Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ I Wish I knew ❯ Chapter 6

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

I wish I knew: Why I hurt


I still don't own, but maybe next chapter.

Well, this is about three chapters longer then I'd thought it be when I started writing it and I doubt it's even halfway done yet. So, I have no idea what's going to happen next so there might be long spaces between chapters while I try to figure out what the hell is going on

Yeah…Anyway, on to the fic. And hey, we've got some senseless rambling at the bottom promise. Like we would ever deprive you of all the stupid stuff I spout

Warnings: I don't usually do warnings but Daisuke is hearing voices in this part. I just thought this is something you should know before you read this, so you're not too surprised, and he's starting to develop suicidal tendencies. Yes, for some odd reason I cannot stop messing with Daisuke. So, I'm sorry. I actually tried to stop but it didn't go over too well. Umm…a self-mutilation warning and I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead okay? Don't hurt me! It's all my muses' faults! [Runs away from Daisuke lovers carrying torches and pitchforks]


Daisuke blinked a few times then snuggled close to the warm body next to him. He still couldn't figure out why T.K. would put up with all of this, but he appreciated it. It was kind of funny seeing as how a few weeks ago he had thought he couldn't stand T.K. but now…

Now what? You think you're in love with him? How stupid can you be?

Daisuke frowned and shook his head a little. He hated that…voice. It was always telling him he was worthless. It kind of sounded like his dad. He had been ignoring it for the past few weeks, letting it yell the same things it always had, but not listening.

He would look and listen to T.K. instead. Something about the blond was infectious and it made him happy. He was happier then he had ever been just being around T.K. It felt nice to have someone worry about him and to look at him like…well it was hard to describe.

You are stupid aren't you? He probably doesn't even like you. He just feels bad for you. Poor Daisuke, abused by his parents. Once his sure everything's okay he'll leave.

*Shut up*

Daisuke wasn't going to listen. Not to some dumb voice that sounded like a man who hated him anyway. It, the voice, was just trying to make him doubt things.

T.K. liked him. End of story.

I don't have to make you doubt, you already do. If you didn't doubt your little friend then you wouldn't listen. But you know it's true, don't you Daisuke? Of course you do. I'm just the part of you that already accepts the obvious. No one loves you and you will always be alone.

No, that wasn't true. T.K. might not love him, but he liked him. He knew that. T.K. had told him so before. He remembered it. He wasn't looking for love anyway, just someone to hold him. To make sure that he wouldn't be alone until he did find someone who loved him.

So you're going to hang around him forever? Be his little charity case and keep him from finding someone he loves because you're selfish and no one loves you? Some friend you are.

*Shut up! You don't know anything*

I know you. I am you. Except I'm not a total idiot and I don't have false hopes and I know, with out a doubt, that you will never find what you are looking for Daisuke.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up." Daisuke whispered, not daring to shout which is what he really wanted to do right now. He didn't want to wake T.K. or Ms. Takashi up and then have to explain he was hearing voices. Besides, telling someone else about this would mean the voice was real and that it might be right.

Of course I'm right. I'm always right, you stupid boy.

"No no no no no." Daisuke shook his head violently. He wouldn't listen to this. Daisuke sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. He pulled his legs up to his chest and took a few deep breaths.

He wasn't going to listen he wasn't going to listen.

T.K. opened an eye when he felt the redhead move next to him. Ever since the incident with his parents last week, Daisuke kept having nightmares. (Yes, it's been a week. Time flies, no?) So he had started making himself wake up at the slightest movement from his friend. His friend who wasn't lying next to him like he usually did.

Okay, that wasn't too unnerving because he could hear Daisuke's quiet breathing at the foot of the bed. At least he knew the redhead was still here. Now to figure out what was wrong with him.

"Hey, Dais, are you okay?" Not getting a response, he sat up and blinked a few times waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. When he could see clearly again, he frowned. Daisuke was sitting on the edge of the bed, shaking. From experience, shaking usually meant crying.

He probably hates you. Or he will when he finds out the rest of your secrets.

"No."

"You're not okay?" T.K. asked already knowing the answer. He put a hand on Daisuke's shoulder, but didn't get any kind of response. It was almost like Daisuke didn't know he was there.

Yes. What's going to happen when perfect T.K. finds out just how far away from perfect you really are? When he sees how much damage you've done to yourself, with out the help of your parents?

Daisuke whimpered. There were so many things he hadn't told anybody, that he didn't want to tell. He was so weak it was laughable. He was still in shock of the digi-egg of courage thing. He could stand up to monsters, mummies, crazy spider ladies, and lots of other things, but put one of his parents when they're angry in front of him and he'd lose his back bone instantly.

He'd crumble.

"Daisuke?" T.K. said shaking him a little.

Yes you are weak and alone and small and scared. Everyone hates you because you're a phony. Act tough and strong, but the minute they all go away you break down and cry. They all know it and they're all laughing at you. All of them. You're friends, your family, and T.K. too. They are all laughing.

Tears slid down Daisuke's cheek, but they went unnoticed by him. He was somewhere in his mind crying and shouting denials that he didn't believe, too far gone to care that he was giving T.K. a panic attack. The voice taunted, breaking down defenses he had put up to keep away the pain.
And with out that wall, it was all flooding back at once. Years of pain came crashing down, drowning him and he wanted it to go away. It hurt so much, but nothing could stop it. It just kept coming and getting worse. It hurt and he needed it to stop.

