Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ The Ref: Anime Style ❯ Act 2 ( Chapter 2 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Arigatomina 
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 12.19.2002 | Pages: 7 | Words: 6.3K | Visits: 308 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 12.19.2002 | Pages: 7 | Words: 6.3K | Visits: 308 | Status: Completed
This is a Christmas humor-fic.
Author's Notes: This fic is based on the movie 'The Ref,' and the dialogue was taken almost verbatim from that movie. I did this for Christmas, and I think it turned out very nicely. I didn't want this cut up, but it was too long to post otherwise.
Category: Anime, Yu Yu Hakusho, Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing, Rurouni Kenshin, possible others, Yaoi, AU-fusion with a movie
Warnings: extremely foul language (done for humor), multiple character bashings (don't take them personally, it's for fun), guaranteed OOC (out of character - again it was done for humor), humor (of course), shonen ai
Pairings: mostly KuramaxHiei, 1x2, and hints of others
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Website/Complete Archive: http://www.geocities.com/arigatomina
The Ref: Anime Style
Act 2
Food dotted the plates on the round table, but the clear white dishes shone empty for the most part. The kids were eating quicker than the adults, and the onion rings were the first to go. Reaching across the table to sprinkle salt on her mess of rings, Botan smiled at her brother. "Pass the ketchup."
"Pass the ketchup, *please*," Keiko admonished, frowning at the blue-haired girl in disapproval.
Sighing, Botan shifted in her chair, her eyes moving to her mother, who was sitting next to her. "I'm not hungry now. I *thought* we were eating at Uncle Hiei's."
Keiko rolled her eyes, glancing at her husband for a second before piling more French fries onto her plate. "God knows what disaster Kurama is making. This may be our last chance for decent food."
"He does it to irritate me," Mukuro spoke up, frowning at the food on the table. "I'm the one he's after."
Botan picked at her food for a second before turning pleading eyes on her brown-haired mother. "But I'm not *hungry* now-"
"Eat!" Keiko snapped, her eyes flashing, "Don't annoy me, it's *Christmas*."
Yusuke's adopted mother was looking at his wife and he shifted uncomfortably, a tentative smile directed to Keiko. "I'm sure he's going to a lot of trouble-"
"Yusuke," Keiko said sharply, "the last time you ate his cooking you had diarrhea for a week."
Bright brown eyes snapped to the blushing young man and Yahiko stared in surprise. "You had diarrhea for a week, dad?"
People turned to stare at them and Keiko batted the back of the dark-haired boy's head. "That's *not* appropriate conversation for the table," she admonished. "Eat!"
Glancing at her brother in commiseration, Botan sighed. "If we hate Uncle Kurama's cooking so much, why do we go there every year for Christmas?"
"Because," Mukuro said, lifting her chin as she stared upward, the cloth over her face shielding her right eye, "my poor Hiei needs his family." Her eye sparked as she looked around the table. "Otherwise he'd be all alone with that adulterer. And his delinquent son."
Yahiko looked up with a smirk. "I hope they get into a fight like they always do," he said, "their fights are bitchin'."
"Shut up!" Keiko snapped, whacking a hand over the boy's head. "Don't make me nuts today!" she yelled, "it's Christmas!"
Yusuke glanced around the table for a minute, his lips twitching in a wary smile. "Merry Christmas..."
* * *
The bungee cords had worked rather well, both in binding the two hostages, and in making them aware enough of their helplessness to shut them up. Wiping off his face and hands with a towel, Vegeta stood across the kitchen counter from the two. "Well," he said as he put the towel down. "Where's the worst dive bar around here?"
"The Mackerel," Kurama said.
"The Eighteenth Hole," Hiei said at the same moment. Turning, they stared at each other for a brief second. "How would *you* know?" Hiei asked, his eyes narrowing as he frowned at Kurama.
Shrugging, the redhead looked away. "I passed by once on the access road."
"Oh," Hiei muttered sarcastically, "you passed by once on the access road... Did you ever pass by the Seventeenth hole? It's like a urinal with windows."
"Well," Kurama said, frowning, "I don't want to argue about it-"
"And the Mackerel wouldn't *be* a dive bar," Hiei added, "because they can't have entertainment."
After flipping through the phone book, Vegeta dialed the first of the two numbers. A woman answered from the 'Mackerel Lounge,' and he frowned at the phone. "Hi. I'm looking for a friend of mine-"
"I'm saying it couldn't be the worst dive bar in town," Hiei growled, straining against the cords binding him to his chair.
"Oh," Kurama cried, tossing his head, "it couldn't *be* the-"
Glaring at the noise, Vegeta crossed the kitchen. "Hold on a second," he told the woman on the phone as he reached into the sink. The bickering rose and he grabbed the adjustable sprayer, hitting the two males in the face with a sudden stream of cold water. The noise was cut off immediately as they ducked their heads in identical expressions of shock and discomfort. After a second of silence, Vegeta waited to see if they'd say more before dropping the sprayer. "Thanks," he said into the phone. "I'm looking for a friend of mine. He's a short, drunken, bald loser."
"You just described everybody in the place," Megumi laughed, glancing around the dim lit bar as she brushed a hand through her long black hair and smiled against the phone.
"Right," Vegeta snorted. "Well, see if there's someone named Krillin there."
A bald head snapped up at a table in the corner of the bar, but Krillin kept quiet when the bartender called out his name. His hand shook over the ashtray and he ducked his head again, telling himself it was a coincidence. He was sure there were lots of people out there with the same name as him.
"I don't think he's here, pal," Megumi said.
Vegeta bared his teeth, not quite grinning in anger. "See if there's a waste of fucking life named Krillin there, try that one."
Grinning, the bartender held a hand over the phone. "Is there a waste of fucking life named Krillin here?"
Wide eyes snapped up and Krillin smiled in relief, waving a hand at the woman. "Uh-" The bartender smirked and handed him the phone. Krillin's hand wobbled a bit, but he was still smiling when he put the phone against his ear. "Hello?"
Vegeta smiled a tight dangerous smile as he paced about the kitchen. "Krillin. How are you?"
"Fine," Krillin smiled, wobbling in his chair. "How are you?"
"Oh," Vegeta said softly, "I'm fabulous, fabulous. Of course, I'm a little tired from running ten *fucking* miles because there was no *fucking* car waiting for me!" Nearly crushing the phone, Vegeta slammed it into the counter hard enough to crack the plastic, not once, but three times in rapid succession.
Kurama and Hiei both blinked.
"What did I tell you if something went wrong, Krillin?" Vegeta continued into the cracked mouthpiece. "I told you to act like a drunk, vagrant imbecile. Is that too much of a *fucking* stretch?!"
Krillin's arm trembled and he sniffled, awash with guilt. "I got nervous," he said softly, "the cops were all over the place. The cops, they've set up a roadblock. They're checking cars. They'll do houses at ten o'clock tonight, at curfew."
Growling, Vegeta swung the phone away from him and crashed it into the pans hanging over the sink. The loud metallic clattering deafened him and he blinked, his hair ruffled by the pots and pans that spilled all over the sink and onto the floor. Wide red and green eyes were watching him from across the counter, and he looked down at the mess.
"Excuse me," Hiei spoke up, his voice calm. "Is something wrong?"
Vegeta's eyes snapped open very wide, blazing at the short male and he raised his free hand in warning. "Look. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. Just shut up. Don't say anything, okay? Understand? Not a word."
"Yes."
"Just shut up," Vegeta warned, his uncontrolled breathing making his chest rise and fall in spurts. The male's mouth moved and his eyebrow twitched in reaction. "Shh, don't."
"Vegeta?" Krillin called, his voice high and worried.
"Because maybe we can help," Hiei finished calmly.
Black eyes filling his enraged face, Vegeta snatched up one of the pans, holding it over his head as he fought the urge to strike the male. "I swear--!" Hiei blinked at him and he tossed the pan aside, lifting the phone with pounding temples.
"Vegeta," Krillin murmured, worry clouding his voice, "where the hell are you? I'm scared...I don't think I can handle this..."
"Krillin," Vegeta said softly, "Have you been drinking?"
Shoving the half-full glass away from him, Krillin shook his head, staring warily at the telephone as if Vegeta would see him through it. "Of course not!" he said quickly, "what are you, nuts?"
"Calm down," Vegeta ordered, glaring at the floor, "just calm down."
