Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ The Twisted Saiya-jin Tale ❯ Does anybody remember the website called Pork 'N Senzu Beans....? ( Chapter 8 )

A Twisted Saiya-jin Tale: chapter the eighth

 

By: %*&$!

(Yeah, I am running out of things to call myself. Why do you ask?)

 

Disclaimer: Akira Toriyama, creator, owner, author, etc. of DBZ, not me. Blah, blah, blah. In addition I saw a story on Fanfiction.net called "Use only as directed" recently and I was stunned that there are other people out there with the same potty humor as me. I did NOT rip this story off. My fanfiction was written last year for a contest on the Insaiyan site, but I never entered it since the original concept came from "Passion's Price" and "Seduced by the Devil" by the author/webmistress Vegeta Goddess. The fact that "Use Only as Directed" is similar to mine is purely coincidental.

 

Warning: Out of Character, Bathroom Humor, Naughty Language, Lime Flavored.

 

In the previous chapter a cure for Elderly Trunks "little" problem is found after Vegeta discovers there really is such a thing as a fate worse than death.

 

As the two Bulmas giggled over the pot they were stirring in the kitchen Vegeta and Goku sparred in the front yard. Vegeta also had the girl brats show what they could do. He wanted to see if they were as every bit as strong as they were smart. He had them do a drill of martial arts exercises for half an hour. Then after a few practice rounds against each other he had them square off one-on-one with him and their father. They were practicing their snap kicks when the Bulmas came out.

 

"We're finished! It just had to cool off a bit so Trunks-kun can eat it.", announced this dimensions Bulma.

 

"I put it in a large Tupperware bowl in the ship. He can eat it any time.", added Vegeta's Bulma.

 

Vegeta went over to where Trunks had settled beneath a tree to do some serious staring off into space. "Boy, get up. Your mama has made something special for you to eat."

 

"I'm really not that hungry right now. Though I could use a drink. I feel a bit parched." Then the ancient Trunks jerked back into the here and now and scratched his head with his six inch long talon-like black fingernails. "Mama? Mama you say!? Mama got et up by a green Aisu-jin! How can she be here? Is this heaven?"

 

"Feh, Boy! I can't wait till you're cured. Woman, first thing you do to him after he's fixed is a bath, a trim, a shave, and a clip! He has worse hygiene than Kakarotto!"

 

The other Bulma gave him a dirty look at this and the baka in question said, "Hey!", in a hurt tone. Vegeta ignored them both.

 

"Pack up what you need we are leaving for home, Woman."

 

"Just a minute! I need to give 'her' my counterpart a copy of the vaccine notes. 'Her' Goku went to Yardrat, too.", she ran into the ship and came back a few minutes later with a CD in her hand. "This will tell you how to manufacture the vaccine, but not how you're going to give it to Son-kun. That is, if he hates needles."

 

Goku shuddered in distaste while the other Bulma thanked her counterpart.

 

Vegeta and his Bulma were ready to leave. So they collected their son and boarded their ship and took off. Within minutes they headed up into the sky and when they reached an appropriate altitude Bulma engaged the time drive. POW! They were in non-space and non-time. They traveled along through the swirling primordial acid trip between dimensions while Bulma monitored the control panel.

 

When some system or other began beeping a warning she began pushing buttons. Then with a Bam! they entered yet another dimension. It was twilight. They peered through a portal. It was an empty looking world. It wasn't Namek, but it didn't look like Bulma's Earth, either. Wanting to get a better look at things in the fading light they opened the hatch and went down the ramp to look around. It looked like Vegeta's world. More or less. Just then a large, ugly Jiminy Cricket-like being dropped out of the sky in front of them. Only this one wasn't twirling a brolly and getting ready to sing a duet with Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy.

 

"Vegeta, you came back again. Fool! I don't know how you survived being absorbed. And I don't care, either. But this time I will get your space ship. You won't trick me again."

 

"Feh, you overgrown bug. I don't care what you are or who you are. All you are is some kind of perversion Freiza got up to on Namek with Piccolo, and nothing more. I'm gonna settle this once and for all."

 

"Fool. I am Perfect Cell. I am the creation of Dr. Gero. I am the peak achievement of his mechanical and genetic engineering genius. No one can stand against me in my perfect form. For I am PERFECT!"

