with the everything else on the floor. A broken picture frame lay against one wall, a shattered mirror against the other. The sheets had been torn off the bed, leaving it bare.

Ken stood in the center of the wreckage, naked and shivering. His body was covered in still-bleeding cuts from where he had sliced himself on sharp drawer edges or other such things. His hands and arms in particular were simply streaked with red from when he had broken the mirror. Ken collapsed to his knees, cutting them up on the glass left on the floor, staining the already dirtied floor with red. He didn't care.

Ken barely remembered how he had come to this. He dimly recalled angrily throwing his pillow across the room, then everything blurred. Some deep-seated anger in him had burst itself free and manifested itself in the destruction of the normally immaculate room. Ken regarded his cut and bleeding fingers with detached amusement, then reached up to touch his face. There was a long, shallow cut along his cheek that had nearly stopped bleeding. Angrily he tore into it with his nails, causing the blood to flow freely down his cheek like tears.

"There, you see?" Ken whispered. "I won't cry. I won't cry, I won't cry, dammit, I won't cry! I'll cry blood, that's all. I'm not a weakling. I won't cry."

No one answered. Even his two imagined companions had abandoned him. Ken choked back a sob as he bitterly picked up the fallen picture.

"Osamu-chan...." Ken pressed the picture close to him, not caring when splintered bits of it cut into his bare chest. "This is all your fault. All my fault. I made you go away, and I made Daisuke go away...I even made Kaiser and Wormmon go away. Why do I make everyone leave me? Is--is there something wrong with me? There has to be. There has to be a reason why I always make everyone go away."

Nothing but silence answered him. The shattered room seemed suddenly very large and empty. Ken bit back a whimper as he dropped the picture. One hand searched backwards until he grasped one of the sharp remainders of the mirror.

"You're so stupid!" Ken berated himself, slicing into his upper arm as he spoke. "Stupid--stupid--stupid Ken!" With each harsh word he cut into himself again. "You made everyone go away. Stupid Ichijouji! Even Wormmon--even the Kaiser-- doesn't want to be near you! You're a stupid--clingy--worthless---idiot!" He cried out in wordless frustration and threw the shard against the wall.

"I--I made everyone leave," he whispered. "Everyone. I crowded Daisuke so he ran away to America to get away from me. I was jealous so I wished that Osamu would disappear and he died. I hated Wormmon for being my conscience so I let him die to stop Chimeramon. And I'm so weak and pathetic that the Kaiser couldn't stand to be near me. I've made everyone who ever cared about me go away. I'm--I'm by myself now." He stifled another sob, then whispered into the darkness, "I don't want to be alone. Please...I don't want to be left alone...."

He fell onto his side and curled himself up into a ball, willing himself not to cry.

I'm fine. I won't cry. I'm fine.

I won't cry. I will never cry.

Never again.

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And isn't that a splendid way to end the chapter? As for the next, I make no promises, but it will be up sometime.