Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Proving Straight ❯ Proving Straight ( One-Shot )

LadyBlue: So, to all you fans of DBZ out there, um . . . you might not enjoy reading this . . . well, if you enjoy Gohan torture (not bashing, torture), you're sure to love this. Just to let you know, a lot of the sick jokes were made in cooperation with my partner/ accomplice/ friend that happens to own me, Maayacola.

SO sit back, relax, grab the popcorn and start laughing your brains out. Twisted humor here, but hilarious none the less. Oh dran, my coffee spilled.

Maayacola: Well, I have returned with more Gohan torture for your reading pleasure. Bet you can't wait to lose even more respect for the lovable Gohan Son. Believe it or not, he's actually my favorite character. I just enjoy cruel and unusual punishment on a daily ritual basis. My best friend LadyBlue has always shared my love of sick and twisted fun, so we decided that in order to write the ultimate Gohan torture fic, we would have to collaborate. We sincerely apologize for the gay jokes…we mean NO OFFENSE to gay people. And we also apologize for the spelling of blonde two different ways. We are two people!

LB: It's not true! I haven't always enjoyed sick and twisted fun! Sure I like comedy, but this stuff really is closer to the rated PG-13 type! Caution, Warning, Danger, content flammable.

MC: Whatever, you know you enjoy it. * slaps LadyBlue with cheap tin coffee cup* More coffee slave! Now! Oh, and readers, we hope you like it!

LB: Ow . . . yeah, enjoy, and don't tell your parents what you've been reading, all you kids out there. (I swear I'm not really into this stuff)

Proving Straight

The crisp autumn air of a beautiful September day, which had so often lifted the spirits of the young and adventurous, now brought tension to everyone within a two-mile radius. Beneath the busy sounds of cars passing by and business owners trying desperately to sell the last piece of summer clothing, bells could be heard. The clanging penetrated all other noise.

Gohan awoke with a start and quickly got to his feet, banging his head on an overhanging branch. Like any other college-bound, uh, High School Junior, he had carefully selected a tree of his choice to fall asleep under.

"Shoot, I'm going to be late for my first day of High School!" he shouted, running off from his resting place. "Better kick it in to Super Saiya-jin mode," he thought and zoomed past the nearest beltway with only one thought in mind, Must get school, hurry. Cat, truck, garbage can, innocent pedestrian . . . oh darn. Memo to self, contact his insurance agent. Oh man, where's the school again?

Finally, after much search, he ran head first into the building. Memo to self, deploy emergency brakes before collision. Stumbling through the front door, he managed to find his homeroom and proceeded in. Fifty pairs of eyes stared at the teenager as he walked in, the teacher stood with her hands on her hips. She had short blond hair and wore a pink blouse. She tapped a ruler in her hand.

"Ahem. A little late, are we?" she said, folding her arms.

"Well, uh," he stuttered, searching for the perfect excuse. "You see, uh, it's my first day."

"It's the first day for all of us."

"But I live like in the 429 mountain area! That's like five hours away."

"Good, you can tell time, Mr. Son. Take your seat. Maybe next time you'll be on time for school. I'll see you in Detention."

The words echoed though the empty hallway. Memo to self, I have detention. Oh dran.

**dran-a combination of drat and darn. Created when the authors were smoking whiteout.**

Since he was the last to arrive, there was only one seat left. One that was systematically situated next to a girl with dark hair, tied in two pigtails. She looked vaguely familiar. Memo to self, ask name of attractive girl sitting next to me.

The girl scowled at him. Memo overriding other memo to self, avoid girl at all costs. She reminded Gohan faintly of Dracula, in that demonic "I want to suck your blood" sort of way.

"Um, you have blood on your shoes," a blond said, who happened to be sitting behind him.

"Uh, yeah . . . uh, me and the friendly neighborhood squirrel had a run in this morning."

"You killed friendly Bob?! I loved that squirrel. No matter what the cops said, he didn't have rabies."

"Um no. . . this was uh . . . evil Jack. He likes to eat my shoes. Hence the blood." Gohan started laughing manically. The class, in its entirety, turned and stared at him. The girl with the Dracula gaze turned to him angrily.

