Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ Beginning ❯ I See My Pain ( Chapter 10 )

To Greeneyes276: Thanks a lot, but recently, my stories have not been flowing smoothly, either. I've had a huge case of writer's block, and I was more busy reading fanfics than writing any. But perhaps, I will be able now to go on with the 6th chapter of 'Rebirth' - or at least I hope so.

A/N: **********REALLY IMPORTANT*********

Shiktona (or Shane Martinez) was so nice and wrote this little poem 'I See My Pain'! I liked it so much that I decided to write this chapter to it. It goes best between the chapters 2 and 3, but I think you can also read it on its own. Many thanks to Shane, she is the one who made this chapter possible! (and now I hope that I didn't misspell her name…)

I See My Pain

Yesterday, he had woken up in the tiny, dark cell. Today - or has it been more than a day already? He could not tell the time anymore because the grey walls were timeless. At one time, he had started counting seconds, and the seconds had turned into minutes and hours. A day. A whole day or even more, because between that counting, he had sometimes blacked out, and in the borderland between life and death, time became meaningless. But today, he had woken up to the cruel sting of the Agiel right in between his shoulder blades.

My body 's broke

He had been sent into a coughing fit, almost choking on his own blood. It had hurt so badly, even worse than the blast he had shielded Vegeta from. But he knew he would always get up to face her. Collecting his strength, he had managed to get his feet under him before she had decided to give him another example of the Agiel's abilities. He would always get up because that was all he could do.

My soul is burned

He had not been able to protect his father. No, he had been too weak for that. He had been selfish, wanting the monster to suffer for his pleasure. He had not listened, and this was his punishment. Was he in hell? No, he did not believe in the concept of hell. There was only the Home For Infinite Losers. A harsh chuckle poured over his lips. Yes, it was his fault that he knew about HFIL. If he had been stronger, his father would not have died the first time, and neither the second time. They would be living happily together, never thinking about concepts like Hell or HFIL. How he longed for a normal family. But he had destroyed that chance. It was his fault.

My mind is gone

Between the few clear moments he had, he was caught in a delirious haze of pain and guilt, his sole focus being the rod that was hurting him so much. Even when he had his eyes open, he did not see what was in front of him because it was always the same. Always the same. Only the pain was changing. Sometimes it increased, sometimes it decreased, like the tides in an ocean. An ocean of pain.

Completely turned

Oh, his mind produced strange analogies, but they were fitting. An ocean of pain. The wasteland at death's doorstep. The molten lava pulsing through his veins, burning, searing. He had learned a lot about pain. All the different levels, from a low throbbing throughout his body to an agony so great that his mind could not grasp it. It would simply shut down then, but she would make him aware again.

I block off the pain

He tried to endure, to suffer silently, to keep his spirits high, but he had to face the harsh reality and realize he was failing. Failing badly. He tried to think of anything else, to focus on pleasant memories, but she had the uncanny ability to make her appear at the center of his attention. The rod was dancing over his body, petting him painfully, jabbing him when he was expecting it the least. He tried so hard. He did not want to show her how much he hurt. He tried to forget the pain. But he failed.

as best I can

He failed badly. Like he had always failed. He had never been more than a failure. He could never be as strong as his father. Mostly because he had killed him. His father had to sacrifice himself for the sake of the world. Just because he had failed to defeat Cell. Was this his punishment? Perhaps the gods had decided that HFIL was still too good for him, and instead left him to suffer while he was still living. But for how long would he be living?

but I lose my strength

His strength was giving out beneath him, and the moment of clarity, the moment when he had found time to curse himself, was gone as if it had never existed. She had plunged him right back into the haze that surrounded the dangerous border between life and death. He was fighting to surface again, to get away from the gaping abyss opening in front of him, but she held him right there with immovable strength. His fight was mindless, merely his deepest survival instincts reacting; and slowly, in a humongous effort that cost him a lot of his precious reserves, he managed to tip the balances towards life.

