Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ The penultimate bizzare digimon humor fic ❯ Death, or lack thereof. ( Chapter 3 )

When the last chapter ended, the chosen were debating the allegorical significance of Wizarmon’s death and trying to figure out what the author would write for the rest of the chapter… It is for precisely this reason that they now find themselves on infinity mountain, looking over the ruins of the digital world and mourning their earlier failure to save it…

“Wait a minute. How the hell did the digital world get destroyed?†Miyako yelled, scratching her head…

“It obviously happened between chapters, but it doesn’t really matter when… It doesn’t make any sense, but we still need to rebuild this world…†Yamato replied nonchalantly.

Elsewhere in the digital world, an amazing transformation was taking place… “Finally, I’ve found my answer…†Platinum Sukamon said cryptically, as it began to glow and then explode as a giant sauropod emerged. “Platinum Sukamon shinka! Brachimon!â€

“So, this is my new form… But what the hell happened to the digital world, and how did it assist in my transformation?†Platinum Sukamon asked no one in particular, as Iori was randomly summoned to the digital world and materialized on Infinity Mountain.

“Why am I here?†Iori asked, not in the philosophical way that most people would ask such a question, but just inquisitively, as one tends to do when suddenly teleported somewhere…

“Qinglongmon has his reasons…†Sora responded, as a recently revived Black War Greymon flew down…

“Well, Hikari and I should gather some plants or something, we need something to eat stranded in the digital world. Taichi and Yamato, find out what the hell happened to this world between chapters. Sora and Takeru, uh… Find something to do! Iori, stay and make sure the place we’re meeting back at doesn’t get leveled or something… Miyako ordered, winking at the older chosen.

“Hey! Don’t all disappear on me!†Iori yelled, but Miyako only smiled…

“Love can’t bloom when there are so many people around.†She said, looking towards Black War Greymon, as the inheritor of Curiosity and Sincerity blushed.

For reasons that are to be officially stated as “General Insanity†but are in reality merely an attempt to let the author avoid writing Ioblacku fluff, we now resume the fic three days from now, as the dark masters attempt to throw themselves against the chosen’s well-held positions.

“You can’t resist for long against Brachimon-sama!†A Tyrannomon taunted, as an Angemon-thrown staff impaled him.

“These are the digimon that call themselves the dark masters these days? How weak, how very weak.†Takeru said, his emotions a mix between anger and amusement that they adopted such a name.

“A perfect is ten times weaker then an ultimate, that’s true… But it’s still ten times stronger then a champion!†Brachimon yelled, charging. “Hammer Head!â€

“True, very true… But you forgot to consider that freedom of movement can be far more important in combat then raw power.†Takeru taunted, as the brachiosaurus began to sink.

“Kuso!’ Brachimon yelled, but then began to feel a surge of energy… “Brachimon shinka! Chaos Seadramon!†He yelled, turning into a black and white sea serpent. “Ultimate stream!â€

Aren’t you evolving a little too quickly?†Taichi pointed out rationally.

“Yeah, but… um…†The chaotic sea serpent began to think, and then his head exploded. The end.

“However, the horrendous serpent’s head exploding was not enough to destroy it once and for all. As the chosen left it for dead, the chaotic serpent grew a new head and floated away, as everyone knows that the seadramon line keeps their brains in their tail.†A Jijimon read to a listening group of young digimon…

Now, back to the main story…

With their master beaten, the attack seemed to end… But Platinum Sukamon was far too dark a digimon to be beaten that easily, and once more, as the digital world was rebuilt, rumors spread of a metallic Sukamon (How he devolved is anyone’s guess) causing massive destruction and evil…

However, the chosen weren’t investigating those rumors at all, and instead were in battle with another virus-type nightmare soldier, specifically Vamdemon…

“Wait a minute, first Pico Devimon revives, then Vamdemon? Can’t the author think up his own villains, or at least expand the roles of surviving ones?†Takeru asked, and the skied burned with hot flames…

“Do not question the author!†A voice growled from the sky

“Well, he’s found ways to come back from what we were sure was his death twice before, so who knows?†Miyako said, as Tailmon recklessly charged into battle fueled by blind rage at the rape and torture she had suffered at the vampire digimon’s hand, along with a desire to avenge the wizard digimon who had been her first love… One “Bloody Stream†left her an injured Nyaramon on the floor though.

