Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Matter of Perspective ❯ Taichi ( Chapter 15 )

DISCLAIMER: Digimon Adventure 02 does not belong to me. It is the property of Toei Animation. Some people would also credit the manga artist, but I've seen the manga and -- quite frankly -- the only character that is remotely similar from one to the other is Taichi. Yamato, Koushirou, Jyou and all the rest do not exist. The Taichi in the manga doesn't even have an Agumon. Therefore, given the version of Digimon Adventure that I'm writing this about...I credit Toei Animation and no one else. No money made, no copyright infringement intended, all rights reserved.

A/N: Taichi!Angst. Yes, well -- you would angst, too, if you were him. On behalf of Kay-san who wanted to adopt the poor little munchkin (my god, did I just SAY that?), I should add that anything like that will have to wait until the fic is completed. I still need Taichi to write. Oh, and for anyone who thinks this story hasn't really earned an R rating, this is where we turn up the heat...literally. People who want to kill Yamato after they read this might want to keep in mind that the next part slowly tortures her. So, it's all good! Whee, obsessive-compulsive baking. Anyone want a bran muffin?

He checked his watch while he waited for Yamato to answer her door. It was Thursday. Two days since Yamato and Sora had got them all together and announced their breakup. Not that they were calling it that -- Sora in particular kept insisting that this was just a temporary separation until Koushirou found a way to change everyone back to normal. She and Yamato apparently thought it would better to stop seeing each other for a while, under these circumstances. Taichi wasn't sure who they thought they were fooling; temporary separation or no, they didn't even talk to each other during lunch anymore.

He should've been happy. This was the moment he'd been waiting for ever since Yamato had first told him in a soft voice that Sora wanted to go to the fair on the same night they was supposed to be seeing the latest Jackie Chan movie and could they possibly reschedule that. Even though he'd made plans with Taichi first. He should've taken this opportunity to laugh in Sora's face or maybe swept Yamato off her feet. But he hadn't. He hadn't even talked things over with Yamato or tried to make her feel better, because she'd taken one look at him and said quietly that she wanted to be alone for a while.

This afternoon had been the first time she'd even acknowledged him in the halls, and then the message on his answering machine when he got home from school: "Hi. I guess you know who this is, huh? If you don't mind, could you come over today? Please, Taichi...I really need to talk to somebody." Sounding so strained though she'd tried to be cheerful.

And there he was, only fifteen minutes later, wondering for maybe the tenth time how he would ever get through this in one piece. He knew he had to reassure Yamato and defend her relationship with Sora, even when saying those words would kill him inside. Not that it should matter, of course. He died a little every day now. He was used to that, wasn't he?

Finally, the door opened just a crack, and she peeked one bright blue almond-shaped eye through. Yamato seemed nervous; skittish, as if he might've brought a gang with him. She let him inside anyway after a second's hesitation. Only as Taichi pried off his sneakers did he get a good look at her, and what he saw set him back a pace. Maybe she'd had another reason for not wanting to open the door right away.

At school, Yamato had made an obvious effort to keep up appearances. She still arrived with her bookbag slung carelessly over one shoulder and every hair in place. Seeing her now without the pressed uniform and the perfectly-applied makeup -- well, her skirt didn't even go with her blouse. They weren't things that mattered to him (this was a girl who could've made a burlap sack look good when she smiled), but Taichi knew how messed up she must've been to invite him over when she hadn't even bothered to comb her hair.

It was probably as close as Yamato would ever come to being a wreck, and all because of Sora. Something unpleasant settled in the pit of Taichi's stomach at that thought. God, he didn't want to do this.

"Would you like some tea?" the blonde asked softly, leading him into her kitchen. "I just made some a little while ago. Oolong, raspberry, mint, or plain green tea?"

He started to reply before he'd really registered what she had said. "You, um, made four different kinds of tea?"

"Five," Yamato corrected in a hollow voice. "But the barley is gone now...it didn't taste right." She must've caught him staring at her, because she really tried to smile. "I've had a lot of time on my hands, Taichi. I ran out of things to clean yesterday, so I've been baking. At least it gives me something to clean up after."

Sure enough, the dinner table was cluttered with different kinds of muffins and cupcakes. There were pies on the floor, some sort of fancy cream dessert on one of the chairs, a cake with four layers on another, chocolate mousse beside the television, and hard candies everywhere. He had never seen so much sugar in one place before. Actually going into the dining room, Taichi caught a glimpse of bread in the bathroom. It made him slightly nervous. There was this weird sense that all the food had climbed out of the stove by itself and started marking out separate territories.

