Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Why You Shouldn't Fall In Love With A Straight Boi ❯ When The Heartache Ends ( Chapter 6 )

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH A STRAIGHT BOI

By: Daisuke Motomiya

 

Author: cjtokage

Disclaimer: Don't own Digimon period. All poetry belongs to authors; names given below.

Warnings: Yaoi, song-fic, one-sided Daikeru (sorry), Taishiro (yeah), Takari (gag), Yamora (double gag),

 

Artist:Rob Thomas;Album:Something to be;Song title:When the Heartache Ends

 

Single `quotes' indicates thoughts

Italics indicates song lyrics

Bold Italics indicates poem verses

 

Chapter Six: When the Heartache Ends

 

Today

 

I decided to come out today

Yes, I told the whole world I was gay.

 

This was not as bad as I thought it would be.

No one threw rocks or bullets at me.

But it wasn't peaches and cream either, you see.

 

I got the expected laughs and scorns.

(I said “I can't help it. That's how I was born.”)

When I tell my parents, their hearts will be torn.

 

“A Fag! A Fag? I didn't raise no queer!”

This I know is what I will hear,

But don't worry. I have nothing to fear.

 

If they still love me, well then that's great.

And if not, well, I'll have to deal with their hate.

There's nothing I can do. This is my fate.

 

I decided to come out today.

You know, it was pretty easy to say.¹

 

By: Daisuke Motomiya

 

It has been exactly six months to the day since I was brought home from my idiotic attempt to run away. A lot has changed in my life and I owe most of the credit to Miyako, Ken, Iori, Tai, and Izzy. Sora and Kari have been a big help too considering that it was the two of them who stood up to their homophobic boyfriends and forced them to start accepting people like me, Tai, and Izzy. Heck, Kari even broke up with Takeru for a week because he hit me when I confessed my feelings of attraction for the blonde to the two of them. I wrote a letter letting them know about my orientation and that I had formerly had a crush on the younger blonde boy. Yes I have almost, finally, gotten over my infatuation with TK. It took a while after he apologized for giving me a black eye but we eventually returned to something similar to our former camaraderie. Actually we now have some thing better, because I no longer have my attraction shading my responses to his words or actions, and he and Yamato have overcome the fear of homosexuals that their parents tried to instill in them.

 

It's never easy and you never know

What leaves you crying,

And what makes you whole

There ain't no way that I can hold it down

Falling to pieces

Forever in doubt

 

Even though it has been six months I still can't talk. I have become used to communicating with pen and paper and have actually become quite good at writing. My language teacher says that I have a lot of potential in the written language field if I continue to put forth the same effort I am currently. Over all my grades have improved now that I am no longer dealing with depression and guilt over liking TK, plus it doesn't hurt that Izzy is tutoring me two afternoons a week at his apartment. He and Tai have become my mentors when it comes to being gay. Without them I would be in much worse shape than I am. They were with me when I told my parents about my orientation. They were there to back me up with facts and explanations about what it means to be gay and why it is not something that I can control or permanently change without doing even worse trauma to my psyche then has already been done. Basically they acted as my voice of reason, and just my voice period.

 

But it's alright

Why don't you tell me again

How you'll still be there

When the heartache ends

Well it's alright

Why don't you tell me my friend

How you'll still be there

When the heartache ends

 

On Monday and Thursday afternoons I go to see a psychiatrist. Yes, my parents insisted and I have to admit she has helped me become more comfortable with my situation as a whole, though we have both stopped expecting my voice to simply pop back into existence. It may come back, it may not, and while I have come to accept this condition I still hold out hope of finding that special something that will bring my ability to speak back.