 

"Think a lot of yourself, do ya bug boy? Get ready to throw down your best

move!", and with this Vegeta attacked and the fight was on! Ki blasts filled the air with a light show that would put any Fourth of July fireworks show to shame.

 

Meanwhile Bulma had run back up the ramp of the time ship to her elderly 'son'. "Trunks! Trunks! Come here, baby! Daddy and Mummy need you!"

 

She pulled the enormous bowl of youth restoring chili out of the refrigerator. And plunked it onto the table and began rummaging around in a drawer for a spoon.

 

"Mama? Mama? Is that you? I thought you were dead. Is this heaven? It sure don't look nothin' like what you said Son-kun told you it looked like. Where's King Kai?", Trunks said as he looked around himself. "I wanna hug Bubbles!"

 

"Son, mama will explain everything later, but now she needs you to eat this nice, tasty chili so you can help papa kill the nasty, green pervert outside."

 

"I'm not really hungry right now. Can't I eat it after my nap?"

 

She grabbed her elderly son by the shoulders and screamed, "NO! EAT IT NOW, DAMMIT!!! BEFORE WE END UP GETTING SUCKED UP BY THAT

GREEN MONSTER!!!", she paused a moment and added, "AGAIN!!!"

 

"Green monster? Where? Who? Huh?", the ancient one babbled in alarmed

confusion.

 

"EAT. CHILI. NOWWWWWWWW!", the irate genius howled loud enough

to rattle the ships portholes.

 

And with that she shoved Trunks into the chair in front of the table, slammed down the utensils in front of him, and he began baling chili over his beard into where a mouth was presumably located. He slurped up the spicy mess as fast as he could until the bowl was down to nearly the bottom. He pushed back the chair and stood up.

 

Bulma stared at him in breathless shock.

 

"The Senzu beans of her world healed instantly. Shouldn't these kind of Senzu beans be the same? Did cooking them destroy their ability to restore youth? Why wasn't anything happening? Did he eat enough or did he eat too much? Should I have served it with a side of cornbread?", ran through her head.

 

While he stood there swaying slightly. Something happened?! Yes, something was happening. His hair looked less white and more purple. Bulma heard a rumbling sound. It was coming from his stomach. He belched UUURRRP!!! He

looked a bit more alert.

 

"Oh, ewww, yuck! Was that really necessary?", she asked in disgust.

 

Trunks wasn't listening. Abruptly he turned around and ran staggering for the door. He missed the opening and crashed into the doorway. Hard. FLANNG!! The whole ship reverberated with noise. He staggered through and down the ramp and collapsed at the bottom. BRAAP!!! A bilious green cloud rose up from him and suddenly his hair and beard that had dragged the ground was shorter by a foot! He climbed to his feet. He looked at least thirty years younger than his previous age of one-hundred and sixty plus!

 

"Father, don't worry! I'll save you! He won't eat you and mum. I promise.", the slightly less ancient Trunks said. And shakily he rose up into the air to the combatants.

 

Vegeta and Cell weren't listening, however, they were to busy beating the $#!% out of each other. Just then Trunks cut loose again. BWAAAT!!! The tremendous blast propelled him upwards through the air a good fifty feet and backwards in time a good fifty years! Now his beard was almost gone and his hair was nearly entirely lilac. He steadied himself in the air. Pulled out his sword and zoomed over to his father and Cell.

 

"Cell, you got away from me once, but now you'll get what you've got coming to you and I don't mean my father's ki, either!", the now fully alert and nearly battle ready Trunks shouted. He began battering Cell upside the head with his rusty sword.

 

Vegeta marveled at the improvement in his son. PBBBT!!! Suddenly it looked as if Cell was starting to feel Trunks' sword swats.

 

"Nandekuso! He actually seems to know what day of the week it is! Maybe we have a chance of beating this @$$hole!", Vegeta thought. Cell was proving to be far tougher than he had originally estimated and he was beginning to worry.

 

Just then Trunks let out a FUUURP!!! and was sent tumbling forwards past Cell who was caught in the backwash of the Super Saiya-jin fart. He gasped and choked for oxygen in the enveloping, smelly green cloud.

 

Trunks put on the brakes and righted himself. He was now middle aged and didn't look that much older than Vegeta!

