Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Bejiita - Unattached ❯ Part 5 - Guilt ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Rated: Strong R
Warnings: Yaoi, rather lemony, lil angsty, steamy, language. Enjoy ^^
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just using the characters for my own amusement. So don't sue!

===

Part 5

I fly a little faster, putting some more distance between us. My thoughts form a whirl wind in my head. But one question stood out.

Dad never really told me how he felt about Bejiita. Though I think I can guess. It's for Bejiita's ears really...

But if dad wants him so much... why isn't he with him?

===

| He's running form me. As well he should. He probably wants nothing to do with me right now |

I feel my son's ki get further and further away, and I feel a wave of nausea over take me. As I'm sure he did only a few minutes ago. The nausea is abruptly pushed aside by anger. Anger towards myself.

How could I DO that?! Now Gohan knows as well. First Chichi... now him. Don't I have any control at all?!

-Flashback-

I fly down to sit and rest in the grass, leaning against the one tall tree in the field. Bejiita lands near me, but he does not sit.

We'd finally finished our day long spar. It's almost a ritual now, a necessary and crucial part of life. He is the only one who seems to share that need. That drive to push oneself to the limit, and beyond. To use every ounce of strength, every fiber of grit, and mettle, and will. It just makes you appreciate things so much more. Fighting with Bejiita, such a proud, volatile, fiery man, just makes me feel more alive.

Or perhaps just the prince himself.

Bejiita. A breath of fresh cool air on a hot summer's day. He's like the sound of footsteps crunching into previously untouched snow on a cold, clear night. When no one's around, and it's the only sound you can hear, ringing, resonating over all others. He's that small fleeting ecstasy after the first sip of your favorite drink when you've waited so long to taste it, That sip, made so sweet because you know that no sip after that will be the same. But Bejiita is that first sip, every time.

He stands in front of me now with his back to me. A silhouette against the setting sun's light. It flows through his hair, making it a deep, reddish brown. Almost as if it weren't hair, but a dark flame. His ripped and tattered clothing reveals his beautifully bronzed skin, made even more golden and luminous by the light.

It was then I realized just how often I stare at him. Even with my eyes closed I could remember ever inch of his body, ever line in his face, even subtle curve of his lips when he smirks at me, every visible scar and imperfection. Somehow they don't diminish, but add to his alluring, fierce beauty.

Pity I can only see what the tightness of his clothes betray.

Pity he sees me as a friend, and nothing more.

| Even if that weren't true... what then? We both have our ties |

How long... have I felt this way? I suppose it doesn't matter anyway...

Feeling my scrutiny, he looks back at me over his shoulder, out of the corner of his eye. I just barely caught his expression before he turned back. But I didn't know what to make of it.

A heavy silence hangs between us. It's peculiar. Most times, at least faint breathing can be heard as we catch our breath, or the rustling of wind through tall grass. But now there's hardly any sound at all. Only the faint thumping of a heart. Bejiita's voice cuts through the near silence like a knife.

"Kakarotto..." he almost whispers.

"Un?"

He says nothing more for a few minutes. Odd. He's known for blurting out the first thing on his mind, careless of how his words will affect others. But every now and then, he'll hesitate. He'll look away, or chew his bottom lip when he has something important, or difficult to s--

"I love you... Kakarotto..."

Just like that.

No pretense.
No drama.
Just those simple words.
Yet so complicated.

Something went off in my mind. Like a switch had just been flipped. At that moment, all the feelings I had been keeping hidden from him, form everyone for so long bubbled up to the surface at an alarming speed. Too many emotions, all at once. I was overjoyed that I finally knew for certain how he felt about me. Yet sad and angry that it changed nothing. Frustrated that it didn't matter how many times I wanted to take him in my arms and kiss him breathless. Or make love to him again and again. Or how much wanted him to share my life. How much I wanted him to always be near, to be with him... always. None of it mattered. My dark prince would still be just out of my grasp.

I felt sick. I felt like smiling. I felt like laughing. I felt like crying. I felt like screaming.

My heart hammered in my chest as I struggled to think of something to say. Something ... Anything!

