Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ The Ref: Anime Style ❯ Act 4 ( Chapter 4 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Arigatomina 
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 12.19.2002 | Pages: 9 | Words: 8.4K | Visits: 295 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 12.19.2002 | Pages: 9 | Words: 8.4K | Visits: 295 | Status: Completed
This is a Christmas humor-fic.
Author's Notes: This fic is based on the movie 'The Ref,' and the dialogue was taken almost verbatim from that movie. I did this for Christmas, and I think it turned out very nicely. I didn't want this cut up, but it was too long to post otherwise.
Category: Anime, Yu Yu Hakusho, Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing, Rurouni Kenshin, possible others, Yaoi, AU-fusion with a movie
Warnings: extremely foul language (done for humor), multiple character bashings (don't take them personally, it's for fun), guaranteed OOC (out of character - again it was done for humor), humor (of course), shonen ai
Pairings: mostly KuramaxHiei, 1x2, and hints of others
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Website/Complete Archive: http://www.geocities.com/arigatomina
The Ref: Anime Style
Act 4
Officers swarmed through a nicely decorated house, their radios buzzing from the other places that were being checked. In the living room, one officer was smiling at a little boy. "Well," he said cheerfully, "at least I got a chance to see Santa while I was here."
"Ho, ho," Roshi laughed, a wine glass in his white-gloved hand. "And Santa would like to toast you all, for answering the call of duty, on this holiest of nights. Everybody, grab a glass!" he cried, not noticing that everyone already had one. "You two," he said, waving at a man and woman at the gathering, "grab a glass." The man and woman blinked down at the their wine glasses and exchanged a significant look.
The little boy frowned up at Roshi, his brows drawn. "Santa doesn't drink champagne," he said, "Santa drinks milk."
Roshi's back straightened as if shot and he rounded on the child, his alcohol-fogged eyes beady and bright. "Santa can't drink anymore milk tonight," he said, his voice low as he bent over the boy, "Santa has a lactose intolerance. It gives him horrible gas pains. You want to see Santa *farting* down everyone's chimney?!" The two children next to the fireplace jumped and Roshi straightened with a wide smile. "Merry Christmas!" he called, draining his glass as the adults echoed the wish.
* * *
"What we're having," Kurama explained, "is a traditional Scandinavian Christmas feast. We have suckling pig, fresh baked cream ores with a honey pink sauce, seven day old loot fish, and lamb gukens." He was standing next to his chair, and he directed the family's attention to the candle-lit wreaths they all wore. "What you're wearing on your heads are called Lucia wreaths, worn in honor of Saint Lucia, a brave and noble woman I admire very much. Her beliefs were so strong, they rendered her inflammable." Vegeta was watching him with an odd expression, and Kurama looked away, his chin lifting.
"As the story goes," Kurama continued, "Lucia was engaged to be married, and instead of giving her dowry to her in-laws, she gave it to the poor people of the village. Her husband to be," Kurama drawled, his eyes glinting off Hiei for just a second, "thinking her to be out of her mind, betrayed her to the Romans as a Christian. And they condemned her to be burned at the stake. But although she was surrounded by flames, she would not burn. And they had to stab her with a sword-"
"My God," Keiko said, her eyes wide. "Is this a *Christmas* story?"
"Who cares?" Mukuro muttered, grabbing the wreath she wore, "My forehead is blistering."
Yahiko smiled widely, nodding so that the flickering candles on his head waved. "I think it's a great story, Uncle Kurama."
"Thank you," Kurama smiled. "Okay, dig in everybody. Don't be shy."
Catching his mate's eye, Hiei gave a smile, his voice pitched to be heard around the table. "Everything looks great," he said.
Kurama returned the smile, his own green eyes glinting. "Thank you, sweetheart."
Looking at Vegeta, Mukuro leaned a bit closer to the table. "From what school are you trained, Dr. Wong. Freud?"
"No," Vegeta sniffed, taking a bite of his food. "Don't care for talking about that dream stuff."
Keiko blinked, leaning forward to see around Yahiko. "You don't think patients should examine their dreams?"
"Well," Vegeta said, his eyes moving around in sudden wariness. "I just don't think they should bother other people with them. I mean, what kind of loser actually thinks other people are interested?"
Hiei's eyes sparked and he turned them slowly, his gaze falling to rest on Kurama's pinched face. The green-eyed male frowned back at him.
Adjusting her collar, Mukuro tilted her head to peruse Vegeta. "You must have dealt with many strange and disturbed people, Dr. Wong."
"My line of work," Vegeta nodded, "you meat a lot of wackos."
Choking, Keiko's eyes flew to the man in shock. "You call your patients wackos?!"
"Yeah," Vegeta said slowly, blinking at the woman. "They like it."
"Well," Mukuro drawled, "it seems like the treatment is working. I've never *seen* these two so agreeable together-what the *hell* am I eating?"
Kurama blinked, his eyes falling to the little piece of food on Mukuro's fork. "Oh, that's a cream ore, they date back to the fourth century."
Grimacing, Mukuro put the fork down. "That's what it looks like." With a sigh, she looked around, her frown falling to rest on Kurama. "Where's your son?"
Hiei's eyes snapped to the woman and he caught her attention quickly. "He's spending the night at a friend's house."
"On Christmas eve?" Keiko asked, staring at him in disapproval.
"I think it's very strange," Mukuro commented.
Kurama and Hiei exchanged looks, not sure what to say, and Vegeta spoke up quickly. "Actually," he said, "that was my idea. Because when one is...constructing highways of communication...between two people, it's a good idea to clear the road and...slowly introduce exit lanes."
Eyes narrowed, Keiko frowned at the man suspiciously. "I could swear I heard something very similar to that on Oprah, last week."
"I assume," Mukuro said to Vegeta, her lips curved in a small smile, "that as you've built 'highways' of communication, you have discussed Kurama's adultery."
Kurama choked on his food, wide green eyes flying to Hiei in disbelief. "What? You told you *mother*?!" His mate didn't look up and Kurama stared in welling hurt.
Vegeta's gaze moved to Mukuro as the woman continued. "And why not?" she said, looking at Kurama. "He was very upset, and he needed someone he could *trust* to talk to. Tell me something," she asked Vegeta, "in your professional opinion, should these two be married?"
Hiei's eyes sparked dangerously, but he kept his voice to a light disapproving tone. "Mother-"
His cup was empty, and Kurama filled it with wine before standing and turning from the table. He only got a foot away before Vegeta's voice stopped him. "Kurama," Vegeta called, his eyes dark with warning. With a deep breath, Kurama glared back at the man and took his seat again.
"Is that part of the treatment?" Keiko asked, her tone curiously amused, "He can't leave?"
"Yes," Kurama said sweetly, still glaring at Vegeta. "Why don't you tell us all about your treatment, in detail. It would be *so* fascinating."
"Well," Vegeta said slowly, his gaze moving to find every eye at the table on him. "It's a complex...web of...complications...which need to be weaved and...uh...woven into a...quilt...of some kind. Heh. It's a really expensive treatment," he said, shaking his head at Hiei, "it costs a hell of a lot of money, I can tell you that much."
Hiei couldn't help but notice how much wine Kurama was drinking and he leaned toward his mate, a sickly sweet smile curving his lips. "Mm, these lamb cuzens are great, Kurama."
"They're *gukens*," Kurama said sharply, glaring at Hiei, "not *cuzens*, honey."
Mukuro looked from Kurama to Hiei, then smirked at Vegeta. "Where I was born, Dr. Wong, marriage was less complicated. My marriage was arranged, in fact. My husband lived in the next town, and our parents wanted to join farms."
Lips twitching, Vegeta forced a slight smile for the woman. "What kind of farms?"
"Pigs!" Kurama spat, his eyes sparkling emerald in the candlelit room.
Everyone blinked and Hiei cleared his throat. "Kurama, could I have the wine?"
"It's all finished," Kurama smirked, "we'll have to get another bottle." Standing, he made his way into the kitchen, and Hiei followed quickly, sending a significant look to Vegeta. Pushing his chair back, Vegeta hurried after them, Mukuro's voice making him pause in the doorway.
"Where are you all going?" Mukuro frowned.
"I have to go with them," Vegeta mumbled, "to weave the uh..." His forehead was startling to prickle, and he jerked the wreath off suddenly, hot wax burning his fingers. "Just shut up and eat your damn dinner."
Kurama growled as he glared at Hiei. "You won't talk about it in therapy, but you'll discuss it behind my back with that *bitch*."
"Hey," Hiei frowned, "she's my *mother*."
Vegeta shook his head, catching Hiei's eyes. "She's a fucking bitch, Hiei."
"You are *not* supposed to take sides," Hiei growled at the man.
"No," Kurama said, shaking his head, "no. Thank you so much, Vegeta. Finally someone else sees."
"You'd have to *blind* not to see," Vegeta muttered.
"All right," Hiei glared, opening another bottle of wine. "Let's just get in there and change the subject."
"Fine," Kurama snorted, "Why didn't we just change the subject before *I* was humiliated? That's it, Hiei, we are *getting* a divorce. I've-you know-this is finished." Throwing his hands up, Kurama shoved through the door and went back into the dining room.
Vegeta waved his hands after the redhead and Hiei bared his teeth, throwing the cork opener on the table before stalking after him.
* * *
Santa stood, wavering on his feet as an unhappy man yelled at him. "No get the hell home, Roshi, before we call your wife."
"Honestly," the woman said, her arms folded over her chest. "Roshi...what an example."
The little girl sniffled, turning to her mother. "Santa was mean to me..."
"I'm serious," the man said angrily.
Roshi wobbled, throwing an angrily drunken glare at the door as it was pulled shut. "Yeah," he muttered, "well maybe Santa won't come *back* here next year." Stumbling to the white picket fence, he hung his 'toy' bag over it. "Maybe Santa and the *Easter* Bunny will take a fucking cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your *own* lousy cookies." Unzipping his fly, he sighed as he relieved himself, hot fluid sizzling in the snow next to the fence. "Ah," he sighed, "well, who the hell knows..." Wavering, he gave a pained cry as the sharp little bush next to the fence met right with a tender part. "Ow!"
* * *
Taking a slow drink from his wine glass, Kurama sighed. "We were just thinking about adoption. We lived in the most *wonderful* one bedroom apartment." Botan smiled and Kurama sighed again, staring into his wine glass. "You see, Hiei had never taken any money from his family then. I found that *so* attractive."
"And then what happened?" Botan asked, her eyes shiny.
"Don't encourage him," Mukuro frowned, "no one wants to listen to his misery."
"Hiei was working as an assistant banquet manager at the Sheridan." Smiling as he floated on a light buzz, Kurama gazed upward. "We made love in the morning, because he was, you know-"
Hiei's eyes snapped to the side. "Kurama. Why don't you *eat* something."
Meeting his mate's glare with a wry smile, Kurama sniffed. "Hiei...why don't you eat *me*."
Keiko's eyes widened and her lips tightened. "Kids, go into the den. This is *not* a conversation for children."
Snorting, Mukuro shook her head. "It's not a conversation for *adults*, either."
Vegeta's eyes snapped up when the woman stood. "Where are you going?"
"Into the living room," Mukuro said, "to leave you to your quilting." The man stood, and she stepped around him, not looking back. "I'll be there to open presents. If my plans change, I'll inform you."
