Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Secrets ❯ Chapter 14 ( Chapter 14 )

Chapter 14

There was so much green everywhere. The trees, grass, and various flora brought with them an array of different colors, but still, the unnaturally deep shade of emerald green was prominent.

He had been walking through the forest for what seemed like forever but he could not remember when he had entered. It seemed to him that maybe he was born there and that this ominous emerald green forest, both beautiful and deadly, was his home. It was normal to fall asleep wrapped in thorny vines. It was also normal to be followed and caressed by dark shadows. Yet… if it was normal, why did it feel so very uncomfortable?

He wondered where he was headed as he shifted his heavy backpack and continued to walk down an old road. It was an unkempt road, full of dirt and potholes, but he could deal with that. It was the vines that were impossible to get around. They would shoot out from the trees and lash at him, making him fall and keeping him from going any further.

Still, somehow, he would get past them. He had to keep going. There was something good about getting past the obstacles. He'd lose a shadow, gain some light. But continuing his trip was tiresome as his backpack would increase in weight, becoming heavier and heavier still, making it so very hard to get past the vines that lashed out at him.

He walked on though, through shadows, watching the patches of light that had broken through and adjusting his burden every once in a while to keep it from falling. He didn't know why he carried the pack. He couldn't remember ever opening it or closing it. He had no idea what was inside of it. Still, it got heavier. Heavier with what? He did not know.

It was lonely here. He didn't know why he was so bothered by it. He'd never known anything but loneliness. He'd never been anything but alone.

The shadows moved closer, surrounding him, spinning and laughing. Then everything was closing in on him, not just the shadows. The trees, with their emerald green leaves, seemed to bend over closer to him, blocking out light. It made his legs quiver and give out under him, the weight from his backpack bringing him down faster to the hard, cold ground. And he sat there, rocking slowly with his hands covering his head, waiting for it all to end, waiting for everything to turn back to some semi-balance of normal.

"Do you need a hand?"

He didn't look right away. It took him some time to understand what he was hearing. A voice. A voice here? It was so strange to him.

And why was there so much more light?

"Are you hurt?"

The voice was so soft and sweet. Caring and warm like the sun on a summer's day. He looked up slowly, moving the hands that had been covering his head and it took his eyes a bit of time to adjust to the new light. He looked into warm blue eyes-blue like bluebells.

"Give me your hand." A smile came with the words. It was kind and beautiful on his pale face. "Let me help you up."

The shadows hissed softly and he could see the green lashing out at them. Vines hit them both and he winced, but the raven-haired man did not flinch. The light around him didn't waver. The outstretched hand, still bloody from the whipping, was waiting for him to take it. Unmoving, the man waited, the warm smile never leaving his face.

He reached for it slowly, but his hand was trembling and the stinging vines made him pull it back. Still, the other didn't move and he felt so very guilty for having him get hurt. He reached for the hand again, taking it just so that the beautiful man wouldn't be hurt anymore by waiting to help him. The lovely smile broadened and the pale hand tightly gripped his own.

"I'm Ken. What's your name?"

He blinked at the man above him who now held him with both hands and was trying to pull him up. It looked like Ken was having a hard time, not only because of the whipping vines and the moving shadows, but because of him. Something was weighing him down, keeping Ken from bringing him up.

"So what is it? Your name?"

His name? He looked at Ken, ready to open his mouth, but realized nothing wanted to come out. What was his name? He knew it… He should know it…

Ken clenched his teeth and strained his muscles, but still couldn't move him. "Maybe you should take off your pack."

His pack! He had completely forgotten it was there. He took his hand out of Ken's grip, noticing how the lashing lessened, and tried to take off his pack. But it wouldn't come off, wouldn't let him slip his arms out. It held on to him tightly, clinging… No, not clinging. Clinging wasn't what was keeping him from removing the pack no matter how hard he tried.

"Do you need help?"

"No!"

Ken flinched. It was the first time the man had looked truly hurt and he had been the cause. He was the cause. It was his fault. He felt the pack grow even heavier. The pack… he couldn't remove it because it was a part of him, like an arm or a leg. It was a part of him, like some marsupial's pouch, only on his back, huge and inflated with its burden. He shuddered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," he said, still shocked by the revelation. It was a part of him. Had it always been there? Why did it get heavier? He didn't understand. Was something living in there? Growing? The very thought made him sick. He looked back at Ken. They had both forgotten about the surrounding darkness and the vines which continued to lash. Ken was bleeding profusely and so was he, but he was used to that. He felt guilty that Ken had to suffer because of him, though.

"You haven't told me yet," Ken said suddenly. "What your name is."

His name. He couldn't say. He couldn't remember it. He wanted to know it, too. He had known it once.

Reaching behind him, he opened the flap of his pack and rummaged, though for what he had no idea yet. There were things in there. He wasn't sure what they were, but at least they weren't alive. Still, they were warm and heavy. Finally he took hold of something and pulled it out. It felt like he had found whatever it was he was looking for. He looked at it. It was a mask, totally white with three openings: two for the eyes and one for the mouth. The opening for the mouth was wide and the corners were tipped upward in an ugly, contorted, unreal smile, something more closely resembling the classical mask of Comedy.

He looked up at Ken who was waiting patiently for his answer and then back down at the mask. Turning the mask he raised it slowly to his face and slipped it on. It melded perfectly with his face and he doubted that anyone would be able to see his real face behind it. Once the mask was on, he raised his head and looked at Ken who smiled at him.

"Ah, I see," he said. "Nice to meet you, Daisuke."

The ground shook and cracked. Ken screamed and they fell. He was only a few feet above Ken and he reached out for him, wanting to take his hand. It would give him comfort to hold Ken's hand as they fell. He wasn't sure why, but knew it would. He stretched his arm. Ken's hand was stretching upward to meet his.

Their fingers brushed and all went black.

The next thing he knew he was sitting on the floor in a room that seemed to be lit by candles, but there were no candles to be seen. Stranger still was that the invisible candles emitted an emerald green light. The only things around, he noticed, were a row of fun house mirrors on three of the walls and against the fourth was Ken. The man was lying peacefully on a four-poster bed wrapped in lavender mosquito net. Ken's clothes were more fit for a prince about to slay dragons and his hands rested on his chest. The man was asleep… or so he hoped.

