Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Deep As You Go ❯ Paths of Desire ( Chapter 11 )

Disclaimer: Don't feel like doing one, so imagine your own witty and amusing disclaimer in this space and pretend I wrote it.

Author's Notes: Just another new chapter to keep people from doing me bodily harm. (And yes, fuschia, my ego is getting a boost from all the reviews. You are all at my mercy! Mwhahahahaha! *Ahem* Sorry, just a megalomaniacal moment there. Won't happen again.) Anyway, read and, of course, review! I like reviews. (And also, a note to Empress of the Eclipse : Bug in your room? What bug? I didn't plant any bugs *innocent whistling*)

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Ken wandered into the small cafe, seating himself in an empty booth in a darkened corner and grabbing a menu. The Kaiser was stretched out across from him, another menu dangling loosely from his gloved hands.

"See if they have black coffee," he said lightly.

"I don't like black coffee," Ken told him in a flat voice.

"If I say you like it, then you like it," the Kaiser said simply. "Remember, darling, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be able to pay for this meal. The least you can do is order what I like. Unless you'd rather I find my own meal..."

"I'll order your stupid coffee," Ken replied darkly, his eyes not moving from the menu. At the moment he didn't have the strength to argue with the Kaiser.

"That's a good boy," The Kaiser blew Ken a kiss and began flipping through the menu. "Now, what else should we get? Breakfast, perhaps? It's closer to lunchtime, but you haven't had a bite all day. Maybe we should just get a bit of everything."

"We need to save some money for a place to stay," Ken said. "I'll ask the waitress if there's a cheap motel or something nearby."

"A cheap motel?" The Kaiser looked put out. "I was hoping for something better, precious. You know how I love satin sheets."

"You'll have to deal with cheap," Ken replied, still not looking up from the menu. "We'd barely be able to pay for one night at an expensive place."

"So? I'll steal us more. Don't be such a cheapskate."

"No." Ken closed his eyes. "I'm tired. I just want to find someplace to stay for the next few nights, then we'll move on. You got us enough money to pay for at least a few nights somewhere."

"You're no fun," the Kaiser complained, tossing the menu on the ground. Ken bent to pick it up, only to realize a moment later that there was nothing on the floor.

That's right, Ken thought wearily. He doesn't exist, not really. And I don't either. We're just half in reality, each of us. The only difference is that I can touch this, he ran a finger along the edge of the menu, and he can't. He can't throw it on the floor because he's just a manifestation of what's inside me. He's not a real person. I'm talking to nothing. Ken couldn't suppress a bitter chuckle. I've gone insane at last, haven't I? I've finally gone completely insane. I know that the Kaiser isn't real, that there's really no one else in this booth....but I'm still talking to him. I still see him. He won't leave me alone because I don't have the strength to banish him.

"Can I take your order?" Ken was jolted out his thoughts by the waitress, who stood staring impatiently down at him.

"Could we--Could I have a few more minutes?" Ken asked politely. "For now all I want is black coffee."

"Sure." The waitress shrugged and walked off. Ken sighed and placed his arms on the table, resting his head on top of them.

"What else should we get?" he asked the Kaiser.

"Whatever you want, precious." The Kaiser reached across the table and patted Ken on the head, as if he were a dog. "You need something to keep your strength up. And if you're very good, maybe I'll let you have some of my coffee."

"You can't even drink it," Ken said, his voice muffled by his arms. "You don't exist. I'm sitting here alone, talking to myself."

"Are you?" The Kaiser arched an eyebrow. "Silly pet. What makes you think that I'm not really the one sitting here, and that you're the apparition?"

"I--I don't know." Ken felt uncertainty rise up within him. "Maybe we're both just shadows. Maybe all of this is just one mass hallucination and we're still in the Digital World trapped in our--in my-- mind."

"Your mind?" The Kaiser shook his head. "No, no. You and I share a mind, my dear. After all, I am you. With a word of consent, I could be sitting there, and you could be shivering in the corner. No one would notice. We're the same and separate at the same time. So your mind is mine as well. I am sitting here just as surely as you are."

"No you're not," Ken mumbled. "You can't be. You're just in my head, a figment of my imagination. I think I see you. I think I feel you. But in the end, it's all just me. It's all just me slowly damning myself."

