Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Only You ❯ Memory ( Chapter 3 )

Warnings - This fic will contain: yaoi, language, and a suicide attempt. Read at your own risk. It's rated R for these same reasons - which means if you're under 17 then you really ought to turn around and go read something else. Still some angst too.

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Caitlin: I'm so evil.

Kali: Hey, I thought that was my line!

Caitlin: I meant figuratively speaking, Kali.

Kali: Oh. Never mind then.

Caitlin: And I'm so happy I finally figured out the whole formatting thing. So now I've got italics, and bold, and stuff! ^_^

Zoe: purrs. Almost done, Caitlin. And no, she still doesn't own Digimon or the song the title comes from.

Pairings: This is mainly a Taito/Yamachi fic (or Tai/Matt for all us North Americans). But there's definitely TK/Kari, Mimi/Joe, and hints of Davis/Ken and Sora/Yolei.

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Chapter 3 - Memory

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(Matt)

A month passed.

Four weeks since the 'Fight' as it was dubbed.

In that time, no one but TK knew anything about how Tai was. And TK only knew because Kari confided everything to him.

Kari's parents had gotten very worried about their son, TK had told Matt. So worried that they'd had to put him in the hospital. Kari spent all her free time there, sitting with Tai and praying her Light would be lead her brother back from the darkness.

Matt, of course, had tried to rush right down there as soon as he heard. But TK wouldn't let him.

"He doesn't want to see you Matt. Or anyone else for that matter." TK had said.

Matt gave in, but finally got annoyed enough to try being sneaky.

One evening, TK had left, saying he was going to see Kari. Matt followed him as stealthily as he could.

TK went to the hospital, since that's where Kari was. Matt shadowed his little brother. When TK reached a certain room, he knocked at the door and waited.

Kari came out and closed the door behind her. Her parents were sitting with Tai, who was currently asleep. Matt hid just within hearing distance.

TK took her in his arms and held her as she cried softly. "How are you doing, Kari?"

"I can't stand this TK! He won't eat. They had to put him on an IV and he's just wasting away. And he hasn't cried once."

TK closed his eyes and Matt, from his hiding place, swallowed a sob.

"He'll get better Kari. We just have to find a way to make him want to fight for himself."

"But how?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something. Don't give up hope, Kari. He still needs you." TK kissed her gently. "Has he said a word? Anything at all?"

She sniffled. "No. It's been three weeks since he talked."

Matt stared at them from his hiding spot. What are they talking about? Tai isn't speaking?

"What did the doctor say?"

"He said that whatever caused this is totally psychological. Tai, literally, has lost his voice. He's tried to speak. But nothing comes out." She started crying again.

"Oh, God. I'm so sorry Kari. Come on. Let's go for a walk and get some coffee or something. You need to clear your head." TK led her away.

Matt watched them go, then hurried away.

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He found himself in the park several hours later. Glancing at his watch, Matt realized it was nearing midnight.

He found a bench and sat, hands tucked into his jacket pockets. He watched the stars above twinkle and sparkle, thinking of all he'd heard in the hallway of that hospital.

Tai. He thought. I can't believe you can't say anything. You, who always has something to say. Always ready with words to reassure me, or annoy me, or make me laugh. And you always know just what to say to keep the peace and be the leader you've always been. Tears silently ran down Matt's cheeks. And now, you can't.

Memories poured through him. Tai on the soccer field, calling out plays and cheering his teammates on. Tai yelling at Matt during one of their fights, then suddenly laughing hysterically, making Matt start laughing too. Tai's whispered words at Matt's first gig. "You were great Matt. Everyone thought so. You're gonna be a star, Yama."

Yama. Matt cried harder, burying his face in his hands. How many times have you called me that and I never even noticed? His heart shattered into a million pieces.

He didn't move from that spot all night. The darkness surrounded him and cloaked him in his own misery. By the time he had cried himself out, dawn was breaking.

Matt walked home as the first light of a new day shone its rays on the city.

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(TK)

TK jerked awake at the sound of the apartment door opening and closing. He sat up, rubbing his eyes and stared at his brother.

"TK why aren't you still in bed? It's almost 6 am. On a Saturday!" Matt asked.

"Me? Matt, I've been waiting for you to come home. I was worried."

"Don't be. I'm fine." Matt took off his jacket and turned to go to his room, intending to crash for a few hours.

"No you're not. You can't fool me Matt." TK followed him into his room.

"Look, TK. I know you're worried but you can stop. I'm fine. Now, I'd like to get a few hours of sleep." Matt hit the bed face down and didn't move.

TK sighed, knowing Matt wouldn't tell him anything no matter how much he prodded. "Fine. Be that way." TK walked stiffly to the door, but turned at Matt's muffled voice. "What?"