"You gotta help me," Krillin said.
The telephone directory was still on the counter and Vegeta grabbed it suddenly, looking at the back. "Go to a place called Winslow harbors and steal us a boat."
"A boat?!" Krillin choked, his eyes bugging out. "I'm a car thief, Vegeta! What do I know about boats?"
"Figure it out!" Vegeta spat, "I don't care if it's a fucking barrel, as long as it floats." Lifting his arm, he looked at his watch. "It's seven-thirty now. Curfew starts at ten. That gives you more than enough time. You have a pen? Write this number down, 555-9365. Now repeat it." Krillin managed to do so and he nodded, almost smiling at the phone.
"Okay, Vegeta," Krillin said, his eyes watering for a second before focusing on the glass he'd pushed away. "Um, Vegeta...maybe you should tell me where the swag is hidden-in case I have to bribe somebody or something."
"No, Krillin," Vegeta growled, his eyebrow twitching, "No! You can hotwire a car, you can hotwire a fucking boat. And just remember if you can't, what men like you become in prison. Wet nurses. Okay, Krillin?" Grinning for a second, Vegeta slammed the phone down.
Krillin's face crumpled the moment he heard the click and he squirmed in his seat. Blinking at the bartender, he managed a twisted smile. "Thanks."
Rummaging through the refrigerator, Vegeta snatched up a bottle of wine, muttering to himself. "A couple of hours. We'll get a boat. Perfect. A couple of hours and we'll be out of here. Easy." The two silent males were still watching him and he glared before tilting the bottle back and drinking nearly the entire thing in one swig. Moments later he slammed it down with a heavy gasp of air, his dark eyes darting between the two sober-faced mates. "Now," he said, his tone almost pleasant. "Have any cigarettes?"
With a slight smirk, Hiei snorted. "I don't smoke. And Kurama just quit."
Vegeta's eyes sparked and his lips pulled into a slow smile as he stared at the redhead. "Ah," he breathed, sidling close to the male. "Just quit, ne?" The green-eyed male looked down, nodding slowly, and Vegeta's smile widened. "So...where are they, Kurama?"
Back tensing up, Kurama stared at the black-haired man. "What do you mean?"
Vegeta's voice turned into a velvety growl, his smile arching into a smirk. "Where. Are. They. Kurama?"
Kurama's mouth jerked into a sneer and he sighed suddenly, glaring at the man since he knew Hiei would raise hell. "Behind the chess board."
With a low chuckle, Vegeta turned to look around the kitchen. "Chess board..."
"What?" Hiei asked softly, his red eyes glaring at Kurama. "You *told* me you quit."
"Yeah," Kurama muttered, "I told you I quit smoking in the house. I never said I quit."
Glaring hotter, Hiei bared his teeth. "You said you *quit*. You haven't had a cigarette in three months."
Kurama returned the glare with his own bare teeth. "I haven't *finished* a cigarette in three months. I take a few drags, I *don't* inhale."
"You are *such* a liar," Hiei spat. "I don't believe it."
"I am *not* a liar!" Kurama cried, his eyes an almost fiery green.
"You sat right in the dining room and you *lied* to me," Hiei growled, "you looked me right in the eye-"
"I did not!" Kurama yelled, "It wasn't even *in* the dining room, it was in the bathroom!"
The two were completely focused on each other and Vegeta crossed the room, standing over them. They didn't even glance up to see his exasperated expression.
"I wonder how many *other* things you've lied about!" Hiei accused, his voice rising.
They were still looking at each other when Vegeta put his hands on their shoulders, and he smirked as he shoved them backwards. The chairs they were tied to cracked against the floor, the sound preceding a lovely bout of surprised silence as he stared down at them.
Bending over the redhead, Vegeta gave him an evil smile. "Did you say you would quit, Kurama?" Green eyes widened and he leaned closer. "Did you *say*...that you would quit?" A tense moment passed but Kurama finally closed his eyes, giving a slow nod. "Yes. So you are a liar. End of story."
A smirk curved Hiei's lips and Vegeta's eyes snapped to him along with Kurama's unhappy stare.
Pulling the gun out of his waistband, Vegeta pressed the muzzle against the tip of Hiei's nose with the same smirk he'd given Kurama. "You saw the stop sign, didn't you, Hiei? Eh? You saw the stop sign...didn't you, Hiei." Red eyes frowned up at him and he could swear the male looked more uncomfortable than afraid.
"Yes, I did," Hiei finally muttered.
"Yes," Vegeta smirked. "So you too are a liar. Capital 'l,' small 'i', small 'a,' small 'r,' period. Now shut the fuck up."
The gun was lifted from him with his admission, and Hiei wrinkled his nose. "Did you have an accident?" The man growled and moved away from them.
Blinking when he caught sight of a bloody tear along the back of the man's leg, Kurama lifted his head. "Did you know you're bleeding?"
"Yes," Vegeta muttered, touching his leg as he moved back around the counter to the sink.
"Were you shot?" Hiei asked, frowning since he could barely see the man from his prostrate position.
"The Briefs' fucking dog bit me," Vegeta growled.
Kurama's eyes widened in a mixture of awe and horror. "Bulma's dog, Cannibal *bit* you...?"
Eyes snapping down to the redhead, Vegeta blinked. "His name...is Cannibal?"
"Yes," Kurama said softly. The man grumbled over the sink and Kurama sighed, tilting his head back against the kitchen floor. "There are band-aids in the bathroom in the master bedroom upstairs."
Frowning around the kitchen, Vegeta's gaze stopped on the door to his left and he waved at it. "What's through here?"
"That's the mudroom," Hiei said.
The man turned to go and Kurama glanced at him before resting his head again. "Use the ouch-less. They're in the green container."
Hiei stared at the redhead's closed eyes for a second before turning his glare at the ceiling as he ground his teeth. But he couldn't hold back for long. "I don't believe it," he growled under his breath. "You want to have *sex* with him."
Eyes snapping open, Kurama stared at his mate's furious profile with disbelief. "What?!"
"'Use the ouch-less,'" Hiei mimed with a sneer, "'We have bungee cords.'"
"I was *frightened*," Kurama growled, his eyes sparking when Hiei didn't even glance at him. "People *get* frightened because they have *feelings*. Didn't your alien leaders teach you that before they *sent* you here?!" That got his mate's attention, but Kurama tossed his head to the side."
Staring at Kurama's silky red hair, Hiei sneered. "I suppose you'll use this drama as a reason to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man who comes to *this* house!"
Kurama was pulling against the cords binding him so close to the infuriating male, but he froze when a familiar 'ding-dong' echoed into the kitchen. Vegeta appeared in the doorway with a silencing gesture, but Kurama shook his head at the man. "Our car's in the driveway, and our lights are on. They *know* we're in here." The doorbell rang again as he stared at the thief's warily shifting eyes.
Moments later Vegeta peeked through the hole in the door only to scowl at the gray-bearded man standing outside. "Who the fuck is that?" he muttered, staring at the Santa suit. Kurama hadn't looked and he lifted the gun, frowning at the tall male. "Okay, make it quick."
Santa smiled when Kurama opened the door and greeted him with a cheerful trio of 'ho's.' "Did I catch you at a bad time?" Roshi asked.
"Oh, no-no," Kurama said quickly, waving a hand at his neighbor. "I was-in the attic."
"I bet you thought Kaoru forgot you on her fruit cake list," Roshi teased, his cold-pinkened cheeks rising till the white cotton around his face rose as well, showing hints of his dirty gray, but natural beard.
Nodding a bit, Kurama managed a smile. "I thought...maybe."
"Well," the man said, lifting a green-wrapped package, "she would never do that."
"Thank you, Roshi," Kurama smiled quickly, taking the box.
"Merry Christmas," Roshi called back with another wide smile.
"Thank you to Kaoru," Kurama continued, backing slowly into the house. He had almost shut the door when the old man stopped him.
"Did you hear about the reward?" the Santa-impersonator asked. "Dr. Briefs called the radio station and said he'll give one hundred thousand dollars to anyone who captures this guy.
Vegeta slammed his forehead against the inside of the door and Kurama jumped, blinking warily when Roshi frowned. With a quick smile, he shrugged and joggled the door as if he'd done it.
"Well," Roshi sighed, "I'll be going. I've got a lot of children to see before that curfew tonight."
