Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Deep As You Go ❯ Always ( Epilogue )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Deep As You Go Epilogue

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. Not Digimon, or Ken, or Daisuke, or the song or anything. It really sucks.

Author's Notes: At long, long long last, over a year after this monster of a thing was started, I now present...the epilogue! I'm really amazed at how well-recieved this fic has been (I thought it was weird when I started it, and it ended up even more disturbing than I had planned ^_^;;) Anyway, big huge thanks to everyone who's complimented this or reviewed it or even acknowledged its existence. It's helped my ego lots ^_^ Plus this puppy never would've been completed if no one was reading it. So, big love to all. And apologies for the lack of smut in this epilogue, it just didn't seem...appropriate. Anyway, read and enjoy the rest of this while I try and figure out what to do next. (Ken: Your homework, perhaps? Me: Um...what homework? ::innocent whistling::)

Ken sat huddled on the back seat of the van, staring down. The Kaiser was beside him, perched on the edge of the seat, ranting about being ignored and weakness. Ken was trying his best to ignore him, but it was hard. His head was pounding and his eyes itched from crying too much. He was wrapped in an old blanket, his coat lying draped over the passenger seat, and Wormmon was sitting beside him, talking in soothing tones. Ken barely heard him. His eyes were trained to the floor, and he was trying hard to stop shaking.

"I'm back." The door swung open as Daisuke stepped in, carrying Ken's duffel bag. He hadn't liked the idea of leaving Ken even for the few minutes it would take to get his stuff and drop the room key off at the front desk, but it had to be done, so Daisuke had left only after getting Wormmon's firm promise that, if Ken made any move to run off again, Wormmon would sticky net him to the floor. Despite that, Daisuke had been worried that Ken might bolt while he was gone, and the relief he felt upon seeing Ken still there was plain on his face. He haphazardly dropped the duffel bag on the floor and knelt at Ken's side. "You okay?"

Ken was quiet, not looking at him.

"Come on, don't do this to me," Daisuke murmured. "Talk to me, Ken. You were before."

"I'm sorry." The word was a strained whisper.

"I told you to stop saying that," Daisuke admonished him. "You don't have to apologize to me."

"Yes I do. All the trouble I caused...." Ken's voice dropped off. "And for that night in the shadows, too."

"I forgive you," Daisuke said. "Dammit, Ken, stop apologizing. It's okay now." He paused. "Ken, I know you're probably not gonna like what I say, but....we have to go the hospital. You need to get help, and--and as much as I want to, I can't help you by myself. You need to see a doctor or something. Okay?"

Ken didn't reply. His shoulders were hunched, and he was still staring at the floor.

"Okay?" Daisuke repeated. "Ken, I know you don't like doctors, but you need to see one. You can't get better otherwise."

"So that was why you came so far," Ken said softly. "To drop me off at a doctor's office, let them get inside my head while you leave again...."

"Ken..." Daisuke shook his head and leaned forward, taking Ken into his arms in a tight embrace. "I am not leaving you anywhere. I'm gonna come with you, and I'm gonna stay with you until someone kicks me out. And even then I'm gonna keep coming back, until you're so sick of me you'll want me to leave you alone. And even then I'm still gonna keep staying with you. There's no way I'm ever leaving you again, got that? I love you, so I'm staying with you whether you want me to or not."

"You shouldn't," Ken said in a hoarse whisper. "You'd be better off without me."

"Stop that," Daisuke said. "You shouldn't think of yourself like that. You're important and I love you, and that's why I want to help you."

Ken shivered and closed his eyes, silent once more. Daisuke held him close and kissed him.

"It'll be okay, all right? I'll take you to the hospital and you'll get better. And then it'll be just like before, 'cept it'll be better this time. I could move into your room, or we could try to get an apartment off campus or something. Then you won't be alone, right? It'll be you and me together, and I'll take care of you." Daisuke gave Ken a shaky smile. "That sounds kinda weird coming from me, huh? I'm not usually good with stuff like that; hell, I always killed my goldfish. But I will take care of you, and I won't leave. I won't ever leave."

"I don't want you to get sick of me," Ken said, leaning into Daisuke's embrace. "And the Kaiser...he won't like it if I go with you. He's very mad at me right now. He might hurt you." Ken shook his head. "I can't control him anymore. Maybe I never could, maybe he was just pretending to do what I said. I'm trying to ignore him, but....but he's always there. Always in my head, always lying beside me, always there...."

"You think I care?" Daisuke said. "I fought the actual Kaiser, remember? The one in your head isn't going to stop me. But you know I can't do it alone, Ken. That's why we have to go to the hospital, so you'll get better and the Kaiser'll go away and leave you alone, and everything'll be okay again."

Ken didn't answer right away. His head was resting on Daisuke's chest as he stared into space with half-lidded eyes. He felt very fragile in Daisuke's arms.

"You love me, don't you?" Ken whispered after another long silence. "It wasn't all just a lie? Not like the ones everyone else told me. You do, don't you?"

"How many times do I have to keep telling you?" Daisuke murmured. "Of course I love you. No matter how many times you ask me, I'm always gonna love you."

"Why?" Ken said. "Why do you love me? There's no reason to love me. I'm broken, halved, never quite whole. Isn't that a bad thing?"

