Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ The Saiyan Facts of Life! Teaching Goten ❯ The Saiyan Facts of Life! Teaching Goten ( Chapter 1 )

The Saiyan Facts of Life! Teaching Goten

Rating: R

Type: One-Shot

Warnings: Humor, Yaoi, Rated R for frank talk about sexuality and a Gk x Vg yaoi fantasy

Disclaimer: DBZ property of Akira Toriyama and official licensees (i.e, not me!)

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Summary: Goku, Goten, (minor Gk x Vg yaoi). HUMOR one-shot. Trunks has started puberty, so now Goten is full of questions. It's time for Goku to give him "The Talk." However, Goten's not going to make it as easy as his father had hoped!

A/N - This is NOT incest, NOT shota! The only part that could be construed as such (if you have a very broad definition of the terms) is at the end where Goten demands that Goku show him how to "take care of yourself," and Goku caves in, much to his embarrassment. There is NO desire between father and son. This fic is about a father giving his son a facts-of-life lesson; he is *talking* to him about sex and puberty. The only yaoi is Goku's goofy GV fantasy. It's HUMOR, people, HUMOR!!

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The Saiyan Facts of Life! Teaching Goten

by Orchideater

A lone figure streaked through the sky, the early midday sun warming his back. His clothes and hair grew damp as he playfully dove through banks of puffy clouds, looping and twisting, and sometimes skimming his feet along the treetops. His playtime with Trunks had been cut short that day, but Son Goten always knew how to make the best of any situation, and be happy, like his father. Besides, he now had some very important questions to ask when he arrived home.

Flying into the Mt. Paouzu area, Goten spotted his house and grinned at the sight of his father and brother outside, Goku chopping wood and Gohan sitting up against the house, studying from a fat Chemistry textbook. Then Chichi called them for lunch, and both instantly dropped what they were doing and stampeded into the house.

"All right, lunch!" Goten made a nose-dive for the ground and rushed inside. "Hi everybody, I'm back."

Gohan and Goku gave him a smile and a nod of acknowledgment in between mouthfuls, and Goku waved him over to the table with an egg roll.

"Oh, Goten, sweetypie, you're back home early," Chichi cooed. "You're just in time for lunch. Come on and sit down, before it's all gone."

Goten hopped into his seat and grabbed some food for himself, and Chichi seated herself next to him.

"So, honey, how was your morning at the Briefs? That Trunks wasn't trying to get you in trouble again, was he?"

"No, I had fun! We sparred, and I beat Trunks- it was so cool! I think he got sick or something though, that's why I had to come home."

"Ooo, you won? Wonderful, great job!"

"Yuh, gway juh," Goku cheered, his mouth full of food, and he gave him a thumbs up while Gohan reached over and ruffled his hair. Goten beamed and drank in the praise.

"Now just remember exactly what you did and do it at the next Budokai. That's too bad about Trunks though," Chichi continued. "Didja give him a bloody nose?" She made an enthusiastic punching motion with her right arm.

"No, I didn't really understand what the problem was." Goten sat in silence for a moment, then dropped the bomb.

"Um, Mommy?"

"Yes, dear?"

"What's an erection?"

Sound and movement ceased. Chopsticks hung in the air midway to their destinations. Chichi and Gohan wore identical looks of gape-mouthed horror, Goku one of total surprise.

Chichi finally broke the silence, twitching. "Uhh... Goten, honey... why do you ask?"

Goten launched into a lengthy explanation. "Well, I was sparring with Trunks, and I won! And he was ticked off, so when we landed he jumped me and we wrestled and played around and stuff, and then he got this really terrified look on his face and he all of a sudden pushed me away and ran into the house and locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out.

"An' Miz Bulma went in and talked to him a minute and then she came back out and told me I ought to just go home cause she and Mr. Vegeta had to have a talk with Trunks, and I asked her what was wrong and she said Trunks had started puberty and he just got one of his first adult erections and he was too embarrassed to come out, and I asked her what those were and she said I needed to ask Mommy and that it was you guys' job to tell me about the facts of life, not hers."

He took a huge breath. "So what's a puberty? What facts? What happened to Trunks?"

Chichi twitched further, sweating nervously. "Uh... well... S-so Trunks got his ... first major... um..."

Goku unfroze all of a sudden and burst into peals of laughter. "AH-ha-ha-ha-hah! T-Tell Trunks congratulations for me, ah-ha-hah!"

"Okay, I will!"

"Goku-sa!! You stop that laughing right now! This is serious." Chichi half-covered her face in annoyance as Goku only laid his head down and laughed harder, pounding the table with his fist.

"What? What's so funny? What is it? You guys quit leavin' me out!"

"Nothing's funny. You're too young to hear about such stuff yet, Goten," Chichi said primly, settling back in to eat as if that closed the matter.

"Nooo! Mooooooommeee!! They're telling Trunks!"

Gohan leaned over and whispered in his mother's ear. "Mom, he is 11. He'll start soon anyway, and if Trunks has started he's going to see his changes all the time and the questions won't go away. He might as well know."

Chichi sent him a death glare.

"Know real general basics, I mean!"

"But... my baby..."

"Come on, tell me about this stuff!"

"Ah, honey... you should really talk to another grown-up boy about this and not me."

"But-"

"Look, honey, how about this. After lunch, Gohan can take a break from his studies and you and him can go for a nice walk in the woods, and he'll answer all your questions and tell you all you need to know. All that you need to know right now, anyway," she muttered, then forced a smile. "How's that sound?"

"Yeah, okay!"

"O-Okay, sport, we'll do that," Gohan stuttered. Giving his little brother an impromptu sex ed lesson was not how he'd planned to spend his afternoon.

"Ah-ha-HA-ha-ha-ha-hah... hey, what?" Goku composed himself and wiped the stray rice off his face.

"Don't worry, Goku-sa, Gohan's taking care of it. Here, have some more pickled daikon- it's one of your favorites."

"Hey! Now wait a minute, I'm his father, I get to be the one to tell him about the facts of life."

"W-Well, he and Gohan have already made an appointment..." she said, avoiding his eyes, but Goku wouldn't hear any of it.