“No… I can’t fall, this author’s looking for any excuse he can find to turn this into a Vamdemon/Tailmon rapefic…†Nyaramon gasped out, then fell unconscious.

“Nyaramon… You hurt Nyaramon, I’ll never forgive you!†Hikari responded, then displaying her ultimate cat androbot power, sent Vamdemon to the village of beginnings in thousands of pieces with a single punch.

“Well, that was easy…†Yamato said, sweatdropping at recent events.

Just then, a small squadron of Clockmon appeared from a randomly placed hiding tree. “Ishida Yamato, for continued use of logic and rational thought, you shall now be deported to the local reeducation chamber for rational citizens…â€

“So, rationality’s illegal now in this world… Very well then, Garurumon…†Yamato said coldly, and a blue wolf shot flames burning a few of the chronomancer digimon…

“Timeshift!â̈́ 4;

The battle against Vamdemon had just been won… “Well, that was easy…†Yamato said, sweatdropping at recent events.

Just then, a small squadron of Clockmon wearing fire-resistant gear appeared from a randomly placed hiding tree. “Ishida Yamato, for continued use of logic and rational thought, you shall now be deported to the local reeducation chamber for rational citizens…â€

“Very well then…†Yamato said, clearly smirking as the Clockmon came for him… 10 minutes later, the other chosen in the digital world heard a loud explosive noise, which they didn’t think much of until Hikari was hit on the head by the mallet of a Clockmon and various pieces of a bronze-looking metal began falling from the sky…

“What was that?†Hikari asked while rubbing her head.

“I’d say it was some sort of explosion, probably caused by a bomb of some sort…†Koushirou responded, as if he were explaining why people read Taikari lemons or something else equally obvious… (The answer, if you don’t know, being “For the plotâ€)

“We all knew that, but who blew what up, and why?†Takeru asked, ignoring Koushirou’s sudden entry into the fic.

“Uhh… I don’t know.†Koushirou said, nodding as the others sweatdropped.

“That’s not very helpful…†Miyako pointed out… “Then again, rationality is a terrible, terrible thing, so I’ll ignore that fact.†She added, smiling and glomping Hikari for no reason.

“In Soviet Russia, bomb explode you! Wait, that doesn’t work.†Koushirou randomly said, and then was whisked back to the human world…

“The gates between worlds are really fucked up now.†Ken commented, for the first time in ages.

“They must be fixed, or else, or else both worlds will be destroyed, and the terror of the forbidden badgers shall be unleashed upon human and digimon alike!†Takeru said fearfully, sounding as he did when speaking about Devimon. But as he spoke, a mysterious sword-like object flew through the portal between worlds and stabbed him through the heart.

“Takeru! Nooooooooooooo!†Sora yelled out loudly, crying over Takeru’s fatal wounds… “You died, before, before I could tell you what I must.†She said, a tear running down her face. “You never knew how strongly I felt, how much I cared for you.â€

At that moment, Takeru stood up unharmed by the dagger, and was promptly glomped by Sora… “Did I miss something?â€

“The gods of death are out of service at the moment, please try again later.†Yamato said, having returned from the scene of the explosion without anyone’s notice.

“They are?†Takeru said sadly… “Guess there’s no point in trying to stop the horrible evils that threaten both worlds, we’ll just have to wait.†And then, added smiling, “After all, there’s nothing we can do about it, so we might as well enjoy ourselves.â€

3 hours later, after various lemon scenes including Miyakeru in there somewhere, regardless of plausibility, the chosen had become sick of waiting and set out to fight the Ultimate Evil, when they once more encountered their old foe and the main “villain†of the fic, Platinum Sukamon…

“You got us into all of this. Giga Destroyer!†Metal Greymon said angrily, and Platinum Sukamon exploded, then recombined… “Okay, new quest, we find the gods of death.â€

“Agreed...†Ken added, and the chosen and their digimon began walking away in search of some clues to where the gods of death had gone… On the way, Wormmon was assassinated by Platinum Sukamon, taking a “filth†dagger through his heart, but he recombined and was once more on his way…

But the quest to find the gods of death was a hard one, as they lay not dead but just dreaming in somewhere akin to Ry’leh, where Cthulhu was holding them captive… And thus, the chosen set out for a diplomatic mission to convince Cthulhu to free the gods of death, and threaten him with some sort of international sanction if he did not…

So there the chosen were, off on an impossible quest, when suddenly someone rolled the proverbial natural 1 on the random encounter chart, and an enraged Gryphomon in the twisted nationalistic hopes that a Gryphomon could somehow free itself from the constant non-appearance in the various digimon series and fics, brutally attacked Hikari.

