Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Goku's Cooking Tips ❯ Episode Nine ( Chapter 9 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: ultravegeta 
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.23.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 219 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.23.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 219 | Status: Work In Progress
Director - Well hello there. As I'm sure you already know, I'm the director of 'Goku's Cooking Tips', and I'll be filling in for our host Goku today since he's busy off having a massive quadruple bypass or something...(one two many baloney smoothies). I know this may seem odd and is probably dissapointing to most of you, but hey, you gotta make do with what you've got, right? Now for today's 'special' episode, we'll be making something with no remote relation or similarity to baloney. That's right folks, NO BALONEY! Now, if you'll join me over at the nearby counter, I'll tell you what we'll be cooking toda--
Goku - (comes barging in with a hospital gown and a huge hole in his chest) ARE WE ON!
Director - Wha-- GOKU!
Goku - (rips his gown off, rendering him totally naked) Jesus Christ, I TOLD those f---ing surgeons back at the hospital to get the bypass done before 5pm, but they never listen! Bunch of no good, useless...
Director - Uh...Your chest?...
Goku - Oh yeah, that. I was in such a hurry that I just left during the middle of my surgery. But hey, I'm totally fi-
(collapses and stops moving)
Director - ...
Astaroth - Oh, my poor Goku!
Korrin - (from nowhere) Here, have this senzu bean! (throws a bean at Goku)
Goku - Oh, thank you Korr-- (gets the bean right in the eye) OWWW! JESUS F(beep)ING MURPHEY!
Korrin - Damnit, I knew I shouldn't have had that drink before coming here...
Goku - (getting up slowly) Augh...Well, it seems that I'm all better now everyone. So I might as well get started with todays show! (walks slowly over to his counter) Man...(rubs his head) (notices the director) What are you doing here?
Director - I--
Goku - GET THE HELL OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU RAT BASTARD, GOOD FOR NOTHING, FINK-FACED PR--
('Goku's Cooking Show' is brought to you by the underworld. Your soul is safe in their hands!)
Goku - (with a dirty look on his face)...This is 'my' territory.
Director - I--
Goku - If I ever catch you back here again, so help me God, I'll take one of these cooking spoons here and ram it so far up your ass that you'll-- Oh, hello folks! (throws the spoon down) (to the Director) You remember what I told you.
Well then, today I'll be showing you all how to make my latest and highly revered dish; Baloney Kabobs! Easy to make aaaaaaaaaand delicious to eat!
Director - You and sharp objects? That's like begging for a disaster--
Goku - Like I was saying, all you're going to need to make this simple treat are some kabob sticks (extra sharp is better,
and some barbequed baloney. Now, I've already gone out at purchased the sticks, so all that's left is to cook the meat. Join me out in the backyard, won't you?
Director - Backyard?...
Goku - ...Out by the dumpster...
-(moments later out back)-
Goku - (with a chefs hat on) Aaahhh, the great outdoors! Doesn't the air just smell great!
Director - Goku, you're standing in front of a garbage container filled with rotten food and fecal matter.
Goku - Like I said, doesn't it just smell great. Now, the first thing you want to do before grilling your meat, is to set the BBQ to a moderate level. Too high and your baloney will become 'dryaloney'!
Director - (shakes his head in shame)...
Goku - Now once you've got that done, you just slap your meat slices on the grill and let 'er cook! While these babies are gettin' ready, I'll show you my desert of the day; 'Dumpster Treats'! All you need for this is one moderately sized industrial grade dumpster, and some tongs! Then all you do is take them and fish around in the garbage and eat whatever you pull out!
Director - ...
Goku - Let's try, shall we? (reachs in and ends up pulling out a dirty diaper) Oh...great...
Director - Well Goku, do what you said.
Goku - ...
Director - Eat that sucker up!
Goku - (shakes his head)
Director - Come on! What kind of show is it when the host himself doesn't even do what he teaches! That's just bad manners. Why,
if I didn't know better, I'd say you were an absolute cowar--
Goku - ALRIGHT!
Director - (smirks)
Goku - (slowly places the diaper near his face) (takes a whiff of it)
(silence)
Director - ...?
Goku - (suddenly pukes) BLLLEUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH--
(We're sorry, but 'Goku's Cooking Show' is experiencing some minor technical difficulties right now. Stay tuned.)