"Hey, Goten! Wouldn't you rather go out with me today? Just you and me, it'll be great! We'll have a swim, a fish roast, and then I'll tell you everything you want to know."

Chichi cringed at the word "everything."

"Yeah, awesome! I want to go with Daddy." Goten had already sensed this was a weighty topic, and he knew that if he went with Gohan he would get a long boring lecture, but with his father it might be fun. Besides, he didn't often get to spend a whole day alone with his father. When they found time for father-son outings, Gohan almost invariably came along.

Gohan nervously glanced at his mother. She gave him a desperate head shake, combined with a look that clearly read, "You'd better fix this!"

"Urr, Dad, I'm sure Goten would feel more comfortable talking to his big brother about this. After all, I was his father figure for seven years."

"No way, I want to go with Daddy."

Goku was smug. "See? It's my job, I'm his father."

"But..." He turned back to his mother and she gave him a fierce look. Gohan decided to try and be forceful.

"Look, Dad, I'm sorry to step on your toes, but Goten should have a facts-of-life lesson that is socially aware, myth-free, and scientifically accurate, and you don't have the education to give him that. I'll have the talk with him."

Goku frowned in disbelief for a moment, then stood, smacking the palms of his hands flat against the table, and fixed his eldest with a challenging glare. "Go-HAN!"

"Uh... B-But then there's nothing like a nice old-fashioned father-son chat, eh-heh! You guys have fun!"

Goku instantly snapped back to his cheerful self. "Great! C'mon, Goten, let's get ready to go right now. I've had enough to eat, and we'll catch some fish in the river."

"Woo-hoo!" Goten threw his arms in the air and ran to get their camping gear, while Goku briskly took his dirty dishes to the sink and pulled their special camping pot out from the cupboard.

Gohan sidled cautiously forward. "Uhh, Dad? Why is this so important to you?"

Goku paused in his preparations and turned to him. "Well," he said slowly, "because it's my duty as a father. I always regretted that I never got to have this conversation with you. We were so busy training and worrying about the end of the world, and you were still so young- there never seemed to be the right time to tell you properly."

Goku put a hand on his son's shoulder and lightly cradled the side of his head with the other. "So many times in heaven, I would run through my head exactly what I would have said, how I would have done it, even though I knew my chance was gone forever. I don't want to lose that chance again with Goten. I already missed out on the first seven years of his life, I... I want to do this right, at least. I want to give him that all-important talk. It won't make up for the one lost between you and me, but... it means a lot to me."

"Dad..." Gohan was nearly moved to tears. He had no idea...

Silence between the two as they shared a meaningful gaze. Goku frowned then, the odd logic of his peculiar imagination running away with him again.

"You... don't still need that talk, do you?"

"Dad, NO!!" Gohan shrieked in embarrassment.

"Oh, okay, I assumed, you know, but I thought I'd just check to make sure, ha-ha! Well, if you ever have any questions, you know, about anything, feel free to ask me, okay? Okay? You can ask me!"

"Okay, dad." Gohan sat back down, burying his flaming red face in his hands.

"All right then! Come on Goten, let's take off." He gave his son and wife a nod of farewell. "We'll see you guys by dinnertime."

"YEAH! We're going camping, we're going camping, we're going camping, and Gohan DOESN'T get to come, and Dad's gonna tell me ev-er-y-thing!" Goten sang.

"Oh my baby!" Chichi grabbed the little bundle of energy into a suffocating hug and dropped to her knees, peppering his cheeks with kisses. Tears poured down her face. "Oh my little baby! Mommy's sweetheart!"

"Yeah, Mommy."

"Always remember Mommy loves you, and to me you'll always be my sweet innocent little baby!"

Goten squirmed, desperate to escape and follow his father. "Okay, Mommy." Chichi only held onto one leg now.

"You may come back from this trip a man, but I'll always think of you as that tiny bundle I held in my arms, that little tiny baby who would laugh and giggle and pee in Gohan's face when I would change your diaper!"

"O-KAY, Mommy!" Goten finally freed himself and caught up with Goku, and with a final cheery wave they took off into the sky.

"You two have fun," she said weakly, drying her eyes. As soon as the two were in the sky and out of earshot she pounced on Gohan.

"Gohan! What's the matter with you, I was counting on you! Why did you give in?"

"W-Well, Dad gave me his 'big battle face!' That's the face he gave Cell and Buu and Frieza and the rest and he gave it to me! And I mean, you could see how important it was to him- how could I argue after that speech he gave?"

Chichi groaned. "I can't believe this is happening so soon. Darn that little pervert Trunks. He better not have been having thoughts about my baby."

"Mom, I'm sure it was completely innocent. They were wrestling, and Goten was probably, er, just rubbing him the wrong way."

"Ugh. Well, I guess there's nothing we can do now. But I expect you to assume damage control when they get back."

"Okay, okay! I was already thinking to give Goten a second talk this evening, to actually give him some accurate information. God, I hate to think of what screwed up info Dad's going to tell him- hopefully he'll at least get the 'tab A into slot B' basics correct."

Chichi gave him an annoyed look. "Gohan, your father's not stupid. I'm just afraid he'll blurt out way more than Goten needs to know at that age."

Gohan rolled his eyes, and could only think of when his father first met Videl, and exclaimed: "Gohan, you didn't tell me your friend was a girl! She is a girl, right?" He had wanted to die of embarrassment, but covered it masterfully.

Gohan had read scores of books on human sexuality, anatomy, and function. His father had never had any formal education at all. Goku couldn't possibly give Goten an adequate introduction to the complexities of the world of sex... could he?

---

Goku scanned the woody landscape below, and spotted one of their favorite camping spots.

"Goten! Right down there!" he shouted, pointing.

Goten grinned and nodded and they descended. Goku gave his son the job of setting out the pots, blanket, and few other things they had brought, and also to prepare a place for the fire. Meanwhile, he set off into the woods for tinder.