"Yes," Kurama smiled, "thank you again."
"My best to Hiei, and to that son of yours..."
"Duo," Kurama said quickly, nodding as he tried to back inside and end the conversation before Vegeta got *really* antsy. "Yes, all right."
"I'm still waiting for our chess rematch," Roshi commented, "and...if he happens to know where the town's baby Jesus is, we're still missing it from the lawn nativity scene from last year."
Staring at the man, Kurama just barely managed to keep a blank face. "My God..."
With a smile and a salute, the old man waved. "Merry Christmas."
"Bye."
Walking carefully along the slick sidewalk, the pretend Santa didn't notice the black limo a few feet down the road, or the boy who looked out the window with dark eyes.
Kurama shut the door forcefully behind him, green eyes sparking angrily as he leaned his back against it. Vegeta was tearing into the green box, but he didn't pay much attention. "That guy," he muttered, glaring at the floor. "He still blames Duo for everything that happens. And he hasn't *played* chess with Duo for years."
Vegeta had just taken a big bite of the fruitcake and he gagged suddenly. "Agh...what's in this?"
"I don't know," Kurama smirked, "aloe? I hate it. Kaoru never learned to cook."
"Welcome to the suburbs," Vegeta growled, tossing the box aside.
"Yeah," Kurama nodded soulfully.
With a drawn out sigh, Vegeta pushed away from the door. "Where are those band-aids?"
"Upstairs."
Flicking his wrist, Vegeta waved the male forward. "Show me." They only made it a few feet up the stairs before his eyes locked onto a painting on the wall. "Wow," he muttered, frowning at it. "Nice."
"Yes," Kurama said, his face twisted into a distasteful frown. "It's my mother-in-law's. Every time I pass it I feel her eyes on me." His eyebrows rose and he smirked at the black-haired man. "You want it?"
Vegeta's eyes snapped up. "Do I *want* it? This is Katsu's work, right?" The redhead gave a solemn nod and he glared, shaking his head. "That really pisses me off," he growled.
"Excuse me?"
"You have something like this hanging on your wall," Vegeta muttered, "and you don't even appreciate it. That's because you've never worked a day in your life." Waving the gun, he prodded Kurama up the stairs, frowning when the green-eyed male glanced back at him.
"That's not true," Kurama said suddenly, scowling. "We had our own business once. We owned a restaurant. An Italian restaurant. Of course," he murmured, glancing upward, "I would have preferred French, but-"
"What are we," Vegeta cut in, his eyes wide, "girlfriends? Do I give a shit about this? No. Get moving."
* * *
The house looked the same no matter how long Duo stared at it and he leaned back in the limo, his eyes snapping to the driver. "Do you want to go for a cup of coffee?" he asked hopefully, flashing the man a tentative smile.
The elderly driver sighed, his eyes shifting over the boy. "Look kid," Pagan said slowly, "I want to go home to my family. This is my last job. Come on, it *can't* be *that* bad."
"Can you just drive me around the block a little?" Duo asked, waving a hand. "I'll give you another fifty."
"Well, it's your money..."
* * *
The happy children crowded around Santa in a half-circle as he pulled presents out of the sack at his feet. Sometime 'master' Roshi smiled and laughed as he handed the small wrapped gifts to each child according to name. One of the mothers came to kneel beside him and he gave his widest smile when Marron put an arm on his shoulder before looking at the sweet children.
"It's so *cold* outside," the pretty woman smiled, "do you think Santa would like something to eat?"
"Cookies!"
The cry was echoed a dozen-fold and Santa barely hid his disappointment as he glanced to Marron smiling as she half sat on his knee. "Cookies?" She gave a twitch of her skirt and wriggled an eyebrow at him before leaving him to the sweet kids who wanted to fill him with delicious cookies.
"Merry Christmas, Santa," Marron called as she moved to join the adults at the food-laden table visible through the doorway.
After seven children placed cookies in Roshi's hands, in his mouth, and tried to force the glass of milk down his throat, Santa's voice hardened, just a bit. "Enough with the cookies, kids."
* * *
The cords had been uncomfortable when they were tied to chairs, but Hiei definitely preferred that position to the one he was in now. He and Kurama were bound facing each other, laid on their sides across the bed with their ankles barely hanging off the edge. There was only a tiny bit of room to even struggle, they were tied so tightly together. And Kurama wouldn't stop wriggling. Gritting his teeth, Hiei watched his mate's face. "You two were gone an awfully long time," he commented, his voice low.
"I got us moved to a more comfortable place," Kurama frowned, "didn't I?"
"Yeah," Hiei snorted, "but what did you have to do for it, dress his wounds?"
"Oh," Kurama sighed, pressing his face against Hiei's shoulder, "Yes, Hiei, that's right, we're having an affair. He wants to run away with me to Acapulco. He just tied me up with you in case I had second thoughts."
Sweet scented red hair was pressing his nose and Hiei blew against it, wrinkling his face. "No one goes to Acapulco anymore," he said.
"Egh!" Kurama groaned. "Our son's going to come walking in here any minute. Why don't you worry about that."
Closing his eyes, Hiei didn't react. "I'm sure if we cooperate he won't hurt him." The tall redhead squirmed against him and his eyes snapped open. "What are you doing?"
"I think we can get out of these," Kurama whispered, shifting in the tight binds. The small male was absolutely still against him and he shoved his shoulders off the bed, rocking Hiei along with him. "Move your body!"
"Stop that!" Hiei growled, face breaking out in a light sweat. "What if he comes in here?"
With a small smirk, Kurama nuzzled his face against the top of Hiei's hair, his eyes glinting merrily. "We can just say we're being...affectionate." Red eyes met his as Hiei's face tilted back and he smirked wider.
"Tied up?" Hiei asked, raising an eyebrow, "with an armed man in the house?"
"Heh, works for me," Kurama grinned, wriggling harder against the bungee cords.
* * *
Wandering through the hall, Vegeta looked over the pictures lining the small cabinets. As little time as he'd spent with the couple, he couldn't imagine the child they might have raised together. Of course, the boy had to be adopted, but still. There was at least one picture of the two heathen males standing to either side of a small boy, perhaps six years old at most. Long hair stood out in the pictures, but after being around Kurama for half the night, Vegeta was almost used to that.
Vegeta's bored search led him to a door at the end of the hall, and he knew the moment he stepped inside that it belonged to the awaited son. The posters on the walls of rock bands proved that, as far as he was concerned. Circling the room, he fingered the few items lining the dresser, the nightstand. There was a wooden model plane on one of the shelves, but it wasn't finished, the small parts lying mostly beside the plane rather than attached to it. His gaze fell on a trunk with a semicircular lid and he moved to it, glancing over the initials that read DM.
Curious, Vegeta crouched beside it and looked inside, his hand pulling away the faded, pale blue blanket he found. And then his lips curved into a wry smirk as he saw what was hidden there. The bickering couple must never have invaded the boy's room, or else Kurama would have known exactly where the missing baby Jesus was. After staring at the cheap metal carving, Vegeta put the stolen item back, his soft snort the only comment.
* * *
Kurama's muscles were getting stiff from the lack of freedom and he frowned at Hiei, unappreciative of his mate's pathetic attempts to help. "Just reach down and touch that clip."
With a sniff, Hiei jerked his head to the side, his eyes glaring away. "I *told* you, I can't move my arm."
"Oh, fine!" Kurama growled, rolling onto his leg, unmindful of whether or not his slight lover was crushed. "If you won't, then *I'll* do it." He twisted, trying to move his wrist down closer to the clip.
"Stop it!"
Hiei's sharp order made Kurama frown, but it was the feel of something else that made his brows draw together. "What's that?" Kurama blinked when Hiei abruptly blushed and twisted his face away.
"Nothing."
Realization dawned and Kurama smiled slowly, shifting against Hiei with glittering eyes. "It doesn't *feel* like nothing..." he commented.
Biting back an urge to snicker, Hiei glanced into green eyes, his lips curved in a small smirk. "It's just affection."
Kurama's mouth opened in surprise and he grinned suddenly, rocking farther onto his hip so he was pressed more on top of his mate. "Mm, I see..."
Hiei's face twisted and he paled, squirming in a vain attempt to get away. "Kurama..." Bright green eyes sparked at him and he couldn't stop the soft chuckle that passed his lips. The tantalizing motion paused as well and he stared into wide green orbs, his own eyes widening slowly.