"Why don't we all go into the living room," Hiei said quickly, standing up. "Then we can have our coffee and dessert in there."
"-phony bastard!" Kurama cursed, glaring at his cup.
"Kurama," Vegeta growled, "shut up."
Keiko let out a huff and stood, frowning at her family. "Let's all go to the back-"
"Sit down," Vegeta spat, glaring at the woman, "sit."
"*Excuse* me!" Keiko cried, staring at the man in outrage. "But I am *not* one of your patients!"
"You're going to be *somebody's* patient," Vegeta warned, "if you don't get your ass back in that chair."
Yahiko's eyes were huge and he blinked up at Vegeta in awe. "Wow." His mother smacked his chest and he winced, dropping his eyes.
"And I swear," Vegeta sniffed, shaking his head at Keiko. "If you hit that kid one more time, I'm going to stick that pig's head...right up your ass."
Mouth open in shock, Keiko turned to stare at her husband. "Yusuke! Are you going to let him talk to me like that?!"
Botan was staring beside him, but Yusuke managed to keep a straight face. "Well, he *is* a doctor..."
Stepping into the hall for a second Vegeta straightened his tie. "Now, Kurama, Hiei, and I are going to go in the kitchen and get the coffee and dessert, then we're going to open presents."
"We can't open the presents until midnight!" Keiko cried, her eyes wide.
"Why not?" Vegeta asked, blinking down at the woman in an amused way.
"Because it's not *Christmas* until midnight!"
"Well guess what," Vegeta snorted, "we're changing the rules a little. We're going to open the presents now, not later, now. Know why? Because we're adults and we can open the presents-*whenever* we want!" The brown-haired woman flinched, but Vegeta smirked when Yahiko let out a muffled laugh. Hiei shook his head and made for the kitchen, but Vegeta had to pull Kurama out of his chair.
They just got out of the room when Mukuro's voice called from the den. "Why isn't my portrait over the fireplace?"
Rushing in the kitchen, Hiei grabbed a cup, glancing back at Kurama. "Have some coffee."
"Go to hell, *mama's* boy." Kurama glared, leaning against the counter.
Vegeta scowled at the wavering redhead, his dark eyes flashing. "Kurama, get a grip."
"Or what?" Kurama smirked, "You're going to shoot me? You think death scares me? You forget," he drawled, pointing a finger at Hiei, who was pouring coffee into a cup with dark eyes, "I've been married to *him* for fifteen years."
"You forget that I have your son upstairs," Vegeta said softly. Kurama's eyes widened slowly and he nodded, waiting until the redhead accepted the coffee with a calmer attitude.
The den was complete with a nice fireplace, and Yusuke sighed as he lifted the portrait up and reclined it in its place of 'honor' over the mantle. "Here we go. How's that," he said to Mukuro, who was watching carefully, "good?"
Keiko was seated on the little love seat and she smiled as she passed out presents. "Botan, and this one's for Yahiko."
Looking over his present, Yahiko's eyes lit up when Kurama came in carrying a lovely dessert. "What's that, Uncle Kurama?"
"It's an orange marsee pancake," Kurama said, his tone much more in control, "with crème de menthe, and lime zest."
"Ugh," Mukuro sighed, her lips curling. "Sounds too sweet."
"Then don't eat it," Kurama spat, dropping the dish, bits of the topping splattering on Yusuke's coat.
Hiei's eye twitched, but he picked up the coffee decanter, glancing at Mukuro. "Coffee?"
"Is it *real* coffee?" Mukuro asked, raising an eyebrow, "or some Scandinavian Christmas potion?"
"How about some music," Vegeta said loudly, his eyes burning down on the short woman from where he stood behind her chair.
Yusuke blinked, glancing at Keiko's pinched face. "How about some Ray Boltz," he said, knowing it was her favorite.
"Oh," Keiko sighed, smiling at him, "Yusuke just *loves* Ray Boltz." Her husband managed a quick smile and she shook her head fondly at him.
"Oh," Kurama muttered from the back of the room, "they know each other *so* well..."
Flipping through the CD's, Vegeta sighed. "Ray Boltz it is."
Yusuke was wiping the cream off his coat, and he'd just licked a bit off his fingers when Keiko sat down beside him. Straightening quickly, he flashed her a smile. "Yusuke," Keiko said, handing him a present. "This is for you."
"Thanks," Yusuke smiled.
"Oh," Keiko said, looking at the next present in her arms. "This one's for Duo." Kurama looked at her from the doorway and she blinked at his dull expression, her eyes moving to find Hiei's back to the redhead. "I'll just put these in a pile."
Mukuro smiled as Botan opened a present and she nodded to the blue-haired girl. "Do you like it, Botan?"
Smiling at her grandmother, Botan held the pink shirt up to her shoulders, not quite wincing at the gaudy white fluff dog's head stitched onto the front. "It's great, grandma, thank you."
"Slipper socks," Keiko murmured, holding up her present with a forced smile. "Oh, I have been wanting a pair of these for so long. Thank you, mother Mukuro. Kids, look what mom got." Turning her head away, she dropped her voice to a dangerous whisper. "You know, with all her money what does she think, she's going to take it with her?"
"I think that's the plan," Yusuke whispered back.
Turning back to the presents, Keiko lifted the next one. "Kurama, this is for you, from Hiei." The redhead didn't look at her, still leaning in the doorway, and Keiko glanced at Hiei. He simply sat across the room, his red eyes on Kurama. "Hiei?" Not getting a response, she frowned at Vegeta, her voice rising. "Should I stop handing out the presents? Maybe some of us are not in the mood."
Vegeta turned from the CD's he'd been flicking through. "Kurama?"
Snorting softly, Mukuro smirked at the man. "You see, Dr. Wong, you can use any treatment you like and it won't do a bit of good. The simple truth is that he's a nasty, selfish man who thinks only of himself." Since she was turned to Vegeta, she didn't notice when Hiei stood and moved to the fireplace on her other side, setting down his cup. "He has ruined my son's life, I can attest to that. Hiei has endured *such* heartache."
"Lady," Kurama said, moving to glare at her. "Why don't you just *sleep* with him, and let us all off the hook."
Vegeta blinked, his voice a soft whisper. "Shit." Botan and Yahiko exchanged wide-eyed looks and the boy giggled.
Arms folded over his chest, Hiei turned dull eyes on his mate. "Kurama, what are you doing? What's the point? You've made your decision."
"What decision?" Mukuro asked, her eyes wary.
"Kurama's leaving me," Hiei said, not blinking when the redhead turned to look at him from the doorway. "We're getting a divorce."
Eyes widening, Yusuke shook his head. "Why?"
Silence reigned and Keiko blinked when Vegeta gave a pointed look to the presents remaining. Her voice hesitant, she handed a present to her husband. "Yusuke, this is for you."
Yahiko stared at his present, his hands slowly lifting the boxer shorts that were at least four sizes too big. "Um, thank you grandma."
"I got you the husky size," Mukuro said sharply, frowning at the boy. "You mustn't let your weight become a problem."
"He doesn't *have* a weight problem," Keiko said tightly, not quite glaring at the woman.
Mukuro had already looked down, and her upper lip curled at the brown wallet she'd received. "Oh. Isn't that nice. Thank you Botan, and Yahiko, and Keiko, and Yusuke."
Moving away from the fireplace, Hiei handed an envelope to his adopted mother. "This is our gift, to put in the bag. It's another payment on the loan."
Smiling at him, Mukuro patted Hiei's hand before tilting her head to look at the envelope. "Thank you, Hiei. Of course, we'll have to see what happens to the interest rates in the new year."
Kurama was sitting on the floor with his back to the wall, knees drawn to his chest, and he snorted at the woman, his voice soft. "Cock sucker."
The children's eyes widened, and Hiei turned to stare at Kurama, his eyes wide as well. But Mukuro blanched, her voice deadly. "What did he say?"
Yusuke's mouth opened. "He said cock-" Keiko shoved him before he could get the rest out and he blinked.
"You've been *sucking* us dry for years on that loan," Kurama muttered.
Vegeta was standing in the doorway and he stared down at the male, his voice soft. "Kurama-"
"No," Kurama said, standing suddenly. "I have something to say. Do you have a problem with that?"
Vegeta stared at him for a second, then shook his head. "No."
"Don't you think it's gone on long enough?" Kurama asked, glaring at Mukuro.
Glaring right back at her son-in-law, Mukuro sneered. "You *both* borrowed money to open that *ridiculous* restaurant-which I told you both would *never* work-"
"Well it *might* have worked," Kurama said, grabbing a hidden pack of cigarettes from the shelf on the wall and pulling one free, "if you had taken your tentacles off him."
Hiei's eyes flashed and he stared across the room. "Kurama, stop it."
Turning in her chair, Mukuro frowned. "If you remember, Kurama, my husband had just died. I was all alone. And I had to have surgery-"
"*Plastic* surgery," Kurama snorted.
"It was *necessary*."
Shaking his head, Kurama waved the unlit cigarette, his voice hard. "It was nothing more than needing to keep your son's attention on you. Manipulating him into opening that store to pay you back the money-"
"You were keeping him destitute," Mukuro spat, "I gave him a *real* job." Vegeta moved to light Kurama's cigarette and she glared at them both. "I let you use *my* home out of the goodness of my heart!"
"You're charging us *rent*, Mukuro!"
Staring at them, Keiko raised her voice. "What kind of therapy *is* this?"
"Come on, you two," Yusuke said slowly, his eyes moving from Kurama to Hiei. "This is getting a little ugly, here-"
"Yes," Kurama laughed, pacing suddenly. "We walk around here on tiptoes because *mother* might get upset, or *mother* might get angry. And why? Let's be honest. Because she has *money*, and she holds it over all of us like a *death* sentence."
Back straightening, Mukuro raised her chin. "I'm happy to give my children *everything*."
"That's the problem!" Kurama cried, leaning against the back of Mukuro's chair. "One son," he said, pointing at Yusuke, "who can't say 'boo' to his wife and the other one-" Hiei was watching him from a chair in the corner, and Kurama glared at his mate's calm expression. "The other one-he just *gives* up. One bad review in one lousy magazine and you just...give up."
Rising slowly, Hiei's eyes narrowed. "Now just a minute," he said slowly, crossing the room. "Stop right there. In the first place it *wasn't* one bad review in one lousy magazine, it was the Restaurant Guidebook of New York. And when the Restaurant *Guidebook* recommends you to Hindus, 'looking for a fun night out of *fasting*,' what do you expect me to do? Change the menu? You close the restaurant."
"No," Kurama said, "*you* close the restaurant. Other people try again! But everything always came so damn easy for you. The first time you tried something that was really important to you-to *us*-and it didn't work out, what did you do? You ran home to *mom*! And then you build this wall around yourself, shutting *me* out, shutting *Duo* out, with your cynicism and your derision. And you call that being *responsible*! Well I can't live like this. I don't care if I end up being a truck-stop waiter with platinum hair and pineapple earrings, at least I'd be *alive*. Better than living with a corpse..."