Firewood was found quickly, and before he returned he took a moment to gaze upward at the mild blue sky, take a deep breath, and enjoy the moment. This was his ultimate duty as a father, and he wanted the day to be perfect. He imagined in his mind's eye how it would go:

A beautiful day like this one, and a camping trip. He and his son would go swimming and fishing, make a great catch and have a wonderful snack. Then they would sit before the fire, and Goku would tell him all about what it meant to be a man. Goten's questions would be answered easily and fully. They would talk and laugh and bond.

And when there was no more left to be said, they would stand and get ready to go, and Goten would look up at him with adoration in his eyes, hug him, and say: "Dad, you're the greatest! You know everything."

To which Goku would ruffle his hair fondly and reply, "Nah, not me. There's always more to know, Goten, always more to know."

Yeah, it'll be perfect...

"DADDY!"

Goku yelped and nearly dropped half his firewood, then looked down to see an eager Goten standing at his side.

"Daddy, why are you just staring up at the sky? I'm done setting up! Can I help you?"

"Yeah, sure, kiddo, here." He gave him a portion of the wood, which Goten bunched together and held under one arm.

"Daddy! Did I tell you that I beat Trunks today? It was so cool! We circled each other, and he came at me with a right-arm punch but I blocked it, and I got a great kick to his middle- waa-pow!- and then a great ki blast- bzzzooo! BOOM!- and he went supersaiyan and so I went supersaiyan- are you listening Daddy? Daddy!"

"Yes, I'm listening, Goten."

Goten related every minute detail of the fight, complete with appropriate sound effects, for a full ten minutes. Goku could only marvel at how unnaturally revved up he seemed (and at how he could talk so fast and for so long without taking a breath).

"And I WON! Isn't that cool, Daddy? It was a good fight, right? I told you everything so it'd be like you were there."

"Yeah, that was a great fight, Goten. I can tell you're improving. You do me proud."

Goten beamed like the sun. "And, and we had another great fight last week that I came close to winning, I can tell you about that! We started on the ground, and went supersaiyan right away, and I rushed at Trunks but missed, but I got him with my foot then-"

"Ahm, Goten, you and Trunks had a snack this morning at the Briefs, right?"

"Huh? Yeah, we did."

"And how many sodas did Miz Bulma let you have?"

"Six."

Ahh, frigging great! He knew it. Now Goten would be bouncing off the walls for hours to come. Dammit, Bulma... Goku thought hard for a good way to burn off some of Goten's extra energy.

"Why, is that bad, Daddy? Daddy!"

"Uh, yeah, it kind of is. Next time I want you to limit your sodas to one a day, if that, okay? But now, how about we play a game?"

"Okay!"

"I want you to show me how fast you are now."

"Yeah! I've gotten lots faster than I used to be, Daddy, I'm really fast!" The wood he'd been carrying clattered to the ground.

"Yes, great. Now give me your watch." Goten quickly handed it over. "I'm going to time how long it takes you to fly around the world, okay? And I'll meet you back at camp. You ready?"

"Yeah!"

"Alright now..."

Goten flared his ki, tensing his body like a spring.

"Go!"

The boy blasted off at top speed and disappeared over the treetops. As soon as he was gone Goku slumped over and let out a huge sigh of relief. Well, that should wear him down some.

So Goten's high as a kite. Just a minor setback, they could work around that.

Goten returned in only 15 minutes, so Goku then sent him around the world the other way, over the equator instead of the poles, without going supersaiyan. This time he returned panting, and Goku figured they could go ahead and take a swim.

Much splashing, head-dunking, and chasing about ensued before they got serious about hunting the afternoon snack. Goku spotted an enormous dome-backed razortooth, but instead of catching it he shooed it towards Goten. Goten's eyes went huge with glee as he saw the fish barreling toward him, and he seized it and then sprang above water, gasping loudly.

"Daddy! Look at this fish! It's gotta be the best one in the entire river!"

"Ha ha, wow. I bet you're right! Why don't you take that right up to camp and put it on the spit?"

"Yeah!"

Goten blasted out of the stream and ran up the bank, holding the fish high above his head like a trophy. Goku had to laugh- those skinny bare legs pumping as fast as they could reminded him of a sandpiper on the beach.

His youngest son had grown a good five inches from that day he first met him at the Buu tournament. Unlike Gohan at age eleven, however, he was lanky and wiry. Damn strong, but still skinny and round-faced.

Goten turned back and gave him a victory sign after he'd killed and skewered the fish.

He's almost as innocent as I was at that age, Goku mused. Which means I've got my work cut out for me.

As a home-schooled child, Goten spent a lot of time around just his family, and his only time away in the bustle of the city was usually to play with Trunks. Bulma might let the boys eat whatever they wanted, but she remained blessedly strict about how much and what kind of TV and video games they watched and played. Goten never really played with other kids his age- never thought he needed to, since he was so tight with Trunks- so at age 11 he still remained remarkably sheltered.

Although certainly not as unenlightened to the ways of the world as Goku had been at that age, Goten remained enough so that Goku saw a part of himself in the energetic young boy. A shame that innocence had to end. Someday he would go to school in the city and start worrying about lovers and relationships and his appearance, but until that day came Goku and his wife would treasure the innocence.

Goku dove below the water and collected some crayfish and edible water grasses for a side to their meal, and joined his son on the shore, where Goten already had the fish roasting over the fire.

"When are you gonna tell me about Trunks' pew-ber-tee and stuff, Daddy?"

"After we eat, kiddo, be patient."

They enjoyed a tasty meal, then returned to the stream to wash off stray fish grease and scale.

Goku and Goten swished the excess water off themselves with their hands, Goku running through his lesson plans in his head all the while.

"Goten, let's go sit by the fire and have our talk now, okay?"

"Yeah, finally!" Goten ran to get his T-shirt and shorts.

"Just leave that, Goten, and come sit."

Goku settled onto the mat in front of his son. He cleared his throat, put on his most sage face, and began his speech. "Goten, you're about to enter a time in your life when-"

"So what's an erection, Daddy? You said you'd tell me."

"Er, yeah, I'll get to that, Goten."

"Tell me now! Does it hurt? Trunks is okay, right?"

"Goten, just let me talk. I'll get to all that."

