Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Patience ❯ Dream ( Chapter 14 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: pixelgoddess 
Ch14-Goku has another dream, . Will it hurt or help?
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Shounen / Angst / Romance | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 10.24.2008 | Updated On: 10.24.2008 | Pages: 5 | Words: 6.1K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Work In Progress
Ch14-Goku has another dream, . Will it hurt or help?
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Shounen / Angst / Romance | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 10.24.2008 | Updated On: 10.24.2008 | Pages: 5 | Words: 6.1K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Work In Progress
Patience
By Pixelgoddess
Summary – Vegeta has had his eye on Goku for years, but isn’t willing to make the first move. Will either of them bend?
This started out life as a series of one-shots, with required sentences – first ‘Why did you stop?’, then ‘I’ve been waiting a long time for this’ and ‘You wouldn’t dare.’ Now look what has happened – it’s taken on a life of its own.
Pairings – oh please – I almost never write anything but Goku and Vegeta. What do you think?
Warnings – This is me you are talking about – expect smut and angst, pretty much in equal measure. With enough sap to thin it out. Goku/Vegeta. Sex. Kissing. Smut. Yaoi. (Does everyone know what that means?) And now that the cat is out of the bag – mpreg.
A disclaimer too? *sighs* Would I worry about paying my bills if I owned them? Hell, if I owned them, there would have been more naked Saiyans, more sex, Goku would have saved Vegeta, and the prince would have been the one to pound the lizard to a pulp.
Chapter 14 – Dream
Goku looked around in confusion, trying to get his bearings. After a moment of bewildered staring, he realized he had to be dreaming again. He climbed awkwardly to his feet and crossed over to where he was still asleep with Vegeta, arms and legs completely tangled, their bodies pressed together as if trying to fuse by contact.
“That’s certainly something to see.”
Goku snapped around at the voice, not sure if he had imagined it. “Chichi?” he asked hesitantly. She looked younger than when he had last seen her; long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail and bright laughing eyes he remembered from so long ago.
She smiled widely, “Of course.”
He rushed over and fell to his knees, wrapping himself around her, “Chichi! I missed you so much.” He breathed in her scent; as warm and sweet as he remembered.
She held him close, stroking his hair, just as she had always done when he was worried or upset. “It wasn’t my idea to leave you,” she murmured. She let him stay like that for a long time, comforting him even if she didn’t know why he needed it. His friends had never really understood her – she didn’t let many people see this side of her, so they didn’t think she was capable of it…kind of like Vegeta.
He sighed happily.
“Are you ready to stand up yet?” she asked with a little laugh.
“Yeah,” he said with a sheepish grin, releasing her to get to his feet. He hugged her again finally paying attention to her, and not just the idea of her. He stroked her back with his palm, enjoying the feel of her curves and muscles. Muscles? “Hey,” he said, pulling back to look at her, “You have muscles. You didn’t when you di--“ He stopped, not wanting to say the word and change this into another nightmare.
She laughed and flexed her arm, showing off. “I’ve got to keep in shape for the tournaments. I’m not at the top level, of course, but I have fun.”
“You’re in tournaments? How? You’re d—“
She held a finger to her lips and shushed him. “This is a dream, right? Talking to you like this wouldn’t be allowed otherwise.”
“But…”
She ignored his confused interruption. “It doesn’t have to make sense. You’re dreaming,” she repeated with emphasis.
“But…”
“Agree,” she said, taking his face in her hands and making him nod his head. “I’m dreaming – say it.”
“I’m dreaming,” he repeated.
She smiled up at him. “See? That wasn’t so hard.”
He grinned back.
She looked over where he was sleeping with Vegeta and cocked her head. “How long have I been dead? I’ve lost track of time.”
“Eight years,” he said sadly. He loved her so much and when she had died he thought he’d never be happy again. Seeing her again reminded of that; what would he have done without Vegeta?
“Really?” She looked thoughtful. “It’s been a lot longer than that for me. How long have you and Vegeta…” she trailed off.
He wondered if she was going to get upset and start yelling at him. She’d been fine with Goten, but that was their son and entirely different circumstances - Goku and Chichi had been married. He knew a lot of humans had problems with their partners finding someone else, let alone someone of the same sex.
“A year,” he said hesitantly. He wasn’t ashamed of Vegeta, but he hated the idea of upsetting her. “We just had our first anniversary.”
“That’s nice,” she said with a little non-committal smile.
“Vegeta cooked dinner; he used one of your recipes,” he added, hoping she’d approve.
Chichi beamed, much to his surprise. “Vegeta cooked for you? That’s so romantic.”
“Yeah,” he smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. “I’m surprised you’re not upset.”
She cocked her head, confused. “What, for him using my recipe?”
He laughed a little that she would even think of that first. “No! That would be silly. I meant because of me being with Vegeta. I mean… I’m g-gay,” he finished, stumbling over the word. There – he had said it. But what if Chichi got mad? It wouldn’t change how he felt about Vegeta, but it would make him uncomfortable; he always tried to keep her happy. He didn’t always succeed, but at least he tried.
Chichi laughed, “No you’re not. It’s Vegeta the person you’re attracted to, not because he’s a guy.”
“But I…“ She didn’t seem upset – that was a good thing. And she hadn’t had any trouble with Goten over his constant stream of boyfriends. But Vegeta was a guy – and he was a guy – didn’t that make him--?
She crossed her arms and studied him. He recognized that pose; she was going to make him see ‘reason’. It was hard to disagree with her when she was being reasonable, even if he hadn’t agreed with her in the first place. “I’m serious Goku. Have you ever been attracted to any other male in your entire life? Looked at them and thought they were hot, or cute, or whatever? Did you ever want to kiss Yamcha or Tien or any of the hundreds of other fighters you knew?”
He shook his head, bewildered.
“It’s because it’s Vegeta, silly. You’ve been hooked on him forever. I knew that – but I trusted you to keep your marriage vows.”
“Oh. I never thought of it like that. Maybe you’re right,” he said thoughtfully.
“I suspect Saiyans are more flexible in their attractions – Gohan and Trunks certainly were, even if they did usually end up with women. You and Vegeta – it makes a kind of sense, don’t you think?”
He shrugged – he’d never considered it before. “I guess so…” he said hesitantly.
“You’re so open-minded I figured the two of you would get together after I died.” She studied his face. “But I didn’t think it would take you seven years. Was there anyone else, or were you alone that whole time?”
“You were alone for seven years while I was gone.” When he came back and realized how much he’d missed and how much he’d been missed he had felt so guilty. After that, he made sure he always came back home regularly even when he was doing intense training. He never wanted to put his family through that again.
