Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Sarie Mue ❯ Mr. Popo ( Chapter 7 )

Disclaimer:

We, the authors of this work, hereby disclaim… Why do we say disclaim? What is disclaiming anyway? Nobody says disclaim!

I mean, think about it: "Is that jelly doughnut yours?" "No! I disclaim that doughnut. You can have it." Nobody talks that way.

Therefore, in protest of the word "disclaim" and all such legal jargon, we shall simply state the following:

We don't own Dragonball Z. And if you thought we did, then you are probably too dumb to read the rest of this stuff anyway. So there! Ha! Who needs silly legal jargon?

With the above statement, we, the party of the first part, cannot be held liable for copyright infringement or misappropriation of a trademarked name! And by its very nature, this work, being one of satire, cannot be construed as libelous. The Supreme Court said so in Hustler v. Falwell. So we're covered from all ends, and we did it without using silly legal jargon.

Author's Notes:

I'm telling you, this was a cursed chapter. For one thing, it was written among Howler's graduation, moving both of us, Christmas holidays, and my various sicknesses, including bronchitis, the flu, and pneumonia. Thankfully, I am all better. Then, after we had gotten the entire thing written, and I was editing, my Word decided to meltdown and half of it was gone. So I stayed up into the dark hours of the night, still pretty sick, desperately trying to salvage what we had just written from my memory. As I said, this is a cursed chapter. Hopefully none of you suffer disease, death, or dismemberment while reading.

I want to thank all the kind reviewers who have been waiting oh so patiently for this installment:

Omega: Scary enough for ya?

Lil Shady: I've always love Monty Python, and I'm afraid we may borrow from Monty Python overly much in this fic.

DirtyChild: Thanks! I guess we can blow up more people. Although, I'm not sure if John Cleese would enjoy being referred to as a historical figure.

Dark Wolf: Gardening! But now that I think of it, exactly how much gardening does Popo do on the show. His big scene in Dragonball is beating around little Goku. Oh well. And I'll get around to Morning Rain sometime… once I actually finish a chapter of The Soul! See above for excuses.

Taes: Glad you're perusing my nominally successful attempt at comedy… or parody. You know, half the people who read this aren't very good at pop culture references. I guess that shows that the fic is more than just those references. Sometimes I feel that we pile them on. And, of course, this chapter is no exception.

A few additional notes. Seeing as Howler and I will be living farther apart than we're used to, we've decided that, for sanity's sake, to pare down the number of our chapters to between 20 and 30. That will just get rid of some of the extremely minor characters. When we haven't even passed 10, more than 40 chapters to go seemed like an eternity. It's not like I want this fic to go on for more than a year… like some fic I know…

Also, the bird pop culture reference for which we were going to reward a metaphorical cookie was, in fact, a literary reference. It referred to Slaughter-house Five by Kurt Vonnegut, a book I had to read for a class recently. The bird "poo-tee-weet" and the phrase "so it goes" pop up whenever death is mentioned in that book. Let no one say my classes are worth nothing.

And now… on with the show.

Prologue:

"Yes it is!"

"No it isn't!"

"Yes, it is!"

"NO, IT ISN'T!"

The Great Will of the Cosmos was exhausted. John Cleese, newly aligned with The Resistance, had kept her up for days with his unceasing "argument clinic" routine. She had tried zapping him with lightning, boiling him in acid, dropping a nuclear bomb on him, and even hitting him with frilly pillows. Nothing had worked yet. She was running out of ideas.

"That's IT!" she bellowed. "I will stop you if it's the last thing I do! And I think I know how!"

Raising her hands to the sky, she conjured up the only thing she could think of that might stop a Monty Python member… A giant foot crashed down upon the surprised John Cleese, hitting the ground with a "pffthththtt." She waited nervously, waiting for his nasally voice to cut in with another outdated sketch. Finally, it seemed like he was gone… for now.

"With all of this mess, I haven't even been able to come up with a decent narrator for Sarie Mue's next adventure." She sighed. "I guess I'll have to go to the 'B' list for this one… or maybe even the 'C' list."

With a snap of her fingers, David Boreanaz, better known as TV's "Angel," a spin-off of the even better known "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer," popped up looking very confused.

"Is this the Dido video shoot?" he asked. Glancing toward the Great Will, he jumped in surprise. "Umm… Someone left this weird starfield with arms prop out on the set," he called out, looking for a stagehand to move it out of the way.

"I am not a prop!" the Great Will said. "I am the Great Will of the Macrocosm, although some people who do shoddy research while writing fanfics call me the Great Will of the Cosmos… Anyway, my point is that I am a being almost all-powerful and far beyond your comprehension, which in your case isn't saying much."