He was about to reach for Ken when shadows emerged from dark places where the green light could not reach. He looked at them, instead of ignoring them as he usually did, unsure of why they caught his interest. They moved towards him, their forms slowly shifting into the shape of something more closely associated to human beings until they looked exactly him. His brown eyes widened and he felt and heard the mask he was wearing crack.

They stopped only when they were only mere feet from him, looking at him with his own chocolate brown eyes. He felt nervous. His body trembled and it made the mask crumble away slowly, pieces falling off, changing from a light tan color to a chalk white and landing on his thighs. He felt like screaming but the sound wouldn't come out of him.

He glanced at Ken, but he had not moved, still glowing softly with his own inner-light like from before. True light, not green, and it was warm.

"Your mask is broken."

"It's crumbling."

"He'll see you."

"He already saw."

"Would you like new one?"

He looked back at his replicas and stared wide-eyed as each spoke one right after each other as if trained, only stopping when they had said all that needed to be said. When the last one spoke-that hadn't been the last 'him' in the room-they reached up and pulled at their faces. He recoiled in disgust as he watched them pull off their-his-faces like they had only been some sort of plastic, flesh-toned masks. And masks they were, for once they were off the replicas' faces, the masks lost their plastic appearance, becoming hard. The tan color also faded away and each one of them was left holding a mask that looked like something a perriot would use.

"Which one do you like?"

"Which one would you like to wear?"

He glanced at the masks. One was like his previous one. The one next to it was like the mask of Tragedy. Another looked angry, another was blank, and so it went, each one holding its own expression.

"Mine?" The shadow-replica thrust the mask it was holding into his face and he flinched, moving back.

"Mine!" Another mask was thrust in his face.

One after another it continued until there was nowhere for him to go. He was surrounded by shadow-replicas holding thespian masks.

He was sweating, looking up at all his own faces staring back at him intently. Trembling, he looked past them to Ken who was still lying on the bed, looking as if he would sleep forevermore.

"A prince?" He looked back to one of the shadow-replicas which was watching him eagerly. The others looked at it reproachfully. "Then you'll be choosing mine." He nudged the mask forward a little. "A hero. A prince. That is mine. Perfect for saving and protecting."

At the shadow-replica's words, he glanced again at Ken, then looked back at the mask. Its physical features weren't too different from most of the others, which made sense to him because he couldn't think of what the face of heroism looked like, but the mask still seemed to radiate strength and bravery and nobility.

He reached for it but wasn't quick enough, and, looking up, he realized Takeru had beaten him to it. Takeru was dressed like a perriot: large bagging red pants, a light purple open vest, and a billowing white shirt underneath it all. His feet were in black, curled-tip shoes and he wore a purple cone-like hat with a bell at the tip, the weight making the end bend so that the bell jingled close to Takeru's ear when he moved. The blond's face was powdered white, bringing out his clear blue eyes. Over the powder, his lips were painted red and there was tear marked in black on his cheek. Takeru smiled at him, spinning the mask he had just taken on the tip of his white-gloved index finger.

"A prince you want to be," he said pleasantly. "For him?" He glanced at Ken. "He looks kind of like a prince to me already. So why would a prince need a prince?"

The shadows around them hissed their disapproval for the theft of the mask, but with one glare from Takeru they all backed away, exposing the arrays of mirrors that they had been blocking from the redhead.

"Ah, and anyone can be a prince too!" Takeru continued as if he had not been interrupted. "See, even me!" He fit the mask into place and his clothes changed to a set similar to Ken's, except they were purple and red where Ken's had been blue and black. Takeru's face remained painted like that of a perriot. He drew his sword and looked down at his outfit.

"Nice get up!" Takeru laughed and began to swing his sword around as if he were fighting an invisible enemy.

He stared at the blond. The outfit looked better on Ken. Takeru couldn't replace Ken, nor could he replace him. Things were getting more confusing and strange by the minute. He was angry with the other for taking his mask. It was his.

"So what if it's yours?" Takeru asked, reading his mind. He was standing just a few feet away from him, staring at the redhead, his sword no longer drawn.

The blond closed the distance between them, kneeling and looking straight into his chocolate brown eyes. Reaching out, he grazed his gloved fingers over his cheek and leaned forward, kissing his lips gently. Takeru smiled at the wide-eyed expression on his face.

"You're so silly," Takeru said, chuckling softly. "A prince. You can't be Ken's prince! Just look at you!"

He had no time to be surprised by Takeru's words. The blond had turned his head the instant he finished his words, looking towards one of the many mirrors which were no longer against the wall but surrounding them, only inches away. The blond vanished, Takeru's laughter remaining behind. He was left there looking at his own reflection in complete and utter horror.

How he had not noticed when he first glanced at the mirrors was beyond him, but now he could see so clearly. His face was horrifically scarred, bruised, and bleeding such that he was starting to wonder if those shadows were actual replicas of him. His body fared no better. His clothes had disappeared, or maybe they had never been there to begin with, but without them, his body was fully exposed, pale and ugly and seemingly rotting. His stomach churned. His hand moved, desperately pressing against his chest, momentarily ignoring his nausea.

It was there, faint but present. He could still feel his heart beating beneath his fingers and, as if touching his chest had hit a volume control, the sound of his heartbeat became louder and louder…

I am Shun.

Shun is no one. Shun has no face.

Then I am Daisuke.

Daisuke is no one. Daisuke has no face. He looks for a face and finds only masks.

Who, then? Who am I?

Under each mask there is a face.

And with that Daisuke woke up, cold and sweating, his hand clenched over his heart and his stomach doing flip-flops.

"Wh-" He took a big gulp of air. "What the hell?" Seconds later he was promptly sick.

***

Ken sighed and fidgeted in his seat. Moments later, he stood and began to pace the room. He was so nervous he couldn't think straight. It was eight o' clock. Takeru had gotten out of class thirty minutes ago and was probably on his way home. Ken had been waiting for Takeru since three in the afternoon when he had gotten home from the cemetery. He had known that the blond was just then getting out of work and crossing town to get to class, and that he would not be showing up for several hours. Still, as he waited, he couldn't keep himself from becoming agitated and had glued his eyes to the clock for the entire five hours.

