Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Goku's Cooking Tips ❯ Episode Eight ( Chapter 8 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: ultravegeta 
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.23.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.1K | Visits: 225 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.23.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.1K | Visits: 225 | Status: Completed
(cut to Goku in his normal attire and back on Earth)
Goku - YOU IDIOT, I ASKED FOR TWO CREAMS AND ONE SUGAR; NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!
Assistant - (off camera) Dude, I'm not going over to Starbucks again, okay? There was a lineup from hell there, I had to wait over an hour, and the guy gave me the wrong change, so give me a break for getting one tiny litte thing wrong!
Goku - ONE TINY THING! THIS HAS RUINED MY MORNING COFFEE! And unless I get my daily caffein high,
you know that I can't go ahead with this show!
Assistant - That's pretty sad man.
Goku - Yeah? I'll tell you what's sad! You when you're...when you're...fired from th...from this show...
Assistant - Whatever dude, I quit! (leaves and throws a cup of hot coffee at Goku)
Goku - YOU LITTLE-- (gets the hot coffee right in the crotch) OH FU--
(We're sorry, but we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties right now. 'Goku's Cooking Show' will return in a few moments!)
Goku's Voice - SWEET JESUS, I CAN'T FEEL MY DI--
(And now we're back!)
Goku - (looking agonized and holding his crotch) Hello everyone! And welcome to today's all new edition of my cooking show. I apologize for that little interruption at the beginning, but my crew never seems to properly tell me when the show's on!
Director - What part of 'we're on' don't you get?
Goku - Yeah, you just shut your...Anyways, I'm sure you're all wondering how I'm back on Earth for today's episode, and not in hell or some other crazy-ass place. Well you see, after last night's episode, I was kicked out of hell for annoying satan and all of the other demon's too much, and since neither Heaven nor Limbo wanted me, I was thrown back onto Earth! While this is mostly good news, my recent beloved cohost, Astaroth, unfortunately couldn't join me...But we're working on that, and as soon as I've found a perfect host for his evil flamboyant soul, he'll be back! And on that note; Piccolo, my former cohost, can you please come out here for a moment?
Piccolo - (walks out) I'm not rubbing your friggen bunions again you ape bastard.
Goku - Just hold still for ONE second! (chants a bunch of evil nonsense and does some crazy-arse hand movements)
Piccolo - What the f-ck are you-- (suddenly starts glowing and stops moving)
Goku - (grins) That should do it!
Piccolo - (rubs his head) Augh...My head...
Goku - Told ya I'd get ya here Asty!
Astaroth (in Piccolo's body) - Oh, you're such a dear, Goku! But this body? Green is so...90's! I think I'd look better in a bit of a pastel or...
Goku - You go do that then...
Astaroth - (leaving) This studio of yours is so yesterday! You've gotta jouge it up or something! (leaves)
Goku - (rubbing his head) Uh huh...You know, I wonder if there's any way to reverse that spell or something?
Director - Don't look at me. I'm not into that crazy sort of stuff.
Goku - Heh, that's not what Krillin told me--
Director - THAT LITTLE SCUMBAG KNOWS NOTHING!
Goku - (startled) Okay then...Well folks, for today's show, I'm going to be showing you how to make a rare and hard to find dish: the 'Guatemalan Bean Dip of Death'! This stuff is said to be so spicy, that it'll cause an instant stroke and heart attack just from tasting a drop of it!
Director - Then why in God's name would anyone even make it?
Goku - Eh, I guess if you're in a mood for something foreign or...Anywho, over to my counter! (walks over to his counter)
Man, you know, if there's one thing I actually really miss about hell, it's my flesh and organ encrusted shelving.
That stuff was REALLY nice!
Director - Well why don't you get your gay demon lover to do that?
Goku - Oh, he's too busy. He just got hired on a brand new TV show!
Director - Oh really? Have I heard of it?
Goku - Maybe. It's called 'Satanic Eye for the Straight Guy'. It's airing this week on channel six-sixty-six!
Director - Sounds interesting.
Goku - Yeah, well, it's supposed to be good. But anyways, I've gone off topic once again! The first thing you're going to need to make this horrendously spicy dish are some death peppers from Guatemala itself. To do so, you'll either have to travel down there, or specially order them through the internet. Though I really do recommend going there and taking in all of the breathtaking scenery and locales!