“The circumstances weren’t the same. And I wasn’t completely alone; I had the boys. Your friends took care of me, too.” Goku saw she was getting upset, but was surprised to realize it was for him, not at him. “But what about you, Goku? Who took care of you?”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t so bad – I had spent a lot of time by myself as a kid, so I was used to it. And I wasn’t always alone – Piccolo was always available to talk to. Vegeta came over a lot to spar. We got to be good friends.”
Chichi smiled at him. “But it took some time for you and Vegeta to become lovers? I guess you weren’t ready yet.”
Goku blushed. It was embarrassing enough that Chichi saw them together like this, but somehow it was even worse to hear her say it.”You’re not upset though?”
She shrugged, looking thoughtfully over to where they were sleeping. “I’ve had a long time to get used to the idea. Come to think of it, it’s probably been longer than you’ve had. We had over 50 good years together; it isn’t fair of me to expect you to stay alone just because Saiyans live longer.” She made a wry grin, “And besides, I know that no woman could ever take my place.”
Goku grinned back. “Nope. None could.” They had talked about what he would do after she was gone, but he had always thought it was just talk. He never thought it would really apply to him or that she really meant it.
Chichi wandered over to the bed and flipped the covers back.
“Chichi!” he exclaimed, scandalized. What if Vegeta woke up? He could just imagine trying to explain this to him.
“What? You’re both still covered up enough to protect your dignity.”
“What are you doing?” What if she could see how pregnant he was – what then? Krillin didn’t know, but Gohan did. She didn’t say anything so maybe he shouldn’t either.
“Checking, of course. I want to make sure he’s taking good care of you.”
“Vegeta takes very good care of me,” he said, jerking the sheet back over their dignities.
She looked thoughtful. “He’s really changed since he first arrived, hasn’t he? That’s good. I like how he holds you,” she commented. “He must really love you to be so close and touch you like that.”
Goku looked back at their bodies now covered with the sheet. What was so special about how Vegeta held him? He lifted up the sheet and peered under it, checking. It looked the same as usual to him; one of Vegeta’s palms was pressed flat against his tailspot, the other against his cheek, fingers brushing through his hair.
“He likes to touch my face,” he said with a shrug. “I kind of like it.”
Chichi went to the other side of the bed, behind Vegeta, and tugged the sheet down again, although it was at least less than before. He made a yelp of protest; how was it he or Vegeta hadn’t woken up because of all of this activity?
“Oh shush,” she said. “You’re not going to wake up.”
He sighed; he never won fights when she was like this. Heck, she wasn’t even fighting, just being… nosy. He went to her side of the bed and looked at what had her so interested.
She poked the fingers of his sleeping self. “Did you hurt your hands? You’re not holding him right.”
“Huh?”
“Look,” she said prying one of his loose fists open. “They’re all curled up. You never held me like that.” She looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well you did for a little while when we first got married, but that was only a day or two. I think you were worried I’d break or vanish or something, but you got over it pretty quickly.”
He smiled remembering those early days; it had been so strange touching someone so soft – not at all like fighting. She’d seemed so fragile he’d been afraid she might break, but once he’d gotten over that things got so much better. “I liked to hold you.”
“I know,” she smiled back.
Goku frowned to himself as Chichi carefully opened his hands, placing them back on Vegeta. He wasn’t afraid of Vegeta breaking, so it was kind of weird that he held him like that. Why hadn’t Vegeta said anything?
“There, that’s better,” she said with a pleased smile, standing back to admire her work. Vegeta shifted and drew the sleeping Goku closer with a contented purr. “That’s so sweet,” she said happily.
Goku took the sheet and threw it over them. “That’s enough.” He looked at her and shook his head in amazement. He just couldn’t believe she was behaving like this. He was in bed with someone other than her…with a man…with Vegeta for gods’ sake. Shouldn’t she be…shouldn’t she be annoyed? Upset? Enraged? This happy acceptance was not what he expected.
“Are you sure you’re Chichi?” he finally asked in bewildered frustration.
She giggled. “Of course I am. I bet you thought I’d yell at you or something for being with Vegeta.”
He nodded, “Well…yeah.” That was the topic of some of his nightmares – not that he’d told Vegeta. He had believed she would be disappointed in him – and it was a huge surprise to find out he was wrong.
Chichi sighed. “I’ve had a long time to get used to it – I kind of suspected this would happen when I was still alive.”
“There was never anyone but you—”. He hoped she didn’t think he’d cheated on her with anyone, especially Vegeta.
“I believe you,” she interrupted. “But I’m gone now, and I want you to be happy and taken care of. We knew you would live a lot longer than I would and I don’t like the idea of you being alone all that time. If Vegeta makes you happy, then…” she trailed off.
“I still love you.”
“I never doubted it. I love you too.”
He wrapped his arms around her and drew her close, just enjoying holding her. After a few pleasant minutes, Chichi drew away.
“I have to leave soon.”
“Will I see you again?” Goku asked plaintively.
“No,” she shook her head, “Not like this. I’ll be around for a little while, but we won’t be able to talk like this again.”
Goku ducked his head, not wanting her to see how much this upset him.
“Son Goku,” she said sternly, “Don’t you dare start crying – if you do then I will too and we don’t have time.”
He took a deep breath and nodded his agreement.
“There. That’s better. Now listen to me – and that’s not something you do very often. It’s okay. It’s all okay. You can be with whomever you want. I want you to be with someone who will love you as much as I do and take care of you. If it’s Vegeta, it’s okay. You’ve done a lot of good things and you deserve to be happy. No one blames you for anything and your friends are not angry with you.”
“That’s what Vegeta says,” he whispered.
“Good. You should listen to Vegeta.” She took his hands and drew his fingers open. “No more holding back. Promise me.”
“I promise,” he whispered.
____________________________________
Goku slowly became aware he was back in his bed, Vegeta still wrapped around him. His eyes burned as he fought to blink back the tears. Chichi had been smiling, giving him last minute advice and comfort as she just…faded.
He looked at their bodies as much as he could while in Vegeta’s embrace. The sheets weren’t as he remembered from his dream, exposing much more of their bodies. One of Vegeta’s hands remained on his tailspot, but the other was wrapped around his shoulders. His arm was wrapped around one of Vegeta’s, hand curled up over the prince’s shoulder. He studied his fingers, somehow disturbed to find Chichi’s observation was real; his fingers were curled into a ball.
He pushed down the impulse to leap out of bed and instead gently extricated himself from the prince’s embrace. Vegeta mumbled and released him, used to his frequent awakenings throughout the night. In a moment, Vegeta was back asleep. Goku gazed at his face. He looked so peaceful and content. How did he do it? How had he gone from anger and hatred to an attentive and caring lover? And why did Goku feel like he was losing more of that ability every day?