"Can you really blame me?" he screamed, trying to air out his emotions. He was feeling so nervous that yelling at the walls seemed almost like a normal reaction. He was about to break it off with Takeru. The thought immediately made his stomach churn with guilt.

Who would have thought he was going to put Takeru through the exact same pain that he himself had gone through?

"I should have thought it through," he told himself furiously. He should never have agreed to it. No matter how despondent he was feeling, he should never have allowed it to happen. He knew where his heart belonged and even if he could have learned to love someone else, trying to do it so soon was stupid and bound to end up hurting the both of them. Now, unfortunately, Takeru would end up hurting the most. Immense guilt came with that knowledge and Ken welcomed it, knowing it was what he deserved.

He walked to the kitchen and began to make some tea. It would calm his nerves, he hoped, and it would help later that night, too, when he would be doing one of the hardest things in his life. He wondered if Daisuke had felt like this when he had broken it off with him. The hope that Daisuke might still have feelings for him had convinced him to give their relationship another go, to fight for it, but still he couldn't help the immense trepidation. He knew that Jun would not lie to him, but what if she was wrong? It was a possibility that made his knees weak and he tried with all his might to not think about it, to keep thinking positively. He wondered how it was that Takeru and Daisuke were always able to stay so positive during hardships. He admired them for that, now, more then ever.

A long sigh escaped him and he turned to the cupboards to collect two mugs. Was Daisuke really positive or was it just a shallow facade? All the information that he had recently acquired from Long-Yin and Jun made him realize that the Daisuke he thought he had known for years was false… or at least somewhat false. How much, then, of Daisuke did he really know? What parts of Daisuke were really him and which were just parts he played? It frightened Ken to think that the man he had fallen so deeply for could be a complete and utter stranger.

"I'll just get to know him all over again if I have to," he told himself fiercely as he poured the tea. Still, he doubted that it would come down to that. As a man who had worn masks himself, he did not think one could totally keep a part of themselves from showing up, especially when the part they were playing was supposed to be a lifetime role.

"Either you show some of yourself," he said quietly. "Or you become the role you play."

Rubbing his temple, Ken vowed to stop talking out loud to himself like a crazy person. He hadn't done it since he was eleven and it wasn't good to get back in the habit.

"Tadaima!"

The cheerful call brought Ken back to the real world and the matter at hand. He glanced nervously towards the door and took a deep breath in the hope of calming his heart, which had started hammering against his ribs.

"Okaeri, Takeru," Ken called back, amazed that his voice sounded normal and steady. "I'm in the kitchen. Do you want to some tea?"

Takeru poked his head into the kitchen and beamed at Ken while pulling off his black baseball cap.

"Tea's good," Takeru said, leaning his shoulder against the refrigerator and looking at Ken. "Did you eat?"

"I went out this morning and bought some instant ramen," Ken replied, pouring Takeru some tea. "I saw Godai-kun, he says hi."

Takeru nodded, blowing a few strands of hair from his vision, and took the offered mug. "Thanks."

"Did you eat?" Ken asked, watching Takeru with a slight smile and thinking he looked quite adorable crossing his eyes and glaring at the hair that fell back into place. A small part of him wished that he had fallen in love with Takeru instead.

But who's to say that the relationship would have been any better? Distracted, Ken tucked the errant hair behind Takeru's ear and watched as a light blush tinged the blond's cheeks.

At that, he moved his hand away quickly, getting an odd look from Takeru. He shouldn't be doing stuff like this anymore. Even if he had been doing them since childhood, things were different now and they were about to get a lot more difficult once the relationship between them changed again. So much had happened since he and Daisuke had started to date and none of it was going the way he'd hoped.

"Something's wrong," Takeru stated, staring intently at Ken. "What's up?" He raised the mug to his lips but kept watching Ken even as he drank his tea.

Well, he didn't have to worry about finding a way to broach the subject, Takeru had done the job for him. Ken felt bad for that. It should have been him.

"Come on, let's sit down." Ken motioned towards the living room.

Takeru looked at him oddly but didn't disagree, moving towards the living room and sitting down on the couch. He watched Ken sit down on the seat farthest away from him and arched one eyebrow. But then his expression became carefully neutral and Ken wondered if he had figured it out. It would not surprise Ken one bit, since his best friends were better at reading him then he was at reading them. The thought made him very uncomfortable now.

Ken took a nervous sip of his tea, wishing he did not have to do this and once more wondering if this was how Daisuke had felt.

"Takeru, I… " Ken lowered his head, not wanting to look at Takeru, but moments later he raised it again. Takeru deserved to see his face. Ken also needed to see Takeru's face. He wanted to catch every single expression and emotion, etching them into his mind forever. He deserved the guilt. He would not run from this.

"Takeru, I don't think we should see each other anymore," Ken said, surprised at just how clearly he was able to say the words. They almost seemed rehearsed.

There was quite a bit of a silence in which Takeru just stared at Ken, making the raven haired man fidget uncomfortably. Yet, Ken would not look away from Takeru no matter how much it pained him to look upon his friend's blank expression. He wished more than anything that Takeru would do or say something. It was just too painful… the silence… the nothingness he was receiving as a response to his words.

"Ken, could you do me a favor and just kinda get out."

Takeru's quiet words broke the silence so suddenly that it made Ken jump. The blond was still looking at him with that blank expression and Ken felt more horrible than if Takeru had screamed at him or cried.

He felt a stabbing pain in his chest, his eyes stung, and he was shaking badly. Was that it? That was all? It didn't feel right. It felt so terribly final. It felt like everything was over.

"Takeru… " Ken broke off. Anything he could say would be lame and stupid, but he couldn't take this awful feeling of finality. "Takeru, I want-"

"Please Ken, just go," Takeru repeated, his voice quavering just a bit. "I don't want to deal with you right now."

The words hurt so much more then Ken had thought they would. The pain was intense, making his chest constrict. The pain is the same on both sides, he thought. There were very few times when he had felt pain like this. His breakup with Daisuke was one of them.