 

There is an in-between time

When nothing sticks to me

There is no pain or pleasure then

There's just anxiety

 

And in this in-between time

I start to think of death

It isn't life I want to lose

It's the tightness in my chest²

 

By: Daisuke Motomiya

 

I still have bad days occasionally but then so does everybody sometimes. Nowadays when I'm feeling down; instead of bundling it up tightly inside; I tell my friends about it and let them help me work my way through it. Takeru is especially good at this being the Hopeful guy that he is, and Ken in his Kindness also helps hold me up. I am really glad that they no longer expect me to play the clown. My life is so much easier not having to maintain that mask. Now when I'm happy people know it; the same for when I'm sad, mad depressed, etc.

 

There ain't nobody who can show you how

To find the surface when you're underground

There ain't no blanket that can hide this cold

There ain't no memory

That ever gets old

 

“Hey Dai-kun quit fiddling with the stereo and get over here and blow out these candles!” Kari calls out.

 

Today though, today is not a bad day. In fact it couldn't be farther from it, after all today is my sixteenth birthday and all my friends are here at my apartment to help me celebrate. I leave the stereo on a song I like and race over to the dining room table where the cake and ice cream are laid out. I take my place in front of the cake and wait for everyone to sing that corny birthday song with a huge grin on my face. After they finish I pause for a moment and then I blow out the candles while keeping my wish in mind. We then all dig in and try to get as hyped up on sugar as we possibly can, even my image conscious sister has a small slice.

 

What, you want to know what I wished for; no way I can't tell you that cause then it won't come true, heh, heh.

 

When I owned a younger soul

I loved one person at a time-

I had no room for more than one,

And then the next in line

 

Older now, and far more torn,

I may have grown too much

Now I love the world at once

And none of it enough²

 

By: Daisuke Motomiya

 

I envy Tai and Izzy; they are so perfect for one another; why can't I find someone to love me like that. I have started to spend a lot of time with the two of them lately and I think that now I'm starting to develop a crush on both of them. `Kami, why can't my love life be normal?' I mouth to my self as I watch the two of them interact. Currently we're in the park tossing a Frisbee around, Tai, Izzy, me and Iori. Since its summer and we're out of school Tai decided that he and I needed to drag Izzy outside so he won't spend his entire summer break inside attached to his computer, and because Iori was over helping him out with a project we brought him along. It's so hot outside that we quickly lose our shirts and soak in the sun, after first applying sunscreen of course. Tai has been doing a good job of keeping Izzy out of the house this year and it shows in his evenly tanned lightly muscled physique, yum. Iori's no bad looker either, and you would think being around three gay dudes he would be a little hesitant about baring flesh but the boy yanked his shirt off right along with the rest of us, hmmm.

 

The other three guys yell out encouragement and insults as the situation warrants while I grin and smile a lot. You know, I no longer really mind not being able to speak. I've learned to listen better since I'm not running my mouth constantly and as a result have overheard some interesting things that I wouldn't have been able to learn otherwise. It's amazing how fast people forget you're around when you're not able to contribute verbally to a conversation. A few months ago I heard Kari telling TK that they could go to her apartment after school for a `quickie' since Taichi had soccer practice and her parents would be working late. We were at school, in a crowded hallway, going to our last class when I overheard them conspiring about that tryst. Hey, don't look at me like that; I was walking right beside them, plain as day. It's not my fault they forgot I was there. Other interesting news I've overheard; Tai and Izzy are taking yoga classes together and have purchased a copy of the gay Kama Sutra, yeah I laughed too; Mimi is over in America dating some millionaire's son, lucky gal; and finally I think Ken and Miyako are eyeing each other (A/N: triple gag).

 

But it's alright

Why don't you tell me again

How you'll still be there

When the heartache ends

Oh it's alright

Why don't you tell me my friend

How you'll still be there

When the heartache ends

 

“Hey do you guys want to get a pizza and come over to my apartment, kick back, and watch some movies” Tai ask me and Iori.

 

“Can't, I promised my mom I would help her in the yard some time this afternoon. If I don't want to break that promise I had better leave now. See you later, Dai, Izzy, and Tai” Iori told us as he was pulling on his shirt.

