Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ The Ref: Anime Style ❯ Act 1 ( Chapter 1 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Arigatomina 
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 12.19.2002 | Pages: 6 | Words: 7.0K | Visits: 481 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 12.19.2002 | Pages: 6 | Words: 7.0K | Visits: 481 | Status: Completed
This is a Christmas humor-fic.
Author's Notes: This fic is based on the movie 'The Ref,' and the dialogue was taken almost verbatim from that movie. I did this for Christmas, and I think it turned out very nicely. I didn't want this cut up, but it was too long to post otherwise.
Category: Anime, Yu Yu Hakusho, Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing, Rurouni Kenshin, possible others, Yaoi, AU-fusion with a movie
Warnings: extremely foul language (done for humor), multiple character bashings (don't take them personally, it's for fun), guaranteed OOC (out of character - again it was done for humor), humor (of course), shonen ai
Pairings: mostly KuramaxHiei, 1x2, and hints of others
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Website/Complete Archive: http://www.geocities.com/arigatomina
The Ref: Anime Style
Act 1
A light frosting of snow covered the ground of the small town, the people traveling the streets with a merry Christmas cheer. And that was to be expected. The children glowed with the expectation always seen on the eve before that happy day, one such group pausing around the manger display. It was done up every year, in the little clearing opposite the semi-famous Maxwell Church, and the children huddled around the small statues of Mary, Joseph, and their loving visitors. Only the empty crib disturbed the scene as the chief of police passed through the flurry of gentle snow. The short pink-haired woman shook her head at the gossiping children, the disapproving parents frowning sadly over the missing baby Jesus. She turned away from them, smiling at the cluster of carolers outside the warmth exuding church, only pausing long enough to compliment Father Maxwell on the children's improvement. A few steps later she waved to two officers. The town was so small the police station rested alongside the church, but that too added to the warmth of the peaceful place. The tall orange-haired young officer tipped his hat at her when she climbed the stairs, his cheerful grin making her snort and shake her head.
Smiling at his partner, the officer passed the church himself, walking down the street to where his squad car was parked, his partner a few steps ahead of him. The owner of the bookstore had already closed shop for the evening, and the orange-haired man glanced up to the office above that gleefully decorated shop. Dim light shown through the dark curtains, the streetlamps beyond illuminating the sign. He shook his head at the thought that someone would be unhappy enough to visit such a place on Christmas eve, then he climbed into his car to begin his final round for the night. Above the street, the lights continued to shine on the sign, 'Dr. Chang, Marriage Counselor' blazing over the pale background in stark black letters.
* * *
"I want you two to try something that should help you both. Each of you will have a turn, but I want you to *take* turns. One speaks, and the other listens." Dark brownish-black eyes crinkled a bit as Wufei struggled to smile at his patients. His face felt stiff already, and he'd only just begun the session. But that was what he'd come to expect from these two. "The good thing about this is that while one of you is speaking, the other isn't." Green eyes met him easily as the red-haired male nodded with a bright smile, and Wufei glanced to the other one. A very unhappy, but somehow bored expression met him and his forced smile widened a fraction. "That way, while one is talking, the other one can hear what the one is saying." Rubbing his temple, he reclined in his chair, letting the smile disappear with relief. "Who wants to go first?"
"I do," Kurama said quickly, leaning forward in his chair. Red hair fell over his shoulders and his eyes bore into the black-haired doctor. "See, I had a dream last week, a really strange one. I was-"
"Not the dream," Hiei muttered, red eyes narrowed to slits. His hands curled around the arms of his chair and he sent a glare to the doctor. "Is it necessary to talk about *dreams*?" The Chinese doctor returned his glare with a pointed look and he snorted softly, leaning back in his chair. His glare shifted to his mate.
"-in this restaurant," Kurama continued, oblivious to the interruption, "a really nice one. And this waiter comes to my table carrying a tray. He sets it down and when he takes off the cover it's a salad, it's Hiei's head on a plate of spinach, with his penis in his ear." The dark-eyed doctor blinked and Kurama nodded quickly. "Yes! I know! And I looked up at the waiter and said, 'This isn't what I ordered,' and he said 'You must try it, it's a delicacy.'" Dr. Chang was staring at him with an odd expression, but the man nodded slowly and Kurama shook his head. "He said, 'Try it, but don't eat the penis, it's only...garnish.'"
The green-eyed male was watching him expectantly and Wufei cleared his face, finger tapping his temple as he looked at Hiei. The slender male was glowering at his mate. "Hiei, what do *you* think about the dream?"
Hiei let out a sharp breath and frowned at Kurama, his left eyebrow twitching. "I think he should stop telling it to our acquaintances when we're eating." His lovely mate frowned back at him and Hiei turned sharp eyes on the doctor. "Dreams shouldn't be shared. Right?"
The red-eyed male growled the question, but Wufei wasn't affected. Shaking his head, he looked between the two of them. "It isn't my place to make judgments," Wufei said, lifting a pen and tapping it against his leg. With a solemn expression, he looked back to Kurama. "I will say that communication is healthy." The redhead nodded with a slow smile but Hiei's growl denied that bit of advice.
"Healthy?!" Biting back his growl, Hiei stewed for a second before glaring at Kurama again. "Him telling people that he dreams about me being castrated and served as dinner is *healthy*?"
Wufei's lips twitched, but he held tight to his calm expression. "Tell me, are there any sexual problems in the marriage?"
Kurama stiffened a bit when Hiei slowly turned to stare at him, the silent warning to shut up read easily. Frowning back at the irate male, he lifted his chin and glanced to Dr. Chang. The Chinese man raised an eyebrow at him and Kurama licked his lips. "To tell the truth, we haven't been intimate in...quite a while." The man nodded slowly and Kurama leaned forward in his chair. "And before that it really wasn't...what's the word I'm looking for...?" Hiei's glare burned into his neck and Kurama glancing over the ceiling before his eyes lit up. "Noteworthy."
Lips rising into a slight sneer, Hiei watched as the doctor wrote a note in his book. He knew very well that Kurama wasn't finished, and he tensed in his chair even more, red eyes glued to the babbling male's confiding expression.
"On our last anniversary," Kurama continued, his tone one of long suffering but sad acceptance, "he kept complaining the entire time and I saw no reason to draw it out. The whole thing was over in about the time it takes to make a cup of cappuccino. It's no wonder I had an affair."
A bolt ran through his back and Hiei dug his fingers into the chair to keep himself from leaping out of it, his incredulous expression glued on Kurama's calm face. "How could you tell him all of that so casually," he inquired, his voice cold, "as if you were requesting a cup of tea?"
"Actually," Kurama blinked, clearing his throat and looking at Dr. Chang. "Could I have a cup of tea? I'm a little parched."
"Why don't you have oral sex, too!" Hiei spat, jerking in his chair. "I'll go wait in the car!"
"No!" Frowning at his lover's insult, Kurama twisted to look at him. His glare met the back of Hiei's head and he stared at the male's white scarf for a second. A sharp 'ping' made him jump and he blinked in surprise at Dr. Chang's frown.
Wufei moved his hand away from the bell, frowning at the two of them. His hand rose, and he pointed the pen at the angry black-haired male. "Hiei, how do you feel about Kurama's affair?" Red eyes flicked open, but a quick voice spoke first and Wufei bit back a groan as Kurama answered.
"He wants me to wear a scarlet 'A' on my chest and hide in the basement," Kurama frowned, glaring when Hiei gave a sharp nod.
"What's unreasonable about that," Hiei murmured, red eyes snapping to the side to pin his upset mate.
Leaning forward, Kurama raised his hands to the doctor. "Everything's so simple to him," he cried, green eyes glittering in a plea for understanding. "He just doesn't see where he's responsible."
Hiei flinched, his mouth opening in disbelief.
"It just didn't *mean* anything," Kurama said, his voice rising a bit before he gained control of it. "It shouldn't even *count* as an affair." His hands fell in his lap and he let out an exasperated sigh.
Staring at Kurama, Hiei's expression blanked suddenly. There was a glint in his eyes when he turned to pin the young doctor with an intense stare, his brows lowering. "I think we need a ruling on this."
* * *
The last flakes of gentle snow fell to a bright driveway in front of a large white mansion. Tendrils of smoke curved around a dark bush, emitted from the cigarette burning inside a cracked window. The little gray car was silent, but the small man inside puffed away anxiously on his cigarette, one hand rubbing his bald head as he stared at the windshield. The keys were in the engine, more than ready for a quick start and speedy getaway. Inside the mansion, the basement was alive with motion. A dark figure knelt in the shadows of a finely decorated den, the small hand-held computer flashing green over his dark eyes.
His tall, jaggedly spiky hair cast odd shapes beyond the screen, but his eyes were focused on the numbers. The access code was the last one written, and he smirked with satisfaction. Putting aside the small computer, he entered the code into the safe, his evil smirk widening. It was so easy. The latch gave with the lightest of pulls and he leaned forward eagerly, his eyes glinting from the cotton facemask he wore. A flick of his fingers turned on the light attached to his forehead and he leaned closer to the safe. The sound of a cat's cry made him tense, and he was hit with a spray of dampness that caught him completely off guard.