Kurama turned to lean his elbows on the shelf across from Hiei, his back to the room. Another brief silence passed and Hiei folded his arms again, tighter this time as he stared at his mate. Then he crossed the room to stand a few feet away. "Before you get on with your career in the service industry," he said slowly, his low voice calm, "let's set the record straight. Because I don't want you leaving with any misunderstandings." Kurama turned to glare tiredly and he nodded slowly. "Maybe you're right, maybe I was afraid, maybe I can't take failure. That's probably true. And maybe, it's because the decision was all up to me. It was always *all* up to me. You were so afraid of being wrong you never *made* a choice. At least you made it *look* that way-"
"What does *that* mean?" Kurama asked, his voice as soft as Hiei's.
"If you recall," Hiei said slowly, "my first response to my mother's offer to live here was absolutely not-"
"Lie," Kurama whispered.
"Absolutely not," Hiei repeated, moving closer. "Think about it. We were sitting in our bedroom on Seventy-Eighth street, we were smoking a joint and listening to Al Green and I said absolutely not-"
"I'm sorry," Keiko said, her hand shaking, "but I have had enough." Vegeta shot her a bored look, and Hiei turned slowly to her, his eyes more than irritated. "I have never *heard* of such a Christmas!" she cried, "Sex, and drugs, and women being set on fire-I'm taking my children upstairs and I-"
Moving from the doorway, Vegeta glared at the woman. "Keiko, sit down and shut up. Okay? *Sit* down and shut up!"
Keiko glared at her husband. "Yusuke."
Turning to look at Kurama, Yusuke frowned. "I think this is more important."
"Well," Keiko glared, "I think this is *sick*."
"Keiko," Yusuke sighed, "right now no one really cares what you think."
"Yusuke! You have not defended me *once* this entire evening-"
Vegeta's eyes filmed over a bit as the volume rose, his orders as unheard as they'd been earlier that evening and he caught sight of movement across the room. Hiei sidled to the Christmas tree and looked over the room, fire-poker in hand. "Excuse me," Hiei said quietly. Not heard over the racket, he swung the metal poker into the tree, accentuating each word. "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, *excuse me*!" Wide eyes turned to him and he glared at all of them. "If you don't mind," he growled, "the *corpse* still has the floor."
Stalking back to Kurama, Hiei frowned at him. "I told you what moving here could mean, but *you* were the one who said we should consider it. Not the actual moving, just the *considering*, the actual moving *in part* was left up to me. Why? Because you didn't know what to do, you were confused, you didn't know what was the 'right' thing. But you were sure as hell sick and tired of living in a one bedroom apartment in New York City. So don't give me that, 'it was the best of times' bullshit! You didn't want to work anymore and you didn't want any help with the adoption because you wanted to do it all by yourself, and you *hated* New York! Because we weren't as rich as your college friends were to enjoy it, we couldn't afford a bigger place. And you were *miserable* being around people who could. *And* we were up to our *ears* in debt! But the moving here was *my* decision. Right. And the loan was the same situ-"
"What difference does any of this make, now?" Mukuro smiled, "You're getting a divorce."
Hiei froze, his eyes dropping to the smiling woman. "Mother..."
"What?"
Staring at her, Hiei's voice dropped. "Is it possible for you to shut the fuck up for ten seconds?"
"Hiei! Don't talk to me like that in my own house."
Kurama was staring at him and Hiei's eyes glittered suddenly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas?" he said to Mukuro, "A big wooden cross. So every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."
"Yusuke, get my bags," Mukuro said, her voice soft as she stood suddenly. "I'm leaving."
"Get them yourself," Keiko muttered, glaring at the woman. "He's not your errand boy."
Mukuro's eyes widened and she stared at Keiko in shock. "Has everyone gone insane? Who the hell do you think *you* are?"
"Slipper socks," Keiko smirked, "medium."
Vegeta blinked when Mukuro stormed past him, but he froze when the doorbell rang at almost the same moment. Following the woman, he paused to peak out the window next to the door, his eyes widening in disbelief. "The army?! What the fuck! What am I, Oswald, here?" Mukuro was halfway up the stairs and he grabbed her quickly, gun in one hand, the other over her mouth. The family came into the hall just as an elbow connected with Vegeta's stomach, sending him onto his rump on the stairs.
Yusuke blinked at the man holding his adopted mother, and especially at the gun pressed to Mukuro's temple. "Is this part of the therapy?"
"Okay," Vegeta growled, "everybody into the den, or I'm going to shoot her."
"Go ahead," Keiko sniffed, "shoot her."
"Shut up," Vegeta groaned, "just get in the den."
* * *
It had taken a while to get out of the binds this time, but Duo had managed. It helped that he'd practiced on his own, most recently with Heero. The closet door's lock was a little harder, but a close hanger managed to get that undone. Sneaking into the bedroom, Duo paused in the door to the upstairs hall, his eyes widening at the familiar voice below him.
"I'm Heero Yuy, from the academy," the young cadet said, his cap in one hand. He didn't really know what to think of Hiei and Kurama, but he kept his expression calm and sober.
"Is this about Duo?" Kurama asked, "Is there some trouble?"
"Yes," Heero admitted, "and I couldn't with very good conscience let it wait any longer. Duo is a very clever and enterprising young man..."
From the den, Vegeta was listening through a cracked door, but his attention was diverted by Keiko's murmuring. Yahiko was winding tape around the woman's mouth, and it looked like he had over twenty layers done so far. Eyes widening, Vegeta hissed at him. "Kid, that's enough!"
"Are you sure this will hold?" Yahiko asked, blinking at his mother in uncertainty. Keiko glared back, not the least bit amused.
"Yeah," Vegeta smirked, shaking his head.
"I *knew* you weren't a doctor," Mukuro said, her mocking gaze raking over the man. "You'll never get away with this, you know. You'll either be captured or killed. One less worthless man around, one less burden to society."
Turning his head to stare at the woman, Vegeta snorted. "Unfucking believable..."
"I've survived worse than you," Mukuro smirked, not pausing when Kurama and Hiei came into the den, "World Wars, old age, marriage, and *weak* men like you. Men who don't have the *guts* to survive in the real world. Men who are just scared little boys, who run around intimidating everyone with their aggressiveness because they're afraid the world will find out how small their penises are."
Vegeta glanced at Kurama and Hiei's solemn expressions and shook his head, sitting in the love seat across from Mukuro. "You know lady," he said to the bound woman, "I'd like to tie you to the back of a fucking truck."
Mukuro sniffed. "You don't have the balls."
Hiei lunged forward, barely catching Vegeta and just managing to hold the man back from attacking the woman. "No!"
"I swear to God!" Vegeta growled.
"It's not worth it," Hiei said quickly, pushing the man back as Vegeta tried to plow through him.
"I fucking hate her, Hiei!"
"I know," Hiei said, his voice calming to the irate man, "I know. Botan? Gag your grandmother." The blue-haired girl hurried over with a spindle of red ribbon and quickly gagged the woman.
Staring at Mukuro, Vegeta shook his head in disgust. "What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient...I've known loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband isn't dead, lady, he's hiding." A thump sounded overhead and he looked at Hiei, turning toward the doorway. "Let's go."
A glance into the master bedroom found the closet door open and Vegeta cursed, leading the way to Duo's room. The boy was sitting on the chest, an open briefcase of money in front of him. Vegeta blinked. "Wow."
Looking at Hiei, Duo frowned. "Is Heero still here?"
"No."
Duo shook his head, tossing another wad of money into the case. "What are you going to do, Hiei, turn me in?"
"May I ask you just one question?" Hiei murmured, red eye dark. "Is there something that we don't give you? What do you need all that money for? Drugs?!"
"No!" Duo cried, glaring at the case.
"What, then?!" Hiei growled, shoving the CD's off the dresser.
"Stop it," Kurama shouted, "just *stop* it!"
"That's it," Duo muttered, "I'm out of here. Vegeta, I'm going with you."
The black-haired man blinked. "What?"
"I'll give you a cut of the money," Duo said, "we can make it to the docks on foot. We'll take the path through the woods-"
"Slow down," Vegeta said, his eyes wide. "What are you thinking?"
"You *have* to take me with you," Duo cried, his violet eyes wide. "I don't have any other option! I can't stay *here*-"
"What am I," Vegeta growled, "a fucking circus? Take you with me?"
"Come on," Duo pleaded.
"No, forget it. Forget it. Don't start running, kid. Once you start, you never stop, believe me."
Duo stared for a second before turning sharply and grabbing the case. "Fine. I'll just go by myself, then..."
Kurama turned wide eyes on Hiei, but the shorter male didn't move, leaning in the doorway with a dark scowl. Duo stood and Kurama hurried to stop him. "Duo, don't..." His son's hurt gaze tore at him and he struggled to find something to say. "Give us another chance-we...Duo...we screwed up," he said finally, his green eyes very bright, "not you." The doorbell rang below and Kurama let out an exasperated sigh, which was answered by Vegeta. The black-haired thief muttered a curse before both he and Hiei moved into the hall. Kurama looked back to Duo with pleading eyes. "Look," he said quickly, noting Duo's doubtful expression, "I promise you we'll take care of this, we'll fix everything. No matter what happens between me and your father, we-"
"You're splitting up?" Duo asked, a dark shadow passing over his eyes.
"That's not your problem," Kurama assured him, shaking his head.
"Hey," Duo spat, his eyes sparking, "I'm in this family, too, you know. Every time you guys yell and scream at each other, it *is* my problem!"
Vegeta glanced in the doorway, a scowl spread over his face. "Kurama, let's go."
Turning, Kurama raised a hand, his eyes sparking. "One second," he said sharply before putting his back to the door. "Okay," he said, his voice dropping. "A lot's happened between me and Hiei, we've made...a lot of mistakes. You got caught in the middle..."
Duo gripped his case tighter, staring at Kurama's pleading expression. His voice was just as soft. "Do you hate each other?"
"No," Kurama murmured, shaking his head, "No."
"Then you're staying together," Duo prodded. Kurama's mouth opened, but he was interrupted as Vegeta and Hiei stalked to the door again.
"Kurama," Vegeta called, impatience and worry tinting his voice, "let's go!" The redhead glanced at him and he waved a hand toward the hall.
His son was watching him and Kurama touched his hands, squeezing them. "We'll talk about this later," he said quickly, "just...stay here, please. We'll be back soon."
"What about Heero?" Duo asked, his eyes wide as he took a step after Kurama.
Hesitating in the doorway, Kurama shook his head. "We'll fix it, Duo. We'll give him the money, the photos, anything. We won't make you marry him if you don't want to, I promise, just stay there." Vegeta and Hiei waved at him and Kurama hurried down the hall.
Left alone, Duo blinked for a second before his mouth fell open. "Marry...him...?"
The three adults bolted down the stairs in a straight line, with Vegeta following, gun in hand, just in case. Their aim was for the door directly across from the stairway, but they froze when a loud voice called from the dining room.
"Hey!" Santa stood, picking food from the laden table, but he wavered and dropped his eyes for a moment. "You know something, Hiei, Kurama..."
Hiei stared for a second in complete bafflement as to the drunken neighbor standing in his house, but his eyes sparked when he realized Vegeta's gun was in plain sight. Kurama caught his gaze and turned also, waving a hand at the thief who promptly stiffened and hid the weapon behind his back. Across from them, Roshi continued drunkenly.