-(flashback in Guatemala)-
Goku - (getting cooked in a pot by a bunch of savages) Could you turn the heat down a tich? This sauna's getting mighty warm!
Savages - ...
-(back at the show)-
Goku - Now, once you've got said ingredients, make extra sure to handle them carefully. Even a mililitre of the juices inside of these suckers can cause instant death! So once you have them, strap on your necessary Hazmat apparel, and cut these suckers open! Now, the first thing you'll want to do is let the juices drip into your pot. Now, as common sense would indicate, make sure that you have an industrial strength cooking container that can handle high-level acids and the sort; otherwise, you'll have quite the mess to clean up!
Assistant - (walks back in) Dude, have you seen my sandwich anywhere?
Goku - I thought you quit!
Assistant - Well yeah, but I bought a hoggie over when I was getting you a coffee, and I forgot it here.
Goku - Uh...Just one moment...(grabs the assistant's hoggie and shoves a death pepper in it) Here you go!
Assistant - Thanks asswipe. (leaves)
Goku - Yeah, you just...Maybe now you'll think twice before burning my baloney stick!
Assistant - (bites down into the sandwich and walks away) Mmm! Spicy!
Goku - What the-- (looks down at the pepper label) These ARE Guatemalan death pepper's aren't they!
Director - That's what you said.
Goku - So help me God if those native's ripped me off-- Could we cut to a commercial for a second?
Director - Uh, we're not due for one for another five min--
Goku - (grabs the camera and puts his fist through it)
('Goku's Cooking Show' will return in a few minutes! Until then, have a snack!)
Director's Voice - YOU IDIOT, THAT WAS A $60,000 DOLLAR CAMERA!
Goku's Voice - I wipe my ass with $60,000 dollars!
(And now we're back!)
Goku - (flipping the director off) Grrrrrrrrr...Welcome back. As it turns out, I was in fact NOT given 'Guatemalan Pepper's of Death', but rather, 'Indonesian Pussy Paprika'...
Director - (struggling not to laugh)
Goku - And I wonder who screwed that up? Hmmmm, whoever could it be...
Director - Hey, don't look at me; it was probably your demonic butt-buddy over there--
Goku - YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS! (clears his throat) Anyways, let's just skip to today's desert of choice,
shall we? While I'm showing you this next part, my assistant's will 'hopefully' manage to successfully make a batch of 'Death Dip' for later...Okay...Today's desert recipe of choice is that of 'Midget Sorbet'. All you need to make this is one midget and a bunch of ice-cream. Let's get started.
Krillin - (strapped to a chair) No Goku, I'm begging you, DON'T DO THI--
Goku - (incinerates Krillin) Now, once you've fried your midget, just slice him up and spread his body parts all over the cream.
Krillin - I'm still alive you know.
Goku - That's the point. (takes out a huge butcher knife and starts carving Krillin up)
Krillin - OH SWEET GO--
(And now for a conviently placed commercial!)
Voice - Do you suffer from extremely painful hemorrhoids? Does it feel like a termite-farm is stuck up your ass whenever you sit down? Then get all new 'Doctor Affenschwance's Rhoid Be-Gone'! Proven effective in over 90 of cases!
Quick Voice - We cannot guarantee this.
(And now back to the show!)
Goku - (covered in blood and guts) Welcome back! Now that we're finished dismembering and dispering Krillin's body, let's go back over to our crack-team and see how the dip is coming along. (walks over) Hey guys, how's everything go--
Cracked Out Team Guy #1 - (swaying back and forth)
Cracked Out Team Guy #2 - (twirling his head around)
Cracked Out Team Guy #3 - (humping a desk)
Goku - WHAT THE-- (looks over at the director)
Director - (laughing) What?
Goku - I SAID A 'CRACK-TEAM'! NOT A TEAM ON CRACK!
Director - (hysterically) You...You gotta explain these things better!
Goku - Jesus Chri-- (rubs his forhead) Fine, let's just fastforward to dinner then, where things will hopefully be a little more 'organized'!
Director - You got it. (flips the switch)
Goku - (getting humped by one of the cracked out guys) And get rid of these freaks!
-(later on at dinner)-
Goku - You keep your mouths shut, you don't do any stupid, and this'll all be over quick! Huh? I'm on? Oh! Hello again!