(the show returns)
Goku - (looking violently ill and with puke all the way down his BBQ bib) I hate you...
Director - Hey, you were the one dumpster diving in the first place!
Goku - (shows the director the finger) Oh, welcome back...Now that I've finished puking my brains out and these baloney slices are done, lets go back into the studio and prepare the kabobs. (slowly leaves)
(silence)
Director - (looks both ways) (goes in front of the camera) Hey, watch this. (sneaks up behind Goku)
-(back in the studio)-
Goku - Now that we're back in here, we can finally do--
Director - (from behind Goku) HIYYYAAAAAA! (slaps Goku on the back)
Goku - (projectile vomits all over the place) BLLLAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--
(We aplogize for the millionth time, but we are currently experiencing more technical difficult--
(sounds of Goku violently puking and the Director laughing loudly)
Goku - IT'S NOT FUNNY!
-(and now we return!)-
Goku - Don't you ever do that again!
Director - It had to be done...
Goku - SHUT UP! (scoffs) Now then, where was I?-- Oh yes, the kabob's. This next part should be pretty self explanitory, you just take the fried meat and jam it onto these skewers like so-- (stabs the meat onto the kabobs, along with both of his hands in the process) OH MY GOD!
Director - (slaps Goku on the back again)
Goku - (starts puking again) BLEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Director - (falls out of his chair laughing)
-(later on at dinner)-
Goku - (in a wheelchair) (wheels himself out to the main table) Hello again everyone, and welcome to yet another one of my dinner gettogethers. You all already know my asswipe guests I'm sure, so let's just get on with the f---ing kabobs.
(wheels into the kitchen)
Vegeta - Now's our chance.
Chichi - Right.
Goku - (comes back out) Alrighty then, who wants some-- (gets lynched by Vegeta, Bulma, Chichi, and Gohan)
Vegeta - THAT'S FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU HORSE WHIPPED ME!
Bulma - AND THAT'S FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU ELECTROCUTED ME!
Chichi - AND THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE TIMES YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME AN ORGA--
(sound of a record scratching)
(everyone stops beating on Goku and stares at Chichi)
Chichic - ...Uh...
Director - Hello ratings!
Author - Hello shamelessness!
Goku - (in a daze)...Kabob?...
(everyone laughs and the house explodes for no apparent reason whatsoever)
THE END OF THIS HORRIFIC INSTALLMENT!
Goku - (comes barging in with a hospital gown and a huge hole in his chest) ARE WE ON!
Director - Wha-- GOKU!
Goku - (rips his gown off, rendering him totally naked) Jesus Christ, I TOLD those f---ing surgeons back at the hospital to get the bypass done before 5pm, but they never listen! Bunch of no good, useless...
Director - Uh...Your chest?...
Goku - Oh yeah, that. I was in such a hurry that I just left during the middle of my surgery. But hey, I'm totally fi-
(collapses and stops moving)
Director - ...
Astaroth - Oh, my poor Goku!
Korrin - (from nowhere) Here, have this senzu bean! (throws a bean at Goku)
Goku - Oh, thank you Korr-- (gets the bean right in the eye) OWWW! JESUS F(beep)ING MURPHEY!
Korrin - Damnit, I knew I shouldn't have had that drink before coming here...
Goku - (getting up slowly) Augh...Well, it seems that I'm all better now everyone. So I might as well get started with todays show! (walks slowly over to his counter) Man...(rubs his head) (notices the director) What are you doing here?
Director - I--
Goku - GET THE HELL OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU RAT BASTARD, GOOD FOR NOTHING, FINK-FACED PR--
('Goku's Cooking Show' is brought to you by the underworld. Your soul is safe in their hands!)
Goku - (with a dirty look on his face)...This is 'my' territory.
Director - I--
Goku - If I ever catch you back here again, so help me God, I'll take one of these cooking spoons here and ram it so far up your ass that you'll-- Oh, hello folks! (throws the spoon down) (to the Director) You remember what I told you.
Well then, today I'll be showing you all how to make my latest and highly revered dish; Baloney Kabobs! Easy to make aaaaaaaaaand delicious to eat!