For a moment Vegeta blinked in disbelief, then he tore the mask off, staring up at the small sprayer that had soaked him in strong scented liquid. His nose wrinkled and he wiped his mouth furiously. "Cat piss!" The safe was forgotten as he gagged, wiping his mouth on the inside of his sleeve.
* * *
They were much calmer now, after he'd forced them to sit in silence for twelve minutes, and Wufei finally sighed. "Hiei, are you still upset about the affair?"
With a sigh of his own, Hiei folded his arms over his chest. The doctor was waiting and he rolled his eyes. "I don't care anymore. I just don't want to talk about it."
Wufei tilted his head, frowning a bit before blinking at the calm male. He really did sound much better. "So what do you want from the union now?"
"I want to stop *talking* about it," Hiei said, his voice holding a low warning tone. "I don't want anything. I am content."
"Liar!" Turning, to stare at his mate, Kurama's eyes widened. "You're such a liar! You're so unhappy you can hardly *breathe*, and *I* feel that. And *I'm* miserable! How can we both be in the marriage and I'm miserable and you're content?!"
Hiei's lips twitched, but he kept his expression sober as he met Kurama's hurt gaze. "Luck?"
Wufei could tell by the way Kurama's mouth snapped open that a bicker was about to begin and he intervened. "Kurama, what do you want from the marriage?"
"Oh," Hiei murmured, his eyes glinting, "this should be good."
Kurama flinched. "And what does that mean?!"
Turning to stare at the redhead, Hiei leaned on the arm of his chair, eyes dark. "That you don't know *what* you want," he explained scathingly, "and you blame everyone else for it." The doctor leaned forward and Hiei turned to include him. "He's impossible to satisfy. He lives in his own fantasies. Do you want to know about Kurama's miserable life?" His teeth gnashed and Hiei focused entirely on Dr. Chang's startled expression. "He lives in a wonderful house-"
"Which his foster mother owns," Kurama muttered.
Hiei continued, "I have a good job-"
"Which his mother owns!" Kurama cried. The doctor opened his mouth looking between him and Hiei, and Kurama leaned on the edge of his seat. "We're in servitude to that woman for a loan she's charging us eighteen percent on!"
Hiei frowned, glaring to the side. "We took out a loan," he said sharply, "we have to pay it back."
"No," Kurama cried, returning the glare, "*you* took out a loan! It was your decision, not mine! You took out a loan from psycho-mom!"
"He blames my mother for everything that's gone wrong in *his* life," Hiei growled, looking at the doctor. "In the meantime he never finishes anything he starts. Interior decorating courses, Scandinavian *cooking* courses, home and *garden* courses, existential philosophy courses-"
"At least *I'm* not afraid to go *after* my dreams!" Kurama cried.
"To be what?" Hiei countered, "Somebody who examines Lott fish to prove the nothingness of being? It's no wonder our son's so confused."
"Oh! See?! He blames me for Duo! Is that right?!"
Wufei flinched away from Kurama's demanding expression, his hands flying in front of him as he shook his head. "I'm not here to judge or take sides!"
"Then what the hell good *are* you?!" Kurama growled. He turned to glare at Hiei, his eyes flashing between anger and hurt. "You're the one who suffocated him with limitations! Our son is a very sensitive and creative boy-"
"Juvenal delinquent!" Hiei spat.
"Boy!" Kurama continued, his voice rising, "He has the kind of imagination-"
"That the mafia gives scholarships for," Hiei growled. Turning, he caught Wufei's eye. "In the ninth grade we told him he could get a job. You know what he did?!" The doctor's hand rose to rub his temples, hiding his eyes, but Hiei continued unchecked. "He started an *escort* service for the football team, and he gave out my *mother's* phone number!"
With an evil grin, Kurama laughed. "And I *still* say that getting laid by an eighteen-year-old line-backer is *just* what she needs!"
Wufei's head was throbbing and he lunged forward, his palm slamming against the bell. "Please! Let's lower our voices!"
Kurama and Hiei both snapped around, their glares identical. "Fuck you!"
* * *
The lovely diamonds glittered the brightest among the jewels, and Vegeta handled them with the delicacy their worth demanded as he emptied the velvet-lined cases into his pack. The flashlight in his mouth focused on each one and it illuminated the vault as he reached the last case. It was a small ring box, and he took the light in his hand to focus it on the stone revealed. That diamond was so large he just knew it had to be worth as much as all the other jewels combined and his lips curved in a dark smile. "Heh."
Reaching in, Vegeta's thin latex gloves rubbed cool metal as he grasped the small box. But when he pulled there was a surprising resistance, the box only coming forward an inch or two at most. The hairs on the back of his neck would have raised if his hair didn't already defy gravity, and he froze as a dull clicking sounded in the walls. His eyes turned upward and he clenched his teeth when the light showed a small red circle set into the ceiling. The metal around it was spinning with an ominous sound. With an irritated hiss, he grabbed the red piece and jerked on it, meaning to tear it from the wall.
Outside, lights snapped on around the mansion, an alarm sounding in the quiet night with a piercing cry of 'burglary' that echoed in the basement. Vegeta growled, but his furious cry was cut off when the ground suddenly disappeared beneath him and he fell, sliding down a metal shoot and landing hard on his back somewhere below. His gun spiraled across a dusty floor and unknown to him, since he was momentarily stunned by his landing on a stack of plywood, the weapon came to rest at the feet of an attentive watchdog.
Inside the small gray car, the getaway man's eyes widened as the alarm continued. The sirens made him shake for a second, then Krillin let out a cry and fumbled for the keys. "Vegeta! Oh, where *is* he?!" Throwing his cigarette out the window, he shook in the driver's seat, not sure what to do.
In the well-lit subbasement, Vegeta's eyes opened dazedly to a low, worrisome sound. Pushing achingly to a sitting position, he turned to stare at the source of that growl. Dark eyes flashed at him along with sharp white teeth and he rose quickly, grabbing a thick stick on the pile near him. He lifted it as if he were about to bat a homerun, but paused. The dog remained sitting a few feet from him, growling and barking with a hungry note that made him both uneasy, and angry. His lips curved into a dark smirk, and he grabbed the pool ball lying where he'd found the stick. Lifting it, he turned the smirk on the dog. "Want to play ball," he said softly, his low voice carrying a hint of the mirth he felt at the thought of braining the stupid mutt.
Vegeta's arm arched back and he flung the ball straight at the black dog's head. Then his eyes snapped wide when the ball was caught between wide jaws and promptly chewed to tiny splinters. He was frozen again, but he forced himself out of it, glaring into the pack attached to his waist. Pulling the cheapest necklace he could find, he held it up in front of those still hungry eyes. "How about this?" he asked, his voice not quite so merry now. The dog followed the movement as he wagged the bright piece, and he tossed it to the side.
The dog was as stupid as he'd hoped, and Vegeta darted across the room, pausing only to snatch up his gun as he made for the window he'd spotted. He was just climbing out when hot pain made his face twist. "Ah!"
Red and blue glowed over the snow as police cars rushed toward the mansion, and they passed right by the dark spot at the edge of the lawn. The ground there was clear of snow, but the officers were in too much of a hurry to notice the pile of cigarette butts lying on the damp drive, the single smoldering butt giving out a rise of dying smoke.
* * *
The little store was decorated nicely for the holiday, with multicolored strings hung along the edge of the roof. The tiny parking area was empty when Hiei drove into it, and he stopped the van, not bothering to turn off the engine. Beside him, Kurama frowned for a second before turning to look at him. "You can divorce me," Kurama offered, his voice almost pleading, "I mean, I don't care about alimony or anything. You can say that...that I was unfaithful."
Hiei blinked, turning a droll stare on his eager mate. "You *were* unfaithful," he reminded him.
Kurama frowned, nodding slowly. "That's why I said you could say it," he said, not quite understanding Hiei's expression.
"But you said it as if it weren't true," Hiei explained patiently, "as if I could just say it to get a divorce. Except it *is* true, and we're *not* getting a divorce." Bright green eyes blinked at him and he relaxed in his seat, flicking on the radio.
With a quick glance out the window, Kurama turned back to Hiei. "Aren't you coming in with me?" he asked in surprise.
"No," Hiei said, his eyes darting to the side. "I want to hear the news. There *is* a world beyond our problems, Kurama."
"Ugh!" Rolling his eyes, Kurama shoved the door open and got out, pausing in the snow. "You know, Hiei, just because you've made your little *decree* about this divorce doesn't mean I'm giving up on it." The black-haired male smirked suddenly and Kurama frowned, wariness making him tense.
"The day you see anything through to the end," Hiei drawled, "is the day I'll stick my own dick in my ear." The tall redhead blinked before glaring and he turned back to stare at the radio as the door was slammed shut. Frowning as he was alone, Hiei didn't notice the dark figure that trudged past his van and up the wooden steps to the store. He was far too deep in thoughts about his infuriating but addictive mate to worry about some stranger.
