Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Relapse ❯ The Relapse ( One-Shot )

Relapse, A digimon Fanfic by Peacekeeper.

DISCLAIMER: Really, you should read my general disclaimer, "The Ultimate Disclaimer." But, here's the standard rundown:

This is Digimon Yaoi/Shounen-ai and deals with rape, molestation, and also homosexual romance. I would suggest turning back now if you do not wish to read about these issues.

Due to the nature of this fic, I would like to take the time to say that I do not condone or participate in any of the actions performed by the characters of this fic. If you feel you can associate a little too much with Ken in this fic, please call a crisis number. Now.

As always, I don't own anything in this fic, other than the basic idea for the fic. And if you catch me in a dark corner, I'll deny owning that, too.

Props go out to Vain for Beta work and my corruption, and Kinslayer's work for making me twisted enough to write this. Ohh...and to Herongale in general for being one kick-ass person. :-)

That being said, please read and review, don't sue.

------Relapse------

There was a flash of light, and the sounds of tires squealing. A sickening crashing sound followed, and then Ken became numb to the world around him.

In the span of a few moments, Ken became frightened as he ran across the crosswalk and stalled in the path of an oncoming car with the look of a deer caught in headlights. Osamu, seeing his precious brother in imminent danger, burst out onto the street and pushed Ken out of the way of the speeding van, saving the younger Ichijouji. The elder hadn't been so lucky.

For the longest time, Ken's nights were plagued by images of Osamu's broken and torn body lying lifeless in the middle of the traffic square, now functionless blood seeping from the body that had been alive mere moments before. The image of his beloved oniisan thrown halfway across the intersection like a rag doll continued to stare back at Ken at night.

And that was if he was fortunate enough to avoid falling asleep. When he slept, the dreams were far more intense.

~ ~ ~

Ken and Daisuke walked along the embankment quietly, neither daring to break the silence that had descended between them.

I don't get it, Daisuke thought as he inspected the ground going past his feet. One minute, Ken can be the nicest person ever, but the next minute it's like he's still the Kaiser...like he just doesn't care about anything...or anyone.

The thought chilled him. He had finally begun to break through Ken's outer shell and find the true beauty within the strange young man. Dai, if he had been a more poetic person, might have considered Ken like a flower with a beautiful bud, and under the right conditions the protective bud would open to expose an even more beautiful flower. That is, if Dai were a poetic person, which he was not.

He was still trying to figure out what he had said wrong. All he had asked was what Ken's family was like, since Ken never seemed to speak about them. In fact, it was almost suspicious how Ken never brought up his family at all and would avoid the topic of conversation at all costs. While Daisuke's family life wasn't great, at least he occasionally talked about it. Ken would turn frigid at the mention of his family.

Daisuke gently placed his arm around Ken's shoulders, testing to see if Ken would shrug the arm away. "I'm sorry...I don't know what I said that upset you, but I'm sorry."

Ken merely accepted the arm meekly, too engrossed in his own thoughts to make the effort to get away from Daisuke's presence. He understood the boy's interest in getting to know more about Ken, but he just couldn't talk about him. It was too painful to even consider. "It's alright, Dai-kun. I'm just sensitive about my family at times." But how could I ever explain to you what he did to me? How he hurt me?

~ ~ ~

In the brief, painful moments following the accident, Ken knelt by his brother's side, gently cradling his brother's deformed head and pleading with the older boy.

"Oniisan...I'm sorry...please don't leave me!"

Over and over again, Ken's plaintive voice cried in the middle of the intersection, holding onto his brother's torn and broken body as if his efforts could keep his brother from slipping away from him.

When the paramedics came they tried desperately to separate Ken from his brother's body, but all attempts failed. It was more of a moot point by the time they got there, anyway - almost all of Osamu's blood had spread across the pavement of the intersection, and there just wasn't enough left in the boy's arteries to circulate to keep him alive. That was, if his heart had still been beating, which it had ceased to do almost immediately after the impact.

Strangers crowded the sidewalks, watching Ken cradle the broken body of his brother and wail. "Oniisan, please don't leave me!"

~ ~ ~

The dreams had started again a few weeks earlier, around the same time Myotismon had given the children their visions of what was supposed to be their deepest desire. If Ken's vision had been his deepest desire, he knew there was more wrong to him than his past as the Digimon Kaiser.

The vision had been so intense that Ken had wanted to succumb to it completely. He saw himself destroyed at the hands of the digimon he had tortured so violently, and then his counterpart in the vision disintegrated like any of the digimon Ken had destroyed during his tenure as the Kaiser.

If it hadn't been for Osamu's voice in the vision, Ken would have thought it was just a nightmare. With Osamu there, it was hell all over again.

His brother's smiling countenance greeted Ken, and all over again, the hell that had been his childhood errupted inside Ken's mind. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to be the one on the stake in the desert being obliterated by the digimon.

He wanted to escape, and Daisuke had been the one to provide it. And they had started dating right afterwards.

Now anything could--and would--trigger the visions. A the reflection of light off of a window suddenly opened; the sound of a car's brakes or tires whining as they came to a sudden stop. Even the crimson red of traffic lights brought back visions of the intersection stained with the blood of Ken's precious oniisan.

And so for the second time in his life, Ken found himself unable--unwilling--to succumb to sleep. Sleep brought no rest, as his visions were more intense in the calm of night than in the bustle of day. Instead of sleeping Ken had taken to typing out what the shattered voices of his emotions dictated to him.