He had been afraid he’d never be able to love anyone after Chichi died, so discovering Vegeta cared about him had been a huge relief. And now? Now he felt like he was doing everything wrong and he was going to lose that love too if he didn’t figure out what was wrong with him. And it was him, he was sure of it. His fault, his blame, his problem. There had to be a limit to Vegeta’s patience – he was sure to get tired of Goku’s failure to completely commit to him the way he deserved. Goku loved him, but it didn’t seem to be enough – or maybe it wasn’t the right kind of love. All he knew was he was afraid; if he didn’t solve his problems he was going to lose Vegeta.
He quietly went to their closet and pulled on a shirt and shoes. Glancing at the predawn light filtering through the window he grabbed a long coat; no sense in upsetting Vegeta even more by not staying warm enough. He went to the front door and quietly let himself out, heading to the nearby stream.
Wrapping his coat around his knees he leaned back against a conveniently sloped boulder. He held his hands up, studying his spread fingers, curling and uncurling them. Was Chichi right? Did the way he held Vegeta mean something? And why did he hold Vegeta like that? He’d never hugged anyone like that before.
Did this mean he didn’t mean it when he held Vegeta? No! He refused to believe that. He’d wanted to be friends with Vegeta soon after meeting him. No one else challenged and drove him to succeed harder than the prince did. And once they became friends he found himself wanting more. He was in love with Vegeta – every arrogant, egotistical, thoughtful, unreasonable, possessive, protective, aggravating, caring part of him.
He opened his hand and experimentally cupped his own cheek, resting against the curve of skin. Vegeta touched him like this all the time; had he ever done more than brush his knuckles against the prince? It was obvious Vegeta enjoyed it, why hadn’t he ever reciprocated?
“Kakarott?”
Goku looked up to see Vegeta coming his way, his face lit by the first glimmering of sunrise, his brow creased with concern. He handed Goku a blanket before settling beside him, shoulders touching.
“What’s wrong?”
Goku glanced over at him before giving a desolate shrug. “I had a dream.”
“A nightmare? You should have woken me up.”
He gave a tiny shake of his head and began spreading the blanket over them. “Not a nightmare. It was just… It was Chichi.”
“Ah,” Vegeta nodded, understanding.
“I think Dende broke some rules… I’ve never had dreams like that before. I mean…it was nice seeing everyone, but they were different from every other dream I’ve had.” He had suspicions before, but the changes in Chichi… There was only one place he was able to be in tournaments after he died, and that was Otherworld. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to know, or say anything, which was why she insisted he say he was dreaming. If he didn’t, would Dende be in trouble – because of him?
“I’m sure he had a very good reason.”
“I could be wrong…” If Dende had done it for him, it was a generous gift. Giving him the chance to talk to friends and family had quieted so many of his fears. Was that why he had done it? If so, he didn’t want to get him into trouble.
“What happened in your dream?”
“She saw us sleeping together, but she wasn’t upset.” He related what had been said, ducking his head in embarrassment as he related how she kept trying to look under the covers.
Vegeta shrugged, “I’m not completely surprised at her actions. That kind of voyeurism was rather common among Saiyan women.”
Goku looked at him in surprise, “You don’t mind?”
He made a wry grin, “Why should I? I would have thought you had realized by now how varied my tastes are. An audience is on that list.”
Goku swallowed hard, blushing at the image that brought to mind.
Vegeta grinned at his visible reaction before his expression changed to one of concern. “Is this why you’re out here? Because of her seeing us together in a dream?”
“No… She said...” He trailed off, curling and uncurling his hands, concentrating on keeping them open. “Do I hold you wrong?”
“What?” Vegeta looked bemused. “There’s no right way or wrong way.”
They fell silent. Goku was conscious of Vegeta watching him as he watched his own hands. Open. Close. Open. Close. What was wrong with him? He remembered touching Vegeta, exploring his skin with hesitant curiosity…but that seemed so long ago. Had he done that lately? He wondered if he was shrinking somehow – growing ever smaller. It seemed that way; like he was losing pieces and parts of himself and would someday just fade away and vanish. Somehow he knew he just needed to hold on to Vegeta, but he just didn’t seem to be able to.
“What if I am holding back?” he blurted.
Vegeta looked at him curiously, “Are you?”
“I don’t know…not on purpose,” he whispered, studying his fingers. “But what if I am?” Some part of him knew it was true – knew Chichi was right. She saw it so quickly and he never even realized it. He looked at Vegeta’s profile, struck by fear. “I’m going to lose you, aren’t I?”
Vegeta looked at the stream, not meeting his worried gaze. “I won’t…can’t leave you. If anything, I am in more danger of losing you.”
“I…I…” Goku felt tears welling up and spilling over at the realization Vegeta had actually thought about the possibility of them being apart. “Don’t say that. Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything. Just don’t…” He trailed off, not knowing what to say.
“I don’t know what to do to help you anymore, Kakarott. I’ve tried, but it has to come from you. You have to want to this,” he said in a low voice.
“I do,” he protested. ”But I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want you to be my mate – I love you.” He took a shaky breath. “But ever since I got pregnant I’ve become so afraid. I know I shouldn’t be, but… I don’t like being like this,” he finished miserably, using the blanket to wipe away tears that continued to fall unchecked.
Goku turned his head away as Vegeta looked at him. He didn’t want Vegeta to see him cry; he never cried and now he couldn’t seem to stop himself. It was too late though – Vegeta had seen. The prince’s gentle hand curved against his face and coaxed his gaze back, brushing away a tear.
“Kakarott, you have to stop doing this to yourself. You were always the most confident person I’ve known – why are you letting yourself be wracked by doubt now?”
“I don’t know,” he mumbled, leaning into the touch. ”I just feel like I’ve lost my balance or something.” He knew he was hurting his chances to be really happy again, but he seemed to have lost that ability; even when he was with Vegeta he felt alone.
“Why do you do this? I’ve told you repeatedly I won’t leave you – why can’t you believe it? Didn’t your recent dreams help you at all?” Vegeta shook his head, not meeting his eye, “Damn it, Kakarott,” he said without heat, “What does it take to get you to listen to me?”
“I do listen to you,” he protested, wiping away the last of his tears. Vegeta glanced at him, raising a questioning brow. “Well sometimes I do,” he corrected. “Chichi said I should.”
Vegeta snorted a laugh, “Kakarott, you have never listened to me.”
Goku stared at him, stricken. “That’s not…” He trailed off. He heard Vegeta through his ears, but to really hear him in his head… That had always been a problem; he’d never been able to before when his ability was working perfectly, so what made him think he would be able to now? Was he doomed to fail?