Kurama had a splitting headache that he blamed entirely on his stubborn husband, and he could barely keep his mind on the things he needed to buy. Suddenly, it didn't seem to matter whether they had enough paper towels at the house for the family members coming to dinner. He didn't care any more. He reminded himself of that as he unerringly grabbed a roll anyway, and he didn't notice the black-haired man watching him. It wasn't until something hard shoved against his back that he froze, and he nearly shivered at the tight grip on his shoulder. A low voice whispered almost directly in his ear and Kurama's eyes widened in shock.
"Don't talk, don't move," Vegeta warned, black eyes darting around the store. The clerk was busy arguing with someone and he shoved the gun harder against the slender redhead. "There's a gun at your back." A slight jerk passed through the male and Vegeta prodded him forward, past the dropped items and toward the door.
Hiei frowned when Kurama practically jumped into the van, the male's heavy breaths catching his attention first. Then the back door was opened and a black-haired man climbed into the back seat. "What's going on?" he growled at Kurama, eyes flashing dangerously. "Who's he?"
Teeth gnashing, Kurama glared at the oblivious male. "He's a world beyond our problems which is now our problem," he growled, throwing Hiei's words back in his face. The red-eyed male frowned but froze when a gun was suddenly lifted over the edge of the seat and shown to him.
"Shut up," Vegeta warned.
"Kurama," Hiei said without thinking, "are you all right?" The gun pressed his cheek and his eyes snapped to the side as he froze, looking at the dark barrel.
Leaning close to the male's seat, Vegeta glared at him. "Drive."
* * *
The police station sported more lights than any other building in the peaceful town, sparkling decorations outlining each window and curled around the bare branches of the trees and bushes in the small lawn outside. Inside the chief's office, voices were recriminating the leader.
"How could this happen in Paradise? Why weren't there more police patrolling the streets?" Holding a newspaper in front of the small woman's desk, the tall, black-haired man frowned. "This man has been terrorizing the entire county."
"Look," the lieutenant sighed, her lips curving into a partially patient, partially mocking smile. "I'd put more men on the street," Genkai said, "but they aren't qualified for this sort of thing." The only woman in the group of three outraged adults frowned at her, raising an eyebrow, and Genkai titled her head, waiting.
"And why not?" Chi-chi demanded. "They *are* police, aren't they?"
Smiling, Genkai shook her head. "They have no experience. Nothing every happens in this town." The woman and two men frowned at her, but she paid them little mind, hopping out of her chair and moving to the small coffee pot near her desk. "The only time we get a call from you *people* is when some kid is playing a practical joke, or your gay dogs start humping each other without permission." The black-haired woman's face turned bright red and Genkai hid her smirk. It was so easy to embarrass the uppity fools. "Any time there's real trouble you people call your judge friends, your attorney general friends, your district attorney friends..." Returning to her seat, she leaned over the paperwork she'd been working on, not looking up at the three outraged people. "Well, why don't you call them now and get the hell out of my office."
"Now," Karasu warned, running a hand through his long hair, "it doesn't necessarily have to *be* your office, Lieutenant Genkai. I'm calling an emergency meeting of the old Paradise emergency community committee." The man and woman to either side of him nodded sharply and he lifted his chin when the pink-haired lieutenant glanced up at him with a bored expression. "And I'll be suggesting at that meeting that our volunteers patrol our streets to protect our homes. And if you would like, Lieutenant Genkai, I'll even speak to the mayor, who happens to be an old friend of mine, about finding you a replacement, since you don't like it here in Paradise. And maybe I'll just tell him that...uh...you've hit into a water hazard and you're in way over your head!"
The man stared at her in pompous authority and Genkai let a second pass so he could enjoy it. Then her eyes hardened. "Get out."
* * *
"Authorities have speculated that the thief may still be in the immediate area..."
"Shit." Vegeta ground his teeth as he listened to the radio, glaring at the darkness as the van traveled along. Hearing that roadblocks were to be set up by the state police, he cursed again, waving a hand over the front seat. "Turn it off!" He didn't know what to do, and he rubbed his head, frowning as he tried to think of something. He hadn't planned on anything like this. "Damnit. Shit."
The muttering curses continued for a few minutes before Kurama couldn't keep silent any longer and he frowned a bit, glancing back at the furious and antsy criminal. "I can't believe they'd go to all that trouble for a thief. I mean, it's not like you killed anyone."
Snorting softly, Vegeta nodded at the redhead. "I know. Silly, isn't it." Green eyes met him far too easily and Vegeta's eyes narrowed a bit. "But it's still early, right?"
"What's that smell?" Hiei frowned, glancing back as he drove.
Vegeta's back straightened and he glared furiously. "Shut up!" The driver turned back to the road and he growled, shaking his head. "Take me to your house."
Hiei's eyes widened for a second before narrowing again. "Now listen, we'll take you wherever you want and drop you off, and we won't tell anyone. Believe me, we're no heroes for the common good-"
"I can vouch for that," Kurama piped in helpfully, "Hiei's no hero-"
"Enough, okay?!" Glaring from Kurama to Hiei, Vegeta growled at the both of them before settling on the driver. "I said take me to your fucking house! I have to think..." he muttered, falling back into the seat. "Fuck..."
Kurama sat for a few seconds in tense silence before he heard a tiny 'hn' and noticed that Hiei was wearing an odd little smile, not a happy one at all. Turning his head, he kept his voice to a soft whisper. "What?" His mate shook his head, not glancing at him, but that smile remained. "What?"
"Nothing," Hiei whispered back, still not looking away from the road.
"No," Kurama whispered back, frowning, "what was that laugh for?"
"Oh, like you don't know," Hiei said, his lips pulling a bit more into a disgusted smirk.
"No, I don't!" Kurama glared, having trouble keeping his voice down.
"Oh, sure, right. 'Hiei's no hero, I can vouch for that.' Thanks a lot!" Hiei growled, his voice rising sharply.
"Oh, please," Kurama cried, rolling his eyes. "I was just trying to-"
"Go to hell," Hiei snapped.
Vegeta's eyes were wide as he leaned forward to look between the two males, and his voice was a soft warning. "Shut *up*..." They obeyed for two seconds before the redhead's tight whisper made his mouth fall open.
"This never would have happened if you'd come into the store with me," Kurama accused, glaring at Hiei.
"Oh, *that* makes sense-"
Vegeta raised his gun, moving it between the seats where he knew the two would see it. "I have a gun," he reminded them, his eyes nearly bugging out when they didn't seem to hear him at all. "I can shoot you-"
"No," Kurama continued, "he chose me because I was alone!"
"No he did not," Hiei spat, "You know-"
"Shut up!" Vegeta screamed, his breath coming in quick gusts. "Jesus fucking Christ!"
Raising his hands, Kurama leaned back in his seat, closer to the window. "Okay, okay."
Catching his breath, Vegeta started to lean back again but flinched when the redhead suddenly peaked around the seat at him. "Uh!"
"But I'm right, aren't I?" Kurama asked, his eyes sparking bright in the dark van, "You would *never* have taken a couple, would you? Would you?!"
Eyes wide, Vegeta shook his head. "All right, no."
With a grateful nod, Kurama relaxed. "Okay, thank you. Thank you."
Shaking his head again, Vegeta sat back in his seat. "Christ..."
"See?" Kurama said, shooting a look at Hiei.
Hiei smirked at his mate's satisfied expression. "Happy now?"
"Yes, I am."
Vegeta's eyes caught on something ahead of them and he blinked suddenly. "Hey-"
"Heh," Hiei raised a hand, waving it at the window. "Less than ten minutes ago, you sat in the car and told me-"
"Hey!" Vegeta cried, his eyes getting bigger. "Stop sign!"
Voice rising, Hiei glared at Kurama, not hearing the thief's cry. "-you wanted to stop arguing over who's right and wrong-"
"Stop sign!" Vegeta yelled.
Glaring at Hiei, Kurama leaned toward him. "That's because you're-"
"Stop sign! Whoa!" The oncoming car missed them by less than a foot and Vegeta's heart nearly leapt out of his mouth.
"Ah!" Kurama cried, his eyes widening as he glanced at the bright headlights that shone into his window when they sped past.
Hiei blinked, realization coming only when the redhead screamed beside him. He could barely make out the cry of the man they'd nearly collided with, and he didn't argue with the dubbing of themselves as 'morons.'
Mouth open, Kurama stared at Hiei. "You ran a stop sign..."
"I did not," Hiei returned calmly, not looking to the side. "There was no stop sign."
Vegeta's temple throbbed and he stared at the two in disbelief.
"Oh, yes there was," Kurama said sharply, "and yes you did!"
Glaring to the side, Hiei snorted. "You didn't even see it."
"He saw it," Kurama cried, pointing at Vegeta. "He said stop sign! *I* heard it very clearly!"
A slow calm crept over Vegeta as he recognized the sense of deja-vu, and he shook his head in misery. "Great," he muttered to himself as the arguing continued in the front seat. "I hijacked my fucking parents."