Goku started over. "Ah-hehm! Now, uh... okay. You're about to enter a time of great change. You'll notice these changes in your body, inside and out. Now, the time when all those changes are taking place is called puberty, where you'll be doing a lot of growing."

Goten was thrilled. One question answered! "Puberty. Growing and stuff, okay. So when do I start that? Trunks is getting ahead of me!"

"Er, well-"

"So after you tell me everything will that help me start?"

"Heh! No, no, no, you can't just make puberty start. Your body decides when it's time. I think

the time kids start puberty depends on their family history."

"When did you start?"

"Me? Oh, I was what you call a 'late bloomer.' Really late bloomer. I was a shrimp for so long, Bulma thought I was never going to grow up. I hardly grew until I was 16, and then all of a sudden I had this enormous growth spurt, even had to stop my training for a while and focus on meditating-"

Goten balled up his fists and let out a wail of outrage. "Sixteen?! Noooo, I don't wanna have to wait that long! It's not fair! Trunks has started already, he's gonna make fun of me!"

"Shh! Goten, relax, I-"

"It's not fair!"

"Goten! Calm down. I was going to say that I doubt it'll be like that for you. Gohan had a much more even growth, and you're already taller than I was at your age. So don't worry about it, you'll be fine."

"Ohh. Great, I hope you're right. I want to start!"

"What's your hurry? You should enjoy being a kid."

"Yeah, I guess. I just don't want Trunks makin' fun of me."

"You keep saying that. Has he been gloating because he's started and you haven't?"

Goten considered for a moment. "No, he's actually been kinda quiet lately, almost shy, which is really weird for him."

"Ah, see, he's embarrassed about the changes he's starting to go through. He's probably afraid that you'll make fun of him."

"He's worried about what I'll say? You really think so?"

"Yeah, sure. I bet Trunks is feeling pretty awkward and vulnerable lately, so you shouldn't tease him about any changes that are happening to him."

Goten suddenly looked a bit guilty and worried. "Oh, I did kinda tease him about his voice. It's been all funny lately, like it'll be normal and then go scratchy or go up and down on him. Is that part of puberty?"

"Yes! Exactly. Body changes. Let's go back to what I was talking about before, okay?" Goku said, trying to veer him back on track. "Now, first of all, I want you to look at our bodies, and tell me what differences you see."

"Uhh, you're way taller!"

"Well, yeah, and what else?"

"You're way bigger!"

"Er, yeah, let's go from there. Now, see, because I'm an adult, I'm bigger and taller. When you start puberty, you're going to start growing into your adult body."

"So I'll get taller."

"Yes, but besides that you'll also become much wider in the shoulders," Goku traced a line in the air over his own shoulders with his fingers, "and in the chest. As you get older you'll become more muscular in the chest and arms, and well, just all over. Everything becomes sturdier and more defined."

"Yeah! I wanna have muscles like you and Gohan and Mr. Vegeta!"

Goku chuckled, taking a moment to crook his arm and flex the huge bicep. "Heh, well, you just keep up your training, and it'll happen."

Goten suddenly grabbed hold of his father's upper arm and squeezed to the point of pain. "Cool! Yeah, I'm gonna train hard!"

"Ouch!" He rubbed his arm, half expecting two little red handprints to appear. "Take it easy, kiddo. You can't have mine, you've got to grow your own."

Goten laughed and flopped backwards onto the mat. "Okay, so what else? Go on."

"Well, your jaw will lengthen and stand out a bit, and your face will lose some baby fat so it will look less round. Your voice will change, too."

"Like what's happening to Trunks."

"Yes, his voice is changing over, so when he talks now it wobbles and breaks. When it's done changing it will be a deeper adult voice."

"But mine won't change that much, right?"

"Hm?"

"Cause you and Gohan have high voices. Trunks is probably having trouble cause he's like his dad and Mr. Vegeta has this really deep grumbly voice, but you have this high chirpy voice-"

"I don't chirp."

"Yes you do! Actually sometimes it's almost girly."

Goku twitched and folded his arms tightly. "My voice is NOT girly! I have a light, breezy tenor and so does Gohan. Tenor is a man's voice."

"I dunno, when you scream sometimes you get really shrill..."

"Can we just move on, please?" Goku snapped, an anger vein bulging on his forehead. This conversation was not going as easily as he'd envisioned in his fatherly fantasies.

"Uh, okay... forgot where I was..." Goku counted off topics on his fingers, willing himself to calm down. "Time of great change, body changes... okay. Okay. Your voice will change, and you'll start feeling sexual desires. Your sex organs," Goten looked blank, so Goku pointed. "Your 'boy parts' will start to develop and mature. Now, see the difference between your parts and mine?"

Goten tilted his head and studied Goku. "Yours are a lot more dangly than mine, and you have that patch of hair there."

"Yes, that's because I'm an adult and you're still a kid. When you go through puberty the pubic hair grows in- see, puberty, pubic- and the penis and balls grow and develop to their adult size."

"Does that hair itch?"

"No, it's just hair. The hair on your head doesn't itch, does it?"

"Okay. So when I'm grown up my parts will look like that?"

"If you're lucky. Ha, ha!"

Goten gave him a confused look.

"Er, never mind. Anyway, now I can explain to you about erections."

"Yeah, finally! It has to do with the weenie, right? Cause Trunks had his hands over his when he ran off."

"Yes, yes." Goku's brow creased. "Frankly I don't see how you can not know what an erection is. You must've had them before."

"I have?"

"Goten, an erection is when a boy's penis gets stiff and stands up. Hasn't that ever happened to you?"

"Oh, is that it? I get those every now and then but they go away fast. Mommy always called it my 'condition.' She said it's a condition that boys get from too much rubbing, and that it's rude and I should avoid rubbing down there at all costs."

Goku sighed in aggravation. "Yeah, that sounds like your mother. Look, erections are a natural thing for boys, it's just that sex is supposed to be kept private, and erections are part of sex. The erections you've had so far are just from sensation, but once puberty starts you'll have sexual desire, and those erections will be more, er, intense and may not go away so easily."

"What's a sexual desire?"