He had tried to hear – to feel Vegeta when he first arrived on earth and again on Namek. He had felt just a hint then – enough to know Vegeta was at heart a good man. After that… He had tried when they were preparing for the androids, but Vegeta had been angry then and had shut him out so thoroughly and harshly it hurt. He’d hardly attempted it after that; the painful rejection and blinding headache he’d earned had dissuaded him. “I tried, but you wouldn’t let me,” he said bitterly.
“Are we talking about the same thing?” Vegeta asked slowly, brow creased in thought.
Goku looked at him, suddenly confused; he had been so wrapped up in his thoughts he hadn’t been paying attention.
“Kakarott, did you hear me?”
“No!” Goku said, the word almost escaping as a frustrated wail. “I’ve never been able to – you wouldn’t let me. And now I can’t hear anyone at all, even though I could before.”
“I talk to you all the time…you’ve heard me then. What do you mean…when wouldn’t I let you?” Vegeta asked, bewildered.
“You don’t get it,” Goku sighed, finally realizing they were having two different conversations. It wasn’t Vegeta’s fault he didn’t understand. Maybe he didn’t even know what he had done. “Before – before we died…” It was strange, he thought, how he marked time by death. “I tried to feel...to hear you – the same way I did everyone else – but you blocked me. It hurt. Even when we became friends I couldn’t hear you.”
Vegeta stared at him in surprise, not answering him immediately. When he finally responded he looked unhappy. “I was a different person then; I just wasn’t ready. I hadn’t realized it had become a habit. I didn’t know, Kakarott. If I had, I would have let you in years ago. If I had, maybe things would be easier for you now.”
He felt guilty; he hadn’t meant to blame Vegeta. “It wasn’t your fault – you had a lot of stuff to deal with. I can understand not wanting to let anyone know by accident or something.” Goku shrugged sadly. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t hear anyone now.”
“But you can…you did. You heard the Nameks. Isn’t that something?”
“That was different. Dende made me…”
“Maybe he just made you listen.” Vegeta pulled the blanket off them and set it aside before moving to sit between Goku’s legs. He watched curiously as the prince brushed gentle fingertips over his palms, coaxing his hands open. His hands were gently lifted and guided until they rested on either side of Vegeta’s head.
“Kakarott,” he whispered, “Listen to me. Hear me.”
“I can’t.” Goku looked at Vegeta, seeing his pleading look, still afraid. What if he tried and failed – what then? He had this horrible feeling of running out of time and he was wasting all his chances.
“You can. You are Kakarott – the first Super Saiyan in generations. You defeat unbeatable opponents. Consider this one more battle that you can win. Do this for us – for the sake of our child. I want you to.”
Goku closed his eyes, not wanting to meet his intense gaze.
“Please, Kakarott,” he whispered. “Please.”
Goku looked at his hands, fingers spread and palms against Vegeta’s head. Was it true? Had he been holding back without even realizing it? Could he do this – finally have what he’d wanted for so long? His eyes drifted back to Vegeta’s who met his before closing, looking exposed and vulnerable under Goku’s touch.
He brushed the fingertips of one hand over Vegeta’s face, tracing each feature: the broad expanse of his forehead, the nose that looked even more regal because of all of the times it had been broken, the soft eyelids hiding jet black eyes that could burn through him with just a glance, lips that were at once firm and soft, expressing so much passion with just a caress. This was his…could be his if he just got over his stupid fears and accepted what was offered.
“Vegeta…” he pleaded, not knowing what else to say. Lost. He felt so lost.
Vegeta gently brushed his lips against Goku’s fingertips in invitation. “You can do this.”
He swallowed, acutely aware just how much trust Vegeta was putting in him. The way Vegeta had positioned Goku’s hands had been on open invitation to touch his mind. He wasn’t sure how he knew that – maybe one of those weird little memories that sometimes floated to the surface – but what was important was that he knew.
He leaned forward, curling a hand around the back of Vegeta’s neck, hyper aware of the way his fingers lay against warm flesh. Remembering how much closer he felt to Vegeta during sex, he gently pressed his lips against Vegeta’s. Vegeta kissed him back, just as gently, strong fingers combing through Goku’s hair, making him shiver in pleasure. Vegeta gave a pleased little purr and he matched it.
He knew he was stalling, focusing on the physical that he had control over and could enjoy. Realizing he had to try and move forward, still kissing Vegeta he tentatively tried to touch his mind, ready to pull away at the first hint of rejection. He wouldn’t reach in too far – he had to trust Vegeta not to let him go farther than he was comfortable with.
Within moments he realized he was actually making contact with a sense of a Vegeta – his first awareness in months. “Oh,” he breathed, experiencing a thrill of surprise at how simple that had been. He was there…he knew Vegeta was there.
“Kakarott,” Vegeta said, their lips still barely touching, “Trust me. I won’t reject you.”
Encouraged by the little success, Goku gently prodded at the hazy barrier with a mix of anticipation and trepidation, tinged with regret. Could he have had Vegeta for his mate all this time? He sensed Vegeta was there, aware of a voice that was whispers he couldn’t understand, but feeling tentatively triumphant – he heard something even if he couldn’t interpret it.
Heartened by this, he reminded himself how easy this used to be and screwed up his courage. “Don’t hold back,” he heard himself whisper, “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“Listen to me Kakarott.”
It was now or never; he took a deep breath and willed himself to really listen to Vegeta.
And then he heard it. Sound. He finally heard it. The deep rumble of Vegeta’s voice was in his ear before expanding to surround him. He heard his name and Vegeta’s concern for mate. Worry and affection and frustration and annoyance and possessiveness and jealousy and fear. There was desperation and loneliness – he had hurt the prince with his hesitation and fear just as he had known he would. But there was also admiration and pride and a huge swelling of relief. All these emotions and they were all directed at him – all because of him - all the mixed up, confusing, sometimes heartbreaking, emotions that went along with loving someone so completely.
He hiccupped a sob, completely overwhelmed by the intensity of feeling Vegeta had for him. No longer needing to touch Vegeta’s head in order to hear him, he wrapped himself tightly around Vegeta, his mate’s own arms embracing him just as completely. He heard Vegeta – he really heard Vegeta, and knew how the prince felt about him.
“How could I not have known?” he wept into his mate’s shoulder.
He understood now Vegeta’s unwillingness to use love to describe this feeling. It wasn’t enough – it was such a tiny little word. There weren’t enough letters – not enough sound to explain how it felt to know someone’s heart so completely.
“And to think I thought I was mated before,” Vegeta said bemusedly. “That was just a pale reflection of this.”
“Mmmm,” Goku said against his neck, not sure how to respond.
“I hadn’t realized this would happen, Kakarott,” Vegeta laughed and Goku felt a wave of his relief roll over them. “We’re feeding each other, making the feeling even stronger.”