 

"Son! You are brilliant. Hit him again with that uh, um, unique Big Bang Attack of yours.", Vegeta exclaimed happily when he saw the fart's detrimental effect on Cell.

 

Trunks nodded and they both put their hands over their noses as he turned and aimed at his Perfect-ness. FFFWWEEET!!! Trunks somersaulted forwards a good twenty feet! Cell was weakening! And better and better; Trunks was a teenager and sizzling with youthful ki!

 

"One more barrage should finish him, brat! Give him a Gallic Gun Attack, now!", cried the father of the flatulent one joyously.

 

FOOM! FOOM! FOOOOOM!!! Trunks cart-wheeled into Cell with one last mighty blast. And with that Cell turned an even more peculiar shade of green than he was usually and dropped out of the sky. By this time Trunks' clothing was beginning to droop on him. He was not the teenager of the future that would make teenage girls (and boys) scream. He was more like the eleven year old mischievous

brat.

 

"Hey, Pop, I think I'm almost out of ammo! I think you'd better finish him off, now!", Trunks said as he began to lose altitude.

 

Vegeta swooped down to where Perfect Cell was on all fours and retching up his internal organs. Vegeta stretched his hands out in front of him and powered up for a ki blast. "So long Mr. Wonderful."

 

"That's PERFECT!", shrieked Cell who wobbled to his feet.

 

"Whatever." Baaaaaaaang!!! Cell was sent flying head over heals.

 

Trunks flew down to his Father. "You have to destroy him completely. If even a single cell survives he comes back the same as before!"

 

"Fine. Just stun him with a couple more blasts and I won't even leave a memory of that ugly freak."

 

Trunks flew over to Cell and landed right behind his shoulders. Cell looked startled. "Wha-- What? What are you doing?"

 

"This!", came Trunks' answer and he wrapped one arm around Cell's neck in a head lock. He put his other hand up to cover his face. With a look of strained concentration ….. came… came…THE LAST FART!!!

 

Boooooom!!!

 

It was a tremendous blast. Vegeta was knocked back several yards from the percussion. The fog roiled over Trunks and Cell. Time seemed to stand still. The fog cleared and Cell was twitching with convulsions.

 

Trunks wasn't visible. His clothes were in a pile next to the old sword and scabbard behind Cell. Vegeta ran over to them. The pile was squirming. He reached down and ripped the clothes apart. There sat Trunks, but he had regressed down to the age of a toddler. Vegeta picked up his brat and the sword. He took to the air and looked down at Cell who was busy upchucking every being he ever absorbed.

 

When Cell was through choking and gasping he fell over Splat! spread eagle onto his face. Surrounding him were the twitching blobs of the absorbed. Vegeta powered up as far as he could go.

 

"FINAL FLASH!" and Cell was no more.

 

The upchuck survivors were scattered around the huge crater and looked a little charred.

 

Vegeta soared up into the sky and looked around. When he spotted the ship he raced back to it.

 

Bulma came out shrieking, "Oh my Kami-sama! What did you do? What happened? Who is that? Is that our son? You both could have been killed! Is that thing really destroyed?"

 

"The brat and I finished it off. And, "Yes!", he is Trunks. Who else could he be, Silly Woman?", Vegeta said as he handed the brat to his 'mom'. "We were in no danger, thanks to that Senzu Chili!"

 

"Korin miscalculated the dosage. If he had finished the bowl the chili would

have finished him permanently."

 

Just then they heard something outside the ship. It sounded like people talking, or rather, arguing. "Dude, I swear, it was Vegeta that finished off that Cell guy."

 

"Don't call me 'Dude', Cueball. And how can I have beaten Cell when I was busy taking a guided tour of his lower intestinal track?"

 

"But, Vegeta, I saw 'you' and this kid that looked like Bulma's son fly away from the crater when we were vomited out."

 

"I keep telling you, Baka, that Bulma's kid is my kid. He can't have flown off as he is only an infant and further more, his mother is standing over there holding him."

 

"You aren't married, so how can you have a son, Vegeta? The stork must have brought that baby to Bulma by mistake. So she had to adopt it. Chichi explained it to me and Gohan when we asked where babies come from."

 

"Kakarotto, we had sex. Like you and that harpy of yours. That is how we had a child."

