Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Goku's Cooking Tips ❯ Episode Seven ( Chapter 7 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: ultravegeta 
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.23.2006 | Pages: 4 | Words: 1.9K | Visits: 208 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.23.2006 | Pages: 4 | Words: 1.9K | Visits: 208 | Status: Work In Progress
(cut to Goku in a flaming pit of damnation completely naked)
Goku - (screaming in agony) AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-- Oh, I'm on? Well hello again, and welcome to todays episode of 'Goku's Hellish Cooking Hour of Pain'! (renamed as such by satan) As I'm sure you already very well know, I am your host, and eternally damned soul, Goku! And this here is my new cohost and cohort in evil, Astaroth!
Astaroth - (flamboyantly) Well hello there!
Goku - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. Asty here has been kind enough to show me around hell and all of its wonderful inhabitants! That's right folks, I said hell-- not HFIL-- hell! Take THAT Funimation!
-(meanwhile at Funimation studios)-
Funimation Censor Dork - (crawled up in a ball and crying)
-(back in hell)
Goku - So then, as I promised at the end of the last thrilling episode, today I'll be making my famous (at least, in hell it is) 'Satan's Flambee'! Let's begin. (walks over to a counter made of human flesh and organs) I'd like to personally thank Asty and the rest of the wonderful people down here for fashioning my own unique cooking studio!
Astaroth - Pottery Barn; designers secret!
Goku - Astaroth here was an interior decorator in his past life; which should hopefully explain to all you folks out there why he's here in the first place! (winks)
Astaroth - Eat your heart out Trading Spaces!
Goku - Alright, enough tomfoolery, let's get on with the actual show! Now the first and most important ingredient in making this wonderfully blasphemous dish is five of satan's own hellspawn eggs. Now obviously these are quite difficult to acquire, as I so painfully learned.
-(flashback)-
Satan - (sitting and reading the weekly edition of 'Hells Times')
Goku - (covertly sneaks up behind Satan and reachs up his butt)
Satan - EH! (turns around and looks down at Goku)
Goku - Uh--...I didn't leave my watch in here! (laughs nervously)
Satan - (with flames shooting out of his nostrils) EERRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--
Goku - Oh sweet mercy.
-(back at the show)-
Goku - So for that very reason, we'll be using Astaroth's eggs here as a replacement today!
Director - How did you manage that?
Goku - Oh, 20 hours of agonizing pain.
Director - No kidding.
Astaroth - Yeah. He has quite the tab growing!
Goku - He's not lying. So how's Hell treating you Mr. Director?
Director - You know, after dealing with you for so many years on end, I'm kind of used to the excrutiating pain and suffering present here.
Goku - Touche. Now, after you've got five of said eggs, next you'll need some demon's bile, some fire from the pit of eternal pain, and finally, some behemoths milk. Now, obviously you need to be present in hell to get such ingredients, so just as a reminder for all you 'good' souls out there, the website for my tried and true method of eternal damnation is Or, if you don't have a computer, feel free to call our 24/7 hotline, at 1-800-IWANNASUFFER.
That's 1-800-492662783337, for all you illiterate people out there. Call now and win a free ticket to this show!
Director - Talk about adding insult to injury.
Goku - While all of these ingredients are cooking in the oven, I'm going to show you how to make a sidedish that will compliment this desert perfectly: 'Bahamut's Brownies'! I've got a freshly made batch of them right over he-- .
...Where the hell are my brownies?
Astaroth - (shrugs)
Director - Well don't look at me.
Goku - Well, great. Now I've made a complete ASS of myself on live TV!
Director - Well that's nothing new.
Goku - THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRICKEN SMARMY LITTLE COMMENTARY! YOU'RE FIRED!
Director - THANK YOU GOD! (gets up and leaves)
Goku - Man, I've been waiting to do that for ages!
Astaroth - You go girl!
Goku - Ah...Now where was I? Oh yes, the brownies. We--
Director - (walks back in)
Goku - What are you--
Director - I-- I forgot my cap...(leaves again)
Goku - Yeah, get the f...Alright, as I was saying--
Director - You haven't happened to see a small red baseball cap around here have you?
Goku - JUST LEAVE ALREADY!
Director - No, I'm not going anywhere until I have my hat back!
Goku - OH FOR FU--
(Goku's Cooking Show will return shortly!)
Goku's Voice - I am gonna go unholy on your ass!
Director's Voice - Yeah! Bring it bitch!
(And now we're back!)
Goku - (covered in bruises) (grumbling to himself)
Astaroth - Wow, that was sad.
Goku - How was I to know he had a black belt in Karate! Ergh...Bloody Directors and their...Let's just cut to dinner later on, shall we?
(silence)
Goku - What the hell is--
Astaroth - You don't have a Director anymore, remember?