Goku tried to pay attention, hearing how Vegeta’s happiness made him happy made Vegeta happy in a dizzying circle.
“Yes,” he breathed. “I can hear you. I can really hear you. You’re my mate.”
TBC
By Pixelgoddess
Summary – Vegeta has had his eye on Goku for years, but isn’t willing to make the first move. Will either of them bend?
This started out life as a series of one-shots, with required sentences – first ‘Why did you stop?’, then ‘I’ve been waiting a long time for this’ and ‘You wouldn’t dare.’ Now look what has happened – it’s taken on a life of its own.
Pairings – oh please – I almost never write anything but Goku and Vegeta. What do you think?
Warnings – This is me you are talking about – expect smut and angst, pretty much in equal measure. With enough sap to thin it out. Goku/Vegeta. Sex. Kissing. Smut. Yaoi. (Does everyone know what that means?) And now that the cat is out of the bag – mpreg.
A disclaimer too? *sighs* Would I worry about paying my bills if I owned them? Hell, if I owned them, there would have been more naked Saiyans, more sex, Goku would have saved Vegeta, and the prince would have been the one to pound the lizard to a pulp.
Chapter 14 – Dream
Goku looked around in confusion, trying to get his bearings. After a moment of bewildered staring, he realized he had to be dreaming again. He climbed awkwardly to his feet and crossed over to where he was still asleep with Vegeta, arms and legs completely tangled, their bodies pressed together as if trying to fuse by contact.
“That’s certainly something to see.”
Goku snapped around at the voice, not sure if he had imagined it. “Chichi?” he asked hesitantly. She looked younger than when he had last seen her; long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail and bright laughing eyes he remembered from so long ago.
She smiled widely, “Of course.”
He rushed over and fell to his knees, wrapping himself around her, “Chichi! I missed you so much.” He breathed in her scent; as warm and sweet as he remembered.
She held him close, stroking his hair, just as she had always done when he was worried or upset. “It wasn’t my idea to leave you,” she murmured. She let him stay like that for a long time, comforting him even if she didn’t know why he needed it. His friends had never really understood her – she didn’t let many people see this side of her, so they didn’t think she was capable of it…kind of like Vegeta.
He sighed happily.
“Are you ready to stand up yet?” she asked with a little laugh.
“Yeah,” he said with a sheepish grin, releasing her to get to his feet. He hugged her again finally paying attention to her, and not just the idea of her. He stroked her back with his palm, enjoying the feel of her curves and muscles. Muscles? “Hey,” he said, pulling back to look at her, “You have muscles. You didn’t when you di--“ He stopped, not wanting to say the word and change this into another nightmare.
She laughed and flexed her arm, showing off. “I’ve got to keep in shape for the tournaments. I’m not at the top level, of course, but I have fun.”
“You’re in tournaments? How? You’re d—“
She held a finger to her lips and shushed him. “This is a dream, right? Talking to you like this wouldn’t be allowed otherwise.”
“But…”
She ignored his confused interruption. “It doesn’t have to make sense. You’re dreaming,” she repeated with emphasis.
“But…”
“Agree,” she said, taking his face in her hands and making him nod his head. “I’m dreaming – say it.”
“I’m dreaming,” he repeated.
She smiled up at him. “See? That wasn’t so hard.”
He grinned back.
She looked over where he was sleeping with Vegeta and cocked her head. “How long have I been dead? I’ve lost track of time.”
“Eight years,” he said sadly. He loved her so much and when she had died he thought he’d never be happy again. Seeing her again reminded of that; what would he have done without Vegeta?
“Really?” She looked thoughtful. “It’s been a lot longer than that for me. How long have you and Vegeta…” she trailed off.
He wondered if she was going to get upset and start yelling at him. She’d been fine with Goten, but that was their son and entirely different circumstances - Goku and Chichi had been married. He knew a lot of humans had problems with their partners finding someone else, let alone someone of the same sex.
“A year,” he said hesitantly. He wasn’t ashamed of Vegeta, but he hated the idea of upsetting her. “We just had our first anniversary.”
“That’s nice,” she said with a little non-committal smile.
“Vegeta cooked dinner; he used one of your recipes,” he added, hoping she’d approve.
Chichi beamed, much to his surprise. “Vegeta cooked for you? That’s so romantic.”
“Yeah,” he smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. “I’m surprised you’re not upset.”
She cocked her head, confused. “What, for him using my recipe?”
He laughed a little that she would even think of that first. “No! That would be silly. I meant because of me being with Vegeta. I mean… I’m g-gay,” he finished, stumbling over the word. There – he had said it. But what if Chichi got mad? It wouldn’t change how he felt about Vegeta, but it would make him uncomfortable; he always tried to keep her happy. He didn’t always succeed, but at least he tried.
Chichi laughed, “No you’re not. It’s Vegeta the person you’re attracted to, not because he’s a guy.”
“But I…“ She didn’t seem upset – that was a good thing. And she hadn’t had any trouble with Goten over his constant stream of boyfriends. But Vegeta was a guy – and he was a guy – didn’t that make him--?
She crossed her arms and studied him. He recognized that pose; she was going to make him see ‘reason’. It was hard to disagree with her when she was being reasonable, even if he hadn’t agreed with her in the first place. “I’m serious Goku. Have you ever been attracted to any other male in your entire life? Looked at them and thought they were hot, or cute, or whatever? Did you ever want to kiss Yamcha or Tien or any of the hundreds of other fighters you knew?”
He shook his head, bewildered.
“It’s because it’s Vegeta, silly. You’ve been hooked on him forever. I knew that – but I trusted you to keep your marriage vows.”
“Oh. I never thought of it like that. Maybe you’re right,” he said thoughtfully.
“I suspect Saiyans are more flexible in their attractions – Gohan and Trunks certainly were, even if they did usually end up with women. You and Vegeta – it makes a kind of sense, don’t you think?”
He shrugged – he’d never considered it before. “I guess so…” he said hesitantly.
“You’re so open-minded I figured the two of you would get together after I died.” She studied his face. “But I didn’t think it would take you seven years. Was there anyone else, or were you alone that whole time?”
“You were alone for seven years while I was gone.” When he came back and realized how much he’d missed and how much he’d been missed he had felt so guilty. After that, he made sure he always came back home regularly even when he was doing intense training. He never wanted to put his family through that again.
“The circumstances weren’t the same. And I wasn’t completely alone; I had the boys. Your friends took care of me, too.” Goku saw she was getting upset, but was surprised to realize it was for him, not at him. “But what about you, Goku? Who took care of you?”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t so bad – I had spent a lot of time by myself as a kid, so I was used to it. And I wasn’t always alone – Piccolo was always available to talk to. Vegeta came over a lot to spar. We got to be good friends.”