"...every year," Roshi muttered, not noticing the confused looks Hiei and Kurama were exchanging, "we give you...a fruit cake for Christmas. And you don't give us a God damned thing. Now Kaoru thinks it's because..." He'd turned to look at them, and he shut up suddenly, blinking at Vegeta. "Hey," he slurred, turning to look at the man with wide eyes. "You had a gun, didn't you." Vegeta blinked and pointed at himself in seeming innocence. Turning, Hiei and Kurama shook their heads but Roshi nodded. "Yes, you did, you had a gun, I saw it." He blinked owlishly then straightened. "Hey," he said suddenly, pointing a finger at Vegeta, "you're the guy. You're the guy, aren't you."
"Okay," Vegeta warned, pulling his gun from behind his back and aiming it at the man, "now just-"
"What are you pulling a gun on *me*?" Roshi cried, his eyes widening in anger as he pulled the cotton-tipped hat off his head. "I'm not afraid of you!"
"Just calm down," Vegeta said, keeping his voice soft, "all right?"
"You think you can take *me*?" Roshi said, pointing at his shoulders, "I'm *Santa Clause*!" Lowering his bald head, Roshi gave a loud cry and barreled toward Vegeta, aiming to ram him.
Vegeta's eyes widened and he met the drunken man's head with his fist, Kurama jumping beside him. The three of them stared down at Roshi, and Vegeta let out a little sigh. "Great," he muttered, turning his gaze on Kurama and Hiei, "I just beat up Santa Clause." Footsteps hurried down the stairs behind them, and Vegeta tensed, Duo's wide eyes not helping any.
"Guys," Duo said quickly, "the cops are here! What are we going to do?"
Hiei peaked out the window beside the door, and his eyes narrowed at the flashing lights as he spotted the units that had pulled up alongside the road. Vegeta was pacing in front of the stairs, and Duo threw up his hands.
"We have to get you out of here," Duo said, frowning when Vegeta growled and shook his head.
"I can't just leave," Vegeta muttered, "I don't know where I'm going."
"Well," Duo managed, "just keep pretending like you're Doctor Wong, and you don't *have* to go-"
"There are five people tied up in the back room," Vegeta reminded him, gritting his teeth, "Come on!"
"Okay, then we can hide you," Duo said quickly, "we can hide you anywhere-"
Shaking his head, Vegeta interrupted. "In a search they come in and they search until they find what they're looking for," he said, "it's a bad idea."
"No," Kurama said, eyes wide, "it's a *good* idea. The mudroom, the trap door in the mudroom, we can put you in there. It'd be perfect-"
"No!" Vegeta said sharply, "no."
"The hope chest," Kurama offered, "we can put you in the hope chest-"
Vegeta shook his head furiously, that idea just as claustrophobically unappealing as the last. "No-"
Kurama continued unchecked, talking far too fast to hear him. "I'll tell them I lost the key and-"
Hiei had still been staring out the window, but he turned suddenly, his eyes sparking with an idea. "The path through the woods." Three sets of eyes turned to him and he nodded sharply. "Duo, quick, take Vegeta to the path through the woods." His son blinked startled eyes on him and he nodded again. "You said you know a shortcut to the docks, right? You're the only one who can take him." Kurama was looking at him with a surprised expression and Hiei glanced to him for a moment, a slow smile curving his lips. "Well," he said to his mate, "what do you want us to do, turn him in?" Hiei turned to look at Duo, his deep voice dropping a bit more. "I can't spend my whole life sending everyone I care about to prison."
With a slow smile, Duo caught Vegeta's arm. "Okay, Hiei. Come on, Vegeta, let's go."
"And be careful," Kurama added.
Vegeta hesitated for a moment, looking at them both, and Hiei moved to push the man. "All right, go! Quit stalling-"
A low moan stopped them all, and their eyes fell to the drunken Santa passed out in the hallway. After a long moment, Hiei and Kurama exchanged a significant look.
* * *
Two officers walked down the steps, the short red-haired one knocking lightly on the door. "State police," Kenshin called.
"They have to be home," the tall one muttered, "with all of these lights and that car in the driveway..." Sanosuke was standing near the window to the side of the door and he glanced in, stiffening suddenly. "Ah, jeeze...we got a live one..." Grabbing his gun, he waved at the men still standing near the police cars. "I need some people to surround this house right now. Saitoh, get your men in here." Kenshin crouched in preparation and they pushed the unlocked door open, guns raised. And both of them came to a stop over the bound and gagged pair sitting at the foot of the stairs.
With socks in their mouths and bungee cords wrapping them together, Kurama and Hiei wriggled in an imitation of struggling as the two officers stared at them in surprise. The tall man finally stepped forward to remove the 'gags,' and Hiei sputtered, trying his damnedest not to laugh. "Thank God, thank God you're here," Hiei said quickly, "You've got to hurry-"
"You've no idea," Kurama said at the same time, raising his voice till it rivaled Hiei's. "The nightmare, we-"
"-he left an hour ago," Hiei continued, "he's got a head start-"
"-ve been through-"
"-between the airport and Hartford," Hiei continued.
The two officers exchanged a long look, Kurama continuing to speak as fast as Hiei, "-the whole night-"
Turning a glare on Kurama, Hiei bared his teeth, "Will you shut up, I'm *trying* to give them important information. He went to an airport in Hartford-"
Kurama blinked for a second before scowling sharply. "Oh," he muttered, rolling his eyes, "I suppose you're the only one who's been tied up all night-"
"I didn't say that," Hiei frowned. "I'm trying to tell them-"
"-I mean, what is this a-"
Eyes nearly bugging out, Sano leaned forward. "Excuse me!" The two males blinked in surprise and he cleared his throat. "Are there any other hostages in the house?"
Kurama and Hiei turned to look at each other for a second before shaking their heads with polite smiles. "No..."
* * *
The Santa boots were a size too big, and Vegeta cursed as he tried to keep up with the lighter clothed Duo. "Jesus, is there no better route than this? With less snow?"
"No," Duo called back, running through the cemetery path, "this is it. This is the best route!"
"This is the best route," Vegeta muttered.
"We'll be there in no time," Duo encouraged, glancing back. "Come on!"
"Well," Vegeta panted, "I might need a wheelchair, I'm telling you, kid..."
* * *
Standing near Kurama, Hiei twisted his wrists as he and his mate tried to undo the bindings, his red eyes locked on the tall spiky haired cop. "I distinctly heard him say he was headed to a small airport in Hartford, and from there he was taking a private plane to Vancouver-"
"No," Kurama interrupted helpfully, also twisting his wrists, "that's not-"
A third officer came in behind the first two, Kenshin and Sanosuke glancing back at Saitoh's frown and soft whisper. "What's going on?"
Blinking dazedly, Kenshin nodded. "We're working on it..."
"He was on the phone," Kurama argued, "and he said Yugoslavia-"
"There is no Yugoslavia anymore," Hiei spat, rolling his eyes. "Who in there right mind would go-"
"He's not *in* his right mind!" Kurama railed.
"All right!" Sanosuke cried, huffing a quick breath when Kurama and Hiei blinked at him in surprise.
Pulling the last of the cords off his and Kurama's wrist, Hiei tilted his head and looked at the cop. "Sorry. Would you like us to come downtown and give our statements?"
All three officers threw their hands out, with similar expressions, "No!"
Hiei blinked, his expression seemingly innocent. "Because we'd be willing to do that if-"
"No," the officers repeated, each mumbling a quick negative response. "That's quite all right, that won't be necessary, thanks so much, thank you very much, have a Merry Christmas, *Merry* Christmas." Backing up as a unit, they were almost out of the door before the last word was uttered.
"Oh," Hiei said, "if you're sure."
"Thank you," Kurama said at the same time, noting that they moved faster out the door, "Have a Merry Christmas."
* * *
Stumbling up the bank and onto the road, Duo pointed a finger toward the sign just visible in the lamp light. Vegeta paused beside him. "The docks are just down the street," Duo said, not noticing the cop car that turned onto the road behind them, "on your left-" Two little 'blurps' from the cop car caught his attention, and the boy closed his mouth as the car slowed alongside them, Kuwabara leaning out the window to holler at them.
"Curfew," the orange-haired officer called, "go home! Get off the streets." The car continued, just as the man's voice reached them. "Go home, Roshi, I mean it!"
Vegeta turned wide disbelieving eyes on him and Duo sighed. "I guess I have to be getting home now," Duo muttered.
Snorting, Vegeta gave the kid a nod. "Good idea."
Duo smiled and turned to go back down the bank of snow, pausing as his foot touched it. "You know," he murmured, tilting his head, "I think things are going to be different with Hiei." Vegeta raised an eyebrow under the white Santa hat, and Duo smirked. "If not, then I'll show Kurama how to 'blackmail' him. See you, Vegeta."
With a wave, Vegeta watched until the braided boy disappeared into the woods lining the road, then he snorted and shook his head. "Christ," he muttered, "I am *never* having kids..." Hefting the bag over his shoulder, Vegeta turned and ran lightly down the road, toward the docks.
* * *
The stairs were softer than Hiei remembered, and he leaned toward Kurama, taking a sip out of the wine glass his red-haired mate was holding. "Well," he said slowly, "you think we should go untie everybody?"
"No," Kurama said decisively, his green eyes sparkling. "We should unwrap them in the morning. It'd be more *festive*." His dark-haired husband smirked and Kurama sat up, leaning on his knees. "So what about Duo?"
Frowning, Hiei sighed against the stairs. "Well, Yuy said if we give him back the pictures and the money he won't press his case. But I think that makes a good dowry." Green eyes snapped to him and he smirked, shaking his head. "It's up to Duo, I won't force him into anything."
"Actually," Kurama admitted, his expression going solemn, "I meant about us. What do we tell Duo about *us*?" Hiei stared at him for a moment, a small smile turning his lips and Kurama returned it, pulling his slender husband close. Their eyes sparked and they moved forward, lips pressing in a kiss.
"Um, sorry," Yahiko interrupted, blinking bashfully when the two frowned at him, "but Grandma Mukuro's eating through her gag..."
* * *
The little boat was still lit with festive lights, and Vegeta scowled as he ducked his way through it, keeping a good distance between himself and Krillin's overfriendly acquaintance. The black-haired man was a little *too* eager to make friends. Krillin smiled as he moved aside to let his partner at the wheel and Vegeta's eye twitched. "You know something," Vegeta muttered, pushing the small man to the side, "you are a piece of work. I tell you to steal a boat and this is what you get? Get out of the fucking way."
Stepping back, Krillin tilted his head as Vegeta steered. "Vegeta?"
"What?" Vegeta muttered, not bothering to look at Krillin.
"When are we going to open presents?"
"Presents?" Vegeta spat, guiding the boat away from the docks. "Presents. Is that what you said, presents? I tell you what, as soon as we get back we're going to open presents. As a matter of fact, I'll tell you, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking cannon, 'kay? And when we get back, you're going to crawl into it, okay? I'm going to put two pounds of gunpowder in there, and I'm going to light it up, and shoot you right out to Jersey-okay?! And then I'm going to steal a car, and drive to Jersey, and pick up all the little fucking pieces of your body, put them in a big plastic bag, bring them back to my house, put them on the fireplace, light them on *fire*! I'm going to sit there with my glass of whiskey watching the Charlie Brown special with your fucking ashes heating *my* house! Argh!"
Silence reigned for nearly five seconds before Krillin spoke tentatively, "Vegeta...?"