"Don't let my dad hear about your act of animal cruelty," she said, scowling even more.

Gohan sweatdropped. "Uh, who's your dad, again? And uh, if you scowl like that too long, your face'll get stuck that way…"

The girl's face now resembled a storm cloud. "I'm Videl Satan, and my dad is Hercule Satan." Videl struck a few body-builder poses. "He is the WORLD CHAAAAAMPION! Hoo-Hah!"

"Ohhhhhhkaaaaaaaaay. That was…very interesting. My name is Gohan Son, and my dad is dead. What about you, blondie?"

"I'm Erasa." "I'm Sharpener."

"I was talking to the girl."

"Ooooooh…sure, dude. Like, whatever." Said a blond man sitting next to Erasa-Sharpener. "Some people DO ride that boat, you know?"

Eyes wide, Gohan stared. "Are you…hitting on me?"

"Sharpener's never had a girlfriend," Erasa mused. "But man, Sharpener, what the heck were you doing on the stairs with that red head?"

"Hold it," Gohan cut in. "I thought you said he never had a girlfriend."

"Red-headed man."

"Hey, wasn't that our gym teacher?" Videl asked.

Gohan wasn't sure he still wanted to be a part of this conversation, but Erasa still had more to say. "Sharpener, give me five minutes alone with you, and I'll turn you straight."

"Enough talk!" commanded the teacher, slapping the ruler onto the chalkboard. She cleared her throat. "Now, since it's the first day, I want you to write a report about the person next to you."

Gohan looked nervously to the figure next to him. Oh dran. Memo to self, must hurt self.

Papers were passed out with the required information that needed to be included in the report. Gohan laughingly asked, "So, what's your sign?"

Videl did not find this funny. However, she did see this as more reason to glare and the already scared-out-of-his-wits Gohan.

Memo to self, this is going to be a looooong day.

***

Vegeta and Trunks rolled on the richly carpeted floor, barely able to breath between fits of laughter.

Trunks sat up, gasping for air. "So, she asked you what your favorite color was, and you said what?!"

"Pink," Gohan answered.

The boy fell back to rolling with laughter.

"Good answer, brat. You never can be truthful to the daughter of Hercule Satan," Vegeta said, patting the teenager on the back.

"But it's the truth."

An awkward silence.

"Ohhh, well, I knew you were born without Saiyan-jin pride. Not everyone could be the prince of all Saiyin-jins, I'm just surprised I didn't put it together sooner. Does your mother know?"

Trunks sat up again and pointed a finger at Gohan. "Gohan is gay! Gohan is gay!" he chanted.

Gohan blushed. "I am not gay! So what if I happen to have a firm appreciation for pink?! That doesn't make me queer!"

Vegeta looked him in the eye. "Yes it does."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Gohan cried.

Bulma walked into the living room. "What's all the commotion about?"

"Gohan is queer." Vegeta said loudly, causing every employee of Capsule Corp to look up in surprise. Several single young women cursed.

"Well, duh. I figured it out when the kid turned 13. No respectable straight boy would wear a pink speedo."

"Bulma?! Not you too! I'm gaight! I mean straight! Trunks, you believe me, don't you?"

"Uh…sure…" Trunks rolled his eyes. "Whatever helps you sleep a night, Gohan."

"Well my pink `Pretty Princess pajamas do make a diff-I mean, shut up!!"

"Gohan, give it up. We've got you pegged." Bulma added.

"I AM NOT GAY! I AM NOT QUEER! I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!"

Another awkward silence began as the loud statement echoed eerily through the entire 12 story building.

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

Gohan had taken his limit of abuse. "Fine! I'll prove it too you idiots that I AM NOT A FAG!!!"

Trunks snickered.

***

Videl was having an interesting conversation with Erasa.

"So I asked him what his favorite color was," she began. "And he said," she put on a girlie voice, "Well I'm rather fond of pink." She snickered. "And then he did this thing with his hand. Oh my gosh, it was so gay."

Erasa sighed. "Why are all the cute ones queer?"