"Kurama, you animal."
A low laugh coincided with Hiei's red face and Kurama felt his own cheeks grow hot as he tilted his head back to glare at the smirking man in the doorway. "Haven't you left yet?" Kurama growled.
"Did you hear the fucking phone ring?" Vegeta countered, not quite losing his smirk.
"Look," Kurama said, using a calmer voice as he frowned at the man standing over them. "What about our son?"
"Well," Vegeta muttered, lighting a cigarette. "It's going to be a real Maxell family picnic, isn't it." Red eyes snapped to him and he raised an eyebrow when Hiei glared.
"That's *Max*well," Hiei growled, "the church, not the coffee."
"What?" The bound male snorted and Vegeta snorted back at him, leaning against the bedpost. "Whatever. You have any extra cord?"
"No," Hiei said quickly, before Kurama could suggest something else, "we don't have any extra cord."
"Hn. We'll have to economize..."
* * *
The roadblock was a long one, but Yusuke was calm enough when the officer waved them to a halt. Pulling his ID out, he handed it to the man with a small smile.
Frowning from the back seat, Mukuro shifted angrily. "How can they do this to people on Christmas eve...?"
"Well," Keiko said, looking back at the woman, "there's a criminal at large, and they can't stop for the holidays."
"Maybe they'll catch him," Botan said, "and then let him go out of the spirit of Christmas."
Keiko frowned at the girl, her brows coming down swiftly. "That is *not* the spirit of Christmas. The spirit of Christmas is either you're good, or you're punished and you burn in hell." Her daughter rolled her eyes and she sniffed. "Who would catch a criminal and then let him go free?"
Botan raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "The Republicans?" Mukuro turned a dark glower on her and she squirmed suddenly, dropping her eyes.
* * *
The bed sheets weren't nearly as strong as the bungee cord, but Hiei had to admit Vegeta used them well, binding him and Kurama securely to the posts at the foot of their large bed. The green-eyed male looked at him and Hiei rolled his eyes, tilting his head back as he spoke to the man behind him. "Why don't you just give yourself up?"
Vegeta had just finished tying the male and he stood, frowning down at Hiei. "What did you say?" he asked testily.
"Well," Hiei said slowly, his eyes turned up at the man. "You aren't going to kill an entire family. You're a thief, not a killer. That's obvious."
Sneering, Vegeta moved to add a cord to Kurama, his eyes flicking back to Hiei. "I hate people like you, you know that? With your Jeep Cherokees and your Nicaraguan maids, every God-damn thing in the world handed to you. What fucking purpose do you people serve?"
"You're a *failed* thief, what kind of purpose do *you* serve?" Hiei countered, his own eyes just as narrow.
Jerking the cord tight, Vegeta scowled. "I *work* for a living. I have a job, I have skills. What do you do except take up fucking space?"
Hiei's lips twitched and he snorted at the man. "If you're so skilled, what are you doing stuck here?"
"I can break into any house, anywhere, take anything I want, in and out in ten minutes, no prints, no evidence, nothing. If it weren't for that fucking road-runner booby trap I'd be in Jamaica by now."
"I'm impressed," Hiei said, his expression droll.
"No," Vegeta spat, tightening the cord until Kurama glared up at him. "You people don't get impressed. Life just bores the hell out of you. We don't all have rich mommies and daddies we can live off of," he smirked, glancing at Kurama, "or open restaurants when we get bored playing tennis." Red eyes snapped to him and he crossed his hands over his chest, meeting Hiei's blank stare with a dark sneer, directing the short male's eyes to Kurama.
Blinking, Hiei slowly frowned at Kurama. "You told him about the restaurant?" The red-haired male bit his lip.
"Yes," Vegeta smirked. "Heard you couldn't cut it working for a living so you-"
"Shut up!" Hiei shouted, his deep voice very loud in the room, loud enough that Kurama flinched. "You know," he said softly, staring at Kurama, "you and my mate have a lot in common. You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want it to and if it doesn't you get to act any way you want. The problem with that is someone still has to be responsible. I'd love to run around taking classes and playing with my 'inner selfdom,' I'd love to have the freedom to be a pissed-off criminal without any responsibility, except I don't have the time! But you don't see me with a gun," he said, his eyes flicking to Vegeta for a second before latching onto Kurama. "You don't see me sleeping with someone else..." Green eyes stared back at him for a long moment of silence that was broken by the sound of a door shutting below them.
"Oh!" Kurama's eyes widened and he turned to stare at Vegeta as the man lifted his gun and took up position near the door, shutting it quietly and holding the gun ready and aimed at a point between them.
Duo came up the stairs quickly, his light steps not making too much noise. He paused for a moment next to his parent's door, his head tilted as he listened, but silence met him from inside. Shaking his head, the boy turned and hurried down the hall to his room, his knapsack over one shoulder, a silver briefcase in his right hand. His lights were on when he reached his room, but he didn't pause to think about that. He set the case on the floor and undid the latches, pushing a small segment of wood away from his secret cubbyhole. It only took a minute to hide his newest addition of bundled bills, and he returned the wooden piece without the slightest visible seam in the clean floor.
Inside the bedroom, Vegeta heard soft footsteps near the door again and stepped back, the gun held near his shoulder, barrel aimed at the ceiling. Kurama and Hiei were sitting on the bed, their backs to the posts, and their eyes locked on the door.
"Are you guys decent?" Duo called, knocking lightly on the door. "Hello?" He pushed the door open and froze just inside, his violet eyes widening. Vegeta moved to him and grabbed the boy's shoulder, the gun pressed to Duo's forehead.
"Duo-"
"Shut up," Vegeta said quietly, moving the boy to the back of the bed.
"Who are you?" Duo asked, staring over his shoulder in surprise.
"Just be still," Vegeta prodded. He pushed the boy onto his knees, pulling Duo's hands behind his back.
Kurama and Hiei were looking back over their shoulders since they were facing away, but Duo could see visible concern and his mouth opened as he finally understood what was going on. "Are you guys okay?" The black-haired man was tying his hands behind his back and Duo looked at him again, his brows lowering. "Wait-a-second, you're the guy-"
"Shut up!" Vegeta ordered, pulling the cloth tight.
"This isn't you're MO," Duo muttered, frowning back at the man. "You only knock over estates. But hostages...that's a no-win situation."
"You, too, huh?" Vegeta leaned back, having finished binding the boy, and he pulled his gun out of the back of his waistband. "You know what this family needs? A mute." The longhaired boy was still looking at him, not the least bit afraid and he held the gun up so all three of the hostages could see it. "I'm only going to say this one more time. I have a gun, it's loaded, shut up, okay?"
"Yes," Kurama cried, "but we have *people* coming for dinner."
"They're driving down," Hiei nodded. "It's-"
Kurama continued, "They'll be here any minute-"
"-tradition, every year."
"-five extra people," Kurama finished, waving his hands as high as the sheet-ropes would allow.
"What are you going to do?" Hiei muttered, "Tie us *all* up?"
Vegeta smirked, the gun aimed at Duo's back as he looked at Kurama. "Dinner's canceled."
"But we can't cancel," Kurama said, shaking his head and making Vegeta's face twitch into a scowl. "They're on the road."
"We can't put them off," Hiei frowned, "they'll be here by nine."
Vegeta turned, holding the gun and waving it between the two, "Should I just shoot one of you in the foot? Would that get the point across?"
"Listen," Duo said calmly, catching Vegeta's eyes. "If the police have a curfew, they might do house-to-house searches."
"House-to-house searches," Kurama repeated, his green eyes wide as he nodded at the gunman. "You see? You *can't* stay here."
"That would be very bad for you," Hiei nodded. "Really."
Vegeta's eye twitched, but he kept the gun aimed casually on Duo, his gaze falling. "I can't leave until my partner calls."
"How do you know he'll call?" Hiei asked, his low voice calm.
"He'll call," Vegeta growled, shifting on his knees where he sat behind Duo. "He better fucking call...if he doesn't call..."
Wrinkling his nose, Duo sniffed for a moment, his eyes dark as he looked around. "What smells like piss?" Hiei looked around the bedpost with a knowing gaze and nodded to Vegeta.