Snorting softly, Hiei glared at the road. "There was no stop sign..."
"Yes there was!"
* * *
There were officers all over the mansion when Lieutenant Genkai arrived, and she wasn't surprised to be met outside the door. Kuwabara was carrying a plastic bag and she raised an eyebrow when orange-haired officer handed it to her.
"I'm glad you're here," Kuwabara said quickly, his expression wary and a tad green around the edges. "We found this mask and it has a...weird smell..."
Wrinkling her nose as she smelled it, Genkai frowned at the tall man. "Urine."
"Oh," Kurabara sighed, a smile breaking over his face as he glanced back to his tall, brown-haired partner. "Koenma thought it might be semen."
"Koenma needs to talk to a therapist," Genkai said, looking at the embarrassed officer.
"Hey," an black-haired officer called from behind them, "Lieutenant!" Holding his radio mike outside the window of his cruiser, Yamcha pointed at it with a grim face. "It's the county prosecutor," he whispered.
Genkai sighed as she went to answer the call. She had an idea what it would be about. "Lieutenant Genkai here," she announced. Listening for a second or two, she made her report. "The suspect left behind a face mask. There are traces of black hair and a faint odor of aftershave mixed with-" The man interrupted him and her eyes widened. "A video tape? State police! Is that necessary? Well, my men are searching the place now- What?! Excuse me," she growled, her eyes narrowing, "but this is *my* jurisdiction and we are *perfectly* capable of-"
Kuwabara shuffled nervously, his eyes wide as he watched the short woman's body shake in visible fury. It made him even colder, and he'd already been shifting from foot to foot because of the icy temperature.
"Yes!" Genkai spat, "I heard you!" Glaring, she hung the radio phone back in the set inside the window.
"So..." Kuwabara called nervously, his eyes flicking to Koenma when the tall brown-haired man joined him in the driveway. "Can we go home now?"
Nodding, Genkai sighed in disgust. "Get everybody out of there. And leave a couple men for the state police. They have *professionals*..."
* * *
The clock outside the school chimed with the time as footsteps clicked on the smooth linoleum of the hallway. But the sound of the cadets' shoes clicking went unheard inside a dark room where hard metal music was thrumming the walls. Inside, a teenage boy expertly pulled a picture out of the liquid, setting it so it could dry and reveal the scene perfectly. His lips curved as he took in the blossoming image of himself and his superior in a rather creative position. He'd always been a fan of art.
A knocking sounded on Duo's door and the boy wiped his hands quickly, turning off the light before sliding outside into the main part of his bedroom. A long braid of hair waved against his back and he put on his most innocent smile as he crossed the room to the door. "I'm coming," he called cheerfully. His violet eyes sparkled when he saw the dark-haired young man standing in the hall. The emblem of rank glinted off the head cadet's hat and Duo smiled wider.
"Maxwell."
Duo's smile twitched at the edges and he corrected the mistake with teasing firmness. "That's *Max*well, Heero, for the church, not the coffee." Dark blue eyes narrowed for a second and he leaned in the doorway, playing with the edge of his long braid. "Neh, Heero-chan?"
Eyelid twitching as he struggled not to react, Heero barely kept from glaring at that taunting smile. "I'm glad I caught you before you left for the holiday," he said, his voice devoid of any readable emotion. "May I come in?"
Duo's expression turned into one of regret and he sighed, shifting his shoulders against the doorframe. "Oh, no, I'm afraid I'm not in the mood." The young man flinched and he grinned when he saw the head cadet's hands curl into fists.
"I can't very well give it to you in the hallway," Heero said tightly, glaring into bright violet eyes.
"Well, if you can't give me that," Duo drawled, "you can give me something *else* anywhere you want. I just developed some pictures. I might even make a book. Our personal memoirs."
Heero's eyelid twitched again and he couldn't help but sneer. "Demon seed."
Duo's lips turned into a mockingly hurt pout. "Oh, the things you say..." The elite cadet was glancing up and down the hall, and he was almost disappointed to see Heero reach into his coat. Dark eyes glared at him and he smiled as he accepted the envelope, counting the hundreds with accustomed ease. With one last flirting smile, he winked at the young man. "My best to your *girlfriend*, Heero-chan. Merry Christmas."
* * *
Frozen snow crackled under the van's wheels, but they made it to the driveway in relative silence. But Vegeta wasn't expecting too much from them and he got out quickly, waving his gun at Kurama's back. "Move it."
Frowning at Hiei, Kurama hesitated. "Lock the door."
"We're being held at gunpoint," Hiei reminded him, "what's the point?"
Stepping toward them, Vegeta raised the gun higher. "Shut up and move it."
"What, it's not bad enough? You want someone to steal the van, too?" Kurama demanded, glaring at his black-haired mate.
"I said shut up," Vegeta glared, shoving on Kurama's back and nodding to Hiei when the male snorted and walked toward the house. "Christ..." He was tense, and he jumped when a voice spoke up the moment the front door was opened.
"Hey, family, it's me!"
Kurama took off toward a doorway and Vegeta snapped the gun up. "Hey, hey, hey!" The redhead finally stopped and he sighed, spotting a light on the black telephone in the hall.
"You guys don't have to worry about picking me up at the station, I'm getting a ride home from a friend instead. I'll be a little late for dinner, so you guys start without me, 'kay? Just kidding, K'rama. See you later! Bye."
Waving the two males over to the stairs, Vegeta frowned. "Who is that?"
"Duo," Hiei said, his eyes wide. "Our son. We were supposed to..."
"The station," Kurama murmured, his eyes wide as well. He'd completely forgotten about picking up their adopted son.
Taking in the nice surroundings, Vegeta snorted before moving to stand in front of the pair, still pointing the gun. "Look at this. You rich?"
"No!" Kurama said quickly, "Oh, no..."
"Not really," Hiei muttered.
The redhead was shaking his head and Vegeta raised an eyebrow at him. "Antiques like this aren't cheap."
"I run an antique store in town," Hiei said, "all of these are from the store-"
"It's his mother's store," Kurama put in.
Frowning, Hiei turned his head to glare up at Kurama. "So?"
"Well," Kurama said, folding his arms, "you made it sound like it was yours. 'Well, I run it.'
"I did not!" Hiei glared, "I said I *run* it, I didn't say I owned it, I am the manager of-"
"Oh, come on!" Kurama shot back. "Do you think he cares if-"
Eyes widening, Vegeta stalked back to them, raising his voice to be heard over their rising argument. "Hey!"
"-you work for your *mother*?!"
"Hey!" The green-eyed male blinked in surprise and Vegeta found his blood boiling again as he stared at the two of them in frustration. "Let's get one thing straight," he sneered, moving the gun in front of their eyes. "From now on, the only one who yells is me. Why?! Because I have a gun, okay?! People with guns can do whatever they want. Married people *without* guns, for instance you..."
Staring at the irate man, Kurama and Hiei nodded slowly. "Mm."
"Do *not* get to yell!" Vegeta shouted, his eyes flashing when both jumped in surprise. "Do you know *why*? No guns! No guns, no yelling! See?! Simple little equation!" Their eyes were wide now, and Vegeta found himself breathing heavily from the effort not to kill them both. Backing away, he kept the gun on them as he glanced through the doorway into the living room. "Jesus Christ... Who *are* you fucking people...?"
"Kurama and Hiei Maxwell," Kurama said softly, following the man with his eyes. "What's your name?"
Head jerking to the side as he glared at them, Vegeta crossed the room, his fingers clenching around the gun. "None of your fucking business," he growled, "that's my name. Got any rope, Hiei?"
Red eyes narrowing, Hiei folded his arms over his chest. "For what?"
Vegeta flinched, his hand darting down so the muzzle of the gun was pressed against the small male's forehead. "What am I, applying for a job?" Those red eyes only widened a bit and he glared darker.
"No..."
"Then stop asking me fucking questions," Vegeta growled. "Got any *rope*, Hiei?"
"No," Hiei said slowly, his own voice actually lower than the thief's, if only a little. "We don't have any rope."
"Oh," Kurama spoke up, eyes wide, "we have bungee cords." The black-eyed man glanced at him, the gun still pressed to his mate's head and Kurama shrugged. "They might work."
"Where are they?" Vegeta asked, his voice dangerous.
"In the kitchen," Kurama told him quickly, his muscles easing when the black-haired man stepped back.
Waving them forward, Vegeta nodded. "Move."
"I don't *believe* you," Hiei whispered, his voice a soft growl as he glared daggers into Kurama's back.
The table in the dining area was set with dishes and Vegeta frowned at them when he passed through. "Are you expecting company?"
"Yes," Kurama nodded, pushing open the kitchen door, "Hiei's mother and his brother's family."
Blinking, Hiei glanced back. "They should be here by nine."
There was a small manger scene on the desk by the wall, with the figures made out of candy. Since the couple had halted in the doorway, Vegeta snatched up the small pink-wrapped baby and took a bite out of it. He hadn't eaten in quite a while, but he spat out the candy almost as quickly as he'd take it in. Glaring at the nasty taste, and at the news, he put the decapitated candy figure back. "Jesus..."