He continued to look at Takeru, wishing there was something he could say. But there were no words of comfort that could make it all better. Ken knew this from personal experience. And worst of all, Ken realized, was that Takeru really had no one he could run to. He wasn't on speaking terms with Daisuke… and Ken, the source of his heartache, was also obviously out. Their triangle of friendship had become so dissonant.

Takeru looked at him; his blue eyes, now glassy, were pleading for Ken to leave. The raven-haired man realized that it was the first time in the last fifteen minutes that the neutrality had disappeared from Takeru's face.

The expression brought great pain to Ken and he longed to reach out and hold Takeru, but it was impossible. There was no way that Takeru would be able to accept Ken's comfort. For all the times he had held Ken, Ken could not return the favor. He bowed his head. All that was left to him was leaving as requested. It was a poor substitute for true comfort and the feelings of finality magnified.

"I'll call you then… Later," Ken said as he stood up, his eyes trained on Takeru. He was looking for anything that could remove the awful feelings from him, but he knew nothing could. There would be no consolation for either of them tonight.

"Yeah," Takeru agreed, nodding.

Ken wasn't sure Takeru had been listening, but already, the blond had stopped looking at him, deciding that some spot on the far-left wall was more interesting.

The ache in his chest increased to almost unbearable proportions the farther he got from Takeru, but he knew that he deserved this. For every stupid, naïve, selfish thing he had ever done to both Daisuke and Takeru, he would suffer. The pain was his penance.

Ken glanced one more time at Takeru before he left the apartment. Takeru hadn't moved an inch since Ken had stood up. It pained Ken to see him like that, to know that neither of Takeru's best friends were available to counsel him through this.

That's my fault too, Ken thought as he opened the door and stepped out into the hallway of the building. He closed the door behind him, locking it with the spare key he'd been given. He couldn't bring himself to slip the key under the door. It felt too much like giving up. Exiting the building, he stepped out into the cool night air.

He knew that if he had never asked Daisuke out to begin with, none of this would have happened. Even so, he would never wish to change the past. He couldn't regret asking Daisuke out, nor could he regret telling Daisuke that he loved him. His one regret was how selfishly blind he had been. His refusal to look deeper had brought them to where they were now.

Sighing, he moved towards the curb, hoping to hail a cab home. Daisuke would be able to help Takeru, but the two weren't on speaking terms because of their anger over Daisuke's breakup with him. He stopped and blinked. It sounded so silly, now that he thought about it. He understood how Takeru cared so very much about him. He understood that maybe Daisuke had said something to upset Takeru-though he had no idea what it was since Takeru would not tell him. But no matter what words had passed between them, it wasn't reason enough for them not to talk.

Am I grasping at straws? Ken wondered. They have a tendency to take their fights very seriously, but should they really be fighting about me? …Over my breakup with Daisuke?

Ken glanced back to Takeru's apartment building one more time and felt constricting pain and guilt. It didn't seem right to leave Takeru alone. Breakups suck.

"Whenever I was in pain I would either run to Daisuke or Takeru," Ken murmured to himself, pulling out his cell phone. "Whenever any of us needed the other we'd run to them. That shouldn't stop… It shouldn't." He flipped the cell phone open and the numbers glowed in the night. "He shouldn't have to deal with this by himself. And since I can't do it, his other best friend will."

Nodding firmly to himself and ignoring the voice inside his head cautioning him against this, he dialed Daisuke's cell. Ken didn't bother with his home number since he had no idea if Daisuke was there and he knew the redhead always carried his cell.

"Hello?"

Daisuke sounded fine. There were no melancholy tones or anything. He sounded like he always had. What the hell did you expect him to sound like? Ken chided himself. He was being stupid again. Did he think just because he knew everything now, he would be able to sense the slightest change in Daisuke? Daisuke had been practicing his deceptions for much longer than Ken had been practicing trying to break through them. It would not be easy. He couldn't forget that.

"Hello?"

Daisuke's voice brought Ken out of his thoughts and he said quickly, "Daisuke, it's me, Ken."

There was a bit of a pause on the phone, but Ken had been expecting that. He just hoped Daisuke wouldn't hang up on him. Their relationship problems would have to wait.

The thoughts didn't stop Ken from feeling horribly nervous. "Daisuke, I'm calling about Takeru. I broke up with him." Ken paused a moment, listening for Daisuke's response. After receiving none and confirming that the redhead was still on the line, he continued, trying to ignore his disappointment. "I want you to go and be with him for a while. He shouldn't be alone right now."

"I'm sorry, but I can't," Daisuke said. "We're on bad terms right now. I don't think my going over there will be welcomed with open arms."

Ken heard Daisuke sigh softly over the phone and he hoped it was a sign of concern from Daisuke. "Can't you just forget your fight for now?" he asked, glancing back at the apartment building. "You didn't see him, Daisuke. He was frighteningly emotionless, nothing like how Takeru usually acts when he's upset. It was so painful to see him like that."

"I can't go, Ken."

"Why? Has your one fight ruined eight years of friendship?"

There was a pause. "I don't know… I hope not."

"Then get your butt over there and show him that! You're his friend!" You're also the reason why I broke it off with him to begin with, Ken thought. But you don't know that and I hope neither does Takeru.

Ken bit his lip. Takeru had never asked why. Was that because he knew or because he didn't care to know? Ken wasn't sure, but he really hoped it was the latter. If it was the former… he didn't have time to think about it now.

"All right, Ken," Daisuke said, sighing again. "I'll go."

"Now," Ken stressed.

"Yes now."

"Thank you, Daisuke."

"Ah…"

The redhead had hung up after that and Ken was left feeling worse then before. This was the first time he had talked to Daisuke since they'd broken up. Now it was painfully clear how different their relationship was. The way Daisuke had spoken to Ken… so distant and lacking in warmth… it was like Daisuke had barely endured talking to him, that he had just wanted the conversation to end.

Ken bit his lip. Worrying about Daisuke wouldn't help Takeru any. Right now, he just wanted to figure out how their friendship could be salvaged from the consequences of his selfishness.

***

Daisuke sighed softly as he hung up the phone. He had not been expecting Ken to call him, nor had he been expecting that he would be seeing Takeru so soon. They weren't supposed to see each other until after he had returned from America, but those plans were gone and here he was, preparing himself to go see Takeru and comfort him now that his relationship with Ken ended.