"It doesn't have to be," Daisuke said. "It's just--just like you're a work-in-progress, right? So maybe right now, you're broken. So what? It just means it'll take some time and care to fix you, and then you'll be better than before."

"Maybe," Ken said. He shifted slightly and looked Daisuke in the face. "But you didn't answer my question. Why do you love me?"

"Because--I just do, I guess," Daisuke said. "I mean, why shouldn't I? You're kind, and smart, and you keep worrying about everybody else when you don't have to, and you only call me stupid when you're joking or having a really bad time. And you never mean it, even if it really seems like you do. There's a lot to love about you, Ken. You just have to start seeing it for yourself." He paused. "Ken...I know you're always worried that people are gonna leave you. But that's not your fault, never your fault. Sometimes--sometimes people just leave, and no one knows why. They're just gone. But just because people leave you doesn't make it your fault, and it sure as hell doesn't make you a bad person. I never left because of you, you have to believe me. Hell, I almost didn't leave, because I thought I'd miss you too much. But--but I did, and I can't change that. I can only promise that I won't leave again."

"A promise," Ken repeated. He laughed bitterly. "What's a promise? Everyone promises. 'We'll never leave you, Ken. Never go away.' But I'm always by myself at the end. I'm always the last one standing in the room, left behind and missing everyone else..."

"I mean it, Ken!" Daisuke gave Ken a fierce look, and the other boy turned his head away. "You trusted me when I said I loved you, right? So keep trusting me. You have to sometime, Ken. This won't work any other way."

Ken sighed.

"We're back to the beginning again, aren't we?" he said ruefully, turning back to Daisuke. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I know," Daisuke said. "You're always sorry, and you shouldn't have to be."

"I have a lot to be sorry for," Ken replied. "You can't understand it, Daisuke.... it's hard to know when things are all your fault."

"You think I don't know that?" Daisuke shook his head. "I'm stupid ol' Motomiya, right? I'm always making mistakes and getting yelled at. A lot of stuff's my fault. But I know that after a while, there's no point in apologizing. Sometimes stuff just happens, and we can't help doing whatever it is we do. And you don't need to apologize when you've already been forgiven."

"Have I?" Ken wondered.

"Dammit, Ken, I forgave you ages ago!" Daisuke said roughly.

"But...I attacked you. I--I almost--"

"That wasn't you," Daisuke said firmly. "I know you, Ken. Even after all this, after everything that's happened, you're still the same Ken I've always cared about. And I know that there's some stuff that's wrong with you, in your head and all, and that it's making you do stuff you wouldn't usually do. But you can't help it, so how can I blame you?"

"Wouldn't it be better if you did?" Ken closed his eyes and laid his ear against Daisuke's chest, listening to his heartbeat. "Maybe I'd feel better if you blamed me."

"I'm not givin' you another thing to beat yourself up over," Daisuke said firmly. "You'll feel better eventually, Ken, you'll see. I mean, it'll take some time, but...you'll be whole again. You'll be okay."

"How can you be so sure?" Ken opened his eyes and gazed down at his wrists. "If the Kaiser hadn't stopped me from cutting, things would be all right now."

"You know that's not true," Daisuke said. "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if that had happened. You keep saying you don't want hurt me, right?"

"Right..."

"Well, losing you would hurt me," Daisuke said firmly. "So you're gonna have to keep living or else I'll be really really hurt, and then I'll have to raise your ghost so you can apologize to me." Ken laughed softly, and Daisuke suddenly felt as if some weight had been lifted. "That's better! You need to laugh more, Ken. It's been too long since I last heard you laugh."

"Anything..." Ken breathed, leaning closer to Daisuke. "Anything for you. Just--just promise you won't go. Promise and mean it."

"I always mean it," Daisuke said gravely. "I'm not going anywhere, Ken, not unless you're there with me. I won't let you be alone again."

"That's all I want," Ken murmured. "To hear another voice that's not my own, or the Kaiser's...to touch something. Something real. It's been so long since I was able to touch something real..."

"Well, I'm real," Daisuke said. "I'm real, and I'm holding you, and I'm not letting go. I'm not leaving again, not this time. I already made that mistake."

"You might change your mind," Ken said, His voice was growing softer and more distant. His eyes closed again as exhaustion began to catch up with him. "You know I'm still all wrong. The Kaiser's still--still talking....he's not happy, and he's never quiet--" Ken whimpered softly and brought a hand up to his head.

"Yeah, I know," Daisuke said in soothing tones. "Your head, right? It's all right. It'll go away eventually."

"I know." Ken shivered. "Even if it doesn't--you won't stop caring? No matter how deep I fall into things, you won't leave?"

"No matter how deep you go," Daisuke said gravely. "If I have to, I'll follow you down and drag you back up. Trust me."

"C-can we go to the hospital now?" Ken's voice was low and foggy, like that of a half-asleep child.

"Yeah, we can." Daisuke kissed Ken on the forehead and laid him down on the back seat, pulling the blanket over him. He started to move back towards the front seat, when Ken weakly grabbed his arm.

"You'll still be here when I wake up?" he questioned sleepily.

"Always," Daisuke promised, kissing him again. "Always."