Director - You and sharp objects? That's like begging for a disaster--
Goku - Like I was saying, all you're going to need to make this simple treat are some kabob sticks (extra sharp is better,
and some barbequed baloney. Now, I've already gone out at purchased the sticks, so all that's left is to cook the meat. Join me out in the backyard, won't you?
Director - Backyard?...
Goku - ...Out by the dumpster...
-(moments later out back)-
Goku - (with a chefs hat on) Aaahhh, the great outdoors! Doesn't the air just smell great!
Director - Goku, you're standing in front of a garbage container filled with rotten food and fecal matter.
Goku - Like I said, doesn't it just smell great. Now, the first thing you want to do before grilling your meat, is to set the BBQ to a moderate level. Too high and your baloney will become 'dryaloney'!
Director - (shakes his head in shame)...
Goku - Now once you've got that done, you just slap your meat slices on the grill and let 'er cook! While these babies are gettin' ready, I'll show you my desert of the day; 'Dumpster Treats'! All you need for this is one moderately sized industrial grade dumpster, and some tongs! Then all you do is take them and fish around in the garbage and eat whatever you pull out!
Director - ...
Goku - Let's try, shall we? (reachs in and ends up pulling out a dirty diaper) Oh...great...
Director - Well Goku, do what you said.
Goku - ...
Director - Eat that sucker up!
Goku - (shakes his head)
Director - Come on! What kind of show is it when the host himself doesn't even do what he teaches! That's just bad manners. Why,
if I didn't know better, I'd say you were an absolute cowar--
Goku - ALRIGHT!
Director - (smirks)
Goku - (slowly places the diaper near his face) (takes a whiff of it)
(silence)
Director - ...?
Goku - (suddenly pukes) BLLLEUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHH--
(We're sorry, but 'Goku's Cooking Show' is experiencing some minor technical difficulties right now. Stay tuned.)
(the show returns)
Goku - (looking violently ill and with puke all the way down his BBQ bib) I hate you...
Director - Hey, you were the one dumpster diving in the first place!
Goku - (shows the director the finger) Oh, welcome back...Now that I've finished puking my brains out and these baloney slices are done, lets go back into the studio and prepare the kabobs. (slowly leaves)
(silence)
Director - (looks both ways) (goes in front of the camera) Hey, watch this. (sneaks up behind Goku)
-(back in the studio)-
Goku - Now that we're back in here, we can finally do--
Director - (from behind Goku) HIYYYAAAAAA! (slaps Goku on the back)
Goku - (projectile vomits all over the place) BLLLAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--
(We aplogize for the millionth time, but we are currently experiencing more technical difficult--
(sounds of Goku violently puking and the Director laughing loudly)
Goku - IT'S NOT FUNNY!
-(and now we return!)-
Goku - Don't you ever do that again!
Director - It had to be done...
Goku - SHUT UP! (scoffs) Now then, where was I?-- Oh yes, the kabob's. This next part should be pretty self explanitory, you just take the fried meat and jam it onto these skewers like so-- (stabs the meat onto the kabobs, along with both of his hands in the process) OH MY GOD!
Director - (slaps Goku on the back again)
Goku - (starts puking again) BLEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Director - (falls out of his chair laughing)
-(later on at dinner)-
Goku - (in a wheelchair) (wheels himself out to the main table) Hello again everyone, and welcome to yet another one of my dinner gettogethers. You all already know my asswipe guests I'm sure, so let's just get on with the f---ing kabobs.
(wheels into the kitchen)
Vegeta - Now's our chance.
Chichi - Right.
Goku - (comes back out) Alrighty then, who wants some-- (gets lynched by Vegeta, Bulma, Chichi, and Gohan)
Vegeta - THAT'S FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU HORSE WHIPPED ME!
Bulma - AND THAT'S FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU ELECTROCUTED ME!
Chichi - AND THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE TIMES YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME AN ORGA--
(sound of a record scratching)
(everyone stops beating on Goku and stares at Chichi)
Chichic - ...Uh...
Director - Hello ratings!
Author - Hello shamelessness!
Goku - (in a daze)...Kabob?...
(everyone laughs and the house explodes for no apparent reason whatsoever)
THE END OF THIS HORRIFIC INSTALLMENT!