 

I gave Taichi a thumbs up to let him know I'm all for his plan. I then let him know through hand signals that it would be up to him to call my mom and let her know where I was. As we're walking in the direction of Tai and Izzy's apartment the two of them banter and flirt back and forth sometimes asking me yes or no questions or things that I can answer back simply with a few improvised hand signals. We stop at a cool little family owned pizza pallor located two blocks away from the, afore mentioned, apartment building. The two of them are going to be freshmen at the local university in the fall and since they both have full scholarships they decided to go together and rent a small two room one bath apartment before the rush of new students snapped up all the nice ones. This is cool with us younger D.D's because we now had a place to hang out away from the prying eyes of our parents.

 

We order a ham and pineapple pizza and a plain cheese pizza then sit outside watching the bustling crowd while waiting for our order to come up. Tai and Izzy have been acting weird around me out lately, I sometimes catch one of them watching me out of the corner of my eye but when I turn they are no longer looking at me, and some times it seems that they are almost flirting with me. I was a little bit pleased with the attention but I'm also scared because I did not want to be the cause of a break up between two of my friends. This places me in an awkward position so for now I have toned down my own flirting and I've also begun watching how the two of them interact more closely. So far I can see no signs of stress on their relationship so maybe I'm reading too much into the situation. Kami I hope so.

 

And I move all directions

To the corners and the outskirts

While the lovers and the lonely

Start to whisper all about me

 

“Hey Dai,” I refocus my attention outward and realize that Izzy is waving a hand in my face. “You back with us? The pizzas are ready so come on.”

 

`Oh' I shake my head a little to clear it of my previous thoughts then I give the two of them a cheeky grin. Izzy's carrying the pizza boxes the rest of the short trip to their apartment because as he stated “the two of you could eat a whole pie in the time it took me to turn around once.” He is probably more accurate in his exaggeration than he realizes, heh, heh.

 

Even after Tai opens the door Izzy continues to guard the pizzas while giving out orders. “Tai leave” slaps eager hands away “the pizzas alone” gentle push to the chest “for a few minutes” a completely unapologetic kiss to the cheek “and go call Dai-kun's parents then put on a `good movie'. Dai-chan can you grab us some sodas out of the fridge and then get some chips and such out of the cabinets to your left because I know that even two pizzas will not be enough for you two.”

 

I give Izzy a curious look at the attaching of the chan suffix to my name but he just gives me his own version of a cheeky grin then moves himself and the pizza boxes over to the loveseat that Tai's parents donated to the apartment. After setting the pizza boxes on the `coffee table' (if you ever saw this thing you would understand) that the two of them found behind the building shortly after moving in (they did clean it up but then went and painted it orange, bright orange, yeah its as bad you I'm sure your picturing it to be) Izzy made himself comfortable on one side of the couch with a pizza slice in each hand. By the time I'd gotten the drinks and other snacks Tai had placed himself on the other side of the couch leaving the middle to me. Before you go thinking that this is weird let me explain, you see it goes back to when I had first started hanging out with the two of them after my runaway attempt. I was still depressed and angsty and prone to burst into tears of frustration or sadness at the slightest things so after the second time of them pulling me over Izzy to comfort me this became the standard seating arrangement. It makes me feel appreciated when they do this because they are giving up cuddling time together in an effort to take care of me.

 

I'm once again pulled out of my thoughts as Izzy burst out “Tai not this brainless tripe again, how can you stand to watch this mess.”

 

“Oh come on this is a work of great American cinematography. It is on its way to becoming a classic production in the art of comedy” Tai attempted to counter.

 

“Koi its Happy Gilmore, aka something done by Adam Sandler; therefore it has utterly no intellectual content what so ever.”

 

“I know ain't it great” Tai finished smugly as he reached for an open bag of chips.