Their talk came to an abrupt halt when "the man" himself tapped Videl on the shoulder.

"Are you talking about me?" he asked.

Videl stuttered. "Gohan! We weren't talking about how you like pink and how gay you are-oh dran."

Gohan scowled. "WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M GAY JUST BECAUSE MY FAVORITE COLOR IS PINK?!!!"

An awkward silence followed as all the people in the hallway stopped all motion to stare at the angry teen denying what they all knew was the truth. Many outside had their noses pressed against the windows to see the action inside.

A random girl walked up to him. "You're favorite color is pink?" one asked.

Another girl walked up to him. "You're gay?"

Gohan banged his head against the lockers, setting a chain reaction that crushed all the lockers in the school. He snarled at the girls. "Did you not hear a word I just said?" he said, biting his tongue to keep himself from cursing them out in a random foreign language.

Videl smiled. "I've never known a gay person before. Hey, can we go to the mall together and check out hot guys?"

Gohan's eye twitched. "I don't find men attractive. I have NEVER found men attractive."

Erasa eyed him. "Sure . . . I have."

Videl sighed. "Me too."

"See? We can admit it. So can you," the blond smiled.

With an eyebrow cocked, Gohan had a reply ready. "I see your head is as empty as your smile. I hate to break to you, but I'm straight. Although, growing up under the tutelage of my Master, the genderless Piccolo, I do find myself confused occasionally…"

"So he likes boys and girls?" The blonde said, in a confused tone. "Does that mean he's Asexual?"

Videl smirked. "Like a tapeworm?"

"Oh god. This is not happening. " Memo to self, Research tapeworm.

The bell rang. Gohan sighed with obvious relief. "Saved by the bell," he muttered.

***

The teacher of Gohan's first period class was in a good mood. "I have a date tonight, so all detentions are cancelled."

A girl in the back shouted out. "You have a date?! Man, that's as queer as Gohan!"

Gohan attempted to be the first student of Orange Star High to sink into the tile. He was, unfortunately, unsuccessful in his pursuit, and was forced to endure the laughter of his classmates.

Then it was time to do more research on each other. "So Gohan, do you have any hobbies?"

"Well, I do martial arts, and I like to watch wrestling, but on occasion, I do so love to embroider."

Videl struggled to keep a straight face. "I think you could have said that without the `Southern Belle' accent," she murmured. Under her breath, she couldn't withhold a sarcastic comment. "He's so stereotypically gay, it's not even funny."

Gohan with his superb hearing, heard this. "I am not gay." The comment fell on deaf ears.

***

Vegeta smirked. "So, brat? How's life out of the closet?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean have you made any new boyfriends now that you've come clean?"

"I told you before! I'm not gay!"

"Really? So you're saying you don't feel the least bit attracted to that blond boy in your class?"

"Sharpener? Well, I do find him-I mean, no!" He scowled. "Vegeta, have you been spying on me?"

The prince casually diverted his gaze. "No . . ."

Bulma appeared. "Hey! How'd your day of spying on Gohan go?" she exclaimed cheerfully.

"Shut up, woman!"

Trunks walked into the room, his hands in his pockets. "So, Gohan, did you ask that hot blond guy out?"

Vegeta turned to the boy. "What did you say?"

"Um, did you ask that gay blond guy out?"

"Okay, son, just checking."

Gohan looked sharply at Trunks before continuing his protest. "No, I did not ask the blond guy out. I would like to ask Videl out, though. She's a really looker. Only down side is her dad's Hercule Satan."

"Well that could cause problems later in life, kid," Trunks said, patting the teenager on the shoulder. Well, as high up as he could reach, anyway.

Vegeta raised an eyebrow. "I see your plan. You may think you're clever, but you don't fool me. I know you're just pretending to like this Videl girl to throw us off track."

"What do you mean by that?" Gohan sweatdropped.

"Don't play dumb. Everyone knows you're not straight, so quit the act."

"Fine. Nothing short of me and Videl going out with each other will satisfy that twisted brain of yours, huh?"

"I resent you calling my brain twisted."

"Whatever you sick, balding, monkey." Gohan said triumphantly.