Daisuke had been hoping that Ken and Takeru could be something for each other. He'd hoped that Takeru could teach Ken to love him and that maybe, one day, they could all be friends again. It was a bit of an unrealistic dream, considering all that had happened between them, but he still hoped that it would happen, none the less.

Still, hearing that Takeru needed him made him set aside some of his apprehensions. He doubted that Takeru would want to see him (for more reasons than just their little fight), but he was willing to deal with that once he got there. If he was as bad-off as Ken claimed, Daisuke owed it to him. Takeru had always worried about him and tried to make him feel better. He had to return the favor. Also, although he was doing his best to ignore it, a quiet part of him was hoping that he could patch things up with Takeru. It would be nice to have at least one of his best friends back. He hadn't realized how much he missed them when they weren't around.

It bothered him that he was so attached. He had always tried to distance himself from people, but he hadn't succeeded. That was why he was missing Ken's and Takeru's company so much. That was why he was having such odd dreams…

"Not going there," Daisuke told himself fiercely as he grabbed his keys and exited his apartment. Up until now, he'd been doing a fine job of ignoring the dream. There were occasional moments when the dream came back to him, but all that meant was that he had to try harder at keeping his mind occupied.

It seemed, though, that all his work was for nothing. With Ken's call, all he seemed to be able to do was think about that strange, truthful dream and how much he wanted to see Ken and Takeru again.

When did I become so dependent? he wondered as he waited at the bus stop for the bus. Takeru and Daisuke lived across town from each other, give or take six blocks. It had amused both boys greatly since it wasn't done on purpose. Still, it had made their Tuesday get-togethers that much easier because it only took one bus ride and a short walk to get to the other's home.

A fond smile crossed Daisuke's face as he thought of his get-togethers with Takeru. He couldn't deny missing them; they were usually the highlight of his week. He'd last seen Takeru weeks ago, naturally, because of their fight… Because of his breakup with Ken.

It always leads back to Ken, doesn't it? Daisuke thought as he climbed onto the bus, paid the fare, and took a seat in the back. He closed his eyes, resting his head on the cool glass of the window. Ken was always with him, even when he didn't want him to be. Everything that had happened recently led back to Ken and their breakup.

Even that dream…

He sighed softly, opening his eyes again and watching block after city block pass him by in mere moments. That dream had been… he didn't think he really knew a word that could describe it correctly. He focused his eyes on his reflection, as if making sure that the ugly, disfigured Daisuke he had been in his dream had only been a dream. He'd caught himself doing this quite a few times during the day and it annoyed him greatly. It also unnerved him greatly.

Am I really like that? he thought. Is that what I really think? Closing his eyes again, he decided that he wasn't sure. Daisuke knew he had problems with his self-esteem, but did he really consider himself so ugly? Looking into the mirrors, those fun house mirrors, was he seeing his projected self-image? It seemed so.

But…

The bus driver's announcement of the stop made Daisuke open his eyes and glance out the window. He was here. He stood and hurried out of the bus before it closed the doors. Cool night air surrounded him once more. Running a hand through his hair, he started moving towards Takeru's apartment. He wondered if Ken would be waiting for him outside and Daisuke desperately hoped that Ken wasn't. He didn't think he could handle seeing him. Not after all that had happened-not after he had failed. Failed Ken… as his prince…

Saving Ken had been something he had dreamed of as a child when Ken was drowning in his own misery. He had reached out for Ken, much like Ken had done in his dream, and tried to help him rise above his sorrow. And he'd done that, he'd helped Ken, but it hadn't been enough. He had still failed him. And failing him was the last thing that Daisuke had ever wanted to do.

But that was just inevitable, Daisuke thought as he turned the block. I'm no prince. I'm more of a fool. The person wearing the jester's clothing in that dream should have been me. He could see Takeru's apartment building now. It would not be long now. With the way he saw himself, it was inevitable that he be a failure. Still, he had to do what he could. For friendship's sake.

***

Idiot! the voice in his head screamed at him as he sat on the couch. The cup of tea was slowly cooling in his hands. Idiot! it screamed every time he looked at the chair where Ken had been sitting only a little while ago or when he thought of the words that had passed between. Takeru couldn't blame the voice, it was right. He was an idiot. A really big idiot.

He was surprisingly calm about all this. He wasn't breaking anything or screaming. He had not yelled at Ken, nor had he moved from his spot on the couch in well over thirty minutes. He was taking this very calmly, too calmly in his opinion.

It was bad when he didn't release his feelings. They would bottle up, warping him in ways that only he could realize. Yet, Takeru found that he couldn't release them. He couldn't even bring himself to make a noise, or move, or cry. All he could do was sit there and think. Both inside and out, he was as calm as the ocean on a bright summer's day. Takeru hoped it was because he knew that this outcome-this breakup-had been a large possibility, if not actually expected. Maybe that was how he could sulk instead of scream out his heartbreak.

Ken had been on the rebound… No, he couldn't even call it that. Takeru hadn't given Ken any time to be on the rebound-he had expected Ken to just forget Daisuke and fall into his arms. The voice was right. He was an idiot. Ken had loved Daisuke since forever-would continue loving him, forever-and Takeru had expected him to forget the redhead so easily? He was definitely an idiot.

It's true what they say about blondes, Takeru thought bitterly.

There was a knock at the door and Takeru's eyes shifted towards it. He wondered who it could be. Ken was both a likely and unlikely possibility, but Takeru knew it probably wasn't him. So who could it be? Yamato was with their grandmother and anyone else would have called before showing up uninvited. The knocker's identity didn't matter that much. He didn't feel like dealing with people at the moment and whoever it was would get the hint and leave.

But the person didn't seem to catch the hint. They would knock, wait a minute or two, then start knocking again. In total, the person had done this five times before Takeru sighed and stood up to answer the door. It was surprising that he had even been able to get up, but he supposed the energy came from the annoyance that was slowly turning into anger. The persistent knocker ran the chance of being yelled at if his temper blew.

Why don't they just go away? Takeru thought as he unlocked the door. When I didn't answer the door the first two times, why didn't they give up? He yanked the door open, ready to glare the person away, but he stopped dead cold when he saw who it was.