Chichi smiled at him. “But it took some time for you and Vegeta to become lovers? I guess you weren’t ready yet.”
Goku blushed. It was embarrassing enough that Chichi saw them together like this, but somehow it was even worse to hear her say it.”You’re not upset though?”
She shrugged, looking thoughtfully over to where they were sleeping. “I’ve had a long time to get used to the idea. Come to think of it, it’s probably been longer than you’ve had. We had over 50 good years together; it isn’t fair of me to expect you to stay alone just because Saiyans live longer.” She made a wry grin, “And besides, I know that no woman could ever take my place.”
Goku grinned back. “Nope. None could.” They had talked about what he would do after she was gone, but he had always thought it was just talk. He never thought it would really apply to him or that she really meant it.
Chichi wandered over to the bed and flipped the covers back.
“Chichi!” he exclaimed, scandalized. What if Vegeta woke up? He could just imagine trying to explain this to him.
“What? You’re both still covered up enough to protect your dignity.”
“What are you doing?” What if she could see how pregnant he was – what then? Krillin didn’t know, but Gohan did. She didn’t say anything so maybe he shouldn’t either.
“Checking, of course. I want to make sure he’s taking good care of you.”
“Vegeta takes very good care of me,” he said, jerking the sheet back over their dignities.
She looked thoughtful. “He’s really changed since he first arrived, hasn’t he? That’s good. I like how he holds you,” she commented. “He must really love you to be so close and touch you like that.”
Goku looked back at their bodies now covered with the sheet. What was so special about how Vegeta held him? He lifted up the sheet and peered under it, checking. It looked the same as usual to him; one of Vegeta’s palms was pressed flat against his tailspot, the other against his cheek, fingers brushing through his hair.
“He likes to touch my face,” he said with a shrug. “I kind of like it.”
Chichi went to the other side of the bed, behind Vegeta, and tugged the sheet down again, although it was at least less than before. He made a yelp of protest; how was it he or Vegeta hadn’t woken up because of all of this activity?
“Oh shush,” she said. “You’re not going to wake up.”
He sighed; he never won fights when she was like this. Heck, she wasn’t even fighting, just being… nosy. He went to her side of the bed and looked at what had her so interested.
She poked the fingers of his sleeping self. “Did you hurt your hands? You’re not holding him right.”
“Huh?”
“Look,” she said prying one of his loose fists open. “They’re all curled up. You never held me like that.” She looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well you did for a little while when we first got married, but that was only a day or two. I think you were worried I’d break or vanish or something, but you got over it pretty quickly.”
He smiled remembering those early days; it had been so strange touching someone so soft – not at all like fighting. She’d seemed so fragile he’d been afraid she might break, but once he’d gotten over that things got so much better. “I liked to hold you.”
“I know,” she smiled back.
Goku frowned to himself as Chichi carefully opened his hands, placing them back on Vegeta. He wasn’t afraid of Vegeta breaking, so it was kind of weird that he held him like that. Why hadn’t Vegeta said anything?
“There, that’s better,” she said with a pleased smile, standing back to admire her work. Vegeta shifted and drew the sleeping Goku closer with a contented purr. “That’s so sweet,” she said happily.
Goku took the sheet and threw it over them. “That’s enough.” He looked at her and shook his head in amazement. He just couldn’t believe she was behaving like this. He was in bed with someone other than her…with a man…with Vegeta for gods’ sake. Shouldn’t she be…shouldn’t she be annoyed? Upset? Enraged? This happy acceptance was not what he expected.
“Are you sure you’re Chichi?” he finally asked in bewildered frustration.
She giggled. “Of course I am. I bet you thought I’d yell at you or something for being with Vegeta.”
He nodded, “Well…yeah.” That was the topic of some of his nightmares – not that he’d told Vegeta. He had believed she would be disappointed in him – and it was a huge surprise to find out he was wrong.
Chichi sighed. “I’ve had a long time to get used to it – I kind of suspected this would happen when I was still alive.”
“There was never anyone but you—”. He hoped she didn’t think he’d cheated on her with anyone, especially Vegeta.
“I believe you,” she interrupted. “But I’m gone now, and I want you to be happy and taken care of. We knew you would live a lot longer than I would and I don’t like the idea of you being alone all that time. If Vegeta makes you happy, then…” she trailed off.
“I still love you.”
“I never doubted it. I love you too.”
He wrapped his arms around her and drew her close, just enjoying holding her. After a few pleasant minutes, Chichi drew away.
“I have to leave soon.”
“Will I see you again?” Goku asked plaintively.
“No,” she shook her head, “Not like this. I’ll be around for a little while, but we won’t be able to talk like this again.”
Goku ducked his head, not wanting her to see how much this upset him.
“Son Goku,” she said sternly, “Don’t you dare start crying – if you do then I will too and we don’t have time.”
He took a deep breath and nodded his agreement.
“There. That’s better. Now listen to me – and that’s not something you do very often. It’s okay. It’s all okay. You can be with whomever you want. I want you to be with someone who will love you as much as I do and take care of you. If it’s Vegeta, it’s okay. You’ve done a lot of good things and you deserve to be happy. No one blames you for anything and your friends are not angry with you.”
“That’s what Vegeta says,” he whispered.
“Good. You should listen to Vegeta.” She took his hands and drew his fingers open. “No more holding back. Promise me.”
“I promise,” he whispered.
____________________________________
Goku slowly became aware he was back in his bed, Vegeta still wrapped around him. His eyes burned as he fought to blink back the tears. Chichi had been smiling, giving him last minute advice and comfort as she just…faded.
He looked at their bodies as much as he could while in Vegeta’s embrace. The sheets weren’t as he remembered from his dream, exposing much more of their bodies. One of Vegeta’s hands remained on his tailspot, but the other was wrapped around his shoulders. His arm was wrapped around one of Vegeta’s, hand curled up over the prince’s shoulder. He studied his fingers, somehow disturbed to find Chichi’s observation was real; his fingers were curled into a ball.
He pushed down the impulse to leap out of bed and instead gently extricated himself from the prince’s embrace. Vegeta mumbled and released him, used to his frequent awakenings throughout the night. In a moment, Vegeta was back asleep. Goku gazed at his face. He looked so peaceful and content. How did he do it? How had he gone from anger and hatred to an attentive and caring lover? And why did Goku feel like he was losing more of that ability every day?