"Yamato..." Realizing that he'd been about to say Sora wasn't worth this, Taichi floundered. "Mint, I guess."

She smiled weakly at him. "Good. Dad hates mint tea, and I'm not that fond of it myself. I wasn't sure what to do with all of it."

When she started to pour the tea, the Keeper of Courage noticed for the first time how badly her hands were shaking. She just kept missing the cup and sloshing tea all over the counter instead. Taichi offered to do it for her, but she pushed him away and said she was fine on her own. He let the matter drop. Starting a fight wasn't one of his real priorities. Of course, that was before Yamato went to hand him his cup and lost her grip on it completely -- drenching herself in thankfully lukewarm mint tea. She didn't yelp or reach for a paper towel, just stared at the scattered pieces of broken china as if she wasn't sure she'd really done that.

"Guess I'm not as fine as I thought," she whispered.

As much as he'd been determined to keep his distance, Taichi couldn't help putting his arms around her. Not when she looked so miserable and scared. He tried desperately not to notice the way her cold nipples jutted into him. "It's okay, Yama. It's just a teacup."

The blonde pushed him away violently. "It's not just a teacup!" she shrieked. "I don't care about the teacup! Why is this happening to me? All I wanted was a wife and a couple of kids. A little boy and a little girl! What's wrong with that? Isn't that what everyone wants, Taichi?"

He didn't know how to answer at first. Maybe that was what everyone wanted, but Ishida Yamato? The Ishida Yamato? "Yeah, I guess. But I always kinda figured you expected more outta life than that."

That seemed to calm her. At least the fire had gone out of her eyes. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that people change sometimes? They grow up, Taichi. Don't know how I'm going to tell the band that, but none of you understand. Sora's mother wants..." Then the words seemed to die on her lips. "Then again, the way things are going I won't have to worry about what she wants anymore."

"Yamato, don't talk like that!" Taichi snapped instinctively. "I mean, I know how much you must miss Sora --"

"But that's just it," she interjected. Sounding thoughtful and sad. "I don't miss her. Not at all. I keep expecting to, thinking that at any moment it'll start to hurt -- that I'm just in denial or something. Because I really feel nothing, Taichi. God, what's wrong with me?"

Don't get your hopes up, Yagami. Don't you dare get your hopes up. This means nothing.

But when he hugged her again and Yamato pressed her face softly into his chest, it was hard. When he suggested they sit down and she started heading down the hall for her bedroom, it was hard. Everything in there smelled like her. He didn't want to sit on her bed and tell her things with Sora would be okay, he wanted to lie under the covers and help her forget Sora had ever existed. Yamato trusted him. If he said he thought that whatever had happened proved that maybe they just weren't meant to be together, she would've listened. And when she began to talk, the urge to do just that rose almost unbearably.

"Well, you know we had a date on Monday. Not a big deal or anything, just going to see this movie together." She leaned forward so that her pretty blonde hair hid her expression completely from view. It did nothing about the tremble in her voice. "I guess that really, what happened is all my fault. I mean, it was me who refused to even let her hold my hand in the darkened theater. And maybe nobody would've seen, but...but there were other couples all around us. I just thought -- never mind."

"No," Taichi said quickly, because they would never get anywhere if he let her do that. "Go ahead. What were you going to say?"

She glanced at him through her bangs and almost smiled. "It's silly."

"I'm not gonna laugh at you, Yama."

Now she was really smiling. "I know that." Kinda warmly, too. "If you really want to know, I was afraid that the minute we did anything like that, something bad would happen. Like the film would break, and then the lights would come up...and everyone would see us." She bit her lip, just a little. "Like I said: silly."

Silly and paranoid. Okay, so maybe she was right. "Well, aren't you glad you got it off your chest?"

The blonde muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Too bad that's all I got off my chest," and flashed a smile as if that could distract him from the bitter tone in her voice. She didn't give him a chance to reply. "Anyway, I think we were actually okay up until I tried to walk her home and she wanted to know if I was sure I could handle that. I was going to yell at her -- say of course I didn't mind walking my girlfriend home...but you know what?" Yamato shut her eyes. "I couldn't say it. Like a fucking moron, all I could think about was how that would sound to all the people on the train with us. So I shut my mouth and proved her goddamn point."

