Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Life Through the Looking Glass ❯ Love Lost to Understanding ( Chapter 23 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Chapter 23: Love Lost to Understanding

Have your eyes ever just opened up to the world around you? You realize how hurtful life really is. That you cannot act like the little child you always are, but that you need to change. It is time to grow-up and live life the way it was intended to live. Day to day acting as if you are fully grow, an adult that you were never meant to be. Living a life you were never meant to live. A life of tears, disappointment, and pain. Suffering. It’s a part of life no one cares to accept, but one day every one does come to terms with it. That human beings loose and their hearts are broken. They say that a day comes when a girls eyes just open, and she sees the world anew. But what if you had to see it from another’s eyes?

The next day at school was horrible. Well, actually, that was my prediction of what was going to happen. To tell you the truth, I haven’t even made it to school. I was still at home, afraid of what to do. I was ready for school. At least I had done that. But getting from my house to my car was another adventure. I knew that once I did I would have to go. I was afraid. For the second time in my life I was truly afraid. The other when I was waiting for Trunks to speak after I had told him the truth. His silence really killed me. But now, it was my own that was killing me. I knew there was only one thing to do. Slowly, I reminded myself. Little by little. One step at a time. He may not even be at school. He may have stayed home today. Too ashamed of me. Maybe even of himself. Admitting he loved someone like me. Loved? Why him? Him of all people had to be perfect. And him of all people had to be ashamed of me. This, I reminded myself, was why I never trusted anyone but a select few. And now, I was sure I didn’t even want them to be near me. Maybe I should just stay home. Then I won’t see him for sure. I wasn’t sure if I wanted that.

‘Nothing I can do now,’ I thought to myself as I finally sat down in my old, rusted car. I put the key in the ignition and started the engine. I pulled out of the garage and out of the driveway, making my way slowly to school afraid of what was to come.

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I walked from my car to the front of the school slowly. As always, there were eyes on me. Watching me, waiting for me to screw up so they could laugh. And I knew that if I didn’t trip, or drop my things, then someone would make sure that there was a laugh I could produce from everyone. But that didn’t matter right now. That wasn’t even on my mind. I knew someone would come and say something to me soon, but I didn’t care. I tried to focus my eyes, looking for one thing. One person to be more specific. Hoping against hope that he was here, and yet, part of me would be happy if he wasn’t.

I silently made it to my locker and put my books away, keeping only the few I would need for my morning classes. Knowing that I would see Trunks soon. He was in my first class, and I didn’t really expect to see him before then, if he was here that is. But luck just wasn’t on my side. I looked to my left and saw a sight that made me cringe. Trunks had his arm around Marron, following her like a lost puppy. And unfortunately for the both Trunks and I, she was walking towards me. I could see his hesitation before she was even ten yards away from me. He knew who I was, and the memories of that night came back to me.

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When Trunks and I finally pulled away, we were both breathless. After a minute of the two of us trying to catch our breaths he smiled and looked down at me as I still sat in his lap.

“Is that what’s had you so quiet all night? Cause if it is, then you should know that I love you too,” Trunks said trying to kiss me again, thinking everything was alright. For the second time that night I had to stop him. Damn, I hated this. I loved him so much.

“No Trunks, that’s not what I’ve been worried about. Well, I mean it was, but only small in comparison to what I have to tell you Trunks.”

I was scared. My entire body was shaking, and it wasn’t from the cold. I didn’t even know if it was cold, I couldn’t feel anything at that moment. I was about to lay my heart on the line, for the first time in my life, and everything, all of my instincts, human and saiyan, told me not to do what I was about to do. Reveal a weakness. My hatred, my confusion, and all the secrets I kept inside for the longest time. From him, and from myself. “I love you Trunks.”