It seemed only logical; the "perfect" Ichijouji Ken could never show any outward signs of inner turmoil; he wasn't allowed. He couldn't scream or shout or punch things since even at home he had to maintain that perfect persona that the Tokyo society had seen for almost three years. No, the only outlet he had was to watch the words appear on the screen in front of him and read quietly the pages of his own torn soul.

"I'm a lie. I'm nothing."

"It doesn't matter if I live or die."

"No one cares if I live or die."

"People only care about me because I'm a celebrity."

"Mother and Father only care about me because I bring them money."

"I am nothing."

"I am a lie."

"I have no future."

"Oniisan was the true genius."

"I am nothing without oniisan."

For pages and pages Ken would type frantically trying to find what his soul was missing. Anything to be able to be whole again. Yet the more and more he stared at the words that leaked out onto the digital document in front of him, the more he hated himself and the more he wanted to write. It was a steeply descending spiral, turning his life into a whirling vortex with no escape. No: one escape. Only one escape.

"I wish I were dead."

~ ~ ~

For some time after they had started going out, Daisuke had been trying to get to know the boy he had fallen so in love with. Every time he tried to understand what made Ken who he was, though, ended with Ken turning frigid. Something in his past had destroyed a piece of Ken and it bothered Daisuke that he couldn't find out what it was.

Granted, Daisuke was not typically what people would consider a bright person. However, he did know when something was bothering a friend and he didn't want to lose Ken to whatever was eating away at him.

Ken, on the other hand, didn't want to lose Daisuke to the same thing; the memories that he had been trying to repress.

"I'm sorry, Dai-kun..."

Daisuke was startled as Ken's voice disturbed the quiet that had settled around them. Even more, he was surprised to hear Ken apologize. "Sorry for what, Ken?

"For..." Ken struggled to find the words. He knew what he needed to say - what he had to say - but he couldn't seem to drudge up the strength. He felt so good when he was around Daisuke, but something from his past was telling him it was wrong. Something long nestled in his memories, but he couldn't quite figure it out.

"I don't think we should see each other again."

Daisuke's heart nearly stopped as the words reached him. I don't think we should see each other again? The words made his blood run cold. "Ken, what are you talking about?"

As he looked at Ken's face, Daisuke saw something in his lover's eyes that he had never seen before. The urge to cry. Ken looked like the only thing he wanted at that moment was to feel free to cry, and the idea seemed to scare Ken. Daisuke moved to embrace Ken, but the taller boy pushed him away before he got the chance.

"I'm sorry..." Ken mumbled as Daisuke fell backwards onto the ground, looking at his boyfriend with a stunned expression. "I'm sorry..."

Before Daisuke could gather his senses together again, Ken turned and sprinted away, leaving a bewildered Daisuke sitting on the grass. Great. How have I fucked up this time?

~ ~ ~

About a year before the accident, Osamu had begun to change. Ken never knew what had happened to Osamu that cold April night after another one of Osamu's press engagements, but when Osamu had come home he was different. He was evil after that night.

Ken and Osamu never had what most people would think of as a normal sibling relationship. Osamu wasn't stable. He fluctuated between intense love for his brother and utter hatred for Ken, and Ken always knew which mood Osamu was in.

When Osamu was in a bad mood, he would tell Ken what kind of horribly ignorant piece of trash their parents had brought into the world. After verbally abusing Ken, he would beat the child until Ken would admit to any horror Osamu wanted, just to make the pain stop.

When Osamu was in a good mood, he would take Ken to a secluded part of the park and dress the boy up in leaves and flower petals. He would make Ken strip down to his underwear and shower him with flowers and other little pretty things.

When Osamu was in either mood, it always ended unfavorably.

Before that bitter April night, either extreme was rare. Osamu, for the most part, didn't pay Ken any attention, and Ken preferred it that way. If he were having a particularly stressful week, though, he would either become "Good" Osamu or "Bad" Osamu. As "Good" Osamu, he would sneak into Ken's room with a small bag when their parents weren't around and play with Ken.

Ken hated to be played with the way "Good" Osamu wanted to play with him. "Good" Osamu always wanted to make Ken into a beautiful girl, and would force Ken into dresses and have him parade around the room. He would tell the boy what a beautiful girl Ken was, and then he and Osamu would play a little game he called "Rub it."

Ken hated to play "Rub it." It was always the same. After seeing his brother prance around the room in whatever dress he had found, Osamu would gradually become more and more enthusiastic, until he told Ken they were going to play that game. Osamu would pull out his erection, and Ken would have to play with it every which way until "the magical flute released its white notes." That's what Osamu had told Ken. Ken never heard of a flute that played by rubbing it.

After playing the game, Osamu would lean over and whisper to Ken. "I'm the only one who's allowed to make you happy, Ken. Ever." Then Osamu would undress Ken and leave the room.

A few minutes later, when Ken was sure Osamu was locked away in his own room, Ken would slip into the bathroom and vomit.

~ ~ ~

After years following the accident, Ken still loved Osamu in the same way; complete and total revulsion.

He made it about 500 meters away from Daisuke on every twisting trail he could find within a few minutes. Feeling relatively sure the dense foliage he was in could conceal him, he threw up. He kept vomiting until he was sure there was nothing left in his stomach, the way he had vomited years ago after Osamu had made him play that game.

I'm the only one who's allowed to make you happy, Ken. Ever.

Osamu's demonic words still haunted Ken, years after the accident that had finally liberated Ken from the evil devices of his brother.

~ ~ ~

Daisuke still searched around the park an hour later, trying to find Ken. He couldn't understand what he had done wrong that could make Ken feel so strongly. But he knew he had somehow fucked up, he always fucked up. It was always his fault.