He had been afraid he’d never be able to love anyone after Chichi died, so discovering Vegeta cared about him had been a huge relief. And now? Now he felt like he was doing everything wrong and he was going to lose that love too if he didn’t figure out what was wrong with him. And it was him, he was sure of it. His fault, his blame, his problem. There had to be a limit to Vegeta’s patience – he was sure to get tired of Goku’s failure to completely commit to him the way he deserved. Goku loved him, but it didn’t seem to be enough – or maybe it wasn’t the right kind of love. All he knew was he was afraid; if he didn’t solve his problems he was going to lose Vegeta.
He quietly went to their closet and pulled on a shirt and shoes. Glancing at the predawn light filtering through the window he grabbed a long coat; no sense in upsetting Vegeta even more by not staying warm enough. He went to the front door and quietly let himself out, heading to the nearby stream.
Wrapping his coat around his knees he leaned back against a conveniently sloped boulder. He held his hands up, studying his spread fingers, curling and uncurling them. Was Chichi right? Did the way he held Vegeta mean something? And why did he hold Vegeta like that? He’d never hugged anyone like that before.
Did this mean he didn’t mean it when he held Vegeta? No! He refused to believe that. He’d wanted to be friends with Vegeta soon after meeting him. No one else challenged and drove him to succeed harder than the prince did. And once they became friends he found himself wanting more. He was in love with Vegeta – every arrogant, egotistical, thoughtful, unreasonable, possessive, protective, aggravating, caring part of him.
He opened his hand and experimentally cupped his own cheek, resting against the curve of skin. Vegeta touched him like this all the time; had he ever done more than brush his knuckles against the prince? It was obvious Vegeta enjoyed it, why hadn’t he ever reciprocated?
“Kakarott?”
Goku looked up to see Vegeta coming his way, his face lit by the first glimmering of sunrise, his brow creased with concern. He handed Goku a blanket before settling beside him, shoulders touching.
“What’s wrong?”
Goku glanced over at him before giving a desolate shrug. “I had a dream.”
“A nightmare? You should have woken me up.”
He gave a tiny shake of his head and began spreading the blanket over them. “Not a nightmare. It was just… It was Chichi.”
“Ah,” Vegeta nodded, understanding.
“I think Dende broke some rules… I’ve never had dreams like that before. I mean…it was nice seeing everyone, but they were different from every other dream I’ve had.” He had suspicions before, but the changes in Chichi… There was only one place he was able to be in tournaments after he died, and that was Otherworld. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to know, or say anything, which was why she insisted he say he was dreaming. If he didn’t, would Dende be in trouble – because of him?
“I’m sure he had a very good reason.”
“I could be wrong…” If Dende had done it for him, it was a generous gift. Giving him the chance to talk to friends and family had quieted so many of his fears. Was that why he had done it? If so, he didn’t want to get him into trouble.
“What happened in your dream?”
“She saw us sleeping together, but she wasn’t upset.” He related what had been said, ducking his head in embarrassment as he related how she kept trying to look under the covers.
Vegeta shrugged, “I’m not completely surprised at her actions. That kind of voyeurism was rather common among Saiyan women.”
Goku looked at him in surprise, “You don’t mind?”
He made a wry grin, “Why should I? I would have thought you had realized by now how varied my tastes are. An audience is on that list.”
Goku swallowed hard, blushing at the image that brought to mind.
Vegeta grinned at his visible reaction before his expression changed to one of concern. “Is this why you’re out here? Because of her seeing us together in a dream?”
“No… She said...” He trailed off, curling and uncurling his hands, concentrating on keeping them open. “Do I hold you wrong?”
“What?” Vegeta looked bemused. “There’s no right way or wrong way.”
They fell silent. Goku was conscious of Vegeta watching him as he watched his own hands. Open. Close. Open. Close. What was wrong with him? He remembered touching Vegeta, exploring his skin with hesitant curiosity…but that seemed so long ago. Had he done that lately? He wondered if he was shrinking somehow – growing ever smaller. It seemed that way; like he was losing pieces and parts of himself and would someday just fade away and vanish. Somehow he knew he just needed to hold on to Vegeta, but he just didn’t seem to be able to.
“What if I am holding back?” he blurted.
Vegeta looked at him curiously, “Are you?”
“I don’t know…not on purpose,” he whispered, studying his fingers. “But what if I am?” Some part of him knew it was true – knew Chichi was right. She saw it so quickly and he never even realized it. He looked at Vegeta’s profile, struck by fear. “I’m going to lose you, aren’t I?”
Vegeta looked at the stream, not meeting his worried gaze. “I won’t…can’t leave you. If anything, I am in more danger of losing you.”
“I…I…” Goku felt tears welling up and spilling over at the realization Vegeta had actually thought about the possibility of them being apart. “Don’t say that. Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything. Just don’t…” He trailed off, not knowing what to say.
“I don’t know what to do to help you anymore, Kakarott. I’ve tried, but it has to come from you. You have to want to this,” he said in a low voice.
“I do,” he protested. ”But I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want you to be my mate – I love you.” He took a shaky breath. “But ever since I got pregnant I’ve become so afraid. I know I shouldn’t be, but… I don’t like being like this,” he finished miserably, using the blanket to wipe away tears that continued to fall unchecked.
Goku turned his head away as Vegeta looked at him. He didn’t want Vegeta to see him cry; he never cried and now he couldn’t seem to stop himself. It was too late though – Vegeta had seen. The prince’s gentle hand curved against his face and coaxed his gaze back, brushing away a tear.
“Kakarott, you have to stop doing this to yourself. You were always the most confident person I’ve known – why are you letting yourself be wracked by doubt now?”
“I don’t know,” he mumbled, leaning into the touch. ”I just feel like I’ve lost my balance or something.” He knew he was hurting his chances to be really happy again, but he seemed to have lost that ability; even when he was with Vegeta he felt alone.
“Why do you do this? I’ve told you repeatedly I won’t leave you – why can’t you believe it? Didn’t your recent dreams help you at all?” Vegeta shook his head, not meeting his eye, “Damn it, Kakarott,” he said without heat, “What does it take to get you to listen to me?”
“I do listen to you,” he protested, wiping away the last of his tears. Vegeta glanced at him, raising a questioning brow. “Well sometimes I do,” he corrected. “Chichi said I should.”
Vegeta snorted a laugh, “Kakarott, you have never listened to me.”
Goku stared at him, stricken. “That’s not…” He trailed off. He heard Vegeta through his ears, but to really hear him in his head… That had always been a problem; he’d never been able to before when his ability was working perfectly, so what made him think he would be able to now? Was he doomed to fail?
He had tried to hear – to feel Vegeta when he first arrived on earth and again on Namek. He had felt just a hint then – enough to know Vegeta was at heart a good man. After that… He had tried when they were preparing for the androids, but Vegeta had been angry then and had shut him out so thoroughly and harshly it hurt. He’d hardly attempted it after that; the painful rejection and blinding headache he’d earned had dissuaded him. “I tried, but you wouldn’t let me,” he said bitterly.