David just looked at her, his prominent brow furrowed in confusion. "Okay… so… um… did you want an autograph or something?" He pulled a pad and pen from pocket, giving a nervous, goofy grin.

"No. I do not want an autograph," she said, rolling her eyes… er… rotating some of her stars? "What I want is for you to read the cue cards in front of you quickly and clearly so I can begin the next exciting chapter of Sarie Mue, rabid fangirl on the rampage."

"Rabid fan?" he said nervously, shifting his eyes around. "I get a lot of those. I try to avoid them. They're scary. And you should see the ones that come after James Marsters! I thought I had it bad…"

"Will you just shut up and read the cue cards?!!" the Great Will screamed.

"Uh… yeah… so here it goes." He took a breath, focusing his eyes on the cue cards hovering in front of him. "Did you want me to do an accent?" he asked, looking back to the starfield. "I do a really great Irish accent. Tony Head told me once that he had never heard anything like it!"

"Hmmm… Giles. I miss him," The Great Will said dreamily. "But I've heard your 'Irish accent,' and if I had to hear one syllable of your non-brogue after these last few days of John Cleese, I just might eviscerate you, so if you will please give me one non-accented reading of the cue card hovering in front of your big, pale face with its protruding, caveman forehead then that will suffice!"

"I was just asking. Sorry," he apologized. Looking at the cue card again, he took a deep breath, popped his neck to both sides quickly, closed his eyes, shook out his hands and finally began:

"Welcome ag…again to Sarie Mue," he said flatly, his eyes moving left to right as they read the cue card. "We are pleased to present chapter seven - Mr…" He looked at the starfield. "Does that say poo-poo?"

"POPO!" she said in a harsh whisper. "It's Popo, and stop looking like you're in a third grade school play. Can't you read a cue card properly?"

"Mr. Popo," he continued, pausing obviously as he waited for the next cue card to appear. "We hope that you enjoy this chapter. Cut." He gestured stiffly to a non-existent cameraman and looked to The Great Will for approval. He looked in time to see the fireball, but not in time to avoid it.

"I swear," she said, hovering over the smoldering pile of ash, dusting off her hands. "I don't see how he's made it this long as an actor. Then again, the only part he plays is a good-looking, emotionally-distant dead guy." She looked down. "And he does play dead quite convincingly - when properly motivated. Let's just get this over with."

With a tired sigh, she waved her hand and…

Chapter 7: Mr. Popo

Sarie Mue's startling hazel eyes blinked in surprise as the world snapped into place around her. Strangely, it seemed to be taking longer than usual to come into focus. She briefly glimpsed a white tile path leading to a quaint chapel-like structure, but it all moved quickly up and out of her view. Suddenly, she could see nothing but blue as the wind blew her green hair above her head.

"That's strange," Sarie Mue said. "Why is everything blue, and why is the wind blowing up?" She looked down to find the answer, in the form of the ground, moving closer and closer to her…

* * * * * *

Upa and his father, Bora, stood side by side looking at the unusual cloud formations under Kami's Lookout. "Father," said Upa, "I believe the snake-shaped cloud has been following my path for days now. What sort of ill omen could this be for our people?"

"I do not know, son, but we had best consult the council of elders. Or perhaps the wise Birdman will… Wait, what's that?" he asked as a vaguely girl-shaped mass spiraled down toward them at a high velocity.

Upa leaped forward, tackling his father, pushing him out of the way just before…

SPLAT!!!

The vaguely girl-shaped mass had made an impressive vaguely girl-shaped crater. Upa stood up. "Are you alright, Father?"

"Yes, Upa. You are as fast as ever."

Upa walked over to the crater and looked into it.

"Ew…" he said.

* * * * * *

"Two *@$^ feet to the left," muttered the Great Will of the Macrocosm. She sighed. "Let's try again."

* * * * * *

Sarie Mue's startling hazel eyes blinked in surprise as the world snapped into place around her… again. This time, she found herself standing firmly on the white tile path, as opposed to just off of it. Looking ahead, she saw the path lead between lovely gardens before reaching the chapel-like building she had seen before.

"How lovely," she mused. "This must be… Oh! Kami's Lookout! This is where Piccolo lives. But I wonder who the Great Will is trying to fix me…" Sarie Mue stopped, not daring to hope. "Is she going to set me up with Piccolo?! I mean… sure, he's odd looking at first, but he's so big and so strong and his eyes are so deep and he's so tall and I've read sooooo many great fanfics about Piccolo falling in love, and I just know that this one will be the one that works out and--"

"Can I help you?" a pleasant, slightly accented voice cut into her tirade.