The boy was turned to look at him, and Vegeta's lips jerked as he shook his head. Waving the gun, he moved Duo so he could tie the boy to the bottom of the bedpost Hiei was already attached to.
* * *
TBC
Author's Notes: This fic is based on the movie 'The Ref,' and the dialogue was taken almost verbatim from that movie. I did this for Christmas, and I think it turned out very nicely. I didn't want this cut up, but it was too long to post otherwise.
Category: Anime, Yu Yu Hakusho, Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing, Rurouni Kenshin, possible others, Yaoi, AU-fusion with a movie
Warnings: extremely foul language (done for humor), multiple character bashings (don't take them personally, it's for fun), guaranteed OOC (out of character - again it was done for humor), humor (of course), shonen ai
Pairings: mostly KuramaxHiei, 1x2, and hints of others
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Website/Complete Archive: http://www.geocities.com/arigatomina
The Ref: Anime Style
Act 2
Food dotted the plates on the round table, but the clear white dishes shone empty for the most part. The kids were eating quicker than the adults, and the onion rings were the first to go. Reaching across the table to sprinkle salt on her mess of rings, Botan smiled at her brother. "Pass the ketchup."
"Pass the ketchup, *please*," Keiko admonished, frowning at the blue-haired girl in disapproval.
Sighing, Botan shifted in her chair, her eyes moving to her mother, who was sitting next to her. "I'm not hungry now. I *thought* we were eating at Uncle Hiei's."
Keiko rolled her eyes, glancing at her husband for a second before piling more French fries onto her plate. "God knows what disaster Kurama is making. This may be our last chance for decent food."
"He does it to irritate me," Mukuro spoke up, frowning at the food on the table. "I'm the one he's after."
Botan picked at her food for a second before turning pleading eyes on her brown-haired mother. "But I'm not *hungry* now-"
"Eat!" Keiko snapped, her eyes flashing, "Don't annoy me, it's *Christmas*."
Yusuke's adopted mother was looking at his wife and he shifted uncomfortably, a tentative smile directed to Keiko. "I'm sure he's going to a lot of trouble-"
"Yusuke," Keiko said sharply, "the last time you ate his cooking you had diarrhea for a week."
Bright brown eyes snapped to the blushing young man and Yahiko stared in surprise. "You had diarrhea for a week, dad?"
People turned to stare at them and Keiko batted the back of the dark-haired boy's head. "That's *not* appropriate conversation for the table," she admonished. "Eat!"
Glancing at her brother in commiseration, Botan sighed. "If we hate Uncle Kurama's cooking so much, why do we go there every year for Christmas?"
"Because," Mukuro said, lifting her chin as she stared upward, the cloth over her face shielding her right eye, "my poor Hiei needs his family." Her eye sparked as she looked around the table. "Otherwise he'd be all alone with that adulterer. And his delinquent son."
Yahiko looked up with a smirk. "I hope they get into a fight like they always do," he said, "their fights are bitchin'."
"Shut up!" Keiko snapped, whacking a hand over the boy's head. "Don't make me nuts today!" she yelled, "it's Christmas!"
Yusuke glanced around the table for a minute, his lips twitching in a wary smile. "Merry Christmas..."
* * *
The bungee cords had worked rather well, both in binding the two hostages, and in making them aware enough of their helplessness to shut them up. Wiping off his face and hands with a towel, Vegeta stood across the kitchen counter from the two. "Well," he said as he put the towel down. "Where's the worst dive bar around here?"
"The Mackerel," Kurama said.
"The Eighteenth Hole," Hiei said at the same moment. Turning, they stared at each other for a brief second. "How would *you* know?" Hiei asked, his eyes narrowing as he frowned at Kurama.
Shrugging, the redhead looked away. "I passed by once on the access road."
"Oh," Hiei muttered sarcastically, "you passed by once on the access road... Did you ever pass by the Seventeenth hole? It's like a urinal with windows."
"Well," Kurama said, frowning, "I don't want to argue about it-"
"And the Mackerel wouldn't *be* a dive bar," Hiei added, "because they can't have entertainment."
After flipping through the phone book, Vegeta dialed the first of the two numbers. A woman answered from the 'Mackerel Lounge,' and he frowned at the phone. "Hi. I'm looking for a friend of mine-"
"I'm saying it couldn't be the worst dive bar in town," Hiei growled, straining against the cords binding him to his chair.
"Oh," Kurama cried, tossing his head, "it couldn't *be* the-"
Glaring at the noise, Vegeta crossed the kitchen. "Hold on a second," he told the woman on the phone as he reached into the sink. The bickering rose and he grabbed the adjustable sprayer, hitting the two males in the face with a sudden stream of cold water. The noise was cut off immediately as they ducked their heads in identical expressions of shock and discomfort. After a second of silence, Vegeta waited to see if they'd say more before dropping the sprayer. "Thanks," he said into the phone. "I'm looking for a friend of mine. He's a short, drunken, bald loser."
"You just described everybody in the place," Megumi laughed, glancing around the dim lit bar as she brushed a hand through her long black hair and smiled against the phone.
"Right," Vegeta snorted. "Well, see if there's someone named Krillin there."
A bald head snapped up at a table in the corner of the bar, but Krillin kept quiet when the bartender called out his name. His hand shook over the ashtray and he ducked his head again, telling himself it was a coincidence. He was sure there were lots of people out there with the same name as him.
"I don't think he's here, pal," Megumi said.
Vegeta bared his teeth, not quite grinning in anger. "See if there's a waste of fucking life named Krillin there, try that one."
Grinning, the bartender held a hand over the phone. "Is there a waste of fucking life named Krillin here?"
Wide eyes snapped up and Krillin smiled in relief, waving a hand at the woman. "Uh-" The bartender smirked and handed him the phone. Krillin's hand wobbled a bit, but he was still smiling when he put the phone against his ear. "Hello?"
Vegeta smiled a tight dangerous smile as he paced about the kitchen. "Krillin. How are you?"
"Fine," Krillin smiled, wobbling in his chair. "How are you?"
"Oh," Vegeta said softly, "I'm fabulous, fabulous. Of course, I'm a little tired from running ten *fucking* miles because there was no *fucking* car waiting for me!" Nearly crushing the phone, Vegeta slammed it into the counter hard enough to crack the plastic, not once, but three times in rapid succession.
Kurama and Hiei both blinked.
"What did I tell you if something went wrong, Krillin?" Vegeta continued into the cracked mouthpiece. "I told you to act like a drunk, vagrant imbecile. Is that too much of a *fucking* stretch?!"
Krillin's arm trembled and he sniffled, awash with guilt. "I got nervous," he said softly, "the cops were all over the place. The cops, they've set up a roadblock. They're checking cars. They'll do houses at ten o'clock tonight, at curfew."
Growling, Vegeta swung the phone away from him and crashed it into the pans hanging over the sink. The loud metallic clattering deafened him and he blinked, his hair ruffled by the pots and pans that spilled all over the sink and onto the floor. Wide red and green eyes were watching him from across the counter, and he looked down at the mess.
"Excuse me," Hiei spoke up, his voice calm. "Is something wrong?"
Vegeta's eyes snapped open very wide, blazing at the short male and he raised his free hand in warning. "Look. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. Just shut up. Don't say anything, okay? Understand? Not a word."
"Yes."
"Just shut up," Vegeta warned, his uncontrolled breathing making his chest rise and fall in spurts. The male's mouth moved and his eyebrow twitched in reaction. "Shh, don't."
"Vegeta?" Krillin called, his voice high and worried.
"Because maybe we can help," Hiei finished calmly.
Black eyes filling his enraged face, Vegeta snatched up one of the pans, holding it over his head as he fought the urge to strike the male. "I swear--!" Hiei blinked at him and he tossed the pan aside, lifting the phone with pounding temples.
"Vegeta," Krillin murmured, worry clouding his voice, "where the hell are you? I'm scared...I don't think I can handle this..."
"Krillin," Vegeta said softly, "Have you been drinking?"
Shoving the half-full glass away from him, Krillin shook his head, staring warily at the telephone as if Vegeta would see him through it. "Of course not!" he said quickly, "what are you, nuts?"
"Calm down," Vegeta ordered, glaring at the floor, "just calm down."
"You gotta help me," Krillin said.
The telephone directory was still on the counter and Vegeta grabbed it suddenly, looking at the back. "Go to a place called Winslow harbors and steal us a boat."