* * *
TBC
Author's Notes: This fic is based on the movie 'The Ref,' and the dialogue was taken almost verbatim from that movie. I did this for Christmas, and I think it turned out very nicely. I didn't want this cut up, but it was too long to post otherwise.
Category: Anime, Yu Yu Hakusho, Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing, Rurouni Kenshin, possible others, Yaoi, AU-fusion with a movie
Warnings: extremely foul language (done for humor), multiple character bashings (don't take them personally, it's for fun), guaranteed OOC (out of character - again it was done for humor), humor (of course), shonen ai
Pairings: mostly KuramaxHiei, 1x2, and hints of others
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Website/Complete Archive: http://www.geocities.com/arigatomina
The Ref: Anime Style
Act 1
A light frosting of snow covered the ground of the small town, the people traveling the streets with a merry Christmas cheer. And that was to be expected. The children glowed with the expectation always seen on the eve before that happy day, one such group pausing around the manger display. It was done up every year, in the little clearing opposite the semi-famous Maxwell Church, and the children huddled around the small statues of Mary, Joseph, and their loving visitors. Only the empty crib disturbed the scene as the chief of police passed through the flurry of gentle snow. The short pink-haired woman shook her head at the gossiping children, the disapproving parents frowning sadly over the missing baby Jesus. She turned away from them, smiling at the cluster of carolers outside the warmth exuding church, only pausing long enough to compliment Father Maxwell on the children's improvement. A few steps later she waved to two officers. The town was so small the police station rested alongside the church, but that too added to the warmth of the peaceful place. The tall orange-haired young officer tipped his hat at her when she climbed the stairs, his cheerful grin making her snort and shake her head.
Smiling at his partner, the officer passed the church himself, walking down the street to where his squad car was parked, his partner a few steps ahead of him. The owner of the bookstore had already closed shop for the evening, and the orange-haired man glanced up to the office above that gleefully decorated shop. Dim light shown through the dark curtains, the streetlamps beyond illuminating the sign. He shook his head at the thought that someone would be unhappy enough to visit such a place on Christmas eve, then he climbed into his car to begin his final round for the night. Above the street, the lights continued to shine on the sign, 'Dr. Chang, Marriage Counselor' blazing over the pale background in stark black letters.
* * *
"I want you two to try something that should help you both. Each of you will have a turn, but I want you to *take* turns. One speaks, and the other listens." Dark brownish-black eyes crinkled a bit as Wufei struggled to smile at his patients. His face felt stiff already, and he'd only just begun the session. But that was what he'd come to expect from these two. "The good thing about this is that while one of you is speaking, the other isn't." Green eyes met him easily as the red-haired male nodded with a bright smile, and Wufei glanced to the other one. A very unhappy, but somehow bored expression met him and his forced smile widened a fraction. "That way, while one is talking, the other one can hear what the one is saying." Rubbing his temple, he reclined in his chair, letting the smile disappear with relief. "Who wants to go first?"
"I do," Kurama said quickly, leaning forward in his chair. Red hair fell over his shoulders and his eyes bore into the black-haired doctor. "See, I had a dream last week, a really strange one. I was-"
"Not the dream," Hiei muttered, red eyes narrowed to slits. His hands curled around the arms of his chair and he sent a glare to the doctor. "Is it necessary to talk about *dreams*?" The Chinese doctor returned his glare with a pointed look and he snorted softly, leaning back in his chair. His glare shifted to his mate.
"-in this restaurant," Kurama continued, oblivious to the interruption, "a really nice one. And this waiter comes to my table carrying a tray. He sets it down and when he takes off the cover it's a salad, it's Hiei's head on a plate of spinach, with his penis in his ear." The dark-eyed doctor blinked and Kurama nodded quickly. "Yes! I know! And I looked up at the waiter and said, 'This isn't what I ordered,' and he said 'You must try it, it's a delicacy.'" Dr. Chang was staring at him with an odd expression, but the man nodded slowly and Kurama shook his head. "He said, 'Try it, but don't eat the penis, it's only...garnish.'"
The green-eyed male was watching him expectantly and Wufei cleared his face, finger tapping his temple as he looked at Hiei. The slender male was glowering at his mate. "Hiei, what do *you* think about the dream?"
Hiei let out a sharp breath and frowned at Kurama, his left eyebrow twitching. "I think he should stop telling it to our acquaintances when we're eating." His lovely mate frowned back at him and Hiei turned sharp eyes on the doctor. "Dreams shouldn't be shared. Right?"
The red-eyed male growled the question, but Wufei wasn't affected. Shaking his head, he looked between the two of them. "It isn't my place to make judgments," Wufei said, lifting a pen and tapping it against his leg. With a solemn expression, he looked back to Kurama. "I will say that communication is healthy." The redhead nodded with a slow smile but Hiei's growl denied that bit of advice.
"Healthy?!" Biting back his growl, Hiei stewed for a second before glaring at Kurama again. "Him telling people that he dreams about me being castrated and served as dinner is *healthy*?"
Wufei's lips twitched, but he held tight to his calm expression. "Tell me, are there any sexual problems in the marriage?"
Kurama stiffened a bit when Hiei slowly turned to stare at him, the silent warning to shut up read easily. Frowning back at the irate male, he lifted his chin and glanced to Dr. Chang. The Chinese man raised an eyebrow at him and Kurama licked his lips. "To tell the truth, we haven't been intimate in...quite a while." The man nodded slowly and Kurama leaned forward in his chair. "And before that it really wasn't...what's the word I'm looking for...?" Hiei's glare burned into his neck and Kurama glancing over the ceiling before his eyes lit up. "Noteworthy."
Lips rising into a slight sneer, Hiei watched as the doctor wrote a note in his book. He knew very well that Kurama wasn't finished, and he tensed in his chair even more, red eyes glued to the babbling male's confiding expression.
"On our last anniversary," Kurama continued, his tone one of long suffering but sad acceptance, "he kept complaining the entire time and I saw no reason to draw it out. The whole thing was over in about the time it takes to make a cup of cappuccino. It's no wonder I had an affair."
A bolt ran through his back and Hiei dug his fingers into the chair to keep himself from leaping out of it, his incredulous expression glued on Kurama's calm face. "How could you tell him all of that so casually," he inquired, his voice cold, "as if you were requesting a cup of tea?"
"Actually," Kurama blinked, clearing his throat and looking at Dr. Chang. "Could I have a cup of tea? I'm a little parched."
"Why don't you have oral sex, too!" Hiei spat, jerking in his chair. "I'll go wait in the car!"
"No!" Frowning at his lover's insult, Kurama twisted to look at him. His glare met the back of Hiei's head and he stared at the male's white scarf for a second. A sharp 'ping' made him jump and he blinked in surprise at Dr. Chang's frown.
Wufei moved his hand away from the bell, frowning at the two of them. His hand rose, and he pointed the pen at the angry black-haired male. "Hiei, how do you feel about Kurama's affair?" Red eyes flicked open, but a quick voice spoke first and Wufei bit back a groan as Kurama answered.
"He wants me to wear a scarlet 'A' on my chest and hide in the basement," Kurama frowned, glaring when Hiei gave a sharp nod.
"What's unreasonable about that," Hiei murmured, red eyes snapping to the side to pin his upset mate.
Leaning forward, Kurama raised his hands to the doctor. "Everything's so simple to him," he cried, green eyes glittering in a plea for understanding. "He just doesn't see where he's responsible."
Hiei flinched, his mouth opening in disbelief.
"It just didn't *mean* anything," Kurama said, his voice rising a bit before he gained control of it. "It shouldn't even *count* as an affair." His hands fell in his lap and he let out an exasperated sigh.
Staring at Kurama, Hiei's expression blanked suddenly. There was a glint in his eyes when he turned to pin the young doctor with an intense stare, his brows lowering. "I think we need a ruling on this."
* * *
The last flakes of gentle snow fell to a bright driveway in front of a large white mansion. Tendrils of smoke curved around a dark bush, emitted from the cigarette burning inside a cracked window. The little gray car was silent, but the small man inside puffed away anxiously on his cigarette, one hand rubbing his bald head as he stared at the windshield. The keys were in the engine, more than ready for a quick start and speedy getaway. Inside the mansion, the basement was alive with motion. A dark figure knelt in the shadows of a finely decorated den, the small hand-held computer flashing green over his dark eyes.
His tall, jaggedly spiky hair cast odd shapes beyond the screen, but his eyes were focused on the numbers. The access code was the last one written, and he smirked with satisfaction. Putting aside the small computer, he entered the code into the safe, his evil smirk widening. It was so easy. The latch gave with the lightest of pulls and he leaned forward eagerly, his eyes glinting from the cotton facemask he wore. A flick of his fingers turned on the light attached to his forehead and he leaned closer to the safe. The sound of a cat's cry made him tense, and he was hit with a spray of dampness that caught him completely off guard.