Spinning around quickly, she couldn't stop herself from shouting out, "Pickle…Oh?" she stopped suddenly. The very white eyes of Mr. Popo, all the whiter against his ebony skin, stared at her in surprise. "You're not Piccolo," she said bluntly.

"I should hope not!" Popo responded somewhat sharply, adjusting his turban and setting down his watering pail. "Piccolo is dead, and because of him so is my master, so I do not want to talk about the demon Piccolo. At the moment, I think I need to ask exactly who you are, how did you get here, and what do you want?"

"I'm… um… Sarie Mue," she stuttered simply, not knowing what else to say. "I got here because the Gr… er… someone teleported me here, and I want a big hunk of Dragonball Z manmeat, but it looks like she keeps sticking me with weirdos." She folded her arms and kicked at the pristine white tile in a huff, leaving behind a tiny black scuff mark from the bottom of her shoe.

He stood, still staring, his arms folded behind his back. "I'm not certain that I understood all of that, but I have a feeling you may have just insulted Mr. Popo. And you've left a scuff mark on the tile. Tsk tsk tsk," he shook his head.

"Mr. Popo… Oh yeah! That's who you are, isn't it?" she exclaimed. "Then why are you referring to yourself in the third person. Are you, like, a rock star or a king or something?"

Mr. Popo, not really listening to her, had pulled out a cloth and proceeded to kneel down next to her - very next to her, in fact - to remove the scuff mark.

"Hey! What are you doing down there?!" she shouted, backing away quickly. "You really don't have a clear concept of other people's personal space bubbles do you?"

"Actually, Mr. Popo is an expert on the bubbles that surround people," he said. "I've taught the best to sense them. And yours is particularly odd. It's almost as if your ki is not from this dimension," he commented absently, putting the final polish on the again perfect white tile.

She looked closer at Mr. Popo. "You can tell all that just by looking at me? You're good."

He laughed. "I didn't have to look at you. Mr. Popo doesn't just see with his eyes. You humans really have to learn to open your minds to what's around you. You must learn that seeing is not necessarily believing." He looked into the distance, seeming to automatically enter lecture mode.

"Ki is what binds us together. It is within each of us - within all living things. When you learn to wield the power of ki, another world will be opened up to you. In a way, it controls me, but I also control it. Ki will teach you that we are all part of the great circle of life. That each life, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant, effects every other life. We should never take more than we give. Even the smallest person can change the fate of the world. Ki is as much a force as even the elements themselves - wind, fire, earth, water, heart - through these powers combined in ki, the world remains in balance. Yet, a butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane halfway across the world. A zeni saved is a zeni earned. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Wax on - wax off. The best of intentions can lead to the worst of consequences. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few - or the one. Don't dream it - be it. Never mix, never worry. The truth is out there. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man rather boring. With great power comes great responsibility. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Knowing is half the battle. This is your brain on drugs. A robot will not harm a human. You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting - it's not logical, but it is often true. All work and no play makes Mr. Popo a dull boy. To thine own self be true. Don't drink the water. A cord of four strands is not easily broken. Resistance is futile. Just say no. Size matters not. It's the motion in the ocean. Passion rules wisdom. Clap if you believe in fairies. The power is yours. Life is pain - anybody who tells you different is either lying or selling something. Don't tug on Hercule's cape; don't spit into the wind. Don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger, and you don't mess around with Goku. Infinite diversity in infinite combinations. Never kill a mockingbird. Only you can prevent forest fires. And always remember to wear sunscreen. Do you understand, Sarie Mue?"

Sarie, having long since stopped listening, was looking at the jewel in Mr. Popo's turban with great interest. "You have a funny hat," she said.

They stared at each other blankly for a beat. "Go home, Sarie Mue," he said abruptly.

"I wish I could go home," Sarie Mue retorted. "But instead I'm stuck here, and I keep dying, and no one likes me, and I keep getting paired with these weirdos, and I didn't even get to see Piccolo."

Sarie stopped as she noticed a flash of pain in Mr. Popo's eyes. "Please," Popo said calmly, belying his distressed eyes, "don't mention that name around me. It is all too painful."

Sarie laid a hand on his shoulder sympathetically. "What do you have against… um… against him."

Mr. Popo's eyes began to water slightly. "He was the reason my master died oh so recently. I can't even bear to think of it." Popo stared straight ahead as the memory overtook him. "You don't know what it's like to see someone you've known for hundreds of years - a man you've talked with, laughed with, learned from, a man you've come to respect and admire like a father - to watch him die, the light in his eyes slowly fading into nothing… leaving not so much as a corpse to mourn over."