"If that's true, then it's only because that's what you want," the Kaiser replied in unconcerned tones. "You're truly pathetic, you know that, dear? All this--myself, the worm, that tattered rag of a thing you call a life--it's all for you. I am here to ease your pain, to make you mine. I am here to make you something more. Yet you refuse me, because you're too pathetic to deal with the knowledge of what I would do if I were in charge. That's why we're here, in a ratty little cafe, running on and on to nowhere. Because you're too weak and pathetic to make up your own damn mind of what you want to be and who you want to be. So you're left being nothing, a pathetic worthless sack of bones and organs and a crumbling mind. You're a conquered castle, a burnt forest, a fallen statue. In short, you're nothing but broken ash and memories."

"And you," Ken said quietly.

"That's right, my love. In the end, when everything's washed away, I'm all that remains of you. Because I'm the only part of you that ever had any worth to begin with."

"Mmm." Ken nodded slightly. "I know."

"Good boy. You won't forget your place this time, will you? You won't forget that I own you, that your soul and you life, your breath, your skin, it all belongs to me. I'm the one thing that binds you to life right now, aren't I?"

"You're...." Ken trailed off. The Kaiser's eyes narrowed angrily as he discerned the reason for Ken's inability to reply.

"Do you still cling to his image as well?" the Kaiser demanded angrily. "Stop this foolish dreaming, pet. There's no way he will ever love you. I thought you figured that out already. You're not a thing worth loving. If it wasn't for me, you'd have no one. You're the most wretched creature that I've ever laid eyes on, how could your precious Daisuke ever feel anything for you but contempt and pity?" Ken closed his eyes, not replying. "Yes, you understand me, don't you? Stop trying to pretend that you don't hear. You know I speak the truth. He never cared for you. He never felt friendship for you, much less love. All you've ever had from him was his pity. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Stop talking," Ken said in a tired, broken whisper, no real force behind his words. "I don't believe you. Daisuke is--was my friend. I believe that. I have to."

"Why? Because the truth frightens you so much? Face it, my love. You're alone. You've always been alone. You were born with no one but me; you'll die the same way. We're tied together as one, but the others....no, they never cared for you. Anyone else, but not you. What could possibly care for you besides a shadow? You're pitiful. Disgusting. Even I, who love you, look upon you and sneer. Worthless, pathetic creature. Crying into your arms, your pillow, because there's nothing else you know how to do. No, Daisuke never cared a lick for you, my dear. That's why it was so easy for him to leave."

Ken didn't reply, and he never once opened his eyes through the entire tirade. He kept them shut tight and pretended that he couldn't hear. He didn't look up when the waitress returned and set the coffee down in front of him.