It struck Taichi that there was no real pain in the blonde's voice. He heard embarrassment and anger, but nothing else. Still, after all she'd said to him in the park, he would not let himself see the obvious solution. Yamato never seemed to mean these things the way they sounded.

"Wanted to kiss her," she continued haltingly. "Only I didn't. Not really. I just thought...thought she might appreciate it. That's how we always end our dates."

Oh, great. Why had she said that? He'd been fine, nodding in just the right sympathetic way whenever she finished a sentence, and now he had to think about all the dates they'd ever mentioned. Hundreds and hundreds of goodnight kisses. But what Yamato said next easily jarred him out of his morbid thoughts.

"She pushed me away."

"She what?!" Taichi exploded.

Of course, his best friend stared at him. He should've controlled his anger or at least tried to soften it -- but for the love of god! There were nights where the only way he got to sleep was by reminding himself that the person he loved was with someone who would never hurt her. Did Yamato honestly expect him to sit and have this stupid conversation and say all of this shit he didn't mean when Sora, bitchy little Sora who had so much more than she deserved, had fucked things up?!

"Well, you can't really blame her, can you?" To his disgust, Yamato was actually trying to defend her girlfriend's behavior. And then her tone shifted into something very different. "Take a good look at me, Taichi. Why would she ever want to..."

He knew she was insecure about a lot of things, more so than even her close friends realized, but somehow...it had never occurred to him that Yamato thought she was anything less than God's gift to women. And men, he added as a droll afterthought. Taichi grabbed her shoulders roughly, meant to shake some sense into that pretty little head of hers -- but he couldn't because there were tears in her beautiful eyes. So he ended up drawing her to his chest and not shaking her at all.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled indistinctly. "I can't seem to stop."

"Don't worry about it, Yama." Right. As if he minded holding her.

Gentle laughter that vibrated through his ribcage. "How can you stand to be so patient with me all the time?" she demanded playfully. At the same time, burrowing a little deeper into his arms. Her voice went soft and sort of dreamy. "You're so sweet, Taichi. There must've been other things to do, but you came right over here just because I asked you to. I guess you're always doing stuff like that, aren't you? I don't know why I never noticed it before."

There was a lump in his throat. Taichi swallowed it, and wondered why he felt so uncomfortable all of a sudden. Tense, and...kinda turned on by the lazy appreciation in Yamato's voice. It wasn't a tone she'd used with him before. And just as he was thinking that it reminded him of the unfamiliar look she'd had in her eye on Sunday night, Yamato lifted her head and he saw it there again. She smiled.

"You wouldn't have pushed me away, would you?"

"Wh - what?" was all he could choke out.

She hadn't really said that. And she wasn't really climbing into his lap, either. Or pressing her body into his deliberately. Fuck. The cold tea made Taichi shiver, but the only thing he could think as she ran the tip of her tongue over his mouth was that she'd taken off her bra with the rest of her uniform. Somehow, though, he didn't actually stop breathing until she looked at him with her eyes still burning.

"You want me, don't you?" she murmured huskily.

"God..." What could he say, no? He nodded, but even as she went to close the last vestige of distance between them, he couldn't make himself relax. This wasn't right. Yamato didn't do sudden. She was too meticulous for that. And the more Taichi tried to convince himself he didn't care, the more uncomfortable he got. Finally, with the taste of her soft lips still fresh in his mind, he forced himself to ask. "Wait. Why are you doing this?"

The blonde jerked back in evident surprise, and he saw that she had never stopped crying. "Because I can't fight it anymore, Taichi." She moved to kiss him again, still talking, her voice a shattered whisper. "Don't you see? This body wants you so fucking much. And god help me, but I can't even tell us apart anymore."

He caught her wrists and held her in place. Frightened by what they'd almost done, what he'd almost let her do. Even if it hadn't been about to completely and utterly destroy their friendship, Taichi was in no mood to be a comfort fuck. Not even Yamato's.

Especially not Yamato's.

"What're you doing?" she asked, obviously amused by his hesitation. Then she shifted her naked legs so that she was more or less sitting on the hard-on that his faded jeans did nothing to hide. "Isn't this what you wanted? C'mon, Taichi. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it. Wouldn't you just love to rip my panties off and fuck me senseless? Make me scream..." Now she was goading him, her voice harsh. "What's the matter, afraid of me? You're a man, aren't you?"