"D-Daisuke?" Takeru stuttered, wide-eyed and shocked. What was he doing here? He was the last person Takeru expected to see.

"Konbanwa, Takeru," Daisuke said. A tiny, sheepish smile was on his face, but he wouldn't meet Takeru's eyes. He was obviously fighting against nervousness. "Sorry to bother you so late at night, but a little bird told me you needed a friend right now."

A little bird? What? Who? Takeru blinked. Ken. Ken had called Daisuke? Any other time he would have thought it touching-a sign of their continuing friendship. But at the moment, it just made him angry. The momentary calm that had held him disappeared, leaving in its wake a slowly burning anger. He welcomed the emotion as much as he hated it.

"Daisuke, I don't really feel like seeing people right now," Takeru said tightly. He glared at Daisuke. He didn't yell, but he did glare. Daisuke seemed unfazed. Maybe that was because he still had not really looked Takeru in the eyes, or because their numerous fights in the past had made him immune to it.

"I know you don't," Daisuke replied, looking at something over Takeru's shoulder. "Which is why you shouldn't be alone."

Takeru sighed and raised one hand to rub his temple. He had a headache and Daisuke wasn't making it any better. Why would Ken think that he would want to see Daisuke if Takeru had not wanted to see him? He knew they weren't on speaking terms. For a genius, Ken could be really stupid sometimes.

Yet Daisuke had agreed. That fact nagged at Takeru. Daisuke and Ken weren't on speaking terms either, but still, Daisuke had come. The only answer Takeru could come up with was that the bond between the three of them was stronger than any hurt feelings. The thought made him regret his words and actions. He should have helped Ken get through to Daisuke. Barring that, he shouldn't have made Ken leave without talking it through. His actions weren't deserving of their friendship, and it was even more of a reason why he shouldn't have to see either of them right now.

"Can you please just leave?" Takeru glared at him, frustrated and upset. He didn't feel like dealing with any of this. It wasn't like he was being unreasonable. Why was it so hard for his desire to be complied with?

Daisuke's eyebrow twitched and Takeru wasn't exactly sure what the meaning of it had been. Still, he felt that this was not going to end with Daisuke simply leaving, a feeling Daisuke confirmed when he shook his head.

"I know I'm one of the last people you want to see right now-"

"Then go!"

"-but I think that you shouldn't be alone. I'm not just talking for Ken, either. It's the both of us. We're worried about you. I'm worried about you, fight be damned."

Takeru stared at him for a moment. It was all so wrong. It was like the universe was laughing at him… at them.

"So I'm supposed to forget about it all?" He wasn't talking only about their fight. "I can't, Daisuke, and I won't."

"No one says you have to," Daisuke replied calmly. He'd looked like he was thinking about reaching out and touching Takeru's shoulder, but the touch never came. Instead, Daisuke shoved his hands deep into his pockets instead.

"Then why are you still here?" His voice was steadily raising. The neighbors were going to hear everything. Takeru didn't care though. He might later, but right now it wasn't important.

"I thought I already made that clear. We're friends."

"That doesn't mean you can fix everything," Takeru said. He closed his eyes and rubbed at them. His headache was making them ache.

"I don't expect it to," Daisuke said as he pushed his way past Takeru and moved into the living room.

Takeru glared at Daisuke's back, but eventually he closed the door and followed Daisuke. He wouldn't be able to get rid of the redhead. Was it so much to ask to be left alone?

"How long are you planning on annoying me?" Takeru asked tersely.

"What a kind way of putting things," Daisuke said dryly, sitting down in the seat that Ken had vacated a short while ago. He looked at Takeru with his defiant brown eyes. They were different from Ken's, and not just in color.

But Takeru already knew that. He'd always known the differences between his two friends. All the same, they both were the cause of his pain, whether they were aware of it or not. They didn't mean to be, Takeru knew, but still they were.

"I don't know how long I'll be staying," Daisuke continued. "A few minutes, a few hours, all night… as long as I have to. You would do the same for me. You need a friend and you have one. Say anything you want to me, use me as your punching bag even, anything to help you feel better."

Takeru opened his mouth ready to retort, then closed it again. It was hard to stay angry when Daisuke was being so considerate. Daisuke had said that he'd do the same, but when Ken had been hurt, he'd fought with Daisuke instead. He nodded his defeat and sank into another chair, avoiding the spot he had been occupying on the couch. Daisuke was trying very hard to keep his triumphant smile from getting too large. Takeru couldn't bring himself to appreciate the effort.

There was a long silence in the room, Takeru keeping his eyes carefully averted from Daisuke. Talking about this was not something he wanted to do. Like Daisuke, he preferred working out his own problems. In most other cases, he'd be fine with speaking to someone, but talking to Daisuke about his break up with Ken (and all the emotions that ran along with it) felt awkward.

"Y'know, during these situations, talking usually is a prerequisite," Daisuke said, resting his elbow on the chair's arm and his cheek on his upturned hand. A small smile was on the redhead's face. It was the same smile Daisuke gave you when he thought he understood everything. Takeru had missed seeing it, as annoying as it was. Somehow, it was comforting.

"I told you, I don't want to talk," Takeru replied, arguing out of pretense. "Yet you came in anyway and sat your big butt down like you own the place." His words lacked venom and the anger he'd felt was seeping out of him. He sounded more miffed then anything else. Getting rid of Daisuke wasn't an option. It was pointless to try. When Daisuke got an idea in his head, it was all but impossible to get it out. A small part of him was grateful for his friend's most annoying habit.

Daisuke chuckled softly. "So it's my fault?"

"Basically." Takeru had to struggle to keep the amused smile from his face. It felt good to be able to do this with Daisuke again and friendly banter with Daisuke was better than delving into a relationship talk.

But that was what Daisuke wanted, and Daisuke would get his way eventually. The blond sighed. It would be so much easier if he could just go somewhere and wallow in his misery. Knowing Daisuke, he'd probably follow Takeru to the deepest, darkest pit in the planet and demand they talk. The thought made Takeru's right eyebrow twitch, but it also felt good thinking that Daisuke was still willing to do that for him.

"Why'd you and Ken break up?" Daisuke asked, as predicted.