For a moment Vegeta blinked in disbelief, then he tore the mask off, staring up at the small sprayer that had soaked him in strong scented liquid. His nose wrinkled and he wiped his mouth furiously. "Cat piss!" The safe was forgotten as he gagged, wiping his mouth on the inside of his sleeve.
* * *
They were much calmer now, after he'd forced them to sit in silence for twelve minutes, and Wufei finally sighed. "Hiei, are you still upset about the affair?"
With a sigh of his own, Hiei folded his arms over his chest. The doctor was waiting and he rolled his eyes. "I don't care anymore. I just don't want to talk about it."
Wufei tilted his head, frowning a bit before blinking at the calm male. He really did sound much better. "So what do you want from the union now?"
"I want to stop *talking* about it," Hiei said, his voice holding a low warning tone. "I don't want anything. I am content."
"Liar!" Turning, to stare at his mate, Kurama's eyes widened. "You're such a liar! You're so unhappy you can hardly *breathe*, and *I* feel that. And *I'm* miserable! How can we both be in the marriage and I'm miserable and you're content?!"
Hiei's lips twitched, but he kept his expression sober as he met Kurama's hurt gaze. "Luck?"
Wufei could tell by the way Kurama's mouth snapped open that a bicker was about to begin and he intervened. "Kurama, what do you want from the marriage?"
"Oh," Hiei murmured, his eyes glinting, "this should be good."
Kurama flinched. "And what does that mean?!"
Turning to stare at the redhead, Hiei leaned on the arm of his chair, eyes dark. "That you don't know *what* you want," he explained scathingly, "and you blame everyone else for it." The doctor leaned forward and Hiei turned to include him. "He's impossible to satisfy. He lives in his own fantasies. Do you want to know about Kurama's miserable life?" His teeth gnashed and Hiei focused entirely on Dr. Chang's startled expression. "He lives in a wonderful house-"
"Which his foster mother owns," Kurama muttered.
Hiei continued, "I have a good job-"
"Which his mother owns!" Kurama cried. The doctor opened his mouth looking between him and Hiei, and Kurama leaned on the edge of his seat. "We're in servitude to that woman for a loan she's charging us eighteen percent on!"
Hiei frowned, glaring to the side. "We took out a loan," he said sharply, "we have to pay it back."
"No," Kurama cried, returning the glare, "*you* took out a loan! It was your decision, not mine! You took out a loan from psycho-mom!"
"He blames my mother for everything that's gone wrong in *his* life," Hiei growled, looking at the doctor. "In the meantime he never finishes anything he starts. Interior decorating courses, Scandinavian *cooking* courses, home and *garden* courses, existential philosophy courses-"
"At least *I'm* not afraid to go *after* my dreams!" Kurama cried.
"To be what?" Hiei countered, "Somebody who examines Lott fish to prove the nothingness of being? It's no wonder our son's so confused."
"Oh! See?! He blames me for Duo! Is that right?!"
Wufei flinched away from Kurama's demanding expression, his hands flying in front of him as he shook his head. "I'm not here to judge or take sides!"
"Then what the hell good *are* you?!" Kurama growled. He turned to glare at Hiei, his eyes flashing between anger and hurt. "You're the one who suffocated him with limitations! Our son is a very sensitive and creative boy-"
"Juvenal delinquent!" Hiei spat.
"Boy!" Kurama continued, his voice rising, "He has the kind of imagination-"
"That the mafia gives scholarships for," Hiei growled. Turning, he caught Wufei's eye. "In the ninth grade we told him he could get a job. You know what he did?!" The doctor's hand rose to rub his temples, hiding his eyes, but Hiei continued unchecked. "He started an *escort* service for the football team, and he gave out my *mother's* phone number!"
With an evil grin, Kurama laughed. "And I *still* say that getting laid by an eighteen-year-old line-backer is *just* what she needs!"
Wufei's head was throbbing and he lunged forward, his palm slamming against the bell. "Please! Let's lower our voices!"
Kurama and Hiei both snapped around, their glares identical. "Fuck you!"
* * *
The lovely diamonds glittered the brightest among the jewels, and Vegeta handled them with the delicacy their worth demanded as he emptied the velvet-lined cases into his pack. The flashlight in his mouth focused on each one and it illuminated the vault as he reached the last case. It was a small ring box, and he took the light in his hand to focus it on the stone revealed. That diamond was so large he just knew it had to be worth as much as all the other jewels combined and his lips curved in a dark smile. "Heh."
Reaching in, Vegeta's thin latex gloves rubbed cool metal as he grasped the small box. But when he pulled there was a surprising resistance, the box only coming forward an inch or two at most. The hairs on the back of his neck would have raised if his hair didn't already defy gravity, and he froze as a dull clicking sounded in the walls. His eyes turned upward and he clenched his teeth when the light showed a small red circle set into the ceiling. The metal around it was spinning with an ominous sound. With an irritated hiss, he grabbed the red piece and jerked on it, meaning to tear it from the wall.
Outside, lights snapped on around the mansion, an alarm sounding in the quiet night with a piercing cry of 'burglary' that echoed in the basement. Vegeta growled, but his furious cry was cut off when the ground suddenly disappeared beneath him and he fell, sliding down a metal shoot and landing hard on his back somewhere below. His gun spiraled across a dusty floor and unknown to him, since he was momentarily stunned by his landing on a stack of plywood, the weapon came to rest at the feet of an attentive watchdog.
Inside the small gray car, the getaway man's eyes widened as the alarm continued. The sirens made him shake for a second, then Krillin let out a cry and fumbled for the keys. "Vegeta! Oh, where *is* he?!" Throwing his cigarette out the window, he shook in the driver's seat, not sure what to do.
In the well-lit subbasement, Vegeta's eyes opened dazedly to a low, worrisome sound. Pushing achingly to a sitting position, he turned to stare at the source of that growl. Dark eyes flashed at him along with sharp white teeth and he rose quickly, grabbing a thick stick on the pile near him. He lifted it as if he were about to bat a homerun, but paused. The dog remained sitting a few feet from him, growling and barking with a hungry note that made him both uneasy, and angry. His lips curved into a dark smirk, and he grabbed the pool ball lying where he'd found the stick. Lifting it, he turned the smirk on the dog. "Want to play ball," he said softly, his low voice carrying a hint of the mirth he felt at the thought of braining the stupid mutt.
Vegeta's arm arched back and he flung the ball straight at the black dog's head. Then his eyes snapped wide when the ball was caught between wide jaws and promptly chewed to tiny splinters. He was frozen again, but he forced himself out of it, glaring into the pack attached to his waist. Pulling the cheapest necklace he could find, he held it up in front of those still hungry eyes. "How about this?" he asked, his voice not quite so merry now. The dog followed the movement as he wagged the bright piece, and he tossed it to the side.
The dog was as stupid as he'd hoped, and Vegeta darted across the room, pausing only to snatch up his gun as he made for the window he'd spotted. He was just climbing out when hot pain made his face twist. "Ah!"
Red and blue glowed over the snow as police cars rushed toward the mansion, and they passed right by the dark spot at the edge of the lawn. The ground there was clear of snow, but the officers were in too much of a hurry to notice the pile of cigarette butts lying on the damp drive, the single smoldering butt giving out a rise of dying smoke.
* * *
The little store was decorated nicely for the holiday, with multicolored strings hung along the edge of the roof. The tiny parking area was empty when Hiei drove into it, and he stopped the van, not bothering to turn off the engine. Beside him, Kurama frowned for a second before turning to look at him. "You can divorce me," Kurama offered, his voice almost pleading, "I mean, I don't care about alimony or anything. You can say that...that I was unfaithful."
Hiei blinked, turning a droll stare on his eager mate. "You *were* unfaithful," he reminded him.
Kurama frowned, nodding slowly. "That's why I said you could say it," he said, not quite understanding Hiei's expression.
"But you said it as if it weren't true," Hiei explained patiently, "as if I could just say it to get a divorce. Except it *is* true, and we're *not* getting a divorce." Bright green eyes blinked at him and he relaxed in his seat, flicking on the radio.
With a quick glance out the window, Kurama turned back to Hiei. "Aren't you coming in with me?" he asked in surprise.
"No," Hiei said, his eyes darting to the side. "I want to hear the news. There *is* a world beyond our problems, Kurama."
"Ugh!" Rolling his eyes, Kurama shoved the door open and got out, pausing in the snow. "You know, Hiei, just because you've made your little *decree* about this divorce doesn't mean I'm giving up on it." The black-haired male smirked suddenly and Kurama frowned, wariness making him tense.
"The day you see anything through to the end," Hiei drawled, "is the day I'll stick my own dick in my ear." The tall redhead blinked before glaring and he turned back to stare at the radio as the door was slammed shut. Frowning as he was alone, Hiei didn't notice the dark figure that trudged past his van and up the wooden steps to the store. He was far too deep in thoughts about his infuriating but addictive mate to worry about some stranger.