"How dare you call me `balding'! I was born this way, you idiot!"

For once, the snickers that rang through the room were at Vegeta's expense, instead of the long suffering Gohan's. This was, in fact, a mistake of one of the authoress*cough*Maayacola*cough*, but we'll leave it at that.

***

Gohan called out to Videl. "Hey Videl! Why don't we get together this weekend and work on finishing or reports!"

"Sure!" She replied. "And after that, we can have a sleepover and talk girl talk! We can do our nails, and hair…"

"Videl, I'm not into that sort of stuff."

"Well, not everyone can act totally gay all the time, I guess. By the way, I came up for a title for my report on you!"

"Oh really?"

"Indeed. I'll call it…'Gohan, a Manly Man with a Girly Heart'."

"Oh joy."

(MCAN: You knew it had to be in there…the world's best word…)

***

Krillon was rolling on the floor in a childlike position. "Gohan…likes…boys…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

"I do NOT! You can't possibly believe all those phony lies that Vegeta told you!" Gohan shouted.

"You mean your favorite color isn't pink?"

"Well, it is."

"And you don't like to embroider?"

"Actually, I do."

"And you don't have a skewed vision of the genders because of Piccolo's influence on you in your younger years?"

"Well, yes."

"Well then buddy," Krillon said. "You sure do sound gay enough to me."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARG! I have a feminine side! I'm not gay! I just have a tendency to do a few more girlie things then most guys, but this in no way effects my sexual preference!"

"Uh huh. And Master Roshi has never looked up a girls skirt."

"I'm pretty sure he has…" Gohan said, unaware that he was falling into a trap.

"Exactly."

SNAP! The trap sprang shut.

"You ride a different boat than most men, Gohan. God speed, and try to introduce me to your boyfriends, kay? I need to keep your father up to date in the otherworld."

"Noooooooo….life sucks…." Gohan wailed quietly.

***

Gohan felt a telepathic link open up between himself and his father.

Dad? He thought mentally.

Yeah, Gohan, it's me. I can't talk long, but I needed to know.

Needed to know what?

If it was true. Do you really swing that way, my son?

NOOOOOO!

There is no need to hide the truth from your own father Gohan. Just remember, your mother and I will love you anyway.

The link cut off. "Dran. This sucks. This really, really sucks. I am NOT gay!!!" Memo to self, inform my father about my ungayness.

***

Goten stared wide-eyed at the teenger standing before him.

"Big brother? Is it true that you're . . . a lesbian?"

"That's gay, Goten. Lesbian refers to girls," Gohan corrected.

"So then, you admit that you're gay?"

"What?! No! I'm just correcting you!"

"Well, I'm not sure I should still look up to you as a role model. I mean, I wanted you to teach me to fight, not make paper doilies."

"I don't make doilies. I just embroider cute laced hankies."

Goten looked at him and gaped. Chi Chi waltzed into the room. "My boy's paved his own path. Personally, I've always wanted a daughter. Now I have someone to share all my secrets of the art of womanhood with!"

Gohan sank to the floor. "No, no, no, no, no, no…Please, if there is a god, make this stop…"

"And I'll show you how to knit, and crochet, and how to paint your nails…"

Gohan sobbed into an uncaring floor.

***

Erasa threw up a hand. " I've got it!" She cried out.

Sharpener looked over. "You've got what? Rabies? We knew that…You could have asked."

"No, moron…I figured out what we should do tonight."

Gohan looked intrigued. "Where?"

"We can check out a gay bar and do some Karaoke! With Sharpener and Gohan, we'll be VIPs!"

Sharpener brightened. "Sounds like a great idea, babe!"

Gohan's hand clenched and unclenched. "I don't think I would feel comfortable with a bunch of men who are trying to constantly pinch my butt."

Videl waved him off. "No one would do that!"

***

Gohan scowled as yet another man in drag pinched his rear. "Hey! Watch it bud!"

He worked his way over to were Sharpener was singing into a mike in the Karaoke area. "I'mmmmmmmmmmmm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…." Gohan found the sound repulsing, but Erasa and Videl were cheering wildly.