"What?" Vegeta sighed, completely worn.
"What's that smell?"
"Shut up."
--Owari--
Author's Notes: This fic is based on the movie 'The Ref,' and the dialogue was taken almost verbatim from that movie. I did this for Christmas, and I think it turned out very nicely. I didn't want this cut up, but it was too long to post otherwise.
Category: Anime, Yu Yu Hakusho, Dragonball Z, Gundam Wing, Rurouni Kenshin, possible others, Yaoi, AU-fusion with a movie
Warnings: extremely foul language (done for humor), multiple character bashings (don't take them personally, it's for fun), guaranteed OOC (out of character - again it was done for humor), humor (of course), shonen ai
Pairings: mostly KuramaxHiei, 1x2, and hints of others
Author: Arigatomina
Email: arigatoumina@hotmail.com
Website/Complete Archive: http://www.geocities.com/arigatomina
The Ref: Anime Style
Act 4
Officers swarmed through a nicely decorated house, their radios buzzing from the other places that were being checked. In the living room, one officer was smiling at a little boy. "Well," he said cheerfully, "at least I got a chance to see Santa while I was here."
"Ho, ho," Roshi laughed, a wine glass in his white-gloved hand. "And Santa would like to toast you all, for answering the call of duty, on this holiest of nights. Everybody, grab a glass!" he cried, not noticing that everyone already had one. "You two," he said, waving at a man and woman at the gathering, "grab a glass." The man and woman blinked down at the their wine glasses and exchanged a significant look.
The little boy frowned up at Roshi, his brows drawn. "Santa doesn't drink champagne," he said, "Santa drinks milk."
Roshi's back straightened as if shot and he rounded on the child, his alcohol-fogged eyes beady and bright. "Santa can't drink anymore milk tonight," he said, his voice low as he bent over the boy, "Santa has a lactose intolerance. It gives him horrible gas pains. You want to see Santa *farting* down everyone's chimney?!" The two children next to the fireplace jumped and Roshi straightened with a wide smile. "Merry Christmas!" he called, draining his glass as the adults echoed the wish.
* * *
"What we're having," Kurama explained, "is a traditional Scandinavian Christmas feast. We have suckling pig, fresh baked cream ores with a honey pink sauce, seven day old loot fish, and lamb gukens." He was standing next to his chair, and he directed the family's attention to the candle-lit wreaths they all wore. "What you're wearing on your heads are called Lucia wreaths, worn in honor of Saint Lucia, a brave and noble woman I admire very much. Her beliefs were so strong, they rendered her inflammable." Vegeta was watching him with an odd expression, and Kurama looked away, his chin lifting.
"As the story goes," Kurama continued, "Lucia was engaged to be married, and instead of giving her dowry to her in-laws, she gave it to the poor people of the village. Her husband to be," Kurama drawled, his eyes glinting off Hiei for just a second, "thinking her to be out of her mind, betrayed her to the Romans as a Christian. And they condemned her to be burned at the stake. But although she was surrounded by flames, she would not burn. And they had to stab her with a sword-"
"My God," Keiko said, her eyes wide. "Is this a *Christmas* story?"
"Who cares?" Mukuro muttered, grabbing the wreath she wore, "My forehead is blistering."
Yahiko smiled widely, nodding so that the flickering candles on his head waved. "I think it's a great story, Uncle Kurama."
"Thank you," Kurama smiled. "Okay, dig in everybody. Don't be shy."
Catching his mate's eye, Hiei gave a smile, his voice pitched to be heard around the table. "Everything looks great," he said.
Kurama returned the smile, his own green eyes glinting. "Thank you, sweetheart."
Looking at Vegeta, Mukuro leaned a bit closer to the table. "From what school are you trained, Dr. Wong. Freud?"
"No," Vegeta sniffed, taking a bite of his food. "Don't care for talking about that dream stuff."
Keiko blinked, leaning forward to see around Yahiko. "You don't think patients should examine their dreams?"
"Well," Vegeta said, his eyes moving around in sudden wariness. "I just don't think they should bother other people with them. I mean, what kind of loser actually thinks other people are interested?"
Hiei's eyes sparked and he turned them slowly, his gaze falling to rest on Kurama's pinched face. The green-eyed male frowned back at him.
Adjusting her collar, Mukuro tilted her head to peruse Vegeta. "You must have dealt with many strange and disturbed people, Dr. Wong."
"My line of work," Vegeta nodded, "you meat a lot of wackos."
Choking, Keiko's eyes flew to the man in shock. "You call your patients wackos?!"
"Yeah," Vegeta said slowly, blinking at the woman. "They like it."
"Well," Mukuro drawled, "it seems like the treatment is working. I've never *seen* these two so agreeable together-what the *hell* am I eating?"
Kurama blinked, his eyes falling to the little piece of food on Mukuro's fork. "Oh, that's a cream ore, they date back to the fourth century."
Grimacing, Mukuro put the fork down. "That's what it looks like." With a sigh, she looked around, her frown falling to rest on Kurama. "Where's your son?"
Hiei's eyes snapped to the woman and he caught her attention quickly. "He's spending the night at a friend's house."
"On Christmas eve?" Keiko asked, staring at him in disapproval.
"I think it's very strange," Mukuro commented.
Kurama and Hiei exchanged looks, not sure what to say, and Vegeta spoke up quickly. "Actually," he said, "that was my idea. Because when one is...constructing highways of communication...between two people, it's a good idea to clear the road and...slowly introduce exit lanes."
Eyes narrowed, Keiko frowned at the man suspiciously. "I could swear I heard something very similar to that on Oprah, last week."
"I assume," Mukuro said to Vegeta, her lips curved in a small smile, "that as you've built 'highways' of communication, you have discussed Kurama's adultery."
Kurama choked on his food, wide green eyes flying to Hiei in disbelief. "What? You told you *mother*?!" His mate didn't look up and Kurama stared in welling hurt.
Vegeta's gaze moved to Mukuro as the woman continued. "And why not?" she said, looking at Kurama. "He was very upset, and he needed someone he could *trust* to talk to. Tell me something," she asked Vegeta, "in your professional opinion, should these two be married?"
Hiei's eyes sparked dangerously, but he kept his voice to a light disapproving tone. "Mother-"
His cup was empty, and Kurama filled it with wine before standing and turning from the table. He only got a foot away before Vegeta's voice stopped him. "Kurama," Vegeta called, his eyes dark with warning. With a deep breath, Kurama glared back at the man and took his seat again.
"Is that part of the treatment?" Keiko asked, her tone curiously amused, "He can't leave?"
"Yes," Kurama said sweetly, still glaring at Vegeta. "Why don't you tell us all about your treatment, in detail. It would be *so* fascinating."
"Well," Vegeta said slowly, his gaze moving to find every eye at the table on him. "It's a complex...web of...complications...which need to be weaved and...uh...woven into a...quilt...of some kind. Heh. It's a really expensive treatment," he said, shaking his head at Hiei, "it costs a hell of a lot of money, I can tell you that much."
Hiei couldn't help but notice how much wine Kurama was drinking and he leaned toward his mate, a sickly sweet smile curving his lips. "Mm, these lamb cuzens are great, Kurama."
"They're *gukens*," Kurama said sharply, glaring at Hiei, "not *cuzens*, honey."
Mukuro looked from Kurama to Hiei, then smirked at Vegeta. "Where I was born, Dr. Wong, marriage was less complicated. My marriage was arranged, in fact. My husband lived in the next town, and our parents wanted to join farms."
Lips twitching, Vegeta forced a slight smile for the woman. "What kind of farms?"
"Pigs!" Kurama spat, his eyes sparkling emerald in the candlelit room.
Everyone blinked and Hiei cleared his throat. "Kurama, could I have the wine?"
"It's all finished," Kurama smirked, "we'll have to get another bottle." Standing, he made his way into the kitchen, and Hiei followed quickly, sending a significant look to Vegeta. Pushing his chair back, Vegeta hurried after them, Mukuro's voice making him pause in the doorway.
"Where are you all going?" Mukuro frowned.
"I have to go with them," Vegeta mumbled, "to weave the uh..." His forehead was startling to prickle, and he jerked the wreath off suddenly, hot wax burning his fingers. "Just shut up and eat your damn dinner."
Kurama growled as he glared at Hiei. "You won't talk about it in therapy, but you'll discuss it behind my back with that *bitch*."
"Hey," Hiei frowned, "she's my *mother*."
Vegeta shook his head, catching Hiei's eyes. "She's a fucking bitch, Hiei."
"You are *not* supposed to take sides," Hiei growled at the man.
"No," Kurama said, shaking his head, "no. Thank you so much, Vegeta. Finally someone else sees."
"You'd have to *blind* not to see," Vegeta muttered.
"All right," Hiei glared, opening another bottle of wine. "Let's just get in there and change the subject."
"Fine," Kurama snorted, "Why didn't we just change the subject before *I* was humiliated? That's it, Hiei, we are *getting* a divorce. I've-you know-this is finished." Throwing his hands up, Kurama shoved through the door and went back into the dining room.
Vegeta waved his hands after the redhead and Hiei bared his teeth, throwing the cork opener on the table before stalking after him.
* * *
Santa stood, wavering on his feet as an unhappy man yelled at him. "No get the hell home, Roshi, before we call your wife."
"Honestly," the woman said, her arms folded over her chest. "Roshi...what an example."
The little girl sniffled, turning to her mother. "Santa was mean to me..."
"I'm serious," the man said angrily.
Roshi wobbled, throwing an angrily drunken glare at the door as it was pulled shut. "Yeah," he muttered, "well maybe Santa won't come *back* here next year." Stumbling to the white picket fence, he hung his 'toy' bag over it. "Maybe Santa and the *Easter* Bunny will take a fucking cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your *own* lousy cookies." Unzipping his fly, he sighed as he relieved himself, hot fluid sizzling in the snow next to the fence. "Ah," he sighed, "well, who the hell knows..." Wavering, he gave a pained cry as the sharp little bush next to the fence met right with a tender part. "Ow!"
* * *
Taking a slow drink from his wine glass, Kurama sighed. "We were just thinking about adoption. We lived in the most *wonderful* one bedroom apartment." Botan smiled and Kurama sighed again, staring into his wine glass. "You see, Hiei had never taken any money from his family then. I found that *so* attractive."
"And then what happened?" Botan asked, her eyes shiny.
"Don't encourage him," Mukuro frowned, "no one wants to listen to his misery."
"Hiei was working as an assistant banquet manager at the Sheridan." Smiling as he floated on a light buzz, Kurama gazed upward. "We made love in the morning, because he was, you know-"
Hiei's eyes snapped to the side. "Kurama. Why don't you *eat* something."
Meeting his mate's glare with a wry smile, Kurama sniffed. "Hiei...why don't you eat *me*."
Keiko's eyes widened and her lips tightened. "Kids, go into the den. This is *not* a conversation for children."
Snorting, Mukuro shook her head. "It's not a conversation for *adults*, either."
Vegeta's eyes snapped up when the woman stood. "Where are you going?"
"Into the living room," Mukuro said, "to leave you to your quilting." The man stood, and she stepped around him, not looking back. "I'll be there to open presents. If my plans change, I'll inform you."
"Why don't we all go into the living room," Hiei said quickly, standing up. "Then we can have our coffee and dessert in there."