And welcome to my annual dinner get-together! I'm sure you already know my guests well enough; Vegeta, Bulma,
Gohan, and my lovely wife, Chichi. I'm also sure you're wondering how they're alive and sitting here when they were turned to dust last episode, but hey, it's not like we've got any continuity going over here anyways, so what the hell. Now everyone relax as I go out and fetch the dip!
(everyone is strapped to their chairs and gagged)
Goku - (emerges from the kitchen in a Hazmat suit carrying the bean dip in a toxic container) Everyone hungry!
(everyone screams in terror)
Goku - Good! (slams the container down on the table violently) Let's eat! Now before we go any further, let me remind all of you at home that you should at least have enough industrial-grade utensils, and a spoonful of Epicac before consuming! And with all that said: bottoms up! (takes his bowl of death dip and swallows it in one huge gulp)
Director - ...
Goku - Hmmmm, has a nice tangy flavour...A nice punch to it...Though I'm not really feeling the whole 'death' thing of it yet!...Er...(suddenly bursts into flames and melts into a puddle)
Director - I'm guessing you do now...
Goku - ...
Director - Well, I guess that concludes this episode of 'Goku's Life-Threatening Cooking Tips'...That was Goku, and goodnight!
Goku - (still a puddle) (slithers onto the table) No! I'm not done yet!
Director - What the he--
Goku - My guests still haven't tried any! Mouths open!
(all the guests scream and desperately try to keep their mouths shut)
Goku - I SAID OPEN DAMNIT!
Director - Why don't you just skip to desert already!
Goku - Good idea...Asty, show our guests what delectable confectionary we have for desert tonight!
Astaroth - Certainly! 'Midget a la Creme'! (holds out a platter of ice-cream, which has Krillin's body parts all over it)
(all of the guests have a heart attack and die from shock)
Goku - Wow! I heard this stuff was to die for, but this is just ridiculous!
Director - Goku, for the love of God...
Goku - Well, I guess that REALLY concludes today's episode! I'm 'melted Goku' and this has been my show. I hope you enjoyed it more than I did, cause I really want to kill somebody right about now. Tune in next time for more useless crap and screw-ups, and-- Oh, f-ck it, I'm off to get drunk! (leaves)
Director - I hear ya. (leaves)
Astaroth - Well, I guess it's just you and me then...
(long silence)
Goku - YOU IDIOT, I ASKED FOR TWO CREAMS AND ONE SUGAR; NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!
Assistant - (off camera) Dude, I'm not going over to Starbucks again, okay? There was a lineup from hell there, I had to wait over an hour, and the guy gave me the wrong change, so give me a break for getting one tiny litte thing wrong!
Goku - ONE TINY THING! THIS HAS RUINED MY MORNING COFFEE! And unless I get my daily caffein high,
you know that I can't go ahead with this show!
Assistant - That's pretty sad man.
Goku - Yeah? I'll tell you what's sad! You when you're...when you're...fired from th...from this show...
Assistant - Whatever dude, I quit! (leaves and throws a cup of hot coffee at Goku)
Goku - YOU LITTLE-- (gets the hot coffee right in the crotch) OH FU--
(We're sorry, but we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties right now. 'Goku's Cooking Show' will return in a few moments!)
Goku's Voice - SWEET JESUS, I CAN'T FEEL MY DI--
(And now we're back!)
Goku - (looking agonized and holding his crotch) Hello everyone! And welcome to today's all new edition of my cooking show. I apologize for that little interruption at the beginning, but my crew never seems to properly tell me when the show's on!
Director - What part of 'we're on' don't you get?
Goku - Yeah, you just shut your...Anyways, I'm sure you're all wondering how I'm back on Earth for today's episode, and not in hell or some other crazy-ass place. Well you see, after last night's episode, I was kicked out of hell for annoying satan and all of the other demon's too much, and since neither Heaven nor Limbo wanted me, I was thrown back onto Earth! While this is mostly good news, my recent beloved cohost, Astaroth, unfortunately couldn't join me...But we're working on that, and as soon as I've found a perfect host for his evil flamboyant soul, he'll be back! And on that note; Piccolo, my former cohost, can you please come out here for a moment?
Piccolo - (walks out) I'm not rubbing your friggen bunions again you ape bastard.