When he had been much younger, he had learned that no matter what happened in his household, it was always Daisuke's fault. It wasn't that he was beaten or told that he was worthless. It was just the complete silence of his household that told Daisuke that he would never be worth anything.

The only person who talked to him as a child was his sister, Jun. That's how he knew he was wrong. Any time something would happen in the house, no matter how it started, Jun would always scream out that Daisuke had been the cause. Then their mother's voice would cut through the thin walls of the house, reprimanding Daisuke. It wasn't that she screamed or called Daisuke anything mean that had taught him that he was always wrong. It was the cold, disappointed sound of her voice that did it. Whenever Jun decided to get at Daisuke, she would call on their parents, knowing Daisuke would have no chance for a defense.

The flickering sunlight filtering through the trees in the park warmed Daisuke's skin. It also warmed his soul, reminding him of the slight good that had come out of his childhood. By the incessant coldness in his house, Daisuke had learned that he could survive on his own. He learned to make noise to push away the coldness of his family's silence. Sure, at times it pissed people off, but it was better than succumbing to the silent death of his apartment.

His sudden rediscovery of the truth of who he was reenergized Daisuke in his goal at hand; finding Ken and apologizing for whatever he had done wrong. I know what it's like to not want to talk about family, Daisuke thought as he redoubled his efforts to find Ken. But I'm here for Ken now, and I'm not going to let anyone hurt him.

~ ~ ~

Ken sat for a long time in the shade of the trees in his own secluded grove in the park. He didn't want to be found. Ken didn't want him to find Ken.

It was a cold the night Osamu had come back with that dark shine in his eyes. No one else seemed to notice the darkness that irradiated from Osamu's whole body. No one, except for Ken.

That night, Osamu had snuck into Ken's room after their parents went to bed. He woke Ken up and dragged the young boy from his bed to the floor.

"What have you been doing, Ken?"

His brother's voice caused shivers up and down Ken's spine. He stared at his brother blankly. "Oniisan?"

That's when he saw it. Osamu's eyes no longer had the soft shine to them that Ken had always associated with sanity. It was gone. Whatever happened to Osamu that evening, it had broken something within Ken's older brother. It had broken his soul.

"What have you been doing, Ken? Have you been going outside without me?"

Ken shook his head slightly, trying to contain the fear that was welling up within his tiny heart. Even when "Bad" Osamu came out, it was never this fierce or unwarranted. The younger boy was terrified, but he knew he couldn't let it show.

"Have you been reading my books without me, Ken? Have you been trying to be smart?"

The smaller boy crouched lower to the floor and tried to edge his way away from his brother. "No, oniisan..."

There wasn't anything that had provoked Osamu. Ken had spent the majority of the day in his room, and couldn't have done anything to warrant Osamu's fury. The older boy was just looking for a reason to punish Ken. Seeing the smaller boy try to creep away from Osamu was all the reason he needed.

"DAMNIT KEN, HAVEN'T I TOLD YOU NOT TO RUN AWAY FROM ME?"

Before Ken could react, Osamu grabbed Ken by his pajamas shirt and flung him across the room. He landed in a heap across the room with his back exposed to Osamu's fury. Fearing what was to come, Ken pulled himself into the tightest ball he could form.

Osamu crossed the room with a few strong steps and glared at his brother. He pulled Ken's shirt up and pulled out the item Ken had begun to associate with his brother's insanity and power; the whip. As Ken heard the soft sound of the tip of the leather whip touch the floor, he tensed further. He knew what was about to happen, and he just wanted Osamu to finish fast. The faster Osamu finished, the sooner Ken could go to throw up.

The older boy wasn't going to let Ken off easily. He whipped Ken a few times as hard as he could, then would wait for a few seconds for Ken to think the pain was over. When he knew that Ken's muscles had begun to relax and the stinging sensation had stopped, he would whip Ken again, all the while talking--shouting--between the beatings. Ken whimpered and sobbed after each brutal impact of the leather.

"YOU LITTLE...*crack*...WORTHLESS PIECE...*crack*...OF SHIT. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. DO YOU THINK...*crack* YOU'RE WORTH ANYTHING? *crack* YOU SHOULD HAVE... *crack* BEEN BORN...*crack* A GIRL....THEN I COULD REALLY HAVE FUN...*crack* WITH YOU."

All the while, Ken tried not to listen. He tried not to hear what Osamu was shouting at him. He tried not to feel the searing pain across the skin of his back. But he just couldn't tune out the sound of the whip scorching across his tender back, or the horrible screaming noise that was coming from his own mouth.

It wasn't a new punishment, nor was the lecture new. He had heard it before. Osamu constantly told Ken what how worthless he was, how he was an idiot and didn't deserve to live. And under all of the words, Ken could still hear something. A colder, more demented voice underneath all of his brother's angry words that told Ken there was a reason for his beatings, but he didn't understand the voice.

The first time the whippings had happened, Ken had tried to scream out. That only angered Osamu more. He had mercilessly beaten Ken with the whip and stinging the younger boy with his merciless sentences, punctuated by the cracking of the whip. "YOU REALLY THINK THEY CARE ABOUT YOU? DADDY TOLD ME TO DO THIS TO YOU! THEY WANT YOU TO LEARN THE WAY I LEARNED!"

That first night, Ken had learned not to cry out. The next day, when Ken's father and mother noticed the lacerations on his back, Osamu's father smiled softly at the other boy with a look of pride in his eyes. Osamu's mother looked with mixed emotions between her husband and her youngest son, but didn't speak. That's when Ken knew that he didn't have an escape within the house. That's when Ken succumbed to his brother completely.