"-phony bastard!" Kurama cursed, glaring at his cup.
"Kurama," Vegeta growled, "shut up."
Keiko let out a huff and stood, frowning at her family. "Let's all go to the back-"
"Sit down," Vegeta spat, glaring at the woman, "sit."
"*Excuse* me!" Keiko cried, staring at the man in outrage. "But I am *not* one of your patients!"
"You're going to be *somebody's* patient," Vegeta warned, "if you don't get your ass back in that chair."
Yahiko's eyes were huge and he blinked up at Vegeta in awe. "Wow." His mother smacked his chest and he winced, dropping his eyes.
"And I swear," Vegeta sniffed, shaking his head at Keiko. "If you hit that kid one more time, I'm going to stick that pig's head...right up your ass."
Mouth open in shock, Keiko turned to stare at her husband. "Yusuke! Are you going to let him talk to me like that?!"
Botan was staring beside him, but Yusuke managed to keep a straight face. "Well, he *is* a doctor..."
Stepping into the hall for a second Vegeta straightened his tie. "Now, Kurama, Hiei, and I are going to go in the kitchen and get the coffee and dessert, then we're going to open presents."
"We can't open the presents until midnight!" Keiko cried, her eyes wide.
"Why not?" Vegeta asked, blinking down at the woman in an amused way.
"Because it's not *Christmas* until midnight!"
"Well guess what," Vegeta snorted, "we're changing the rules a little. We're going to open the presents now, not later, now. Know why? Because we're adults and we can open the presents-*whenever* we want!" The brown-haired woman flinched, but Vegeta smirked when Yahiko let out a muffled laugh. Hiei shook his head and made for the kitchen, but Vegeta had to pull Kurama out of his chair.
They just got out of the room when Mukuro's voice called from the den. "Why isn't my portrait over the fireplace?"
Rushing in the kitchen, Hiei grabbed a cup, glancing back at Kurama. "Have some coffee."
"Go to hell, *mama's* boy." Kurama glared, leaning against the counter.
Vegeta scowled at the wavering redhead, his dark eyes flashing. "Kurama, get a grip."
"Or what?" Kurama smirked, "You're going to shoot me? You think death scares me? You forget," he drawled, pointing a finger at Hiei, who was pouring coffee into a cup with dark eyes, "I've been married to *him* for fifteen years."
"You forget that I have your son upstairs," Vegeta said softly. Kurama's eyes widened slowly and he nodded, waiting until the redhead accepted the coffee with a calmer attitude.
The den was complete with a nice fireplace, and Yusuke sighed as he lifted the portrait up and reclined it in its place of 'honor' over the mantle. "Here we go. How's that," he said to Mukuro, who was watching carefully, "good?"
Keiko was seated on the little love seat and she smiled as she passed out presents. "Botan, and this one's for Yahiko."
Looking over his present, Yahiko's eyes lit up when Kurama came in carrying a lovely dessert. "What's that, Uncle Kurama?"
"It's an orange marsee pancake," Kurama said, his tone much more in control, "with crème de menthe, and lime zest."
"Ugh," Mukuro sighed, her lips curling. "Sounds too sweet."
"Then don't eat it," Kurama spat, dropping the dish, bits of the topping splattering on Yusuke's coat.
Hiei's eye twitched, but he picked up the coffee decanter, glancing at Mukuro. "Coffee?"
"Is it *real* coffee?" Mukuro asked, raising an eyebrow, "or some Scandinavian Christmas potion?"
"How about some music," Vegeta said loudly, his eyes burning down on the short woman from where he stood behind her chair.
Yusuke blinked, glancing at Keiko's pinched face. "How about some Ray Boltz," he said, knowing it was her favorite.
"Oh," Keiko sighed, smiling at him, "Yusuke just *loves* Ray Boltz." Her husband managed a quick smile and she shook her head fondly at him.
"Oh," Kurama muttered from the back of the room, "they know each other *so* well..."
Flipping through the CD's, Vegeta sighed. "Ray Boltz it is."
Yusuke was wiping the cream off his coat, and he'd just licked a bit off his fingers when Keiko sat down beside him. Straightening quickly, he flashed her a smile. "Yusuke," Keiko said, handing him a present. "This is for you."
"Thanks," Yusuke smiled.
"Oh," Keiko said, looking at the next present in her arms. "This one's for Duo." Kurama looked at her from the doorway and she blinked at his dull expression, her eyes moving to find Hiei's back to the redhead. "I'll just put these in a pile."
Mukuro smiled as Botan opened a present and she nodded to the blue-haired girl. "Do you like it, Botan?"
Smiling at her grandmother, Botan held the pink shirt up to her shoulders, not quite wincing at the gaudy white fluff dog's head stitched onto the front. "It's great, grandma, thank you."
"Slipper socks," Keiko murmured, holding up her present with a forced smile. "Oh, I have been wanting a pair of these for so long. Thank you, mother Mukuro. Kids, look what mom got." Turning her head away, she dropped her voice to a dangerous whisper. "You know, with all her money what does she think, she's going to take it with her?"
"I think that's the plan," Yusuke whispered back.
Turning back to the presents, Keiko lifted the next one. "Kurama, this is for you, from Hiei." The redhead didn't look at her, still leaning in the doorway, and Keiko glanced at Hiei. He simply sat across the room, his red eyes on Kurama. "Hiei?" Not getting a response, she frowned at Vegeta, her voice rising. "Should I stop handing out the presents? Maybe some of us are not in the mood."
Vegeta turned from the CD's he'd been flicking through. "Kurama?"
Snorting softly, Mukuro smirked at the man. "You see, Dr. Wong, you can use any treatment you like and it won't do a bit of good. The simple truth is that he's a nasty, selfish man who thinks only of himself." Since she was turned to Vegeta, she didn't notice when Hiei stood and moved to the fireplace on her other side, setting down his cup. "He has ruined my son's life, I can attest to that. Hiei has endured *such* heartache."
"Lady," Kurama said, moving to glare at her. "Why don't you just *sleep* with him, and let us all off the hook."
Vegeta blinked, his voice a soft whisper. "Shit." Botan and Yahiko exchanged wide-eyed looks and the boy giggled.
Arms folded over his chest, Hiei turned dull eyes on his mate. "Kurama, what are you doing? What's the point? You've made your decision."
"What decision?" Mukuro asked, her eyes wary.
"Kurama's leaving me," Hiei said, not blinking when the redhead turned to look at him from the doorway. "We're getting a divorce."
Eyes widening, Yusuke shook his head. "Why?"
Silence reigned and Keiko blinked when Vegeta gave a pointed look to the presents remaining. Her voice hesitant, she handed a present to her husband. "Yusuke, this is for you."
Yahiko stared at his present, his hands slowly lifting the boxer shorts that were at least four sizes too big. "Um, thank you grandma."
"I got you the husky size," Mukuro said sharply, frowning at the boy. "You mustn't let your weight become a problem."
"He doesn't *have* a weight problem," Keiko said tightly, not quite glaring at the woman.
Mukuro had already looked down, and her upper lip curled at the brown wallet she'd received. "Oh. Isn't that nice. Thank you Botan, and Yahiko, and Keiko, and Yusuke."
Moving away from the fireplace, Hiei handed an envelope to his adopted mother. "This is our gift, to put in the bag. It's another payment on the loan."
Smiling at him, Mukuro patted Hiei's hand before tilting her head to look at the envelope. "Thank you, Hiei. Of course, we'll have to see what happens to the interest rates in the new year."
Kurama was sitting on the floor with his back to the wall, knees drawn to his chest, and he snorted at the woman, his voice soft. "Cock sucker."
The children's eyes widened, and Hiei turned to stare at Kurama, his eyes wide as well. But Mukuro blanched, her voice deadly. "What did he say?"
Yusuke's mouth opened. "He said cock-" Keiko shoved him before he could get the rest out and he blinked.
"You've been *sucking* us dry for years on that loan," Kurama muttered.
Vegeta was standing in the doorway and he stared down at the male, his voice soft. "Kurama-"
"No," Kurama said, standing suddenly. "I have something to say. Do you have a problem with that?"
Vegeta stared at him for a second, then shook his head. "No."
"Don't you think it's gone on long enough?" Kurama asked, glaring at Mukuro.
Glaring right back at her son-in-law, Mukuro sneered. "You *both* borrowed money to open that *ridiculous* restaurant-which I told you both would *never* work-"
"Well it *might* have worked," Kurama said, grabbing a hidden pack of cigarettes from the shelf on the wall and pulling one free, "if you had taken your tentacles off him."
Hiei's eyes flashed and he stared across the room. "Kurama, stop it."
Turning in her chair, Mukuro frowned. "If you remember, Kurama, my husband had just died. I was all alone. And I had to have surgery-"
"*Plastic* surgery," Kurama snorted.
"It was *necessary*."
Shaking his head, Kurama waved the unlit cigarette, his voice hard. "It was nothing more than needing to keep your son's attention on you. Manipulating him into opening that store to pay you back the money-"
"You were keeping him destitute," Mukuro spat, "I gave him a *real* job." Vegeta moved to light Kurama's cigarette and she glared at them both. "I let you use *my* home out of the goodness of my heart!"
"You're charging us *rent*, Mukuro!"
Staring at them, Keiko raised her voice. "What kind of therapy *is* this?"
"Come on, you two," Yusuke said slowly, his eyes moving from Kurama to Hiei. "This is getting a little ugly, here-"
"Yes," Kurama laughed, pacing suddenly. "We walk around here on tiptoes because *mother* might get upset, or *mother* might get angry. And why? Let's be honest. Because she has *money*, and she holds it over all of us like a *death* sentence."
Back straightening, Mukuro raised her chin. "I'm happy to give my children *everything*."
"That's the problem!" Kurama cried, leaning against the back of Mukuro's chair. "One son," he said, pointing at Yusuke, "who can't say 'boo' to his wife and the other one-" Hiei was watching him from a chair in the corner, and Kurama glared at his mate's calm expression. "The other one-he just *gives* up. One bad review in one lousy magazine and you just...give up."
Rising slowly, Hiei's eyes narrowed. "Now just a minute," he said slowly, crossing the room. "Stop right there. In the first place it *wasn't* one bad review in one lousy magazine, it was the Restaurant Guidebook of New York. And when the Restaurant *Guidebook* recommends you to Hindus, 'looking for a fun night out of *fasting*,' what do you expect me to do? Change the menu? You close the restaurant."
"No," Kurama said, "*you* close the restaurant. Other people try again! But everything always came so damn easy for you. The first time you tried something that was really important to you-to *us*-and it didn't work out, what did you do? You ran home to *mom*! And then you build this wall around yourself, shutting *me* out, shutting *Duo* out, with your cynicism and your derision. And you call that being *responsible*! Well I can't live like this. I don't care if I end up being a truck-stop waiter with platinum hair and pineapple earrings, at least I'd be *alive*. Better than living with a corpse..."
Kurama turned to lean his elbows on the shelf across from Hiei, his back to the room. Another brief silence passed and Hiei folded his arms again, tighter this time as he stared at his mate. Then he crossed the room to stand a few feet away. "Before you get on with your career in the service industry," he said slowly, his low voice calm, "let's set the record straight. Because I don't want you leaving with any misunderstandings." Kurama turned to glare tiredly and he nodded slowly. "Maybe you're right, maybe I was afraid, maybe I can't take failure. That's probably true. And maybe, it's because the decision was all up to me. It was always *all* up to me. You were so afraid of being wrong you never *made* a choice. At least you made it *look* that way-"
"What does *that* mean?" Kurama asked, his voice as soft as Hiei's.