"Uh... I… love you too!" I squeaked out finally.

| No damn it! That came out …all wrong..!! |

That's not how I wanted it to go...

Not at all.

I hoped and prayed he would turn around and look at me. Maybe he'd see how I really felt. So he could see the love in my eyes, since he could not hear it in my words. But he did not. He only glanced at me from the corner of his eye again, before turning around once again. He sighs, and then flies away. Just like that.

No pretense.
No drama.
And no closure.

He just left that day, left me on that grass plain to stew in my own thoughts. I should have gone after him. Should have grabbed him, and kissed him, and somehow made everything better.

But I didn't.

===

Days came and went. I received no word or sign of him. He'd been avoiding me, skipping our usual matches. At first I pressed the issue, trying to maintain some of our usual routine and friendship. I'd actually hoped that, in some small way, we could go back to what we were. It seemed safer, easier to just be friends. Less to think about. Less to lament, and pine over. Maybe then I could forget about what I so desperately wanted but couldn't have.

It was a futile gesture.

===

Time does not heal all wounds.

In fact it does nothing more than pour salt on it.

Months of no contact, of having to bury my emotions once again, and pretend everything's fine, not having him in my life, not even a little, is taking its toll. Out of desperation, sometimes I would go to our old sparring ground, hoping he was there, waiting. But when I arrived, it always felt like I was just two steps behind him. As if he were just here, then left.

I became consumed with him .After a while my every waking thought was of him. Everything reminded me of him. Training seemed meaningless without him. Everything seemed meaningless.

Chichi barely noticed the difference in me. As long as I was home, staying out of trouble, and not being a bad influence on Goten, all was right with the world. Whether I was happy or not.

Then the cravings started.

I had failed to bury all my feelings as I knew I would. I had never been good at such things. The more I forced them down, the more they came back and smacked me in the face. A constant reminder of my hopeless longing. A strange, entrancing, low muted burning on the fringes of my consciousness.

My mind began to wander to the strangest thoughts. I used to limit the range of my day dreams about Bejiita. But after his, confession, the barrier broke down.

I would think back to when he would wash up in the lake after our sparring sessions, and his hair would be wet, and plastered to his head, hanging down in his face and over his eyes. I would laugh when he complained 'how I could stand having bangs?' Though the hair in his face was not the hair I was looking at.

I began to wonder, what he looked like while he slept. Did he snore? Did he have a favorite color? Was he a good kisser? How soft is the skin on his hands since he always wears gloves. What kinds of foods does he like? Where does he like to be touched? Is he really sensitive? Does he have any hobbies other than kicking my ass? Does he always have to be in control? Or does he like to submit sometimes? Is he a pumper or a grinder? Does he touch himself and think about me? What kind of sounds, and faces does he make when he comes? If he came in my mouth, what would he taste like?

I'd never thought of sex so much in my life. Yet, I thought of Bejiita more and more everyday. Eventually the two became analogous, and linked to one another.

Chichi and I began to spend much more time together. Going from once a month, to once a week, to almost every day. Much to her delight. But Bejiita was always on my mind.

It had never once occurred to me that having such thoughts and feelings for another man could be wrong.

===

Goten had gone to bed some hours ago, and I had an itch.

"Chichi…" I called, drawing her attention away from cleaning up so she'd come over and… take care of her husband.

She blushed. "In… in a seco-Oooh!" I picked her up and slung her over my shoulder, carrying her up the stairs to our room. She pretended to struggle, half laughing, half telling me to put her down, 'she's perfectly capable of walking on her own.' Funny if I did this to Bejiita, he would react the same way.

I toss her on the bed, and she lands with a surprised squeak. I walk towards her, already missing most of my clothes, my heart beginning to race. I pull off the last of my shirts and fling then across the room. She does the same and I pounce on her as she lets down her hair. Almost as dark as my prince's.

"Come here…" she croons pursing her lips.

\ Kiss me … Kakarotto… \

Even now he invades my thoughts

I stick my tongue down her throat for several minutes, before bathing her breasts with it.

\ Aaah! Un...UNnn! \

She moans loudly, but I only hear Bejiita's voice in my head. I imagine him writhing under me, tangling his fingers in my hair, groaning and begging me...