Memo to self, Figure out what the hell I'm doing here.

"Gohan!" Videl called. "It's your turn !"

"No. I don't wanna sing. "

"Stop being such a baby." Videl said.

"I'm not! I just don't want to sing!"

"Gohan, relax. You're with your own kind now. They're all just as gay as you are." Erasa said encouragingly.

"Thanks Erasa. Really."

Gohan skulked up to the stage, shaking his head as he told the guy what song he planned on singing. As the cheerful theme to "I will survive." Played behind him, Gohan scowled as he sang.

"So go! Walk out the door! So get along now, you don't live here anymore!"

"He is so gay, it's not even funny." Videl stage whispered to Erasa.

"I know. It's hilarious."

(MCAN: I know. It really is.)

(LBAN: *stifled nasal laugh *)

***

Gohan noticed Videl looked a little glum as he walked her home. "What's wrong Videl?"

"I was just thinking about how you would be, like, the perfect boyfriend if you weren't…you know, gay."

"But Videl, I'm not gay." Gohan leaned down and kissed Videl until their breath ran out and they started to get blue and wrinkly.

"Gohan…you're not gay?" Videl asked hopefully.

"I never have been. If you would have listened to me…"

"You have to admit, all the signs did point to the fact…"

At Gohan's growl, she shut up.

"Ooooh-kay. So what now?"

"Videl, would you be my, Gohan Son-the-completely-not-gay's, girlfriend?"

"Uh, sure, like, why not?"

"Dude!"

***

Vegeta looked stunned. "You have a what?"

Smiling smugly, Gohan replied. "A girlfriend."

"But that-that would mean…" Vegeta sputtered.

"Exactly. I ain't gay. Finally, you comprehend, you stupid Vegetable."

"As prince of all Saiyin-jins, I refuse to be insulted! Now, kneel before me." He took a deep breath. "Sure, brat. I understand how you would like to refer to your new partner as female. Heck, I would too."

Trunks walked into the room. "Did I just hear that Gohan got a girlfriend."

"Yeah, that's what he calls him, *wink wink*," Vegeta nudged.

"So uh, is he cute?" Trunks asked.

"He is a she!" Gohan exclaimed.

"Oh, so when was the sex change?"

"There never was one! She was born female!" he roared. Then, he cleared his throat. "Her name is Videl."

Bulma appeared out of nowhere and patted Gohan on the back. "Gohan I'm so proud!" she exclaimed. "You've finally become a man!"

"Thanks . . . I guess," replied the teen.

"So, then, you mean you got some professional help or something?" Trunks asked.

"Yeah, I hear school councilors are doing their job nowadays," Vegata said, actually sounding impressed.

"I was never gay to start with!" Gohan corrected. "Maybe it's your son you should worry about," he added.

Bulma and Vegeta looked at Trunks suspiciously. The boy gulped and laughed nervously. "Don't look at me, I'm not the one with pink panties and fancy embroidery needles."

"Really?" Bulma said accusingly. "Then what's that stuff under your bed?"

"Just because I find calendars filled with men in spandex appealing . . . it doesn't mean anything!"

Gohan smirked. "Yeah, and your hair was born that color!"

"Hey! Light lavender is my favorite color!"

Vegeta sighed. "The royal line is shamed." He turned to Gohan. "You should probably refer us to that councilor of yours, he did wonders with you."

"I had no councilor! I'm gaight! I mean straight!"

Trunks sighed. "Dran. Life sucks."

Gohan smiled to himself. Finally, someone else was getting tortured. Memo to self, buy big boy underpants.

***

And everyone lived happily ever after . . . except Trunks, who ran away with Sharpener and was never seen again.

The End

MC: Oh dear. I think we finished this a little strangely. Well, we are a little strange!

LB: Gawd, I can't believe I wrote that! (Scrubs self clean with toothbrush) Well, I'd have to admit, it was kinda funny. (*snicker* pink undies)

MC: Does scrubbing oneself clean with a toothbrush hurt? Anyway, yes, pink undies are ALWAYS funny. Period. Indeed. For sure. Dude. Well, we're off to get high. Catch you later!