Kurama had a splitting headache that he blamed entirely on his stubborn husband, and he could barely keep his mind on the things he needed to buy. Suddenly, it didn't seem to matter whether they had enough paper towels at the house for the family members coming to dinner. He didn't care any more. He reminded himself of that as he unerringly grabbed a roll anyway, and he didn't notice the black-haired man watching him. It wasn't until something hard shoved against his back that he froze, and he nearly shivered at the tight grip on his shoulder. A low voice whispered almost directly in his ear and Kurama's eyes widened in shock.
"Don't talk, don't move," Vegeta warned, black eyes darting around the store. The clerk was busy arguing with someone and he shoved the gun harder against the slender redhead. "There's a gun at your back." A slight jerk passed through the male and Vegeta prodded him forward, past the dropped items and toward the door.
Hiei frowned when Kurama practically jumped into the van, the male's heavy breaths catching his attention first. Then the back door was opened and a black-haired man climbed into the back seat. "What's going on?" he growled at Kurama, eyes flashing dangerously. "Who's he?"
Teeth gnashing, Kurama glared at the oblivious male. "He's a world beyond our problems which is now our problem," he growled, throwing Hiei's words back in his face. The red-eyed male frowned but froze when a gun was suddenly lifted over the edge of the seat and shown to him.
"Shut up," Vegeta warned.
"Kurama," Hiei said without thinking, "are you all right?" The gun pressed his cheek and his eyes snapped to the side as he froze, looking at the dark barrel.
Leaning close to the male's seat, Vegeta glared at him. "Drive."
* * *
The police station sported more lights than any other building in the peaceful town, sparkling decorations outlining each window and curled around the bare branches of the trees and bushes in the small lawn outside. Inside the chief's office, voices were recriminating the leader.
"How could this happen in Paradise? Why weren't there more police patrolling the streets?" Holding a newspaper in front of the small woman's desk, the tall, black-haired man frowned. "This man has been terrorizing the entire county."
"Look," the lieutenant sighed, her lips curving into a partially patient, partially mocking smile. "I'd put more men on the street," Genkai said, "but they aren't qualified for this sort of thing." The only woman in the group of three outraged adults frowned at her, raising an eyebrow, and Genkai titled her head, waiting.
"And why not?" Chi-chi demanded. "They *are* police, aren't they?"
Smiling, Genkai shook her head. "They have no experience. Nothing every happens in this town." The woman and two men frowned at her, but she paid them little mind, hopping out of her chair and moving to the small coffee pot near her desk. "The only time we get a call from you *people* is when some kid is playing a practical joke, or your gay dogs start humping each other without permission." The black-haired woman's face turned bright red and Genkai hid her smirk. It was so easy to embarrass the uppity fools. "Any time there's real trouble you people call your judge friends, your attorney general friends, your district attorney friends..." Returning to her seat, she leaned over the paperwork she'd been working on, not looking up at the three outraged people. "Well, why don't you call them now and get the hell out of my office."
"Now," Karasu warned, running a hand through his long hair, "it doesn't necessarily have to *be* your office, Lieutenant Genkai. I'm calling an emergency meeting of the old Paradise emergency community committee." The man and woman to either side of him nodded sharply and he lifted his chin when the pink-haired lieutenant glanced up at him with a bored expression. "And I'll be suggesting at that meeting that our volunteers patrol our streets to protect our homes. And if you would like, Lieutenant Genkai, I'll even speak to the mayor, who happens to be an old friend of mine, about finding you a replacement, since you don't like it here in Paradise. And maybe I'll just tell him that...uh...you've hit into a water hazard and you're in way over your head!"
The man stared at her in pompous authority and Genkai let a second pass so he could enjoy it. Then her eyes hardened. "Get out."
* * *
"Authorities have speculated that the thief may still be in the immediate area..."
"Shit." Vegeta ground his teeth as he listened to the radio, glaring at the darkness as the van traveled along. Hearing that roadblocks were to be set up by the state police, he cursed again, waving a hand over the front seat. "Turn it off!" He didn't know what to do, and he rubbed his head, frowning as he tried to think of something. He hadn't planned on anything like this. "Damnit. Shit."
The muttering curses continued for a few minutes before Kurama couldn't keep silent any longer and he frowned a bit, glancing back at the furious and antsy criminal. "I can't believe they'd go to all that trouble for a thief. I mean, it's not like you killed anyone."
Snorting softly, Vegeta nodded at the redhead. "I know. Silly, isn't it." Green eyes met him far too easily and Vegeta's eyes narrowed a bit. "But it's still early, right?"
"What's that smell?" Hiei frowned, glancing back as he drove.
Vegeta's back straightened and he glared furiously. "Shut up!" The driver turned back to the road and he growled, shaking his head. "Take me to your house."
Hiei's eyes widened for a second before narrowing again. "Now listen, we'll take you wherever you want and drop you off, and we won't tell anyone. Believe me, we're no heroes for the common good-"
"I can vouch for that," Kurama piped in helpfully, "Hiei's no hero-"
"Enough, okay?!" Glaring from Kurama to Hiei, Vegeta growled at the both of them before settling on the driver. "I said take me to your fucking house! I have to think..." he muttered, falling back into the seat. "Fuck..."
Kurama sat for a few seconds in tense silence before he heard a tiny 'hn' and noticed that Hiei was wearing an odd little smile, not a happy one at all. Turning his head, he kept his voice to a soft whisper. "What?" His mate shook his head, not glancing at him, but that smile remained. "What?"
"Nothing," Hiei whispered back, still not looking away from the road.
"No," Kurama whispered back, frowning, "what was that laugh for?"
"Oh, like you don't know," Hiei said, his lips pulling a bit more into a disgusted smirk.
"No, I don't!" Kurama glared, having trouble keeping his voice down.
"Oh, sure, right. 'Hiei's no hero, I can vouch for that.' Thanks a lot!" Hiei growled, his voice rising sharply.
"Oh, please," Kurama cried, rolling his eyes. "I was just trying to-"
"Go to hell," Hiei snapped.
Vegeta's eyes were wide as he leaned forward to look between the two males, and his voice was a soft warning. "Shut *up*..." They obeyed for two seconds before the redhead's tight whisper made his mouth fall open.
"This never would have happened if you'd come into the store with me," Kurama accused, glaring at Hiei.
"Oh, *that* makes sense-"
Vegeta raised his gun, moving it between the seats where he knew the two would see it. "I have a gun," he reminded them, his eyes nearly bugging out when they didn't seem to hear him at all. "I can shoot you-"
"No," Kurama continued, "he chose me because I was alone!"
"No he did not," Hiei spat, "You know-"
"Shut up!" Vegeta screamed, his breath coming in quick gusts. "Jesus fucking Christ!"
Raising his hands, Kurama leaned back in his seat, closer to the window. "Okay, okay."
Catching his breath, Vegeta started to lean back again but flinched when the redhead suddenly peaked around the seat at him. "Uh!"
"But I'm right, aren't I?" Kurama asked, his eyes sparking bright in the dark van, "You would *never* have taken a couple, would you? Would you?!"
Eyes wide, Vegeta shook his head. "All right, no."
With a grateful nod, Kurama relaxed. "Okay, thank you. Thank you."
Shaking his head again, Vegeta sat back in his seat. "Christ..."
"See?" Kurama said, shooting a look at Hiei.
Hiei smirked at his mate's satisfied expression. "Happy now?"
"Yes, I am."
Vegeta's eyes caught on something ahead of them and he blinked suddenly. "Hey-"
"Heh," Hiei raised a hand, waving it at the window. "Less than ten minutes ago, you sat in the car and told me-"
"Hey!" Vegeta cried, his eyes getting bigger. "Stop sign!"
Voice rising, Hiei glared at Kurama, not hearing the thief's cry. "-you wanted to stop arguing over who's right and wrong-"
"Stop sign!" Vegeta yelled.
Glaring at Hiei, Kurama leaned toward him. "That's because you're-"
"Stop sign! Whoa!" The oncoming car missed them by less than a foot and Vegeta's heart nearly leapt out of his mouth.
"Ah!" Kurama cried, his eyes widening as he glanced at the bright headlights that shone into his window when they sped past.
Hiei blinked, realization coming only when the redhead screamed beside him. He could barely make out the cry of the man they'd nearly collided with, and he didn't argue with the dubbing of themselves as 'morons.'
Mouth open, Kurama stared at Hiei. "You ran a stop sign..."
"I did not," Hiei returned calmly, not looking to the side. "There was no stop sign."
Vegeta's temple throbbed and he stared at the two in disbelief.
"Oh, yes there was," Kurama said sharply, "and yes you did!"
Glaring to the side, Hiei snorted. "You didn't even see it."
"He saw it," Kurama cried, pointing at Vegeta. "He said stop sign! *I* heard it very clearly!"
A slow calm crept over Vegeta as he recognized the sense of deja-vu, and he shook his head in misery. "Great," he muttered to himself as the arguing continued in the front seat. "I hijacked my fucking parents."
Snorting softly, Hiei glared at the road. "There was no stop sign..."
"Yes there was!"