Groaned. Didn't mean to. He knew it was wrong really, but he did want her. He wanted her so very badly. Yamato put her tongue inside his ear and whispered hateful, mocking things. Why was she trying to piss him off? It didn't make any sense. Except that Yamato didn't love him. She just wanted something to distract her from everything she felt inside. And from the way she was acting, she didn't care whether it hurt. Maybe she was even hoping it would.

That thought woke him up in a hurry. Taichi may have wanted Yamato, but he was past the point of just wanting sex. Hell yeah and lots of it -- just not like this. He clenched his teeth until they ached, and slowly shook his head. Thankfully, it didn't take any more than that.

Her eyes softened and she grew very quiet. "You hate me."

Maybe he would've laughed under other circumstances. How ridiculous could you get? "Just because I won't take advantage of you when you're upset...shit. Yamato, I love you!"

He didn't realize what he'd said until her mouth fell open, but by then it was too late to take it back. The blonde worked her jaw for a few seconds uncertainly.

"Taichi. When you say 'love', do you mean like...like that?"

So, this was it. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Three years of holding it together and finding excuses for doing unbelievably moronic things, and now he was going to lose her because he had finally done the one thing he couldn't defend. Oh, Taichi thought about pretending he'd just meant as a friend, but why bother? She would never believe him. He considered trying to be dashing or suave about it, go out with a bang if he had to go out, but this wasn't a moment he'd ever let himself plan for. There was nothing to say. "...Yeah. I guess I do," he mumbled, and everything stopped while he waited for Yamato to walk out of his life.

Except that she hadn't said anything yet. Taichi dared to open his eyes and cursed himself violently. Why did he keep on doing this to himself?! His best friend looked confused and embarrassed. She didn't hate him, but she was never going to love him. Shouldn't have been such a fucking Boy Scout about the sex. At least he would've had something to remember if he'd let Yamato seduce him.

"Look," he continued desperately before she had the chance to gently reject him, "this doesn't have to change anything if you don't want it to. I promise I'll never make you feel uncomfortable or anything."

The blonde seemed to come out of a trance. She blinked a couple of times; started to fidget with the material of her skirt. She wouldn't meet his eyes. "I'm sorry, Taichi, but...I can't." So quiet he'd almost missed hearing it.

God, no. "Please don't shut me out of your life, Yama." His voice cracked nastily, and he fought to keep himself from begging the way he wanted to. She couldn't do this to him. She simply couldn't. Suddenly, just being friends looked a lot better. "Please. I'll do anything."

Another blink. Yamato gave him a bewildered frown. "Oh! No, no. That's not what I meant. It's just that I can't be anything more than friends with you." She reddened very slightly. "I know that probably makes what I tried to do seem stupid -- but you were right. I'm...I'm really confused right now, Taichi. This body, what happened with Sora, I don't think I can handle anything else. Really. I just don't want to do anything I might regret."

Had he started nodding before she even opened her mouth? Sure felt like it. His neck ached from all the sharp, mechanical jerks. And now he was standing up, reassuring her that of course he didn't mind so long as they could still be friends fucking friends but that was better than losing her completely. And now Yamato was following him to the door, still so worried that she'd hurt his goddamned feelings, oh no, couldn't hurt Taichi's feelings, break his heart yes but never hurt his goddamned feelings. She caught his hand before he could walk away and he realized she was on the verge of tears. Because she still cared about him, even if she didn't love him.

Which was totally unfair, since he should've been able to hate her. Hating her would've made everything so much easier.

"Please try to understand," she nearly whimpered.

And the hopeless expression on her face...

Somehow, Taichi managed to grin. "Hey, you called me understanding, right? I'll be okay."

Her eyes lit up and she threw her arms around him. Buried him in thank-you's. Promised to call him later that night and make plans for pizza sometime -- her treat, since he was always so good at cheering her up. And then disappeared back into her apartment.

What a stupid thing to say. He smirked faintly. Maybe he could usually make Yamato feel better, but he hadn't done a very good job this time. Once the relief high wore off, she'd probably realize that. At which point, she would need cheering up all over again.

When he got to the train station, Taichi used one of the public phones to call someone he thought might have better luck. "Hi, Mrs. Maeda. Is Sekyou there?"

End of Part Fifteen.