Ken shut his eyes as tight as he could and pretended to be dead.

~~~

Daisuke sat on the back steps of the library in the shade, staring at the letter crumpled up in his hands. His head was spinning.

He....he loves me? Daisuke shook his head. What the heck? I mean, I--I knew we were friends and all....and he did kiss me before, but....I never thought that he loved me. He never acted like he did....

Or did he? Am I really that dumb, that I didn't notice it? Memories came rushing towards him, memories of little things like a look or a touch that suddenly carried more meaning than they had before. Daisuke felt his head spin.

He loves me. Ken loves me. B-but there's no way. He couldn't love me. I mean, he said himself that he hates my guts. And he tried to burn the letter, except he didn't burn it in the end. Did he change his mind? Or was he just caught so he gave up? But he never threw it away, either. So....does he love me? Did he ever?

But that's not the right question, is it, a small voice in his mind whispered. The question is, do you love him?

"I--I don't know," Daisuke said quietly. "I never really thought about Ken like that before. He was just, you know, my best friend. I never really tried to think of him as anything more than that. And besides that, he's a guy. Guys aren't supposed to think of their friends like that."

But Ken did. Ken thought of me like that. No one's ever been in love with me before. I was always the one chasing after everyone else, but nobody ever really chased after me. Why would they? I'm just stupid old Daisuke. I'm--I'm not the kind of guy people usually fall in love with. I'm not charming, or romantic, or anything like that.

But Ken fell in love with me. And I blew it.

"Why didn't he say anything?" Daisuke murmured. "Is that why things went wrong like this? Because he was in love with me and I never noticed, and then I left? How long has he felt like this for me? Years? And I never even knew that he did, because he was hiding it. My best friend in the entire world falls in love with me and I don't even realize it?"

Daisuke sighed heavily and glanced back at the letter in his hands. Carefully he smoothed out the paper and cast his eyes over it again. He had only read the first sentence before running out the room, but there was more there. After a moment, he started to read.

Dear Daisuke,

The letter was signed in trembling script, as if Ken's hand had been shaking when he wrote it. The ink was also stained in places, as if a few tears had dropped on the letter as it was being written.

Daisuke felt his own tears well up inside. He felt as if his own heart had been torn out and ripped up like paper.

Ken...why didn't you say anything, dammit? Daisuke's fist closed around the letter, crumpling it further and ripping it slightly. Why didn't you tell me that you felt this way? This letter sounds so hopeless....it's almost like a suicide note. Why didn't you send it to me? If you had, I would've been on a plane within a day. I would've come back to you.

"You're wrong, Ken," Daisuke whispered. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. You--you can't help who you love, and you can't help who you are. I didn't leave because of you. I left because I'm the idiot who didn't even realize that his best friend was in love with him. It's all my fault. How could I be so stupid?" He brushed a hand across his eyes, wiping away the tears.

All my fault. This is all because of me. If I hadn't left, things would still be the way they were before. Or would they? Was he ever going to tell me? And can I really go on pretending that I don't know how he feels? Even if I found some way to get him back, things would never be the same between us, not now. I can't just pretend forever. Things can't be the same again because they aren't. Everything's changed. It's stupid to think that we can just go back to being happy best friends again. Not if I've always got the letter in my mind, not as long as I remember the way it felt when he kissed me...

Without even realizing it, Daisuke ran a hand across his lips, suddenly recalling Ken's first fevered kiss from several nights ago. He also recalled Ken's kiss from the night before, but that one had been...different.

That wasn't Ken yesterday, Daisuke told himself firmly. It didn't--it didn't really feel like him. And that kiss, too....there was something, I dunno, almost violent about it. It felt like he was just toying with me. But that one night when he was drunk....that was Ken. That time, he needed me. I could almost feel it. That was my Ken. That--that was the Ken that loves me.

But was that just because he was drunk? Is that Ken really gone forever?

"What should I do?" Daisuke wondered aloud. "I thought that if I just kept trying, that if I didn't give up, I'd reach him. But that didn't work. He left, and now I that I know the way he feels....should I just let him go? I can't. I don't know what I can do, but I know I can't give up. Not after I've come this far. There has to be some way to reach him, there just has to be! I have to find him and....and what? He hasn't listened to anything I've said so far. And then last night he nearly..." Daisuke shuddered at the memory. "So what's left? Do I go and find him and maybe make him hate me more, or do I just forget about him and lose him forever?"

Daisuke shook his head as if that would clear away the chaos in his mind.

I can't just let Ken go! But....do I even have a choice?

~~~

Ken stared blankly at the coffee in the middle of the table. There was also a small bowl of rice in front of him, but he hadn't the strength to eat any of it. He and the Kaiser were sharing the coffee. Ken reached out and took a sip, then grimaced at the taste.

"Too strong for you, darling? Too bad. Get used to it." The Kaiser leaned back in the booth, looking pleased with himself. Ken ignored him and picked listlessly at his rice. He suddenly wasn't very hungry.

"We still need to find a place to spend the night," he said slowly. "Unless you'd rather huddle under a box all night long."

"Don't be stupid," the Kaiser said irritably. "You've got the money. Find us someplace dry to sleep. Preferably with a view. I've always loved a view."

"I'll ask the waitress when we pay for the meal," Ken said. He ate a bit of rice without really tasting it, then stopped and stared at the bowl again. "When I did I start doing that?"

"Doing what, precious?"

"Using 'we.' I only noticed it the one time when that damn woman pointed it out." Ken shook his head. "I wasn't even thinking about it. Have I been using a lot lately? My head hurts and it's hard to remember."

"So what if you have?" The Kaiser shrugged and took a sip of the coffee. "We're one, aren't we? It makes sense that you should say 'we.' After all, you're not alone, my love, not as long as I'm here. So it only makes sense that you should refer to both of us when you speak, because we're both here."