"A boat?!" Krillin choked, his eyes bugging out. "I'm a car thief, Vegeta! What do I know about boats?"
"Figure it out!" Vegeta spat, "I don't care if it's a fucking barrel, as long as it floats." Lifting his arm, he looked at his watch. "It's seven-thirty now. Curfew starts at ten. That gives you more than enough time. You have a pen? Write this number down, 555-9365. Now repeat it." Krillin managed to do so and he nodded, almost smiling at the phone.
"Okay, Vegeta," Krillin said, his eyes watering for a second before focusing on the glass he'd pushed away. "Um, Vegeta...maybe you should tell me where the swag is hidden-in case I have to bribe somebody or something."
"No, Krillin," Vegeta growled, his eyebrow twitching, "No! You can hotwire a car, you can hotwire a fucking boat. And just remember if you can't, what men like you become in prison. Wet nurses. Okay, Krillin?" Grinning for a second, Vegeta slammed the phone down.
Krillin's face crumpled the moment he heard the click and he squirmed in his seat. Blinking at the bartender, he managed a twisted smile. "Thanks."
Rummaging through the refrigerator, Vegeta snatched up a bottle of wine, muttering to himself. "A couple of hours. We'll get a boat. Perfect. A couple of hours and we'll be out of here. Easy." The two silent males were still watching him and he glared before tilting the bottle back and drinking nearly the entire thing in one swig. Moments later he slammed it down with a heavy gasp of air, his dark eyes darting between the two sober-faced mates. "Now," he said, his tone almost pleasant. "Have any cigarettes?"
With a slight smirk, Hiei snorted. "I don't smoke. And Kurama just quit."
Vegeta's eyes sparked and his lips pulled into a slow smile as he stared at the redhead. "Ah," he breathed, sidling close to the male. "Just quit, ne?" The green-eyed male looked down, nodding slowly, and Vegeta's smile widened. "So...where are they, Kurama?"
Back tensing up, Kurama stared at the black-haired man. "What do you mean?"
Vegeta's voice turned into a velvety growl, his smile arching into a smirk. "Where. Are. They. Kurama?"
Kurama's mouth jerked into a sneer and he sighed suddenly, glaring at the man since he knew Hiei would raise hell. "Behind the chess board."
With a low chuckle, Vegeta turned to look around the kitchen. "Chess board..."
"What?" Hiei asked softly, his red eyes glaring at Kurama. "You *told* me you quit."
"Yeah," Kurama muttered, "I told you I quit smoking in the house. I never said I quit."
Glaring hotter, Hiei bared his teeth. "You said you *quit*. You haven't had a cigarette in three months."
Kurama returned the glare with his own bare teeth. "I haven't *finished* a cigarette in three months. I take a few drags, I *don't* inhale."
"You are *such* a liar," Hiei spat. "I don't believe it."
"I am *not* a liar!" Kurama cried, his eyes an almost fiery green.
"You sat right in the dining room and you *lied* to me," Hiei growled, "you looked me right in the eye-"
"I did not!" Kurama yelled, "It wasn't even *in* the dining room, it was in the bathroom!"
The two were completely focused on each other and Vegeta crossed the room, standing over them. They didn't even glance up to see his exasperated expression.
"I wonder how many *other* things you've lied about!" Hiei accused, his voice rising.
They were still looking at each other when Vegeta put his hands on their shoulders, and he smirked as he shoved them backwards. The chairs they were tied to cracked against the floor, the sound preceding a lovely bout of surprised silence as he stared down at them.
Bending over the redhead, Vegeta gave him an evil smile. "Did you say you would quit, Kurama?" Green eyes widened and he leaned closer. "Did you *say*...that you would quit?" A tense moment passed but Kurama finally closed his eyes, giving a slow nod. "Yes. So you are a liar. End of story."
A smirk curved Hiei's lips and Vegeta's eyes snapped to him along with Kurama's unhappy stare.
Pulling the gun out of his waistband, Vegeta pressed the muzzle against the tip of Hiei's nose with the same smirk he'd given Kurama. "You saw the stop sign, didn't you, Hiei? Eh? You saw the stop sign...didn't you, Hiei." Red eyes frowned up at him and he could swear the male looked more uncomfortable than afraid.
"Yes, I did," Hiei finally muttered.
"Yes," Vegeta smirked. "So you too are a liar. Capital 'l,' small 'i', small 'a,' small 'r,' period. Now shut the fuck up."
The gun was lifted from him with his admission, and Hiei wrinkled his nose. "Did you have an accident?" The man growled and moved away from them.
Blinking when he caught sight of a bloody tear along the back of the man's leg, Kurama lifted his head. "Did you know you're bleeding?"
"Yes," Vegeta muttered, touching his leg as he moved back around the counter to the sink.
"Were you shot?" Hiei asked, frowning since he could barely see the man from his prostrate position.
"The Briefs' fucking dog bit me," Vegeta growled.
Kurama's eyes widened in a mixture of awe and horror. "Bulma's dog, Cannibal *bit* you...?"
Eyes snapping down to the redhead, Vegeta blinked. "His name...is Cannibal?"
"Yes," Kurama said softly. The man grumbled over the sink and Kurama sighed, tilting his head back against the kitchen floor. "There are band-aids in the bathroom in the master bedroom upstairs."
Frowning around the kitchen, Vegeta's gaze stopped on the door to his left and he waved at it. "What's through here?"
"That's the mudroom," Hiei said.
The man turned to go and Kurama glanced at him before resting his head again. "Use the ouch-less. They're in the green container."
Hiei stared at the redhead's closed eyes for a second before turning his glare at the ceiling as he ground his teeth. But he couldn't hold back for long. "I don't believe it," he growled under his breath. "You want to have *sex* with him."
Eyes snapping open, Kurama stared at his mate's furious profile with disbelief. "What?!"
"'Use the ouch-less,'" Hiei mimed with a sneer, "'We have bungee cords.'"
"I was *frightened*," Kurama growled, his eyes sparking when Hiei didn't even glance at him. "People *get* frightened because they have *feelings*. Didn't your alien leaders teach you that before they *sent* you here?!" That got his mate's attention, but Kurama tossed his head to the side."
Staring at Kurama's silky red hair, Hiei sneered. "I suppose you'll use this drama as a reason to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man who comes to *this* house!"
Kurama was pulling against the cords binding him so close to the infuriating male, but he froze when a familiar 'ding-dong' echoed into the kitchen. Vegeta appeared in the doorway with a silencing gesture, but Kurama shook his head at the man. "Our car's in the driveway, and our lights are on. They *know* we're in here." The doorbell rang again as he stared at the thief's warily shifting eyes.
Moments later Vegeta peeked through the hole in the door only to scowl at the gray-bearded man standing outside. "Who the fuck is that?" he muttered, staring at the Santa suit. Kurama hadn't looked and he lifted the gun, frowning at the tall male. "Okay, make it quick."
Santa smiled when Kurama opened the door and greeted him with a cheerful trio of 'ho's.' "Did I catch you at a bad time?" Roshi asked.
"Oh, no-no," Kurama said quickly, waving a hand at his neighbor. "I was-in the attic."
"I bet you thought Kaoru forgot you on her fruit cake list," Roshi teased, his cold-pinkened cheeks rising till the white cotton around his face rose as well, showing hints of his dirty gray, but natural beard.
Nodding a bit, Kurama managed a smile. "I thought...maybe."
"Well," the man said, lifting a green-wrapped package, "she would never do that."
"Thank you, Roshi," Kurama smiled quickly, taking the box.
"Merry Christmas," Roshi called back with another wide smile.
"Thank you to Kaoru," Kurama continued, backing slowly into the house. He had almost shut the door when the old man stopped him.
"Did you hear about the reward?" the Santa-impersonator asked. "Dr. Briefs called the radio station and said he'll give one hundred thousand dollars to anyone who captures this guy.
Vegeta slammed his forehead against the inside of the door and Kurama jumped, blinking warily when Roshi frowned. With a quick smile, he shrugged and joggled the door as if he'd done it.
"Well," Roshi sighed, "I'll be going. I've got a lot of children to see before that curfew tonight."
"Yes," Kurama smiled, "thank you again."
"My best to Hiei, and to that son of yours..."
