Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ A day in the life of a pervert. (FFC) ❯ Annual Z senshi picnic ( One-Shot )

This is a little piece of nonsense that I thought up for Umi-Chan's One Shots competition. So without further ado, welcome to a very scary little thing called Master Roshi's POV!

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Master Roshi, his mountainous collection of porno, or DBZ. Please don't sue!

A day in the life of a pervert

I wake to the familiar sound of gentle waves lapping against the sandy shoreline. The sun shines its scorching rays through the blinds of my long-time home, and I shuffle out from the covers of my very comfortable, but far too empty bed. A yawn picks its way along the aging vocals chords of my throat, as I stand in nothing but the mistletoe boxers I bought last Christmas, with high expectations. My feet fumble to the floor and I hear a crunch and curse to myself as I look down to see the crumpled remains of "Buxom Bessie" staring lustfully back up at me. I feel a stirring down below as I thoughtfully eye the now creased breasts of the April issue goddess under my wrinkled feet.

Almost instinctively I look to the alarm clock and wonder if I have enough time to have a quick shifty before my guests arrive. My hopes falter as I see the display flick up a minute. "Now let me see, ten minutes to get dressed, fifteen to watch "Aerobics session fifty six -gluteus toning." And then… Damnit… Bulma said she would be here early to escape having to work on Vegeta's gravity room again… hmmm… I wonder what she will wear?" My mind spins, and I can feel my blood pressure rising, as I remember last summers two-piece swimming ensemble. "Oh well, looks like it's going to be just ogling today." I sigh, but it's not a bad occupation. When you get to my time in life you'll take anything, and how many men of a hundred and fifteen do you see that have friends of that age, and good build.

Again my mind wonders, and I thank Dende for my photographic memory. Well its not as if seeing her flash me at sweet sixteen is something that I'm likely to forget, and I can still see all the delicious curves, and sweet tufts of curly aquamarine hair just as if she were standing in front of me right now. Blood pressure check! I think it has just escaped into overload, and I can feel the warm liquid squirting from my nose, as I run to the bathroom to grab some emergency toilet roll.

I stay there for a few minutes contemplating going to get some much needed comfort from Miss April, when I hear the front porch bang, (a sure sign that I am no longer on my own,) and that "Buxom Bessie" will have to wait for at least a few more hours.

"Hello! Is anyone in?" I recognise the voice of a fellow hentai collector when I hear it. "If you're lusting over issue 25 old man then I am going to flip. That's my only copy, and you have kept it for over three months now. You know how hard it is to get material like that! The lack of good latex clothing these day's makes that a veritable hentai collectors piece!"

I storm out of the shower pulling up my boxers in resignation, and, finding a crazed Hawaiian shirt for sociability, I go into the living area to meet my guest, "Are you accusing me of not knowing classic pornography when I see it Oolong?"

I have to smile, as the pig looks up to me in the same light as Goku and Krillin once did, Oolong however is still learning from the master. "Shut up and sit down, the shows about to start." For some unfathomable reason I get an itch, and scratch tersely at my crotch as Oolong arranges little boxes of tissues around the room with astonishing precision. I really am the invincible old master, and my lessons have been learnt well!

Several hours later, and all of my guests have arrived. They have all accumulated in clusters, and I smile in a purely heart felt way. It is good to see them all here again. I always have loved the annual Z Senshi picnic, although I have to admit that Vegeta's presence still unnerves me. He is doing his usual gathering trick of staying far enough away from the crowd so as not to be trapped by small talk, but close enough to keep an eye on his mate. Damn that man! Before he came along I was able to get at least thirty gropes in on a good day, but now that record is dormant, and Chi-chi just isn't the same. It's just plain not fair when they are able to hit back.

With great restraint I walk over to the side-table that the females seem to have congregated around. 18 appears to be showing off a new chain of pearls that her hapless husband has been forced to pay for by an extra mortgage on their house, but still I have to envy him, I like the thought of the perverseness of it all. Technically human with the subtle hint of dominatrix that her android enhancements embellish is an interesting blend. There must be a law somewhere that prevents it, and that counts as the highest of recommendations in my eyes.