Sarie hung her head, unsure of what to say. "My cat died once. I only had him for two weeks, but it was really sad when he died."

"Yes, I'm sure that was traumatic for you," Mr. Popo said dryly, collecting himself.

Sarie Mue wasn't sure if he was being sympathetic or sarcastic, so she let it go. "Anyway, I guess I do need to go."

"You wish to leave?" Mr. Popo said in a blank voice.

Sarie shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, I guess I should." Her only thought was getting off the Lookout to find someone she was more… compatible with.

Mr. Popo sighed. "Alright. If that is what you desire." He walked slowly to the edge of the white tile. Sarie was puzzled when he didn't slow down, and the horrified when he suddenly disappeared over the edge.

"NNOOOOOOO!!!!!" she screamed. "I… I didn't think he would be so upset that I wanted to leave. I didn't even think he liked me! He must have really fallen for me, and the very thought of my leaving caused him to plunge to his doom!" She fell to her knees, still wide-eyed with shock and regret. "If only I had tried to understand… If only I had…"

"Well, aren't you coming?" she heard a voice cut into her dramatic monologue.

Sarie looked up slowly to see Mr. Popo's head and shoulders floating at the edge of the white expanse of tile. "W-wha… How?"

Mr. Popo smiled slightly and hovered a little higher to show the rug underneath him. "It's a magic carpet," he explained. "Since I'm through with my gardening today, I decided that I could take you wherever you need to go."

Sarie looked at the carpet nervously. "I've never been on a magic carpet. Hey, how do I know you're not going to whisk me away to Antarctica and force me to play MahJong or something?"

Mr. Popo looked slightly affronted. "What is with you human females? Why does every human female think that Mr. Popo is going to force them to play MahJong? It's because I'm black, isn't it?"

Sarie Mue backpedaled quickly. "No, no, it's not that! No, really, I'd love to take a ride with you. It's just…"

Mr. Popo reached his hand out. "Do you trust me?"

Sarie looked at the appendage uncertainly. "I'm not sure."

"Do you trust me?" Mr. Popo repeated.

After a moment of searching Mr. Popo's eyes, she seemed to finally make a decision. "Yes," she said firmly, grasping Mr. Popo's hand.

She suddenly shrieked as she was pulled onto the carpet and felt a powerful rush of wind as the carpet soared up into the sky. Mr. Popo sat down in a yoga position as Sarie clung to him for dear life. After taking a few minutes to collect her wits, Sarie began to truly enjoy flying through the air.

"This is great!" Sarie exclaimed, hugging Mr. Popo tighter in her excitement. "It's like seeing a whole new world from here. Seeing things from this high… It's a new, fantastic point of view!"

"It must seem like that to you," Mr. Popo said happily. "Where would you like to go? I can show you the world. The Taj Mahal, the Sphinx, the Great Pyramids… upside down as they are now… stupid Piccolo," he muttered.

Sarie grinned. "I want to see it all! Show me everything, and more!"

* * * * *

The two sat on the parapets of the Taj Mahal watching a fireworks display after a full day discovering the wonders of the world. Sarie sighed happily, grinning at her companion. She had truly grown close to him that day. She felt that she could finally see past his outward appearance. Sure, he talked about Kami with every other sentence, he loved his garden waaay too much, and he referred to himself in the third person… not to mention he was short… but he was also kind and understanding and wise and strong. She had clung to him all day, and she found that she didn't mind being close to him at all. It had even grown to be… kind of nice. Perhaps the Great Will hadn't goofed after all.

"It was such a wonderful day," Sarie gushed, smiling slightly at Mr. Popo.

"I have enjoyed it as well," Popo said blithely, staring into the endless diamond sky. "It was a nice break in routine. And you've added a new perspective to my life. I can't thank you enough."

Sarie let the casual words pass her by, pressing on. "It must get so… lonely all by yourself in that big Lookout."

Mr. Popo sighed. "Yes, especially now that I don't even have Kami. It gets so lonely not having anyone to talk to, anyone to share your life with. You have no idea how it is to be a eunuch all alone on that Lookout with only my gardens to tend to."

Sarie nodded. "Yes, I can imagi… hey wait!" she broke off sharply. "Did you say eunuch? What do you mean by that?"

Mr. Popo looked slightly startled. "Well, a man becomes a eunuch when someone cuts his-"

"I know what a eunuch is!!" Sarie cut him off, blushing furiously. "I just wanted to know why you are one!"