“I love you too Carina,” Trunks looked at me in question. “I just told you I love you.” His words hurt me. “I know it’s a little shocking, I mean,” They hurt so much. Here I was about to break his heart and…“ I’ve never said I loved anyone before…”

“SHUT-UP!!!” I couldn’t take it anymore. He had never said he loved anyone. The whole time, I was looking him in the eyes, and I could not find one hint of him lying to me. He truly did love me. Maybe I didn’t really love him. Hurting him like this. Maybe I deserved whatever pain he decided to give me. He had faith in me, I could see that. He trusted me with his heart, and only moments after his confession, I was going to leave it up to him to decide what was going to happen. Was I truly that coldhearted? Maybe there was a reason why I was suffering these last few years. Maybe some god knew I was going to hurt him, and decided that this pain was nothing in comparison to what he would go through. The betrayal that would surely endow his being would be enough to consume his soul. And all because of me.

“I’m not who you think I am.” I said, trying to will my voice to speak. That was the only thing able to come out of my mouth. If only I didn’t have to tell him. But he would find out sooner or later. And I didn’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have. Waiting longer will just be more painful…for both of us.

“What are you talking about?” Trunks asked as his arms grew tighter around my waist. He stared into my eyes. Not a glance, and not just paying mild attention. He was staring into them, as if they were his lifeline. “I know exactly who you are. You’re my fiancé. The love of my life.”

Tears streaked down my face as he said this. I knew he meant it. And this is what killed me. I nuzzled my head into the crook of his neck and slowly brought my arms around myself. Begging the voices inside my head to stop. One telling me yes, the other telling me no. I didn’t need this. I was hurting enough as it was.

“Carina, what’s wrong?” he asked me. Hurting me more and more every time he used that name. “Carina?” I knew he didn’t meant to hurt me, but he was. “Carina, what’s wrong, please tell me.” Just great, he was begging me now. He was really worried about me. What was I to do? I couldn’t take it, him calling me by that name. It wasn’t my name. It wasn’t who I was. It was who he wanted me to be. I couldn’t be that anymore.

“Carina?” he practically begged. No more! No more! No more! No more! No more! “Carina?” I could hear the tension in his voice. Just making the guilt in me grow. His voice was a trigger to my emotions and he was setting them off. If only he would stop. “Carina?” I could see the tears, the power of his eyes. I just couldn’t take it anymore. “Carina?!?!” he was gripping me harder and I burst!

“Stop it!!!” I almost shouted. “Stop calling me that.” I was breathing hard. I wanted to tell him but my voice was caught in my throat.

“What should I call you then?” Trunks asked again confused. I could tell that he was just getting more and more worried.

“Anything…anything but Carina,” I choked out.

“Why don’t you want me to call you Carina?”

“Because that’s not who I am. I’m tired of everyone wanting me to be Carina. That’s not who I am and that’s not who I want to be,” I whispered burying my face into the crook of his neck, desperately trying to hide my face from him. I began crying and my body started to convulse. I knew what his next question would be, but I didn’t want to answer it. But I knew I had to, and I knew I wanted to know what he would say. I needed to know what his reaction would be. When I began to calm down, for his sake at least, I stood up. Trunks stood with me and wrapped his arms around me. I looked in his eyes, and then he asked the question I was afraid to answer.

“Then who are you?” Four words. The answer to these four words sealed my fate. The answer he was seeking, yet not seeking, passed through my lips somehow, and his entire _expression changed. First to confusion, then realization, stunned, then to one of hurt, betrayal, and finally hate.

“Pan. Just call me Pan.” His reaction told me everything that I would need to know. That it was over between us, and that he didn’t want anything to do with me, and with that, he turned and slowly walked away from me. And out of my life.

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For so long, all of my readers wanted to know what happened to Trunks and I. These are the events of my life. My diary, my life, my future, and I see now that my future is empty. I had everything set out in my mind. He would accept me, we would get married, and we would live happily ever after. My mind was so set on this thought that, I didn’t see the truth of what the consequences could be. This is my life, this is my pain, and I thought I was in complete bliss. But it was John Milton that said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.” And after my experience, I came to the conclusion that Trunks was my Hell.

Thanks for reading, and please review.
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