Like a hawk sensing its prey Vegeta is at my side glaring down at me with a thousand unspoken, but torturous words. I shiver under his glare and move to a safer distance. Unfortunately for our Saiyan Prince, Bulma notes his presence. He looks over at me again, and I get the sinking feeling that I am going to regret getting him trapped in their conversation. She spills out technical jargon at a hundred miles an hour to him, and I am somewhat impressed when after a long speech, of which I do not understand a single word, he simply asks, "Do you prefer digital or analogue?" She is quiet for longer than the statement requires, and I can see the tinges of a blush as she playfully slaps him on the arm, before turning back to talk with android 18.

I turn to look at 18 who catches my stare, and under the same thought we both simply shrug our shoulders. The sound of raised voices lures me away from the confines of the small living room, and directs my feet out into the mid-day sunshine. The barbeque is well under way now, and at last the party is starting to have some sort of normality to it as I can hear the whines with more sensibility. "Thank heavens for Goku." I praise, and walk towards the meat table. Gohan is having to physically restrain him as the steaks are lowered onto the grill. I don't know why he is even bothering. He may be as strong as his father now, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets between that Saiyan and food. My theory is proved correct as blood ties disappear, and my old protégé takes his son unawares by turning super Saiyan quicker than I can flick through 'Razz' - moving in a blur to the direction of the food. No-one can stop him, and the boar flesh has hardly had time to touch the charcoal fuelled flames before he pounces, and consumes the raw offering without a moments concern at it's lack of edibility. I don't seem to be the only one who has noticed it, and I can hear the frighteningly shrill voice of his wife, as she sprints onto the scene to pull her husband unceremoniously away by the ear.

Sighing in resignation I seek out the seat of my reclining sun chair, and mentally applauding the saying 'some things never change,' I have nothing to do, but thumb through some of my least offence material in the hopes of stealing a quick, wet dream filled, nap.

My trip into perverted imaginings doesn't last long though, as I hear a slight cough at my left shoulder. Cracking open an eye I think that my prayers have been answered as I see a familiar, but relatively new face. The dark hair frames perfectly delicious young features. Oh I had almost forgotten about the fresh talent! In a nanosecond I am fully awake. "It is an honour to met you properly." She says stretching out an arm for a handshake.

"Likewise," I say, and can feel the saliva pouring down my chin.

She looks at me with those big blue eyes, and the urge to have a quick grope is growing by the second. I restrain myself. As in martial arts, the art of being a good hentai is all about picking the right moment. If I go in like a fool, I may miss something sweeter later on, "Gohan invited me. I hope that it is ok for me to be here?"

Silly question! "It's a pleasure to meet you properly too Miss Videl." I wish my mind would let me say something more, but it is too busy imagining her in "Buxom Bessie's" S&M apparel.

"Your martial arts skills are legendary Muten Roshi. It would be a great honour to have a lesson sometime."

My heart stops, and I have to remind myself to breathe. "Thank you Dende!" I mouth silently. This is what I have been waiting for! "I can teach you something right now, if you would like?" I say it in full perverted anonymity, and she nods as I scoot a little nearer, "Are you familiar with the ancient Kamesen'nin art of puff puffs?"

Eyeing me with a mixture of wonder, and thankfulness the little minx shakes her head managing to make a certain appendage of mine strain in anticipation. Thank heavens for the invention of loose fitting underwear! "Come a little closer my dear. This is a technique that requires great skill and precision, but is only successful at point-blank range." I stand up to meet her as she advances. Those pointed pert breasts of hers are pushed forwards as she stands staunchly in front of me. I lean in closer and am millimetres away from my target. Their beauty is practically unrivalled and I can see the nipples straining through the white fabric of her opaque T-shirt.

The annual picnic is always a high point in my social calendar. This year, as always, I have great expectations, and this moment seems to be just reward for months of hermitic solitude. My hands begin to rise in anticipation, and I can feel my knees starting to shake. This is it! This is my moment, and heedless as to the consequences, I go in for the kill, "VIDEL"

The name rings out like a cry from HFIL itself, and my thin grip on sanity breaks. I can feel the sting of sexually repressed tears filtering out from my eyes, as my target apologises, and runs away to Gohan, leaving me nuzzling mid-air. I sink to my knees. So close! I was so close, and the tears flow in torrent after torrent down my withered cheeks making my beard, sopping wet, "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT!"