It was already hard enough to open up to Daisuke, but that question made it all the more difficult. Takeru was certain Daisuke wouldn't like his answer.

"What does it matter? We've broken up." For now, he didn't want to tell Daisuke. That could come later.

Daisuke accepted the words and didn't push the question further. "I was hoping you two would be able to stay with each other."

"Yes, but it didn't turn out that way, did it?" Takeru snapped. Daisuke wasn't the only one who had hoped he and Ken could have a happy relationship. But at least Daisuke's hope hadn't been based on self-created delusions.

"It wasn't meant to be," Takeru continued softly. "We were both stupid to think any other outcome could result. Our hope was for nothing."

Daisuke nodded sadly and Takeru looked away from him. He wasn't sure if there was pity in Daisuke's eyes, but if there was he didn't want to see it. He had enough self-pity for the both of them.

"Takeru-"

"I'm not really hurting over the ended relationship," Takeru interrupted quietly. Once started, the words kept coming. He needed to get it off his chest. "I mean it hurts, yeah. I really like Ken. But what really upsets me is that I thought I had a chance. I'm upset with myself. I knew better and still I…"

"Listened to me," Daisuke finished for him, lowering his head with a guilty expression. Daisuke was the one who had prodded Takeru into pursuing a relationship with Ken… all because of his anger with himself for failing Ken. Daisuke had been frightened by Ken's feelings for him. He'd pushed Ken away and had pushed Takeru to Ken.

"I'm sorry."

Takeru snorted. Daisuke was taking all the blame again. It really annoyed Takeru when he did that.

"Pull your head out of your ass, Daisuke. You presume too much." Takeru leveled Daisuke with a heavy glare. "Not everything that happens is because of you. It was inevitable and… you were right. I have feelings for Ken. I would have tried whether you said anything or not." There was a pause as Takeru thought for a moment. "Well, maybe not as quickly as I did if you hadn't, but it would have happened anyway."

It was good to admit that, Takeru realized. To say things out loud and lift the weight from his heart. The hurt didn't really lessen but he felt better at having said that. It was his fault, which was why he wasn't really angry with Ken, but the blame wasn't entirely on his shoulders. In his own way, Daisuke was to blame for breaking up with Ken… for leading Ken on for so long. Ken was to blame as well, for he had known that he could never get over Daisuke and had let himself be swayed by Takeru. Yet, it was petty and pathetic to think like that, it was running away and forgetting that Takeru was still the one who had initiated the relationship with full understanding of what was happening. It was his fault, no matter what Daisuke and Ken had to do with it. There were to be no more illusions for Takeru.

"If you had tried later-"

"Daisuke you're suppose to be here to make me feel better," Takeru said, exasperation clear in his voice. Why was Daisuke trying so hard to take the blame for this? It wasn't helping anything. "Bringing up what might-have-been's and what-if's is counterproductive. Ken and I were never meant to be, no matter what the circumstances are. Come to grips with it. I have."

Daisuke blinked in surprised at his words, then nodded. "You're very strong, Takeru."

It was Takeru's turn to be surprised. He'd not expected to hear that from Daisuke. Neither one of them had ever said anything like that to the other. Usually, their compliments to each other were hidden behind jokes. Daisuke's words were open and sincere, making Takeru think there was something else making Daisuke say them. It had to be more than just a simple observation.

"You take things in stride," Daisuke continued, looking directly at Takeru. His voice was lower then its usual pitch. "And when you trip, you don't just sit there. You get up and continue walking with your head held high. I admire that."

"Daisuke…" Takeru wasn't sure how to respond to that. He'd never heard Daisuke speak that way. Daisuke had always been confident, and though Takeru had known Daisuke wasn't completely like that, he had never expected to hear something like this.

He had to say something. He couldn't just sit there with his mouth gaping open like some fish's.

"Idiot," Takeru said fondly. "There's nothing to admire. Just keep going forward, no matter what. That's all you have to do."

Daisuke nodded, but said nothing more on the subject. There was another silence and this one seemed more uncomfortable than the last, if that were even possible. Takeru wondered where Daisuke was speaking from. It had been strange to hear him talk like that, almost like he was looking at a different person. No, not different… at least not completely. It was just a different aspect of Daisuke, a part Takeru had never been allowed to see before.

"Daisuke, about before…" Takeru began, breaking the silence. Daisuke looked at him curiously. There was no trace of that other side, but Takeru had seen it once and now would always be able to detect it again, even if Daisuke tried to hide it. "I'm sorry. I was angry… I said some things I shouldn't have."

"I said worse," Daisuke replied with a bit of a smile. "I'll forgive you if you forgive me, 'kay?"

"'Kay."Takeru grinned at him. It felt good to have their fight out of the way. He'd missed the comfort of Daisuke's friendship. Of course, he couldn't say it like that, even if they were having a heart-to-heart.

"Great! I've missed pestering you."

"Oh, is that the only reason? I feel so special."

Daisuke chuckled. "Nah, I missed having my best friends around. Me, being the idiot that I am, pissed them both off. I missed having you around, Takeru."

Takeru had forgotten that. All that happened had left Daisuke without either of them. Takeru felt bad. He realized now that he should have stayed neutral, or at least tried to. He favored Ken over Daisuke. No matter what promise he and the redhead had made that was broken, he should have been more understanding towards Daisuke.

"I'm sorry about that," Takeru said. "I didn't give you much of a chance."

Daisuke shrugged. "I broke our promise and hurt Ken. I didn't listen to you when you warned me about it, either. And in the process, you got hurt too."

"Didn't I tell you that it wasn't your fault?" Takeru asked and Daisuke shrugged.

"A little of the blame falls on all of us," Daisuke replied. "It's not fair for you to take it all on yourself. With all that's happened, there's enough to go around."

Takeru shrugged. It made sense. He could live with Daisuke's logic as long as things mostly returned to the way they were before.

"So, now that we're best friends again… You're really not going to tell me why you two broke up?" Daisuke asked. Takeru arched an eyebrow at this.

"Why do you care so much?" he asked. Daisuke looked away and shrugged. Takeru knew that whatever he was about to say was not the truth.

"Curiosity," Daisuke said. "Ken didn't tell me either when he called. Your behavior makes it seem like it's some big secret."