Osamu's tirade against Ken took the better part of a half an hour. When it was over, Ken gently pulled down his shirt and turned to face the exhausted Osamu. The older boy's face was flushed with effort and glazed with sweat, but there was still life in his features. Normally, Ken was used to his brother's face being completely relaxed at the end of the beatings. This time though, Osamu's face was twisted into a cruel and sadistic grimace of pride. There was no soul left in Osamu's expressions.

For a moment, Osamu stood transfixed while he looked at Ken's slight movements on the ground. He loved Ken, and at that moment he realized he must prove his love to Ken.

"Get up," he snarled, and Ken looked up in fear.

"Oniisan?"

"Get up, Ken-chan. I have a present for you."

Knowing full well the repercussions of not obeying his brother, Ken stood up. As he did, he noticed the swelling in Osamu's pajama pants. Normally, that bulge meant they were going to play "Rub it." But Ken knew that "Rub it" was a game played sitting down, and not when he had been beaten so furiously. He trembled as he looked at his brother.

As Ken stood, he felt Osamu's hands on his shoulders. They were no longer the cold, brutal hands that had swung the whip, but rather firm and guiding hands. The hands turned Ken around, and guided him to leaning position on the desk. Something inside Ken knew this was wrong, but he didn't question oniisan. No one questioned oniisan in the Ichijouji residence. Never.

"This is going to hurt a little, Ken..." Osamu whispered as he tugged Ken's pants and underwear down around his knees. The cold air around Ken's exposed parts made him feel even more afraid than Osamu's "present."

Osamu pulled out his engorged penis and ran his finger over the tip, picking up some of the moisture that had accumulated on the tip. After looking at it for a moment, he then put the finger in Ken's mouth. "Doesn't it taste good?"

Ken could feel his stomach churning as he felt the urge to vomit. He pushed it back, and tried not to think of the bitter, salty taste in his mouth. It was only when Osamu pulled his finger out of Ken's mouth that when the pain really started.

A whipping would have felt better than the next sensations to assault Ken's body. He felt his anus expand painfully around his brother's erect penis. The sensation caused him to tense the muscle more, causing even more pain. Just when Ken was beginning to get used to his brother's presence in him, Osamu began to thrust back and forth. The thrusting without lubrication caused Ken even more pain, as Osamu's cock was tearing the tender lining of Ken's nether regions.

"Oniisan...please.... stop..." Ken whimpered as Osamu continued to thrust his hips into Ken's body and then pull away a moment later.

"No, Ken...this is my gift to you. Don't you understand how precious this is? I love you, Ken. I love you. That's why I'm doing this for you. This is the only way we can be together..."

After what felt like an eternity, Osamu finally ejaculated, deep into Ken's rectum. When he pulled out, Ken felt like collapsing from the sheer pain and disgusting feelings emanating from around his ass. He turned around to see Osamu wiping a horrific combination of red and white fluid off of his penis with tissues, then throwing the tissues into the wastebasket. When Osamu noticed Ken watching, the fury returned and Osamu backhanded Ken with all of his might.

"You little fucking whore," Osamu snarled. "You breathe one word of this to anyone, and I'll fucking kill you."

After Osamu left, Ken snuck into the bathroom to wash himself. He threw up twice, and tried to scrub away around where he had been violated, but still felt dirty for weeks after the incident.

~ ~ ~

The first night Osamu had brought the whip into the room, Ken hadn't known what it was for. It looked somewhat like the jumpropes that he saw kids playing with around the neighborhood, but heavier and with only one handle.

"Oniisan, what's that?"

Ken didn't notice the grimace on his brother's face. He didn't notice how tense Osamu's grip around the whip had been. All he saw was the whip, and his childhood curiousity hadn't yet realized the dangers presented by the woven strands of leather.

"It's a special toy, Ken-chan." Osamu bit the words out, a dangerous undercurrent running through his words as Osamu tried not to succumb to his own memories. He was going to make some memories for Ken. "Daddy used to use it with me when I was little. He used to use it to teach me."

The younger boy didn't notice the cruel sound in his brother's voice but instead became fascinated with the black whip in his brother's hands. "Oniisan, are you going to show me how to play with it?"

Osamu nodded slowly, his mouth twisting up into a grin. "Yes, Ken. I'm going to show you how to use it. And Ken-chan, it may hurt now, but one day you'll grow to love it, just like I have..."

For years after that night, Ken had tried to forget what had happened the night he first felt the whip bite his skin. He knew that Osamu had lifted up his shirt, and then there came the whistling sound as the whip streaked through the air. After that, the crack and Ken's world became nothing but shards of pain. That pain was one of the things Ken never forgot about the night. That, and the date.

April 23.

On the three year anniversary of Osamu's death--five years exactly after the whip had first appeared--Ken had a sudden urge to find out what had moved his brother to pull out the whip that night. He broke the lock on his brother's dusty journal, and looked up April 23 of that year.

April 23. Daddy pulled it out tonight. I thought he had gotten rid of it years ago, but he still had it. Just looking at the whip made my skin hurt again, and he made sure that I would remember the pain. After he had whipped me, he told me that I could have the whip.

"This is the whip your grandfather used to train me, Osamu. Someday, I hope you'll use it to train your children..."

It hurt so much, but it still felt right. It was refreshing to know that I'm not perfect. To know that Daddy still loved me. He told me that Mommy wouldn't be out of town tonight, and that I should try the whip out... Not that Mommy would ever say anything against Daddy or me.