 

I just roll my eyes at their antics and make a grab for my fourth slice of ham and pineapple. This is the way it goes every time they watch a movie at home. Izzy wants stuff with at least some intellectual content, classics and dramas mostly, though he does get into all the explosions and chase scenes in action movies too. Tai loves horror movies and comedies the more pathetic the better. They usually swap turns so this must be Tai's night to pick. I seriously doubt that they actually watch much of any movie that is on when their alone though. Wow bad thought to have sitting right here between them though. That's happened a couple of times and I've had to spend the whole length of a movie with a bowl of popcorn over my lap praying that I wouldn't have to get up for any reason.

 

And if I stand here silent

I almost start to feel you fading in

Telling me `hold on'

`Cuz it's gonna be alright'

 

About a third of the way through Tai drapes his arm over the back of the couch and begins to gently massage Izzy's neck. I pay this no mind since its only mild flirting plus it happens every time I'm over. But you know how you can tell when people are communicating silently behind your back even though no words are being spoken; well that is what the two of them are doing back and forth over my head. I try to ignore it but after a few minutes I can't take it anymore and glance quickly at Tai catching him nodding his head then I turn my head back towards Izzy and catch him shaking his head no. I begin to panic a little bit because I have been on the receiving end of more than one of Tai's pranks and I automatically assume that's what they're arguing about. I try to stand up only to be brought back down by Tai's firm grip on my wrist.

 

“Dai-chan stop, whatever you're thinking it's probably wrong now sit down, please” Tai tells me a bit forcefully.

 

“Dai would we ever truly hurt you, no, so please sit down and let us explain… please!” Izzy adds in a gentler tone.

 

I reluctantly sit back down and wait for them to tell me what's going on. Tai begins slowly “Izzy and I have been…discussing something for the past few weeks and have recently come to an agreement. But since it includes you we began talking about ways to approach you about it. That's what we were arguing about just now, whether to talk to you about it now and also how to approach the subject.”

 

I have to turn and face Izzy as he picks up the thread of conversation. “You see Dai-chan, Tai and I both feel a growing attraction for you but we weren't sure what to do about it until we noticed you checking us out quite frequently. Since we both made a commitment to be completely honest with each other we confessed to each other only to find out that we both felt the same way. After talking about it for awhile we decided that our love for each other was strong enough to risk inviting you into our relationship. So…” Izzy trailed off.

 

“What we mean is…” Tai tried to pick up where Izzy left off.

 

Izzy found the words that he was looking for “We love you Daisuke Motomiya and would like to keep you near us in whatever way you're most comfortable with. Whether as a friend, a sometimes lover, or as a complete and united part of this bizarre little love triangle; we want you to be happy and loved. We think that we can give you that” Izzy concluded as the two of them wrapped me up in a hug.

 

Why don't you tell me again

How you'll still be there

When the heartache ends

Well it's alright

Why don't you tell me my friend

How you'll still be there

When the heartache ends

 

I sit there wrapped up between the two of them and think about it hard. I do feel attracted to them, I am completely comfortable around them, and they make me feel whole, like a part of me that I didn't even realize had been missing had suddenly come back. I sit up and with tears of joy streaming down my face I nod my head affirmatively. I suddenly have an ecstatic Tai pressing his lips to mine in a simple but thoroughly passionate kiss which is soon repeated with Izzy. In this moment I am happy; I never would have known a year ago that it would take not one but two people to fill the emptiness in my heart. I sit there happily pressed even tighter between the two of them. I may not be able to say it out loud now but some day I will be able to say those three simple words that are like no others `I love you'.

 

Say you'll be with me

When the heartache ends

 

FIN…

 

Original authors 1) Darren Wegkemp/ from XY Magazine #38

2) Bart Yates/ Leave Myself Behind

 

A/N: So end my little fic about heartbreak, loving someone you cannot have, and then finally, after seemingly endless pain, being able to move on with your life.

As Dark says to Daisuke Niwa in DNAngel “Your first love doesn't have to be your only love.”

 

Cool quotes: 1 “Loving all of it even when he had to hate some of it because he knows that you don't love because, you love despite, not for virtues but despite

faults” -William Faulkner

2 “Maintain a bit of summer even in the midst of winter” -Henry David Thoreau