"Oh, geez... it's kind of hard to describe a feeling. It's... It's when you look at a person and find what you see very appealing, and you have the urge to be very close to them and touch them all over intimately. It's kind of a warm, tingly feeling; you feel sort of nervous, sort of frustrated, but excited, like you're anticipating something great. It's not just rubbing yourself and liking the feeling, it's a lot more than that."

Goten nodded, trying to comprehend. "So what do I do when I have a sexual desire?"

"Okay, that brings us to the subject of sex. When you're with a person you feel attracted to, and the other person likes you too and also wants to have sex, you can go someplace private and have sex. Let's start with the basics: a man and a woman."

Goku leaned over and drew in the sand a very simplified picture of a woman's anatomy. "This is what a woman looks like between her legs. A woman has a triangle of hair here, and in between the legs there's these folds of skin, and if you push them apart, you can see the parts inside. At the top there's a little fleshy button, and that button is for the woman like a penis is for a man. If you rub it, it feels really good for her. There's a tiny hole below it where the pee comes out, and then a larger hole below that where a man puts his erection during sex. This-"

"Puts his weenie inside her?! Why would somebody want to do that?"

"Because it feels really good for the man. The pair will start out with kissing and touching, and when they're ready they'll move on to touching private parts. The man gets an erection and then enters the woman, and pushes in and out. That's the bare-bones basics of sex. Can you kind of picture what I'm talking about?"

"Yeah... I guess so," Goten answered slowly. "I still don't understand why people would want to do that, though."

"You'll understand when you're older, after puberty."

"But why go through all that? Seems kind of pointless and gross."

"People do it because it feels incredibly good. And people want kids, so they have sex. Babies are made by having sex."

Goten was gobsmacked. "That's how babies are made?! How does that happen?"

Goten knew full well that babies grew inside a woman's belly and then were expelled out somehow, but had no idea of the details. Chichi had told him that a baby grows inside a woman like a flower grows in a garden: the man gives a woman his seed and the woman nurtures and grows the baby inside her till it's time to come out. Goten had always vaguely imagined his father presenting his mother with a magic, chickpea-like seed, which she happily accepted and swallowed, and she took over the job from there.

"Um, well the woman's body produces a little tiny egg, and the man's body produces these tiny squiggly things called sperm- they're so small you can't see them- and when the man is in the woman during sex they go into her and try to fertilize the egg. You know how most chicken eggs have the usual yellow yolk, but sometimes we'll get an egg that's reddish and gross inside? The yellow egg is an egg that's not fertilized, and the red is an egg that is fertilized and has what would have grown up to be a chicken inside it. Those eggs happen when the rooster gets to the hen before the farmer can stop him. So human girls too have a lot of eggs that don't get fertilized and become a baby."

"So, to make a baby an egg is fertilized, but it grows inside the woman instead of outside like the chickens."

"Yeah, yeah, it grows in her belly."

"So sex is for making babies."

"Well, yes, at its most basic level, but people usually have sex just for the pleasure, and to be close to someone. A baby isn't made every time."

"How can you make sure it's just for fun and not to have a baby?"

"Oh, you want to know about birth control," Goku said uneasily. He was hardly an expert on the subject.

"Er, well, I think that's something the woman mostly takes care of... Chichi always took these little white pills; Bulma too, I think... Yeah, the woman buys certain pills to keep from getting pregnant, and she takes them so you don't have to worry. Oh, yeah, and there's another way that the guy takes care of, it's called a condom-"

"I know what those are, Daddy!"

"You do?"

"Yeah! Uncle Yamcha showed his to me and Trunks."

Goku blanched. "He... he did?"

"Yeah, it was cool! He was really proud of it, and he said we could come and play whenever we wanted."

"I-Is that so?"

"It was kind of a mess but Yamcha said that's the way he likes it-"

Must... kill... old EX-friend...

"And it has a great view and this squishy chair that's like a huge beanbag, and-"

"Whoa, wait, hold on a second. What are you talking about?"

"Uncle Yamcha lives in a condom!"

Goku fell over and burst out laughing. "Goten! You mean a condo. He lives in a condo! Bwa-ha-ha-hah!" Goku had a sudden vision of an irked Yamcha struggling to free himself from a Blob-like full body condom.

Goten was not amused. "Hey, are you makin' fun of me?"

"No, no, it's just funny. Kid, you scared me half to death for a moment," Goku said, wiping the tears from his eyes. He winked at his son and grinned. "Hey, don't feel bad. I think I've actually mixed up those words in the past too."

"So what's a condom, if it's different from a condo?"

"Oh, well, a condom is like... it's like a rubber sleeve that the guy puts over his erection before he enters his partner."

"Ew, that must feel weird. Does it, daddy?"

"Weeell, I've never actually used one, cause the only woman I've ever been with is your mother. I think the deal is you're supposed to use them if you're with a woman you're not married to, so she doesn't get pregnant. They're also called 'protection.'

"So, anyway, those are the basics of puberty and sex. Now, you don't go out and start having sex just because you can. Sex should be with somebody you care about, and you shouldn't do it before you feel ready. If Trunks feels ready before you, don't you go ahead and have sex before you feel okay with it just to keep up with him. When you hit puberty hormones are going to kick in and you may get kind of girl-crazy and nuts for sex and frustrated if you're not getting any when you feel you need it, but you have to learn control over yourself and learn to manage your sex life responsibly. Sex is a very serious thing. You have to take into consideration the feelings of your partner and not just your own. It's fun, but it's a big responsibility. Okay?"

"Okay. What did you mean, I may get frustrated?"

"Oh, well, that's when your body's wanting sex and you haven't had any for a long time, and you get pent up or frustrated. You can usually keep that at bay by meditation or by taking care of yourself."

"What?"

"Uh, by masturbating. Pleasuring yourself. It's better when you have a partner, but you don't have to be with someone else to feel sexual pleasure."

"Really? You can do it without a girl, just by yourself, anytime?"

"Yeah. You want to do that in private where no one can hear you, though."

"That's awesome! Show me how that works, daddy!"