The words on the page were cold and lifeless, staring up at Ken the same way Osamu had moments after the car had driven the life out of him. Ken flipped further into the journal, a morbid curiousity taking control of his hands.

The pages stopped moving when they came to a bookmarked page; one year after Osamu had first beaten Ken with the whip. The day Osamu came back with the evil shine in his eyes.

April 23. Last night, daddy beat me. He said that if I didn't work harder, I would never accomplish anything. He said I'd bring dishonor to the family. He whipped me until my back felt like it was tearing open.

All I had said to the writer was that I didn't care for childish games, and that the only real hobby I had was Ken. Daddy said that it sounded sick when I said it. He said that it was wrong for me to love Ken. He said I was evil.

Today I left the apartment and bumped into one of daddy's coworkers, Oiwkawa I think his name was. He told me he knew how to make me feel better. He took me to this small office and...and...I don't remember what he did. Something pricked the back of my neck, and then everything was clear for the first time. I knew what I had to do, how I had to keep Ken for myself. . .

Ken had slammed the book closed and threw it back into the drawer it had come from. He never touched that cursed book again.

~ ~ ~

Curling up on the ground, Ken could almost hear Osamu approaching. The soft rustle of leaves as someone made the way through the brush to the small clearing that Ken now curled up in. His heart beat faster and faster as the steps approached.

"Ken-kun?"

Don't say a word. If I don't speak, he can't find me. If I don't speak, he won't find me. Just be calm. Don't say a word, he doesn't know where I am. Don't move. Just lie still. If I don't speak, he can't find me. If I don't speak, he can't see me. I'm invisible. He told me so.

Millions of short bursts of sound and image shot through Ken's mind. All of the faces were Osamu's. All of the sounds were his voice.

"YOU'RE WORTHLESS!"

"YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN!"

"YOU WERE A MISTAKE!"

"YOU'RE INVISIBLE."

That's right, I'm invisible. You told me so, oniisan. I'm invisible. You can't see me.

"There you are, Ken! I've been looking all over for you!"

Ken's blood ran cold and he turned to look at the source of the voice. Through the shadows of his fears, the voice and the image that greeted him both belonged to his brother.

"NOOOOO! YOU'RE DEAD! LEAVE ME ALONE!" screamed Ken and he quickly sprinted out of the grove to escape the image of his brother.

~ ~ ~

For a moment, Daisuke was terribly confused by what happened in the span of a less than a minute. He had been searching all through the park, and had finally seen a small cluster of trees and noticed some footprints leading up to it. This astute observation made Daisuke very proud, as normally he wouldn't have noticed such things if it weren't for his desperation to find Ken.

He'll be so proud of me later when I tell him how I found him in the brush, he thought with a great amount of satisfaction.

As he approached the clearing he could hear heavy breathing. Normally, he would have turned around for fear that he had stumbled across a couple making the most of the secluded spot. Just as he was about to turn around, though, he noticed Ken curled up into the fetal position and pressed onward.

"There you are, Ken! I've been looking all over for you!"

Daisuke had originally been smiling when he entered the clearing, but when he saw Ken muttering to himself and the look of horror on his boyfriend's face, Daisuke began to fear what was wrong with Ken.

"NOOOO! YOU'RE DEAD! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

The words chilled and confused Daisuke, leaving him paralyzed as he watched Ken sprint off into the distance through underbrush. He couldn't follow; his brain disconnected by Ken's words.

YOU'RE DEAD! LEAVE ME ALONE! The words rang out in Daisuke's mind as he replayed the moment.

His blood began to chill as Daisuke began to think that he might have lost Ken to Ken. In his confusion and paranoia, Daisuke did something he normally never would have done. He screamed his love at the top of his lungs.

"Ken, come back! I love you!"

The sounds of his words echoed around the park, but no response came but the soft rustling of leaves in the wind.

~ ~ ~

Ken, come back! I love you!

The words echoed in Ken's mind as he fled from his brother. He couldn't think clearly anymore; weeks and months of his brother's sexual assault had worn down his mental powers to the most basic instinct. Survival.

He wasn't surviving in Osamu's presence. In a few years, he would realize that had the situation been voluntary, it would have been masochism. He also would realize that what his brother was doing to him was a signal that he was no longer in full possession of his intellect. If Osamu ever had been fully in possession of his intellect, that is.

What Ken knew then was that he was a scared young boy, and that what his brother was doing to him was very wrong. He no longer feared his brother's punishments; being whipped and beaten was far better than Osamu's "presents." The whippings hurt, but at least Ken didn't feel dirty after being whipped.

The path he was running on, Ken knew well. He had used it many times after that April night when Osamu gave Ken his first "present." Osamu often took Ken to the small clearing he was now fleeing from to dress him up and then rape him.

At times, Ken would be lucky and Osamu would only force Ken to touch Osamu, and then Ken would go off into the bushes and vomit up the sticky white liquid that always tasted better coming up than going down. At least then Ken didn't have the feeling of that liquid inside him where he couldn't get it out.

Today, Ken hadn't been lucky. Osamu had gotten so turned on by Ken's acting as a doll that Osamu demanded to give Ken "the full present." When Ken saw Osamu get distracted by his belt buckle, he tore off into the underbrush, shedding the skirt a few meters beyond the clearing to gain speed.