"I said, I'd take it as a kindness if you didn't slam the door on your way out."

TK gave him a glare then stalked out.

He slammed the door anyway.

Leaning against the door, he gave a frustrated growl and had a desperate need to kick something. Instead, he went to his room and paced. Patamon sat on his bed, watching him.

"I feel so helpless, Patamon! I can't help Matt, or Tai, or Kari…"

"Maybe you're trying too hard." Patamon suggested.

He flopped down on the bed. "Maybe." He blinked. "Wait. Kindness! That's it!" TK jumped up and ran for the front door.

"TK? What's it?" Patamon flew after him.

"I think I know someone who might be able to help Tai. But I have to talk to Kari first." He ran for the hospital.

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"Ken? I don't understand TK. Why do you think he could help Tai?" Kari stared at him as he breathlessly told her his idea.

"Look, let's just say Ken is in the same sort of position as Tai was a couple of years ago. There's a difference or two, but it's close enough. I just wanted to know if you would let me tell Ken everything and have him come down here to talk to Tai." TK tried to explain. "Just trust me, Kari."

"I do, TK. I just…" She glanced at the door to Tai's room. "He doesn't want any of our friends to see him like this." They'd used up a lot of paper and pencils, Kari thought. It had been the only way for Tai to 'say' anything.

"Then ask him if he'd be willing to at least listen to Ken. Just Ken. I swear."

"Fine. I'll ask. Wait here." She disappeared inside.

When she came back out, there was a small smile on her face. "He says he'll listen. But he doesn't have to like it."

TK laughed. "See? If he can make a comment like that then there's still hope." He bent and brushed his mouth over hers. "I'll go get Ken and be back after lunch."

"Okay."

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TK knocked on Ken's apartment door. Strange. He thought, absently. We've been friends for so long now and I've never been here before.

Ken's mother opened the door. "Oh! TK! What a surprise! Are you here to see Ken?"

"Hello, Mrs. Ichijoji. Yes, I am. Is he home? I know it's kind of early…"

"Oh no. It's only 9 or so. Ken's been up for a while now. Come in, dear." She let him in and he followed her to Ken's bedroom. "Ken?" She called, knocking. "TK is here to see you, honey."

Ken opened the door in surprise. "TK? What are you doing here?" He let his friend in and his mother smiled before leaving them alone.

"I came to ask you to do me a really big favor. Actually, it's not just for me. It's for Kari and Tai."

Ken sat on his bed, concerned. "Of course, TK. I'd do anything to help."

"Well, it's like this." TK spilled the entire sad tale to Ken. The Child of Kindness listened, nodding at some points, gasping at others, and looking thoughtful the whole time.

"Oh my. I had no idea how serious it got." Ken was a little shocked about Tai trying to kill himself but took it in stride.

"I wanted to know if you would talk to Tai. He's agreed to see you. He refuses to see anyone but his parents and Kari. Oh, and I haven't told Kari exactly why I thought you could help. Just so you know."

Ken waved it off. "It's fine. Of course I'll come and talk to Tai. I know how he must be feeling." He got up and glanced at Wormon. "Sorry, buddy, but maybe you should stay here."

"It's ok, Ken. I was going to invite Veemon over to play Playstation anyway."

Ken smiled. "Thanks Wormon. Let's go, TK."

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Back at the hospital, Kari was waiting for them outside Tai's room.

"Thanks for coming Ken." She gave him a big hug, which he returned whole-heartedly.

"I just want to help."

She pulled away and put her hand on the doorknob. "I'll warn you, Ken, you're in for a shock."

"I know."

"Then follow me." She opened the door and let him in.

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(Ken)

"Tai, Ken is here." Kari said. The figure in the bed turned to stare hollowly at them. He nodded once, and Kari smiled, then left them alone.

Ken, who'd been prepared for the worst, was relieved. Oh, sure, Tai was a lot thinner, and paler than usual, and he looked ill, but Ken didn't feel that ugly Darkness anymore. He realized it had been Kari's Light that had defeated it.

"Hello, Tai." Ken said softly, walking around the bed and pulling up a chair. "Thanks for letting me see you."

Tai shrugged.

"I don't know if what I have to say will make a difference, Tai. But I hope you'll listen anyway." Ken took a deep breath and said, "I'm in love with Davis."

Tai blinked and stared at him. He scribbled something on a piece of paper and Ken read it. "Ooooookaaaaaay."

Ken smiled. "Yeah. I know. It's funny isn't it? Both of us in love with our best friends, too afraid to tell them because we fear loosing their friendship."

Tai scribbled something again. "At least Davis is still your friend. Matt doesn't want to be friends anymore."