Goku sweatdropped and blushed pink at his son's inappropriate request. "Show you? Oh-ho no, NO. That's a bad idea. You're too young to be seeing something like that. It's supposed to be done in private."

"I am NOT too young! And we are in private, it's just you and me!"

"Well, I mean, you're supposed to be alone."

"How am I supposed to know how to pleasure myself and not get frustrated if you don't show me?"

"Well I could explain it to you. See, you start by-"

"No, I want to see how it works! Come on, show me, so when I do it I'll know I'm doing it right and won't look stupid. If I could see how this sex stuff works I'd understand a lot more!"

"God, Goten, I can't just..." Goku stopped and considered it for a moment. Perhaps it actually would be a good learning experience for Goten to see first-hand how the adult male body works.

"Come on, pleeeaaase?"

Nope, Goten was still way too immature.

"The answer's no. Now stop asking, Goten," he said firmly, rising from his seat and turning to begin gathering their things to go. Goku hoped this would work, but didn't raise those hopes too high. He knew that once Goten took a particular interest in something he held on like a pit bull with lockjaw, and this was one of those particular somethings.

Sure enough, Goten also leapt to his feet, furious. "DADDY!!! I wanna see!" He smacked his fist against Goku's back hard enough to leave a bruise.

"Ow! Dammit, Goten, I told you no."

No dice. Goten unleashed his greatest weapon, a weapon that flattened all resistors with its relentless force, the devastating, undefeated, Super Goten Whining Attack.

"NnnnnnNNNNNHH!! You have to show me! I wanna see, I wanna see! Everybody else probably knows and I'm gonna be left out, and Trunks is gonna know, and I bet Mr. Vegeta has shown Trunks cause he wouldn't want him to be left out and not know, and I bet Mr. Vegeta wouldn't have a problem with it, and-"

This surprised Goku. How was Vegeta telling Trunks the facts of life? Goku had been so preoccupied with his own lesson plans that he'd never thought to ask him how he would do it, and now he wished he had. Maybe a demonstration wasn't such a big deal. It was only showing him how the body works.

Goten's whining ground on till Goku felt a major headache forming.

"And Trunks is gonna! get! ahead of me!" Goten punctuated each word with a stamp of his foot.

Goku had to chuckle. Where in the world could he have gotten that competitive nature? He decided not to waste his breath trying to tell his son that Trunks was already ahead of him and always would be, since he was a year older.

"All right, all right Goten! You're making me crazy. I'll give it a try, just so you can see how it works. But I really shouldn't, so this stays between you and me, okay? No blabbing to anybody, not even Trunks. Your mother and Gohan would have a heart attack if they found out I showed you this."

"I will daddy! Now show me, show me!" Goten yelled, thrilled with his victory. Trunks may have been the king of tantrums, but Goten wasn't too shabby at manipulating his parents either.

Ugh. How do I get myself into these things? Goku wondered, running a hand through his thick hair and casting his eyes heavenward.

Goku walked away from the fire into the shade of the forest, and seated himself up against the trunk of a tree, then looked over to see that Goten had followed and plopped down right next to him.

Goku sweatdropped. "Look, kiddo, I can't have you sitting that close. Go over by that reddish rock," he said, pointing to a spot fifteen feet away.

"But I won't be able to see as well!"

"You'll be able to see just fine. If you want me to do this, you gotta go over there."

Goten ceded the issue and sat down Indian-style at the appointed place, chin in hand, and scrutinized his father like a scientist studying a five-legged frog.

Goku blushed further now that he felt like a performer under the spotlight. It took quite a lot to fluster Son Goku, but right now he'd never felt so embarrassed in his whole life. How was he supposed to get hard with his 11-year old son watching him like a hawk? Too late to change his mind now, though: he'd given his word and Goten was counting on him. He'd just need one hell of a great fantasy to focus on.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, took hold of himself and set to work.

Goten was NOT there, he was all by himself.

Chichi emerged from the forest, wearing a skimpy fur bikini, a freshly killed pig slung over her shoulder. She smirked, dropped the carcass, and came swaying over, wiggling and jiggling all her assets.

"Goku-saaa," she drawled, "you poor suffering baby. Would you like me to help you?" Chichi came toward him, knelt down and leaned forward...

"Woo! Look how tall it stood up!" Goten busted in, laughing at the sight which to him, seemed bizarre. "Haha, you did that like magic- that's so funny!"

Goku ground his teeth. "Ungh. Yeah, hilarious," he rasped, trying not to lose the hard-on. "Goten-"

"So that's a grown-up erection, and that's what goes inside a girl, right?"

"Right. Goten, shut up and ask me questions later, I need you to be quiet so I can forget you're here!"

Goten sat back down, slightly miffed by his father's irritable answer. He was trying to ignore him? How rude.

Okay, forget that, forget that, Goku coached himself. Focus!

In his mind he turned back to fantasy Chichi, but the moment was over. Chichi was back in her traditional, conservative dress and bun, and gave him an indignant slap in the face.

"Shame, shame on you Goku-sa, for teaching my baby such nasty, delinquent habits! You should not be teaching him to take advantage of his condition!" She then ran off, asking a distant Gohan if he was caught up on his thesis and sweetly promising to make him a study snack.

Ugh, even in his fantasies she was uptight. He popped the thought bubble and tried to concentrate just on the sensations from his hand, desperately casting about for another fantasy.

There was always that one- no, he shouldn't even be thinking about that, it was so ridiculous, and the uke would absolutely murder him if he found out... but he really, really liked it, and no one ever had to know...

Ah, what the hell! Nobody could read his mind.

Goku squeezed his eyes shut tighter and transported himself into the fantasy.

"Help! Oh, will no one help me? Will no brave soul save me from this brute fiend?" Vegeta wailed, his voice high and twittery. The aforementioned fiend had tied him to a tree, dressed in a huge, flouncy pink and yellow princess dress with oh-so fabulous jewels decorating his tall hair.

"Silence, mongrel!" Frieza, strangely dressed in a old-tyme suit and handlebar mustache, backhanded him. "No one can hear your cries for help. You are mine! I will ravage you and then slay you in the most painful manner, for I have sworn to leave no filthy saiyan alive. Mwahahahahah!"