The sharp branches lashed out and cut at Ken's tender young legs. It still didn't hurt as much as Osamu's whippings, so he continued to run. He guarded the bandage on his right arm just below the elbow, where Osamu had taken a knife and cut Ken's skin to show Ken how ugly he really was on the inside. Osamu had pulled the skin back just far enough that Ken could see the blood and muscle and fat under the skin, and then Osamu had done a makeshift job stitching Ken back together. The gash still hurt a week after that incident, and as he ran he tried not to tear open the bandage.

Ken didn't know where he was running. He didn't care anymore. He was just trying to escape from his insane brother. In reality, which Ken was vehemently denying as he ran, he had no place to run to. His parents didn't realize Ken existed until he did something wrong. When he did something wrong, the beatings ensued, but they didn't hurt. His skin had become so calloused to Osamu's vicious abuse that his parents, who didn't have as much experience as Osamu, couldn't inflict pain. Ken merely feigned the pain he knew he should be feeling, and his parents would leave feeling satisfied that they had punished him.

Now Ken ran without a direction, without a goal. He had been told all his life that he was pathetic, that he was worthless, that he would never achieve anything. He ran like a boy possessed, and refused to succumb to the voices that continually played in his mind. His goal became escape, and he wouldn't let the voices keep him from that goal. If he would fail, he would fail on his own.

And he did. After nearly 300 meters of sprinting through the underbrush in an attempt to escape his brother, his foot caught on a branch and twisted. Ken went flying and rolled down into a slight valley, with nowhere left to run to. He was lost. And trapped.

When he looked up, his brother was already on top of him and furious. Ken winced, knowing what was coming.

"You little brat! How dare you do that to me!"

Osamu's hand whipped down and across Ken's face in the blink of an eye and Ken's head turned with it. He had begun to learn that if he relaxed his neck and let Osamu's hand push it, it hurt less. Anything to make the pain less, Ken had learned.

"You little shit. Don't you realize you're worthless? Don't you realize that NO ONE GIVES A SHIT IF YOU DIE?"

Ken blinked as he listened to Osamu. No one gives a shit if I die... There was something so invigorating in those words. It was an escape route. Freedom was given to him in one sentence from the brother he so hated. The revelation almost made him cry.

"Why couldn't you have been born a girl? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE BORN A GUY? IF YOU WERE A GIRL, I WOULD BE ABLE TO FUCK YOU LIKE A GUY SHOULD FUCK! But I still love you, Ken. That's why I'm going to fuck you even though you disobeyed me. I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before!"

The minutes that followed were blurry for Ken. He knew that Osamu yanked off his pants, and that Osamu had been in such a hurry that Ken's underwear was torn into pieces. He remembered the sound of Osamu's zipper sliding down, and the feel of Osamu's cock forcing its way into Ken's ass, and the slightly numbed feeling of Osamu thrusting in and out of Ken.

Yet somehow, this time it no longer hurt. Ken no longer cared about the alternating curses and exclamations of love. He no longer cared about Osamu saying how dearly he wished Ken had been born a girl so they could do things "the way they were meant to be." This time, the only thing he heard was what Osamu had told him. "No one gives a shit if you die."

And for the first time, when Osamu pumped his semen deep into Ken, the boy no longer felt the need to vomit. He knew he had found an escape.

~ ~ ~

Daisuke had been sitting in the grove for a good half an hour while he tried to collect his thoughts on Ken. He loved Ken, but Ken was pushing him away. For some reason, Ken was running away from Dai, and he had no idea what was causing Ken's reactions.

"I don't get it! What's wrong with him? All I did was ask him about his family, and he turns cold and runs away. Then he says I'm dead, and runs away again. What's wrong with him?"

Not knowing much about human nature or psychology, Daisuke tried to put the situation into the best context he could find: horror movies.

As he sat and tried to think, a gradual idea came to Daisuke. He remembered a movie where a guy had flashbacks to his childhood, and how he endured abuse as a child, and how that made him act the way he did. This finally clicked with what Daisuke was seeing in Ken, and he felt a new wave of sorrow as he got up and ran after Ken.

He doesn't talk about his family because he was abused, Daisuke thought. He's just like that guy in that weird piano movie. I'm not letting Ken's past steal him from me, though. I will not lose Ken.

~ ~ ~

Ken slowed down and stopped at the intersection. He looked at it and remembered the last time he had been walking near there.

It was a busy intersection, near the park where Osamu used to take Ken to dress him up and then rape him. The same park Ken now emerged from. As he stood there, looking at the crosswalk, things began to click like they had four years earlier.

No one cares if I die. That had been Ken's mantra for the months following his attempted escape from his brother. He gradually came up with a plan. It sounded reasonable. It would look like an accident. It was flawless.

He gradually began to figure out Osamu's pattern for taking Ken to the park. He knew that Osamu always carefully planned when to go to the park, where to go, and how long to stay. That way, they would go in before the evening rush hour, he would rape Ken during the rush hour when there were fewer people in the park and the noise of passing cars would drown out Ken's occasional screams, and they would leave as rush hour ended.

If Ken could praise Osamu for anything, it was his meticulous nature. That was what Ken gradually adopted.

Somewhere in the recesses of his eight year-old mind Ken began to study his brother's meticulousness. He watched how Osamu worked things out and why Osamu did certain things. At the same time, Ken began to take note of the paths through the park and how to get out of the park the fastest from where Osamu took Ken. After nearly three months of planning, he was ready.

That April day was going to be a special day for Ken, as Osamu told him. It was their anniversary; one year to the day after Osamu had given his virginity to Ken that cold night. Osamu had told Ken the plans for the day well in advance; they would go to the park in the afternoon, appropriately commemorate the day, then go back to the apartment and Ken would be allowed to wear the dress Osamu had made for Ken. Then, they would have a honeymoon of sorts, and that would be their special day.