He wanted to die, if that would stop it.

T.K. watched Daisuke for a long time. The redhead had stopped moving and his eyes had lost almost all signs of life. They had turned a dull brown, nothing like the bright, chocolate brown he was used to. It was like has wasn't even in there, like his mind had left his body and left only a hollow shell behind.

Now T.K. was getting a little panicky. If that's what it seemed like and Daisuke wasn't in there then what the hell was going on? You couldn't just leave your body it didn't work like that!
The blond started coughing loudly and he gasped for air. It was like he couldn't breath all of a sudden. He was being crushed and there was no air. The room started to spin so he closed his eyes tight. He felt lightheaded and he was finding it hard to calm down.

He could feel light and he could see it through his eyelids. It was the last thing he was aware of before he passed out. And he gladly welcomed the inky blackness; at least he couldn't think now.


Next morning. 9 a.m. (About six hours later). Overheard in the office of T.K. and Daisuke's doctor.


"Ms. Takashi, it seems your son Takeru suffered from a panic attack. But he should be fine once he wakes up. The only thing we have to worry about is what caused the attack and I'm sure it's fairly obvious what, or I suppose who is more appropriate, that is."

"You mean Daisuke?"

"Yes, Daisuke Motomiya, a friend of your son's I assume."

Short pause. "His boyfriend."

"Oh, I see, well that explains it even better. But as I said Takeru will be fine."

Frown. "What about Daisuke?" I do not like the way he put that. T.K. will throw a fit if anything happens to Daisuke and I'd hate to be person who tells him something's wrong.

Nervous look. "Well, it looks like he went into a self-induced coma."

Raised eyebrow. "He put himself into a coma? Why?"

"I have an idea, but I can't be sure." Deep breath. "Daisuke shows signs of being abused. Before I continue I have to ask did you have any idea about this."

"Yes. His parents were abusing him, that's why he's staying with us."

"So I'm guessing you know it also looks like he's tried suicide on more then one occasion and he has a great number of cuts along his arms, which may mean he was hurting himself."

Surprised blink. "Daisuke's cutting himself?"

"That is how it looks." Quiet sigh. "I think that the pain of being abused, his urge to die and hurt himself, and probably a feeling of guilt for feeling this way, caused too much mental and emotional pain so he decided to shut himself down so he didn't have to deal with it. Hence to self-induced coma."

"Oh…is there anyway to wake him up?"

"Usually we let them wake up on there own, because if you don't want to wake up then nothing we do will make you do so, but in light of his 'Situation', I think we can administer a stimulus to wake his body up"

"And do you think, when he wakes up you can put him and T.K. in the same room?"

"We usually let those with suicidal tendencies have their own room to keep them from hurting anyone."

"They've been sharing a room the better part on a month and I know Daisuke hates to sleep without T.K. around. He has nightmares."

Long thoughtful pause. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you."


T.K. opened an eye then cringed against the light. Damn it was bright in here. Speaking of here, where was he? Big room, lots of light, white walls that reflect said light in a most annoying way.
He was in the hospital.

"You're awake." Matt said from somewhere next to T.K. He was sitting in a chair. Or more accurately he was sitting in Joe's lap in a chair. He smiled some as T.K. sat up and frowned.

"My head hurts." T.K. announced looking around the room. There was another bed next to his, but it was otherwise empty. "What's going on?"

"You passed out, Daisuke zoned out, Mom called the hospital who called Dad who's in Santa Monica taping something, so he called me." Matt said giving T.K. a brief summary of the past few hours.

T.K. nodded, not in the mood to dispute this or make a comment about his father being to busy to make sure his son was okay. "Where's Dais?"

"He's in a self-induced coma." Ms. Takashi announced from the doorway. She had been checking up on Daisuke who was starting to respond to the drugs he had been given. "Matt can you and Joe go down to his room and wait for him to wake up? I need to talk to T.K."

Matt and Joe waved to T.K. then walked out of the room and down the hall to where Daisuke was. They weren't positive what was going on. But they knew that it was serious and that Ms. Takashi wasn't happy.

"He's in a coma?"

"He put himself in a coma." Came the gentle correction. "I'm going to be blunt about this and I need to the truth from you." T.K. nodded, a wave of cold fear washing over him. Why would Daisuke put himself in a coma? He could tell it was more then that though. Ms. Takashi frowned, he eyes sad but a serious look on her face "Did you know Daisuke has tried to kill himself?"

T.K's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open, answering his mothers question without saying a word. Ms. Takashi's expression turned from serious to sad.

"Well he has. More then once."

"Why?" Was the only thing that came to T.K.'s mind. Other then that it was just Daisuke's tried to kill himself, Daisuke's tried to kill himself and that was hardly a productive thought.

"You can ask him after he wakes up."



Hum…well that's it. I have way too much free time and a way to creative an imagination.
Tracy: No shit.
Dammy: Man, I knew you were demented but this is new.
I'm sorry…these are my muses by the way. We need to have a confrence so until later.