"Duo," Kurama said quickly, nodding as he tried to back inside and end the conversation before Vegeta got *really* antsy. "Yes, all right."
"I'm still waiting for our chess rematch," Roshi commented, "and...if he happens to know where the town's baby Jesus is, we're still missing it from the lawn nativity scene from last year."
Staring at the man, Kurama just barely managed to keep a blank face. "My God..."
With a smile and a salute, the old man waved. "Merry Christmas."
"Bye."
Walking carefully along the slick sidewalk, the pretend Santa didn't notice the black limo a few feet down the road, or the boy who looked out the window with dark eyes.
Kurama shut the door forcefully behind him, green eyes sparking angrily as he leaned his back against it. Vegeta was tearing into the green box, but he didn't pay much attention. "That guy," he muttered, glaring at the floor. "He still blames Duo for everything that happens. And he hasn't *played* chess with Duo for years."
Vegeta had just taken a big bite of the fruitcake and he gagged suddenly. "Agh...what's in this?"
"I don't know," Kurama smirked, "aloe? I hate it. Kaoru never learned to cook."
"Welcome to the suburbs," Vegeta growled, tossing the box aside.
"Yeah," Kurama nodded soulfully.
With a drawn out sigh, Vegeta pushed away from the door. "Where are those band-aids?"
"Upstairs."
Flicking his wrist, Vegeta waved the male forward. "Show me." They only made it a few feet up the stairs before his eyes locked onto a painting on the wall. "Wow," he muttered, frowning at it. "Nice."
"Yes," Kurama said, his face twisted into a distasteful frown. "It's my mother-in-law's. Every time I pass it I feel her eyes on me." His eyebrows rose and he smirked at the black-haired man. "You want it?"
Vegeta's eyes snapped up. "Do I *want* it? This is Katsu's work, right?" The redhead gave a solemn nod and he glared, shaking his head. "That really pisses me off," he growled.
"Excuse me?"
"You have something like this hanging on your wall," Vegeta muttered, "and you don't even appreciate it. That's because you've never worked a day in your life." Waving the gun, he prodded Kurama up the stairs, frowning when the green-eyed male glanced back at him.
"That's not true," Kurama said suddenly, scowling. "We had our own business once. We owned a restaurant. An Italian restaurant. Of course," he murmured, glancing upward, "I would have preferred French, but-"
"What are we," Vegeta cut in, his eyes wide, "girlfriends? Do I give a shit about this? No. Get moving."
* * *
The house looked the same no matter how long Duo stared at it and he leaned back in the limo, his eyes snapping to the driver. "Do you want to go for a cup of coffee?" he asked hopefully, flashing the man a tentative smile.
The elderly driver sighed, his eyes shifting over the boy. "Look kid," Pagan said slowly, "I want to go home to my family. This is my last job. Come on, it *can't* be *that* bad."
"Can you just drive me around the block a little?" Duo asked, waving a hand. "I'll give you another fifty."
"Well, it's your money..."
* * *
The happy children crowded around Santa in a half-circle as he pulled presents out of the sack at his feet. Sometime 'master' Roshi smiled and laughed as he handed the small wrapped gifts to each child according to name. One of the mothers came to kneel beside him and he gave his widest smile when Marron put an arm on his shoulder before looking at the sweet children.
"It's so *cold* outside," the pretty woman smiled, "do you think Santa would like something to eat?"
"Cookies!"
The cry was echoed a dozen-fold and Santa barely hid his disappointment as he glanced to Marron smiling as she half sat on his knee. "Cookies?" She gave a twitch of her skirt and wriggled an eyebrow at him before leaving him to the sweet kids who wanted to fill him with delicious cookies.
"Merry Christmas, Santa," Marron called as she moved to join the adults at the food-laden table visible through the doorway.
After seven children placed cookies in Roshi's hands, in his mouth, and tried to force the glass of milk down his throat, Santa's voice hardened, just a bit. "Enough with the cookies, kids."
* * *
The cords had been uncomfortable when they were tied to chairs, but Hiei definitely preferred that position to the one he was in now. He and Kurama were bound facing each other, laid on their sides across the bed with their ankles barely hanging off the edge. There was only a tiny bit of room to even struggle, they were tied so tightly together. And Kurama wouldn't stop wriggling. Gritting his teeth, Hiei watched his mate's face. "You two were gone an awfully long time," he commented, his voice low.
"I got us moved to a more comfortable place," Kurama frowned, "didn't I?"
"Yeah," Hiei snorted, "but what did you have to do for it, dress his wounds?"
"Oh," Kurama sighed, pressing his face against Hiei's shoulder, "Yes, Hiei, that's right, we're having an affair. He wants to run away with me to Acapulco. He just tied me up with you in case I had second thoughts."
Sweet scented red hair was pressing his nose and Hiei blew against it, wrinkling his face. "No one goes to Acapulco anymore," he said.
"Egh!" Kurama groaned. "Our son's going to come walking in here any minute. Why don't you worry about that."
Closing his eyes, Hiei didn't react. "I'm sure if we cooperate he won't hurt him." The tall redhead squirmed against him and his eyes snapped open. "What are you doing?"
"I think we can get out of these," Kurama whispered, shifting in the tight binds. The small male was absolutely still against him and he shoved his shoulders off the bed, rocking Hiei along with him. "Move your body!"
"Stop that!" Hiei growled, face breaking out in a light sweat. "What if he comes in here?"
With a small smirk, Kurama nuzzled his face against the top of Hiei's hair, his eyes glinting merrily. "We can just say we're being...affectionate." Red eyes met his as Hiei's face tilted back and he smirked wider.
"Tied up?" Hiei asked, raising an eyebrow, "with an armed man in the house?"
"Heh, works for me," Kurama grinned, wriggling harder against the bungee cords.
* * *
Wandering through the hall, Vegeta looked over the pictures lining the small cabinets. As little time as he'd spent with the couple, he couldn't imagine the child they might have raised together. Of course, the boy had to be adopted, but still. There was at least one picture of the two heathen males standing to either side of a small boy, perhaps six years old at most. Long hair stood out in the pictures, but after being around Kurama for half the night, Vegeta was almost used to that.
Vegeta's bored search led him to a door at the end of the hall, and he knew the moment he stepped inside that it belonged to the awaited son. The posters on the walls of rock bands proved that, as far as he was concerned. Circling the room, he fingered the few items lining the dresser, the nightstand. There was a wooden model plane on one of the shelves, but it wasn't finished, the small parts lying mostly beside the plane rather than attached to it. His gaze fell on a trunk with a semicircular lid and he moved to it, glancing over the initials that read DM.
Curious, Vegeta crouched beside it and looked inside, his hand pulling away the faded, pale blue blanket he found. And then his lips curved into a wry smirk as he saw what was hidden there. The bickering couple must never have invaded the boy's room, or else Kurama would have known exactly where the missing baby Jesus was. After staring at the cheap metal carving, Vegeta put the stolen item back, his soft snort the only comment.
* * *
Kurama's muscles were getting stiff from the lack of freedom and he frowned at Hiei, unappreciative of his mate's pathetic attempts to help. "Just reach down and touch that clip."
With a sniff, Hiei jerked his head to the side, his eyes glaring away. "I *told* you, I can't move my arm."
"Oh, fine!" Kurama growled, rolling onto his leg, unmindful of whether or not his slight lover was crushed. "If you won't, then *I'll* do it." He twisted, trying to move his wrist down closer to the clip.
"Stop it!"
Hiei's sharp order made Kurama frown, but it was the feel of something else that made his brows draw together. "What's that?" Kurama blinked when Hiei abruptly blushed and twisted his face away.
"Nothing."
Realization dawned and Kurama smiled slowly, shifting against Hiei with glittering eyes. "It doesn't *feel* like nothing..." he commented.
Biting back an urge to snicker, Hiei glanced into green eyes, his lips curved in a small smirk. "It's just affection."
Kurama's mouth opened in surprise and he grinned suddenly, rocking farther onto his hip so he was pressed more on top of his mate. "Mm, I see..."
Hiei's face twisted and he paled, squirming in a vain attempt to get away. "Kurama..." Bright green eyes sparked at him and he couldn't stop the soft chuckle that passed his lips. The tantalizing motion paused as well and he stared into wide green orbs, his own eyes widening slowly.
"Kurama, you animal."