“Are we talking about the same thing?” Vegeta asked slowly, brow creased in thought.
Goku looked at him, suddenly confused; he had been so wrapped up in his thoughts he hadn’t been paying attention.
“Kakarott, did you hear me?”
“No!” Goku said, the word almost escaping as a frustrated wail. “I’ve never been able to – you wouldn’t let me. And now I can’t hear anyone at all, even though I could before.”
“I talk to you all the time…you’ve heard me then. What do you mean…when wouldn’t I let you?” Vegeta asked, bewildered.
“You don’t get it,” Goku sighed, finally realizing they were having two different conversations. It wasn’t Vegeta’s fault he didn’t understand. Maybe he didn’t even know what he had done. “Before – before we died…” It was strange, he thought, how he marked time by death. “I tried to feel...to hear you – the same way I did everyone else – but you blocked me. It hurt. Even when we became friends I couldn’t hear you.”
Vegeta stared at him in surprise, not answering him immediately. When he finally responded he looked unhappy. “I was a different person then; I just wasn’t ready. I hadn’t realized it had become a habit. I didn’t know, Kakarott. If I had, I would have let you in years ago. If I had, maybe things would be easier for you now.”
He felt guilty; he hadn’t meant to blame Vegeta. “It wasn’t your fault – you had a lot of stuff to deal with. I can understand not wanting to let anyone know by accident or something.” Goku shrugged sadly. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t hear anyone now.”
“But you can…you did. You heard the Nameks. Isn’t that something?”
“That was different. Dende made me…”
“Maybe he just made you listen.” Vegeta pulled the blanket off them and set it aside before moving to sit between Goku’s legs. He watched curiously as the prince brushed gentle fingertips over his palms, coaxing his hands open. His hands were gently lifted and guided until they rested on either side of Vegeta’s head.
“Kakarott,” he whispered, “Listen to me. Hear me.”
“I can’t.” Goku looked at Vegeta, seeing his pleading look, still afraid. What if he tried and failed – what then? He had this horrible feeling of running out of time and he was wasting all his chances.
“You can. You are Kakarott – the first Super Saiyan in generations. You defeat unbeatable opponents. Consider this one more battle that you can win. Do this for us – for the sake of our child. I want you to.”
Goku closed his eyes, not wanting to meet his intense gaze.
“Please, Kakarott,” he whispered. “Please.”
Goku looked at his hands, fingers spread and palms against Vegeta’s head. Was it true? Had he been holding back without even realizing it? Could he do this – finally have what he’d wanted for so long? His eyes drifted back to Vegeta’s who met his before closing, looking exposed and vulnerable under Goku’s touch.
He brushed the fingertips of one hand over Vegeta’s face, tracing each feature: the broad expanse of his forehead, the nose that looked even more regal because of all of the times it had been broken, the soft eyelids hiding jet black eyes that could burn through him with just a glance, lips that were at once firm and soft, expressing so much passion with just a caress. This was his…could be his if he just got over his stupid fears and accepted what was offered.
“Vegeta…” he pleaded, not knowing what else to say. Lost. He felt so lost.
Vegeta gently brushed his lips against Goku’s fingertips in invitation. “You can do this.”
He swallowed, acutely aware just how much trust Vegeta was putting in him. The way Vegeta had positioned Goku’s hands had been on open invitation to touch his mind. He wasn’t sure how he knew that – maybe one of those weird little memories that sometimes floated to the surface – but what was important was that he knew.
He leaned forward, curling a hand around the back of Vegeta’s neck, hyper aware of the way his fingers lay against warm flesh. Remembering how much closer he felt to Vegeta during sex, he gently pressed his lips against Vegeta’s. Vegeta kissed him back, just as gently, strong fingers combing through Goku’s hair, making him shiver in pleasure. Vegeta gave a pleased little purr and he matched it.
He knew he was stalling, focusing on the physical that he had control over and could enjoy. Realizing he had to try and move forward, still kissing Vegeta he tentatively tried to touch his mind, ready to pull away at the first hint of rejection. He wouldn’t reach in too far – he had to trust Vegeta not to let him go farther than he was comfortable with.
Within moments he realized he was actually making contact with a sense of a Vegeta – his first awareness in months. “Oh,” he breathed, experiencing a thrill of surprise at how simple that had been. He was there…he knew Vegeta was there.
“Kakarott,” Vegeta said, their lips still barely touching, “Trust me. I won’t reject you.”
Encouraged by the little success, Goku gently prodded at the hazy barrier with a mix of anticipation and trepidation, tinged with regret. Could he have had Vegeta for his mate all this time? He sensed Vegeta was there, aware of a voice that was whispers he couldn’t understand, but feeling tentatively triumphant – he heard something even if he couldn’t interpret it.
Heartened by this, he reminded himself how easy this used to be and screwed up his courage. “Don’t hold back,” he heard himself whisper, “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“Listen to me Kakarott.”
It was now or never; he took a deep breath and willed himself to really listen to Vegeta.
And then he heard it. Sound. He finally heard it. The deep rumble of Vegeta’s voice was in his ear before expanding to surround him. He heard his name and Vegeta’s concern for mate. Worry and affection and frustration and annoyance and possessiveness and jealousy and fear. There was desperation and loneliness – he had hurt the prince with his hesitation and fear just as he had known he would. But there was also admiration and pride and a huge swelling of relief. All these emotions and they were all directed at him – all because of him - all the mixed up, confusing, sometimes heartbreaking, emotions that went along with loving someone so completely.
He hiccupped a sob, completely overwhelmed by the intensity of feeling Vegeta had for him. No longer needing to touch Vegeta’s head in order to hear him, he wrapped himself tightly around Vegeta, his mate’s own arms embracing him just as completely. He heard Vegeta – he really heard Vegeta, and knew how the prince felt about him.
“How could I not have known?” he wept into his mate’s shoulder.
He understood now Vegeta’s unwillingness to use love to describe this feeling. It wasn’t enough – it was such a tiny little word. There weren’t enough letters – not enough sound to explain how it felt to know someone’s heart so completely.
“And to think I thought I was mated before,” Vegeta said bemusedly. “That was just a pale reflection of this.”
“Mmmm,” Goku said against his neck, not sure how to respond.
“I hadn’t realized this would happen, Kakarott,” Vegeta laughed and Goku felt a wave of his relief roll over them. “We’re feeding each other, making the feeling even stronger.”
Goku tried to pay attention, hearing how Vegeta’s happiness made him happy made Vegeta happy in a dizzying circle.
“Yes,” he breathed. “I can hear you. I can really hear you. You’re my mate.”
TBC