Mr. Popo regarded Sarie quizzically. "Why, it's one of the requirements for the honor of serving as the Kami's assistant. It's simply to prove loyalty. I'm sorry, I thought you knew."

Sarie stared at him blankly. "Eunuch. You mean, no MahJong? Not even bad MahJong? No MahJong at all?" Her voice cracked at the end.

Mr. Popo shook his head. "No MahJong."

Sarie Mue got up and dusted herself off. "Now, this I just cannot abide by. There seems to be something wrong with every guy that cosmic she-dog sticks me with!" She let out a disgusted sigh. "There's just one thing left to do." With the casual air of much practice, Sarie walked over the edge of the Taj Mahal. The festivities below came to an abrupt halt as the lifeless body of Sarie Mue splattered on the ground below, rivulets of blood streaming down the steps like so many crimson slinkys.

Mr. Popo looked down on the corpse that had prompted the macabre analogy involving children's playthings. He was just beginning to process what had happened when a blue wispy figure materialized beside him. "Ewwww," the newcomer commented, looking down.

The blue figure popped a microphone into his hand and put on a TV sports announcer voice. "The form was excellent, but it looks like the judges are going to count off for the landing. Let's take a look at the scores…" The blue figure suddenly changed with a poof into three blue Olympic judges, holding up signs with the numbers "2.6", "3.1", and Yuck!" printed on them.

With another poof, the blue figure reverted to his normal state. "I am sorry, Popo. She did look really cute when her spinal column was still intact."

Mr. Popo hung his head slightly. "Yes, Genie, she was. I guess I really should have told her about being a eunuch right from the beginning."

Genie nodded. "It's never good to hide things from people. Remember… you must tell the TRRRUUUTTTHHH!!" Genie shouted, pointing at a blackboard he had materialized to make his point.

Before Mr. Popo could reply, Genie changed into a blue Bill Clinton. "I did not tell a lie. I did not play MahJong with that woman," he said in his best Clinton impression.

"Yes, I…" Mr. Popo began.

In another poof, Genie changed into a wooden schoolboy puppet with an abnormally large nose. "It you tell the truth, you can be a real boy!"

Mr. Popo grabbed Genie by the shoulders and shook him until he was once again a big blue genie. "Usually I don't mind your constant barrage of insane impressions, but right now I just want to be left alone, so I think you should leave."

Grabbing the genie's lamp from underneath him, Mr. Popo lobbed it into the sky as hard as he could. Even as the genie disappeared into the distance, Popo could make out his voice, which had taken on the sound of a baseball announcer. "It's going… and going… And it's outta here! Home run! The crowd goes wild…"

Mr. Popo took one last look at the corpse of Sarie Mue far below, and then hopped on his carpet to head back to the Lookout. "Oh, well. I have to go water my lilies anyway."

In a distant desert, many miles away, the lamp finally spiraled toward the ground to make its landing - only to be swallowed whole by a gigantic cat head formed of sand. With a loud BUUUURP!, the cat head collapsed itself once more into the sandy desert floor.

* * * * *

The Great Will of the Macrocosm folded her arms, imaginary lips pursed angrily as she looked at the shambles of her most recent failed experiment with Sarie Mue. The scene of Sarie's lifeless corpse only further stoked her ire. Within the starfield that was her body, it seemed that entire universes were trembling under the magnitude of her rage.

"I take the time out of my busy schedule…" the Great Will whispered hoarsely. "I match her up with someone who would never hurt her… I put her in the safest era of DBZ history… and WHAT DOES SHE DO?!!" the Great Will ended with a bellow. She took a few calming breaths. "She throws it away all because Mr. Popo doesn't have a MahJong board. Who would want to imagine that anyway?" she ended with a shudder at the involuntary mental picture.

"It's bad enough that I have to deal with a militant group of abused characters and a parade of annoying hosts because of her. Now, I have to handle her little suicidal temper tantrums, too?" The Great Will let out a scream, several stars within her form blasting into the nova stage centuries ahead of time.

"She must be taught a lesson," the Great Will said in a firm voice, absently checking of Mr. Popo from her rapidly depleting list of possibilities. "If Mr. Popo was too safe for her, then I'll put her with someone so dangerous and sadistic that she'll jump at the chance to be with a eunuch."

The Great Will paused at a name, wondering if even Sarie Mue deserved that. She took one more look at Sarie's crushed body and strengthened her resolve. "She deserves it," the Great Will said solemnly.

With a wave of her hand and a giggle of almost sadistic glee, the Great Will transported Sarie into the depths of space…

Chapter 8: Frieza