and it starts again

His conscious mind surfaced from his last brush with death, and he almost wished he hadn't. His broken arm hurt so much, and his throat was so sore from the coughing he had done earlier that morning. Or was it already another day? He could not tell anymore, and he didn't care anymore. It was his body that was trying to catch his attention by screaming warnings through his overloaded nerves. She was stroking the Agiel softly over his bare chest, and from the grin on her lips, he could read that she liked how he was writhing in agony. She once had said that she liked the look in his eyes when he had just come back from the wasteland, and that she would always try to get it back onto his face. Without any forewarning, she pressed the tip of the Agiel against his tail-spot, and a searing wave of pain swept through him, burning away at his mind, starting the vicious circle of agony and pain again.

I start to lose

Yes, in his few wakeful moments, he realized that he was starting to lose. His life was slowly draining away, and the pain was eating at his mind. How long would he be able to resist her? How often would he be able to open his eyes again after she had brought him back from death's doorstep? When would his strength finally give out and make him stumble over the edge?

my sanity

When would his mind be so clouded that he couldn't distinguish reality from his imagination anymore? More than once, he had retreated himself into his own fantasy-world, where everything was fine. Where there was no pain, no guilt, no Cell, no Agiel. Where everybody was living happily, his mother, his brother, his father, … and Mistress Denna. Where nobody would worry about anything.

but I still fight on

Those illusions were the hardest to shake off, because he actually WANTED to believe them. He wanted to have the perfect family, the perfect life, the perfect world. But some small details would always make his fantasies shatter, whether he wanted it or not. Sometimes it would be as small as a butterfly that was caught in a spider's web. It seemed that even in his own little world, he could not escape from the death that was surrounding him. And that was what he was fighting. Death. Oh no, not his death. He didn't care about what happened to him. He only cared about others. And he had to live because they would be sad if he was gone. He was fighting for them.

because I can see

He was fighting for them because it tore at his heart to see them hurt. He had seen all the pain and all the grief he had caused, and he hated himself for it. His mother had looked so infinitely broken when he had brought her the sad news of his father's death. And every night, she was crying herself to sleep, thinking that nobody heard her. But Saiyan ears were keen. He had been able to see that her once happy face was turning into one of sorrow and anguish, and she had suddenly looked so old… with eyes speaking of suffering well beyond any human limits.

that in her eyes

His mother's eyes were so different from those harsh, cold, blue ones piercing his soul. Mistress Denna had forced him to look at her, and he couldn't help but shudder at the cruelty lurking behind those two mirrors shimmering in the color of honed steel. She always made him catch her stare when she was feeling up to it; but at other times, she punished him sharply for as much as even glancing at her. Honestly, he didn't understand her - most of the time. The only time when he thought he had glimpsed a fraction of her true self was during that very first lesson. But what exactly was that what he had seen?

there's something strange

Those icy blue mirrors had come down for a split-second, and he had seen something strange lurking behind them. When he thought about it - he had not only seen it once, but many more times. He had always seen it after he had fought his way back from the borderland, from that infinitely black abyss that was patiently waiting for his soul. He must have caught her unaware then, because she had seemed to have let her guard down; and that being, that woman behind the cruel mask, was nothing like the heartless, twisted monster delighting in bringing pain to others.

in her eyes

Her eyes had suddenly seemed so vulnerable, so tender, so full of emotion. The innocent girl that must have been buried deep inside her mind, was silently begging him to help her, help her escape from that cruel woman she had become. Those eyes were so questioning, so pleading; and something he could not immediately recognize was dancing through them. He tried to look closer, advancing towards her until their noses and their foreheads almost touched. Then, all of a sudden, he realized what he was looking at and reeled back in shock. In her eyes, he found a mirror image of himself. Her eyes looked as guilt-ridden and haunted, as pained and hurt as his. In her eyes… Yes, in her eyes…

I see my pain.