"That's not true Tai. Oh, go ahead and shake your head. I know you won't believe me if I tell you that. The only one who can convince you that he still is your friend is Matt."

Tai looked panicked and his heart monitor beeped faster.

"Hey! Relax Tai. I'm not saying you need to see him right now, okay?" Ken got up and sat next to Tai on the bed. "There. That's it. Relax." Ken took his hand and Tai gripped it with surprising strength.

"You probably know how much you're worrying everyone. Kari, your parents, TK, all of us Digidestined. And yes, that does include Matt." Ken held up a hand. "I know, I know. You don't believe it. Well, like it or not, it's the truth. Tai, you're our leader, our friend, a brother, and so much more to us. Yet you're here, in a hospital, giving up on something more important than just your team and friends. You're giving up on yourself. The Tai I know would never give up - has never given up. The Tai I know is a fighter and is an awful lot like my Davis - though Davis hasn't learned the fine art of diplomacy yet."

Tai gave a dry chuckle. Hey, he couldn't argue with it could he?

Ken smiled. "We want you back, Tai. And, though it might be a little selfish of me, I want you back because knowing you are going through what I am helps me cope and I don't feel so alone anymore." A single tear trailed down his cheek. Tai's expression softened and he smiled - a real, genuine Tai smile. He raised an arm and wiped the tear gently away. Then he picked up his pencil and began scribbling.

"Thanks Ken. I guess my little sister does know what's good for me." Ken gave a watery laugh. "And you're right. About everything. I had given up. But I'm willing to try again if you'll help me." Ken's head snapped up and he grinned.

"Hey, I'll help you if you help me."

"Sure, why not?" Tai wrote. "My first step in this newly formed alliance is to offer you some advice - tell him how you feel. Don't make the same mistakes I did."

"But…"

"Ah! I'm not done. If you're worried about how he'll react to you being gay then let me reassure you - don't be. Oh, hell, Davis is going to kill me anyway. He's gay too. Well, bi anyway." Ken gaped at him in astonishment.

"How'd you know about that?"

"Well, after all the time he spent trying to catch Kari's attention, it was pretty obvious he liked girls. But…uh…"

"Tai…what? Keep going."

"Just don't freak out on me alright? It happened a long time ago and it didn't mean anything. I just did it because he asked me to."

"Tai." Ken cut him off, beginning to get suspicious. "Just spit it out already."

"He asked me to give him his first kiss and I did." Tai dropped the pencil and eyed Ken warily.

Ken thought about it for a moment, then sighed. "Well, I guess I can't blame him. It is typical Davis after all. He looks up to you for everything else - why not that, too?"

Tai picked up his pencil. "I'm glad you see it that way. Honestly though, I don't know what the problem was. He's a natural." Tai blinked at what he'd written, then gave Ken a sheepish, apologetic grin. "Sorry. Didn't mean to write that."

Ken just laughed. "No, it's fine. I can put that away marked as 'useful information.'"

They grinned at each other.

"Okay. Well since we're starting this alliance off already, I guess it's' my turn. Let TK come in and see you. He loves you, you know. You're practically another older brother, after all."

Tai frowned. "I don't know…"

"Trust me. If not for yourself, then for Kari and TK. And when your feeling a bit better, I can bring Davis to see you. And Sora."

"Sora. I'm not angry with her, but…"

"You're still a little jealous of the fact that she had Matt's attention for so long." Ken nodded. "I get that."

Tai sighed. Ken waited patiently for him to think about it. Finally, Tai scribbled. "Ok. I'll see TK. But just him and you for now."

Ken nodded. "You got it. You want me to get him now?"

"Please. Before I chicken out."

"Oh please. You're the Child of Courage, Tai. You don't chicken out." Ken flashed him a grin and headed for the door. "I'll be right back."

He went out and closed the door behind him. TK and Kari looked up, anxiously.

"Well?" TK asked.

"Is he okay?" Kari was trembling. Ken smiled and took her hands in his.

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Caitlin: Ha! Cliffie!

Kali: groans.

Zoe: R/R! And as always:

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Lyrics for "Memory" from "Cats"

Lyrics: Trevor Nunn after TS Eliot

Music: ALW

Midnight, not a sound from the pavement

Has the moon lost her memory?

She is smiling alone.

In the lamplight

The withered leaves collect at my feet

And the wind begins to moan.

Memory; all alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

Life was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

Every street lamp seems to beat a fatalistic warning

Someone mutters and the street lamp gutters

And soon it will be morning.

Daylight - I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life and I mustn't give in

When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days

The stale cold smell of morning

The street lamp dies another night is over

Another day is dawning

Touch me, it's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory of my days in the sun

If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is

Look a new day has begun.