"But you're not," Ken replied. "All the waitress sees is me. If I walked up to her and said, 'we would like to pay now,' she'd wonder who the other person is. I know that I didn't always refer to you when I talked. When did I start using 'we?' Was it before, when that damn woman noticed it? Was that my first slip? I think I've been using it since we left the college...." Ken shook his head. "And there, you see, I just used it again. Talking about how we left. I left, not us. There is no us. Just me."

"Of course there's an us." The Kaiser contrived to look hurt, then gave up and took another sip of coffee. "We've been over this. And whether or not I'm really here or you are, you still see me, still hear me. You can stop using 'we' when I'm not here anymore and you're alone." Glittering violet eyes regarded Ken like a snake eyes its prey. "Unless you'd like me to leave now? I could, if you'd like. I just need to finish my coffee."

"No," Ken replied quietly. "I don't want you to go. You can't go. I--I need someone, even if it's you...."

"Of course." The Kaiser smiled darkly and downed the last of the coffee. "You're too scared to let me go. If I went, you fear that I wouldn't come back. And then where would you be? You wouldn't be able to do anything without me here to hold your hand and push you forward."

"I would," Ken said, very softly. "I would be able to die without you here."

"Oh really, love? I doubt it. It's not that easy to kill yourself. That requires a certain delicate balance of courage and cowardice and you, I fear, have only cowardice to offer." The Kaiser shook his head. "Don't worry, darling. I won't let you die, not that way. If the body stops, then I stop too. But if I take over, then....then, you'll be dead, in a manner of speaking anyway. That will be enough, won't it? After all, by the time you willingly let me become you in body and soul, there won't be much left of you anyway."

Ken started to reply, then thought better of it and motioned to the waitress as she passed.

"I'd like the check now," he said in a low voice.

"Sure." The waitress shrugged and glanced at the coffee cup and bowl of rice. "Don't you want to finish?"

"I'm not very hungry," Ken replied.

"All right. Do you want the rest of the coffee or should I take that too?" the waitress questioned as she removed the bowl from the table.

"The cup's empty," Ken said, shrugging. The waitress looked at him curiously.

"No it isn't. It's still half full, see?" She tipped the cup slightly so that Ken could see that there was still coffee left. For a moment all Ken saw was an empty cup, then he shook his head slightly and saw that the waitress was right. He felt another headache coming on.

"You can take it too, I'm not going to drink anymore," he said. As the waitress moved to go, Ken put a hand on her arm. "One more thing. We--" He winced at the slip, then started again. "I was wondering if you know of any cheap motels or something of the sort around here. I'm looking for a place to stay for a few nights, but I don't have much money."

"Well....the cheapest place I can think of is the motel across town," the waitress said. "It's called the Hizukari Motel, after the late owners. I don't think you want to stay there, though. It's got a bad reputation."

"Why?" Ken asked curiously.

"It's a sleazy kinda place," the waitress said in tones of someone betraying a confidential secret. "All sorts of sleazy guys hang out there, drug dealers and the like. I heard somebody got shot there last week." She smiled a bit. "I don't think that's the kinda place you want to stay."