Goku - What, so I can't leap ahead in time anymore!
Astaroth - It appears not.
Goku - CRAP! Ah, excuse me for a second here, will you? (leaves)
Astaroth - Certainly.
(silence)
Astaroth - (looks both ways) (starts dancing in front of the camera) I'm too sexy for my horns, too sexy for my horns, so sexy that it--
-(meanwhile, at a nearby bar)-
(Authors Note - Hell has bars!)
Director - (having a drink)
Goku - (enters) There you are!
Director - The hell do you want? I hope this is about my cap or else I'll go kung-fu on your ass again boy!
Goku - No, no, no-- Don't be silly! And please, seriously, don't attack me again. I get enough of that from Asty in bed anyways.
Director - That's just great. Not only do I lose my cap today and get fired, but now I know about your sex life with a demon. Thank you Lord!
Goku - Alright, enough insults, I need you back on my show.
Director - Need me? Like hell I'm going back to that crap! I'd rather have pins shoved through every nerve ending in my body!
Goku - You know, they do that here.
Director - Shut it!
Goku - Awwww, come on, don't you miss it though?
Director - Miss what! Constantly having to clean up your idiotic messes and deal with an endless onslaught of lawsuits!
Goku - That's not what I'm talking about...(slaps the Director on the butt)
Director - Oooh, you naughty monkey you!
Viewers at Home - (puke into a nearby bucket)
Author - I am truly sorry for that...
Goku - Come on...For old times sakes!
Director - Errggghhhhhh...Alright! I'll come back...Besides, the drinks they serve here are terrible anyways!
Goku - Uh, yeah, that's bile your drinking there.
Director - Well that would explain the chunkyness I guess.
(Goku and the Director hold hands and leave)
Demons Inside the Bar - Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Demon - Don't it just bring a tear to your eye-slit?
-(back at the show)-
Astaroth - (still dancing) Maia HII! Maia HUU! Maia HA! Maia HAHA--
Goku - (renenters with the director)
Director - What in the name of--
Goku - Just act like he's not there...Now then, back to where we left off! On to the dinner party!
Director - (flips the time-switch)
-(later on, at dinner...in hell...)-
Goku - Now unfortunately for this show I can't travel back onto Earth for various reasons (damned contracts!), so I've arranged for Satan here to transport all of my friends down here to Hell! Satan, do your thing.
Satan - (says a bunch of evil gibberish and snaps his fingers)
(Vegeta, Bulma, Chichi, and Gohan all appear in Hell)
Goku - Well howdy everyo--
(they all instantly turn to dust from the heat)
Goku - Oh...crap...I knew something was wrong about that...Eh, we'll be right back folks! (laughs nervously and backs away slowly)
(Goku's Cooking Hour will return in a few moments! While waiting, Goku recommends that you go f-ck yourselves!)
Author - And how.
(And we're back!)
Goku - Hello again everyone. As we last left off, my entire dinner party was just incinerated by the extreme heats of hell.
So, to replace them, I have a bunch of demon's who I guess kind of somewhat resemble them...Say hello to my new guests; Vigoda, Bulna, Choochoo, and Geyhan!
(the four demons wave happily)
Goku - And who knows, maybe things'll go over even better with 'em! Astaroth, bring out the entrees please!
Astaroth - (in a bright pink cooking apron) Yes dear! (come out with a large tray of assorted evil delights)
Goku - Explain to the viewers what you've got there Asty!
Astaroth - Well Goku, to start off the meal tonight, we have an absolutely scrumptious and heathenous side of your own special 'Heretic's Pie', and along with that a healthy dose of 'Diabolic Duck', and to top it all off, some beautfully cooked 'Leg of Leviathan'!
Goku - Doesn't that just look just to die for! Ah-hahahahahaha, get it! To die f...die for...eh?...
(none of the guest demons laugh)
Goku - Yeah...Uh, let's just start the dinner already...(sits down) Vigoda, could you pass the pie please?
Vigoda - (snarls at Goku and spits acid)
Goku - (with his face melting) ...Or not...
Astaroth - Oh Vigoda, you know it's rude to melt people's faces off at the dinner table!
Vigoda - (whimpers)
Goku - And how is my dear...um, demon-wife enjoying the meal?
Choochoo - (chatters and convluses violently)
Goku - Yeah...Great...Now before I eat, as I always do, I'm going to say grace! Oh Lord in Heaven, we thank you for this wonderful meal of--
Astaroth - NO GOKU, DON'T--
(all of the demon's scream and explode into ashes)
Goku - Crap! I knew there was something I forgot!
Astaroth - (melting) Oh Goku, you're such a ditz!
Goku - Heh, and how! Well I guess that concludes todays painfully long episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'! Join me tomorrow wherever the hell I am, as I teach my delicious and often disasterous recipes once again! Ta ta!