 

"Babies come from you-know-what? But how can you have you-know-what? You aren't married. You have to get married to have you-know-what!"

 

"Bah, Baka! She was having sex with that weakling, and she wasn't married. What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me, too?"

 

"Bulma did you-know-what with Yamucha? Bulma isn't a you-know-who?"

 

At that there was a snort of laughter from a fourth person who said, "A virgin! Yeah, right!". Which was followed by a "Yowch! That hurt, Babe!".

 

Which was followed by a female voice saying, "GOOD!"

 

"Dudes, why don't we just knock on the portal door already and ask them who they are and what's going on.", the first voice interrupted.

 

A banging sound could then be heard outside.

 

Vegeta and Bulma opened the door and walked out of the ship each holding one of Trunks' hands. They looked down at the slime covered delegation. Each party looked the other up and down.

 

"Feh.", was Vegeta's only comment.

 

"Feh.", was the other Vegeta's reply.

 

Bulma looked down at this dimension's Z-senshi and put her hands on her hips. "Time travelers. Another dimension. Alternate universe. Same people, different choices. Passing through. Killed green creep. Have a nice life. Bye." She was really sick of telling the same story. And hearing it. They turned around and re-entered the ship. The portal slammed shut. It roared off into the sky. It rose until it was tiny. There was a silver flash off it's metallic hull and it was gone.

 

"Bah!", this dimension's Vegeta said. "Good riddance."

 

*********

 

Looking out the portal at the rapidly shrinking group of people Vegeta said, "Bah, good riddance."

 

They were swirling around in non-time and decided to return to Primitive Earth once more for a vacation and to recharge the Warthian Crystals and re-calibrate the ships systems and tweak the navigation software. Bulma also wanted to take some samples of the flora and fauna to study in her home dimension. Some of the creatures in this world had gone extinct in her own. They plunked down nearly right on top of their old camp site.

 

"So, what next?", Bulma asked when they landed.

 

"Bathe the brat, first. Jump to my dimension, next. One year after our last visit. By then they will have had my little spawn of evil all to themselves long enough to wish they had a nice long vacation from him. We'll offer Cyborg Bulma a few youth restoring Senzu. She's twice Tin Can's age and looks it. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't noticed it by now as well. After that we return to your Namek, kill any Aisu-jin we find, and then go home."

 

"What if she still wants to keep him? I can't see any 'Bulma' wanting to lose her little boy forever. Even an evil robot one."

 

"Then I'll just steal him. I'm evil. I take what I want."

 

"Hmm, I can't see my self stealing anyone's child. It would be too cruel."

 

"Well I can be cruel and evil!"

 

"Behave yourself, Bad Man."

 

Bulma took their now three-year-old son to the bathroom and began running the water. When it was full she plunked Trunks into it and began scrubbing away over a century and half of accumulated grime. After an hour he was clean. She parked him on the washstand in front of the mirror. She pointed to his image and

said, "Who's that Trunks?" and the little boy giggled.

 

"You're going to have a brother just like him!"

 

The little boy put his hands over his eyes and said, "Peek-a-boo!"

 

Trunks looked a great deal better. Hmm, his hair was still a mess. When she

was done degreasing and unsnarling it, she pulled out a pair of scissors from the drawer under the sink. She chopped and chopped until his hair was short enough to make his ears stick out. She was finally satisfied he could pass a white glove test so she carried him out in a bath towel to find him some clothes to wear. She pulled one of her many Capsule Corp. logo T-shirts over his head for a nightshirt and put him to bed.

 

She strolled out to the main room. Vegeta patted the couch suggestively. She sat down next to him.

 

"Soooo, what shall we do this evening? It has been a while since we had a chance to have some fun.", Vegeta said as he nibbled on Bulma's neck.

 

"Oh, I don't know. How about what we were doing when we were interrupted on 'future us' world."

 

Soon they were naked and happily entwined on the couch when a voice said, "Can I have a glass of water?"

 

"Yoiks!", cried Bulma as she and Vegeta pulled apart. Trunks was staring at them. She grabbed a couch cushion and held it in front of her. Vegeta had simply dived behind the couch.

 

She said nervously, "Sweetie, I thought you were asleep. What are you doing out of bed?"

 

"I said I want some water. I'm thirsty."

 

"Er, sure, just a minute. Go back to your room and we'll bring it to you."