"No, please, no! Help!"

Time for the hero's dramatic entrance. "Stop, you fiend!"

SSJ Goku flew in, dressed in saiyan breastplate and shoulderplate armor over top of his usual orange and navy gi. "In the name of the High Court of Vegetasei, I demand you release the royal prince!"

Frieza scowled while the prince's face lit up like a Roman candle. "It's him! The greatest knight in all the land, Son Goku Kakarot!"

Goku landed and pointed an accusing finger. "Unhand him this instant, you scum of the universe."

"Come and fight then, I'll not surrender such a prize so easily. But be warned, we of the Kold clan are invincible, undefeated, uncontested-"

A ki blast too fast to be seen sliced Frieza into five separate pieces, and in the very next motion, Goku sent two blasts with his other hand that freed the prince from his bonds.

Vegeta pulled himself loose, hiked up his skirts, and fluttered over to his rescuer, all smiles. "Oh, sweet knight! I am forever in your debt. I never dreamed I should be rescued by one so brave and strong and handsome as thee. How can I ever repay you?"

"Fair prince, I need no reward. My reward is in the joy of serving the saiyan court to the best of my ability, and to see a smile of such gratitude upon your glorious face."

"You are so modest." Vegeta's expression grew coquettish and wicked. "But surely there must be something I can do for you- something I could offer?"

"I need nothing, my lord. Duty is its own reward," Goku said, sweating, and stood tall, despite the massive hard-on rising to tent his pants.

"It seems your body refutes you. I will repay you; I must insist. Would you desire the pleasure of my company?"

"I am unworthy, my prince."

"Nonsense. You have saved my life and my honor, and are the greatest of all saiyan warriors. Please tell me you would accept my gift?" Vegeta's fingers stroked his chest plate and the bare flesh above it, looking up at him with sultry bedroom eyes.

Goku quickly lost his patience as well as the imagination to think up more flowery speech. "Ah, sure, sounds great, then."

"Wonderful." Vegeta stepped back and strange, funkadelic music with a jerky "waka-pow, chi-kow, chi-kow" rhythm began playing in the background. "Now that we've got that settled, stud," Vegeta said, his voice dropping several octaves back to its normal tone. He tugged on the collar of the dress and it magically split down the middle and fell off his body, revealing the tanned temple of rippling muscle. "Let's get bizzeee!"

Oh yeah, that's the stuff! Goku grinned, clenching his eyes tighter as he imagined pinning a writhing Vegeta to the ground. His body soon tensed for the climax of the drama in his head, closer, closer...

"Ahhhh-gyah, hah!"

Total bliss.

Goku slumped against the tree again, broad shoulders heaving as he panted. Damn, that was a good one, he thought. Felt like I shot it a good six feet away. I'll have to remember that fantasy, heh.

He wiped the sweat off his brow with a forearm, then finally opened his eyes... and looked right into Goten's worried face.

"Waa-ah!"

Totally forgot he was there!

Goten shook his father's shoulder in a panic. "Daddy, are you okay?! You got all... y-you looked like you were in pain."

"I'm great kiddo, you don't need to worry about me," he said, scrubbing his hands on the grass and giving a weak smile.

"But, but you burst something! Your insides squirted out!"

"No no no, Goten, that-"

"It's over there, maybe we could put it back in somehow." He ran over to inspect.

"Wah! Don't touch that!"

"Why? Is it dangerous?"

"No... It's just you're way too young to be touching stuff like that. That's supposed to come out during sex. It's a fluid called ejaculate, and it comes out like that during the climax, the part that's the most intense feeling. After that, sex ends."

"So... so you're alright, then?"

"Of course."

"And that felt good?"

"Very good."

"It didn't look like it felt good. It looked like it hurt. I-I don't think I want to do any of that kind of stuff."

Goku chuckled and ruffled his son's hair. "You'll understand when you're older. I probably should have stood my ground and not shown you that," he sighed. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I wasn't scared! Just... surprised."

"Uh-huh." Goku stretched his limbs like a cat and then clambered to his feet. "What do you say we head on home, kiddo- I'm pooped. There's so much to learn about sex I could talk for a week and not go over it all, but I think you've got the basic concepts now. Gohan wanted to give you a talk too, so he can just help fill in the blanks, okay?"

"Okay. So, how long do you think I'll have to wait to start puberty?"

"Mmm, I dunno. Probably just another year or so."

"A whole year, geeez. Trunks will be so far ahead of me. Isn't there anything I can do to make it happen faster?"

"Be happy with where you are, Goten. But there is one little thing you could do to sound older, at least."

"What's that?"

"Instead of 'Daddy' and 'Mommy,' you could call us 'Mom and Dad' or 'Mother and Father.' Y'know, how Gohan calls me Dad and your mother Mom? Mommy and Daddy seems to be what younger kids call their parents."

"Oh. Yeah, Trunks has teased me about that before, but he teases me about so much stuff I just ignored him. Okay, I'll call you 'Dad,' then, Daddy."

"Sounds good! And, you know, when you're older, if you have any more questions about your feelings, or what you need... or what kind of lover you want, or if what you feel seems different from everybody else's... well, you just come tell me and we'll have another talk, okay?"

Goku did another quick wash-up, and they dressed and packed. Goten, who had finally spent all of his manic energy, seemed quiet and contemplative as they broke camp.

Goku frowned in concern. This day hadn't gone at all like he'd pictured it. So much for fatherly hero fantasies about his young son telling him he was the smartest and the greatest. As long as Goten was happy with what he'd learned about the adult world, though, he guessed that was all that mattered.

"So, how do you feel about all that you learned today? I hope you're not worrying."

"No, no. I'm just kinda thinking, trying to remember everything and put it all together. There's so much... I've got a lot to learn, don't I?"

Goku grinned, grabbing him in a headlock and then hauling him high into the air in a backwards bear hug. "Yeah, but don't worry about it. You've got a good start, and you're already light years ahead on the subject than I was at your age. Relax, enjoy being a kid!"