Takeru sighed. Daisuke didn't realize just how right he was. For Ken, it probably was some huge secret. Takeru, himself, wasn't sure what the real reason was and right then, didn't even really care. But Daisuke cared.

Takeru could feel something about to happen… He didn't know what or how, exactly, but with Ken breaking up with him, and with Daisuke showing up, it was a chance for their relationship to change. They could clear the air between them. Maybe he was just seeing too much into things, but his gut told him otherwise, and Takeru trusted his feeling. If he was right, then Daisuke needed to know what happened between he and Ken, and maybe things would change.

Waiting until later would just bring more trouble, just like it had in the past. It was keeping things from each other that had caused so many problems.

"Ken broke it off with me," Takeru began, "because I can't replace you."

Daisuke's eyes widened and he shook his head as if denying it. Takeru held firm and told him it was true. The redhead looked like he was ready to collapse. It was a strange sort of denial… too great, too strong.

"You are his savior, his hero and his one and only," Takeru said quietly. It hurt so much to say that. His wounds were fresh. Still, it needed to be said. "I couldn't compete against you. Ken realized that. No matter what you feel for Ken, he's always going to feel that way for you. You can't change that."

Daisuke paled at his words and Takeru couldn't understand why. Daisuke's reaction didn't make sense. Yes, Daisuke should be upset because he was the one that broke it off with Ken but the reaction was still too strong...too strange. Unless… But if Takeru was guessing correctly, then why had Daisuke and Ken broken up to begin with?

Takeru studied Daisuke for several minutes. "So that's why we broke up," he finished. "Now, why did you?" Daisuke tensed. "You feel the same for him… or at least something close to it, something that might become just as strong."

Daisuke looked up and caught Takeru looking at him, studying him, and looked back down at floor, biting his lip. Takeru really wished he could read minds. He was so very confused, but he seemed to have guessed right. There was something going on with Daisuke. Something big.

Takeru remembered that he always thought something was bothering Daisuke. Ever since they had been kids, he could tell. When Daisuke started dating, having one dysfunctional relationship after another, he'd wanted to help even more. Daisuke's mishaps with Hikari and now, his broken relationship with Ken - it all had to do with whatever it was that had been bothering Daisuke. He'd always wanted to help Daisuke with whatever it was, but he'd never been able to. And now, when he knew something was wrong, he still couldn't think of anything to say. So he said nothing.

"Takeru, when you look at me, what do you see?" Daisuke asked. He wasn't looking at him. Instead he focused on that spot on the floor he had been staring at since the subject of he and Ken had begun.

Takeru frowned, unsure of what Daisuke was really asking. He was even more unsure of how to answer a question like this.

"What kind of question is that?" Takeru replied, feeling somewhat nervous. He didn't see what this had to do with his friend's breakup with Ken. But the redhead was waiting, seemed intent on an answer. "I see you, Daisuke," he said at last, his smile hopeful. "I see the silly artist who I used to help chuck water balloons at the principal from the school's rooftop… my best friend who is always there for me, even when I don't want him to be… a person who's caring far too much baggage and who won't ask for help, even though it would be given if he ever asked."

Takeru wasn't sure if that was the right answer, if there even was a right answer. Was that what Daisuke had wanted to hear? He couldn't have come up with anything else. All he'd been able to do was tell the truth, abridged though it may have been.

Daisuke seemed to be a bit caught off guard by his words…

"I can't do it, because of that," Daisuke said. "It's because of that, that I can't be for Ken what he wants to be for me."

"I don't get it, Daisuke."

"It's because I'm Daisuke, Takeru. I just can't."

Takeru snorted. "That's pure bullshit. Why the hell don't you ever listen to what I'm telling you? Pull your head out your ass already, Daisuke! I'll admit I haven't a clue what the hell is going on with you, but whatever it is shouldn't keep you from being happy. Nothing should. So whatever it is, just damn well deal with it.

"Yeah I'm quite aware of how insensitive and rude I'm being. But you don't confide in me the way I do in you. So I'm just going to go by my assumptions made from eight years of being your friend. Maybe that's wrong, but oh well. You just told me you can't because you're Daisuke. Well, I've got some news for you. No matter who else you become, Ken will still love you, because no matter what, you are Daisuke. You've been him for too damn long not have picked up lots of his bad habits. So whoever else you think you are, Ken, and I for that matter, will get to know that side of you too and welcome it into our hearts along with the rest of you."

Takeru had been pleased to see that after a while, Daisuke had started looking at him. At least the redhead was paying attention to what he was saying. Still, he wasn't sure what Daisuke thought of his words. Takeru watched him get angry, then sad, then he finally seemed to go blank. He liked the blank look the least. He couldn't reason with a blank expression. Takeru would have to wait and see what Daisuke said.

Daisuke stayed quiet for a long time before the small beginning of a smile worked its way onto his lips. It was a very good sign.

"Thank you, Takeru," Daisuke said after what seemed like forever to the nervous and agitated blond. Now, wasn't it Daisuke's turn to make him feel better? he wondered, exasperated. Well, at least Daisuke was better off and Takeru had gotten to speak his peace. Whatever else remained to be said, it could wait until later. Now that they were friends again, they had all the time in the world.

"I mean it," Daisuke added. "I'll remember this."

"You'd better. If not, I'll just say it again and again until it gets through that thick skull of yours."

Daisuke laughed softly. "Thanks… that means a lot."

His small smile blossomed into a genuine one and Takeru couldn't help but grin back at him. Maybe things wouldn't be as bad as he'd thought they would be an hour ago. He didn't mind so much now that he'd broken up with Ken and that Ken's and Daisuke's relationship was still riddled with problems and stupid thoughts that kept them from being together. Life wasn't exactly perfect, Takeru thought, but as long as they kept working on it, they might get close. He, for one, wasn't planning on moping for the rest of his life over what could have been. His relationship with Ken had never had a chance, but for Ken and Daisuke, they didn't have a chance of ending up without each other. Takeru hoped his friends could be as sensible as him and resolve their problems.

TBC

Again I thank my wonderful beta Ice'is Blue. You are a goddess for putting up with me and my bad writing. ^_^