Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ The penultimate bizzare digimon humor fic ❯ The legendary second chapter of doom! ( Chapter 2 )

The war had begun. The darkest of dark lords had returned to the digital world, and using the powers of darkness, had conquered a vast region, which he ruled through torture, causing misery to many innocent peace-loving digimon. If he was not stopped, this monster, this creature as powerful as one of the Holy Beasts, could prove to take over the digital world...

Meanwhile, on File Island, some of the chosen were preparing to face off against Platinum Sukamon.

"So, you've figured it out at last. I see you've defeated my underlings, but I will not fall so easily." Platinum Sukamon said coldly, his metal exterior betraying no emotion of any sort.

"You know, that's a lot more intimidating if your underlings aren't killed in one hit by a Gabumon." Yamato pointed out.

"So it is… Rare Metal Poop!" Platinum Sukamon said, firing a piece of what, in some distant universe beyond the fourth wall where digimon is only an anime series, would be called metal sludge by asinine dubbers trying to censor the series to fit in into a certain age bracket at the expense of it's integrity, in the general direction of Taichi

Taichi stood there unflinchingly, as one tends to do when attacked by a digimon weaker then it's child form, which made it all the more shocking when he found himself hit, knocked backwards, and on the ground writhing in pain.

"Impossible…" Yamato said looking on, hiding his concern for Taichi, and the Platinum Sukamon demonstrated that it was possible with another "Rare Metal Poop!" badly injuring the bearer of friendship.

"I will find it. Do not interfere!" The metallic "filth" digimon said coldly, glaring at the former digimon kaiser.

"Find it if you must, but I won't let you cause as much suffering as I did searching for it." Ken said back, equally cold-hearted.

"Wormmon shinka, Stingmon!" Ken's digimon partner said, turning into some sort of bipedal insectoid with long antennae.

"Hell Squeeze!" The green bug said, wrapping his long antennae around the "filth" digimon in an attempt to drain Platinum Sukamon's life out.

At this very moment, a few miles away, Takeru and Angemon had met up with Zeldagis and was fighting some sort of Mazoku lord called Dynast, or at least that's what the reports were saying…

"Fools… Don't they have the slightest notion of what's going on?" Platinum Sukamon mumbled cryptically, and the chosen began to smell something quite almond like…

"It's a trap!" A barely recovered Taichi yelled, and then demonstrating the courage that he was known for, ran away in fear.

"We can't run away, not until he's stopped! Digimental up!" Miyako yelled, holding up what looked like a green egg with a blue shuriken sticking through it.

"Hawkmon, armor shinka, Shurimon!" The bird digimon yelled, turning into a white ninja with blue shuriken for hands.

"Fools, do you think that can stop me! Poop slider!" The platinum digimon yelled, sliding on a trail of dung at his foe.

"Now, to send all these chemicals away! Autumn Wind!" Shurimon yelled, throwing a shuriken at the Sukamon recolor as Miyako sweatdropped.

"How the hell is that supposed to do anything about the poison!" Miyako yelled, her face expanding a hundredfold and her teeth turning into fangs.

"It was called Autumn Wind, of course I expected it to be wind-based!" Shurimon yelled back, his face expanding to equal size.

Meanwhile, Platinum Sukamon escaped. The chosen soon led an uneventful retreat.

Later, after skipping thirty-eight minutes which contained a meaningless boring trip somewhere, the legendary Battle of Freezeland at which the Yukidarumon army was turned back by a chosen-joined coalition of Sabirdramon, Zassomon, and Snow Agumon, and wound up thrown through a magic portal into what was probably somewhere in the western region of the continent of Folder, where they were now being briefed on what Pidmon had shown Miyako and Hikari recently and debating various methods of travel to said dimension that did not involve the slaughter of countless innocent Clockmon. But as they began the heated argument over whether attempts at teleportation would result in physically merging with a rabid Monochromon, it came…

As for what "it" refers to, let's just say it was a bipedal creature covered in armor with a huge sword…

And said huge sword was now coming down in an effort to slice the bearer of courage in half lengthwise… "Taichi, I'm scared!" Yamato said, jumping onto Taichi in fear and knocking the bearer of courage away from the sword… However, due to fanservice constraints, no homoerotic fight scene commenced afterward… And as Knightmon's sword came down towards Sora, the chosen of hope flew in with Angemon to save her with a single arrow, knocking back the armored digimon and transforming it's sword into a mere dagger…

"Hey! That Inu-Yasha reference makes little sense, and Takeru's not a decent archer except in Fallen Devimon's Saga!" The disembodied voice of a Panjyamon called out…

"Gomen" The author replied, and then went back to trying to think up a humorous reference to put in there in it's place, but failed and just had the sword retransform and come for the bearer of love once more…

Sora's memories began to flash through her head as the sword came down… Her first trip to the digital world, Garudamon's first appearance, her finally making up with her mother during the battle with the Bakemon, Takeru tackling her out of the way of an angry Snimon…(How'd that get in there) and then the massive blade came down.