“Hikari-chan!’ Angewomon and Miyako both yelled, and then ran over to tend to her wounds…

“Come on, don’t you have a Gryphomon to fight?†Miyako asked…

“Yes, but there’s no other competent healer around.†Angewomon responded, and then they both went super-deformed with bolts of blue lightning coming out of their faces as they glared at one another.

Meanwhile, Gryphomon sweatdropped, wondering if anyone was planning to fight him… “Mobeius Bite!†He added, sinking his sharp teeth into Takeru in an attempt to provoke the chosen.

“Wait, shouldn’t my little brother be dead by now, he just took an attack from an Ultimate?†Yamato asked, and was gently reminded what fate awaited the rational.

“Hehehehe.†Takeru said evilly, as Gryphomon tried desperately to hang on to his arm. “Did you really think it would be that easy?â€

“You’re bluffing, those powers only work on viral nightmare soldiers, or “The powers of darkness†as you like to call them.†Gryphomon responded, not convinced.

“Right.†Takeru answered, and went back to having his arm eaten.

“Heaven’s Knuckle!†A beam of light shot from Angemon’s fist, deflecting harmlessly of Gryphomon’s odd-looking tail.

“You’re an Adult, he’s an Ultimate, you don’t stand a chance.†Ken pointed out, as a “Super Sonic Voice†sent Angemon to the ground, writhing in the pain it brought to his ears…

But even the greatest, save for ghosts and dragons, have a weakness, and in time, after taking massive injuries and the brutal murder of Hawkmon(Who instantaneously revived), it was found to be Garurumon flame. Once that was revealed, it took a simple “Fox Fire!†and the Gryphomon was driven off by a digimon two levels lower then it, and the chosen finally began to pick up the pieces and try to recover from having one of their digimon slain in a random encounter…

“So, what now?†Yamato asked.

“Isn’t it obvious? There aren’t any gods of death now, so it’s not like we’re any danger, we have to just keep going and find Cthulhu, err, Dagomon.†Taichi responded.

“No, it’s not that simple! For all you know death is still possible once you reach the dark ocean, and then all of us are doomed!†Yamato answered, punching Taichi.

“Even if that is the case, we have to try, without the possibility of death who knows what evil digimon could inflict upon the digital world?†Taichi replied, punching the bearer of friendship back.

Then they got into a fight and ended up having rabid monkey sex. The end.

“Author, you’re not supposed to end the chapter yet.†Miyako said angrily, her face expanding a hundredfold.

“What do you mean I’m not supposed to end it yet, this chapter was already 2050 words before that sentence!†A disembodied voice replied.

“That’s counting the author’s notes! And besides, weren’t you going to make this chapter longer then the ones preceding it?†Miyako asked angrily, and the author gave in, though he did first make a comment to the effect of “What author’s notes!â€.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled fanfic…

After some fighting and yaoi, the chosen had entered the misnamed “Dark Ocean†which was actually quite grayish in appearance. As they entered, a shadowy multitentacled creature appeared causing Hikari to recoil in horror, until he gently explained that he was Dagomon and asked if they were the diplomats he had been promised.

“Yes, we’re the diplomats.†Takeru explained.

Dagomon then retreated into the water, and came out carrying various spices. “Tell me, what do humans go well with? I haven’t had any in a long time.â€

Miyako yelled that they were the diplomats, not the food, and promptly had some spice which will remain nameless sprinkled on her.

“The treaty was that in exchange for freeing the gods of death, the digital world would send me twelve diplomats to eat as tribute, correct?†Dagomon asked.

“Yes, but since we are diplomats, we can also re-negotiate the treaty, correct?†Angewomon asked, loading up a “Heaven’s arrow.â€

“Right.†Dagomon responded, after some negotiation the gods of death were finally released in exchange for recognition of Dagomon’s claims to the dark whirlpool and a surrounding 1-mile buffer zone, and the chapter for once ended at a logical point to end a chapter.