\ Iiinnh!! Ka..Kakarotto!..no..no more...you know...what I want! \

I moan as well. I've become much louder in bed than usual lately. I flip her over on her stomach suddenly. The urge to quench my thirst for Bejiita is overwhelming now.

| Is it wrong to think of him now? But I can't help it!! |

"OOoh!" she groaned as I maneuver myself behind her, and pulled her hips into my lap. Bejiita's sculpted back arches as I push myself into him in one thrust. I shiver and we both let out such a yell every time I hit his sweet spot again, and again, and again.

"UUnnh...Aahhh!!!"

| Lord I must have woken Goten with that one |

Bejiita lets out a low, guttural moan when I lean over him and thrust faster than before. I can barely hear Chichi at all anymore, though I can tell she's as loud as I.

I lean down and whisper in his ear.

"Mmmm...You like that..?"

\ Uuh..AAHH!! AH! Oh..oh god!!.. I'm gonna come! \

That did it for me. I pump at a furious pace. Each stroke pulled another shout from me. I pant in his ear.. "Unn you feel ..so good...so..!"

I hear a climactic shout as I'm pushed over the edge.

"AAhh AAHH! Go..Gokuu..!!"

"UUH BEJIIITA!!"

Then, it was suddenly cold and silent. All movement stopped. I was frozen in place. I didn't even bother to blink or close my mouth. I could say nothing. No words could ever make this right.

Chichi recovered faster than I and slowly moved away. I sat there, dumbfounded. Petrified.

With her back still to me, she sat up. She spoke very low, and very slowly, as if it took so much effort to do so.

"So that's why... you've been so different lately." The softness of her tone did little to cover the contempt in it. "I guess it was silly of me... to think you were being so... attentive because you really loved me..." She begins to laugh. A low chuckle at first. Then in increases in volume, until it's almost hysterical laughter. I just stared at her.

She finally turned around to look at me. But I didn't meet her eyes, instead I hung my head in shame.

| I felt like shit |

Tears ran freely down her cheeks. I still said nothing.

"I...can't believe our whole relationship... is a farce.!." she said in a choked voice. "Just when I thought things were getting better..."

Footsteps.

"Mom? Dad?"

"Goten go back to bed!"

"What's going on?" he said groggily. Though I knew he'd been up for a while.

|No...god just leave! I don't want you to hear this! |

"I always wondered why you insisted on sparring with him so much... So is that what you call it now...?"

"Chichi...I.. I'm sorry..."

"You never really loved me did you? ... It was him, it was always him! Wasn't it!?! I didn't think you'd be capable of such a thing!! You...you're just USING me!! WHY? If you weren't happy... with me, why didn't you say so?!!

"Dad what is she..?"

"Go to BED Goten!!"

"What was it? That asshole wasn't giving you any? So you had to come crawling to me!? I'm his substitute!?"

| In a way, yes, she is. I couldn't deny that.. |

| I felt sick |

"HIM of all people!? How could anyone want THAT?!"

| Why is loving him so wrong? |

"Chichi..."

"Ugh!! You disgust me!! You sick pervert!! I can't believe I lived with something like you for so long!!"

"How can you say that..?" I whispered. My voice so pained and small.

"For the longest time, I thought you were so good, and simple and innocent... Ha! You're a cheat and a liar!! A pathetic bum that never worked a day in his life, never here for his family or his wife! Just so he can go with his little shit boyfriend..!! "

"It's not... like that..." I whispered again. I must have sounded pitiful.

"Like hell it isn't!!!"

"But.."

"I don't want to hear it." She said. Her voice suddenly low and threatening.

"Go! Get out of my house you fucking faggot!! Don't even come near me or my son again!!'

Then the still silence returned.

I was devastated. I was mortified. I deserved it.

I shut my eyes tightly before the tears could spill out.

| It's over |

I picked up my discarded clothes, pressed two fingers to my forehead, and left.

I didn't even give Chichi a last look. My last memory of her will always be her hurt, enraged expression with trails of tears under her eyes.

It was all my fault.

And Goten heard everything.

-End Flashback-

TBC