Goten squealed and giggled as Goku swung his legs from side to side.

"Okay, Daddy. I mean Dad! Hwoo. You really know a lot about all that grown-up sex stuff, Dad. How did you learn?"

Goku brightened immensely. "Heh! Well, from experience- I've been around, kid. And let's just say Daddy has some... very knowledgeable friends.

"Hey!" Goku said, winking and pointing his index finger, deciding to go for the gusto. "Who's the smartest guy you know?"

"Gohan!"

Goku facefaulted. "Oh," he groaned, downcast.

"But you're the greatest," Goten said, glomping his side.

"Awww... Thanks, kid."

---

Goten fell into bed that night exhausted after such a full and mentally taxing day. As soon as father and son arrived home and Goten called Chichi "Mom" for the first time, she had burst into tears again, lamenting the loss of her darling baby, rounded on Goku telling him he was a bad influence, then topped off her hysterical rant by wailing about how old she was getting. Goten wondered if "Miz Bulma" was acting the same for Trunks or if he was the only one who had to endure such maternal dramatics.

Sure enough, that evening Gohan took him aside and hammered his brain with an acutely dry and technical "organ recital," replete with talk of placentas and sperm ducts and fallopian tubes, skimming very lightly over the sex act itself. Fortunately, Gohan's saving grace was that he did include the much neglected topics of sexually transmitted diseases and proper use of a condom that Goku had blithely skipped over.

Finally, after ending his speech with a thrilling lecture on cell mitosis, Gohan dared to ask his little brother how his day out with Dad had gone. Goten perked up out of his stupor and excitedly told him that he'd learned about erections, and what's between a woman's legs, how to have sex and how to masturbate, and how much fun they'd had swimming and fishing and talking.

Gohan blushed pink at his brother's frankness, aghast that Goku had actually told him that much, combined with a slight pang of jealousy that Goten had such a great bonding day with their father that he himself had missed out on at that age. Ah well, things happen as they will, and lost time could never be salvaged.

Maybe his father wasn't as ignorant on the subject as he'd thought. Maybe he might even work up the nerve to ask him about... No, no, he couldn't. Well, he'd think about it. He'd have to- college graduation was coming up fast, and Videl would be expecting a ring.

Gohan stroked his brother's hair and pulled the covers up over him further. Soon their beds would no longer adjoin, and he would leave home and move in with his fiancee.

One day public schooling and a powerful girl-mania would erode away Goten's innocence, and he would look back on this day with embarrassment. He would grow tired of people saying how much he looked like his father and cut his hair in his search for identity.

But Goku would always treasure the day they spent together, when he told his son about a man's world and his son told him he was the greatest.

---

The End

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Well, almost...

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Meanwhile at Capsule Corp...

(In Bulma's bedroom)

Vegeta: Alright boy, now pay attention cause I'm only going to show you this once.

Trunks: D-Dad, that's okay, I'll just read the book mom gave me- really, you don't have to...

Vegeta: Shut up and take notes. You okay, woman?

Bulma (too drunk on champagne to know he shouldn't be there): Ooowoooh! Ha-ha-hah, I'm doin' greeeaaaat, Veggsie-poo-kins...

Vegeta: Now *this* is what you do with a woman, brat.

Trunks: o.O (traumatized for life)

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A/N - When Goku met Videl for the first time, in the sub I have he said to Gohan, "I didn't know your friend was a girl! She is a girl, right?" *snicker* Apparently Goku still has problems distinguishing when the girl has the tomboy look. I hope I didn't write Goten too "young" for an 11-year-old. Remember though, he hasn't been out in the world much and doesn't go to public school; he hasn't been exposed to MTV and nasty television programs and Internet porn.

This is a self-contained one shot, but I plan to do two, *possibly* three more one-shots meant to continue after this storyline (my Saiyan Facts of Life series :). This one is the mildest and most comedic of the bunch, the rest will be of a much more serious yaoi persuasion. Gohan's musings at the end of this story about needing to ask Goku something should give you a hint about the kind of yaoi in part two. If that's not your thing, that's fine, that's fine! Just leave it at this one-shot, which I hope you enjoyed.

(Goku bursts in)

Gk: I've only got a minute till 'Geta gets here. He's on a rampage- you know why. I need to ask your advice.

OE: Me?

Gk: Yeah, how would I (whispers) *pssst* pssst*

OE: Uh-huh... yeah... uh-huh... Well, I would say your best plan of attack would be to make him lose a bet.

Gk: Alright! I'll try that.

(Enter Vegeta, snarling and breathing fire.)

Vg: YOU! Both of you! Thought I wouldn't find out did you? I was reading! You're dead meat for that fantasy scene!

OE: Eeee! (runs)

Vg (eyes widen): Hey... You were just conspiring with her about how to get me in that dress, weren't you?!

Gk: (deer in headlights)

Vg (throttles Goku): I - WILL- NEVER - WEAR - THAT - PRINCESS - DRESS - FOR - YOU - YOU - BAKA!!

Gk: Glakkkhh!

Vg: I oughta kill you for even thinking of that. And that tiki twit too, for writing it down!

OE: I thought it would be a great Goku fantasy: he gets to play the hero, be the big protector of his helpless and needy lover. And you can't kill me. You're in your little DBZ dimension while I'm here in my "real world" dimension.

Vg: Oh yeah? What if I use that screaming technique Buu used to tear a hole in the dimensions?

OE: (pales, changes subject) Come on, Veggles, at least let Goku explain himself.

Vg: Hmph! (drops Goku)

(Goku falls to the floor, sobbing and distraught. Vegeta begins to worry.)

OE: Now look, you really hurt him!

Vg: Oh that *couldn't* have hurt him.

Gk: Just leave me alone!

Vg: Kakarot, c'mon... Look... Look, I'm sorry. What can I do to make it better?

(Goku holds out princess dress.)

Vg: Why you little-!! (does a Homer Simpson)

Gk: GLAK!

Goten (suddenly appears and tugs at Goku's pant leg) You want Mr. Vegeta to wear a dress? I'll need that explained to me now.

Gk: Shit.

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The (real) End

p.s. - Please review!