Ken realized he wouldn't have another chance. While far from flawless, his eight year-old rational was good enough to realize that this was his best chance to escape from Osamu. And he was ready.

When they got to the park, Osamu tried something new. He kissed Ken, full on the lips. This was a brand new aspect of his brother's repertoire, and it stunned Ken. As Osamu continued to press his lips against Ken's, the boy felt his brother's tongue pressing past his lips and forcing the way into his mouth, and working its way around. Ken finally pushed Osamu away, feeling dirtier than ever before.

"Ken-chan, what's wrong? Don't you love me? That's what people in love do..."

For a moment Ken's loyalty to his plan wavered. He knew what Osamu was doing was wrong. But still, he felt guilty for how he felt towards his brother. It was oniisan, after all, who taught Ken how to blow bubbles years before. He didn't hate Osamu; he knew there was nothing more shameful than to hate your brother. He couldn't hate Osamu; he hated himself.

Osamu straddled Ken as he saw Ken become disconnected from the world into the world of thoughts. He leaned in and gently kissed Ken, waking him from his reverie. "I love you, Ken."

The turmoil of emotions in Ken's mind wouldn't stop. He looked up at Osamu and then noticed his one chance. Osamu was vulnerable now--by straddling Ken, he was leaving himself open to attack--and Ken knew this was his last chance. Using ever ounce of energy he could, Ken lifted his leg up as hard as possible and kicked Osamu square between the legs, toppling the older boy.

As soon as Osamu hit the ground, he began to curse at Ken, but couldn't grab at him as both of Osamu's arms were holding onto the locus of pain between his legs. Ken jumped to his feet and sprinted out of the clearing, to where he thought the road to be.

While Ken ran, he began to hear feet scrambling to catch up with him. This was his only chance, and Ken ran faster than he had ever run before. He ran to where he heard the sounds of the cars at the road beyond the park, and put all of his energy into running towards that sound. He ran faster than he had run the day he tried to escape Osamu and realized the only escape was death. He ran faster than he had ever run in his life, knowing that if he failed the punishment would be severe.

Finally, he came up to the intersection. By the noise behind him, he knew Osamu was closing in behind him. But the time wasn't right yet. Traffic was stopped here, and there was no way he could fulfill his mission. So he sprinted across the street and down the next block. Osamu had now emerged from the brush surrounding the park and was trying to catch up to Ken.

Ken ran to the next intersection and saw his chance. He ran straight across the intersection as the amount of cars slowed slightly. He heard Osamu behind him but no longer cared. He stood and stared at the oncoming rush of cars. Staring at the headlights of the cars rushing towards him, though, Ken felt afraid and uncertain.

And that's when his plan fell apart.

~ ~ ~

Daisuke ran around the park for a several minutes, but couldn't see any traces of Ken. So he walked to the nearest street to the park and walked around. As he walked, he noticed a spot where there were lots of branches broken and leaves scattered onto the sidewalk. Knowing that the park was kept as clean as possible, Daisuke reasoned that either Ken had come through that point, or a bear had.

As he looked around the area around the road for some clue of what direction Ken had run in, he felt something. It felt almost like when Stingmon and Exveemon had first jogressed into Paildramon, when his heartbeat and Ken's had become linked. Now, he could feel Ken's heart beat again, and it was pounding away.

Ken's in trouble...his heart...it feels like it's going to explode.

Daisuke held his chest for a moment, trying to calm his own heart. An idea suddenly occurred to him as he leaned over and tried to calm his own heart; if he could feel Ken's heart maybe his own heart could lead him to where Ken was.

Ken, where are you? he wondered as he moved around slightly to feel where the attraction to Ken's own heart was strongest. After a few moments of stumbling around and groping his chest, Daisuke felt reasonably sure of Ken's direction and began to run towards the violet-eyed boy.

Hold on, Ken. I'm on my way, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you.

~ ~ ~

Ken stood in the middle of the road, and looked at the van bearing down on him. His heartbeat quickened, and he began to forget what he was doing in the middle of the street. Before he could think about what was happening, he felt Osamu's hands pushing him the rest of the way across the street to safety. Ken looked back and for the first time in over a year, he saw his brother's face. It had an expression of genuine concern on it, and Ken knew at that moment that Osamu loved Ken. And Ken, in that briefest of moments, loved Osamu.

Then there was the flash of light, and the sounds of tires squealing. The sickening crashing sound followed, and then Ken became numb to the world around him.

~ ~ ~

Ken stood, looking at the crosswalk in front of him. Something had been driving him towards this place all of his life. He had failed here once before, and he wouldn't fail again.

His eyes examined the traffic patterns, and he tried to determine when traffic was moving across the intersection at the fastest possible speed. He knew that in order to do it right, the cars would have to be traveling fast enough that Ken would be killed on impact; he didn't want to end up a vegetable for the rest of his life.

When he felt certain that the timing was right, he ran. There was a lull in the traffic as there had been the first time. He turned and looked at the cars coming towards him, the headlights bearing down on him, and froze.

This time, he heard a new noise behind him and saw his lover running across the crosswalk.

"Keeeennnn!!!" Daisuke's voice sounded slower as it reached Ken, as if sound no longer traveled at the speed of sound but something much slower. In fact, the whole world seemed to slow around that crosswalk as Ken looked around, beginning to realize that his first failure in life was about to repeat itself, and he would lose the only person to truly love him in his life. The only person who had seen Ken as more than a genius or an ace at soccer or the evil Digimon Emperor. He was going to lose the only person in his life who had ever seen Ichijouji Ken as Ichijouji Ken; nothing more, nothing less. And tears began to well up at the corners of his eyes.