Somehow I manage to recover, and return to the party, accompanied by several, knowing stares, and I can see the horror on Videl's face, as, no doubt, Gohan is explaining to her my intentions. This is not going as well as I had planned. Still the day is not over yet, and my hopes are raised after we finish eating (what remains of the food after Goku has had his share) on finding myself alone in the kitchen with Lunch. It is good to see her after all these years. I had started to wonder if her and Tien were still together, but was glad to see her blue haired innocence arrive loyally at his side. She is busy about the washing up, and I prey that everything's not lost as she bends down to the cupboard under the sink to look for more scourers. Her fascinating little rear is raised, completely unguarded, as she searches through the myriad of cleaning products that Chichi insists on bringing on each visit.

I move closer, entirely disregarded, and chuckle under the deliciously fulfilling reward of a good touch up. My eyes roll into the back of my head under the feel of buttock flesh, completely unaware that my ministrations have made her jump in surprise, letting the washing powder carton she was holding explode into a cloud of dust. Even the sound of warning sniffles go unnoticed, as she turns to smile and remove my hand. The confiscation of her skin makes my mind flood back onto the normal plane of things, and as she stands upright, a finger held to her nose, I pale in fear.

"Achooooo!"

The sneeze rings out under the warm glow of the afternoon sun, and turning on my heals I run faster than I have ever done in my entire life. Ignoring the stares of those guests unfortunate enough to be in her direct path, I streak into the small bathroom in abject terror. Securely locking the solid wooden door, I pray exasperatedly to Dende, as the resulting gunshots rip through the stunned silence.

After two hours of not daring to move, I finally hear the commotion dull, and find courage enough to open the door to look at what little remains of my front room. "Is it safe?" I ask peering at the carnage.

Krillin comes sheepishly up to the door and pulls it open making me fall on my face, "Yeah, Tien took her back to the mountains. He said there is a plant she is allergic to on the east side, and that she will probably be back to normal again in a few hours. Aw man! I'd forgotten how quick she is in that form! If it hadn't been for the fact that she tried to shoot Vegeta, then I think we would have all been history by now! Actually I'm surprised that she's not… considering."

Time passes quicker than a man of my advanced age would normally like, but it is a welcome relief to me. Abandoning any small glimmer of hope at getting more worthwhile molesting in on this particular day, I start to rearrange my furniture as the sun dips slowly over the horizon. It's once brilliant rays are set down to orange and purple tints across the oceans cloudless sky, and those few of my guests that still remain are getting ready to leave. I watch them go with a little sadness. The only time I get to see them now is in a crisis or at birthdays, but I shouldn't despair, at least Miss April will never leave me, and after waving them off I turn to my little wooden house to finish the day as I had hoped to start it.

Making my way to the bedroom, I spot something on the floor that even in my houses demolished state, I know does not belong to me. The small book is bound in blue leather with the glint of gold lettering embossed on the front. I hone my senses a little more, but my once first rate eyesight is starting to fail a little, so have to bring the lettering closer to my face to make it out. The smell surrounding it is most definitely female, and the sun offers up a solitary ray of light to allow me to read the title, "Do You Prefer Digital or Analogue?"

With intrigue hanging on all my senses I turn the lamp on and sit down to read. A twinge of guilt stays my hand, but it doesn't last long, and soon I am nose deep in the pink, lemon-scented pages.

~ Page one ~

Welcome to this little glimpse into the life of Bulma Briefs: scientist, genius, and supreme sex goddess. I have decided to write this diary under the before seen cover because of the unfailing ferocity of one Super Saiyan Prince. He says that it is enough to experience the sex, and not write it as well, but I cannot help it. This is the only way I can communicate the twisted, and mouth-watering sexual relationship that we share. I just simply can't sit on such things! I have to remember every little climactic judder, every single time that he has sent me to pleasure boundaries that I had never believed possible on the normal scale of things! So if you have the inclination to read about the sex life of this little libido junky, then here it is…

~Entry one June 5th ~ 'In the beginning.'

"Whoa sweet Dende!" I shout in triumphant glee, "Happy Christmas, Birthday, and New Year!" I shut the book and close my eyes, praying my honest thanks to whichever deity had the presence of mind to think of me in this time of need, and start to make plans with perverted speed. My heart beats double-time and "Buxom Bessie" will have to take a sidestep tonight, as I walk into my bedroom the happiest and most blessed man alive, to stroll the reassuring plains of hentai heaven!

The End.

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Ember watches as any small scarp of credibility she had gained by being a serious writer flies out of the window. Lol I hope you enjoyed this little bit of nonsense. It was so much fun to write, if not a little disturbing.