* * *
There were officers all over the mansion when Lieutenant Genkai arrived, and she wasn't surprised to be met outside the door. Kuwabara was carrying a plastic bag and she raised an eyebrow when orange-haired officer handed it to her.
"I'm glad you're here," Kuwabara said quickly, his expression wary and a tad green around the edges. "We found this mask and it has a...weird smell..."
Wrinkling her nose as she smelled it, Genkai frowned at the tall man. "Urine."
"Oh," Kurabara sighed, a smile breaking over his face as he glanced back to his tall, brown-haired partner. "Koenma thought it might be semen."
"Koenma needs to talk to a therapist," Genkai said, looking at the embarrassed officer.
"Hey," an black-haired officer called from behind them, "Lieutenant!" Holding his radio mike outside the window of his cruiser, Yamcha pointed at it with a grim face. "It's the county prosecutor," he whispered.
Genkai sighed as she went to answer the call. She had an idea what it would be about. "Lieutenant Genkai here," she announced. Listening for a second or two, she made her report. "The suspect left behind a face mask. There are traces of black hair and a faint odor of aftershave mixed with-" The man interrupted him and her eyes widened. "A video tape? State police! Is that necessary? Well, my men are searching the place now- What?! Excuse me," she growled, her eyes narrowing, "but this is *my* jurisdiction and we are *perfectly* capable of-"
Kuwabara shuffled nervously, his eyes wide as he watched the short woman's body shake in visible fury. It made him even colder, and he'd already been shifting from foot to foot because of the icy temperature.
"Yes!" Genkai spat, "I heard you!" Glaring, she hung the radio phone back in the set inside the window.
"So..." Kuwabara called nervously, his eyes flicking to Koenma when the tall brown-haired man joined him in the driveway. "Can we go home now?"
Nodding, Genkai sighed in disgust. "Get everybody out of there. And leave a couple men for the state police. They have *professionals*..."
* * *
The clock outside the school chimed with the time as footsteps clicked on the smooth linoleum of the hallway. But the sound of the cadets' shoes clicking went unheard inside a dark room where hard metal music was thrumming the walls. Inside, a teenage boy expertly pulled a picture out of the liquid, setting it so it could dry and reveal the scene perfectly. His lips curved as he took in the blossoming image of himself and his superior in a rather creative position. He'd always been a fan of art.
A knocking sounded on Duo's door and the boy wiped his hands quickly, turning off the light before sliding outside into the main part of his bedroom. A long braid of hair waved against his back and he put on his most innocent smile as he crossed the room to the door. "I'm coming," he called cheerfully. His violet eyes sparkled when he saw the dark-haired young man standing in the hall. The emblem of rank glinted off the head cadet's hat and Duo smiled wider.
"Maxwell."
Duo's smile twitched at the edges and he corrected the mistake with teasing firmness. "That's *Max*well, Heero, for the church, not the coffee." Dark blue eyes narrowed for a second and he leaned in the doorway, playing with the edge of his long braid. "Neh, Heero-chan?"
Eyelid twitching as he struggled not to react, Heero barely kept from glaring at that taunting smile. "I'm glad I caught you before you left for the holiday," he said, his voice devoid of any readable emotion. "May I come in?"
Duo's expression turned into one of regret and he sighed, shifting his shoulders against the doorframe. "Oh, no, I'm afraid I'm not in the mood." The young man flinched and he grinned when he saw the head cadet's hands curl into fists.
"I can't very well give it to you in the hallway," Heero said tightly, glaring into bright violet eyes.
"Well, if you can't give me that," Duo drawled, "you can give me something *else* anywhere you want. I just developed some pictures. I might even make a book. Our personal memoirs."
Heero's eyelid twitched again and he couldn't help but sneer. "Demon seed."
Duo's lips turned into a mockingly hurt pout. "Oh, the things you say..." The elite cadet was glancing up and down the hall, and he was almost disappointed to see Heero reach into his coat. Dark eyes glared at him and he smiled as he accepted the envelope, counting the hundreds with accustomed ease. With one last flirting smile, he winked at the young man. "My best to your *girlfriend*, Heero-chan. Merry Christmas."
* * *
Frozen snow crackled under the van's wheels, but they made it to the driveway in relative silence. But Vegeta wasn't expecting too much from them and he got out quickly, waving his gun at Kurama's back. "Move it."
Frowning at Hiei, Kurama hesitated. "Lock the door."
"We're being held at gunpoint," Hiei reminded him, "what's the point?"
Stepping toward them, Vegeta raised the gun higher. "Shut up and move it."
"What, it's not bad enough? You want someone to steal the van, too?" Kurama demanded, glaring at his black-haired mate.
"I said shut up," Vegeta glared, shoving on Kurama's back and nodding to Hiei when the male snorted and walked toward the house. "Christ..." He was tense, and he jumped when a voice spoke up the moment the front door was opened.
"Hey, family, it's me!"
Kurama took off toward a doorway and Vegeta snapped the gun up. "Hey, hey, hey!" The redhead finally stopped and he sighed, spotting a light on the black telephone in the hall.
"You guys don't have to worry about picking me up at the station, I'm getting a ride home from a friend instead. I'll be a little late for dinner, so you guys start without me, 'kay? Just kidding, K'rama. See you later! Bye."
Waving the two males over to the stairs, Vegeta frowned. "Who is that?"
"Duo," Hiei said, his eyes wide. "Our son. We were supposed to..."
"The station," Kurama murmured, his eyes wide as well. He'd completely forgotten about picking up their adopted son.
Taking in the nice surroundings, Vegeta snorted before moving to stand in front of the pair, still pointing the gun. "Look at this. You rich?"
"No!" Kurama said quickly, "Oh, no..."
"Not really," Hiei muttered.
The redhead was shaking his head and Vegeta raised an eyebrow at him. "Antiques like this aren't cheap."
"I run an antique store in town," Hiei said, "all of these are from the store-"
"It's his mother's store," Kurama put in.
Frowning, Hiei turned his head to glare up at Kurama. "So?"
"Well," Kurama said, folding his arms, "you made it sound like it was yours. 'Well, I run it.'
"I did not!" Hiei glared, "I said I *run* it, I didn't say I owned it, I am the manager of-"
"Oh, come on!" Kurama shot back. "Do you think he cares if-"
Eyes widening, Vegeta stalked back to them, raising his voice to be heard over their rising argument. "Hey!"
"-you work for your *mother*?!"
"Hey!" The green-eyed male blinked in surprise and Vegeta found his blood boiling again as he stared at the two of them in frustration. "Let's get one thing straight," he sneered, moving the gun in front of their eyes. "From now on, the only one who yells is me. Why?! Because I have a gun, okay?! People with guns can do whatever they want. Married people *without* guns, for instance you..."
Staring at the irate man, Kurama and Hiei nodded slowly. "Mm."
"Do *not* get to yell!" Vegeta shouted, his eyes flashing when both jumped in surprise. "Do you know *why*? No guns! No guns, no yelling! See?! Simple little equation!" Their eyes were wide now, and Vegeta found himself breathing heavily from the effort not to kill them both. Backing away, he kept the gun on them as he glanced through the doorway into the living room. "Jesus Christ... Who *are* you fucking people...?"
"Kurama and Hiei Maxwell," Kurama said softly, following the man with his eyes. "What's your name?"
Head jerking to the side as he glared at them, Vegeta crossed the room, his fingers clenching around the gun. "None of your fucking business," he growled, "that's my name. Got any rope, Hiei?"
Red eyes narrowing, Hiei folded his arms over his chest. "For what?"
Vegeta flinched, his hand darting down so the muzzle of the gun was pressed against the small male's forehead. "What am I, applying for a job?" Those red eyes only widened a bit and he glared darker.
"No..."
"Then stop asking me fucking questions," Vegeta growled. "Got any *rope*, Hiei?"
"No," Hiei said slowly, his own voice actually lower than the thief's, if only a little. "We don't have any rope."
"Oh," Kurama spoke up, eyes wide, "we have bungee cords." The black-eyed man glanced at him, the gun still pressed to his mate's head and Kurama shrugged. "They might work."
"Where are they?" Vegeta asked, his voice dangerous.
"In the kitchen," Kurama told him quickly, his muscles easing when the black-haired man stepped back.
Waving them forward, Vegeta nodded. "Move."
"I don't *believe* you," Hiei whispered, his voice a soft growl as he glared daggers into Kurama's back.
The table in the dining area was set with dishes and Vegeta frowned at them when he passed through. "Are you expecting company?"
"Yes," Kurama nodded, pushing open the kitchen door, "Hiei's mother and his brother's family."
Blinking, Hiei glanced back. "They should be here by nine."
There was a small manger scene on the desk by the wall, with the figures made out of candy. Since the couple had halted in the doorway, Vegeta snatched up the small pink-wrapped baby and took a bite out of it. He hadn't eaten in quite a while, but he spat out the candy almost as quickly as he'd take it in. Glaring at the nasty taste, and at the news, he put the decapitated candy figure back. "Jesus..."
* * *
TBC