Daisuke, for his part, had seen Ken step out into the busy street and somehow knew what Ken was doing. He refused to let Ken die, not like this. Damnit, he thought as he put on a burst of speed that only Ken would have been able to do before that moment, doesn't he realize we're supposed to grow old together?

In his greatest show of speed and strength, Daisuke ran out into the crosswalk as Ken turned and stared with tears in his eyes. The van that was bearing down on them was getting closer, and Daisuke realized there was only one chance.

He ducked low and slammed his shoulder into Ken's solar plexus and wrapped his arm around Ken's legs to hold him, and he half ran half jumped across the remainder of the crosswalk to the safety of the sidewalk as the van flew past, honking furiously.

As the two collapsed on the sidewalk with pedestrians swarming around them, both tried to catch their breath.

"D...D...Daisuke...you...saved..."

Before Ken could finish his words, he felt a searing pain on his cheek as Daisuke slapped him. "Damnit, what the fuck were you thinking?"

Ken stared at Daisuke, blinking slightly. "I guess I wasn't."

"Damn right you weren't thinking. Damnit, I don't want to lose you, Ken. I love you too much. Don't ever do anything like that again."

Tears welled up at the corners of Ken's eyes, and he nodded softly. "I'm sorry...Dai-chan. I'm sorry..."

Daisuke blinked, hearing Ken use "Dai-chan" instead of "Dai-kun." He gently wrapped his arm around Ken's shoulders and held the boy while he sobbed. "It's ok, Ken-chan. It's ok."

~ ~ ~

A few hours later, both were sitting on the balcony of Ken's apartment in Tamachi, drinking green tea from ornate teacups. For a while neither spoke and Ken was contented with the peacefulness that had settled between the two.

"Ken, what happened?"

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

Ken smiled softly at his boyfriend. Daisuke was such a gentle soul, for the most part, and Ken wondered how or why the goggle boy fell in love with him. "Five years ago, my brother began to rape me on a weekly basis. A year after it began, I tried to commit suicide like I did today, but he came to my rescue like you did. But he wasn't as lucky or skilled as you were, and he died."

The shorter boy cringed. "I'm sorry Ken. I shouldn't have asked."

The indigo-haired boy waved an aloof hand. "It's ok. Today I realized that I wasn't the sick one then, Osamu was. I'm just sorry it took me so long to realize."

The smaller boy leaned up against Ken and gently embraced him. "You'll never leave me like that again, will you Ken-chan?"

For a moment, Ken's memories began to engulf him again, but he pushed them back. He knew Daisuke loved him, like Osamu never had. This was love. Osamu was just insane. "No, I'll never leave you Dai-chan."

He closed his eyes to bask for a moment in that thought. I'll never leave you.

At one point in Ken's life, he had thought everyone who had loved him was stolen from him by whatever god chose to punish him for being born. He had lost Osamu, who had given his life for Ken in a single moment of uncharacteristic love. He had lost Wormmon to his own tyranny. And he had come so close to losing Daisuke because of his own foolish notion that his love was wrong, and needed to be destroyed.

These thoughts wound his way through the complicated maze that was Ken's mind until they reached the goal. Ken knew that for the first time in his life he was loving with absolute certainty. His love was pure, and it was a love that broke all boundaries.

Accepting his love for what it meant, he drew himself closer to Daisuke and leaned against the shorter boy's shoulder. Daisuke was startled for a moment and nearly dropped the teacup he was holding; he had never seen Ken be so openly affectionate before. He looked down at Ken's face, finally relaxed into a soft grin, and wrapped his free arm around Ken.

"I love you Ken."

Ken's smile broadened and he knew that his life was finally coming together.

I'm not a lie. Someone does care if I die. Daisuke cares. Daisuke loves me.

He finally proved his own cruel words to be false. But he knew he didn't need to tell Daisuke any of this. It no longer mattered. All that mattered was the person who he was leaning against, and the love they shared.

This feeling--completeness--was what Ken had always been seeking but never knew he wanted. Finally, he knew it had been the driving force behind his conquest of the Digital World and had influenced everything he had done over the last six years. At last he knew that all he had needed was the love he felt at that moment. And all of the lies told to him over the years broke apart.

You were wrong, oniisan. Daisuke loves me, and I love him.

After a moment, Ken reopened his eyes. "Dai-chan, what's today's date?"

Daisuke glanced at Ken, curiosity in his eyes. "It's April 23, Ken-chan. Why?"

"Oh, nothing." Ken replied, looking out to the city beyond. "It's just an anniversary today, that's all."

~ ~ ~

On the same balcony, a four year-old Ken stood waiting for Osamu to come outside. After a few minutes of waiting, Osamu finally came out with a small cup full of soapwater and two small straws.

"We're going to blow bubbles, oniisan?"

Osamu smiled gently at his little brother. "Yes, Ken-chan. We're going to blow bubbles."

For a few hours, Ken and Osamu blew bubbles made up of rainbow colored wishes and dreams that sailed upwards on the April breeze.

"Oniisan, what did you wish for?"

For a moment, Osamu looked in wonder at Ken. Then he smiled. "I wished that you would never know pain, Ken-chan. And that if ever you were hurt, someone would be able to take the pain away."

"I love you, Oniisan."

"I love you too, Ken-chan."