"On the contrary," Ken said softly as the waitress left to get his check. "That sounds like just the place for us."

~~~

"Daisuke!" The other Chosen Children surrounded Daisuke as he entered the room, Ken's letter still clutched tightly in his hand.

"Are you all right?" Hikari asked. "You left so suddenly."

"Y-yeah....yeah, I'm okay." Daisuke sunk down in the chair by the computer, his arms crossed over his stomach as if he wasn't feeling well. His eyes were downcast. "It's just....somethin' in the letter kinda shocked me. I'm feeling better now."

"Did the letter say anything about where Ken went?" Miyako questioned. "I mean, we need to find him, don't we?"

"Yeah..." Daisuke nodded solemnly. "We do. But he didn't leave any clues in the letter. It just said...some stuff. Nothing important."

"I know what it said," Wormmon spoke up unexpectedly.

"Y-you do?" Daisuke glanced at him and Wormmon nodded gravely. Daisuke recalled their conversation from when he had gone to talk to Wormmon in the Digital World, and the secret Wormmon had refused to tell.

So that was it, then? Wormmon knew all along that Ken loved me...and Ken made him promise not tell me. Was he afraid that I would find out?

"So what do we do?" Takeru wondered. "We can't trace Ken by his D-3, and we don't have any clues to where he might have gone."

"But there has to be a way," Daisuke said, unconsciously clenching his fist. "I need to find him so I can tell him everything's okay. I need to find him and fix things."

"Maybe the police will find him," Miyako suggested.

"I don't think so," Iori said. "Something tells me that Ken won't let himself be found so easily."

"But if even the police can't, I don't see how we can," Hikari murmured. "I don't think there's any way to track Ken if he's left his D-3 behind."

"You have it, don't you?" Daisuke suddenly asked. "Ken's black D-3. You said you took it out of his room."

"Yeah, it's right here." Takeru dug the D-3 out of his pocket and held it out.

"Let me see it." Daisuke picked up the D-3 and looked at it. "Maybe there's something on this thing that'll let me find Ken, like a button or something. It'll want to find its owner, right? Like a dog. There has to be something on here."

"If there was, don't you think we would have found it before now?" Miyako said irritably.

"We haven't had this problem before," Daisuke argued. He began pressing all the buttons at random. "There has to be something on this stupid thing that'll track Ken! There's a reason for these buttons, right? Well, what good are they if they can't track the owner of the D-3? Maybe if I press this one first, then..."

"Daisuke..." Hikari put a comforting arm on his shoulder. "I know you're upset, we all are, but--"

"But nothing!" Daisuke whirled around and the others were surprised to see that he was crying. "I have to find him, don't you guys get that? I--" He turned away, his voice strained. "I almost gave up on him before. I was really close to it. I didn't know what to do, or if I should do anything at all. I thought, maybe it would be better if I just waited for the police to find Ken. Or maybe it would be better if I had let the therapist help him instead of me. But--" Daisuke paused, swallowing hard. "But I can't do that. If I give up on him, then that's it. He'll hurt himself or worse, and it'll be all my fault because I gave up. So I can't. I have to believe that I can help him, and that he'll let me. If--if I don't have faith in him, who will?" He sighed. "And maybe it's a hopeless quest. I might just be fooling myself, thinking that someone like me can help him. But hopeless quests are my specialty, right? Everyone says that I'm the guy who never gives up because I'm too stupid to realize when I've lost. And this time, I can't lose. I won't lose. I'm gonna get Ken back, no matter what I have to do." He held the D-3 tightly in his hands. "This has to work. I have to find him, I can't--I can't let him go through this alone--"

A soft beeping noise made him pause. Carefully opening his hands, Daisuke stared at the black D-3. A small blip appeared on the screen, moving away.

"It...worked..." Daisuke stared. "It worked! See, it's telling me where Ken is! It's showing me where to find him." Daisuke hurried to his closet and began packing a small overnight bag. "I'm gonna go find him. I have to."

"Then we're coming too," Miyako said resolutely.

"No." Daisuke's head snapped up to look at her, and he smiled apologetically. "I--I know you guys care about Ken too, but...this is something I have to do. It's--it's not really something that I can explain, so you're gonna have to trust me on this, okay? I have to do this alone."

"But--" Takeru started to object, then he shook his head and smiled. "All right Daisuke, if you think that's best. You can borrow my van, okay?"

"Are you sure you should be alone, though?" Hikari asked worriedly.

"I'll go with him," Wormmon said suddenly.

"You sure?" Daisuke asked. "I mean, I don't want you to get upset if--"

"I'm just coming to keep you company," Wormmon said, hopping onto the bed and looking Daisuke in the eye. "I trust you, Daisuke. If anyone can bring Ken-chan back, it's you."

"Th--thanks," Daisuke replied, looking a little overwhelmed.

"Good luck, then." Takeru pulled his car keys out of his pocket and tossed them to Daisuke. "Bring him back, Daisuke. We all trust you to do this."

"That's right," Hikari added. "We believe in you."

"Thanks guys." Daisuke turned his gaze back to Ken's D-3 and the small red blip showing him Ken's whereabouts. "Don't worry, Ken," he said softly. "I'm going to find you. I promise, this time I won't give up."

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I'd say this is one of my more uplifting cliffhangers, at the very least. Hopefully it'll tide y'all over until I get the next part done.