(a mob of angry demons lynch Goku and eat him alive)
Astaroth - (strikes a pose) Can't touch dis.
Goku - (screaming in agony) AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-- Oh, I'm on? Well hello again, and welcome to todays episode of 'Goku's Hellish Cooking Hour of Pain'! (renamed as such by satan) As I'm sure you already very well know, I am your host, and eternally damned soul, Goku! And this here is my new cohost and cohort in evil, Astaroth!
Astaroth - (flamboyantly) Well hello there!
Goku - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. Asty here has been kind enough to show me around hell and all of its wonderful inhabitants! That's right folks, I said hell-- not HFIL-- hell! Take THAT Funimation!
-(meanwhile at Funimation studios)-
Funimation Censor Dork - (crawled up in a ball and crying)
-(back in hell)
Goku - So then, as I promised at the end of the last thrilling episode, today I'll be making my famous (at least, in hell it is) 'Satan's Flambee'! Let's begin. (walks over to a counter made of human flesh and organs) I'd like to personally thank Asty and the rest of the wonderful people down here for fashioning my own unique cooking studio!
Astaroth - Pottery Barn; designers secret!
Goku - Astaroth here was an interior decorator in his past life; which should hopefully explain to all you folks out there why he's here in the first place! (winks)
Astaroth - Eat your heart out Trading Spaces!
Goku - Alright, enough tomfoolery, let's get on with the actual show! Now the first and most important ingredient in making this wonderfully blasphemous dish is five of satan's own hellspawn eggs. Now obviously these are quite difficult to acquire, as I so painfully learned.
-(flashback)-
Satan - (sitting and reading the weekly edition of 'Hells Times')
Goku - (covertly sneaks up behind Satan and reachs up his butt)
Satan - EH! (turns around and looks down at Goku)
Goku - Uh--...I didn't leave my watch in here! (laughs nervously)
Satan - (with flames shooting out of his nostrils) EERRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--
Goku - Oh sweet mercy.
-(back at the show)-
Goku - So for that very reason, we'll be using Astaroth's eggs here as a replacement today!
Director - How did you manage that?
Goku - Oh, 20 hours of agonizing pain.
Director - No kidding.
Astaroth - Yeah. He has quite the tab growing!
Goku - He's not lying. So how's Hell treating you Mr. Director?
Director - You know, after dealing with you for so many years on end, I'm kind of used to the excrutiating pain and suffering present here.
Goku - Touche. Now, after you've got five of said eggs, next you'll need some demon's bile, some fire from the pit of eternal pain, and finally, some behemoths milk. Now, obviously you need to be present in hell to get such ingredients, so just as a reminder for all you 'good' souls out there, the website for my tried and true method of eternal damnation is Or, if you don't have a computer, feel free to call our 24/7 hotline, at 1-800-IWANNASUFFER.
That's 1-800-492662783337, for all you illiterate people out there. Call now and win a free ticket to this show!
Director - Talk about adding insult to injury.
Goku - While all of these ingredients are cooking in the oven, I'm going to show you how to make a sidedish that will compliment this desert perfectly: 'Bahamut's Brownies'! I've got a freshly made batch of them right over he-- .
...Where the hell are my brownies?
Astaroth - (shrugs)
Director - Well don't look at me.
Goku - Well, great. Now I've made a complete ASS of myself on live TV!
Director - Well that's nothing new.
Goku - THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRICKEN SMARMY LITTLE COMMENTARY! YOU'RE FIRED!
Director - THANK YOU GOD! (gets up and leaves)
Goku - Man, I've been waiting to do that for ages!
Astaroth - You go girl!
Goku - Ah...Now where was I? Oh yes, the brownies. We--
Director - (walks back in)
Goku - What are you--
Director - I-- I forgot my cap...(leaves again)
Goku - Yeah, get the f...Alright, as I was saying--
Director - You haven't happened to see a small red baseball cap around here have you?
Goku - JUST LEAVE ALREADY!
Director - No, I'm not going anywhere until I have my hat back!
Goku - OH FOR FU--
(Goku's Cooking Show will return shortly!)
Goku's Voice - I am gonna go unholy on your ass!
Director's Voice - Yeah! Bring it bitch!
(And now we're back!)
Goku - (covered in bruises) (grumbling to himself)
Astaroth - Wow, that was sad.
Goku - How was I to know he had a black belt in Karate! Ergh...Bloody Directors and their...Let's just cut to dinner later on, shall we?
(silence)
Goku - What the hell is--
Astaroth - You don't have a Director anymore, remember?
Goku - What, so I can't leap ahead in time anymore!
Astaroth - It appears not.
Goku - CRAP! Ah, excuse me for a second here, will you? (leaves)
Astaroth - Certainly.