A low laugh coincided with Hiei's red face and Kurama felt his own cheeks grow hot as he tilted his head back to glare at the smirking man in the doorway. "Haven't you left yet?" Kurama growled.
"Did you hear the fucking phone ring?" Vegeta countered, not quite losing his smirk.
"Look," Kurama said, using a calmer voice as he frowned at the man standing over them. "What about our son?"
"Well," Vegeta muttered, lighting a cigarette. "It's going to be a real Maxell family picnic, isn't it." Red eyes snapped to him and he raised an eyebrow when Hiei glared.
"That's *Max*well," Hiei growled, "the church, not the coffee."
"What?" The bound male snorted and Vegeta snorted back at him, leaning against the bedpost. "Whatever. You have any extra cord?"
"No," Hiei said quickly, before Kurama could suggest something else, "we don't have any extra cord."
"Hn. We'll have to economize..."
* * *
The roadblock was a long one, but Yusuke was calm enough when the officer waved them to a halt. Pulling his ID out, he handed it to the man with a small smile.
Frowning from the back seat, Mukuro shifted angrily. "How can they do this to people on Christmas eve...?"
"Well," Keiko said, looking back at the woman, "there's a criminal at large, and they can't stop for the holidays."
"Maybe they'll catch him," Botan said, "and then let him go out of the spirit of Christmas."
Keiko frowned at the girl, her brows coming down swiftly. "That is *not* the spirit of Christmas. The spirit of Christmas is either you're good, or you're punished and you burn in hell." Her daughter rolled her eyes and she sniffed. "Who would catch a criminal and then let him go free?"
Botan raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "The Republicans?" Mukuro turned a dark glower on her and she squirmed suddenly, dropping her eyes.
* * *
The bed sheets weren't nearly as strong as the bungee cord, but Hiei had to admit Vegeta used them well, binding him and Kurama securely to the posts at the foot of their large bed. The green-eyed male looked at him and Hiei rolled his eyes, tilting his head back as he spoke to the man behind him. "Why don't you just give yourself up?"
Vegeta had just finished tying the male and he stood, frowning down at Hiei. "What did you say?" he asked testily.
"Well," Hiei said slowly, his eyes turned up at the man. "You aren't going to kill an entire family. You're a thief, not a killer. That's obvious."
Sneering, Vegeta moved to add a cord to Kurama, his eyes flicking back to Hiei. "I hate people like you, you know that? With your Jeep Cherokees and your Nicaraguan maids, every God-damn thing in the world handed to you. What fucking purpose do you people serve?"
"You're a *failed* thief, what kind of purpose do *you* serve?" Hiei countered, his own eyes just as narrow.
Jerking the cord tight, Vegeta scowled. "I *work* for a living. I have a job, I have skills. What do you do except take up fucking space?"
Hiei's lips twitched and he snorted at the man. "If you're so skilled, what are you doing stuck here?"
"I can break into any house, anywhere, take anything I want, in and out in ten minutes, no prints, no evidence, nothing. If it weren't for that fucking road-runner booby trap I'd be in Jamaica by now."
"I'm impressed," Hiei said, his expression droll.
"No," Vegeta spat, tightening the cord until Kurama glared up at him. "You people don't get impressed. Life just bores the hell out of you. We don't all have rich mommies and daddies we can live off of," he smirked, glancing at Kurama, "or open restaurants when we get bored playing tennis." Red eyes snapped to him and he crossed his hands over his chest, meeting Hiei's blank stare with a dark sneer, directing the short male's eyes to Kurama.
Blinking, Hiei slowly frowned at Kurama. "You told him about the restaurant?" The red-haired male bit his lip.
"Yes," Vegeta smirked. "Heard you couldn't cut it working for a living so you-"
"Shut up!" Hiei shouted, his deep voice very loud in the room, loud enough that Kurama flinched. "You know," he said softly, staring at Kurama, "you and my mate have a lot in common. You both think you have some right to life working out the way you want it to and if it doesn't you get to act any way you want. The problem with that is someone still has to be responsible. I'd love to run around taking classes and playing with my 'inner selfdom,' I'd love to have the freedom to be a pissed-off criminal without any responsibility, except I don't have the time! But you don't see me with a gun," he said, his eyes flicking to Vegeta for a second before latching onto Kurama. "You don't see me sleeping with someone else..." Green eyes stared back at him for a long moment of silence that was broken by the sound of a door shutting below them.
"Oh!" Kurama's eyes widened and he turned to stare at Vegeta as the man lifted his gun and took up position near the door, shutting it quietly and holding the gun ready and aimed at a point between them.
Duo came up the stairs quickly, his light steps not making too much noise. He paused for a moment next to his parent's door, his head tilted as he listened, but silence met him from inside. Shaking his head, the boy turned and hurried down the hall to his room, his knapsack over one shoulder, a silver briefcase in his right hand. His lights were on when he reached his room, but he didn't pause to think about that. He set the case on the floor and undid the latches, pushing a small segment of wood away from his secret cubbyhole. It only took a minute to hide his newest addition of bundled bills, and he returned the wooden piece without the slightest visible seam in the clean floor.
Inside the bedroom, Vegeta heard soft footsteps near the door again and stepped back, the gun held near his shoulder, barrel aimed at the ceiling. Kurama and Hiei were sitting on the bed, their backs to the posts, and their eyes locked on the door.
"Are you guys decent?" Duo called, knocking lightly on the door. "Hello?" He pushed the door open and froze just inside, his violet eyes widening. Vegeta moved to him and grabbed the boy's shoulder, the gun pressed to Duo's forehead.
"Duo-"
"Shut up," Vegeta said quietly, moving the boy to the back of the bed.
"Who are you?" Duo asked, staring over his shoulder in surprise.
"Just be still," Vegeta prodded. He pushed the boy onto his knees, pulling Duo's hands behind his back.
Kurama and Hiei were looking back over their shoulders since they were facing away, but Duo could see visible concern and his mouth opened as he finally understood what was going on. "Are you guys okay?" The black-haired man was tying his hands behind his back and Duo looked at him again, his brows lowering. "Wait-a-second, you're the guy-"
"Shut up!" Vegeta ordered, pulling the cloth tight.
"This isn't you're MO," Duo muttered, frowning back at the man. "You only knock over estates. But hostages...that's a no-win situation."
"You, too, huh?" Vegeta leaned back, having finished binding the boy, and he pulled his gun out of the back of his waistband. "You know what this family needs? A mute." The longhaired boy was still looking at him, not the least bit afraid and he held the gun up so all three of the hostages could see it. "I'm only going to say this one more time. I have a gun, it's loaded, shut up, okay?"
"Yes," Kurama cried, "but we have *people* coming for dinner."
"They're driving down," Hiei nodded. "It's-"
Kurama continued, "They'll be here any minute-"
"-tradition, every year."
"-five extra people," Kurama finished, waving his hands as high as the sheet-ropes would allow.
"What are you going to do?" Hiei muttered, "Tie us *all* up?"
Vegeta smirked, the gun aimed at Duo's back as he looked at Kurama. "Dinner's canceled."
"But we can't cancel," Kurama said, shaking his head and making Vegeta's face twitch into a scowl. "They're on the road."
"We can't put them off," Hiei frowned, "they'll be here by nine."
Vegeta turned, holding the gun and waving it between the two, "Should I just shoot one of you in the foot? Would that get the point across?"
"Listen," Duo said calmly, catching Vegeta's eyes. "If the police have a curfew, they might do house-to-house searches."
"House-to-house searches," Kurama repeated, his green eyes wide as he nodded at the gunman. "You see? You *can't* stay here."
"That would be very bad for you," Hiei nodded. "Really."
Vegeta's eye twitched, but he kept the gun aimed casually on Duo, his gaze falling. "I can't leave until my partner calls."
"How do you know he'll call?" Hiei asked, his low voice calm.
"He'll call," Vegeta growled, shifting on his knees where he sat behind Duo. "He better fucking call...if he doesn't call..."
Wrinkling his nose, Duo sniffed for a moment, his eyes dark as he looked around. "What smells like piss?" Hiei looked around the bedpost with a knowing gaze and nodded to Vegeta.
The boy was turned to look at him, and Vegeta's lips jerked as he shook his head. Waving the gun, he moved Duo so he could tie the boy to the bottom of the bedpost Hiei was already attached to.
* * *
TBC