"If you recall," Hiei said slowly, "my first response to my mother's offer to live here was absolutely not-"
"Lie," Kurama whispered.
"Absolutely not," Hiei repeated, moving closer. "Think about it. We were sitting in our bedroom on Seventy-Eighth street, we were smoking a joint and listening to Al Green and I said absolutely not-"
"I'm sorry," Keiko said, her hand shaking, "but I have had enough." Vegeta shot her a bored look, and Hiei turned slowly to her, his eyes more than irritated. "I have never *heard* of such a Christmas!" she cried, "Sex, and drugs, and women being set on fire-I'm taking my children upstairs and I-"
Moving from the doorway, Vegeta glared at the woman. "Keiko, sit down and shut up. Okay? *Sit* down and shut up!"
Keiko glared at her husband. "Yusuke."
Turning to look at Kurama, Yusuke frowned. "I think this is more important."
"Well," Keiko glared, "I think this is *sick*."
"Keiko," Yusuke sighed, "right now no one really cares what you think."
"Yusuke! You have not defended me *once* this entire evening-"
Vegeta's eyes filmed over a bit as the volume rose, his orders as unheard as they'd been earlier that evening and he caught sight of movement across the room. Hiei sidled to the Christmas tree and looked over the room, fire-poker in hand. "Excuse me," Hiei said quietly. Not heard over the racket, he swung the metal poker into the tree, accentuating each word. "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, *excuse me*!" Wide eyes turned to him and he glared at all of them. "If you don't mind," he growled, "the *corpse* still has the floor."
Stalking back to Kurama, Hiei frowned at him. "I told you what moving here could mean, but *you* were the one who said we should consider it. Not the actual moving, just the *considering*, the actual moving *in part* was left up to me. Why? Because you didn't know what to do, you were confused, you didn't know what was the 'right' thing. But you were sure as hell sick and tired of living in a one bedroom apartment in New York City. So don't give me that, 'it was the best of times' bullshit! You didn't want to work anymore and you didn't want any help with the adoption because you wanted to do it all by yourself, and you *hated* New York! Because we weren't as rich as your college friends were to enjoy it, we couldn't afford a bigger place. And you were *miserable* being around people who could. *And* we were up to our *ears* in debt! But the moving here was *my* decision. Right. And the loan was the same situ-"
"What difference does any of this make, now?" Mukuro smiled, "You're getting a divorce."
Hiei froze, his eyes dropping to the smiling woman. "Mother..."
"What?"
Staring at her, Hiei's voice dropped. "Is it possible for you to shut the fuck up for ten seconds?"
"Hiei! Don't talk to me like that in my own house."
Kurama was staring at him and Hiei's eyes glittered suddenly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas?" he said to Mukuro, "A big wooden cross. So every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."
"Yusuke, get my bags," Mukuro said, her voice soft as she stood suddenly. "I'm leaving."
"Get them yourself," Keiko muttered, glaring at the woman. "He's not your errand boy."
Mukuro's eyes widened and she stared at Keiko in shock. "Has everyone gone insane? Who the hell do you think *you* are?"
"Slipper socks," Keiko smirked, "medium."
Vegeta blinked when Mukuro stormed past him, but he froze when the doorbell rang at almost the same moment. Following the woman, he paused to peak out the window next to the door, his eyes widening in disbelief. "The army?! What the fuck! What am I, Oswald, here?" Mukuro was halfway up the stairs and he grabbed her quickly, gun in one hand, the other over her mouth. The family came into the hall just as an elbow connected with Vegeta's stomach, sending him onto his rump on the stairs.
Yusuke blinked at the man holding his adopted mother, and especially at the gun pressed to Mukuro's temple. "Is this part of the therapy?"
"Okay," Vegeta growled, "everybody into the den, or I'm going to shoot her."
"Go ahead," Keiko sniffed, "shoot her."
"Shut up," Vegeta groaned, "just get in the den."
* * *
It had taken a while to get out of the binds this time, but Duo had managed. It helped that he'd practiced on his own, most recently with Heero. The closet door's lock was a little harder, but a close hanger managed to get that undone. Sneaking into the bedroom, Duo paused in the door to the upstairs hall, his eyes widening at the familiar voice below him.
"I'm Heero Yuy, from the academy," the young cadet said, his cap in one hand. He didn't really know what to think of Hiei and Kurama, but he kept his expression calm and sober.
"Is this about Duo?" Kurama asked, "Is there some trouble?"
"Yes," Heero admitted, "and I couldn't with very good conscience let it wait any longer. Duo is a very clever and enterprising young man..."
From the den, Vegeta was listening through a cracked door, but his attention was diverted by Keiko's murmuring. Yahiko was winding tape around the woman's mouth, and it looked like he had over twenty layers done so far. Eyes widening, Vegeta hissed at him. "Kid, that's enough!"
"Are you sure this will hold?" Yahiko asked, blinking at his mother in uncertainty. Keiko glared back, not the least bit amused.
"Yeah," Vegeta smirked, shaking his head.
"I *knew* you weren't a doctor," Mukuro said, her mocking gaze raking over the man. "You'll never get away with this, you know. You'll either be captured or killed. One less worthless man around, one less burden to society."
Turning his head to stare at the woman, Vegeta snorted. "Unfucking believable..."
"I've survived worse than you," Mukuro smirked, not pausing when Kurama and Hiei came into the den, "World Wars, old age, marriage, and *weak* men like you. Men who don't have the *guts* to survive in the real world. Men who are just scared little boys, who run around intimidating everyone with their aggressiveness because they're afraid the world will find out how small their penises are."
Vegeta glanced at Kurama and Hiei's solemn expressions and shook his head, sitting in the love seat across from Mukuro. "You know lady," he said to the bound woman, "I'd like to tie you to the back of a fucking truck."
Mukuro sniffed. "You don't have the balls."
Hiei lunged forward, barely catching Vegeta and just managing to hold the man back from attacking the woman. "No!"
"I swear to God!" Vegeta growled.
"It's not worth it," Hiei said quickly, pushing the man back as Vegeta tried to plow through him.
"I fucking hate her, Hiei!"
"I know," Hiei said, his voice calming to the irate man, "I know. Botan? Gag your grandmother." The blue-haired girl hurried over with a spindle of red ribbon and quickly gagged the woman.
Staring at Mukuro, Vegeta shook his head in disgust. "What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient...I've known loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband isn't dead, lady, he's hiding." A thump sounded overhead and he looked at Hiei, turning toward the doorway. "Let's go."
A glance into the master bedroom found the closet door open and Vegeta cursed, leading the way to Duo's room. The boy was sitting on the chest, an open briefcase of money in front of him. Vegeta blinked. "Wow."
Looking at Hiei, Duo frowned. "Is Heero still here?"
"No."
Duo shook his head, tossing another wad of money into the case. "What are you going to do, Hiei, turn me in?"
"May I ask you just one question?" Hiei murmured, red eye dark. "Is there something that we don't give you? What do you need all that money for? Drugs?!"
"No!" Duo cried, glaring at the case.
"What, then?!" Hiei growled, shoving the CD's off the dresser.
"Stop it," Kurama shouted, "just *stop* it!"
"That's it," Duo muttered, "I'm out of here. Vegeta, I'm going with you."
The black-haired man blinked. "What?"
"I'll give you a cut of the money," Duo said, "we can make it to the docks on foot. We'll take the path through the woods-"
"Slow down," Vegeta said, his eyes wide. "What are you thinking?"
"You *have* to take me with you," Duo cried, his violet eyes wide. "I don't have any other option! I can't stay *here*-"
"What am I," Vegeta growled, "a fucking circus? Take you with me?"
"Come on," Duo pleaded.
"No, forget it. Forget it. Don't start running, kid. Once you start, you never stop, believe me."
Duo stared for a second before turning sharply and grabbing the case. "Fine. I'll just go by myself, then..."
Kurama turned wide eyes on Hiei, but the shorter male didn't move, leaning in the doorway with a dark scowl. Duo stood and Kurama hurried to stop him. "Duo, don't..." His son's hurt gaze tore at him and he struggled to find something to say. "Give us another chance-we...Duo...we screwed up," he said finally, his green eyes very bright, "not you." The doorbell rang below and Kurama let out an exasperated sigh, which was answered by Vegeta. The black-haired thief muttered a curse before both he and Hiei moved into the hall. Kurama looked back to Duo with pleading eyes. "Look," he said quickly, noting Duo's doubtful expression, "I promise you we'll take care of this, we'll fix everything. No matter what happens between me and your father, we-"
"You're splitting up?" Duo asked, a dark shadow passing over his eyes.
"That's not your problem," Kurama assured him, shaking his head.
"Hey," Duo spat, his eyes sparking, "I'm in this family, too, you know. Every time you guys yell and scream at each other, it *is* my problem!"
Vegeta glanced in the doorway, a scowl spread over his face. "Kurama, let's go."
Turning, Kurama raised a hand, his eyes sparking. "One second," he said sharply before putting his back to the door. "Okay," he said, his voice dropping. "A lot's happened between me and Hiei, we've made...a lot of mistakes. You got caught in the middle..."
Duo gripped his case tighter, staring at Kurama's pleading expression. His voice was just as soft. "Do you hate each other?"
"No," Kurama murmured, shaking his head, "No."
"Then you're staying together," Duo prodded. Kurama's mouth opened, but he was interrupted as Vegeta and Hiei stalked to the door again.
"Kurama," Vegeta called, impatience and worry tinting his voice, "let's go!" The redhead glanced at him and he waved a hand toward the hall.
His son was watching him and Kurama touched his hands, squeezing them. "We'll talk about this later," he said quickly, "just...stay here, please. We'll be back soon."
"What about Heero?" Duo asked, his eyes wide as he took a step after Kurama.
Hesitating in the doorway, Kurama shook his head. "We'll fix it, Duo. We'll give him the money, the photos, anything. We won't make you marry him if you don't want to, I promise, just stay there." Vegeta and Hiei waved at him and Kurama hurried down the hall.
Left alone, Duo blinked for a second before his mouth fell open. "Marry...him...?"
The three adults bolted down the stairs in a straight line, with Vegeta following, gun in hand, just in case. Their aim was for the door directly across from the stairway, but they froze when a loud voice called from the dining room.
"Hey!" Santa stood, picking food from the laden table, but he wavered and dropped his eyes for a moment. "You know something, Hiei, Kurama..."
Hiei stared for a second in complete bafflement as to the drunken neighbor standing in his house, but his eyes sparked when he realized Vegeta's gun was in plain sight. Kurama caught his gaze and turned also, waving a hand at the thief who promptly stiffened and hid the weapon behind his back. Across from them, Roshi continued drunkenly.