Goku - Just hold still for ONE second! (chants a bunch of evil nonsense and does some crazy-arse hand movements)
Piccolo - What the f-ck are you-- (suddenly starts glowing and stops moving)
Goku - (grins) That should do it!
Piccolo - (rubs his head) Augh...My head...
Goku - Told ya I'd get ya here Asty!
Astaroth (in Piccolo's body) - Oh, you're such a dear, Goku! But this body? Green is so...90's! I think I'd look better in a bit of a pastel or...
Goku - You go do that then...
Astaroth - (leaving) This studio of yours is so yesterday! You've gotta jouge it up or something! (leaves)
Goku - (rubbing his head) Uh huh...You know, I wonder if there's any way to reverse that spell or something?
Director - Don't look at me. I'm not into that crazy sort of stuff.
Goku - Heh, that's not what Krillin told me--
Director - THAT LITTLE SCUMBAG KNOWS NOTHING!
Goku - (startled) Okay then...Well folks, for today's show, I'm going to be showing you how to make a rare and hard to find dish: the 'Guatemalan Bean Dip of Death'! This stuff is said to be so spicy, that it'll cause an instant stroke and heart attack just from tasting a drop of it!
Director - Then why in God's name would anyone even make it?
Goku - Eh, I guess if you're in a mood for something foreign or...Anywho, over to my counter! (walks over to his counter)
Man, you know, if there's one thing I actually really miss about hell, it's my flesh and organ encrusted shelving.
That stuff was REALLY nice!
Director - Well why don't you get your gay demon lover to do that?
Goku - Oh, he's too busy. He just got hired on a brand new TV show!
Director - Oh really? Have I heard of it?
Goku - Maybe. It's called 'Satanic Eye for the Straight Guy'. It's airing this week on channel six-sixty-six!
Director - Sounds interesting.
Goku - Yeah, well, it's supposed to be good. But anyways, I've gone off topic once again! The first thing you're going to need to make this horrendously spicy dish are some death peppers from Guatemala itself. To do so, you'll either have to travel down there, or specially order them through the internet. Though I really do recommend going there and taking in all of the breathtaking scenery and locales!
-(flashback in Guatemala)-
Goku - (getting cooked in a pot by a bunch of savages) Could you turn the heat down a tich? This sauna's getting mighty warm!
Savages - ...
-(back at the show)-
Goku - Now, once you've got said ingredients, make extra sure to handle them carefully. Even a mililitre of the juices inside of these suckers can cause instant death! So once you have them, strap on your necessary Hazmat apparel, and cut these suckers open! Now, the first thing you'll want to do is let the juices drip into your pot. Now, as common sense would indicate, make sure that you have an industrial strength cooking container that can handle high-level acids and the sort; otherwise, you'll have quite the mess to clean up!
Assistant - (walks back in) Dude, have you seen my sandwich anywhere?
Goku - I thought you quit!
Assistant - Well yeah, but I bought a hoggie over when I was getting you a coffee, and I forgot it here.
Goku - Uh...Just one moment...(grabs the assistant's hoggie and shoves a death pepper in it) Here you go!
Assistant - Thanks asswipe. (leaves)
Goku - Yeah, you just...Maybe now you'll think twice before burning my baloney stick!
Assistant - (bites down into the sandwich and walks away) Mmm! Spicy!
Goku - What the-- (looks down at the pepper label) These ARE Guatemalan death pepper's aren't they!
Director - That's what you said.
Goku - So help me God if those native's ripped me off-- Could we cut to a commercial for a second?
Director - Uh, we're not due for one for another five min--
Goku - (grabs the camera and puts his fist through it)
('Goku's Cooking Show' will return in a few minutes! Until then, have a snack!)
Director's Voice - YOU IDIOT, THAT WAS A $60,000 DOLLAR CAMERA!
Goku's Voice - I wipe my ass with $60,000 dollars!
(And now we're back!)
Goku - (flipping the director off) Grrrrrrrrr...Welcome back. As it turns out, I was in fact NOT given 'Guatemalan Pepper's of Death', but rather, 'Indonesian Pussy Paprika'...
Director - (struggling not to laugh)
Goku - And I wonder who screwed that up? Hmmmm, whoever could it be...