 

He left and they scrambled to put their clothes back on. "The brat would interrupt when things started to heat up!", Vegeta snarled.

 

Bulma got a glass with some ice and filled it with water. "Darling, I have your water.", she said. She went into his small closet-like room. She watched him drain the glass. Then she tucked him back into his bunk, turned out the lights, and shut the door behind her.

 

"Where were we?", she asked.

 

Vegeta showed her the exact location of where they were when they were interrupted.

 

Just when things were beginning to reheat they heard a voice say, "The water made me need to go potty."

 

This interruption was so startling it made Vegeta spring up fast enough to make the couch topple over backwards. WHOMP!

 

"Masaka! Brat, do your business and GET INTO BED!", he yelled.

 

Bulma pulled on Vegeta's muscle shirt and came from behind the wrecked couch. She led her new son into the bathroom. A few minutes later Vegeta could hear the toilet flush and then the sink running. When they came out Bulma picked up Trunks and carried him into his room yet again.

 

She came out again and said, "Well, do you want try again?".

 

Vegeta wanted.

 

They were happily engaged in "fetching the barbecue sauce" on what was left

of the sofa's cushions when a voice said, "I'm not sleepy. Tell me a story." They jumped about four feet apart and dove for cover.

 

"AAAAAAAARGH!!! Go to your room, get into bed, and don't get up again unless you want to DIE!", Vegeta yelled as he yanked his clothes back on.

 

Bulma said from her hiding spot under the coffee table, "Oh, Vegeta, just take him to his room and tell him a $&*# story, already."

 

"Fine.", Vegeta said tersely. He led his chibi back into his bedroom for what he hoped was the last time tonight.

 

"Yay, papa!"

 

Bulma crawled out of hiding and put on her clothes. She crept up to the bedroom doorway to hear the story Vegeta was telling her son.

 

"Brat, listen up. Just one story and that's it! NO MORE!"

 

"Okay, papa."

 

"Right.", Vegeta said as he tucked his son as firmly in as he could. He surveyed his work. 'Little brat won't get out of that in a hurry.', he thought. He sat down and cleared his throat.

 

"Onceuponatimetherewasalittlebratprincewhowouldn'tgotobedontimeHe kept botheringhismamaandpapatheQueenandPrin--er, KING! Endlesslyandpissedthemoff royallysotheylockedhimintothecastledungeonandhehadtosittheretillhelearnedno ttobesonosywhich wasaverylongtimetheendnow gotosleep."

 

"Vegeta, you can't tell a child that!", Bulma pushed the door open and said.

 

"Papa that's not a real story!", complained the child.

 

"FINE. Once upon a time there were three hulking Saiya-jin. The first Saiya-jin

was a Baka and built his space pod out of tin foil. The second Saiya-jin was a nut

case and built his space pod out of bobby pins and chewing gum. The third Saiya-jin was a stud and a genius and built his out of an engineered titanium alloy. One day a big bad Aisu-jin came along and stomped the tin foil ship flat and the dumb Saiya-jin barely had time to escape. The Baka flew and flew until he came to the second Saiya-jin's ship. They hid inside and along came the big bad Aisu-jin. He huffed and puffed and 'Daichiretsuzan'. The space pod built of hair pins and goo was sliced in half. The two Saiya-jin flew as fast as they could to the third's space pod that worked. 'Please take us away with you!', They cried piteously. 'Feh!', replied the third Saiya-jin. 'I don't run away from anyone!' With that he powered up to Super Saiya-jin Level FOUR and blew the evil Aisu-jin to HFIL. The Baka and the Boob turned to him and said, "Yaay!!!". He became the king of the whole land and married a beautiful queen and they had a son who DIDN'T interrupt them during sex. EVER!"

 

Bulma squawked at Vegeta's ending but he ignored her and said, "Now go to sleep!"

 

The little boy stared at him with round eyes. "Um, 'kay!"

 

They put him to bed one last time and locked the door after they shut it. With that they went to their own room and locked the door behind themselves. Finally they were able to go back to what they were doing. All night long.

 

And so ends chapter the eighth. Read chapter nine for the stunning and bold conclusion of A Twisted Saiya-jin Tale. All right, not stunning, but at least let me have bold. And maybe not the end, either.