"...every year," Roshi muttered, not noticing the confused looks Hiei and Kurama were exchanging, "we give you...a fruit cake for Christmas. And you don't give us a God damned thing. Now Kaoru thinks it's because..." He'd turned to look at them, and he shut up suddenly, blinking at Vegeta. "Hey," he slurred, turning to look at the man with wide eyes. "You had a gun, didn't you." Vegeta blinked and pointed at himself in seeming innocence. Turning, Hiei and Kurama shook their heads but Roshi nodded. "Yes, you did, you had a gun, I saw it." He blinked owlishly then straightened. "Hey," he said suddenly, pointing a finger at Vegeta, "you're the guy. You're the guy, aren't you."
"Okay," Vegeta warned, pulling his gun from behind his back and aiming it at the man, "now just-"
"What are you pulling a gun on *me*?" Roshi cried, his eyes widening in anger as he pulled the cotton-tipped hat off his head. "I'm not afraid of you!"
"Just calm down," Vegeta said, keeping his voice soft, "all right?"
"You think you can take *me*?" Roshi said, pointing at his shoulders, "I'm *Santa Clause*!" Lowering his bald head, Roshi gave a loud cry and barreled toward Vegeta, aiming to ram him.
Vegeta's eyes widened and he met the drunken man's head with his fist, Kurama jumping beside him. The three of them stared down at Roshi, and Vegeta let out a little sigh. "Great," he muttered, turning his gaze on Kurama and Hiei, "I just beat up Santa Clause." Footsteps hurried down the stairs behind them, and Vegeta tensed, Duo's wide eyes not helping any.
"Guys," Duo said quickly, "the cops are here! What are we going to do?"
Hiei peaked out the window beside the door, and his eyes narrowed at the flashing lights as he spotted the units that had pulled up alongside the road. Vegeta was pacing in front of the stairs, and Duo threw up his hands.
"We have to get you out of here," Duo said, frowning when Vegeta growled and shook his head.
"I can't just leave," Vegeta muttered, "I don't know where I'm going."
"Well," Duo managed, "just keep pretending like you're Doctor Wong, and you don't *have* to go-"
"There are five people tied up in the back room," Vegeta reminded him, gritting his teeth, "Come on!"
"Okay, then we can hide you," Duo said quickly, "we can hide you anywhere-"
Shaking his head, Vegeta interrupted. "In a search they come in and they search until they find what they're looking for," he said, "it's a bad idea."
"No," Kurama said, eyes wide, "it's a *good* idea. The mudroom, the trap door in the mudroom, we can put you in there. It'd be perfect-"
"No!" Vegeta said sharply, "no."
"The hope chest," Kurama offered, "we can put you in the hope chest-"
Vegeta shook his head furiously, that idea just as claustrophobically unappealing as the last. "No-"
Kurama continued unchecked, talking far too fast to hear him. "I'll tell them I lost the key and-"
Hiei had still been staring out the window, but he turned suddenly, his eyes sparking with an idea. "The path through the woods." Three sets of eyes turned to him and he nodded sharply. "Duo, quick, take Vegeta to the path through the woods." His son blinked startled eyes on him and he nodded again. "You said you know a shortcut to the docks, right? You're the only one who can take him." Kurama was looking at him with a surprised expression and Hiei glanced to him for a moment, a slow smile curving his lips. "Well," he said to his mate, "what do you want us to do, turn him in?" Hiei turned to look at Duo, his deep voice dropping a bit more. "I can't spend my whole life sending everyone I care about to prison."
With a slow smile, Duo caught Vegeta's arm. "Okay, Hiei. Come on, Vegeta, let's go."
"And be careful," Kurama added.
Vegeta hesitated for a moment, looking at them both, and Hiei moved to push the man. "All right, go! Quit stalling-"
A low moan stopped them all, and their eyes fell to the drunken Santa passed out in the hallway. After a long moment, Hiei and Kurama exchanged a significant look.
* * *
Two officers walked down the steps, the short red-haired one knocking lightly on the door. "State police," Kenshin called.
"They have to be home," the tall one muttered, "with all of these lights and that car in the driveway..." Sanosuke was standing near the window to the side of the door and he glanced in, stiffening suddenly. "Ah, jeeze...we got a live one..." Grabbing his gun, he waved at the men still standing near the police cars. "I need some people to surround this house right now. Saitoh, get your men in here." Kenshin crouched in preparation and they pushed the unlocked door open, guns raised. And both of them came to a stop over the bound and gagged pair sitting at the foot of the stairs.
With socks in their mouths and bungee cords wrapping them together, Kurama and Hiei wriggled in an imitation of struggling as the two officers stared at them in surprise. The tall man finally stepped forward to remove the 'gags,' and Hiei sputtered, trying his damnedest not to laugh. "Thank God, thank God you're here," Hiei said quickly, "You've got to hurry-"
"You've no idea," Kurama said at the same time, raising his voice till it rivaled Hiei's. "The nightmare, we-"
"-he left an hour ago," Hiei continued, "he's got a head start-"
"-ve been through-"
"-between the airport and Hartford," Hiei continued.
The two officers exchanged a long look, Kurama continuing to speak as fast as Hiei, "-the whole night-"
Turning a glare on Kurama, Hiei bared his teeth, "Will you shut up, I'm *trying* to give them important information. He went to an airport in Hartford-"
Kurama blinked for a second before scowling sharply. "Oh," he muttered, rolling his eyes, "I suppose you're the only one who's been tied up all night-"
"I didn't say that," Hiei frowned. "I'm trying to tell them-"
"-I mean, what is this a-"
Eyes nearly bugging out, Sano leaned forward. "Excuse me!" The two males blinked in surprise and he cleared his throat. "Are there any other hostages in the house?"
Kurama and Hiei turned to look at each other for a second before shaking their heads with polite smiles. "No..."
* * *
The Santa boots were a size too big, and Vegeta cursed as he tried to keep up with the lighter clothed Duo. "Jesus, is there no better route than this? With less snow?"
"No," Duo called back, running through the cemetery path, "this is it. This is the best route!"
"This is the best route," Vegeta muttered.
"We'll be there in no time," Duo encouraged, glancing back. "Come on!"
"Well," Vegeta panted, "I might need a wheelchair, I'm telling you, kid..."
* * *
Standing near Kurama, Hiei twisted his wrists as he and his mate tried to undo the bindings, his red eyes locked on the tall spiky haired cop. "I distinctly heard him say he was headed to a small airport in Hartford, and from there he was taking a private plane to Vancouver-"
"No," Kurama interrupted helpfully, also twisting his wrists, "that's not-"
A third officer came in behind the first two, Kenshin and Sanosuke glancing back at Saitoh's frown and soft whisper. "What's going on?"
Blinking dazedly, Kenshin nodded. "We're working on it..."
"He was on the phone," Kurama argued, "and he said Yugoslavia-"
"There is no Yugoslavia anymore," Hiei spat, rolling his eyes. "Who in there right mind would go-"
"He's not *in* his right mind!" Kurama railed.
"All right!" Sanosuke cried, huffing a quick breath when Kurama and Hiei blinked at him in surprise.
Pulling the last of the cords off his and Kurama's wrist, Hiei tilted his head and looked at the cop. "Sorry. Would you like us to come downtown and give our statements?"
All three officers threw their hands out, with similar expressions, "No!"
Hiei blinked, his expression seemingly innocent. "Because we'd be willing to do that if-"
"No," the officers repeated, each mumbling a quick negative response. "That's quite all right, that won't be necessary, thanks so much, thank you very much, have a Merry Christmas, *Merry* Christmas." Backing up as a unit, they were almost out of the door before the last word was uttered.
"Oh," Hiei said, "if you're sure."
"Thank you," Kurama said at the same time, noting that they moved faster out the door, "Have a Merry Christmas."
* * *
Stumbling up the bank and onto the road, Duo pointed a finger toward the sign just visible in the lamp light. Vegeta paused beside him. "The docks are just down the street," Duo said, not noticing the cop car that turned onto the road behind them, "on your left-" Two little 'blurps' from the cop car caught his attention, and the boy closed his mouth as the car slowed alongside them, Kuwabara leaning out the window to holler at them.
"Curfew," the orange-haired officer called, "go home! Get off the streets." The car continued, just as the man's voice reached them. "Go home, Roshi, I mean it!"
Vegeta turned wide disbelieving eyes on him and Duo sighed. "I guess I have to be getting home now," Duo muttered.
Snorting, Vegeta gave the kid a nod. "Good idea."
Duo smiled and turned to go back down the bank of snow, pausing as his foot touched it. "You know," he murmured, tilting his head, "I think things are going to be different with Hiei." Vegeta raised an eyebrow under the white Santa hat, and Duo smirked. "If not, then I'll show Kurama how to 'blackmail' him. See you, Vegeta."
With a wave, Vegeta watched until the braided boy disappeared into the woods lining the road, then he snorted and shook his head. "Christ," he muttered, "I am *never* having kids..." Hefting the bag over his shoulder, Vegeta turned and ran lightly down the road, toward the docks.
* * *
The stairs were softer than Hiei remembered, and he leaned toward Kurama, taking a sip out of the wine glass his red-haired mate was holding. "Well," he said slowly, "you think we should go untie everybody?"
"No," Kurama said decisively, his green eyes sparkling. "We should unwrap them in the morning. It'd be more *festive*." His dark-haired husband smirked and Kurama sat up, leaning on his knees. "So what about Duo?"
Frowning, Hiei sighed against the stairs. "Well, Yuy said if we give him back the pictures and the money he won't press his case. But I think that makes a good dowry." Green eyes snapped to him and he smirked, shaking his head. "It's up to Duo, I won't force him into anything."
"Actually," Kurama admitted, his expression going solemn, "I meant about us. What do we tell Duo about *us*?" Hiei stared at him for a moment, a small smile turning his lips and Kurama returned it, pulling his slender husband close. Their eyes sparked and they moved forward, lips pressing in a kiss.
"Um, sorry," Yahiko interrupted, blinking bashfully when the two frowned at him, "but Grandma Mukuro's eating through her gag..."
* * *
The little boat was still lit with festive lights, and Vegeta scowled as he ducked his way through it, keeping a good distance between himself and Krillin's overfriendly acquaintance. The black-haired man was a little *too* eager to make friends. Krillin smiled as he moved aside to let his partner at the wheel and Vegeta's eye twitched. "You know something," Vegeta muttered, pushing the small man to the side, "you are a piece of work. I tell you to steal a boat and this is what you get? Get out of the fucking way."
Stepping back, Krillin tilted his head as Vegeta steered. "Vegeta?"
"What?" Vegeta muttered, not bothering to look at Krillin.
"When are we going to open presents?"
"Presents?" Vegeta spat, guiding the boat away from the docks. "Presents. Is that what you said, presents? I tell you what, as soon as we get back we're going to open presents. As a matter of fact, I'll tell you, I'll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking cannon, 'kay? And when we get back, you're going to crawl into it, okay? I'm going to put two pounds of gunpowder in there, and I'm going to light it up, and shoot you right out to Jersey-okay?! And then I'm going to steal a car, and drive to Jersey, and pick up all the little fucking pieces of your body, put them in a big plastic bag, bring them back to my house, put them on the fireplace, light them on *fire*! I'm going to sit there with my glass of whiskey watching the Charlie Brown special with your fucking ashes heating *my* house! Argh!"
Silence reigned for nearly five seconds before Krillin spoke tentatively, "Vegeta...?"
"What?" Vegeta sighed, completely worn.
"What's that smell?"
"Shut up."
--Owari--