(silence)
Astaroth - (looks both ways) (starts dancing in front of the camera) I'm too sexy for my horns, too sexy for my horns, so sexy that it--
-(meanwhile, at a nearby bar)-
(Authors Note - Hell has bars!)
Director - (having a drink)
Goku - (enters) There you are!
Director - The hell do you want? I hope this is about my cap or else I'll go kung-fu on your ass again boy!
Goku - No, no, no-- Don't be silly! And please, seriously, don't attack me again. I get enough of that from Asty in bed anyways.
Director - That's just great. Not only do I lose my cap today and get fired, but now I know about your sex life with a demon. Thank you Lord!
Goku - Alright, enough insults, I need you back on my show.
Director - Need me? Like hell I'm going back to that crap! I'd rather have pins shoved through every nerve ending in my body!
Goku - You know, they do that here.
Director - Shut it!
Goku - Awwww, come on, don't you miss it though?
Director - Miss what! Constantly having to clean up your idiotic messes and deal with an endless onslaught of lawsuits!
Goku - That's not what I'm talking about...(slaps the Director on the butt)
Director - Oooh, you naughty monkey you!
Viewers at Home - (puke into a nearby bucket)
Author - I am truly sorry for that...
Goku - Come on...For old times sakes!
Director - Errggghhhhhh...Alright! I'll come back...Besides, the drinks they serve here are terrible anyways!
Goku - Uh, yeah, that's bile your drinking there.
Director - Well that would explain the chunkyness I guess.
(Goku and the Director hold hands and leave)
Demons Inside the Bar - Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Demon - Don't it just bring a tear to your eye-slit?
-(back at the show)-
Astaroth - (still dancing) Maia HII! Maia HUU! Maia HA! Maia HAHA--
Goku - (renenters with the director)
Director - What in the name of--
Goku - Just act like he's not there...Now then, back to where we left off! On to the dinner party!
Director - (flips the time-switch)
-(later on, at dinner...in hell...)-
Goku - Now unfortunately for this show I can't travel back onto Earth for various reasons (damned contracts!), so I've arranged for Satan here to transport all of my friends down here to Hell! Satan, do your thing.
Satan - (says a bunch of evil gibberish and snaps his fingers)
(Vegeta, Bulma, Chichi, and Gohan all appear in Hell)
Goku - Well howdy everyo--
(they all instantly turn to dust from the heat)
Goku - Oh...crap...I knew something was wrong about that...Eh, we'll be right back folks! (laughs nervously and backs away slowly)
(Goku's Cooking Hour will return in a few moments! While waiting, Goku recommends that you go f-ck yourselves!)
Author - And how.
(And we're back!)
Goku - Hello again everyone. As we last left off, my entire dinner party was just incinerated by the extreme heats of hell.
So, to replace them, I have a bunch of demon's who I guess kind of somewhat resemble them...Say hello to my new guests; Vigoda, Bulna, Choochoo, and Geyhan!
(the four demons wave happily)
Goku - And who knows, maybe things'll go over even better with 'em! Astaroth, bring out the entrees please!
Astaroth - (in a bright pink cooking apron) Yes dear! (come out with a large tray of assorted evil delights)
Goku - Explain to the viewers what you've got there Asty!
Astaroth - Well Goku, to start off the meal tonight, we have an absolutely scrumptious and heathenous side of your own special 'Heretic's Pie', and along with that a healthy dose of 'Diabolic Duck', and to top it all off, some beautfully cooked 'Leg of Leviathan'!
Goku - Doesn't that just look just to die for! Ah-hahahahahaha, get it! To die f...die for...eh?...
(none of the guest demons laugh)
Goku - Yeah...Uh, let's just start the dinner already...(sits down) Vigoda, could you pass the pie please?
Vigoda - (snarls at Goku and spits acid)
Goku - (with his face melting) ...Or not...
Astaroth - Oh Vigoda, you know it's rude to melt people's faces off at the dinner table!
Vigoda - (whimpers)
Goku - And how is my dear...um, demon-wife enjoying the meal?
Choochoo - (chatters and convluses violently)
Goku - Yeah...Great...Now before I eat, as I always do, I'm going to say grace! Oh Lord in Heaven, we thank you for this wonderful meal of--
Astaroth - NO GOKU, DON'T--
(all of the demon's scream and explode into ashes)
Goku - Crap! I knew there was something I forgot!
Astaroth - (melting) Oh Goku, you're such a ditz!
Goku - Heh, and how! Well I guess that concludes todays painfully long episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'! Join me tomorrow wherever the hell I am, as I teach my delicious and often disasterous recipes once again! Ta ta!
(a mob of angry demons lynch Goku and eat him alive)
Astaroth - (strikes a pose) Can't touch dis.