Director - Hey, don't look at me; it was probably your demonic butt-buddy over there--
Goku - YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS! (clears his throat) Anyways, let's just skip to today's desert of choice,
shall we? While I'm showing you this next part, my assistant's will 'hopefully' manage to successfully make a batch of 'Death Dip' for later...Okay...Today's desert recipe of choice is that of 'Midget Sorbet'. All you need to make this is one midget and a bunch of ice-cream. Let's get started.
Krillin - (strapped to a chair) No Goku, I'm begging you, DON'T DO THI--
Goku - (incinerates Krillin) Now, once you've fried your midget, just slice him up and spread his body parts all over the cream.
Krillin - I'm still alive you know.
Goku - That's the point. (takes out a huge butcher knife and starts carving Krillin up)
Krillin - OH SWEET GO--
(And now for a conviently placed commercial!)
Voice - Do you suffer from extremely painful hemorrhoids? Does it feel like a termite-farm is stuck up your ass whenever you sit down? Then get all new 'Doctor Affenschwance's Rhoid Be-Gone'! Proven effective in over 90 of cases!
Quick Voice - We cannot guarantee this.
(And now back to the show!)
Goku - (covered in blood and guts) Welcome back! Now that we're finished dismembering and dispering Krillin's body, let's go back over to our crack-team and see how the dip is coming along. (walks over) Hey guys, how's everything go--
Cracked Out Team Guy #1 - (swaying back and forth)
Cracked Out Team Guy #2 - (twirling his head around)
Cracked Out Team Guy #3 - (humping a desk)
Goku - WHAT THE-- (looks over at the director)
Director - (laughing) What?
Goku - I SAID A 'CRACK-TEAM'! NOT A TEAM ON CRACK!
Director - (hysterically) You...You gotta explain these things better!
Goku - Jesus Chri-- (rubs his forhead) Fine, let's just fastforward to dinner then, where things will hopefully be a little more 'organized'!
Director - You got it. (flips the switch)
Goku - (getting humped by one of the cracked out guys) And get rid of these freaks!
-(later on at dinner)-
Goku - You keep your mouths shut, you don't do any stupid, and this'll all be over quick! Huh? I'm on? Oh! Hello again!
And welcome to my annual dinner get-together! I'm sure you already know my guests well enough; Vegeta, Bulma,
Gohan, and my lovely wife, Chichi. I'm also sure you're wondering how they're alive and sitting here when they were turned to dust last episode, but hey, it's not like we've got any continuity going over here anyways, so what the hell. Now everyone relax as I go out and fetch the dip!
(everyone is strapped to their chairs and gagged)
Goku - (emerges from the kitchen in a Hazmat suit carrying the bean dip in a toxic container) Everyone hungry!
(everyone screams in terror)
Goku - Good! (slams the container down on the table violently) Let's eat! Now before we go any further, let me remind all of you at home that you should at least have enough industrial-grade utensils, and a spoonful of Epicac before consuming! And with all that said: bottoms up! (takes his bowl of death dip and swallows it in one huge gulp)
Director - ...
Goku - Hmmmm, has a nice tangy flavour...A nice punch to it...Though I'm not really feeling the whole 'death' thing of it yet!...Er...(suddenly bursts into flames and melts into a puddle)
Director - I'm guessing you do now...
Goku - ...
Director - Well, I guess that concludes this episode of 'Goku's Life-Threatening Cooking Tips'...That was Goku, and goodnight!
Goku - (still a puddle) (slithers onto the table) No! I'm not done yet!
Director - What the he--
Goku - My guests still haven't tried any! Mouths open!
(all the guests scream and desperately try to keep their mouths shut)
Goku - I SAID OPEN DAMNIT!
Director - Why don't you just skip to desert already!
Goku - Good idea...Asty, show our guests what delectable confectionary we have for desert tonight!
Astaroth - Certainly! 'Midget a la Creme'! (holds out a platter of ice-cream, which has Krillin's body parts all over it)
(all of the guests have a heart attack and die from shock)
Goku - Wow! I heard this stuff was to die for, but this is just ridiculous!
Director - Goku, for the love of God...
Goku - Well, I guess that REALLY concludes today's episode! I'm 'melted Goku' and this has been my show. I hope you enjoyed it more than I did, cause I really want to kill somebody right about now. Tune in next time for more useless crap and screw-ups, and-- Oh, f-ck it, I'm off to get drunk! (leaves)
Director - I hear ya. (leaves)
Astaroth - Well, I guess it's just you and me then...
(long silence)