It missed. A large crack formed in the earth, but otherwise the sword-swing was absolutely harmless… Meanwhile, he was suddenly stabbed in the back by a horde of vaccine-type digimon of the adult level…

"I've done my best, I don't have any regrets… Except the dying before fulfilling my purpose, that is…" The Knightmon said, and the data-type digimon then died a horrible death and got reborn as one of those random Elecmon that ends up getting tortured to death by the Royal Knights, or just one of Devimon's evolutions…

Meanwhile, far away in a different dimension, in the brain of some fanfic author, Taichi and Yamato were having hot yaoi intercourse, with Taichi as the uke…

But back in this dimension, Knightmon had been defeated, and the chosen attempted to find something to do in the digital world involving some semblance of a plot, but failed, when their attention was diverted by a spontaneously combusting Wizarmon…

"Wizarmon!" Tailmon cried out instinctively, hoping that somehow, someway, it was the one she knew so long ago, for at least then she would get to see him one last time, even if only for seconds… A foolish hope, but one she would carry with her eternally…

It wasn't the right Wizarmon though, just one which had died a heroic death, willingly exploding to take out the invisible Vamdemon which threatened to destroy them all… Tailmon managed to get hit with a flying detached arm of his anyway though.

"So, why did that Wizarmon just explode?" Sora asked, scratching her head…

"Do not question the logic of the fic! If you do something like that, the fourth wall could be broken and massive chaos could spill over into both worlds!" Miyako yelled out in an informative manner… "Instead, let's talk about something normal, like the significance of Wizarmon's death in the battle of Odaiba!"

"It's obvious, isn't it? Wizarmon's final action was to give the crest of light to Hikari, enabling me to evolve to Perfect and avenge him." Tailmon said, sadly remembering the events of that battle…

"I was thinking on a more allegorical level." Ken responded, being able to think of these events as allegory having not taken part in them.

"So, Wizarmon died to save humanity, and the bats represent the cross? Wait, what's Vamdemon then?" Miyako responded, trying to comprehend what the bearer of kindness was saying…

"I disagree, and since I can't find any corollary in Fushigi Yuugi, if anything I'd have to say it represents Raistlin Majere, turning away from dark ambition and into eternal suffering to save the rest of us." Takeru replied.

"Isn't dragonlance fictional?" Ken asked, sweatdropping.

"Isn't Christianity also fictional?" Yamato randomly piped in.

A random disembodied voice then came out of the clouds reminding Yamato not to alienate portions of the readership, and explaining that the viewpoints he expressed had nothing to do with the viewpoints of the author, who thinks Christianity is just propaganda by a certain Israelite god which had gained a lot of worshippers throughout Europe and the Middle East, and has a certain level of basis in fact (That basis in fact being that someone was crucified by the Romans in Judea for religious reasons sometime in the first century)

And now, back to the insanity!

"Besides, it won't work as Dragonlance allegory anyway, Raistlin truly was evil, but Wizarmon was just loyal enough to Tailmon to serve the darkness to be close to her." Yamato said, as Tailmon began crying over the death of the sorcerer digimon.

"So, if anything it represents Excel getting killed again on some stupid mission for ACROSS?" Miyako asked, scratching her head…

"Exactly." Yamato said, nodding as Takeru turned his head sharply to the right.

"So, another evil presence in the digital world… When will you virus-types learn to stay away from the powers of darkness?" Takeru yelled, throwing a rock into the woods that hit Devimon on the head.

"Ow! They really weren't kidding about it being the youngest that would destroy me!" Devimon yelled out in pain. "Now, Takeru, for revenge…"

"Wait a minute Devimon, didn't I kill you a few years ago?" Patamon asked, flying towards the dark lord.

"Oh, that's right." Devimon responded, and then disappeared to go try his luck in a different fic.

"And now, as the chapter winds down, what enemies shall face the chosen?" Taichi announced, pulling a small microphone out.

"It's obvious, isn't it? We take down Platinum Sukamon." Yamato said, as if explaining why you should never use a Dunsparce of any variety.

"It's not that easy, Oniisan. Platinum Sukamon disappeared after the battle, and he's probably hiding somewhere, not to come out until his evolu" Takeru began, and then turned and yelled "Miyako, Hikari, could you do that some other time!" his face turning a deep shade of red…

"Gomen nasai." Hikari responded while blushing. "Miyako-chan, you really should control yourself a bit more."

"What?" Miyako responded, stammering. "You wanted it too, Hika-chan, don't try to deny it!" She said, and then turning to Takeru, added "Platinum Sukamon won't attack, and it's unlikely we'll face a random monster of the day either, the author claims he won't resort to such things…" Hawkmon's partner began, and then smiling, added "So I guess we'll just have to do nothing of any importance for the rest of the chapter."

"In that case, can I end the chapter?" A disembodied voice probably belonging to the author asked hopefully…

"No, it's too short. Throw in a random scene filled with Sokeru innuendo or something, and then call it a chapter." Miyako responded, and the author nodded in agreement, scratching his head on how exactly to get such a scene written.

"Sorry, I don't have it in me right now… It's too bad, I really wanted to make any Taiora fans that read along this far cringe." The author said sadly.

"So, you're just going to end the chapter now?" Miyako asked.

"Yes…"